Jealous girlfriend

LegacyUser

My boyfriend and I are living together and I am very much in love. There is something that has started to upset me and I want to know if the issues are my own insecurities or if I'm right to be upset. I went to bed early one night and my boyfriend was downstairs. When I woke at about 1am, I went downstairs for a glass of water. I noticed the laptop light was still on so I went to turn it off properly. My boyfriend has his Facebook left open on a girls photo. The girl was wearing a bikini and posing suggestively. He has many girls as friends on Facebook who constantly upload sexual selfies of themselves. My heart sank when I saw he had been looking at this photo and when I clicked back, I saw that he had been looking at many photos of girls all dressed sexy. Is this normal for men? And if so, why do you men feel the need to look at hot girls when you have your own girl/wife? What is the point in looking?

Does it mean that he's not fully fulfilled with me? Is there something missing or is it normal for happily committed guys to lust after other girls? I have sex regularly with him and I would have no interest in looking up hot guys on Facebook so that's why I'm confused.
What bothered me most was that one of the girls he was looking at was a girl who caused issues in our relationship at the beginning. She is a friend he has on Facebook who was messaging in the past a bit and I got bothered by her because he never met her and it's clear from her photos that she's very slutty. He told me I was being insecure and he was only being polite responding to her and she is nothing to him. So it hurt to see he had been viewing her sexy photos, God knows how many times he does this if I only saw this once. Another girl was a friend of my friends who we met together one night. I thought I looked beautiful that night but I'm sad that he remembered her name and clearly fancied her enough to look her up. Is all this normal or should I deal with my insecurities and put it behind me? I'm afraid of ruining a perfectly happy relationship with my constant insecurities over these perhaps meaningless issues

Idle Passerby

Looking at photos is harmless in itself and not neccessarily anything to worry about. But I can understand why it's upsetting you though, particularly as chooses to look at suggestive pictures of girls online rather than join you in your shared bed. The fact that some of these girls have already caused issues in the relationship is also understandably upsetting.

I think you should speak to your boyfriend about your feelings, that it makes you feel insecure about his commitment to you. Ask if your worries have any grounding. Hopefully how he responds will give you an indication of whether it's just voyuerism towards attractive women or something more.

LLMMLL

Perfectly normal to lust after other people. You could be a supermodel with the perfect body and he'd still notice other women with great bodies. I think that's something you'll need to come to terms with.

The fact that this manifests itself as looking at people on facebook you both know is a little off. I can understand why this would drive your insecurities.

silverbolt

First off looking at other people whether male/female single/relationship whatever is perfectly normal. The harm is when someone (boh genders do this) goes past the looking.

Your insecurity on the other hand could be very damaging if you dont get it under control. no one wants to feel like they are under constant scrutiny.

Secondly - just because he got talking to someone else on a night out does not mean that he didnt find you beautiful.

That being said, voice your concerns to him. Especially when one of these women is causing issues in your relationship. Not in a "im an insecure mes because you looked at a photo" but in a "these are my concerns" way

Smondie

Looking at other girls, fine. Looking at other girls he knows is where i'd draw the line. FB seems to distort reality and pouring over pictures of people you know in bikinis is borderline perv. I think you are correct to have an issue with his behaviour. he couldn't even close the thing down properly, he must have been otherwise distracted, if you know what I mean. I wouldn't be too happy at all if my partner was downstairs doing whatever to pictures of other girls when his real life partner is above in the bed.

retro:electro

Where was he when you went down to get water?

LegacyUser

This is obviously very upsetting for you. I don't know, I even felt upset for you reading it. This whole 'it's only your insecurities, woman up and deal with it' doesn't wash tbh. Why wasn't he in bed with you rather than doing that? It is as the above poster said borderline pervy and creepy. I don't think it's normal in a loving relationship, he wouldn't do that while you were there or ever tell you he was doing it that's for absolute definite so it's something that he really shouldn't be doing and you're feeling hurt very understandably.

Don't ask the question is there any other guys out there doing it, because there will be, ask yourself if that's the kind of guy you will be completely happy with, who creeps on Facebook girls bikini and scantily clad pics, while his loving gf is not around. It's a major turn off. I know you don't want to make it an issue in an otherwise good relationship, but don't bury your head in the sand either.

