A bit worried about my parents

Snookercues

Hi everyone,

Not too sure if this is the right forum, but here goes anyway.

My parents are in their late 60s/early 70s, and would always have been reasonably religious when we were growing up i.e. went to mass on Sundays, holy pictures in the house etc etc.

I am finding lately that they are becoming (and honestly, this is only MY opinion), slightly "obsessed" with religion. They go to mass every evening (in fact my dad also goes a lot of mornings too), and on Sundays. In addition, they go to these "Private prayer with Jesus" things on one evening a week, which I think is like private quiet prayer time. They also go regularly to Novenas (on the week nights that they don't go to normal mass). They have multiple prayer books etc etc by their bed and are actively involved in the church by being Eucharistic ministers, on the parochial council etc.

I completely understand that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, but I am just becoming slightly concerned that they are almost treating their religion as the only thing in their life - they have no active social life or outside friends worth talking about, and I feel that this amount of devotion is a substitute for an emptiness in their lives.

Am I over-reacting? Perhaps this is worth mentioning - I am firmly convinced that my Dad may be gay and my mother may be aware of it (although I am not sure if they every spoke about it between themselves - they certainly have never mentioned it to me or my siblings). Is it possible that they are in some way "trying to make amends" for this? I personally have no issue with being gay, but to put in context, my brother came out a few years ago, and my parents didn't react well at all - in fact their first port of call for advice was the priest...

I just feel like I can't talk to them as they shut everyone else out about this, but I just don't want to see the last few years of their lives being spent knee deep in religion - i would love them to have more to their lives!

thanks - this was long-winded!

beach_walker

Well nothing you posted sounds extreme to me. Daily Mass, involvement with the parish and community and studying their faith. Why don't you consider the various activities you list them taking part in, as part of their social lives? I'd be extremely surprised if they didn't have friends in the parish/church-community given the level of involvement.

Tbh (and I only to go on what you posted) seems the problem is with you rather than them.

I just don't want to see the last few years of their lives being spent knee deep in religion - i would love them to have more to their lives!

sbsquarepants

I don't mean to be crude but I think what's happening here is fairly obvious.
The closer they get to dying the more worried they are about what happens next - they're simply trying to ensure passage through the pearly gates. I've seen it happen heaps of times.
Once they're happy, what's the problem really? I personally view it as a total waste, but what's ones mans waste is another mans treasure.

intheclouds

If they are happy and not harming anyone then I dont see what the problem is.

Im sure it is a delusion and if the belief was something OTHER than religion then doctors etc would be involved. But faith for some reason is seen as a legitimate mental condition so as long as they are happy I would leave well enough alone.

beach_walker

intheclouds wrote: »

Im sure it is a delusion and if the belief was something OTHER than religion then doctors etc would be involved. But faith for some reason is seen as a legitimate mental condition

Are you by any chance the lead guitarist for U2?

eviltwin

The church is often a social outlet for a lot of older people as well as a place of prayer. It could be that going to all these events is actually how they get to meet people. Unless there are obvious mental health issues that make them vulnerable I'd leave them to it. Maybe have a chat with the parish priest if you have concerns? He may be aware of the motives behind it and might be able to give you some insight.

intheclouds

beach_walker wrote: »

Are you by any chance the lead guitarist for U2?

No - but if I genuinely believed I was I would be seen by a psychiatrist. However, if I genuinely believe in an all knowing all powerful supernatural entity - thats ok.

beach_walker

intheclouds wrote: »

No

Really? I haven't seen so much Edge since Croke Park '09 *ba-dum-ish*

Jacxel

If I actually believed in a hell I'd be doing everything I could to avoid it too.

If you think it's having a negative impact on their lives then its up to you to talk to them about it. I would with my parents, not that I think it would be very fruitful.

deadanonymau5

Snookercues wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Not too sure if this is the right forum, but here goes anyway.

