Am I wasting my Life?

TommyWinter

Hi,

Thanks for taking the time to read this

I am currently dating a girl, some of what follows may seem selfish on my side as I am in a loving relationship I don't think that in some of the ways I think or speak I am being fair on my partner but I would really appreciate an outside view.

I am currently dating a girl, we were renting, and I was paying because I am working and she is not, now in her defense, she has been trying to get work and has been doing courses but in all the 6 years we have dated she has never had a paying job.

I understand that I am the person working and everything should be split but in the last year I have decided that it was just too much to continue paying rent and I decided it would be best if we moved home and save for a mortgage, she is 36, I am 31. I currently live with her parents and I now realize that I will struggle to pay a mortgage for both of us and feed us etc on my current salary. I have a well paid job, my girlf has high expectations for the standard of house 'we' want, I feel like I almost out of the input into buying,

I love her to bits, I have realized we have gotten on so much better in the last year but I now know why, I don't have to cook or wash her clothes anymore when I get in from work because her parents are doing it for her. When we were renting I would come home to a total mess, which could last for 3 days until I had time to tidy it, at the time I used to work long hours, we used to fight over sharing the housework and stupid stupid stuff like me working late, there were incidents of silly drama sessions where doors were locked when I came from work and she 'refused' to let me in because she didn;t know who was at the door.

The drama has settled at her parents but that;s not to say it is totally absent, we are currently trying for a baby, I would love to have kids but deep down I know this would add to our struggle, her dad pokes me every so often about the fact his daughter doesn't drive and when he was working and had a family he could afford to run a second car and have a mortgage.

This might seem a bit nasty but it is something I want an opinion on, when we are intimate which is not too often, even though we are trying for a baby, she wants me just to put it in and finish, she expects the full works from me but will not return the favour and there is very little touching from her. I sometimes wonder why she doesn;t have an interest, I try a lot and I do try kissing neck etc touching softly etc

If we break up the deposit I have saved will have to split with her, she worries about not having kids and we have been trying but deep down I wonder what would happen with kids, would her expectations change,

Writing this down makes her sound far worse than she is. I just feel like I have given up a lot of my life to her but she is half assed about our future, if I break with her, it will be so nasty, I will be hurt but it bad enough the way some of her family go on about me, we havn't been on holiday in 3 years because I can;t afford it, I have heard about this from 3 members of her family, one even telling me I need to get saving, I don't drink or smoke. I don't even go out to gigs anymore which I really miss,

amcalester

If she hasnt worked in all the time youve been together then she'll never work while you're together.

She's using you and however hard it is to leave this is what you should do.

And why are you trying for a child when you're already struggling financially.

TommyWinter

amcalester wrote: »

If she hasnt worked in all the time youve been together then she'll never work while you're together.

She's using you and however hard it is to leave this is what you should do.

And why are you trying for a child when you're already struggling financially.

Thanks for your reply, she has had jobs, usually work experience etc but nothing that has ever payed,

I guess we both want kids, we would get by,

sadie1502

If I can advise you anything dear jesus stop trying for a child. You know this is a mess do not drag a child into this for your own sake. If you are on here questioning things you know youre not happy you know yourself this isn't right to bring a child into. Please for your sake and a babies sake stop.

amcalester

TommyWinter wrote: »

Thanks for your reply, she has had jobs, usually work experience etc but nothing that has ever payed,

I guess we both want kids, we would get by,

To be honest if she's had numerous internships or work experience etc and wasn't kept on in any of them I'd be suspicious of the effort she put in.

Why would she bother? You were paying her rent, doing her laundry etc.

And now her parents are doing this for her? What does she do?

What practical steps has she actually taken in the last 6 years to improve her lot apart from get with you?

She may well have cottoned on to how you're feeling and in order to keep the gravy train rolling is willing to have a baby with you.

Scarinae

Do I have this correct - you were living together and you were working full time, paying the rent and bills, cooking meals and doing all the housework? What was she doing all day?

And now you're living with her parents so they've taken on the cooking and housework which takes the pressure off you a bit, but you're the only one actually contributing to the savings for the mortgage - and her family are bitching about you not taking this leech on holidays, instead of asking her why she can't just get a job?! (ok so she's been faffing about doing courses for six years, but what's stopping her getting a job in a shop or a restaurant or something until she qualifies as whatever she's working towards, at least then she'd be contributing something)

I've no idea why you want to have a baby with her either. Also once she gets pregnant she'll definitely never work and you'll be bankrolling everything for the rest of your lives. It sounds like she just wants a meal ticket. Dont you think you deserve someone who wants to build a future together, rather than expecting you to do everything?

Zaph

TommyWinter wrote: »

If we break up the deposit I have saved will have to split with her

Why? She's contributing nothing and taking you for a mug and this somehow entitles her to half the deposit you've saved? The only advice you need is to run away now while you still can.

Alf Veedersane

The fact you've posted this means it's already niggling you. And she's not going to change.

A baby will make it worse.

You know deep down that it's not for you. It would be horrible to leave.

But deep down I think you know that's the best course of action.