Augme

Just becase you're in a relationship doesn't suddenly mean you stop being attracted to everyone but your partner. Sexual urges for other people is perfectly normal human behaviour.

LegacyUser

I've a feeling that the males will be all its just looking or even getting off on the pics and who cares who it is, and the females will be more 'that's kind of creepy' etc. The issue is do guys not feel 'pervy', or out of line or a bit guilty and weird looking at women they know in a sexual way? and if so then why do it? Is your gf never going to be enough, and does it not make you feel a bit uneasy and that you've been a bit unfaithful somewhat in that way of thinking and acting by trawling through all those photos, unbeknownst to her. You know your own girlfriend would never do the same. I really don't think it's something every guy will do. And I think the OP is quite rightly upset.

Sound Bite

I don't think you can judge this in isolation - you have to look at your entire relationship, if everything else is fine, then it's probably a non issue. If there are other issues in the relationship, I'd look at this differently.

just because someone is in a relationship, it doesn't mean they go blind. It doesn't mean they are never attracted to anyone else. It doesn't mean they can't or don't appreciate a pretty face or a good body. It also doesn't mean that by doing so that they love you any less.

If you have a solid relationship, you should be able to comfortably be able to bring it up in conversation if it's something that's bothering you.

CloudCumulus

Tell him you recently saw a photo of one of the girls he was looking at and she looked like a right sluh.
I hate people who put pictures like that on facebook. To be honest he's probably with you because you're classier than that. Many men would have a look at the women who do that but wouldn't be tempted to go near them.

Lavinia

something here just does not feel right, and perhaps you feel it too..

if he makes you feel that way - i'm not sure i could call that relationship "perfectly happy".. spec as he is "blaming you" for feeling the way you do, instead trying to understand you.. i mean also does this happen often? it seems as it effected your trust...

maybe you have your own insecurities - who does not have them, but if your partner is making them worse instead better then idk... are you sure he is a good partner for you?

i'm just asking because not to see you few years down the road feeling empty inside and heartbroken...

SB_Part2

I think I get where you are coming from OP. If he was looking up random girls, fair enough but if he's looking up pictures of girls he's friends with I'd be a bit upset to.

LegacyUser

someoldusername wrote: »

I've a feeling that the males will be all its just looking or even getting off on the pics and who cares who it is, and the females will be more 'that's kind of creepy' etc. The issue is do guys not feel 'pervy', or out of line or a bit guilty and weird looking at women they know in a sexual way?

Sorry I'm female and I don't see anything wrong with the BF looking at pictures of other women - I've often commented to my husband about one particular actor I find very hot and he's also made comments about the attractiveness of other women in photos or films and sometimes I've even agreed with him as to the hotness of said women cus I can appreciate the physical appearance of someone without it meaning anything more. We both understand the difference between appreciating the beauty of a human body, and finding it attractive or maybe even sexually arousing, and a romantic desire for a person. People have eyes and they see can see beauty around them and look at it without it meaning anything deeper. I find it hard to believe the OP never watches a film or tv show or sees a singer or ad in a magazine and doesn't ever go wow that guy is good looking. The OP is trying to reason because it's facebook it's different but it's really not, it's all just media.

SB_Part2

can't log in wrote: »

Sorry I'm female and I don't see anything wrong with the BF looking at pictures of other women - I've often commented to my husband about one particular actor I find very hot and he's also made comments about the attractiveness of other women in photos or films and sometimes I've even agreed with him as to the hotness of said women cus I can appreciate the physical appearance of someone without it meaning anything more. We both understand the difference between appreciating the beauty of a human body, and finding it attractive or maybe even sexually arousing, and a romantic desire for a person. People have eyes and they see can see beauty around them and look at it without it meaning anything deeper. I find it hard to believe the OP never watches a film or tv show or sees a singer or ad in a magazine and doesn't ever go wow that guy is good looking. The OP is trying to reason because it's facebook it's different but it's really not, it's all just media.

Would you talk to your husband about lets say, a work colleague he was friends with on facebook?