My parents are in their late 60s/early 70s, and would always have been reasonably religious when we were growing up i.e. went to mass on Sundays, holy pictures in the house etc etc.

I am finding lately that they are becoming (and honestly, this is only MY opinion), slightly "obsessed" with religion. They go to mass every evening (in fact my dad also goes a lot of mornings too), and on Sundays. In addition, they go to these "Private prayer with Jesus" things on one evening a week, which I think is like private quiet prayer time. They also go regularly to Novenas (on the week nights that they don't go to normal mass). They have multiple prayer books etc etc by their bed and are actively involved in the church by being Eucharistic ministers, on the parochial council etc.

I completely understand that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, but I am just becoming slightly concerned that they are almost treating their religion as the only thing in their life - they have no active social life or outside friends worth talking about, and I feel that this amount of devotion is a substitute for an emptiness in their lives.

Am I over-reacting? Perhaps this is worth mentioning - I am firmly convinced that my Dad may be gay and my mother may be aware of it (although I am not sure if they every spoke about it between themselves - they certainly have never mentioned it to me or my siblings). Is it possible that they are in some way "trying to make amends" for this? I personally have no issue with being gay, but to put in context, my brother came out a few years ago, and my parents didn't react well at all - in fact their first port of call for advice was the priest...

I just feel like I can't talk to them as they shut everyone else out about this, but I just don't want to see the last few years of their lives being spent knee deep in religion - i would love them to have more to their lives!

thanks - this was long-winded!

Maybe they're lonely or want to get out of the house? A common problem for the elderly.

Why do you think your dad is gay?

Snookercues

Thanks to all for your input - I am beginning to realise that perhaps it IS MY issue rather than theirs - who am I to say what is right or wrong!

Deadanonymous - it's a difficult one to say why I think he is gay, i think it is more that i just get an overall sense of it (this makes no sense in writing!). People have often commented to me before that they also think he is gay - he can be extremely camp in his mannerisms (again, i am making a mess of explaining this!), and is almost OTT on comments about attractive women etc..... Like I said, my brother is gay and he is literally my best mate, so its not an anti-gay thing!

intheclouds

Why dont you ask him if he is gay?

Snookercues

Intheclouds - that would just be a complete NO NO in our family - I don't care either way - he is my dad and I love him to bits - i am not sure what would be achieved by asking him tbh - it would just upset the apple cart!!!! the only reason I think it is relevant is that when my brother came out, they more or less thought that he was going straight to hell, so for similar reasons i think he might be "putting in the extra effort" for what he perceives to be something that is sending him straight to hell!

Smondie

Mass can be a social thing too. Meet all the others and have a chat afterwards. They seem to be out every morning and night socialising.

I think it is your issue. As long as they are happy and don't get sucked in to a "house of prayer, give us all your money" situation, what's the harm?

As for your dad being gay, that really is an issue between themselves. Unless your dad approaches you about it, it's his business.

Wesser

Snookercues wrote: »

Intheclouds - that would just be a complete NO NO in our family - I don't care either way - he is my dad and I love him to bits - i am not sure what would be achieved by asking him tbh - it would just upset the apple cart!!!! the only reason I think it is relevant is that when my brother came out, they more or less thought that he was going straight to hell, so for similar reasons i think he might be "putting in the extra effort" for what he perceives to be something that is sending him straight to hell!

I think this is the nub of it!

ScumLord

For the older generation the church is a social outlet. The world has changed on them in a big way, they grew up in a completely different lifestyle, even I've seen the world change in my lifetime. The church could just be a constant that they understand.


I know my local church organises all kinds of outings and events for the older community in town. So I wouldn't be too worried. Maybe go along to one of these things and make sure they're not sitting in the corner on their own. But if they're interacting with other people then that's why they go.

1123heavy

I would describe myself as somewhat religious (although not of the Christian faith), and this seems completely normal, as somebody else said .... it's about doing as much as you can of what you feel will benefit you on the day you meet your maker.

