paranoia

LegacyUser

Sorta starting seeing someone, he says he is not texing anyone else or talking to other women yet on whatsapp all the time. What I mean is, anytime I go to text him, he is there online.

Would you believe this or how do I overcome thinking he is. Thanks

LottieP25

Shur you're online just as much as him so if you are looking at him being online!!

Utdfan20titles

Your paranoid

Penny Tration

What's him being online lots got to do with other women though?

My messenger and WhatsApp frequently say I'm constantly online when I'm not.

Even when I AM online loads, it means I'm talking to family or friends. I mean, surely he has friends to talk to?


Being online a lot means absolutely nothing tbh.

tomwaterford

It might just be on in the background of his phone??


Either way....what deos it matter if he or not.....could be checking group chats,texting friend etc

DeltaWhite

Im one of those people on Whatsapp that types a text...... Walks off and leaves the phone still on and open in the message and forgets all about it. Looks like Im online all the time. Also how do you know he isn't on a whatsapp call?

Ursus Horribilis

Why does it have to be women he's texting? Has he got friends? Maybe his Whatsapp keeps him online all the time? Has he given you any other reasons to be suspicious?

What does "sort of seeing" mean? Is this paranoia coming from the feeling that he's keeping his options open and that this isn't going to turn into an actual relationship?

Merkin

Utdfan20titles wrote: »

Your paranoid

You've already been warned for dipping into random threads with absolutely nothing of worth to add. Don't post again.

LegacyUser

I am suspicious because of the times.
He could say goodnight.Then he be still on phone.
Yes, I'm guilty of checking.
Who is texting till 2/3 in morning!
He reassures/promises me know one else but I do wonder about this.

Only in the early stages.Perhaps he is keeping his options open but definitely tells me different.

I was half thinking of saying wow you were up late last night or something but prob best to leave it.

ManOfMystery

You're really overthinking this OP.

Let's say he goes to bed at 12, sends you a goodnight message, and you still see him as online 2hrs later. That does not necessarily mean he's sitting using Whatsapp. If it's running in the background of his phone, it will show as online. Even if he is, he could have trouble sleeping and could be texting friends on it.

You're in the early stages of a new relationship and this type of paranoid/obsessive thinking is something you need to nip in the bud before he decides you're too much like hard work already, and ends the whole thing. He doesn't owe you explanations as to why or why not he may be chatting to friends after telling you he's going to bed. Going to bed doesn't always mean going straight to sleep.

If he does something which provides you with more concrete evidence that he's up to no good, by all means call him out on it. But at the moment, he's done nothing to provoke your suspicion, has tried to reassure you and I think you need to cut him some slack here and take his word for it.

baby and crumble

verify12 wrote: »

I am suspicious because of the times.
He could say goodnight.Then he be still on phone.
Yes, I'm guilty of checking.
Who is texting till 2/3 in morning!
He reassures/promises me know one else but I do wonder about this.

Only in the early stages.Perhaps he is keeping his options open but definitely tells me different.

I was half thinking of saying wow you were up late last night or something but prob best to leave it.

Thing is with whatsapp you have to manually change the little "I am online!" message- mine's been the same for months. Do you mean the "last seen online" message that comes up under their name on a chat?

I'll be honest unless he is online and obviously ignoring your messages for days you have zero cause for alarm and even less cause to say anything about it. And like everyone else has said, Whatsapp isn't a dating app. It's a messaging app like text. In my Whatsapp I have conversations with my brothers, my Dad, a couple of different group chats, friends... And he may have friends in the US or AUS. I know when my mates were abroad the only chance I could get to talk to them was at bonkers times.

Seriously, relax. It means nothing except he has friends. That's a good thing.

Tilly

I'm on whatsapp all the time chatting in my friends/family group chat, my boyfriend in no way think's i'm chatting to other guys just cause i'm not chatting to him. Get these silly thoughts out of your head as they will totally ruin what you've got going on with him.

LegacyUser

ManOfMystery wrote: »

You're really overthinking this OP.

Let's say he goes to bed at 12, sends you a goodnight message, and you still see him as online 2hrs later. That does not necessarily mean he's sitting using Whatsapp. If it's running in the background of his phone, it will show as online. Even if he is, he could have trouble sleeping and could be texting friends on it.

You're in the early stages of a new relationship and this type of paranoid/obsessive thinking is something you need to nip in the bud before he decides you're too much like hard work already, and ends the whole thing. He doesn't owe you explanations as to why or why not he may be chatting to friends after telling you he's going to bed. Going to bed doesn't always mean going straight to sleep.

If he does something which provides you with more concrete evidence that he's up to no good, by all means call him out on it. But at the moment, he's done nothing to provoke your suspicion, has tried to reassure you and I think you need to cut him some slack here and take his word for it.