TommyWinter

Scarinae wrote: »

Do I have this correct - you were living together and you were working full time, paying the rent and bills, cooking meals and doing all the housework? What was she doing all day?

And now you're living with her parents so they've taken on the cooking and housework which takes the pressure off you a bit, but you're the only one actually contributing to the savings for the mortgage - and her family are bitching about you not taking this leech on holidays, instead of asking her why she can't just get a job?! (ok so she's been faffing about doing courses for six years, but what's stopping her getting a job in a shop or a restaurant or something until she qualifies as whatever she's working towards, at least then she'd be contributing something)

I've no idea why you want to have a baby with her either. Also once she gets pregnant she'll definitely never work and you'll be bankrolling everything for the rest of your lives. It sounds like she just wants a meal ticket. Dont you think you deserve someone who wants to build a future together, rather than expecting you to do everything?

She has a degree but won't take the small jobs, she said she will only work with her degree, which being honest I don;t see her getting work with, when I was working she was on work experience or at home all day, I worried for a while she was depressed but she said she didn't think she was, she just found it difficult to move away frm the tv or get up and do anything,

sadie1502

TommyWinter wrote: »

She has a degree but won't take the small jobs, she said she will only work with her degree, which being honest I don;t see her getting work with, when I was working she was on work experience or at home all day, I worried for a while she was depressed but she said she didn't think she was, she just found it difficult to move away frm the tv or get up and do anything,

What's her degree in? That to me is a poor excuse. She needs to cop on and live in the real world. You and her parents are enabling her to do shag all. You need to sit down and say it to her. Would she be with someone like her. Course she wouldn't. She is using you.

TommyWinter

Zaph wrote: »

Why? She's contributing nothing and taking you for a mug and this somehow entitles her to half the deposit you've saved? The only advice you need is to run away now while you still can.

I was told if she can prove that she was dependent on me I will be liable for maintenance, I heard it is the law but she would have to take me to court to enforce it. THis is an even bigger mess than I thought it was, I have tried to get out before but I just can't for lots of reasons.

jennyhayes123

Writing this in the first place is your answer.

sadie1502

If you take nothing else and stick with her. Please stop trying for a child.

Anongeneric

This may sound harsh but you need to leave immediately.
She doesn't work and complains that you work long hours.
Doesn't do the house work while you're paying for everything.
If you have a child, bear in mind that the child will grow up with this same entitled view of you and the world in general.
Would you be proud of that child??

However difficult it is you have to go sooner rather than later.
If you're asking it on here you already know that is the case.

Best of luck

Alf Veedersane

TommyWinter wrote: »

I have tried to get out before but I just can't for lots of reasons.

That's your answer.

The reasons you think you can't aren't reasons. They're just things that make it more difficult but they're not reasons to waste your life.

Even if you did have to split anything you'd saved, for argument's sake, it's still cheaper than paying for a house and its upkeep on your own

Mr McBoatface

Get out now... don't waste what are the best year's of your life on someone who's put no effort into improving your life together. She's a waster and you're enabling her behaviour. As for the money you earned it and it's yours but even if you lost some it'll be worth it.

Conor Bourke

If your friend or a sibling wrote your opening post and you read it, what would you advise them to do?

zoobizoo

TommyWinter wrote: »

Writing this down makes her sound far worse than she is. ,

No, it doesn't.

You've facilitated her in taking you for a ride and if you stay with her, which is what will continue to happen if you stay with her.

Have you ever spoken with friends or family about your 'partner'?

You're not in a relationship - you've adopted a spoilt teenager.

Relationships are meant to be give and take... what does she give?

Relationships are meant to be fun... yours sounds like hell.

bmwguy

Holy God man get out now and fast. Nothing will change. Answer is yes, you are wasting your life. Think of the nice life you could have with a lady contributing her part too. She sounds like the worst catch possible to be honest. Her family sound like they are very unrealistic too. This is not 1950 anymore.

If she was a homemaker, fair enough my own mother was all her life apart from a few part time jobs but she did keep a good house. Your girlfriend sounds like she wants to watch Jeremy Kyle all day. Be careful or you will be on the show one day.

ManOfMystery

This woman is a leech and a sponger.

She is not in love with you. She sees you as a meal ticket. Sorry if I sound harsh but I've encountered people like this before, as have others in here, and they're simply lazy scroungers IMO. I find it hard to believe that she couldn't have secured a single job in 6yrs if she was really making any kind of effort. Coupled with her other behaviour and a mummy and daddy who seem happy to enable her, I believe she is simply lazy.

Absolutely, 200% do NOT bring a baby into this relationship. Babies whilst wonderful are stressful and exhausting at the best of times, the last thing you need is this on your plate right now. And from an economic perspective, I can't help but think a baby would suit her perfectly as it essentially ties you into child maintenance benefits for the next 18yrs and her into a similar windfall from benefits. Apologies for assuming she would manipulate the benefit system, but I'd be shocked if she didn't tbh.

You need to get out of this relationship, and I think you also need to re-evaluate your own self-worth. You seem quite placid and nonchalant about the whole thing. I'm not in your shoes, and I feel a little bit angry about it all - why aren't you furious about being taken for a ride and expected to take all the pressure while she does SFA?

