A bit worried about my parents

Snookercues

Hi everyone,

Not too sure if this is the right forum, but here goes anyway.

My parents are in their late 60s/early 70s, and would always have been reasonably religious when we were growing up i.e. went to mass on Sundays, holy pictures in the house etc etc.

I am finding lately that they are becoming (and honestly, this is only MY opinion), slightly "obsessed" with religion. They go to mass every evening (in fact my dad also goes a lot of mornings too), and on Sundays. In addition, they go to these "Private prayer with Jesus" things on one evening a week, which I think is like private quiet prayer time. They also go regularly to Novenas (on the week nights that they don't go to normal mass). They have multiple prayer books etc etc by their bed and are actively involved in the church by being Eucharistic ministers, on the parochial council etc.

I completely understand that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, but I am just becoming slightly concerned that they are almost treating their religion as the only thing in their life - they have no active social life or outside friends worth talking about, and I feel that this amount of devotion is a substitute for an emptiness in their lives.

Am I over-reacting? Perhaps this is worth mentioning - I am firmly convinced that my Dad may be gay and my mother may be aware of it (although I am not sure if they every spoke about it between themselves - they certainly have never mentioned it to me or my siblings). Is it possible that they are in some way "trying to make amends" for this? I personally have no issue with being gay, but to put in context, my brother came out a few years ago, and my parents didn't react well at all - in fact their first port of call for advice was the priest...

I just feel like I can't talk to them as they shut everyone else out about this, but I just don't want to see the last few years of their lives being spent knee deep in religion - i would love them to have more to their lives!

thanks - this was long-winded!

beach_walker

Well nothing you posted sounds extreme to me. Daily Mass, involvement with the parish and community and studying their faith. Why don't you consider the various activities you list them taking part in, as part of their social lives? I'd be extremely surprised if they didn't have friends in the parish/church-community given the level of involvement.

Tbh (and I only to go on what you posted) seems the problem is with you rather than them.

I just don't want to see the last few years of their lives being spent knee deep in religion - i would love them to have more to their lives!

sbsquarepants

I don't mean to be crude but I think what's happening here is fairly obvious.
The closer they get to dying the more worried they are about what happens next - they're simply trying to ensure passage through the pearly gates. I've seen it happen heaps of times.
Once they're happy, what's the problem really? I personally view it as a total waste, but what's ones mans waste is another mans treasure.

intheclouds

If they are happy and not harming anyone then I dont see what the problem is.

Im sure it is a delusion and if the belief was something OTHER than religion then doctors etc would be involved. But faith for some reason is seen as a legitimate mental condition so as long as they are happy I would leave well enough alone.

beach_walker

intheclouds wrote: »

Im sure it is a delusion and if the belief was something OTHER than religion then doctors etc would be involved. But faith for some reason is seen as a legitimate mental condition

Are you by any chance the lead guitarist for U2?

eviltwin

The church is often a social outlet for a lot of older people as well as a place of prayer. It could be that going to all these events is actually how they get to meet people. Unless there are obvious mental health issues that make them vulnerable I'd leave them to it. Maybe have a chat with the parish priest if you have concerns? He may be aware of the motives behind it and might be able to give you some insight.

intheclouds

beach_walker wrote: »

Are you by any chance the lead guitarist for U2?

No - but if I genuinely believed I was I would be seen by a psychiatrist. However, if I genuinely believe in an all knowing all powerful supernatural entity - thats ok.

beach_walker

intheclouds wrote: »

No

Really? I haven't seen so much Edge since Croke Park '09 *ba-dum-ish*

Jacxel

If I actually believed in a hell I'd be doing everything I could to avoid it too.

If you think it's having a negative impact on their lives then its up to you to talk to them about it. I would with my parents, not that I think it would be very fruitful.

deadanonymau5

Snookercues wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Not too sure if this is the right forum, but here goes anyway.

My parents are in their late 60s/early 70s, and would always have been reasonably religious when we were growing up i.e. went to mass on Sundays, holy pictures in the house etc etc.

