looking for a bit of advice...

Aidenbyname

So I'm engaged to a gorgeous girl who I've been in a 'secret' relationship for the last 5 months. Basically we've been best mates for years, both had long term relationship with other people that didn't work out, were never single at the same time so didn't ever go there. We went away for Paddys day with a crew last year and through a truck load of alcohol got together, realized there was something there and thought we'd give it a go. Because we we've been such great friends for years we wanted to keep things under wraps for a while to get used the idea ourselves and see how things went on without any big proclomations. It's been phenomenal and she is the most definitely the one for me. I proposed 2 weeks ago and we made the announcement last weekend that a) surprise we are together and b) can you keep nye free cos we're going to get hitched. I thought everyone would be real excited for us but they are in fact really pissed. We're both from a small town and everyone seems to think we've been really deceitful. My girl is distraught, my sister (who is a really close friend of hers) had a right go at her at how she had been lying all this time. I ended up taking the sister aside and trying to explain - yes we may have told a few lies, but only out of a good place, eg...giving vague answers about plans for a weekend but actually heading off for the weekend ourselves. I don't know it's like Armageddon between them all now. Our parents are also not happy as they think it's too soon and we're too young.
I'm not sure what to do...will it all settle down eventually? Do we just plough on with the wedding plans? We are so happy, but also sad at the reaction.

strandroad

You didn't play it well with the lies, they now believe you're both immature and making a mistake. As they see it, you went from nothing to wedding plans in three seconds flat.
You need to wait it out, just be a normal couple for the next couple of months. Don't discuss engagement or wedding plans, let it all settle.

Cath54

Do you mind me asking how old you both are?

Aidenbyname

Cath54 wrote: »

Do you mind me asking how old you both are?

I'm 25, she's 24. Not too young and naïve!

Aidenbyname

mhge wrote: »

You didn't play it well with the lies, they now believe you're both immature and making a mistake. As they see it, you went from nothing to wedding plans in three seconds flat.
You need to wait it out, just be a normal couple for the next couple of months. Don't discuss engagement or wedding plans, let it all settle.

We're both very mature, level headed people. Just made the decision to figure things out ourselves first. I suppose we're both very dependable and reliable people, so it does seem a bit sudden and I get that, but I just want her to be my wife. I don't want to wait. That sounds way more dramatic written down...but it's the truth.

dee_mc

What's the hurry to get married?
Why not try being a couple in real conditions for a while first, get past the 'first flush' stage, give yourselves and your friends and families a chance to get to know ye as a couple?
Ye are young, ye have your whole lives ahead of ye, both just out of longterm relationships... slow down, enjoy each other. See how ye both feel in a couple of years.
I totally understand your friends and family feeling put out and concerned about this news ye have dumped on them: I know if I were in their position, I'd be upset and disturbed to see someone i love rushing head-first into a life-long commitment with someone they'd for some reason been secretly dating for just a few months.
If I were you I'd take a step back and rethink the marriage idea for now.

Esel

Old saying: Marry in haste, repent in leisure.

What's the hurry?

pookie82

A few things jump out -

You're in your mid 20s. Not fresh out of the pram by any means, but nowadays still considered quite "young" to get married; I think I read somewhere the average age in this country these days is 31 ... so you're a good 6 years early, and her 7. That's not a rule you have to live by, of course, I'm just explaining why it might *seem* young nowadays to announce this at 24/25.

Following the initial shock, I'm surprised your families are having such a strong, negative reaction. I'm thinking it's because:
a) Your respective ages
b) The speed of such a huge decision (5 months seeing each other?)
c) Possibly your pasts?

You've both been in LTRs before ... how recently did they end on either side? Are your families perhaps thinking one or both of you have leapt into a rebound relationship and are moving too fast?

If none of the above applies, you're sure this is the one for you and you want to marry her, there's still no rush. Time itself will shut your family/friends up, if they have doubts. Agree to a year’s engagement, or longer (tbh most well established couples have on average an 18 month wait between announcement and a date, for practical reasons if nothing else).