As for that thing about giving her half the deposit back - wind your neck in. It's your money. You owe her nothing, and there is no legal precedent to say otherwise. 'Spousal maintenance' has been bandied here and there but there are conditions related to it, and it doesn't sound like you fall under any of them. You're not married, no children, she has no salary trail, no income to a bank account and no court in the land would believe that she somehow contributed half of this deposit. I'm honestly flabbergasted that it was somehow agreed between you that you would give her half the deposit if you broke up. It's not hers to have.

If I was her, I'd be wholly embarrassed to have reached the age of 36 and still be expecting others to fund my life while I watch TV all day.

jobless

You sound like a nice guy, in fact probably too nice.... As harsh as it might sound the other posters have made good points... Everything in the relationship is coming from you.. I mean for God sake even doing her chores for her after u finish work and her at home all day... Please don't think having a baby will make things better... It will make it worse.... Don't have a child with the wrong person because you want a child... If she hasn't changed in 6 years I'm afraid she never will.... Btw tell her family to f off with their comments

fineso.mom

Any one of the problems you listed would be enough to seriously reconsider your relationship. But just picking the sex issues....OP seriously, you're only young, why in God's name would you stay with someone who doesn't make the slightest effort while having sex?? Think about it...another 30 years of that? You deserve so much more from a relationship.
Actually from all you've said I don't think what you have could be called a relationship.
Can I ask,and think about this for a minute. What does she do to make you happy? To show you she loves you?
Love can be the big things but also the small things. An ex of mine (who is still a friend), used to put a saucer on my coffee mug if I had to leave the table to take a call,so that my coffee would stay hot longer. A small thing but it always made me smile.
Your post makes very sad reading. How much sadder would be be if there was a child too.
It doesn't have to be like this. You don't have to live like this.
There are so many women who would cherish a partner like you. Please give yourself a chance to find one.

Tigger99

Ah Tommy I really feel for you. You sound like you are in a horrible abusive relationship. Treated like crap by her and her family. I believe you that it might turn nasty so I would suggest putting alternative arrangements in place in secret before you break up with her.

If she has access to your bank account - pin numbers etc please change them and blame an it fault if she asks.

Can you find somewhere else to live, even a room to rent? Move what you need into there and you can get a friend to go back for the rest.

Whatever you do stop sleeping with this excuse for a human being. I'm quite angry at how she's treating you. And at this stage no wonder you see no way out. But there is always a way out. But if she gets pregnant it makes everything so so much harder.

Im getting the impression you are afraid of her family so I wouldn't break up with her at her home. In fact considering what you've said I'd do it by text.

Please mind yourself. You deserve to be happy, not just exist.

Tigger99

Oh and saying that you'd have to pay her maintenance sounds to me like a family member of hers trying to persuade you not to leave! It's BS. Sure doesn't she have her parents to depend on.

Abusive relationships don't always have to be physical. Would you think of ringing Amen, an organisation to help men. Www.amen.ie 0469023718

TommyWinter

fineso.mom wrote: »

Love can be the big things but also the small things. An ex of mine (who is still a friend), used to put a saucer on my coffee mug if I had to leave the table to take a call,so that my coffee would stay hot longer. A small thing but it always made me smile.

As stupid as it sounds, sometimes the little things annoy me so much, I could cook a dinner for us and she will take one fork and knife out of the drawer and one glass, I have said would it not make sense to take one for me too, she doesn't see the big deal but also rarely stays in the same room and moves back to the tv or computer with her dinner.

I drive her places and wait outside etc etc I get so jealous of other relationships, I would love to be in a relationship where we work together, I remember having an arguement and finishing with the line 'You do realize we play for the same team here' sometimes it just feels like she makes things more awkward for me, I know this is wrong,

I used to be this really stupid guy that loved laughing at everything and just taking the piss, I had so much fun and had a lot of friends, I look at my old life and I just feel so boxed in, restrained would be the best word, I used to look forward to Fridays, now it is just like any other day of the week,

I am still waiting for that person that backs me on what a great person she is, I feel like I have invested a lot in this and would love to see it work but it's not.

My dad who is a quiet guy and never got his nose broke sticking it in other people's business recently sat me down and said until she gets a job forget the mortgage, which was unexpected, although he had a few drinks at Xmas and kept hinting to break up with her, he always askes me what does she do all day, I have been stressed and just him saying stuff like one person in the house working doesn't cut it like the old days sometimes helps,

I am just sitting here whinging and moaning now and I know I need to do something, my excuse before was all my stuff was in our house and I couldn't leave but now I have nothing here but a few weeks worth of clothes and a laptop. It is probably the best chance I have, haha Jesus I apologise for feeling sorry for myself, thanks so much to everyone for replying, I had always felt this was the case in my head but just don't 100% see it like that

threetrees

Much and all that you want kids I think it would be pretty unfair to being a child into the world in your current relationship. Neither of you are ready to share and parent. She won't work, do chores or satisfy you intimately. You won't approach her with your issues, preferring to get online advice.