I am finding lately that they are becoming (and honestly, this is only MY opinion), slightly "obsessed" with religion. They go to mass every evening (in fact my dad also goes a lot of mornings too), and on Sundays. In addition, they go to these "Private prayer with Jesus" things on one evening a week, which I think is like private quiet prayer time. They also go regularly to Novenas (on the week nights that they don't go to normal mass). They have multiple prayer books etc etc by their bed and are actively involved in the church by being Eucharistic ministers, on the parochial council etc.

I completely understand that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, but I am just becoming slightly concerned that they are almost treating their religion as the only thing in their life - they have no active social life or outside friends worth talking about, and I feel that this amount of devotion is a substitute for an emptiness in their lives.

Am I over-reacting? Perhaps this is worth mentioning - I am firmly convinced that my Dad may be gay and my mother may be aware of it (although I am not sure if they every spoke about it between themselves - they certainly have never mentioned it to me or my siblings). Is it possible that they are in some way "trying to make amends" for this? I personally have no issue with being gay, but to put in context, my brother came out a few years ago, and my parents didn't react well at all - in fact their first port of call for advice was the priest...

I just feel like I can't talk to them as they shut everyone else out about this, but I just don't want to see the last few years of their lives being spent knee deep in religion - i would love them to have more to their lives!

thanks - this was long-winded!

Maybe they're lonely or want to get out of the house? A common problem for the elderly.

Why do you think your dad is gay?

Snookercues

Thanks to all for your input - I am beginning to realise that perhaps it IS MY issue rather than theirs - who am I to say what is right or wrong!

Deadanonymous - it's a difficult one to say why I think he is gay, i think it is more that i just get an overall sense of it (this makes no sense in writing!). People have often commented to me before that they also think he is gay - he can be extremely camp in his mannerisms (again, i am making a mess of explaining this!), and is almost OTT on comments about attractive women etc..... Like I said, my brother is gay and he is literally my best mate, so its not an anti-gay thing!

intheclouds

Why dont you ask him if he is gay?

Snookercues

Intheclouds - that would just be a complete NO NO in our family - I don't care either way - he is my dad and I love him to bits - i am not sure what would be achieved by asking him tbh - it would just upset the apple cart!!!! the only reason I think it is relevant is that when my brother came out, they more or less thought that he was going straight to hell, so for similar reasons i think he might be "putting in the extra effort" for what he perceives to be something that is sending him straight to hell!

Smondie

Mass can be a social thing too. Meet all the others and have a chat afterwards. They seem to be out every morning and night socialising.

I think it is your issue. As long as they are happy and don't get sucked in to a "house of prayer, give us all your money" situation, what's the harm?

As for your dad being gay, that really is an issue between themselves. Unless your dad approaches you about it, it's his business.

Wesser

Snookercues wrote: »

Intheclouds - that would just be a complete NO NO in our family - I don't care either way - he is my dad and I love him to bits - i am not sure what would be achieved by asking him tbh - it would just upset the apple cart!!!! the only reason I think it is relevant is that when my brother came out, they more or less thought that he was going straight to hell, so for similar reasons i think he might be "putting in the extra effort" for what he perceives to be something that is sending him straight to hell!

I think this is the nub of it!

ScumLord

For the older generation the church is a social outlet. The world has changed on them in a big way, they grew up in a completely different lifestyle, even I've seen the world change in my lifetime. The church could just be a constant that they understand.


I know my local church organises all kinds of outings and events for the older community in town. So I wouldn't be too worried. Maybe go along to one of these things and make sure they're not sitting in the corner on their own. But if they're interacting with other people then that's why they go.

1123heavy

I would describe myself as somewhat religious (although not of the Christian faith), and this seems completely normal, as somebody else said .... it's about doing as much as you can of what you feel will benefit you on the day you meet your maker.

Sleeper12

People do go to the extreme with religion as they get older. You think of your own mortality more. I wouldn't be worried about their obsessive behaviour. It's quite "normal" for people in their age bracket. You might find yourself doing the same at their age

Mrs OBumble

Snookercues wrote: »

...I feel that this amount of devotion is a substitute for an emptiness in their lives.

