regret contacting an ex

LegacyUser

I contacted an ex recently after a long period of no contact. There was a lot of stuff that had happened during the relationship that made me feel very insecure and I thought I needed to deal with it to properly move on. I didn't want to get back with him or anything. He replied and addressed what I had said, he was nice and polite but I felt mortified and selfish. I for some reason thought I could say what I wanted and he wouldn't reply. I apologised for getting in contact, he said it was fine. I felt funny about the whole thing because I was quite open about what I thought about everything... I felt good immediately after sending it because I had not articulated some of what I had felt at all and I definitely needed to. But I don't think I should messaged him...

He has since blocked me on Facebook (despite us not even being friends on it anymore) and other social media. It feels like a bit of a 'f**k you'. I had deleted his number when things ended and I hadn't contacted him before this so all of the blocking online seems a little unnecessary. I wanted to make myself feel better but I have failed to achieve that. I guess my concern is that he thinks I'm a bit nuts and thinks I'm a bad person in some way. I would not have contacted him again.

leggo

Happens. A lot. Break-ups are messy. There's no right or wrong way to do it and there's always stuff left unsaid on both sides, and it's perfectly natural to feel the need to just say it and be done for some closure. It's also perfectly natural to have a rush of blood to the head and send a text like you did. Don't worry too much about it, just write it off and move on.

lawred2

What's the problem here? You said what you wanted to to say. He was polite. That's the end of it.

Move on and let him move on while you're at it.

dr.fuzzenstein

OP, don't worry, its done now and can't be changed. Yes, it will haunt you for a bit, but it will get better. I am after coming out of a very long relationship and due to financial matters and the house I am forced to be in contact with my ex all the time. It sucks big time and is putting a strain on my new relationship, so you're lucky, you can move on and forget about it. Of course no one just forgets what happens in their life, but we just bury it under new stuff. Chin up, it will get better.

RoyalMarine

He probably blocked you as he has moved on and perhaps he has a new partner that wasn't comfortable with you contacting him.

Don't take it as a fck you, take it as a permanent end to communication and move on from it yourself.

forgodssake

Regret what you don't do, not what you do ....... take it as experience ! when one door closes another opens .

barneystinson

forgodssake wrote: »

Regret what you don't do, not what you do ....... take it as experience ! when one door closes another opens .

I regret not murdering another driver who nearly caused me to crash last week, are you saying I'd have less regret if I'd actually done it...??

forgodssake

barneystinson wrote:

I regret not murdering another driver who nearly caused me to crash last week, are you saying I'd have less regret if I'd actually done it...??

I posted in reference to the OP regarding a decision that was made to contact an ex .

HS3

Ah that's harsh. But I would do the same as your ex. Not through any malice or 'fck you', but your past is in the past and you don't want it popping up at random times in the future. He took your comments well, by the sounds of things. He could have just read and deleted, but he at least responded to you.

Social media is such a mind melt sometimes , the things you can notice that before it was invented you would never have known.

You got to say what you wanted. Box it off and move on now.

barneystinson

forgodssake wrote: »

I posted in reference to the OP regarding a decision that was made to contact an ex .

Oh I know that, suppose I'm just wondering what parameters you apply to that little nugget - it's one of my pet peeves - meaningless ontologically redundant "wisdom"...

Merkin

barneystinson wrote: »

Oh I know that, suppose I'm just wondering what parameters you apply to that little nugget - it's one of my pet peeves - meaningless ontologically redundant "wisdom"...

And one of my pet peeves is people who evidently don't read the charter and decide to 'contribute' to a thread by being needlessly rude and unhelpful. Go and read it.

Katgurl

I think I can imagine how you feel OP. You sent him a mail expressing all the stuff you felt you didn't get a chance to when you broke up and felt you'd asserted yourself and gotten rid of a weight. You expected him to be offended by it. Then he somehow managed to gain higher ground by responding politely to you followed by the immediate blocking suggesting you planned to keep contacting him against his will like some stalker type. So another rejection. And to top it all off he now has the email evidence of your outburst.

I would be pretty pissed by that situation too. But unfortunately you'll have to chalk it up to experience. Were the things you said warranted? If you stand behind everything you said then you really have nothing to feel embarrassed about.

Personally I never give anyone ammunition to slag me off who had treated me badly. I just behave completely nonchalent and uninterested whenever I run into anyone in that category, usually go as far as to pretend the breakup details are a bit hazy now if they get brought up in the form of an apology. You'd be surprised how much laughing and saying "oh God, that's ringing a bell, I think I was very annoyed with you about it... So silly when you look back on it all. Anyway how are you? Great, sorry ive to run, lovely to see you" annoys a guy who fully expects you to be a crumpled mess. Angry exes just give them validation imo.

