Family Wedding Hassle Please Advice

mrsbarnacles

Wondering if you could give me your opinion on this. From a family of 3, all siblings have children, the last of us is getting married. I discovered 2 days ago by a slip of the tongue by 1 of my parents that all children except for mine are flower girls or page boys for the wedding and are being suited accordingly. Its less that 3 weeks to wedding and today my sibling who is getting married texts me asking me to do a reading I replied saying thank you for the offer if a little late but that if my sibling and partner wanted me to do it I would be happy to, two mins later I got a text back Late notice? You have 3 Weeks!!! If you dont want to do it do a prayer of faithful instead. Needless to say I feel that my sibling has been put under pressure to do this from my parents and doesnt want me or my family part of their wedding which I understand I have to accept. However not sure how to reply. I would like to point out this is not the first time ive been excluded but excluding my children is a different matter, one of which is my siblings Godchild. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks

Hrududu

My advice is to do the reading and enjoy the day

fuzzycycle

My advise would be to thank your sister for asking I to do reading & do it & not be one of these ppl we all give out about causing stress at family weddings. Maybe she is t ask u or ur children to be part of wedding party because she simply doesn't feel that close To you? No harm done, just a reality of life?

matrim

mrsbarnacles wrote: »

Wondering if you could give me your opinion on this. From a family of 3, all siblings have children, the last of us is getting married. I discovered 2 days ago by a slip of the tongue by 1 of my parents that all children except for mine are flower girls or page boys for the wedding and are being suited accordingly. Its less that 3 weeks to wedding and today my sibling who is getting married texts me asking me to do a reading I replied saying thank you for the offer if a little late but that if my sibling and partner wanted me to do it I would be happy to, two mins later I got a text back Late notice? You have 3 Weeks!!! If you dont want to do it do a prayer of faithful instead. Needless to say I feel that my sibling has been put under pressure to do this from my parents and doesnt want me or my family part of their wedding which I understand I have to accept. However not sure how to reply. I would like to point out this is not the first time ive been excluded but excluding my children is a different matter, one of which is my siblings Godchild. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks

If it wasn't for the kids thing and you were asked to do the reading what would you have said? 3 weeks send plenty of notice to be asked.

Also what age are the kids and how many are there? It could easily be that yours are too old or they didn't want any but were guilted into it by other siblings

fuzzycycle

You are obviously not that close if u just found out by slip of the younger that ur siblings children are part of wedding party... If you were close you would know this so why think she would just include u, is it just for sale of it? I don't understand?

Sam Kade

Op, stop bickering and carry on like nothing happened.

machiavellianme

matrim wrote: »

If it wasn't for the kids thing and you were asked to do the reading what would you have said? 3 weeks send plenty of notice to be asked.

Also what age are the kids and how many are there? It could easily be that yours are too old or they didn't want any but were guilted into it by other siblings

Exactly as the other posters have said. There's no issue here, stop creating one. Do the reading enjoy the day and cut your sibling a break. There's lots of little pressures in the lead up to a wedding. Sometimes little things get overlooked. My sis got married a few weeks ago, she asked 4 days before if I'd do a reading (only remembered when it came to printing the booklet) and naturally I was honoured to accept and be part of the day. Do likewise and have a blast.

Elliott S

OP, maybe they just didn't want a gaggle of flower girls and pages boys? The more children involved in the ceremony, the harder they all are to organise and direct!

mrsbarnacles

My children are 3 and 7 same ages as all other children. I did feel close to this sibling otherwise I would not have asked them to be a Godparent to one of my children. I was informed only 1 child apart from their own was involved in the wedding but discovered by accident that this is not the case. Thank you for your advise.

Honestly it's her wedding, not yours. Accept the reading graciously and have a nice time

fuzzycycle

I think we have all seen this a million times before & never ceases to amaze me!