They probably feeling that having your entire social life arranged around the GAA club, getting drunk every night, going hill-walking every weekend, playing in five music sessions a week ... or whatever else you do is a substitute for the emptiness that is in your life because you don't know and love Jesus! (Yes, I know people who do all of those things.)

Seriously, for older people it's hard to see what you have described as any more than a devout but healthy spirituality.

Now, if they only thing the talked to you about was religion, if they were forever asking you to go to church with them, if there were prayer meetings in the house every night, if they wanted to have an exorcism there, if they were giving serious money to a local spiritual healer, if they had changed their wills so that everything was left to the church, if they were on their knees praying outside abortion clinics or sex shops every day ... end I might think there was a mental health issue (the jargon is religious hyper-mania). But nothing you've described sounds like that.

Aimeee

Totally agree with Mrs O Bumble.
Have you thought about why it's bothering you?
I hace have seen it with a lot of elderly relatives, the older they get the more important religion becomes. To be honest I think a lot of it is the social element that comes with it. It's very comforting to be within a group of people going through the ritual of mass as an example. I'm not at that age yet but I can see the attraction. And when your family is reared, you're retired from work and possibly the social links decrease due to age constraints or whatever the one sure thing is the church and those involved. Also if you ever attend a funeral see all the older people having the chat outside the funeral home/house. (Is that just a rural thing?). It's so normal and so Irish.
As somebody else mentioned they grew up with this, it's normal for them. For us it's not.
It might be just a phase too, is there always novenas etc going on? I thought they were once in a while situations?

ScumLord

Sleeper12 wrote: »

People do go to the extreme with religion as they get older. You think of your own mortality more. I wouldn't be worried about their obsessive behaviour. It's quite "normal" for people in their age bracket. You might find yourself doing the same at their age

It wouldn't surprise me if that doesn't come into it at all. If all their friends are going to be at church they could be just going to meet them. At that stage in a person's life all the debating is probably over, they have their believes and they don't need any reinforcement.

9de5q7tsr8u2im

Snookercues wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Not too sure if this is the right forum, but here goes anyway.

My parents are in their late 60s/early 70s, and would always have been reasonably religious when we were growing up i.e. went to mass on Sundays, holy pictures in the house etc etc.

I am finding lately that they are becoming (and honestly, this is only MY opinion), slightly "obsessed" with religion. They go to mass every evening (in fact my dad also goes a lot of mornings too), and on Sundays. In addition, they go to these "Private prayer with Jesus" things on one evening a week, which I think is like private quiet prayer time. They also go regularly to Novenas (on the week nights that they don't go to normal mass). They have multiple prayer books etc etc by their bed and are actively involved in the church by being Eucharistic ministers, on the parochial council etc.

I completely understand that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, but I am just becoming slightly concerned that they are almost treating their religion as the only thing in their life - they have no active social life or outside friends worth talking about, and I feel that this amount of devotion is a substitute for an emptiness in their lives.

Am I over-reacting? Perhaps this is worth mentioning - I am firmly convinced that my Dad may be gay and my mother may be aware of it (although I am not sure if they every spoke about it between themselves - they certainly have never mentioned it to me or my siblings). Is it possible that they are in some way "trying to make amends" for this? I personally have no issue with being gay, but to put in context, my brother came out a few years ago, and my parents didn't react well at all - in fact their first port of call for advice was the priest...

I just feel like I can't talk to them as they shut everyone else out about this, but I just don't want to see the last few years of their lives being spent knee deep in religion - i would love them to have more to their lives!

thanks - this was long-winded!

you are definitely over reacting mind your own business will ya?

unjedilike

I think it's a bit much tbh and can totally see where you're coming from. Also, even if your father is gay, by asking him about it you could potentially disrupt everything in his life, he may not take kindly to it and spurn you because of it. As a younger generation it's easy to see it as being over the top, it definitely is, in my opinion, but as it's physically harming no one, and they see it as their wish and duty, it may be best to leave well alone. I would, however, hope that large portions of money are not going to the church

Delirium

intheclouds wrote: »

Im sure it is a delusion and if the belief was something OTHER than religion then doctors etc would be involved. But faith for some reason is seen as a legitimate mental condition so as long as they are happy I would leave well enough alone.