Leave him in the past and make a decision that his opinion doesn't matter. This stuff can only bother you if you let it.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies.

I know I should just forget about it all. Katgurl, you've pretty much nailed how I feel. He was polite but also addressed things in a deep enough way. I want to say that it was all warranted, I stand by all I said but I don't know if I should have directed it to him. I exposed myself a bit too much and so did he in his reply. I have a lot of hang ups, not just as a result of the way he treated me so I need to address that elsewhere I think.

He doesn't appear to be in a new relationship as just seen him on tinder. I've been on it for about 9 months and it's now he pops up. what timing. I'm inclined to think the blocking was all very deliberate, sending a clear message to eff off. My main goal for sending the email was to feel better about that relationship in general. I wanted to feel like it was a good experience. Suffice to say that didn't happen.

Onwards and upwards though. At least I can literally never look him up again!

[Mod Note OP as you are posting unreg'd a mod has to approve each post before it can appear, so no need trying to post the same thing again and again. Cheers.]

DukeOfTheSharp

As someone who dealt with this (not a toxic relationship, but an abusive one) I can say that I'm genuinely surprised he even responded. I just outright blocked my ex when she tried that craic, we were no longer friends and I thought that was enough of a hint that I never wanted to hear from her again. I know people want to be neutral here OP, but really...what did you expect? It seems to me that if you really wanted to move on, you wouldn't have made contact. Really and truly, you've no right to make contact and then get annoyed when your ex feels the need to block you. You weren't friends, you had no contact...but this was about you, and still is. He had to drop the hammer down on this to end any further communication on your part, because regardless of your intention, it's how your actions are perceived in context that's important...and you seemed adamant to intrude into his life to air out your issues, regardless of the how he might feel. Since this is the result of a toxic relationship, why would you care about making contact? Closure? How'd that work out for you?

Look OP, there are many things I could say to this, but they verge on mean to outright cruel and I want to be constructive. Please move on and maybe consider that your feelings aren't the be-all and end-all of any situation, and that your attempt at closure was ill-advised, self-centered and unhelpful. You don't seem to have a good grasp of social norms and etiquette when it comes to relationships ending, contacting exes and so on, because you refuse to examine the contact of your own actions. Get that sorted, and you'll never need to contact an ex to find closure ever again.

Vicxas

You've given yourself closure, you'll start to feel better soon enough and this will all be a distant memory.

LegacyUser

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

You don't seem to have a good grasp of social norms and etiquette when it comes to relationships ending, contacting exes and so on, because you refuse to examine the contact of your own actions

This is quite harsh. I'm assuming you mean context not contact.

I'm not sure either if you're suggesting that I was abusive, because that is not the case.

I recognise I was selfish. When he replied I realised this and apologised and said just this. He said I didn't need to say sorry and that was that. The blocking after this made me feel crap. I don't understand however why you'd feel the need to come onto this forum and as you say, refrain from being "mean and cruel". You don't know anything about me, or the person I was with. I don't think I'm the centre of the universe, I don't think I was right to contact him. But I did and I felt regretful so I came here. I want to learn from this but the presumptions about my character are not fair.

Apologies for the multiple post, I had received an error message. I didn't realise it sent at all.

batmanrobin

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

As someone who dealt with this (not a toxic relationship, but an abusive one) I can say that I'm genuinely surprised he even responded. I just outright blocked my ex when she tried that craic, we were no longer friends and I thought that was enough of a hint that I never wanted to hear from her again. I know people want to be neutral here OP, but really...what did you expect? It seems to me that if you really wanted to move on, you wouldn't have made contact. Really and truly, you've no right to make contact and then get annoyed when your ex feels the need to block you. You weren't friends, you had no contact...but this was about you, and still is. He had to drop the hammer down on this to end any further communication on your part, because regardless of your intention, it's how your actions are perceived in context that's important...and you seemed adamant to intrude into his life to air out your issues, regardless of the how he might feel. Since this is the result of a toxic relationship, why would you care about making contact? Closure? How'd that work out for you?