Iron out your issues by her changing her ways, (seriously, is this going to happen?), or by ditching her and moving on.

kylith

TommyWinter wrote: »

She has a degree but won't take the small jobs, she said she will only work with her degree, which being honest I don;t see her getting work with, when I was working she was on work experience or at home all day, I worried for a while she was depressed but she said she didn't think she was, she just found it difficult to move away frm the tv or get up and do anything,

That's because she is too lazy to do anything. I spent a couple of years unemployed during which, when I wasn't on a course, I was actively looking for work in a broad range of jobs as well as seeing it as my job to keep the house clean and have dinner on the table when my then partner came home. I would have been mortified to sit at home all day doing nothing.

TommyWinter wrote: »

I was told if she can prove that she was dependent on me I will be liable for maintenance, I heard it is the law but she would have to take me to court to enforce it. THis is an even bigger mess than I thought it was, I have tried to get out before but I just can't for lots of reasons.

She is not dependent on you; she lives with her parents. Let her try take you to court, she hasn't a leg to stand on.

I'm sorry, but you don't have reasons, you have excuses. You don't have children with her (and please don't). There is nothing at all stopping you from packing your bags and walking out the door except you.

fineso.mom wrote: »

Any one of the problems you listed would be enough to seriously reconsider your relationship. But just picking the sex issues....OP seriously, you're only young, why in God's name would you stay with someone who doesn't make the slightest effort while having sex?? Think about it...another 30 years of that? You deserve so much more from a relationship.

30 years? You're having a laugh! As soon as she gets pregnant that'll be it for sex of any kind.

TommyWinter wrote: »

As stupid as it sounds, sometimes the little things annoy me so much, I could cook a dinner for us and she will take one fork and knife out of the drawer and one glass, I have said would it not make sense to take one for me too, she doesn't see the big deal but also rarely stays in the same room and moves back to the tv or computer with her dinner.

I drive her places and wait outside etc etc I get so jealous of other relationships, I would love to be in a relationship where we work together, I remember having an arguement and finishing with the line 'You do realize we play for the same team here' sometimes it just feels like she makes things more awkward for me, I know this is wrong,

I used to be this really stupid guy that loved laughing at everything and just taking the piss, I had so much fun and had a lot of friends, I look at my old life and I just feel so boxed in, restrained would be the best word, I used to look forward to Fridays, now it is just like any other day of the week,

I am still waiting for that person that backs me on what a great person she is, I feel like I have invested a lot in this and would love to see it work but it's not.

My dad who is a quiet guy and never got his nose broke sticking it in other people's business recently sat me down and said until she gets a job forget the mortgage, which was unexpected, although he had a few drinks at Xmas and kept hinting to break up with her, he always askes me what does she do all day, I have been stressed and just him saying stuff like one person in the house working doesn't cut it like the old days sometimes helps,

I am just sitting here whinging and moaning now and I know I need to do something, my excuse before was all my stuff was in our house and I couldn't leave but now I have nothing here but a few weeks worth of clothes and a laptop. It is probably the best chance I have, haha Jesus I apologise for feeling sorry for myself, thanks so much to everyone for replying, I had always felt this was the case in my head but just don't 100% see it like that

My heart is bleeding for you Tommy. You sound like a fantastic, caring bloke who is being taken advantage of by a complete waster. She won't so much as get a knife and fork for you while she's getting her own, and she then walks off and leaves you alone, she gets you to drive her places and makes you wait outside, you feel trapped and penned in. Your father is worried about you, he is seeing the relationship from the outside and can see her for what she is.

OP, you are a caring man in his early 30s with a good job, who wants children. Leave this woman and you will soon have a queue of others interested.

LegacyUser

Have you been living together for 5 of those six years, get out asap? If cohabiting for 5 years she can apply for maintenance and if there's a child involved and living together for 2 years can do same. See citizens information re cohabiting couples and maintenance ... http://www.citizensinformation.ie/en/birth_family_relationships/problems_in_marriages_and_other_relationships/redress_scheme_for_cohabiting_couples.html Either way it feels like a child would be permanent tie to your finances. Run for hills. Her enabling parents have created a spoilt monsters, 36 years old ffs. Take yourself, your money, house deposit and remainder of dignity and live rather than exist for her. You'll thank self in long run.

beks101

OP what exactly is it that is keeping you from walking/running from the hills away from this woman? I know that love can be blind, but usually even in the most extreme cases there are tangible reasons to stay with someone, if barely comprehendible to other people, such as similar personalities or sense of humour or kindness or compassion towards each other etc.

I see absolutely no redeeming factors in this woman from your posts. Laziness and selfishness and complete and utter waste-of-space syndrome aside, she has turned your Fridays into "any other day" and has absolutely sucked the joy out of life for you. The people close to you can see it, your gut can feel it as this thread would highlight but you appear to have a mental block in doing what you know is so obviously the right thing here.

Is it a fear of change or the unknown? A stubborn determination to not let the last six years go to waste? A fear of having to "start again"?

