Impartial - Honest - Advice Please

Hopeless romantic2016

Dear Boarders

I would really like some honest , impartial advice- that isn't coming from friends and family.

Myself and my ex broke up on 1st Jan 2016 -

We had met in 2013 . He spent the year pursuing me and asking me out and I was too busy with Uni to make time for anyone.
We met by chance one evening and after that decided to start dating in 2014 despite me being in my final year and working full time. 

He was attentive, kind and not like anyone I had ever met. We were madly in love, after 6 months he moved to Dublin to be closer to me, and a few months later we moved in together.

We got on great - love the same things but I have some trust issues and unfortunately he had to shoulder a lot of this.

When we moved in together everything changed, he was no longer attentive or kind, we fought a lot I was very busy with my masters and work - he had just started a course too so we were both stressed. our relationship was very rocky and on the 1st January after an awful fight over Christmas he broke up with me. He moved out.

I was crushed and took the break up very badly. We stayed in touch sporadically and in Feb I contacted him to meet up and talk - we both decided that we weren't ready to jump back into a relationship but we didn't want to not try either. We met up a few times, but it was very one sided, he contacted me when it suited him and I felt used. When he didn't contact me for Valentines I was devastated - I told him it was too hard for me for us to just date and so we ended it.

In March- we bumped into each other on a night out and ended up going home together but the next day he wouldn't look me in the eye and treated me like I was a stranger - I had no idea who this man was and how he could treat me this way.

I decided to just take it as a lesson and move on after this.

I love him- deeply , I am 29 and he is 34 so I thought we should be passed this childish nonsense.

I gave up our apt in May and decided to go travelling- I contacted him to ask if he wanted any of the furniture before I put it into storage he was very mean and nasty to me- I told him I loved him and had no idea why he was so mean he told me he was just angry by the way things had worked out - I asked if he wanted to meet up to talk and he said he was too busy with his end of year exams!  As fate would have it, I bumped into him a few days later when I was out with a friend of mine from college - we had just finished our masters- he came up to myself and Noel in the bar and introduced himself - he then leaned down and whispered in my ear - don't you ever contact me again-

He was very angry!  He text me saying that was the final straw and now he knew I was a liar - I responded telling him he was welcome to join us that he knew I loved him and wanted to work things out -

We didn't speak after this for three Weeks. I contacted him the week
before I left to go travelling to see if he wanted to talk before I left

We met up- we spoke for nearly 3 hours - discussed our whole relationship- I told him I loved him and I missed him and he said he felt the same way but he had a lot on right now - college, his mother has cancer - and he wasn't sure where he was at

I flew out the next day he called me before my flight and told me he loved me and missed us. I told him I felt the same. I called him a week after I left from Italy telling him I loved him and that I wanted him to take the summer to see where he was at and if we could work on things. He said he would and we would talk when I got back.

I didn't contact him. From 4th June until the 25th August- I called him from Germany and he answered and said I can't talk right now and hung up on me - I was crushed .

I sent him an email telling him I had taken the summer and I missed him and I wanted us back and to work things out when I got home and I hoped we could talk. He never responded.

I have been home three weeks and he hasn't contacted me. I haven't spoken to him since that phone call from Italy in June and I don't know if I should pursue it or let it go.

Please tell me what you think I should do... I don't know how many times I should be hurting myself putting myself out there to be just let down.

I do feel responsible for our break up and this is probably why I don't hold him accountable for his behavior but I also love him .

I think if he wanted to fix things he would get in touch right ?

sadie1502

<SNIP>
I think you summed it up perfectly. If he wanted to fix things he would be In touch. It's hard but youre best off to leave things you've tried and he hasn't contacted you. If it was me I would have to walk away and not contact him. Unless you're both looking to sort it out it doesn't work and he has shown by his actions he isn't interested. That's just my opinion. Look after yourself give yourself time things will all work out.

racso1975

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

Dear Boarders


I was crushed and took the break up very badly. We stayed in touch sporadically and in Feb I contacted him to meet up and talk - we both decided that we weren't ready to jump back into a relationship but we didn't want to not try either. We met up a few times, but it was very one sided, he contacted me when it suited him and I felt used. When he didn't contact me for Valentines I was devastated - I told him it was too hard for me for us to just date and so we ended it.

The bits in bold all happen in 2 weeks or less. It sounds like a very intense thing and neither side know what they want. You have invested 10 months of time, emotional stress and probably sleepless nights into this at this stage.