Look OP, there are many things I could say to this, but they verge on mean to outright cruel and I want to be constructive. Please move on and maybe consider that your feelings aren't the be-all and end-all of any situation, and that your attempt at closure was ill-advised, self-centered and unhelpful. You don't seem to have a good grasp of social norms and etiquette when it comes to relationships ending, contacting exes and so on, because you refuse to examine the contact of your own actions. Get that sorted, and you'll never need to contact an ex to find closure ever again.

You do realise the OP isn't your ex? You're projecting a lot of your own issues onto the OP in that post.

OP, in future, I'd suggest writing down whatever you might be feeling and then burn it. It's quite therapeutic and it saves any issues like what you're facing now. Of course it's not nice to be blocked. Honestly, it's a little egocentric of him. I mean I can see where he's coming from to a certain extent, but to react like that after one text... who knows, he could be going through his own stuff. But look you did it and it can't be undone. I know it's easier said than done, but just try to put it out of your mind, close the door on it and move on.

Winter Meadow

batmanrobin wrote: »

You do realise the OP isn't your ex? You're projecting a lot of your own issues onto the OP in that post.

OP, in future, I'd suggest writing down whatever you might be feeling and then burn it. It's quite therapeutic and it saves any issues like what you're facing now. Of course it's not nice to be blocked. Honestly, it's a little egocentric of him. I mean I can see where he's coming from to a certain extent, but to react like that after one text... who knows, he could be going through his own stuff. But look you did it and it can't be undone. I know it's easier said than done, but just try to put it out of your mind, close the door on it and move on.

How is it egocentric to block someone? What's egocentric is trying to make someone offended make yourself feel better like the OP did.

Olishi4

Op, without knowing that many of the details of the conversation and the nature of your breakup, is it possible that your ex thought that you contacting him was an effort by you to re-establish or rekindle something? Then when he realised that you just wanted closure only, this annoyed him so he blocked you?

Anyway just draw a line in it and don't worry about it.

batmanrobin

Winter Meadow wrote: »

How is it egocentric to block someone? What's egocentric is trying to make someone offended make yourself feel better like the OP did.

Egocentric as in him "maybe" (do note that word) thinking she still has the hots for him and would be contacting him all the time, rather than acknowledging it as a once off.

How is the OP making someone offended? Your last bit isn't too clear.

Shint0

batmanrobin wrote: »

How is the OP making someone offended? Your last bit isn't too clear.

There have been some very OTT responses here to the OP. One earlier even suggesting she see a psychiatrist :rolleyes: but I think that got removed.

OP you regret what you did and recognise that. I think that's enough. People make mistakes. People are human and I think that has been the general consensus here not to worry about it or dwell on it too much.

anewme

I kinda get why some ppl are harsh towards the op.

i actually don't think the op boyfriend blocking her is telling her to eff off. It would seem that he just does not want to hear from her again.

They say the opposite of love is not hate, it's actually indifference and he just considers that chapter closed.

If he had sent back a nasty message or started arguing the Op would have got the validation she wanted, but it backfired because he was polite and then just did not engage further. He does not need to hear the op has issues or whatever, he dos not want any explanations or recriminations. he's simply done with the whole thing!!!

If you wanted to deal with it to move on, you can do this without involving him. Best thing is to write a letter, but don't send it.

I had similar with an ex, nothing was doing me only to contact him to explain, in the end I did up an email, which I edited about 200 hundred times and something stopped me from sending it so I saved it to drafts. clearing out my inbox the other day, I came across it and deleted it, having read it I just cringed!!!!


Op, it's a life lesson, in this case he was the bigger person and rose above it, you did what you did, don't crucify yourself, you can't take it back, once you learn from it that's all that matters.

LegacyUser

I did not 'agree' with anyone about what my own motivations were. I thought Katgurl summed up pretty well what I felt, yes. Not what my motivations were. I sent an email in error, and now I regret it. I did not contact him in order to make him feel badly. I find it baffling that you seem to have set up a boards.ie account today just to have a go at me. You cannot read my mind, and you have not even read my posts properly.

I think the poster who suggested I write about it then destroy it/not send it/anything but send it had good advice. I did not see the psychiatrist remark, but if that was meant to be an insult, I don't take it as such. I would be very open to getting help if I thought I needed it. Not that it'd be anyone here's business. I still think his blocking was over-the-top, I emailed him... you cannot block emails. To block me on apps that I am not even connected to him with is quite silly. He was a bit dramatic at the time about things so perhaps it's just his way. Or maybe he's just annoyed as someone suggested. I'll make my peace with it.

I understand many people responding have probably contacted/been contacted by an ex post break-up and some people have very clearly brought their baggage here.
Thank you to those who have sent helpful replies. I know nobody could explain to me why he blocked me or undo the regret I felt but some of it has helped.