Sleeper12

People do go to the extreme with religion as they get older. You think of your own mortality more. I wouldn't be worried about their obsessive behaviour. It's quite "normal" for people in their age bracket. You might find yourself doing the same at their age

Mrs OBumble

Snookercues wrote: »

...I feel that this amount of devotion is a substitute for an emptiness in their lives.

They probably feeling that having your entire social life arranged around the GAA club, getting drunk every night, going hill-walking every weekend, playing in five music sessions a week ... or whatever else you do is a substitute for the emptiness that is in your life because you don't know and love Jesus! (Yes, I know people who do all of those things.)

Seriously, for older people it's hard to see what you have described as any more than a devout but healthy spirituality.

Now, if they only thing the talked to you about was religion, if they were forever asking you to go to church with them, if there were prayer meetings in the house every night, if they wanted to have an exorcism there, if they were giving serious money to a local spiritual healer, if they had changed their wills so that everything was left to the church, if they were on their knees praying outside abortion clinics or sex shops every day ... end I might think there was a mental health issue (the jargon is religious hyper-mania). But nothing you've described sounds like that.

Aimeee

Totally agree with Mrs O Bumble.
Have you thought about why it's bothering you?
I hace have seen it with a lot of elderly relatives, the older they get the more important religion becomes. To be honest I think a lot of it is the social element that comes with it. It's very comforting to be within a group of people going through the ritual of mass as an example. I'm not at that age yet but I can see the attraction. And when your family is reared, you're retired from work and possibly the social links decrease due to age constraints or whatever the one sure thing is the church and those involved. Also if you ever attend a funeral see all the older people having the chat outside the funeral home/house. (Is that just a rural thing?). It's so normal and so Irish.
As somebody else mentioned they grew up with this, it's normal for them. For us it's not.
It might be just a phase too, is there always novenas etc going on? I thought they were once in a while situations?

ScumLord

Sleeper12 wrote: »

People do go to the extreme with religion as they get older. You think of your own mortality more. I wouldn't be worried about their obsessive behaviour. It's quite "normal" for people in their age bracket. You might find yourself doing the same at their age

It wouldn't surprise me if that doesn't come into it at all. If all their friends are going to be at church they could be just going to meet them. At that stage in a person's life all the debating is probably over, they have their believes and they don't need any reinforcement.

9de5q7tsr8u2im

Snookercues wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Not too sure if this is the right forum, but here goes anyway.

My parents are in their late 60s/early 70s, and would always have been reasonably religious when we were growing up i.e. went to mass on Sundays, holy pictures in the house etc etc.

I am finding lately that they are becoming (and honestly, this is only MY opinion), slightly "obsessed" with religion. They go to mass every evening (in fact my dad also goes a lot of mornings too), and on Sundays. In addition, they go to these "Private prayer with Jesus" things on one evening a week, which I think is like private quiet prayer time. They also go regularly to Novenas (on the week nights that they don't go to normal mass). They have multiple prayer books etc etc by their bed and are actively involved in the church by being Eucharistic ministers, on the parochial council etc.

I completely understand that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, but I am just becoming slightly concerned that they are almost treating their religion as the only thing in their life - they have no active social life or outside friends worth talking about, and I feel that this amount of devotion is a substitute for an emptiness in their lives.

Am I over-reacting? Perhaps this is worth mentioning - I am firmly convinced that my Dad may be gay and my mother may be aware of it (although I am not sure if they every spoke about it between themselves - they certainly have never mentioned it to me or my siblings). Is it possible that they are in some way "trying to make amends" for this? I personally have no issue with being gay, but to put in context, my brother came out a few years ago, and my parents didn't react well at all - in fact their first port of call for advice was the priest...