Addle

mrsbarnacles wrote: »

My children are 3 and 7 same ages as all other children. I did feel close to this sibling otherwise I would not have asked them to be a Godparent to one of my children. I was informed only 1 child apart from their own was involved in the wedding but discovered by accident that this is not the case. Thank you for your advise.

Then why didn't you ask your sibling about it before?
If you thought your kids would have been involved, did you not wonder about their attire for the big day???

It's also my opinion that you should let it go.

TOEJOE

Hrududu wrote: »

My advice is to do the reading and enjoy the day

Agree totally there is too many issues in some family's move on and enjoy the wedding.Keep your friendship with your sister.

Loveinapril

Your sibling can do whatever they want, it's their wedding. Stop looking for reasons to be outraged. Adding two more kids to the wedding party would be added expense/ hassle. It is their choice what they do, and if they don't want your kids as part of the ceremony, then they have that right.

jlm29

Three weeks is ample notice for a reading. theres no family wedding hassle other than that which you are creating. Every child can't be included. Some weddings turn into awful circuses because there's so many children involved in the bridal party.
You should do the reading, and enjoy the day. Too many families fall out over silly little things, life's too short!

Aineoil

I know it's hurtful when your own children aren't involved and the children of your siblings are. It happened to me with one of my sisters.

Our family were not allowed to be involved in my sister's wedding in any way. At the wedding reception some one asked me if I was work colleague. They were a little surprised when I said I was her sister.

My advice is to hold your counsel, attend the wedding and do the reading or prayer of the faithful. After the wedding, when the dust settles there may or be not regrets on some sides - your sibling, your parents?

But you will come out having held your head up high.

If you make an issue out of it down the line you might be accused of ruining the wedding.

livedadream

mrsbarnacles wrote: »

Wondering if you could give me your opinion on this. From a family of 3, all siblings have children, the last of us is getting married. I discovered 2 days ago by a slip of the tongue by 1 of my parents that all children except for mine are flower girls or page boys for the wedding and are being suited accordingly. Its less that 3 weeks to wedding and today my sibling who is getting married texts me asking me to do a reading I replied saying thank you for the offer if a little late but that if my sibling and partner wanted me to do it I would be happy to, two mins later I got a text back Late notice? You have 3 Weeks!!! If you dont want to do it do a prayer of faithful instead. Needless to say I feel that my sibling has been put under pressure to do this from my parents and doesnt want me or my family part of their wedding which I understand I have to accept. However not sure how to reply. I would like to point out this is not the first time ive been excluded but excluding my children is a different matter, one of which is my siblings Godchild. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Many thanks

jesus my brother told me two days before his wedding i was doing a reading, whats the problem its not like you have to learn to read in three weeks, do the reading if you want but i dont see this as being a big deal... the text you sent back was a bit rude, wedding planning is stressful and people tend to over think things, and try to involve people so they dont get offended, you were involved and got offended your sister is more than likely wondering what shes done wrong.
there are a hundred reasons she might not have picked your kids to be involved, just ask her.

Clearlier

I'd apologise for the snippy initial response and say that you'd be delighted to do the reading. I'd also ask if there was anything else you could do to help and if there is to do it as well as you possibly can and with good grace.

Sam Kade

livedadream wrote: »

jesus my brother told me two days before his wedding i was doing a reading, whats the problem its not like you have to learn to read in three weeks, do the reading if you want but i dont see this as being a big deal...
there are a hundred reasons she might not have picked your kids to be involved, just ask her.

Regarding the other thread, it's Stephen Fry

livedadream

Sam Kade wrote: »

Regarding the other thread, it's Stephen Fry

Thanks Sam! i still dont get it but im sure its refering to the interview he gave?

Sam Kade

livedadream wrote: »

Thanks Sam! i still dont get it but im sure its refering to the interview he gave?

Bingo!

fits

And this is why we decided to have no flower girls or page boys. Each one of them we would have had to pay to have them kitted out, and there is no way we could have got away with picking some and not others without some complaints. (There are 14 in total HA!).