LegacyUser

anewme wrote: »

I kinda get why some ppl are harsh towards the op.


If he had sent back a nasty message or started arguing the Op would have got the validation she wanted, but it backfired because he was polite and then just did not engage further. He does not need to hear the op has issues or whatever, he dos not want any explanations or recriminations. he's simply done with the whole thing!!!

I did not reveal the contents of his reply. Why would I have wanted as nasty reply? People should stop making presumptions about my thought process here. Nothing I said would have warranted a nasty reply. His reply highlighted some of his own issues actually. I realised I was wrong to contact him and apologised after this.

DukeOfTheSharp

bleurghregret wrote: »

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

You don't seem to have a good grasp of social norms and etiquette when it comes to relationships ending, contacting exes and so on, because you refuse to examine the contact of your own actions

This is quite harsh. I'm assuming you mean context not contact.

I'm not sure either if you're suggesting that I was abusive, because that is not the case.

I recognise I was selfish. When he replied I realised this and apologised and said just this. He said I didn't need to say sorry and that was that. The blocking after this made me feel crap. I don't understand however why you'd feel the need to come onto this forum and as you say, refrain from being "mean and cruel". You don't know anything about me, or the person I was with. I don't think I'm the centre of the universe, I don't think I was right to contact him. But I did and I felt regretful so I came here. I want to learn from this but the presumptions about my character are not fair.

Apologies for the multiple post, I had received an error message. I didn't realise it sent at all.

Yeah I wrote this on my phone and the autocorrect enjoys making me suffer.

I'm not implying you're any of those things, what I'm saying is that you made an incredibly ill-advised choice to do something that had literally no good outcome, regardless of the initial interaction. The need to block you as to avoid any potential future communication is a method of protection by your ex; he doesn't need to run the risk of you getting in contact with him again. As for your character? It doesn't matter here. This is for one situation, the one you laid out for us, and we have to comment on your actions and the resulting reactions, and in this particular area, what I seen was something that wasn't just ill-advised and selfish, it was unfair and damaging to both you and your ex, however he may have initially taken it. You have to understand that no matter how things turned out, just popping back into someone's life to reopen old wounds isn't good for you or that other person, and moving forward means you've to accept that he's not part of your life anymore, and make peace with that. Nobody gets 'closure', not really, and it ends up causing more harm than it ever could have good, which I think you'd agree now. Take this as a life lesson.

DukeOfTheSharp

batmanrobin wrote: »

You do realise the OP isn't your ex? You're projecting a lot of your own issues onto the OP in that post.

OP, in future, I'd suggest writing down whatever you might be feeling and then burn it. It's quite therapeutic and it saves any issues like what you're facing now. Of course it's not nice to be blocked. Honestly, it's a little egocentric of him. I mean I can see where he's coming from to a certain extent, but to react like that after one text... who knows, he could be going through his own stuff. But look you did it and it can't be undone. I know it's easier said than done, but just try to put it out of your mind, close the door on it and move on.

I'm contextualising my experiences (which made just as much sense to me as the OP's) and making it clear that the OP's situation is different, yet the actions remain the same; confusing, pointless and selfish - as is the case in any breakup.

Also, 'egocentric'? To block someone who you broke up with, were in a toxic relationship with, didn't have any contact with, then who reemerged much later to get some 'closure'? Oh, and lets not forget that they weren't friends anymore (I'm assuming this is facebook) so that's a pretty clear indicator of the circumstances. Under normal circumstances people would simply move on, but not in this case.
Look, in all honesty lets just call this as it is: the OP made a poor choice, and now they feel bad. They should, this was a selfish action, and there's no sense trying to decipher the exes reaction because it's very clear cut. The only issue here is the OP's bizarre overreaction to the blocking, like it's a personal offense despite the fact that they wouldn't have interacted ever again...so much so that the OP would've had to check if this was the case. It seems like the OP wants a pat on the head and their actions justified, but that's not healthy, nor were the actions taken, the context for those actions and the resulting topic made as a result.

bleurghregret

bleurghregret wrote: »

I did not 'agree' with anyone about what my own motivations were. I thought Katgurl summed up pretty well what I felt, yes. Not what my motivations were. I sent an email in error, and now I regret it. I did not contact him in order to make him feel badly. I find it baffling that you seem to have set up a boards.ie account today just to have a go at me. You cannot read my mind, and you have not even read my posts properly.