LegacyUser

The issue is not that a person in a relationship can't see another person is attractive, that's a given, it's the act of hiding out downstairs perving through pics of people he knows on his Facebook and getting turned on by them, instead of being with his gf in their bed. That's a whole different thing.

retro:electro

There's seeing someone on tv or a magazine and saying they're hot, even checking someone out walking down the street, those are all normal in a relationship and nothing to wave the red flag over. However, what the op describes is her boyfriend looking at suggestive pictures of people she knows, in particular a girl who has some history with the couple; all while his girlfriend lay upstairs in bed. I don't see how anyone here would be okay with their partner looking at half naked pics of people they knew on Facebook at 1am in the morning? I think they're deluding themselves if they think that's normal or acceptable.
This does not fall under the same category as "you don't stop finding people attractive once you're in a relationship", sure, you don't, and if someone hot walked into a bar I'd probably look at them and think he's hot and then get on with my business. The difference here is the op's boyfriend was actively seeking out suggestive pictures of other women to look at while his girlfriend lay upstairs in bed, and that's just wrong.

Smondie

Take it off FB. It's the difference between finding porn mags vs finding photographs of people you know.

Augme

anna080 wrote: »

There's seeing someone on tv or a magazine and saying they're hot, even checking someone out walking down the street, those are all normal in a relationship and nothing to wave the red flag over. However, what the op describes is her boyfriend looking at suggestive pictures of people she knows, in particular a girl who has some history with the couple; all while his girlfriend lay upstairs in bed. I don't see how anyone here would be okay with their partner looking at half naked pics of people they knew on Facebook at 1am in the morning? I think they're deluding themselves if they think that's normal or acceptable.
This does not fall under the same category as "you don't stop finding people attractive once you're in a relationship", sure, you don't, and if someone hot walked into a bar I'd probably look at them and think he's hot and then get on with my business. The difference here is the op's boyfriend was actively seeking out suggestive pictures of other women to look at while his girlfriend lay upstairs in bed, and that's just wrong.

At the end of the day there are somethings you just don't want your partner to find out, and this is one of them. The boyfriend is definitely guilty of being stupid for getting caught and that's where the problem lies. I do think it's very common for guys to have fantasies about people they know, whether it's friends of friends, work colleagues or your even your girlfriends friends. I'd be pretty shocked to discover a guy who has never done this.

LegacyUser

Augme wrote: »

At the end of the day there are somethings you just don't want your partner to find out, and this is one of them. The boyfriend is definitely guilty of being stupid for getting caught and that's where the problem lies. I do think it's very common for guys to have fantasies about people they know, whether it's friends of friends, work colleagues or your even your girlfriends friends. I'd be pretty shocked to discover a guy who has never done this.

Really?? Does it not make you feel really weird?? You're not with them, you're with your girlfriend. They may be hot but there's just some places you know you don't want the mind to go. It's just weird. People you don't know fine, people you do, there's a line. How does it not make you feel confused about who you really want? And therefore unhappy with who you are with, someone who does not fulfil you sexually.
I think the OP should talk to her be and tell him she finds it unsettling.

leggo

With past girlfriends I'd usually have an open avenue to talk about or creep on anyone (same with them). We'd discuss other people we knew that we fancied and so on. It goes without saying that there was nothing in this.

I don't think I could be with someone where we played the "I only have eyes for youuuuu" game. That's not real life. We're naturally attracted to others whether we're being monogamous (whether you know them in real life or not), it's not something you can just switch off, so to me pretending that you're not is unhealthy because I'd much rather someone I was with say "oh this guy is hot" to me than think it and pretend they didn't.

When you commit to and love someone it goes way beyond base attraction anyway, so them checking someone out isn't a big deal.

SB_Part2

SB_Part2 wrote: »

I think I get where you are coming from OP. If he was looking up random girls, fair enough but if he's looking up pictures of girls he's friends with I'd be a bit upset to.