Walk away. Even if ye do get back together it will end badly as i dont think either of ye can let go of the hurt fully that has gone on.

silverbolt

Best advice i can give you.

Let him go. This is wrecking your head. He's not going to get thumb out of his ass and sort things. Leave him to it and concentrate on you

kylith

You're an ego boost for him. He gets in contact when he feels like it and gets to hear about how much you love him and how badly you want to get back together, then he ignores you until he fancies his ego stroked again.

He is a headwreck. Don't contact him again. Block his number, and block him on all social media. I guarantee that in a year or two you'll look back and wonder what you were thinking.

mapaca

He's not exactly fighting to win you back, is he? Just giving you enough scraps to keep you interested. I would call it a day and move on, sorry.

Rekop dog

You seem to have conveniently left out what you did that you feel responsible for the break up? Any sort of analysis of his actions after that point depends on the severity of whatever you did.

Hopeless romantic2016

Rekop dog wrote: »

You seem to have conveniently left out what you did that you feel responsible for the break up? Any sort of analysis of his actions after that point depends on the severity of whatever you did.

I feel like I put too much pressure on him. I am a very hard working person and I have since realised I can't expect people to work as hard as I do.

I've worked full time throughout my degree and my masters to pay for my education. He was a musician and as he was a bit older than me I suggested he go back to college and start thinking about his life long term - because would it be viable for him to be out on the road gigging in his 40s and 50s. It's not a very secure job.

I think he resented me for this which I can't blame him for.

I also did have trust issues and fought with him at times for stupid things. He was very patient with me and kind and thoughtful but when he started college there was a huge shift.

I was working full time doing my masters and still cooking and cleaning our apt and he was constantly tired and complaining that he was exhausted and instead of being supportive I would say I've done it for 5 years suck it up.

I could have been more supportive and I wasn't.

We did fight a lot over stupid things that could have been avoided like.

gossamer

He's a head melter and seems to revel in the drama of it all. If you value yourself at all, don't contact this guy again. If he loved you, he wouldn't treat you like that. You seem like a nice person and you deserve better.

Rekop dog

Stretching back from primitive times its embedded in the male psyche to be a provider. When you voiced your concerns about his future potential(or lack of) to earn I'd imagine it probably emasculated him somewhat, especially if you had far higher earning potential after your degree. Not saying you were wrong in doing so, but I'd say it may explain him switching off on you.

Hopeless romantic2016

Rekop dog wrote: »

Stretching back from primitive times its embedded in the male psyche to be a provider. When you voiced your concerns about his future potential(or lack of) to earn I'd imagine it probably emasculated him somewhat, especially if you had far higher earning potential after your degree. Not saying you were wrong in doing so, but I'd say it may explain him switching off on you.

I only wanted what was best for him. He had so much more potential than what he was settling for.

As I said I feel responsible for a lot of it and it's why I can understand or at least make allowances for some of his behaviour but I just can't get my head around the change.

To go from wanting to talk when I got back from travelling to not speaking to me when I called and not getting in touch with me.

It's the fact that he's left me hanging. He has purposely not given me any closure and I don't know why he hasn't just gotten in touch with me even to say I don't want us to work things out.

I feel after everything I deserve at least some sort of explanation

LegacyUser

I know what you are going through as I was in a similar position. I knew this man as a friend for a long time and I wanted a realtionship with him. I was ok for fun but I was not girlfriend material. I stood up for him when he was going though a few bad patchs. I forgave him for saying nasty things to me. I gave him chance after chance to change things between us.

The best was the day I got a message from someone him and I both knew. He was ignoring them also. I was left in a horrible position and had to decide do I ignore this message or do I answer it. I answered this message and I told this person a few things about him.

I finally realised that then that he was not going to change. He would ignore or walk away from problems rather than deal with them like an adult. He would not take on board any advice that people give him. I was their to help him through a few bad patches and boost his ego. Rather than realising he was lucky with me he decided I was not good enough. I have heard from people him and I know that his life is not that wonderful at the moment. He has a number of problems to deal with and being honest the majority are of his own making.

It is not easy to walk away or to stop trying with someone you care about but some times for your own happness you have to do this. Why waste time with someone who is not willing to make the effort to try and work on a relationship or to keep a friendship going.