I just feel like I can't talk to them as they shut everyone else out about this, but I just don't want to see the last few years of their lives being spent knee deep in religion - i would love them to have more to their lives!

thanks - this was long-winded!

you are definitely over reacting mind your own business will ya?

unjedilike

I think it's a bit much tbh and can totally see where you're coming from. Also, even if your father is gay, by asking him about it you could potentially disrupt everything in his life, he may not take kindly to it and spurn you because of it. As a younger generation it's easy to see it as being over the top, it definitely is, in my opinion, but as it's physically harming no one, and they see it as their wish and duty, it may be best to leave well alone. I would, however, hope that large portions of money are not going to the church

Delirium

intheclouds wrote: »

Im sure it is a delusion and if the belief was something OTHER than religion then doctors etc would be involved. But faith for some reason is seen as a legitimate mental condition so as long as they are happy I would leave well enough alone.

MOD NOTE

Kindly refrain from referring religion/faith as a delusion/ mental condition.

It's not respectful to those of faith. Please be mindful of this in future postings.

Thanks for your attention.

intheclouds

Delirium wrote: »

MOD NOTE

Kindly refrain from referring religion/faith as a delusion/ mental condition.

It's not respectful to those of faith. Please be mindful of this in future postings.

Thanks for your attention.

Thank you for proving the exact point I was making.

recedite

Snookercues wrote: »

- i am not sure what would be achieved by asking him tbh - it would just upset the apple cart!!!! the only reason I think it is relevant is that when my brother came out, they more or less thought that he was going straight to hell, so for similar reasons i think he might be "putting in the extra effort" for what he perceives to be something that is sending him straight to hell!

Supposing this is true, then maybe its just too late for both of them to acknowledge the reality. It would mean admitting they were living a kind of lie all this time, and it might cause a social upset with the relatives, and possibly cause them to separate. Its easier to retreat deeper into the same world that steered them into living the kind of life they have lived.
Society failed them, but there is no second chance, and nothing that can be done to change the past. Look on the bright side; at least you are here as a result.

Giacomo McGubbin

Snookercues wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Not too sure if this is the right forum, but here goes anyway.

My parents are in their late 60s/early 70s, and would always have been reasonably religious when we were growing up i.e. went to mass on Sundays, holy pictures in the house etc etc.

I am finding lately that they are becoming (and honestly, this is only MY opinion), slightly "obsessed" with religion. They go to mass every evening (in fact my dad also goes a lot of mornings too), and on Sundays. In addition, they go to these "Private prayer with Jesus" things on one evening a week, which I think is like private quiet prayer time. They also go regularly to Novenas (on the week nights that they don't go to normal mass). They have multiple prayer books etc etc by their bed and are actively involved in the church by being Eucharistic ministers, on the parochial council etc.

I completely understand that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, but I am just becoming slightly concerned that they are almost treating their religion as the only thing in their life - they have no active social life or outside friends worth talking about, and I feel that this amount of devotion is a substitute for an emptiness in their lives.

Am I over-reacting? Perhaps this is worth mentioning - I am firmly convinced that my Dad may be gay and my mother may be aware of it (although I am not sure if they every spoke about it between themselves - they certainly have never mentioned it to me or my siblings). Is it possible that they are in some way "trying to make amends" for this? I personally have no issue with being gay, but to put in context, my brother came out a few years ago, and my parents didn't react well at all - in fact their first port of call for advice was the priest...

I just feel like I can't talk to them as they shut everyone else out about this, but I just don't want to see the last few years of their lives being spent knee deep in religion - i would love them to have more to their lives!

thanks - this was long-winded!

Genuinely spiritual people pray and go to Church more often than those that are not spiritual. This might seem different to a non spiritual person, but it's a bit like trying to explain an interest and joy in music to someone who is deaf. Quite difficult, and understandably, quite annoying to the deaf person. If they are happy and not forcing anything on you or anyone else, I don't see the problem at all. In fact what they are doing is pretty sociable and involves a lot of getting out and about and mixing with others of their own age. Your parents seem to be happy and getting on. They could be doing a lot worse things, or spending all day couped and depressed in the house, with nowhere to go, like a lot of older people.