I think the poster who suggested I write about it then destroy it/not send it/anything but send it had good advice. I did not see the psychiatrist remark, but if that was meant to be an insult, I don't take it as such. I would be very open to getting help if I thought I needed it. Not that it'd be anyone here's business. I still think his blocking was over-the-top, I emailed him... you cannot block emails. To block me on apps that I am not even connected to him with is quite silly. He was a bit dramatic at the time about things so perhaps it's just his way. Or maybe he's just annoyed as someone suggested. I'll make my peace with it.

I understand many people responding have probably contacted/been contacted by an ex post break-up and some people have very clearly brought their baggage here.
Thank you to those who have sent helpful replies. I know nobody could explain to me why he blocked me or undo the regret I felt but some of it has helped.

Hiw did you know he blocked you if you weren't connected?

anewme

bleurghregret wrote: »

I did not reveal the contents of his reply. Why would I have wanted as nasty reply? People should stop making presumptions about my thought process here. Nothing I said would have warranted a nasty reply. His reply highlighted some of his own issues actually. I realised I was wrong to contact him and apologised after this.

You contacted him to project your issues onto him. By him taking the higher road, you had no comeback. Had he come back and told you to eff off it would have made you feel better in yourself, but by not engaging, he shut down any future contact, but again, you contacted him to apologise.

It does not matter if he highlighted his own issues, they are his issues to deal with and none of your business anymore.

You contacted him to send the mail and then contacted him again to apologise....all this is needless drama that is of no benefit to anyone and that's why he blocked you. He does not want to hear any more of it.

You now seem put out that he blocked you. How do you even know he blocked you and why do you even care?

anewme

bleurghregret wrote: »

I did not 'agree' with anyone about what my own motivations were. I thought Katgurl summed up pretty well what I felt, yes. Not what my motivations were. I sent an email in error, and now I regret it. I did not contact him in order to make him feel badly.

I still think his blocking was over-the-top, I emailed him... you cannot block emails. To block me on apps that I am not even connected to him with is quite silly.

You contacted him not to make him feel bad, but to make yourself feel better. It's not his remit to make yourself feel better.

I am surprised that you think blocking you was over the top, he just does not want any more drama or contact, its perfectly understandable.

If your boyfriend was coming on here and describing the situation in reverse, I am sure there are plenty of people who would just say, block all contact and move on.

You are overthinking the whole thing, put it in the past and move on.

LegacyUser

anewme wrote: »

You contacted him to project your issues onto him. By him taking the higher road, you had no comeback. Had he come back and told you to eff off it would have made you feel better in yourself, but by not engaging, he shut down any future contact, but again, you contacted him to apologise.

It does not matter if he highlighted his own issues, they are his issues to deal with and none of your business anymore.

You contacted him to send the mail and then contacted him again to apologise....all this is needless drama that is of no benefit to anyone and that's why he blocked you. He does not want to hear any more of it.

You now seem put out that he blocked you. How do you even know he blocked you and why do you even care?

I would absolutely not have felt better that way. Again, you cannot read my mind. He did engage. I don't find it helpful to be told repeatedly how selfish I am when I've already acknowledged that.

The thread can be closed now, thanks to those that were helpful.

anewme

bleurghregret wrote: »

I would absolutely not have felt better that way. Again, you cannot read my mind. He did engage. I don't find it helpful to be told repeatedly how selfish I am when I've already acknowledged that.

The thread can be closed now, thanks to those that were helpful.

I am not really sure what you wanted people to say to you? You have not responded as to how you know you are blocked on Social Media and apps. Best thing to do is not to look and then you wont know.

Constructive and "helpful" advice is fair, honest and objective. it does not always involve telling people what they want to hear.

Good Luck with it.

LegacyUser

anewme wrote: »

I am not really sure what you wanted people to say to you? You have not responded as to how you know you are blocked on Social Media and apps. Best thing to do is not to look and then you wont know.

Constructive and "helpful" advice is fair, honest and objective. it does not always involve telling people what they want to hear.

Good Luck with it.

I found out by accident, through an another app. I don't want to be any more specific for privacy reasons. It seems like you only want this information so you have the opportunity to say how wrong I was to check in the first place. I was upfront about things in my first post, I was wrong and I have felt terribly since. I wanted some solace, I figured I wasn't the first to do it. But I'd like to stop talking about it now. I am finding the continued questioning and presumptions about my thought process quite stressful at this point and I'd really like the thread to be closed.

Thanks again for the replies.