Chocolate fiend

Honestly move on. Where can this ever go. You are not compatible. He tells you to never contact him again, and then you do. He is nasty and you tell him you love him. Where is your self esteem? you deserve better.

In his telling you probably sound like a crazy stalker.

It's over.

Conor Bourke

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

It's the fact that he's left me hanging. He has purposely not given me any closure and I don't know why he hasn't just gotten in touch with me even to say I don't want us to work things out.

I feel after everything I deserve at least some sort of explanation

I think you need to accept that you may never get closure from him. He's told you he never wants to speak to you again, then within weeks you're in contact again. Even if he did make some grand closing statement, how can you trust that he means it or will leave you be after. You're being somewhat passive in this by placing your future happiness in his hands "as fate would have it/by chance we happened to bump into each other" "I need him to tell me it's over". I very much doubt that you just happened to bump into him so many times, it sounds like that either you engineered these "chance" meetings in the hope of bumping into him, or he showed up at places he knew you'd be because he knew he could have you back whenever he feels like it. That is not fate, but calling it so makes it appear that you want to throw your hands up and say "oh but it's written in the stars, the universe keeps making our paths cross, it can't be helped, we're clearly meant to be together." In one of your previous posts you said we should be beyond this childishness but it reads like you mean he should be. I don't mean to be bitchy or condescending but perhaps this is an opportunity for you to also reflect and experience some personal growth.

Take back some control and your dignity. Block him, allow yourself to come to terms with the end of the relationship and begin the moving on process yourself.

Big Bag of Chips

You are laying yourself on a plate for him and he's not taking you. To quote the old line "he's just not that into you". He obviously enjoyed the chase. But once he got you and moved in, the chase was over and the novelty gone.

He is spelling out to you to leave him alone, but you keep going back for scraps. You didn't contact him for 2 months, but he didn't contact you either. He's not that bothered. And while you're living your life waiting for him, he's just living his life.

Let this one go. It was fun, for a little while, while it lasted. Now it's over.

Do not contact him again. Don't. Don't contact him to tell him that you won't be contacting him again. You'll only be fishing for a response and you mightn't like the one you get... Or else you'll get just enough to keep you dangling only for him to do another turn around.

He's not interested. If he was you'd be getting a more positive response than you are.

kylith

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

I feel like I put too much pressure on him. I am a very hard working person and I have since realised I can't expect people to work as hard as I do.

I've worked full time throughout my degree and my masters to pay for my education. He was a musician and as he was a bit older than me I suggested he go back to college and start thinking about his life long term - because would it be viable for him to be out on the road gigging in his 40s and 50s. It's not a very secure job.

I think he resented me for this which I can't blame him for.

I also did have trust issues and fought with him at times for stupid things. He was very patient with me and kind and thoughtful but when he started college there was a huge shift.

I was working full time doing my masters and still cooking and cleaning our apt and he was constantly tired and complaining that he was exhausted and instead of being supportive I would say I've done it for 5 years suck it up.

I could have been more supportive and I wasn't.

We did fight a lot over stupid things that could have been avoided like.

I don't know why you're beating yourself up over this? You suggested to a grown man man to get his life together and stop waiting for his band to be discovered; that's not pressure, that's common sense. I don't buy the idea that his male pride was wounded and he felt emasculated: his childish pride was wounded because you made him face up to he fact that Rolling Stone weren't going to knock on his door and he actually had to make something of himself.

And what the hell were you supposed to support? You worked full time, dd a masters degree, did the cooking, did all the housework. What did he do besides whinge? Telling him to cop on was the right thing to do. Nothing in this was your fault. He is the archetypal man-child, trying to live his adolescence forever and resenting you for not being an indulgent mammy and letting him.

njs030

It takes two people to make a relationship work and it's very rare a breakup is caused by just one person, it's worrying you're blaming yourself and he's allowing you to.

The idea that you emasculated him by asking him to think about his future is ridiculous and a cop out, you were living together and supposed to be planning a future you had a right to be concerned about his lack of forward thinking.
What exactly was he doing while you were in college, working full time and doing all the cooking and cleaning?

Op as another poster said earlier where is your self esteem? Stop calling him, stop finding ways to see him and start properly moving on.

You've told him how you feel so if he wanted to be with you he would be - it's that simple.

gaynorvader

kylith wrote: »

I don't know why you're beating yourself up over this? You suggested to a grown man man to get his life together and stop waiting for his band to be discovered; that's not pressure, that's common sense. I don't buy the idea that his male pride was wounded and he felt emasculated: his childish pride was wounded because you made him face up to he fact that Rolling Stone weren't going to knock on his door and he actually had to make something of himself.