Everyone around you will realise as time passes that you're not making a rash decision and have your head screwed on if you don't race down the aisle.

Big Bag of Chips

Ok. You've been friends for a while, you've been in a relationship for a short time which none of your families knew about and out if the blue you announce you're getting married in 4 months.

Seriously?!

You may as well have told your family you're getting married to an absolute stranger that they've never met. They've never seen you two being a couple. Of course you're not kids and you're not eejits, but there is an immaturity to your behaviour. You are both caught up in the thrill of being with each other. The excitement of a relationship in it's early days.

To your families, you're not that long out of school! Do you live together? Do you plan on living together? When? Where? Can you afford to get married (even on the cheap) and live together independently of your families and do it all together in the next 4 months?

I understand your excitement. I genuinely do. Within 2 weeks of being with my husband I knew I was going to marry him. Within 3 months of being together we had decided to buy a house and within 5 months had moved into our house. We got married after 3 years. My mother was horrified! (Before we got married!!) I was 23, with a mortgage with a fella, in her eyes, I hardly knew.

Your sister understandably is upset at her best friend lying to her. And dress it up how you like, you lied to everyone!! I know that it's your lives and you are of course entitled to take whatever path you choose. But your family and friends are equally as entitled to an opinion on it! You don't have to accept their opinion, but it won't stop them having it.

You can carry on regardless and things will probably all be ok. Or you can wait, even another 12 months to get things in order and do it then. Have you discussed things for the future? Children? How many? Age gap? Jobs? Childcare? Maternity leave? Stay at home, or return to work? Money? Where to live? House for just 2, or a family? I know a lot of that stuff won't need to be discussed until closer the time but you need to have an idea of each other.

Ultimately it's your lives. But your families love you. And they're worried about the what ifs. Getting all offended and insulted because they are reacting badly to what they see as a silly notion is only enforcing to them that you are too immature to be marrying.

GingerLily

I can't understand why two healthy mid-twenties want to get married on NYE after only hooking up that Paddys day? What's the rush? If you want your friends and family to respect your relationship stay engaged but hold off on all wedding preparations, give your loved ones a chance to adjust, it's a bit selfish to spring so much on them at once.

It sounds like your in the honeymoon period, but that ends, wouldn't it be best to live together first?

Meauldsegosha

Aidenbyname wrote: »

b) can you keep nye free cos we're going to get hitched.
Do we just plough on with the wedding plans?

I can understand why your family is upset, this person they knew as your friend has suddenly become your fiancee and will be your wife in 4 months. It would be a shock to most people. They, like me, probably don't understand the reasons for keeping the relationship secret for 5 months. I could understand keeping it low key while you got to know each other as boy/girlfriend but after a couple of months why the secrecy?

Personally I think 24/25 is too young to get married. When I was that age I thought I was mature and knew best about everything, twenty years later I realise how naive I was.

From the practical side of things, 4 months to organise a wedding is not that long, especially a NYE wedding. My friend is getting married on NYE and has been planning it for 18 months and it's not a big wedding (60 people at most).

Ursus Horribilis

Regardless of what the people around you think, you owe it to yourselves to put the brakes on this. You're only a proper couple for 5 months and you're still drunk with the excitement of finding "the one". I don't understand the almost frenzied dash to the altar. What's the rush? The sensible thing to do here would be to postpone the wedding, move in together and see how the pair of you work as a couple. For both of your sakes you need to move out of the honeymoon stage and on to the mundane grind of everyday life.

Big Bag of Chips

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Regardless of what the people around you think, you owe it to yourselves to put the brakes on this. You're only a proper couple for 5 months and you're still drunk with the excitement of finding "the one".

I'd even argue you've only been a proper couple since the weekend when you told people and were able to be open about your relationship. Up to this point part of the thrill has been the secrecy.