Think about that and figure out how to quickly change it before you waste any more of your life on her. She doesn't love you, she doesn't even consider you as anything other than a means to an end (and some sort of butler, evidently) and her scrounging will only get worse if you have a child and she has a handy reason on a plate to quit the "job search" and pump you for more money. The child-rearing would probably be left to you too, on top of the long hours at work and bills and mortgage payments and household chores.

She is a woman-child, utterly incapable of adult responsibility and devoid of any sense of ambition. You on the other hand would be a catch to any woman - hard working, ambitious, committed, full of goals and dreams but directing them at the completely wrong person. Give yourself a chance to be single and to meet a woman worthy of you.

SusieBlue

Relationships are supposed to be equal contributions. And by equal, I mean both partners contribute as wholly as possibly to building and maintaining a life together.

As someone also in an LTR, I would never put so much financial pressure on my partner just because I was too picky about where I'd work.
She is not your dependant, she is not your child, she is a 36 year old woman & the fact that she hasn't worked in 6 years is an absolute joke. Beyond a joke. Has she no self respect sponging off you like that?

My brother lost his job last year & for the 5 months he was unemployed, his girlfriend supported them both. For that 5 months, he was up at the dawn looking for jobs while ensuring the house was spotless, the garden was tidy, errands were run, dogs were walked and there was a dinner on when she came home. He's only 23 and has far more cop on than your partner.

Her family sound like a nightmare, she's a spoilt self entitled leech... I'm sorry, I know you say she has good points but I fail to see how she could have any while treating you like this.

You are only 31 and obviously ready to settle down with the right woman. You sound compassionate, caring and very kind. All of those things combined make you very attractive to single ladies your age. Trust me.
You'll be snapped up again in no time by a woman who will appreciate your eagerness to settle down and treat you with dignity and respect.

Please don't get her pregnant and find yourself stuck to her for another 18 years. Take the money and run. You owe her nothing.
Take the best years of your life and run with them.

Shint0

TommyWinter wrote: »

I love her to bits

See that's the problem right there.

Even where there are just residual feelings for someone it can keep them stuck in that type of relationship. It would be so much easier if you completely resented her but love sometimes becomes warped in unhealthy relationships. Seeing their good side and some of their positive qualities from time to time is what keeps you sucked in. That can be very difficult to break away from where you can't see things clearly.

People who are emotionally abusive or engage in any form of abuse in relationships aren't abusive 100% of the time and that's what leads to confusion where you start to adjust your identity around them. In psychological terms it's known as cognitive dissonance. You recognise that you have completely changed since starting this relationship; stopped doing things you used to enjoy, no longer feel you are alive. That's the effect of an emotionally abusive relationship and being a kind, considerate person makes it more difficult for you to be taken advantage of where you continue to see her good qualities despite all evidence to the contrary and all the drama.

Do not bring a child into this type of relationship. It would be so irreponsible and possibly damaging for the child. If anything I think you should stop being intimate with her because that intimacy makes you want to feel close to her. Your needs aren't being met anyway so try to detach enough from her physically and emotionally until you can plan a way out. You sound like a really good guy and still so young. You will find someone else, I have no doubt. To answer your own question in your title - yes, you are wasting your life on someone who doesn't deserve you and thinks nothing for you.

PopTarts

I agree with everyone.

Get out now. Don't spend anymore time with her because you will regret it and you will look back here and wish you had listened to everyone.

You still have time to find the right girl who will make you happy and who you can enjoy life with.

End the relationship, take time out from them, go out with friends and realise what you've been missing and what kind of life you can have.

Just do it. Muster up the courage and leave, even if you have to return home yourself for a while.

Please don't get her pregnant though, she'll continue to have this hold on you and sounds like she would try and get every penny she can of you.

It will be good for her too, hopefully she can try and get some independence back herself.

With the sex thing go out and find a woman who you please and pleases you.

How unsatisfying sex must be for you!

Go and get a decent ride!

Ande1975

You should get her to write a book as it would be a bestseller and the money worries would no longer be an issue. Tentative title - 'how to get a guy to pay for your life, sit on your a$$, never have to sleep with him and make him feel so guilty that he'll never leave you'. I don't mean to belittle your situation OP but there was a thread on here earlier summer about a guy in a very similiar situation to you (he was posting that she didn't seem to care about him). She did nothing, they were trying for a child and he was footing the bill.

Your situation just reminds me of the response I gave to that thread

OP,

A close family member has been in a relationship with his partner going on 20 plus years now.
I was very proud of him. 20 years ago he was a tall, handsome, intelligent, witty guy and a fun person to be around.

Today he has put on a lot of weight, suffers from chest pains, stress, drinks too much and he is a shell of his former self. He is bitter and regretful of the life he has and resents his family for 'having it all' where he has nothing.

I attribute it to the toxic psychotic excuse for a woman who is his partner. Every single thing in his life is controlled by her. She hasn't worked in over 15 years. She takes no responsibility for their house (which is shabby and falling apart), their garden (which is overgrown now). She doesn't cook and my nephew informed me recently that Daddy has curry stains on his shirt when he comes home. He has to get a take away on his way home as she won't let him bring it into the house.