I would agree except for the fact that:

Jealous girlfriend wrote: »

What bothered me most was that one of the girls he was looking at was a girl who caused issues in our relationship at the beginning. She is a friend he has on Facebook who was messaging in the past a bit and I got bothered by her because he never met her and it's clear from her photos that she's very slutty. He told me I was being insecure and he was only being polite responding to her and she is nothing to him. So it hurt to see he had been viewing her sexy photos

The boyfriend is looking at sexy photos of a woman he has never met and is only FB friends with her.

Jealous girlfriend wrote: »

My heart sank when I saw he had been looking at this photo and when I clicked back, I saw that he had been looking at many photos of girls all dressed sexy. Is this normal for men? And if so, why do you men feel the need to look at hot girls when you have your own girl/wife? What is the point in looking?

Yes, it is normal for men and for women.

OP this girl didn't cause issues in your relationship at the beginning, you had an issue with your boyfriend looking at sexy photos of strangers and this is still the issue.

I personally wouldn't have an issue with it and I think it's unrealistic of you to expect him to never enjoy a sexy photo anymore.

LegacyUser

I know this isn't going to sound cool and maybe I'm a bit of a sap but being very honest most the time I am so uninterested in anyone else I can't even muster up the energy to say the words oh he's hot, because I just do not care. Im in love with my partner, and that's not saying there aren't other attractive people I just don't want anyone else sexually, physically, in any way and I am totally happy being like that. It's not saying that ' I've only eyes for you forever and always blah blah' it doesn't even need declaration it's just a natural aversion to seeing anyone else in that light, as it would feel wrong or something.

Now that may be the exception but it's also a way of being that a lot of people strive for, to find that someone that makes them no longer want anyone else, and there's nothing wrong with that. Surely men have felt like this?
I just think the fact the OPs boyf did what he did was a bit too far the other way, and if he does think like that he should be honest with her of she brings it up. That's where the hurt wil happen, if you act like you only have eyes for someone, but that's far from the truth.

Smondie

leggo wrote: »

With past girlfriends I'd usually have an open avenue to talk about or creep on anyone (same with them). We'd discuss other people we knew that we fancied and so on. It goes without saying that there was nothing in this.

I don't think I could be with someone where we played the "I only have eyes for youuuuu" game. That's not real life. We're naturally attracted to others whether we're being monogamous (whether you know them in real life or not), it's not something you can just switch off, so to me pretending that you're not is unhealthy because I'd much rather someone I was with say "oh this guy is hot" to me than think it and pretend they didn't.

When you commit to and love someone it goes way beyond base attraction anyway, so them checking someone out isn't a big deal.

Past girlfriends...so they are all exes? Hmmm, I wonder if perving on people you know could be a contributing factor to the ex part.

SB_Part2

Deleted User wrote: »

I would agree except for the fact that:



The boyfriend is looking at sexy photos of a woman he has never met and is only FB friends with her.



Yes, it is normal for men and for women.

OP this girl didn't cause issues in your relationship at the beginning, you had an issue with your boyfriend looking at sexy photos of strangers and this is still the issue.

I personally wouldn't have an issue with it and I think it's unrealistic of you to expect him to never enjoy a sexy photo anymore.

TBH I think that's even worse.
He's got a girl on facebook that puts up sexy pictures that he doesn't even know? Why is he friends with her if he never met her? Just so he can look at her pics?

SB_Part2

SB_Part2 wrote: »

TBH I think that's even worse.
He's got a girl on facebook that puts up sexy pictures that he doesn't even know? Why is he friends with her if he never met her? Just so he can look at her pics?

Yes, that's exactly why he's "friends" with her.

For a lot of people, FB is like any other medium ... a way of garnering publicity/attention and/or making money. There are plenty of "sexy women" pages. It's not the intimate relationship networking tool that many (including myself) use it for.

So for me, this situation is no different than him looking at a magazine or watching porn.

This "woman" probably has thousands of "friends" and, in reality, is possibly a fat baldy guy in Russia.

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Money-Using-Facebook

SB_Part2

Deleted User wrote: »

Yes, that's exactly why he's "friends" with her.

For a lot of people, FB is like any other medium ... a way of garnering publicity/attention and/or making money. There are plenty of "sexy women" pages. It's not the intimate relationship networking tool that many (including myself) use it for.