You proposed 2 weeks ago. And have announced a wedding date for 4 months time. Do you know how to organise getting married? I don't just mean organise a wedding, picking a place and inviting a few people. I mean the legal side of getting married. Have you given your 3 months notice to the registrar yet? You'd really want to be doing that in the next week or 2 to be sure of having the paper work finalised in time. You'll have enough last minute hitches to be worrying about without worrying about that too. Have you confirmed a venue? New Years Eve is a Saturday this year!! And notoriously busy for weddings and parties in general. You might have trouble finding a venue you're happy with at short notice. Have you confirmed a celebrant/person to conduct the marriage?

Being married might be a wonderful, idyllic, romantic experience for you. Getting married is a legal process that needs certain arrangements in place.

Announcing a date is lovely. Announcing a date without having any plans confirmed, whilst trying to prove to the doubters that you know what you're doing and are not being immature is putting a lot of pressure on yourselves!

Gregor Samsa

Aidenbyname wrote: »

I'm 25, she's 24. Not too young and naïve!

If you can't understand why family and friends would be upset that you didn't trust them with knowing about your relationship, and are suddenly jumping into marriage in 4 months time, then I have to say it: You are naïve.

On a more practical note (which may also indicate some naïveity), I'm not sure what kind of wedding you're planning, but hoping to do it in 4 months - especially on NYE of all nights - is ambitious.

You legally need to give a minimum of 3 months notice to get married, so you'll have to have all that in place by the end of September.

New Year's Eve this year is a Saturday, so that definitely rules out a Civil/Registry Office wedding (they simply don't work weekends), leaving with either a religious or secular (e.g Humanist) wedding, and NYE may not be the easiest day to book any of them at this short notice. It's a popular wedding day. And that's just the ceremony. If you're having any kind of reception, good luck with booking that at this stage for NYE (you know all those New Years parties? They're already booked in the kinds of places you'll be looking to have your reception in).

Take your time, enjoy your engagement, get your friends and family back on side, and have a great wedding at a time that everyone can enjoy.

SarahMollie

Hi OP,

Firstly I think your family will come around, but you need to give them time and space to do so. Don't react to anything right now, make allowances for the fact that you've landed a big shock on them.

Seconly - a NYE wedding.... have you thought this through at all? From what I know, NYE is one of the most popular nights for weddings, and most venues will be booked far in advance. Have you thought made any moved to try to arrange anything? Do you know anything about planning a wedding? The average wedding in Ireland costs in the region of €20-25k. Is this in your plans? 4 months lead time into a wedding when you want one specific date (a very popular date at that) seems unrealistic. Are you (and she) willing to have something low key if thats even possible?

Perhaps if you knew the answers to any of the above, your family might take you more seriously?

Also, a wedding without first living together is madness in this day and age. Why not move in first and then set a date for NYE 2017?

BetsyEllen

Aidenbyname wrote: »

We're both very mature, level headed people

Actually OP, going by your actions along with your absolute shock at peoples reaction, you seem far from mature and level headed.

Level headed people do not rush into something as serious as marriage.
'I just want her to be my wife, I don't want to wait'
That is not level headed. At all.
It's being caught up in the honeymoon period of a new romance and whilst I don't doubt your love for her I do think you are both being naïve.

MeatTwoVeg

Have you even lived together as a couple? I'm assuming not.
Also, was there an element of excitement in keeping things secret and sneaking off together?
You need to slow things down and try being a regular couple before you get married. I can see why your friends and family are a bit shocked.
My advice would be to leave it until NYE next year. Ye're in no rush.

Rekop dog

Have you even thought through the practicalities of it all? I can only imagine the wedding day would seem extremely contrived, family/friends in the wedding party wouldn't have had anywhere near enough time to get to know you as a couple, so speeches would be very generalistic and lacking in genuine emotion. Is this the sort of wedding you want to give this girl?

Give others the time to catch up with the two of you, if you're planning (which you obviously are) on spending the rest of your life with this girl, postpone it for a year or so and give her a proper wedding that she'll look back on fondly in years to come.