And what the hell were you supposed to support? You worked full time, dd a masters degree, did the cooking, did all the housework. What did he do besides whinge? Telling him to cop on was the right thing to do. Nothing in this was your fault. He is the archetypal man-child, trying to live his adolescence forever and resenting you for not being an indulgent mammy and letting him.

Just want to reiterate this from a male perspective, it's spot on. There's no "male pride" being wounded here as he wasn't being outdone by your earnings or anything, he was just living in naivety and you were the one to burst his bubble, so he basically threw an extended tantrum.

Cut all contact OP, be the one to decide it's over, don't wait for his validation, look at his actions, there's no respect for you there at all with his hot and cold reactions and complete lack of effort to win you over. There's no love there, move on and be happy.

Merkin

You really need to forget about this. You have chased him time and time again and he has explicitly said that he doesn't want to be with you. Stop doing it to yourself! You're just wasting your time.

Yellow pack crisps

Mr. Nice guy coming up to you in a bar and being nice and then whispering to you to never talk to him again. How wonderful he sounds and he was the one who ended the relationship. You: You cannot change people, all you can do is either love them for who they are or find someone more on your own level. That guy sounds like a complete idiot and being so flippant with his 'Love' for you when it suited his own needs. You sound lovely and vulnerable and full of self doubt and i would spend this time as a singleton to establish your own sense of self worth and your own set of standards.

Magicmatilda

He sounds horrible, though I'm sure he is very charming..

What should you do, well here is my advice:

1. Make a commitment to yourself to value yourself
2. Based on that commitment, decide never to contact him again. Seriously what does he have to do for you to walk away, he has treated you awfully and you are still telling him you love him? Don't say goodbye or try to get closure, The only closure you need is to accept that he is an a**hole and you deserve better and won't be treated like that anymore
3.. Delete all contact details for him, FB, email, phone, instagram, snapchat, everything
4. Go for therapy - tell your new therapist you are there to explore your low self esteem and explain how you have let this man treat you.
5. Have you friends? Go out with them, have fun, enjoy yourself
6. Book a holiday, break away, something to look forward to
7. Start a hobby, gym, hiking, playing piano, kitesurfing, whatever, try everything
8. When he contacts you, and I suspect he will (when he wants an ego boost) Ignore him. Do not respond.

Ultimately learn from this experience and make sure you never let anyone make you feel like you are worth less that you are. Like you deserve less than the best. That is what you have let him do. That he has treated you so badly is all on him. That you continually allowed him to is all on you, but thankfully you can change that, right this very moment.

You are not the only person to allow this to happen, many of us do, the trick is to learn the lesson..

There are much, much, nicer, sweeter, more caring and kind men out there than this one. Once you have done all the above, go find one of them.

Hopeless romantic2016

OP here -

I want to thank you all for your advice- sometimes it's good to have advice from people outside of your circle.

My friends and family are adamant that I stay away from my ex and cut all ties.

I have had a lot of time to think while away on my travels and I realised that I did love him and could forgive his behaviour.

I have had a hard time moving on because I find it very difficult to reconcile the way he has acted after the break up- with the way he acted while we were together. At times, I have doubted whether I knew him at all.

I am going to take all your advice on board and consider counselling as although I am not entirely blameless in this situation - I may be taking too much responsibility for his behavior and this is something I am not inclined to do.

I am a very out going and caring person and the way I have handled this break up and my constant efforts to fix things are out of character for me - I genuinely believed that I had found something special worth fighting for. Sadly , I seem to have lost respect for myself in this fight by putting myself in the position time and again to be hurt.

I am aware that it was a conscious decision on my behalf to keep making the effort and being let down and I can't blame him for that when it was clear I was hurting myself.

After all your kind words I have realised that I have to accept the inevitable and that is that this man is not for me and we both clearly want different things.

I had always thought that he wasn't the type of man to say one thing and do another and when he said he would take the summer to decide I had believed this to be true and that we would speak and clear the air and either decide to work things out or both move on.

His decision to leave me in limbo is evident that he doesn't care for me and has no intention of fixing things.

In short I will have to move on and whatever closure I am going to get is going to have to come from me.

screamer

Learn to be happy on your own first and work to get over your trust issues and then think about a relationship but not with that guy it's obvious you're incompatible.