He went through a bad year of financial difficulty, almost to the point where we were fearful for his safety. The burden was all his and she did absolutely nothing to help. Her life was not going to be impacted in anyway.

I mentioned a nephew. From the very beginning we could see this woman was toxic. I can feel my blood pressure increase so I will be brief. About 12 years ago, my family member started to express reservations about their relationship and another woman had expressed interest in him. I encouraged him. He had expressed a desire to have a family etc and his partner was not interested. Low and behold a year later he tells me his partner is expecting. I cannot begin to express the disappointment I felt. I couldn't hide it. Here this intelligent articulate guy who had everything going for him, who saw the light had fallen into the trap. Boy was it a trap.

His partner behaved like she was the first woman to ever give birth. He had to give up work for 18 months to stay home with her to help out. I am actually getting upset again recollecting this.
My family member did all the school runs and rearing as his partner refused to let anything interfere with her sleep. Oh the stories I could tell.

The reason I am telling you this OP, is that your story reminds me so much of him. The reason he stayed was he didn't feel anyone else would have him. I can see the regret in his eyes today. He hasn't had a holiday in 10 years. Yet he funds his partners trips. He is working himself into an early grave.
My nephew recently said to his father. Daddy you know I love you but I would have to stay with mummy. WTF did that come from?

I can't write anymore as its becoming too distressing again but please OP... a chance for an easy life and fear of being alone is not worth a lifetime of stress, regret and uncertainty.

Apologies for the long post

Please leave her. You are too good a guy to be with a energy vampire like her. You deserve much much better and I hope you know it.

tayto lover

The last thing you need is a child.
She needs a child to keep a hold on you, surely you can see that.

Get out of the situation i.e. leave as fast as you can and don't even look back.
She has been having you for a fool.
AND she's a lazy slob.

Flutterby80

Hi Op, I rarely post here but your post made me so angry and actually upset for you that I had to say something. You sound like such a fantastic caring person who is basically being taken for an absolute ride.

I'm a 36 year old woman myself who has worked since I left school in some form or other as my parents didn't raise layabouts. At the moment I'm on maternity leave with my 7 week old baby. As I'm the main bread winner my boyfriend is currently working 6 day weeks to cover our Mortage and bills. This is the way a real relationship works op, we are equal in every way, as well as working long hours he is fantastic with the baby and helps out at home. As I'm here all day I've taken over the majority of the housework, it's give and take. I'm not boasting, this is normal but it's not something you are ever going to have with that leech.
Please get out now and find yourself an ambitious woman who wants the same things in life that you do. Find someone who is funny and interesting and who is as crazy about you as you are about her. Some day you will look back and wonder how you ever undersold yourself so much. You deserve so much more !!

jon1981

Oh boy OP, reading that sounds like a horror story. Past trends are always a good indicator of future behavior and this has disaster for you written all over it.

Be selfish here an get the f**k out. I'm not going into any deeper level of justification here, you've put up ample reasons why this needs to end, for you.

Do not have a baby with this woman, get out, she is taking the ultimate p*ss here and rinsing you out. Grow a pair of f**king balls ( I mean that in the nicest way) and value your life, you're 31, do you want another 40-50 yrs of this?!

If you're broke now, imagine how you'll be if you have a baby with her, continue this farce of a relationship for a few more years, then you snap/crack and leave for your own sanity and you're hung out to dry for maintenance!

Scarinae

TommyWinter wrote: »

I was told if she can prove that she was dependent on me I will be liable for maintenance, I heard it is the law but she would have to take me to court to enforce it. THis is an even bigger mess than I thought it was, I have tried to get out before but I just can't for lots of reasons.

Was it her that told you this? I'm not surprised she'd say that, she has everything to gain from you believing that you'll lose loads by leaving her.

TommyWinter wrote: »

She has a degree but won't take the small jobs, she said she will only work with her degree, which being honest I don;t see her getting work with

Like you said it’s not that she can’t get a ‘small’ job, it’s that she won’t. Nobody is too good to work – I have a master’s degree and I worked in a shop while I was studying and then for nearly a year after I finished while I looked for a job relevant to my field. Even if her dream job related to her degree comes up and she goes for an interview, they’re probably going to choose a candidate who has worked hard even in unrelated jobs rather than the person who has sat on their hole for years.

OP, I hope when you’re reading these responses you’re not feeling attacked, I think everyone is just furious on your behalf that you’re being treated like this. You’re only 31, you still have your whole life ahead of you. Are you worried that you won’t find someone else? To be honest, even if you don’t find someone else it sounds like you’d be much better off single than you are right now – you would be free of this leech of a girlfriend and instead of her draining your money you’d be able to spend it on yourself. Instead of her draining your lifeforce you’d be able to reconnect with your friends or make new ones, you could take a holiday just for the hell of it, there would be nothing stopping you from doing whatever the hell YOU want and enjoying your life and looking forward to the weekends!

But seriously, you sound like a really lovely, caring, considerate, loving guy and that is something that so many women would value. Wouldn’t it be amazing to be in a relationship with someone who cares about you and your wellbeing, sees you as an equal and wants to build a life together rather than wringing you out for all they can get?