Ursus Horribilis

The word thrill was mentioned and I think it's a very apt one. This whole thing reads like something straight out of a Mills & Boon or a Hollywood romcom. What you're describing has a genuine sense of unreality about it. Even down to this NYE wedding that you've pulled out of a hat like a rabbit. This story is long on impulse and excitement and short on practicalities and reality.

njs030

Is there a reason for the rush op? You've known her for years, great. You've only known her as a girlfriend for a few months though. Even then it's all been in secret so you don't know what the relationship is actually like in real life.
Most relationships are fabulous and amazing and wonderful at 5 months even when they haven't been hidden away, that's why it's called a honeymoon period!!

Stay engaged, be happy and loved up and let people see that. But don't rush into something that will take 4 years and thousands of Euro to untangle!!
BTW her reaction to you suggesting postponing the wedding will tell you alot about who she really is.

SarahMollie

OP - I'm just throwing this out there...

Its rare that there is consensus on this forum, but we have one here. Every poster thinks you're rushing unnecessarily.

Can we all be wrong?

leggo

Yeah OP. Your family have reacted badly, now a bunch of impartial strangers have reacted badly, maybe listen to reason here and trust that maybe, at 25, there are some things you don't know and this reaction may be for a reason?

The one thing I thought while reading your post was 'dramatic'. Like you had planned the whole announcement and wanted to add a punch to it by announcing the engagement as part of it. Essentially this has all been building up to a Facebook post you hoped would get all the likes. Marriages are kinda bigger than a Facebook post.

If you're REALLY immature, you'll react to all of this negativity by wanting to get married MORE to spite people with your happiness. That's not how mature people act.

If you're really there for life, and this isn't all just a bit of craic for the pair of you, there's no rush. You've literally got the rest of your lives together to do this stuff. Why do you need to do it now? What point are you trying to prove by getting engaged and married when you've been together less than a year? It sounds like you're over-compensating for something.

When you're with someone you meet the parents and they suss you out. You go on holidays and weekends away together to see if you can stand each other's company 24/7 for two weeks or if you fall apart. You have good times and bad times together and it's important you have bad times with the person to see how they work through them, as often THAT'S the teller in how compatible you are. You talk about the future and make a plan for it. Before the engagement you usually go through finances, see if you can afford a wedding, figure out where your careers are at and how you'll actually live your lives together. These things aren't just boring boxes to tick off a list. They happen for a reason. These things tell us if we'll last with a person long-term.

I was talking with a friend who's similarly swept up with a girl the other day and said to him that I don't even take a relationship seriously unless a person can tell me at least 5 things about the other person that wreck their head but they accept and kinda love anyway. Because that's the real truth of a relationship. Nobody is perfect, and it's great that you can see your partner as perfect and you shouldn't fight that feeling, but that's all your hormones messing with you because you're happy with your situation in life. In truth it's difficult to mash two random lives together and have it click on every level. There will be bits that don't click, simple stuff like "he likes to spend his Sunday's watching football on the couch, she likes to go out and do something fun", that isn't a problem per se, but you have to figure it out. And the only way to discover and figure out these little incompatibilities is to spend a lot of time with the person, like a few years. You simply can't discover it all in 6 months through secret weekends away. It's not possible. Not knowing you but reading your post alone, you haven't re-defined love and relationships here. Trust me on that. You haven't discovered a secret formula to making it work that nobody else knows. You're two people who just really like each other, same as any two people who really like each other, same as two people who used to really like each other but it didn't work out. The same rules apply to you.

Right now it's fun. And that's great. I love that part of a relationship. And there's no reason you two shouldn't enjoy it for all it's worth. But you're after adding a bit of craziness and spoiling it all with this wedding plan. You got carried away, and that's forgiveable. But I'd advise you to trust the process a bit and hold off the wedding plans. You don't have to cancel the engagement, just chill for a bit and do it right. Is she not worth the wait, after all?