As for you speculating on what your elderly father's sexuality might be ? Who cares what is ? either way, it's irrelevant today, and thanks in part to him, you exist. I doubt at that age your parents care what their sexuality is. Sexuality is of very very little importance in your 70/80's, it's something that really is only relevant in the first half or so of your life. So what if he doesn't put on a big macho act and is just himself ? Why not just leave him be, instead of asking questions that are now largely totally irelevant to his life today ?

Also, you seem to have fallen for the common misconception/misrepresentation that merely being homosexual is seen as sinful by the Church. It's not. The only thing sinful is sexual activity, either hetrosexual or homosexual outside the sacrement and commitment of marriage. If your parents didn't know that about homosexuality when your bother came out, I'm sure a good Priest would have explained it. (P.S. I don't want this post being used as an excuse to turn a thread into yet another gay debate. If anyone wants to, take it to the megathread, and I'll be happy to answer it there.)

Peregrinus

intheclouds wrote: »

If they are happy and not harming anyone then I dont see what the problem is.

Yup. There is no problem.

intheclouds wrote: »

Im sure it is a delusion and if the belief was something OTHER than religion then doctors etc would be involved.

Oh! And you were doing so well up to this point!

They're happy and not harming anybody, so why would the doctors be involved? The doctors aren't steering clear because these people's beliefs are religious; they're steering clear because there is no medical issue here. The people concerned are happy, healthy and not harming anyone. Isn't that the end of the story?

Consider your own belief that doctors consider people to have a medical problem if they hold a belief that intheclouds finds to be delusional. That belief is obviously irrational - why should the limits of inthecloud's credulity be the standard for determining mental illness? - and it's contracted by abundantly available evidence. And if you're not carted off to Dundrum in a strait jacket for holding an irrational, unfounded and plainly untrue belief, why would you expect others to be?

Bottom line; beliefs that you don't share and don't understand are not a mental health issue. This doesn't depend on whether the beliefs are religious in nature or not.

smacl

Eve Bitter Storage wrote: »

you are definitely over reacting mind your own business will ya?

Seriously? Someone comes on here with honest concerns about the well-being of her elderly parents and your best advice is that she mind her own business. Looking after the well-being of one's ageing parents is very much the business of any considerate child and is to be applauded, not scorned.

OP, IMO having a social outlet outside of the house is a good thing, and while I'm not religious myself, it is one real benefit I'd see in the church as part of a community. As others have said, maybe have a surreptitious word with the priest just to make sure there's nothing out of the ordinary.

smacl

Giacomo McGubbin wrote: »

Also, you seem to have fallen for the common misconception/misrepresentation that merely being homosexual is seen as sinful by the Church. It's not. The only thing sinful is sexual activity, either hetrosexual or homosexual outside the sacrement and commitment of marriage. If your parents didn't know that about homosexuality when your bother came out, I'm sure a good Priest would have explained it. (P.S. I don't want this post being used as an excuse to turn a thread into yet another gay debate. If anyone wants to, take it to the megathread, and I'll be happy to answer it there.)

Its a good point and a misconception that may be be shared by the OPs folks, which could be the source of no small amount of anxiety. Maybe the OP could suggest the priest to include something on these lines of what you've said an upcoming sermon?

Snookercues

Firstly I genuinely want to thank everyone for their replies, and I think if anything it has probably shown me that I need to take a large step back and let my parents do what is obviously making them happy.

I suppose just to clarify a few things - it has been suggested that my parents are using this as a social outlet - yes to an extent I can agree with this, however I know for certain that they are more the "go to mass, sit in corner and leave" - they are most definitely not the stand outside the church after mass chatting to the other parishioners - hence my concern that it is not for the social aspect that they attend (which again, is fine. Going to mass is certainly more than a "social outing").