Accept her request graciously and leave the flower girl page boy thing go.

judeboy101

Screw the reading. If my sibling picked her other nieces/nephews to be part and ignored mine, that's her choice. But its also your choice to politely text her and say you just realized you've booked yourself a colonoscopy that day and won't be able to attend. You'll save a fortune in Xmas and birthday presents going forward.

December2012

You are the one causing the problem.

So what if your nieces and nephews are involved in the ceremony and your children? Really, so what?

If you're as close as you say you are, then why did you send back a snippy text?

BettePorter

Op what would you have been contented with? Her to ask your kids and not certain nieces and nephews? ALL children being asked?

She realistically probably would choose to have no kids involved in the wedding party but is trying to be fair to all. So you got the reading ( in ample time tbf) . In the greater scheme of things is it really that big a deal? Its their day...... don't be the bitter sis with the face on! See the innocence in what she's suggested.

Clarence Worley

So. There's three siblings, of which you're one. The bride or groom being the other.

That means that aside from the bride and groom's own child, there's only one sibling whose children are part of the wedding party.

That's a bit less dramatic than you tried to make out.

You say you knew that one of the nieces and nephews was going to be involved, and by your earlier post saying that they're the same age as your children, it would imply that there are now two involved. I'd take a stab that one of those two children was asked and there was pressure put on them not to leave out the brother/sister.

You cannot count their own child in this "ALL the other children" thing, of course their own child was going to be part of it.

As for the reading, 3 weeks is so much time, I agree with the poster that said you should apologise for sniping and accept graciously the offer of doing the reading and remember whose wedding this is.

Aineoil

This will be an unpopular post.

I don't like weddings. I try not to attend them. Apart from the expense involved the tension they create is well avoided.

Elliott S

judeboy101 wrote: »

Screw the reading. If my sibling picked her other nieces/nephews to be part and ignored mine, that's her choice. But its also your choice to politely text her and say you just realized you've booked yourself a colonoscopy that day and won't be able to attend. You'll save a fortune in Xmas and birthday presents going forward.

Ridiculous post.

Sam Kade

Elliott S wrote: »

Ridiculous post.

It's obviously a joke

Gatica

mrsbarnacles wrote: »

From a family of 3, all siblings have children, the last of us is getting married. I discovered 2 days ago by a slip of the tongue by 1 of my parents that all children except for mine are flower girls or page boys for the wedding and are being suited accordingly.

Clarence Worley wrote: »

So. There's three siblings, of which you're one. The bride or groom being the other.

That means that aside from the bride and groom's own child, there's only one sibling whose children are part of the wedding party.

This was gonna be my point exactly. There's only 3 of you in total. So when you say all children, while it sounds like the kids of all the other siblings of the the bride, in actual fact it's children of one other sibling only. If there were 3 of you in the family, it's quite possible the bride was just a little bit closer/more comfortable with their other sibling, that's not unusual. Are they closer in age? Have similar interests/sense of humour, etc? It's not 5 siblings ganging up against one. It's just 2 being a little closer, that's all. I'm sorry that if feels hurtful to you to be that 3rd wheel sibling, but it does happen. It's not usually negative feelings towards the other sibling, just that the other two are closer. Try to see it in perspective.

If it really bothers you that much that your sister is godmother and didn't include her godchild in the ceremony then just talk to her next time you're over having a cup of tea. If you're close as you say you are, then I presume you must see each other somewhat frequently. Just casually mention that you found out from your parent that your other sibling's kids got to be pageboys/flowergirls and felt a little hurt that her godchild wasn't, but don't make it into a big deal that they feel they have to involve your kids now; cos if they did because of that, it could make them bitter for having to change their plans and you - feel like you were being placated. Don't be confrontational but in a family you should be able to air out misunderstandings or hurt feelings.

mrsbarnacles wrote: »

Its less that 3 weeks to wedding and today my sibling who is getting married texts me asking me to do a reading I replied saying thank you for the offer if a little late but that if my sibling and partner wanted me to do it I would be happy to, two mins later I got a text back Late notice? You have 3 Weeks!!! If you dont want to do it do a prayer of faithful instead. Needless to say I feel that my sibling has been put under pressure to do this from my parents and doesnt want me or my family part of their wedding which I understand I have to accept. However not sure how to reply. I would like to point out this is not the first time ive been excluded but excluding my children is a different matter, one of which is my siblings Godchild.