Big Bag of Chips

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

I'd even argue you've only been a proper couple since the weekend when you told people and were able to be open about your relationship. Up to this point part of the thrill has been the secrecy

Great point.

Aidenbyname wrote: »

Because we we've been such great friends for years we wanted to keep things under wraps for a while to get used the idea ourselves and see how things went on without any big proclamations ... I proposed 2 weeks ago and we made the announcement last weekend that a) surprise we are together and b) can you keep nye free cos we're going to

So no big proclamations until it suited you. Honestly OP, I can completely see where your family is coming from, you're expecting them to go from 0 to 60 in seconds flat whereas you've taken all the time you needed to get to where you are. They'll forgive you eventually but you're coming across as very self-centred.

LegacyUser

[Deleted User] wrote: »

Great point.



So no big proclamations until it suited you. Honestly OP, I can completely see where your family is coming from, you're expecting them to go from 0 to 60 in seconds flat whereas you've taken all the time you needed to get to where you are. They'll forgive you eventually but you're coming across as very self-centred.

OP here....jeepers I can't really get over the negative response and it's definitely got me thinking.
We have plans for NYE, checked the legalities and the venue which is quite unique and all available. I suppose I thought everyone would be delighted as generally everyone is always asking us were we are couple etc so I potentially thought it all wouldn't come as a shock after that thought about it.
Living together is something we don't want to do for various reasons, we both believe in saving that for marriage.
The reason we didn't tell anyone wasn't of any malice, I do agree that potentially got caught up in the dramatic announcement, which in hindsight wasn't our greatest idea and needed to give people time to catch up.
We both know each other very well, have house shared in the past, travelled together, know we aren't perfect so whilst there is an element of honeymoon going on of course, I know this is it for us both.
Thanks for all the advice anyway....we'll have a chat about it this weekend and make a decision. I'm trying not to be a stubborn male about it!!

Aidenbyname

Deleted User wrote: »

Great point.



So no big proclamations until it suited you. Honestly OP, I can completely see where your family is coming from, you're expecting them to go from 0 to 60 in seconds flat whereas you've taken all the time you needed to get to where you are. They'll forgive you eventually but you're coming across as very self-centred.

Well I certainly didn't expect such a vehement response. It's definitely given us something to think about. We have looked into the practicalities, the venue and church we want are both available and we know the legalities. We are both no fuss people and so it would be a low key affair. We discussed the fact that it is relatively short notice and what that might mean in terms of people not being able to be there and so were somewhat prepared that there could be a choice there.
Honestly since we became friends 10 years ago, we are often asked if we are a couple, why are we not a couple so I think we thought people would be delighted. Living together before marriage is something neither of us want. I bought a house last year with my brother, who would move out when we get married (he's probably the only one okay with all of this)
There really was no malice in not telling people. We were both so nervous of screwing up our friendship at first that we thought lets not deal with everyone else.
We've been on holidays together, house shared, spent a lot of time together and know eachother warts and all so I don't think we are under any illusions of what we are getting into. I do accept that we are obviously still in a honeymoon phase.
Anyway, thanks for all the input, lots to mull over...trying to surpress my stubbornness by not just ploughing ahead regardless.

njs030

Aidenbyname wrote: »

Honestly since we became friends 10 years ago, we are often asked if we are a couple, why are we not a couple so I think we thought people would be delighted

Given the new information they probably would have been if you'd lead with ta-da we are together.....and left it at that for a month or so.

The engagement would probably have been greeted slightly better once people saw you together and got used to it.

Big Bag of Chips

It took you 5 months to get used to being a couple, and you were the ones privy to all the details. You're giving your families 4 months to get used to the idea of you being a married couple!! So, will your wife (!) buy your brother out of the mortgage? Will she pay rent to him? Does he realise that if you have children it will be classed as their family home, therefore giving your wife more right to stay living in it than him?! He's had 4 or 5 days to think about this and no legal advice. You might find his position changes with a bit of time.