Redpunto

Relationships shouldnt be that hard - walk away

kylith

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

OP here -

I want to thank you all for your advice- sometimes it's good to have advice from people outside of your circle.

My friends and family are adamant that I stay away from my ex and cut all ties.

I had a feeling from the thread title that your family wee advising you to stay away from this guy and you came here hoping we would say something different. I hope that distance from this man brings you peace.

catchery

It sounds like you are both very different people and I really think blaming yourself for the break up doesn't help you. It takes two people to make or break a relationship. We all have faults and differences. It's easy when you are out having fun at the start of a relationship, when you move into together its a compromise of how you like things to how someone else likes things. But ! You have been together for such a short time with so much drama its not a good sign. I'm sorry but run and keep running until you find a guy that has the same way of thinking as you. This guy is too much hard work for such a short relationship. If he was interested he would of been waiting at the airport for you with a smile and a cuddle. That's what you deserve go out and enjoy yourself and pick the right guy for you and do not settle ....best of luck.

Aseth

He told you it's over, he told you he doesn't want you to contact him and yet you keep doing it! Why? He is very clear it's over.
You really need to move on and stop initiating contact and most importantly - stop telling him you love him. It's not acomplishing anything. I uderstand you feel strongly about him but your feelings are not reciprocated.

Hopeless romantic2016

Update from OP ....

Hi folks once again I would ask your advice, I had taken your advice not contacted him again and begin moving on with my life... on Thursday I embraced the Tinder generation- interesting experience... however, on Friday evening my ex called me to ask me why I was on Tinder and if I was moving on ? I asked him why he called to ask me that considering the efforts I went to to try and fix things for months... he told me he missed me and was sorry for how he treated me during our break up and wanted to know if we could perhaps meet up to talk?! He said he seen me on Tinder and realised that he had to do something before he lost me for good!

He told me he was going to call me when I got back to the country- as I said aBove I have been home three weeks! But that he just hadn't gotten round to it

I'm unsure of what to do about this because this is obviously what I've wanTed for months.... however it seems that he is more concerned about me meeting someone else than he is about us??

Hopeless romantic2016

Aseth wrote: »

He told you it's over, he told you he doesn't want you to contact him and yet you keep doing it! Why? He is very clear it's over.
You really need to move on and stop initiating contact and most importantly - stop telling him you love him. It's not acomplishing anything. I uderstand you feel strongly about him but your feelings are not reciprocated.

Hi aseth, thanks for your advice but we did meet up to speak after he told me that ?

gaynorvader

You've got it right in one OP. He's only interested in you not moving on, not with being in a relationship with you. As you said somehow 3 weeks wasn't enough time for him to get in touch, it was only of importance when he saw you were moving on. Cut all contact OP, move on and be happy.

Conor Bourke

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

I'm unsure of what to do about this because this is obviously what I've wanTed for months.... however it seems that he is more concerned about me meeting someone else than he is about us??

Once again you've answered your own question. Seriously, you need to get a grip on reality: he claims to be afraid to lose you but didn't get round to telling you for a few weeks?

If he cared so much about you, was afraid of losing you, wants to be with you etc etc, ask yourself one question: what was he doing on Tinder, then?

njs030

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

He said he seen me on Tinder and realised that he had to do something before he lost me for good!

however it seems that he is more concerned about me meeting someone else than he is about us??

If he saw you on tinder then he is on it himself so he's moved on and is actively looking to meet someone else, he wants you sitting waiting for him.
How much more proof do you need that this man is incredibly self centred?

Aseth

Hopeless romantic2016 wrote: »

Update from OP ....
on Thursday I embraced the Tinder generation- interesting experience... however, on Friday evening my ex called me to ask me why I was on Tinder and if I was moving on ?

He is serious head-wrecker, don't waste any more time on him. Find someone who will respect you and will not mess wth your feelings.
Block him on social media and on the phone so he has nomeans to contact you.

batmanrobin

So he chased you for a year and then finally got you, ye dated, it didn't work out, ye broke up. You then, numerous times, told him you loved him and wanted to make it work, all of which was met with head melting nonsense.

You finally decide to move on and join tinder (which he is obviously on to say he saw you on it) and it's only then that he pulls the finger out and gets in touch with you?

Why have you not blocked him? Seriously, job number one for you! Block him on everything!