TommyWinter wrote: »

My dad who is a quiet guy and never got his nose broke sticking it in other people's business recently sat me down and said until she gets a job forget the mortgage, which was unexpected, although he had a few drinks at Xmas and kept hinting to break up with her, he always askes me what does she do all day, I have been stressed and just him saying stuff like one person in the house working doesn't cut it like the old days sometimes helps

I think this is quite telling… Your dad never sticks his nose into other people’s business so it must have taken a lot for him to actually say this to you. He’s been very clear with you on what he thinks, that’s because he loves you and he wants you to be happy but he can see that you’re not. He knows that you deserve better than this. Nobody on this thread knows you but we can all see that you deserve better than this. Value yourself!

brevity

Listen to your Dad. If he's anything like my Dad, who doesn't speak very often, but when he does its because he has something important to say.

Run, and don't look back.

silverbolt

TommyWinter wrote: »

She has a degree but won't take the small jobs, she said she will only work with her degree, which being honest I don;t see her getting work with, when I was working she was on work experience or at home all day, I worried for a while she was depressed but she said she didn't think she was, she just found it difficult to move away frm the tv or get up and do anything,

OK, OP the problem is two fold

1. Shes lazy
2. You and her parents enable her.

I dont think this is entirely her fault. Shes had a long time being sat on her backside which makes people conditioned and its not an easy cycle to break.

Her parents sound like they come from the old irish mentality of the man provides the wife cleans and pops out the sprogs. However they havent drilled her side of the bargain in quite hard enough

Something here has to change and i dont think it should be you. Get out of there. Its not easy i know but better single than in that mess. Your 31, im older than you and i found a loving relationship after a horrendous one, you can to

Yellow pack crisps

You don't need advice. You need to leave this person. Don't bring children into this environment, you're an adult and you have a choice to put up with this toxic and under developed person. Children don't! The most clear damning thing that was said was said by her father! As if she is your responsibility to look after and provide for: she is not. She sounds like a complete manipulator and hanger and believe me your life if you stay will be miserable! You think it's bad now? This period of your life will seem like heaven compared to a future within a union of marriage and kids with this girl! Girl! Not woman! Believe me there is far better partners out there.

LegacyUser

I'm somewhat mystified by this situation. Could you tell us what her degree is in? Is it something that you would need to work for yourself in and does she do any of that? Is she really sitting at home watching TV? Something doesn't add up. I hesitate to label someone lazy. I knew of a girl similar to your gf and it was quite understandable why she couldn't work for quite a while. Major tragedies in her life causing depression, left school early, went back to study but no work in the area except small companies that took advantage and under paid her. She eventually got something but it took a long time and she had to deal with a lot of problems first.
Does you gf seem happy with this situation? Has she said she is fed up and wants to change? If I was in her situation I would be desperately unhappy and actively looking at how to start a career in something else. There has to be more to this. Not blaming you OP just want a clearer picture of her story.

Keyzer

From what you put in your first post, you sound like a complete doormat.

You need to grow a pair of stones and tell your partner that her behaviour and expectations are unacceptable.

If things don't change, end the relationship. Otherwise, you'll spend the rest of your life serving this lazy, entitled woman.

Have some respect for yourself.

ManOfMystery

TommyWinter wrote: »

As stupid as it sounds, sometimes the little things annoy me so much, I could cook a dinner for us and she will take one fork and knife out of the drawer and one glass, I have said would it not make sense to take one for me too, she doesn't see the big deal but also rarely stays in the same room and moves back to the tv or computer with her dinner.

I drive her places and wait outside etc etc I get so jealous of other relationships, I would love to be in a relationship where we work together, I remember having an arguement and finishing with the line 'You do realize we play for the same team here' sometimes it just feels like she makes things more awkward for me, I know this is wrong,

You will not magically transform your OH into a hard-working, loving and caring partner. You've been together for years. That's simply not going to change at this point and it would be unrealistic to assume otherwise.

The fact is, she doesn't care. Doesn't care about you, or how hard you work, or how all the pressure is on you. She cares only about herself.

You ever see those couples out and one will tenderly lay a hand on their partner's neck? Or they'll go into a shop and bring back a coffee or ice cream just because they thought their partner would like it? Or they'll come home and their partner will have run them a bath so they can relax after a stressful day? Those actions stem from partners truly loving and caring about one another, and being at the forefront of each other's thoughts. They come naturally and don't even take a thought.

When you have a partner who really doesn't care, despite what lies they may tell you, these things don't come naturally and it's difficult to feign them on a continual basis.

By staying with this woman OP, you are 50% of the problem. You're allowing her to continue treating you like this. You chose to be with her, and you now also have the choice to leave if you so desire. There is no law on earth dictating that she must be in your life.

Bear in mind that whilst you're with her, you're pretty much closing off all the options of meeting a partner who WILL give you what you want. One who wants to treat you well, one who wants to take you to bed, and one who's proud to make the effort in money and work so they can contribute 50% to the relationship too.

HillsideHorse

Will this post be deleted aswell??