There's an awful lot to practically work out. I honestly can't see what your rush is. If you get married this year or next, she'll still be your wife in 20 years time (hopefully!)

Aidenbyname

leggo wrote: »

Yeah OP. Your family have reacted badly, now a bunch of impartial strangers have reacted badly, maybe listen to reason here and trust that maybe, at 25, there are some things you don't know and this reaction may be for a reason?

The one thing I thought while reading your post was 'dramatic'. Like you had planned the whole announcement and wanted to add a punch to it by announcing the engagement as part of it. Essentially this has all been building up to a Facebook post you hoped would get all the likes. Marriages are kinda bigger than a Facebook post.

If you're REALLY immature, you'll react to all of this negativity by wanting to get married MORE to spite people with your happiness. That's not how mature people act.

If you're really there for life, and this isn't all just a bit of craic for the pair of you, there's no rush. You've literally got the rest of your lives together to do this stuff. Why do you need to do it now? What point are you trying to prove by getting engaged and married when you've been together less than a year? It sounds like you're over-compensating for something.

When you're with someone you meet the parents and they suss you out. You go on holidays and weekends away together to see if you can stand each other's company 24/7 for two weeks or if you fall apart. You have good times and bad times together and it's important you have bad times with the person to see how they work through them, as often THAT'S the teller in how compatible you are. You talk about the future and make a plan for it. Before the engagement you usually go through finances, see if you can afford a wedding, figure out where your careers are at and how you'll actually live your lives together. These things aren't just boring boxes to tick off a list. They happen for a reason. These things tell us if we'll last with a person long-term.

I was talking with a friend who's similarly swept up with a girl the other day and said to him that I don't even take a relationship seriously unless a person can tell me at least 5 things about the other person that wreck their head but they accept and kinda love anyway. Because that's the real truth of a relationship. Nobody is perfect, and it's great that you can see your partner as perfect and you shouldn't fight that feeling, but that's all your hormones messing with you because you're happy with your situation in life. In truth it's difficult to mash two random lives together and have it click on every level. There will be bits that don't click, simple stuff like "he likes to spend his Sunday's watching football on the couch, she likes to go out and do something fun", that isn't a problem per se, but you have to figure it out. And the only way to discover and figure out these little incompatibilities is to spend a lot of time with the person, like a few years. You simply can't discover it all in 6 months through secret weekends away. It's not possible. Not knowing you but reading your post alone, you haven't re-defined love and relationships here. Trust me on that. You haven't discovered a secret formula to making it work that nobody else knows. You're two people who just really like each other, same as any two people who really like each other, same as two people who used to really like each other but it didn't work out. The same rules apply to you.

Right now it's fun. And that's great. I love that part of a relationship. And there's no reason you two shouldn't enjoy it for all it's worth. But you're after adding a bit of craziness and spoiling it all with this wedding plan. You got carried away, and that's forgiveable. But I'd advise you to trust the process a bit and hold off the wedding plans. You don't have to cancel the engagement, just chill for a bit and do it right. Is she not worth the wait, after all?

Thanks for the post, I really do appreciate you talking so much sense, a lot of the stuff we have discussed. We've been close for a long time, obviously it's different as a couple rather than friends, but fundamentally things are the same.

cactusgal

Hi OP,

Just wondering two things:

1. Why do you not want to live together?
2. What is the reason for the rush?

Dial Hard

Aidenbyname wrote:

Living together before marriage is something neither of us want. I bought a house last year with my brother, who would move out when we get married .

You would be absolutely touched not to live together before you get married, OP. There's a world of difference between spending the odd weekend away with someone and living with them. You can't possibly know eachother warts and all until you live together.

Also, can you afford to buy your brother out of the house in four months time? Considered what happens if he decides actually he'd rather stay in his investment, thanks very much?

You really do sound incredibly naive. I was only with my boyfriend 8 months when we got engaged but it was another 2.5 years before we got married. I was 26 and he was 25 at that stage. And guess what? We're divorced.