OP, the only thing he cares about is the fact that you're not going to be mooning around after him and stroking his ego. He doesn't actually care about you. He doesn't want to be with you. What people like him want is to continue to keep you dangling, to keep you as the backup until THEY decide they're fully done. Even then they tend to keep some form of contact just in case. And by just in case, I mean just in case they feel like getting an ego boost.

Stop entertaining him, block him and move on. He had ample chances all of which he blew. You need to know when enough is enough.

P.S. enough was months ago.

Ursus Horribilis

Sigh. I think we know what's going to happen here, don't we? You'll get back in touch with him because that's exactly what you wanted. Tinder proved to be the way to unwittingly do it. Rinse, repeat, rewind. Hopefully when this bout ends you'll be a bit wiser than you are now. It's an itch you have to scratch, isn't it?

Big Bag of Chips

OP, you're weak. And he knows you're weak. And he knows how to manipulate you.

You need to be strong now. Stop thinking of the good times. Read back over your first post and highlight all the ways he treated you very badly. You joined Tinder and within hours he was suddenly contacting you!! All those times he couldn't talk, told you not to contact him, etc, and now when he realises his little lap dog isn't going to be chasing him anymore he's suddenly not quite so busy?

I will offer you only one piece of advice. I hope you take it, but I fear you won't. Use his exact words back to him "don't you ever contact me again". And then block every avenue he has of contacting you. He doesn't want you. But he doesn't want you not wanting him.

Edit: He didn't just treat you badly during the break up. He treated you badly before that too. He seems to have forgotten that (and so do you). Do yourself a favour and move on. This won't last. So if you "get back with him" you'll be going through all this again in a few weeks. I wouldn't even give it a month.

Scarinae

He doesn't want you, but he doesn't want anyone else to have you either because he enjoys the attention and the ego boost. You broke up over nine months ago and it sounds like you've spent most of that time in emotional pain, hoping you'll get back together while he throws enough crumbs at you to keep you hanging.

Take back control - if you have a smartphone block his number, and block him on social media. Do stuff YOU enjoy, get to know yourself and build your self-esteem back up, and when you're ready to date again go and find someone who deserves you x

Yellow pack crisps

You remind me of that song 'chasing rainbows' you will always be chasing him even if you get back together. Maybe you like being undervalued.

mapaca

I've read your update and my advice is still the same: cut contact and move on. He doesn't want you back, he just wants to keep you dangling. He was on Tinder looking for someone else instead of picking up the phone to call you.

Don't give him another chance to reject you and hurt you again.

Big Bag of Chips

I have a feeling that despite what family and friends tell you, despite what advice you get here, you still want there to be something between you. So you will go looking for it. You will allow him the chance to treat you badly again. For whatever reason you can't let this one go. And the only way this will properly end is when he does it (again) and tells you to stay away from him.

The tone of your posts is one of desperation. You are desperate for this to have a happy ending. You are desperate for him to want to live happily ever after with you.

I can guarantee you one of two things will happen here. If you tell him that you wish to move on and don't want to be in contact with him, his pleas of wanting to make it up to you will very quickly turn to nasty jibes at you. Very very quickly. And you will be hurt.

Or if you agree to give it another go he will soon revert to type and leave you again. And you will be hurt.

Either way, having further dealings with this fella is only going to end up with you being hurt. Your family know it. Everyone here knows it. You even know it yourself but you can't help thinking 'maybe this time is different'. If this time was going to be different he'd have been chasing you even before you got home from Germany. But first you heard from him was while he was on Tinder... And he wasn't on Tinder looking for you!!!!

I think the advice everyone you know, and don't know, is offering you is falling on deaf ears and you will give it a go anyway. But you'll never be happy. You'll always be on edge not wanting to do or say something that might upset him. You will not be an equal in this relationship, because he will have all the power and you will put up with whatever he does because you won't want to lose face and admit to your family and friends that it's not working (again). I hope you have more sense than that, but the impression I'm getting is if even one person says you should give it another go you will only hear that voice and not every other voice that is screaming at you to have more respect for yourself.

beks101

Ah god OP. Life isn't supposed to be this hard. Relationships aren't supposed to be this hard.

My boyfriend would rather die than to cause me this kind of pain. He'd rather chop off his own arm. We fight like cats and dogs sometimes and I can be a bloody nightmare as can he but he'd never let me feel so worthless, so used and so unloved as this fella has, he'd put any argument to right by apologising when it's not his fault or telling me he loves me or just sitting with me until we had figured things out.