Well, 3 weeks seems like lots of notice to practice what will be no more than a paragraph. If you have been excluded before, as I said, it's likely that the other two are just closer. Not unusual, try to see it for what it is and not take it too close to heart. It's hurtful not to be the one, but c'est la vie. You probably have friends that you're closer to than them or are really involved in your own family already.

Mainly though, don't burn bridges and don't make it hard on your sister, you'll probably regret that more.

Gatica

Aineoil wrote: »

I don't like weddings. I try not to attend them.

Maybe the wedding forum isn't for you then. unless you're a masochist .. free to read what you like of course, but just, what's the point then?

hotmatottie10

From a practical point of view, maybe they simply cannot afford to attire all the nieces and nephews with dresses and outfits. Maybe they simply want to make it simple. Some children prefer the support of a sibling and thats why those children were picked. Its their day, cut them some slack. If your offended by peoples choices be offended for a moment and reflect on all the decisions you had to make at your own wedding. They havent excluded your children from coming so i really dont think its an issue. Do the reading and relax and enjoy it.

Walter H Price

sorry OP but its there day not yours.

Your only job is to show up smile and have as much or little involvement as the couple ask you to have , eat your meal and enjoy the day.

3 weeks isn't short notice for a reading tbh , i was asked to do one on the day at a friends wedding because the brides cousin that was meant to do it was ill and i'm a fairly decent public speaker.

Don't be that family member that creates drama out of nothing, it's not cool and your sibling wont thank you for it.

leanonme

I know you might be hurt, but you have to look at the big picture. Maybe there are also children on the other side of the family which could be asked also, so if they ask your children then they might have to ask the other side also etc.

If you dont want to do the reason you dont have too, but i think the three weeks notice is pretty normal.

Rose35

I can understand you are hurt i would be too. Awful to exclude two children from the wedding party, what was she thinking!!
Try and enjoy the day and do the reading but yes better to not have any at all then to leave some out, my opinion.

Loveinapril

Rose35 wrote: »

I can understand you are hurt i would be too. Awful to exclude two children from the wedding party, what was she thinking!!
Try and enjoy the day and do the reading but yes better to not have any at all then to leave some out, my opinion.

How is it awful? The bride and groom are including their child/ children and one of their siblings child/ children. They are probably closer to the other sibling seen as the OP only found out the details through their parents 3 weeks before the day.

Weddings are personal and expensive. The couple can do what they want!

Walter H Price

Loveinapril wrote: »

How is it awful? The bride and groom are including their child/ children and one of their siblings child/ children. They are probably closer to the other sibling seen as the OP only found out the details through their parents 3 weeks before the day.

Weddings are personal and expensive. The couple can do what they want!

totally agree cant see how its awful at all we have 1 page boy and 1 flower girl from mine and OH's cousins , nices, nephews ,kids friends etc involved in the wedding the rest under 18 wont even be invited due to restriction on numbers and because neither of us agree with kids being at events like that after 9:30 or whatever the usual pub cut off is.

LynnGrace

Aineoil wrote: »

I know it's hurtful when your own children aren't involved and the children of your siblings are. It happened to me with one of my sisters.

Our family were not allowed to be involved in my sister's wedding in any way. At the wedding reception some one asked me if I was work colleague. They were a little surprised when I said I was her sister.

My advice is to hold your counsel, attend the wedding and do the reading or prayer of the faithful. After the wedding, when the dust settles there may or be not regrets on some sides - your sibling, your parents?

But you will come out having held your head up high.