BetsyEllen

Dial Hard wrote: »

You would be absolutely touched not to live together before you get married, OP. There's a world of difference between spending the odd weekend away with someone and living with them. You can't possibly know eachother warts and all until you live together.

Also, can you afford to buy your brother out of the house in four months time? Considered what happens if he decides actually he'd rather stay in his investment, thanks very much?

You really do sound incredibly naive. I was only with my boyfriend 8 months when we got engaged but it was another 2.5 years before we got married. I was 26 and he was 25 at that stage. And guess what? We're divorced.

I got married at 24 after a whirlwind romance.
I wouldn't have listened to anyone that said we were too young and to wait a while. I knew everything. I was convinced I was mature and level headed :rolleyes:

I'm now 29, separated and waiting to get divorced.

GingerLily

Why should your brother move out of his house because your decided to have a shot gun wedding? This is a family fued waiting to happen. Are you getting married to force him out? I guarantee someone will view it that way.

Meauldsegosha

Aidenbyname wrote: »

Living together before marriage is something neither of us want.

We've been on holidays together, house shared, ...

Have you house shared together or separately. If together, I really can't see a reason not to live together before marriage.

You only announced your engagement at the weekend and your brother has agreed to move out of the house but has he had a chance to consider the full consequences of his decision.

SusanC10

My Husband and I were friends for 2 years before we became a couple. Part of a wider group of college friends. When we did become a couple I told my closest friend and so did he (neither of those people were part of that group) but apart from that none of our mutual friends knew. We waited about a month before we told anyone else. So that we were sure that we were going to give the relationship a proper go. Some had guessed, some were surprised. But no negative reactions. We were both 28 and had previous LTRs with 2 other people in the group (who we told separately just before everyone else). Husband told his Dad that he was going to marry me after 2 months (I only found this out much much later). We moved in together in a house-share after 4 months and then got engaged after 1 year together. My parents were a little surprised it happened so fast but they liked him and so gave their blessing. We bought a house together 6 months into the engagement and 6 months after that we were married. We are married 11 years.

It was fast definitely but it worked out (so far!) But I am very glad that we lived together on our own before the wedding. It was definitely an adjustment although we had already been living together in the house-share and we had a lot of our serious conversations about life goals etc in the lead up to the house purchase.

Consider living together beforehand.

batmanrobin

As they say, OP, live with me and you'll know me. You are crazy to not want to live together first. Why don't you want to?

Also, did you discuss with your brother that he'd move out or are you just assuming? Are you planning on buying him out? What if he doesn't want to move out? If he's half the legal and beneficial owner you'll have a hard time getting him out.

So you discussed wedding practicalities but have you discussed marriage practicalities? Like children, do you both want them? If so, how many? How close or far apart? How do you want to raise them? Who's going to stay at home?

There is a lot to making a marriage work. A hell of a lot. You'll hear of some people making it work when they knew each other for a wet weekend, but these are the exceptions not the rule.

You might have been friends before hand but a relationship is a whole different dynamic. Having a friendship is a good base, definitely, but the longer you are together the more you'll see it takes more than that. Once the honeymoon period wears off you could be looking at this thing from a different perspective.

Stay engaged, but why not wait until NYE of 2017? You could save yourself a potential nightmare!

Neyite

What you are feeling is pretty standard in the first flush of a relationship. That loved up wanna-get-married feeling. It's biological and perfectly normal.

I'd highly recommend living together first. Trust a much older person on this, you only get to really know someone when you do. And with the right person, this knowledge of them only makes you fall deeper in love with them.

This has not been a 'real' relationship though. It's been to all intents and purposes, an illicit affair and fuelled by the drama and the secrecy of it all. You need to live in this real relationship now for a while both of you and see if it can stand the test of everyday ordinariness once the intrigue and drama are stripped away.

Aidenbyname

GingerLily wrote: »

Why should your brother move out of his house because your decided to have a shot gun wedding? This is a family fued waiting to happen. Are you getting married to force him out? I guarantee someone will view it that way.