MOD NOTE

Kindly refrain from referring religion/faith as a delusion/ mental condition.

It's not respectful to those of faith. Please be mindful of this in future postings.

Thanks for your attention.

intheclouds

Delirium wrote: »

MOD NOTE

Kindly refrain from referring religion/faith as a delusion/ mental condition.

It's not respectful to those of faith. Please be mindful of this in future postings.

Thanks for your attention.

Thank you for proving the exact point I was making.

recedite

Snookercues wrote: »

- i am not sure what would be achieved by asking him tbh - it would just upset the apple cart!!!! the only reason I think it is relevant is that when my brother came out, they more or less thought that he was going straight to hell, so for similar reasons i think he might be "putting in the extra effort" for what he perceives to be something that is sending him straight to hell!

Supposing this is true, then maybe its just too late for both of them to acknowledge the reality. It would mean admitting they were living a kind of lie all this time, and it might cause a social upset with the relatives, and possibly cause them to separate. Its easier to retreat deeper into the same world that steered them into living the kind of life they have lived.
Society failed them, but there is no second chance, and nothing that can be done to change the past. Look on the bright side; at least you are here as a result.

Giacomo McGubbin

Snookercues wrote: »

Hi everyone,

Not too sure if this is the right forum, but here goes anyway.

My parents are in their late 60s/early 70s, and would always have been reasonably religious when we were growing up i.e. went to mass on Sundays, holy pictures in the house etc etc.

I am finding lately that they are becoming (and honestly, this is only MY opinion), slightly "obsessed" with religion. They go to mass every evening (in fact my dad also goes a lot of mornings too), and on Sundays. In addition, they go to these "Private prayer with Jesus" things on one evening a week, which I think is like private quiet prayer time. They also go regularly to Novenas (on the week nights that they don't go to normal mass). They have multiple prayer books etc etc by their bed and are actively involved in the church by being Eucharistic ministers, on the parochial council etc.

I completely understand that everyone is entitled to their own beliefs, but I am just becoming slightly concerned that they are almost treating their religion as the only thing in their life - they have no active social life or outside friends worth talking about, and I feel that this amount of devotion is a substitute for an emptiness in their lives.

Am I over-reacting? Perhaps this is worth mentioning - I am firmly convinced that my Dad may be gay and my mother may be aware of it (although I am not sure if they every spoke about it between themselves - they certainly have never mentioned it to me or my siblings). Is it possible that they are in some way "trying to make amends" for this? I personally have no issue with being gay, but to put in context, my brother came out a few years ago, and my parents didn't react well at all - in fact their first port of call for advice was the priest...

I just feel like I can't talk to them as they shut everyone else out about this, but I just don't want to see the last few years of their lives being spent knee deep in religion - i would love them to have more to their lives!

thanks - this was long-winded!

Genuinely spiritual people pray and go to Church more often than those that are not spiritual. This might seem different to a non spiritual person, but it's a bit like trying to explain an interest and joy in music to someone who is deaf. Quite difficult, and understandably, quite annoying to the deaf person. If they are happy and not forcing anything on you or anyone else, I don't see the problem at all. In fact what they are doing is pretty sociable and involves a lot of getting out and about and mixing with others of their own age. Your parents seem to be happy and getting on. They could be doing a lot worse things, or spending all day couped and depressed in the house, with nowhere to go, like a lot of older people.

As for you speculating on what your elderly father's sexuality might be ? Who cares what is ? either way, it's irrelevant today, and thanks in part to him, you exist. I doubt at that age your parents care what their sexuality is. Sexuality is of very very little importance in your 70/80's, it's something that really is only relevant in the first half or so of your life. So what if he doesn't put on a big macho act and is just himself ? Why not just leave him be, instead of asking questions that are now largely totally irelevant to his life today ?

Also, you seem to have fallen for the common misconception/misrepresentation that merely being homosexual is seen as sinful by the Church. It's not. The only thing sinful is sexual activity, either hetrosexual or homosexual outside the sacrement and commitment of marriage. If your parents didn't know that about homosexuality when your bother came out, I'm sure a good Priest would have explained it. (P.S. I don't want this post being used as an excuse to turn a thread into yet another gay debate. If anyone wants to, take it to the megathread, and I'll be happy to answer it there.)