Of course I ruined it already this morning

batmanrobin

Have you been cheated on in the past, OP? It might be beneficial to get a handle on where these feelings of insecurity are coming from or it's going to ruin anything before it starts.

It's important to listen to your gut, but equally important to not let past issues cloud the present.

Ms Doubtfire1

One thing springs to mind is that imho you're taking this far too serious..if I get it correct you're just kinda sorta seeing someone..so you can expect for him to be online a lot.I would advise you to do the same-don't put all your eggs into one basket.see different people.:-)

dellas1979

verify12 wrote: »

Sorta starting seeing someone, he says he is not texing anyone else or talking to other women yet on whatsapp all the time. What I mean is, anytime I go to text him, he is there online.

Would you believe this or how do I overcome thinking he is. Thanks

Can you give us a general age (both early 20s?).

Or how ye met?

Could it just be an online thing?

njs030

Op change your whatsapp settings so you can't see his last online status before you drive yourself mad and ruin this before its begun!

LegacyUser

verify12 wrote: »

Sorta starting seeing someone, he says he is not texing anyone else or talking to other women yet on whatsapp all the time. What I mean is, anytime I go to text him, he is there online.

Would you believe this or how do I overcome thinking he is. Thanks

Seriously OP you need to calm down about this. According to my mother I'm always on whatsapp and she gets annoyed when she thinks I'm ignoring her but I actually haven't opened the app for months. But so what if he is up all hours talking to friends online? Is he not allowed have friends? I've often said I was going to bed and then will get a message from a friend and next thing I know its an hour later. I've a cousin in Australia who doesn't get time zones and messages me at all hours. I'm looking at my facebook messenger right now and it's giving me a list of friends it says are online but I know several are not. I'm not sure what to rec OP for this level of paranoia - maybe try and stay offline for a while or maybe your not ready for a relationship right now. Have you had a bad experience in the past that's making you this paranoid?

LegacyUser

Hi there,

remember that he could have it on his desktop on a laptop and be watching stuff on his computer... If he has a laptop he can access whatsapp and he'll appear online but not be anywhere near his phone.

Whatever it is, I know how that feels. It's too early days to say it to him. You could bring up sleeping next time.. ask him does he sleep well or whatever? But i think you ruined it, as you said, regardless?

LegacyUser

We are meeting tomorrow but things are different now. I brought it up before replies on this now diff vibe now of course. Whatever will be, will be now.

LegacyUser

I met him again anyway. Had to check his phone on date and openly admitted he used to be a player. Even walked me home. Pretty sure he wanted sex now. No texts then all wknd until the Sunday and then used some lame excuse about wanting different things and about that text I sent saying it could not be forgotton. To be fair, if he really genuinely like me that text would not made one bit of difference . I think he is definitely still a player no matter he says. Next!

leggo

That's grand and all, but OP seriously, filter the crazy here. We all get stupid, fleeting thoughts like this in the moment (I was only having a chat the other day about the worst part of a relationship being the very start when you're at the 'waiting on a text' stage and unsure what the story is so anxiety sets in) but you quiet them out, and certainly don't verbalise them, or you guarantee things go south.

I'll give you an example from my own life recently: I was on a dating app and saw a girl I've been texting online. This upset me a bit as I'd texted her about a half hour beforehand and gotten no reply. Then I thought, "wait you're on this because you're talking to someone else too!" A couple minutes later, she wrote back and we ended up talking all night. Grand.

People owe you nothing until you have a chat and agree to be exclusive. And it's okay to lie about seeing/texting others before this chat, IMO, because the question is unfair and the truth is upsetting to the person who asked, when really they just shouldn't have asked at all. You kinda have to play the field a bit these days in dating, for better or worse, because everyone is and it's healthy to keep your options open. But when you meet someone and have that mutual attraction the rest tend to disappear as time goes on. It's just part of being single now in 2016.

GritBiscuit

verify12 wrote: »

I met him again anyway. Had to check his phone on date and openly admitted he used to be a player. Even walked me home. Pretty sure he wanted sex now. No texts then all wknd until the Sunday and then used some lame excuse about wanting different things and about that text I sent saying it could not be forgotton. To be fair, if he really genuinely like me that text would not made one bit of difference . I think he is definitely still a player no matter he says. Next!

He might not be a player...unfortunately one of the least attractive traits in the universe is insecurity...and people do just have a sixth sense for neediness/paranoia/jealousy/etc.

All you can do in the future is to learn not to vocalise your insecurities, distract yourself by not treating anyone as exclusive before they have agreed to the same and find ways to boost your self confidence so you don't get overly concerned at how other people use social media apps.