I can assure you I'm not kicking my brother out. He is more than happy about the arrangements, his circumstances have changed with work and he will be going abroad next March for a time and so it lines up well for him. There is no hidden agenda here.

Aidenbyname

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

Have you house shared together or separately. If together, I really can't see a reason not to live together before marriage.

You only announced your engagement at the weekend and your brother has agreed to move out of the house but has he had a chance to consider the full consequences of his decision.

It was a house share separately situation. We don't want to live together as a couple before marriage. As I just replied to another poster, it lines up for my brother well as his circumstances with work are changing.

Ursus Horribilis

Why do you not want to live together? Religious purposes?

Aidenbyname

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Why do you not want to live together? Religious purposes?

Yes, I do realize that it's not the norm and not socially acceptable really, however it is something we are both in agreement on fully.

arayess

BetsyEllen wrote: »

I got married at 24 after a whirlwind romance.
I wouldn't have listened to anyone that said we were too young and to wait a while. I knew everything. I was convinced I was mature and level headed :rolleyes:

I'm now 29, separated and waiting to get divorced.

at least I'm not the only one..:pac:
I was you 12 years ago.....well probably your ex...

Big Bag of Chips

So is the rush to get married because you want to live together sooner? If you don't get married this year what happens when your brother moves out? If you do get married this year, what happens when your wife moves in?!

Meauldsegosha

Aidenbyname wrote: »

It was a house share separately situation. We don't want to live together as a couple before marriage. As I just replied to another poster, it lines up for my brother well as his circumstances with work are changing.

I understand he is moving abroad but has he considered the legal and financial situations. After your wife moves into the house it becomes the family home ans she attains certain rights after a specified period. Has your brother received advice on these type of issues?

Also until you live together as a couple you don't know each other "warts and all".

Ursus Horribilis

Aidenbyname wrote: »

Yes, I do realize that it's not the norm and not socially acceptable really, however it is something we are both in agreement on fully.

So I take it on your sneaky weekends away you slept in single beds and there was no hanky panky? :rolleyes:

Aidenbyname

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

So is the rush to get married because you want to live together sooner? If you don't get married this year what happens when your brother moves out? If you do get married this year, what happens when your wife moves in?!

I am sure there is an element of that, but on balance, no we just know we are meant to be and feel it's right. (I know everyone is thinking - shut up you naïve dope).

Ursus Horribilis

Aidenbyname wrote: »

I am sure there is an element of that, but on balance, no we just know we are meant to be and feel it's right. (I know everyone is thinking - shut up you naïve dope).

Yet your aversion to living together is driving this mad dash to the altar. It seems to be all or nothing with you. Something you might have a think about.

Aidenbyname

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

I understand he is moving abroad but has he considered the legal and financial situations. After your wife moves into the house it becomes the family home ans she attains certain rights after a specified period. Has your brother received advice on these type of issues?

Also until you live together as a couple you don't know each other "warts and all".

Yes we had a very robust conversation before we bought the house about lots of different scenarios. We will of course take legal advice about how best to structure it. I want what's best for us all, so definitely agree we have still a bit to iron out there.

Big Bag of Chips

You seem hell bent on it, OP, so good luck to you.

I hope it works out.

Aidenbyname

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Yet your aversion to living together is driving this mad dash to the altar. It seems to be all or nothing with you. Something you might have a think about.

It's not an aversion, it's a decision. I know that can be difficult for some to get their heads around. It's not all or nothing at all.

njs030

Aidenbyname wrote: »

Yes, I do realize that it's not the norm and not socially acceptable really, however it is something we are both in agreement on fully.

So you haven't had sex then? If living together is a problem sex must also be?

Meauldsegosha

Aidenbyname wrote: »

... and through a truck load of alcohol got together,

Aidenbyname (OP) wrote: »

we both believe in saving that for marriage.

If you got together while away for Paddys Day you didn't save it for marriage so there is no reason for not living together before hand.