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Anyone know a good one-liner joke?

  • 18-10-2016 10:23pm
    #1
    Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,614 ✭✭✭


    All getting a bit dour tonight.

    Anyone know a good one-liner joke?

    I will accept three liners with punchline as the third response...


«1

Comments

  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    This thread!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 990 ✭✭✭Ted111


    What kind of bee produces milk?

    Boobie


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 24,465 ✭✭✭✭darkpagandeath


    That's what she said...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,734 ✭✭✭Duckworth_Luas


    A sandwich walks into a bar and asks for a pint of Guinness.

    Barman says:
    Sorry, we dont serve food!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 5,460 ✭✭✭Barry Badrinath


    Knock knock!

    Who is there?
    Go fcuk yourself


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,003 ✭✭✭Hammer89


    Granddad walks into a classroom and notices a f*ck load of flags.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 36,908 ✭✭✭✭BorneTobyWilde


    I decided to sell my vacuum on ebay, well it was just collecting dust.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,423 ✭✭✭✭Outlaw Pete


    What do you call a hundred women all lying naked on top of one another?
    A block of flaps.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,520 ✭✭✭passremarkable


    Never seen him coming ...
    The invisible man!


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 7,973 ✭✭✭RayM


    What's the difference between a nun entering a convent and a nun getting out of the bath?

    One has hope in her soul...


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 36,908 ✭✭✭✭BorneTobyWilde


    I put super glue on my neighbours tennis ball, he came over to complain. I said you just can't let it go can you !


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 22,412 ✭✭✭✭endacl


    Why can't hedgehogs just share the hedge?


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,520 ✭✭✭passremarkable


    You hear the one about the butter
    Better not say, you'll only spread it!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,526 ✭✭✭✭Darkglasses


    Having your car break down is no picnic, unless you bring one.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 4,520 ✭✭✭passremarkable


    You hear the story about the bin?
    Ah it's only rubbish


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,117 ✭✭✭✭Junkyard Tom


    A lot of people say to me 'Get out of my Graden'.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 11,218 ✭✭✭✭B.A._Baracus


    A classic of jimmy carr...

    What's the difference between marmalade and jam?
    .... You can't marmalade your cock up a girls arse.


  • Posts: 31,118 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.


  • Users Awaiting Email Confirmation Posts: 950 ✭✭✭mickmackmcgoo


    Today a man knocked on my door looking for a donation for the local swimming pool, I gave him a glass of water


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 12,452 ✭✭✭✭The_Valeyard


    Mountains are not funny. They are Hill-arious.


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  • Closed Accounts Posts: 338 ✭✭Fluffy Cat 88


    Why did the condom fly across the room?

    It got pi$$ed off.

    Ba-dum, tish! ;)


  • Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I used to be a banker, but I lost all interest.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,734 ✭✭✭✭osarusan


    There are only 3 kinds of people in the world, those who can count and those who can't.


  • Posts: 26,052 ✭✭✭✭ [Deleted User]


    I used to have an inferiority complex, but it wasn't a very good one.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 16,472 ✭✭✭✭Grayson


    Whats orange and sounds like a parrot?
    A Carrot


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 173 ✭✭ElWalrus


    I had to stop using puns with my kleptomaniac friend...he kept taking things literally!


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,192 ✭✭✭yellowlabrador


    where do you weigh a pie?
    somewhere over the rainbow


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,117 ✭✭✭✭Junkyard Tom




  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 3,667 ✭✭✭policarp


    I wanted to be a doctor but i didn't have the patience.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 14,873 ✭✭✭✭Arghus


    This shirt is dry clean only.

    Which means it's dirty.


  • Closed Accounts Posts: 720 ✭✭✭DrGreenthumb


    Did you hear about the midget that got pickpocket'd?

    Who would have thought anybody could stoop so low


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,423 ✭✭✭✭Outlaw Pete


    A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.

    So he gave it to her.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 558 ✭✭✭bradolf pittler


    Man found dead with 2 knitting needles in his chest,Police think the killer might be following a pattern.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 6,417 ✭✭✭Archeron


    A dyslexic man walks into a bra


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,343 ✭✭✭dwayneshintzy


    How Long is a Chinese name.


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 51 ✭✭outinthefields


    An illiterate man walked into a library. He broke his nose.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 790 ✭✭✭forgodssake


    You hear about the constipated movie????





    It isnt out yet ...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,832 ✭✭✭✭Donald Trump


    A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.

    So he gave it to her.

    Fecker. I was going to post a better version of that punchline

    A beautiful lady asked me for a double entendre, so I gave her one.
    Actually I just grabbed her by the pussy


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,832 ✭✭✭✭Donald Trump


    You hear about the constipated movie????





    It isnt out yet ...


    Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
    He worked it out with a pencil and paper


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 20,832 ✭✭✭✭Donald Trump


    What's purple and commutes?
    An Abelian grape


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  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 10,663 ✭✭✭✭Mental Mickey


    Donald Trump


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 7,013 ✭✭✭Allinall


    I entered loads of one liners in a radio competition, hoping one of them would win.

    No pun in ten did.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 405 ✭✭mapaca


    My family asked me to stop singing Oasis songs. I said maybe...


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 5,614 ✭✭✭ArtSmart


    Impressive stuff, for the most part. Here's mine.


    I'm not saying I'm selectively deaf, but the last time I was mugged, I kept my wallet and I handed over my wife.


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 191 ✭✭Didas


    I quit my job at the helium factory...
    I refuse to be spoken to in that tone.


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 93,599 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    I saved my mistress' phone number as 'LOW BATTERY'.

    Whenever she calls and I'm not around, the missus takes the phone and plugs it to the charger.


  • Posts: 0 [Deleted User]


    I put super glue on my neighbours tennis ball, he came over to complain. I said you just can't let it go can you !

    I know a woman who mistook super glue for KY Jelly.....I asked her how it happened but her lips were sealed.

    shamelessly stolen from Gary Delaney


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 1,946 ✭✭✭indioblack


    ArtSmart wrote: »
    All getting a bit dour tonight.

    Anyone know a good one-liner joke?

    I will accept three liners with punchline as the third response...

    Brexit


  • Registered Users, Registered Users 2 Posts: 246 ✭✭Alcoheda


    A classic of jimmy carr...

    What's the difference between marmalade and jam?
    .... You can't marmalade your cock up a girls arse.

    That was going round the school yard when I was in short pants.

    what's the difference between snow men and snow women?
    snow balls


  • Moderators, Recreation & Hobbies Moderators, Science, Health & Environment Moderators, Technology & Internet Moderators Posts: 93,599 Mod ✭✭✭✭Capt'n Midnight


    My ex-girlfriend was so obsessed by money that we used to play FTSE under the table ...


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