If you make an issue out of it down the line you might be accused of ruining the wedding.

+1 to this.
Accept the invitation to do the reading.
Don't be the one creating hassle of any sort. Be able to hold your head high afterwards and know that you didn't do anything to make the day uncomfortable for your family.

fret_wimp2

Weddings are stressful to organize. Decisions are made to reduce complexity/cost etc which make sense but may cause offence.
In our case we wanted a small wedding, less than 50 people.
If we invited aunts/uncles & first cousins we would have had 250+ people present. Too many, but we also couldnt just bring one or two cousins, so we made an executive decision and had only immediate family and a few friends.

Most of my extended family were completely understanding, some were very bitter & there is still animosity years later because of it.

Do i regret the decision, yes.
Would i make the same decision again, yes. It had to be done.

It was our wedding, we wanted it a certain way (small, affordable, intimate) and we got that.

Let your family have whatever wedding they want, and make whatever choices they like. It doesnt have a massive bearing on you either way so just get over it.

Elliott S

Sam Kade wrote: »

It's obviously a joke

Hope so!

Rose35

Loveinapril wrote: »

How is it awful? The bride and groom are including their child/ children and one of their siblings child/ children. They are probably closer to the other sibling seen as the OP only found out the details through their parents 3 weeks before the day.

Weddings are personal and expensive. The couple can do what they want!

The OP'S children are left out, how do you think they are going to feel on the day. I know how expensive weddings are I got married recently and decided to have our son only as our ring bearer so no felt they were going to be left out either that or have 7 children involved in the wedding!!!!!!!!!!!!. I would feel more hurt for my child then for myself if I was in the OP's shoes.

eviltwin

It's a good lesson for the kids that they can't always be a part of something just because other people are. It's only a wedding and not worth falling out over. Just do the reading and try and enjoy the day.

mrsbarnacles

mrsbarnacles wrote: »

I replied saying thank you for the offer if a little late but that if my sibling and partner wanted me to do it I would be happy to

Eugh, so passive aggressive.

I have different relationships with my nieces and nephews and I don't know how that would play out at my wedding (if at all) but I wouldn't feel obliged to do anything I didn't want to, just because one of my sisters assumes it's all or nothing.

Have you thought about WHY your sister told you one thing but did another? Do you think this may have had anything to do with YOU?

Turtle_

Rose35 wrote: »

The OP'S children are left out, how do you think they are going to feel on the day. I know how expensive weddings are I got married recently and decided to have our son only as our ring bearer so no felt they were going to be left out either that or have 7 children involved in the wedding!!!!!!!!!!!!. I would feel more hurt for my child then for myself if I was in the OP's shoes.

Yeah see this is how I would see it too.

OP now has to explain to her kids (who are probably too young to understand) why all their cousins get a role and they don't.

I can understand why the OP is upset, her children have been excluded.

I'd still be inclined to apologise for your snippy responses though, OP. And if it's still bothering you, then say "I'm sorry, I was still just hurt for the kids that they aren't getting to be a part and will be watching all their cousins having a part. It's not a problem though, I'm fine with it and I get it - I understand how expensive it is and it can turn into a zoo with loads of kids involved, I just hadn't had a chance to get over it when you called because I'd only just heard".

Unless your kids were involved in a previous wedding and your non-bride sister's weren't?

To be fair, it actually seems ridiculous that a grown adult didn't think of the fact that they were leaving out just 2 kids and including everyone else (because that's how kids will see it). Their relationship with each sibling doesn't really come into it if they're close with both but slightly closer with one.

ETA: FWIW, if I was involving some kids but not the others I'd at least have the courtesy to approach the "left-out" sibling and say "I just can't have X many kids involved so we put all the kids' names into a hat and Y and Z came out, but I want you to know we weren't deliberately leaving your kids out, and we'd like for them to do X instead". X can be anything with young kids - hand out confetti, do a prayer of the faithful if old enough, anything really that involves them!.