I suppose (and again, I failed to include this in my original post), is that, contrary to what I understood a good Christian to be, is that they are probably the most critical and judgmental people I have ever come across (and again, this has been mentioned to me by other relatives / friends etc). They have made some extremely narrow minded judgement and decisions over the years to do with both myself and my siblings life choices (and also to their own siblings to the extent that neither of them have any real interaction with their own families) that I feel completely contradicts the teachings of the Church. One of their criticisms led them to completely ignore me for an entire period of 5 months!

I am not a mass goer - would I consider myself a Catholic? Yes, but I personally do not see the point of mass (just my personal opinion), and would rather be a decent human being who can show compassion and forgiveness.

I suppose perhaps my somewhat frustration is that they are seen to be the "perfect Christians" and place more value on checking the box in terms of the number of times they go to mass / prayers said / novenas attended etc, than they do in practicing the fundamentals of being good people!

It's a rant on my behalf, I appreciate that - and there is no right or wrong answer. Perhaps my issues go beyond my frustrations with their religion!!!!!

bobbysands81

Jacxel wrote: »

If I actually believed in a hell I'd be doing everything I could to avoid it too.

God is all forgiving, He won't send you to hell, so live like there's no tomorrow!

Smondie

Snookercues wrote: »

...
I suppose (and again, I failed to include this in my original post), is that, contrary to what I understood a good Christian to be, is that they are probably the most critical and judgmental people I have ever come across (and again, this has been mentioned to me by other relatives / friends etc). They have made some extremely narrow minded judgement and decisions over the years to do with both myself and my siblings life choices (......!

you are here judging thier life choices-

going to mass and thier relationship with god
Your fathers sexuality and his relationship with your mother
You even go on to say they are not decent human beings
Thier outlook on the world is not the same as yours and therefore wrong
etc

Yet you are berating them for being judgemental

Snookercues

Smondie - yes, you are right Talk about the pot calling the kettle black - I guess I am as bad as I am accusing them of being....... perhaps I should focus on my own life a bit more and live and let live.

smacl

Snookercues wrote: »

Smondie - yes, you are right Talk about the pot calling the kettle black - I guess I am as bad as I am accusing them of being....... perhaps I should focus on my own life a bit more and live and let live.

Probably worth pointing out that a large part of the reaction you're getting here is biased towards Christianity, given that you're in the Christianity forum. You'd get a very different bias on other forums such as the A&A forum. Don't know which forum would best suit this question, in a more neutral, looking after your folks kind of context, for someone that's not that religious themselves.

Smondie

Snookercues wrote: »

Smondie - yes, you are right Talk about the pot calling the kettle black - I guess I am as bad as I am accusing them of being....... perhaps I should focus on my own life a bit more and live and let live.

I think it's part of human nature and we all are a bit judgemental of others and compare them to ourselves.


Live and let live as long as no harm is done. Sometimes people' s initial reaction to things can be out of fear of unknown, worry, stress etc. People views of situations can be fluid.

sbsquarepants

Aimeee wrote: »

Have you thought about why it's bothering you?

I think it's just human nature - we want the best for those we love.

Speaking personally, as an atheist - I think it's a shocking waste of precious time to spend it bowing and grovelling for the glorification of some inexplicably needy supreme being. But that's just me - if you're religious and want to do those things, I don't care, I just won't be joining you. I may view it as a waste (as you do OP) but they're their lives to do with as they please. I'm sure to a religious person my life has probably been a waste, arsing about doing whatever, when I could have been saddling up to the big man.

To-may-toe, to-mah-toe. Live and let live I say.

beach_walker

smacl wrote: »

Probably worth pointing out that a large part of the reaction you're getting here is biased towards Christianity, given that you're in the Christianity forum.

Serious lol from that one. Cheers.

smacl

beach_walker wrote: »

Serious lol from that one. Cheers.