Peregrinus

intheclouds wrote: »

If they are happy and not harming anyone then I dont see what the problem is.

Yup. There is no problem.

intheclouds wrote: »

Im sure it is a delusion and if the belief was something OTHER than religion then doctors etc would be involved.

Oh! And you were doing so well up to this point!

They're happy and not harming anybody, so why would the doctors be involved? The doctors aren't steering clear because these people's beliefs are religious; they're steering clear because there is no medical issue here. The people concerned are happy, healthy and not harming anyone. Isn't that the end of the story?

Consider your own belief that doctors consider people to have a medical problem if they hold a belief that intheclouds finds to be delusional. That belief is obviously irrational - why should the limits of inthecloud's credulity be the standard for determining mental illness? - and it's contracted by abundantly available evidence. And if you're not carted off to Dundrum in a strait jacket for holding an irrational, unfounded and plainly untrue belief, why would you expect others to be?

Bottom line; beliefs that you don't share and don't understand are not a mental health issue. This doesn't depend on whether the beliefs are religious in nature or not.

smacl

Eve Bitter Storage wrote: »

you are definitely over reacting mind your own business will ya?

Seriously? Someone comes on here with honest concerns about the well-being of her elderly parents and your best advice is that she mind her own business. Looking after the well-being of one's ageing parents is very much the business of any considerate child and is to be applauded, not scorned.

OP, IMO having a social outlet outside of the house is a good thing, and while I'm not religious myself, it is one real benefit I'd see in the church as part of a community. As others have said, maybe have a surreptitious word with the priest just to make sure there's nothing out of the ordinary.

smacl

Giacomo McGubbin wrote: »

Also, you seem to have fallen for the common misconception/misrepresentation that merely being homosexual is seen as sinful by the Church. It's not. The only thing sinful is sexual activity, either hetrosexual or homosexual outside the sacrement and commitment of marriage. If your parents didn't know that about homosexuality when your bother came out, I'm sure a good Priest would have explained it. (P.S. I don't want this post being used as an excuse to turn a thread into yet another gay debate. If anyone wants to, take it to the megathread, and I'll be happy to answer it there.)

Its a good point and a misconception that may be be shared by the OPs folks, which could be the source of no small amount of anxiety. Maybe the OP could suggest the priest to include something on these lines of what you've said an upcoming sermon?

Snookercues

Firstly I genuinely want to thank everyone for their replies, and I think if anything it has probably shown me that I need to take a large step back and let my parents do what is obviously making them happy.

I suppose just to clarify a few things - it has been suggested that my parents are using this as a social outlet - yes to an extent I can agree with this, however I know for certain that they are more the "go to mass, sit in corner and leave" - they are most definitely not the stand outside the church after mass chatting to the other parishioners - hence my concern that it is not for the social aspect that they attend (which again, is fine. Going to mass is certainly more than a "social outing").

I suppose (and again, I failed to include this in my original post), is that, contrary to what I understood a good Christian to be, is that they are probably the most critical and judgmental people I have ever come across (and again, this has been mentioned to me by other relatives / friends etc). They have made some extremely narrow minded judgement and decisions over the years to do with both myself and my siblings life choices (and also to their own siblings to the extent that neither of them have any real interaction with their own families) that I feel completely contradicts the teachings of the Church. One of their criticisms led them to completely ignore me for an entire period of 5 months!

I am not a mass goer - would I consider myself a Catholic? Yes, but I personally do not see the point of mass (just my personal opinion), and would rather be a decent human being who can show compassion and forgiveness.

I suppose perhaps my somewhat frustration is that they are seen to be the "perfect Christians" and place more value on checking the box in terms of the number of times they go to mass / prayers said / novenas attended etc, than they do in practicing the fundamentals of being good people!

It's a rant on my behalf, I appreciate that - and there is no right or wrong answer. Perhaps my issues go beyond my frustrations with their religion!!!!!