Onwards and upwards!

njs030

verify12 wrote: »

I met him again anyway. Had to check his phone on date and openly admitted he used to be a player. Even walked me home. Pretty sure he wanted sex now. No texts then all wknd until the Sunday and then used some lame excuse about wanting different things and about that text I sent saying it could not be forgotton. To be fair, if he really genuinely like me that text would not made one bit of difference . I think he is definitely still a player no matter he says. Next!

I think you're kidding yourself here op. I'm saying it because I think you could go and do the same thing again as you don't seem to realise why what you did was wrong and why you need to make sure it doesn't happen again.

Look at it from his point of view, it's very early days but your already asking him if he's talking to/seeing other women and making it known your checking how often he's on whatsapp. It wasn't the text that put him off, it was that you were watching him and he didn't want a relationship with someone who would act like that.
No one else will either so take it as a warning!

Show him the best side of you so he wants to be with YOU and forgets any other girls, be fun, interesting, intelligent, sexy, happy etc.
That's how you get rid of the competition op

Penny Tration

Hey OP.

I'm sorry things didn't work out.

I have to be honest about something though, and I'm saying it to help, not to hurt you.

You say that if he really liked you, the text wouldn't have made a difference - that's just not true.


I've been in his position several years back, dating a lovely guy, but he texted me something similar when I'd been too busy to talk to him. I did the same, saw him again, realised it wasn't for me and ended it.


This isn't his fault for not liking you enough. I'm sure you're an absolutely lovely lady, but what you did is something that makes men and women immediately think "nope, she/he's crazy, feck that, insecure already!"


It's not normal behaviour in adult dating tbh, and i think you need to realise that instead of saying if he liked you, it wouldn't matter.


You can like someone very much but realise their behaviour isn't something you're willing to accept.



I'm sorry that it ended though. With the next man, chill a little, enjoy it and see how it goes, no pressure. Best of luck

batmanrobin

One thing I would add is that it's pointless to show your best side if underneath it all is a boiling mass of insecurity. That's gonna come to the surface at some point.

Get to the root of what causes the insecurity and sort that first. Do this for you rather than the end game being getting a guy.

njs030

batmanrobin wrote: »

One thing I would add is that it's pointless to show your best side if underneath it all is a boiling mass of insecurity. That's gonna come to the surface at some point.

Get to the root of what causes the insecurity and sort that first. Do this for you rather than the end game being getting a guy.

We can all be a little insecure in the early days or when things aren't going the way we hope, that's not unique to the op.

Making an effort to be the best part of ourselves will usually have the effect of both boosting our own confidence and making others want to be around us. Though yes if you're generally an insecure person work out why and deal with it.

kylith

I have to be honest here OP. if I was just started kinda seeing someone and they were giving me flak about being on Whatsapp but not talking to them and wanting to know who I was texting my Controlling Nutter alarm would be going mad and I'd be asking myself what they'd be like 6 months or a year down the road if they were like that before we were officially dating.

I'm not usually one to jump to telling people to get counselling but I really think it would help you to talk to someone so that you can recognise why you behave like that toward someone you barely know and so you can be more relaxed in future.

LegacyUser

Thanks guys.
Yeah, ye are right .I need to chill next time and not get too invested and not ask questions about whatsapp etc.
I know it's not an attractive quality in me.

LegacyUser

To be honest, I always do this. I overthink and then text exactly what I am thinking when I should not do that!

Off dating websites now and just going to concentrate on getting fit etc and then go back with a level head:)

Tasden

verify12 wrote: »

To be honest, I always do this. I overthink and then text exactly what I am thinking when I should not do that!

Off dating websites now and just going to concentrate on getting fit etc and then go back with a level head:)

Honestly if you're getting annoyed about something and your first thought is to immediately take out the phone and confront them you need to just take a step back. By all means write out what you're feeling but don't send it. If in doubt do nothing. Wait it out and see how you feel after a day or so. If you still feel angry ask a friend for advice. Don't just let rip at the guy every time you're annoyed or feeling insecure about something cause chances are it's actually your issue not his and if you give it time and think it through properly you'll realise this yourself. When you're angry you just see red and act on that and then when the anger subsides logic kicks in and you realise the real seasons behind things. So in future just wait a while for that logic to kick in before you go texting him.

gline

verify12 wrote: »

To be honest, I always do this. I overthink and then text exactly what I am thinking when I should not do that!

Off dating websites now and just going to concentrate on getting fit etc and then go back with a level head:)

If you always do the same actions, it might be worth getting some help addresing the insecurities e.g counselling etc, before subjecting others to this behaviour. It will keep repeating until dealt with correctly.

LegacyUser

I do need to see someone as met someone I really,really liked a while back and there was no denying he liked me until I did the usual.That's my biggest regret losing him.Had been dating for 3.5 years on and off and no one came close to him.
I knew from the beginning of texting him and meeting him for the first time that we would get on and we did.:(

Anyway upwards and onwards