GingerLily

We're not having flower girls/ page boys to avoid this drama.
We've 6 nieces and nephews between us and it's just not worth the offending anyone, my nieces will be disappointed because they want to be flowergirls but they won't even notice in the day, they'll get plenty of attention from all out friends and family.
I've read enough of these threads on boards and heard enough stories from bride's/grooms to know that parents cause drama when their children aren't afforded the opportunity to be centre of attention, it's never the children always the parents

razorblunt

3 weeks! I don't think I've been afforded that luxury, on the last two occasions I was asked to do a reading I was collared on the way into the church for it.
Of course I accepted and thanked them for making me part of their day.

rainbowtrout

Turtle_ wrote: »

Yeah see this is how I would see it too.

OP now has to explain to her kids (who are probably too young to understand) why all their cousins get a role and they don't.

I can understand why the OP is upset, her children have been excluded.

I'd still be inclined to apologise for your snippy responses though, OP. And if it's still bothering you, then say "I'm sorry, I was still just hurt for the kids that they aren't getting to be a part and will be watching all their cousins having a part. It's not a problem though, I'm fine with it and I get it - I understand how expensive it is and it can turn into a zoo with loads of kids involved, I just hadn't had a chance to get over it when you called because I'd only just heard".

Unless your kids were involved in a previous wedding and your non-bride sister's weren't?

To be fair, it actually seems ridiculous that a grown adult didn't think of the fact that they were leaving out just 2 kids and including everyone else (because that's how kids will see it). Their relationship with each sibling doesn't really come into it if they're close with both but slightly closer with one.

I don't think the vast majority of kids give a shit about being part of the wedding party. It's always the parents that get their noses out of joint if their precious snowflake isn't a pageboy or flowergirl. Most small kids wouldn't know the difference whether they were part of it or not if they were there and wearing some nice clothes for the day. Parents create these dramas not kids. If kids are upset it's because parents fed them the information in that manner.

Turtle_

rainbowtrout wrote: »

I don't think the vast majority of kids give a shit about being part of the wedding party. It's always the parents that get their noses out of joint if their precious snowflake isn't a pageboy or flowergirl. Most small kids wouldn't know the difference whether they were part of it or not if they were there and wearing some nice clothes for the day. Parents create these dramas not kids. If kids are upset it's because parents fed them the information in that manner.

I'd have noticed. A lot of kids would. A toddler? Nah, but a child 5+ would.

harr

razorblunt wrote: »

3 weeks! I don't think I've been afforded that luxury, on the last two occasions I was asked to do a reading I was collared on the way into the church for it.
Of course I accepted and thanked them for making me part of their day.

Same as that from both family and friends...just handed the prayer when I got to church,normally from the groom who forgot to ask someone.
As mentioned most younger kids wouldn't care about being part of the wedding it's normally the parents you get the hump.

freshpopcorn

I was at a cousins wedding before and started flicking through the list booklet and I found out I was doing a prayer of the faithful.
I'd just do the reading/prayer of the faithful!

quickbeam

Going against the grain here and will probably be slaughtered for it, but what the hell!

I'd have sympathy wth the OP in this one. Maybe I misunderstood but it seems like the OP was asked to do the reading only because the parent let slip about the other sibling's children being involved and the OP's not, and the bride wanted to not come across as the bad guy, and make the offer of the reading to the OP before the OP complained about the flower girl/page boy situation. If that's the case, then I'd be quite hurt too, as it would add insult to injury. Especially if this isn't the first time she's been excluded.

I don't think the OP is actually bothered by the notice she was given, she was merely saying that that's what she responded to the bride with. I think her real problem is the way the reading was given as a "consolation prize". Yes, the OP probably should have answered the original text differently, but what's done is done now.

OP, I guess you need to suck it up, so as not to make an enemy of the whole family, and be accused of ruining the wedding. Do the reading, and try your best to forget about it, chalk it up to experience. But don't go too far out of your way for your sibling doing favours for them in future.