Yeah well, when someone comes on here concerned about the well being of her folks and get the response (which you apparently agree with) that she should mind her own business, IMHO it is worth pointing out that she might get a less insensitive more tolerant response elsewhere.

livedadream

everyone is judgemental, well meaning or not,

the beauty of it is as long as you feel bad about it and try better next time its all good.

actions speak louder than words, talk to your parents.

suppose perhaps my somewhat frustration is that they are seen to be the "perfect Christians" and place more value on checking the box in terms of the number of times they go to mass / prayers said / novenas attended etc, than they do in practicing the fundamentals of being good people!

maybe thats why they believe being a good christian is.no one knows what goes on in the head of someone who is praying or repenting or having their moment with god. maybe they spend the time at mass thinking about what to have for dinner but maybe they spend it thinking god please help me to be a better person and be less judgemental.

no one knows, as long as they are happy and not interfering with anyones life then let them be

Smondie

smacl wrote: »

Yeah well, when someone comes on here concerned about the well being of her folks and get the response (which you apparently agree with) that she should mind her own business, IMHO it is worth pointing out that she might get a less insensitive more tolerant response elsewhere.

I'mgenuinely interested what you think would that response be?

beach_walker

smacl wrote: »

Yeah well, when someone comes on here concerned about the well being of her folks and get the response (which you apparently agree with) that she should mind her own business, IMHO it is worth pointing out that she might get a less insensitive more tolerant response elsewhere.

I think you know well what I was laughing at. A Christian bias here... How many Christians posted in this thread versus non-Christians? How many posts are mocking religion (maybe sbsquarepants can post again about how he think it's a waste of time), implying mental illness etc.

You'd get the same posts in A&A minus a handful of replies which you find intolerant I suppose.

volchitsa

smacl wrote: »

Yeah well, when someone comes on here concerned about the well being of her folks and get the response (which you apparently agree with) that she should mind her own business, IMHO it is worth pointing out that she might get a less insensitive more tolerant response elsewhere.

Definitely agree that the reposnse is likely to be less defensive and more thoughtful on the Atheist forum, perhaps because most Irish atheists (IME anyway) were brought up in Catholic families, so most of us have family members who are still practicing Catholics and do wish to maintain a good relationship with them. So people over there are more likely to get where you are coming from.

(FWIW, since we're in here and not over there, as an atheist with one still practicing parent and the other one who goes along with it purely for my mother's sake, I'm not sure you can do much about it, but perhaps you can discuss with them (separately?) what they feel they get out of it? If your father is feeling fearful, it may be that this weighs on your mother and she may be glad to talk about it. I'd stay away from raising his/their sexuality though - but discussing your brother's choices may possibly allow them to raise it if they wish to. )

Smondie

Most posters have given the advice of live and let live unless it is harming someone




Would this less insensitive more tolerant response elsewhere they might recieve be "don't live and let live"?

I'm confused.

beach_walker

Smondie wrote: »

Would this less insensitive more tolerant response elsewhere they might recieve be "don't live and let live"?

I'm confused.

Rightly so. You see the handful of Christians in this thread are only concerned with their own rabid beliefs and care nothing for the OP or their parents. Only the enlightened denizens of A&A know how to deal with this.

Presumably even if the same handful of Christians went over there and posted in a similar thread, they would automatically become more enlightened due to the reflected glow of the intelligentsia.

kev250

Parents just getting older so their is probably less happening in their lives/ less responsiblities = bordem.
So possibly have made it at daily thing for something to do?

Snookercues

volchitsa wrote: »

Definitely agree that the reposnse is likely to be less defensive and more thoughtful on the Atheist forum, perhaps because most Irish atheists (IME anyway) were brought up in Catholic families, so most of us have family members who are still practicing Catholics and do wish to maintain a good relationship with them. So people over there are more likely to get where you are coming from.