Mod Snip

Mod note
HillsideHorse, have a read of our charter. Blatant trolling, generalisations are not welcome in PI/RI and if you continue to post in such a manner you are going to force the mods to action appropriately

Before posting again read our charter but we don't want to see you post again in this thread having had a previous trolling post deleted and now having had this one addressed.

groovyg

TommyWinter wrote: »

She has a degree but won't take the small jobs, she said she will only work with her degree, which being honest I don;t see her getting work with, when I was working she was on work experience or at home all day, I worried for a while she was depressed but she said she didn't think she was, she just found it difficult to move away frm the tv or get up and do anything,

Unbelievable and what an attitude, a friend of mine finished college with a business degree and didn't walk straight into a job in banking or the area he's in now. When he was looking for a job in his specific are he temped in various office doing admin roles, sorting the post, even when I left college myself I did catering and cleaning jobs because I had rent to pay. It sounds like your Gf has never had to worry about paying bills/ rent/food etc who paid for these things before she met you?
Its kinda scary you are trying for a baby even though you are both living with her parents. Mortgage lending is much stricter now, you need a deposit and you need to be able to prove that you can make the repayments. If you can't do this at present then its unlikely the bank will give you a mortgage.

Keyzer

If we break up the deposit I have saved will have to split with her, she worries about not having kids and we have been trying but deep down I wonder what would happen with kids, would her expectations change

I actually missed this part.

Why would you have to split the deposit with her? Have you lost you mind? You are not married and she has contributed nothing to the sum you have saved. She is entitled to nothing from you.

If you continue to entertain this behaviour then you only have yourself to blame, and you will, in 20 or 30 years time when you look back at your life and wonder how you let it happen. But you already know that.

LegacyUser

OP. Today is my birthday. I read RI a lot but never post. The best bday present ever would be to hear you broke free, and can become yourself again. I agree with all the other posters and have nothing else to add. However, sometimes in my life I have needed an extra push to be brave. I used this;

Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do.

So throw off the bowlines.
Sail away from the safe harbour.
Catch the trade winds in your sails.

Explore.
Dream.
Discover.

Maybe that can help you too.

orthsquel

OP, every other post says what I feel - you are wasting your life with this person. You have so much to offer as a person, as a boyfriend/partner/husband to someone else out there. Who you are, your personality, your nature, your kindness, your empathy and generosity, is being wasted on someone who has not shown an ounce of worth of it, and has not reciprocated at all, whatsoever anything you have given in this relationship.

But her behaviour is not at all loving behaviour. There's a passage in a self help book (Toxic parents by Susan Forward) I read recently which might be relevant here:

"Loving behaviour doesn't grind you down, keep you off balance, or create feelings of self-hatred. Love doesn't hurt, it feels good. Loving behaviour nourishes your emotional well-being. When someone is being loving to you, you feel accepted, cared for, valued and respected. Genuine love creates feelings of warmth, pleasure, safety, stability and inner peace".

Do you see any of the above in your relationship? Do you feel at all in any way accepted, cared for and valued? Because I don't think anyone here can agree that you are, and I don't think you ever will be in this relationship. The above passage is what you should be aiming for in a relationship, and what you deserve to have in a relationship, the minimum. You may think or feel that you "love" her, but there's little to love in who she is and how she treats you.

I'd give weight to what Beks101 has said about fear of change or the unknown. You should ask yourself that because there is no reason at all, to stay with this person. And I can only see it get worse and your life slip further away once there's a child.

You really should listen to your father... quiet people usually don't pipe up - regardless of how it comes about - unless what they have to say is very important that needs to be heard. I think he will be there as support for you, and I would suggest that you have a chat with him.

OP you are 31, you have a whole life still ahead of you. You deserve so much better than this relationship and I only hope for you, you realise this quickly. There is no love in this relationship; maybe you feel empathetic, caring, nurturing and compassionate towards her, but you are never, ever, ever going to get that back from her, ever, and tbh I can only imagine what an awful parent she is going to make since she is incapable of showing even a basic level of care or consideration for you that I can't imagine her showing an ounce of care or love for a child. Leave her and find someone who values you and can love you as you deserve... someone who will also be capable of caring and loving towards a child too.

Latro

TommyWinter wrote: »

Hi,

This might seem a bit nasty but it is something I want an opinion on, when we are intimate which is not too often, even though we are trying for a baby, she wants me just to put it in and finish, she expects the full works from me but will not return the favour and there is very little touching from her. I sometimes wonder why she doesn;t have an interest, I try a lot and I do try kissing neck etc touching softly etc

You are wasting your life man.
Looks like she doesn't desire you sexually either.
Once you have baby she will most likely lose all interest in sex.
Run while you can. Life is too short.

...__...

You need to take your deposit rent a place and go.

Then book a holiday to get away from everything and when you come back start looking forward to Friday nights again

endacl

TommyWinter wrote: »

If we break up the deposit I have saved will have to split with her

No it wouldn't. Sure, I have as much right to half the money you've saved as she does. Split it with me.

Do you get what I'm saying? Get out. Get on with your life don't look back.