Let alone leave me hanging for nine months, hostility and silent treatment and then "I love you"s when it suited him, when the attention had dried up and it looked like I was about to get back up on my feet. That is selfish, heartless manipulation in its purest form. I wouldn't treat me dog like that. I wouldn't treat someone I'd been on one date with like that. It is inhumane and it breeds nothing but the misery and pain and poor self esteem that you are dealing with.

Sometimes relationships are a head-and-heart divide, and your head is telling you things your heart refuses to hear. This is one of those times where you have to follow your head - because your heart is misguiding you. Your love is misguided, it is wasted on the wrong person, it will never be reciprocated and it will wound you to your core as this fella continues to use you as a prop to his own ego. In years to come you'll look back and see none of the truly kind, caring, nurturing behaviour that exists between two people who love each other at all. You'll just see a selfish, weak man-child and a girl who was hurting to her core.

You are worth so, so much more than him. Your family knows it, your friends know it, strangers off the internet know it. Be strong and block him out of your life in every possible way. Pour all that hard work you're capable of into moving on and not succumbing to his childish whims. It will be the best thing you ever do for yourself.

Merkin

I think you're ultimately looking for someone, anyone to reply to this thread and say he obviously cares about you and that you should go for it. That's your ultimate objective from the thread isn't it?

ALL of these people saying he couldn't give a fig about you and is only doing this because he'd miss your adoration and pleading can't be wrong surely? He's a typical user and his most recent contact is to test you and make sure you don't deviate from your devotion to him. He sounds like a card carrying knob TBH so I can't fathom why yoU'd even waste a moment more on someone who clearly thinks so little of you.

Why don't you garner a little self respect? If you take control of this sorry situation once and for all it will empower you. Tell him you have moved on and that you don't wish to hear from him ever again and then block him from making any kind of contact of again. I also think you need to delete your Tinder profile as you have a lot of work to do on yourself and you're in no headspace to be involved with anyone currently.

Magicmatilda

Magicmatilda wrote: »

He sounds horrible, though I'm sure he is very charming..

What should you do, well here is my advice:

1. Make a commitment to yourself to value yourself
2. Based on that commitment, decide never to contact him again. Seriously what does he have to do for you to walk away, he has treated you awfully and you are still telling him you love him? Don't say goodbye or try to get closure, The only closure you need is to accept that he is an a**hole and you deserve better and won't be treated like that anymore
3.. Delete all contact details for him, FB, email, phone, instagram, snapchat, everything
4. Go for therapy - tell your new therapist you are there to explore your low self esteem and explain how you have let this man treat you.
5. Have you friends? Go out with them, have fun, enjoy yourself
6. Book a holiday, break away, something to look forward to
7. Start a hobby, gym, hiking, playing piano, kitesurfing, whatever, try everything
8. When he contacts you, and I suspect he will (when he wants an ego boost) Ignore him. Do not respond.

Ultimately learn from this experience and make sure you never let anyone make you feel like you are worth less that you are. Like you deserve less than the best. That is what you have let him do. That he has treated you so badly is all on him. That you continually allowed him to is all on you, but thankfully you can change that, right this very moment.

You are not the only person to allow this to happen, many of us do, the trick is to learn the lesson..

There are much, much, nicer, sweeter, more caring and kind men out there than this one. Once you have done all the above, go find one of them.

Number 8 came along a lot quicker than I expected. Interesting that you didn't feel the need to ask nor he didn't feel the need to explain what he was doing on Tinder.

Didn't want to lose you my eye.

He was on Tinder looking for other women. Be that for a shag or an emotional connection, does it matter? He could have chosen you and he did not. I am sorry because I know that sounds harsh but it is the facts. That he did not choose you is not your fault, it is not because you are too ugly or too fat or too clingy or too anything else. Maybe he is incapable of commitment, Maybe he is a sex addict, maybe he is a narcissist, maybe he is just a d*ck. Does it matter? He cannot give you what you need or deserve which would be fine, what is not fine is that he keeps reeling you in for his own amusement. That is cruel.

He does not value you. But you can choose to value you.

Block him on everything, find out how to block him on your phone if you do not know. If you can't figure it out, change his name to "DO NOT ANSWER" or "DO I VALUE MYSELF?" might prompt you to ignore him.