(FWIW, since we're in here and not over there, as an atheist with one still practicing parent and the other one who goes along with it purely for my mother's sake, I'm not sure you can do much about it, but perhaps you can discuss with them (separately?) what they feel they get out of it? If your father is feeling fearful, it may be that this weighs on your mother and she may be glad to talk about it. I'd stay away from raising his/their sexuality though - but discussing your brother's choices may possibly allow them to raise it if they wish to. )

It is never my intention to EVER bring up my father's sexuality with either my mother or my father. My 6th sense tells me that in ways, yes, she is likely to have come to her own conclusions, as various coversations that we have had about the issue lead me to believe that she is in some way skirting around the topic and looking for consolation from me (e.g. two of their very good friends are a married couple, and there is no doubt that the husband is gay. Her conclusions was that "well its great that they are so happy as a couple, and really it doesn't matter, once they are happy as friends etc" - this is difficult to put down in words, but it was as if she was projecting their situation on to herself and looking for my affirmation that, yes, this is OK.

Sorry, I know i am going Off Topic here with the whole sexuality thing - is it relevant? I really don't know.... I suppose I am looking in my own head for some sort of justification for behaviour that I (again, my own personal opinion here) is OTT.

lawred2

Snookercues wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Not too sure if this is the right forum, but here goes anyway.

My parents are in their late 60s/early 70s, and would always have been reasonably religious when we were growing up i.e. went to mass on Sundays, holy pictures in the house etc etc.

I am finding lately that they are becoming (and honestly, this is only MY opinion), slightly "obsessed" with religion. They go to mass every evening (in fact my dad also goes a lot of mornings too), and on Sundays. In addition, they go to these "Private prayer with Jesus" things on one evening a week, which I think is like private quiet prayer time. They also go regularly to Novenas (on the week nights that they don't go to normal mass). They have multiple prayer books etc etc by their bed and are actively involved in the church by being Eucharistic ministers, on the parochial council etc.

I completely understand that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, but I am just becoming slightly concerned that they are almost treating their religion as the only thing in their life - they have no active social life or outside friends worth talking about, and I feel that this amount of devotion is a substitute for an emptiness in their lives.

Am I over-reacting? Perhaps this is worth mentioning - I am firmly convinced that my Dad may be gay and my mother may be aware of it (although I am not sure if they every spoke about it between themselves - they certainly have never mentioned it to me or my siblings). Is it possible that they are in some way "trying to make amends" for this? I personally have no issue with being gay, but to put in context, my brother came out a few years ago, and my parents didn't react well at all - in fact their first port of call for advice was the priest...

I just feel like I can't talk to them as they shut everyone else out about this, but I just don't want to see the last few years of their lives being spent knee deep in religion - i would love them to have more to their lives!

thanks - this was long-winded!

my Dad's gone a bit like that..

all masses, prayers, novenas, retreats etc

Has no relationship with his grandchildren - can't make a two hour trip to see them because it's too much for him to manage but has just announced that he's heading to the 'holy land' later in the year..

For me; he's turned away from the living to focus on the dead.

lawred2

Eve Bitter Storage wrote: »

you are definitely over reacting mind your own business will ya?

get up the yard - the OP's parents are most definitely the OP's business

Smondie

lawred2 wrote: »

my Dad's gone a bit like that..

all masses, prayers, novenas, retreats etc

Has no relationship with his grandchildren - can't make a two hour trip to see them because it's too much for him to manage but has just announced that he's heading to the 'holy land' later in the year..

For me; he's turned away from the living to focus on the dead.

Maybe he has dedicated his whole live to raising his children and wants to focus now a bit on himself? Or has sacrificed so much for his children the least they could do is vist him?


Would you consider someone with children selfish for choosing to holiday in a destination other than thier parents house?

smacl

Smondie wrote: »

I'mgenuinely interested what you think would that response be?

I'd certainly hope at least that it would not be to go off and mind her own business, and was genuinely surprised at that level of crass insensitivity. As per my own first post in this thread, I'd consider older religious people getting out to church regularly to be a beneficial as a form of social interaction, and seconded the opinion of another poster that it might benefit the OPs folks to know that in this day and age that being gay isn't necessarily a burn in hell for all eternity thing. I'd reckon the OP would get a wider range or responses in other forums, as frankly this one is rather quiet.