So for me, this situation is no different than him looking at a magazine or watching porn.

This "woman" probably has thousands of "friends" and, in reality, is possibly a fat baldy guy in Russia.

http://www.wikihow.com/Make-Money-Using-Facebook

OR

She could be someone he was chatting to on a dating site before he met his current gf. There's no way to tell.

I'm well aware that people do look up stuff like that on facebook but I find it highly inappropriate. One of the reasons I broke up with my ex was he was looking up these girls on facebook and accidentally liked one of their pictures for me, his friends, my friends, his family and my family to see. It's pretty pathetic.

Lavinia

I think it is one thing if you have an open agreement with your partner that stuff like that is acceptable and understood, and totally other if you are doing that behind your partners back (and when you're caught then blaming them for their insecurities on top of it).
The other "kind" is what is wrong with this world.

Jealous girlfriend

So we've gone from:

Jealous girlfriend wrote: »

She is a friend he has on Facebook who ... he never met

to:

SB_Part2 wrote: »

girls he's friends with

and now we're at:

SB_Part2 wrote: »

She could be someone he was chatting to on a dating site before he met his current gf

SB_Part2 wrote: »

There's no way to tell.

There really isn't, it's up to the OP to clarify. I'm just pointing out that he isn't looking at girls he or she are friends with in real life or someone who has actively caused them relationship problems.

Whether or not this is a deal breaker for the OP is up to her.

SB_Part2

Deleted User wrote: »

So we've gone from:


to:


and now we're at:




There really isn't, it's up to the OP to clarify. I'm just pointing out that he isn't looking at girls he or she are friends with in real life or someone who has actively caused them relationship problems.

Whether or not this is a deal breaker for the OP is up to her.

Well, to be fair, you claimed it was someone who's trying to make money. So if you can jump to a conclusion, so can I.

SB_Part2

SB_Part2 wrote: »

Well, to be fair, you claimed it was someone who's trying to make money. So if you can jump to a conclusion, so can I.

No I didn't, I originally said I would normally agree with you but had to point out the inaccuracy of you saying that he's looking at photos of girls he's friends with. What hurt her "the most" was him looking at photos of a girl he's never even met.

Since then I've been addressing YOUR problems with the fact that he's "got a girl on facebook that puts up sexy pictures that he doesn't even know?" which you seem to think is even worse than perving on pictures of his friends.

Obviously this has hit close to home for you and I'm sorry about that but, unless he does something stupid like your ex, I don't see the big deal here.

MeatTwoVeg

I think you should dump him and find a bloke that doesn't like looking at pictures of scantily clad women on the internet.

Best of luck with that.

SB_Part2

Deleted User wrote: »

Obviously this has hit close to home for you and I'm sorry about that but, unless he does something stupid like your ex, I don't see the big deal here.

It's obviously a big deal to the OP, hence the thread.

SB_Part2

SB_Part2 wrote: »

It's obviously a big deal to the OP, hence the thread.

Sigh. She's asking for opinions on whether or not it's a big deal and if she's being insecure.

Jealous girlfriend wrote: »

I'm afraid of ruining a perfectly happy relationship with my constant insecurities over these perhaps meaningless issues

I've given her my opinion and don't see the need to discuss this further with you.

Augme

someoldusername wrote: »

Really?? Does it not make you feel really weird?? You're not with them, you're with your girlfriend. They may be hot but there's just some places you know you don't want the mind to go. It's just weird. People you don't know fine, people you do, there's a line. How does it not make you feel confused about who you really want? And therefore unhappy with who you are with, someone who does not fulfil you sexually.
I think the OP should talk to her be and tell him she finds it unsettling.

No, being sexually attracted to people certainly doesn't make me feel weird. As for being confused about who you really want, seriously? Being sexually attracted to someone doesn't mean you want a relationship with them. Being sexually attracted to someone doesn't mean you aren't sexually fulfilled. I find that an odd way of thinking.

LegacyUser

Augme wrote: »

No, being sexually attracted to people certainly doesn't make me feel weird. As for being confused about who you really want, seriously? Being sexually attracted to someone doesn't mean you want a relationship with them. Being sexually attracted to someone doesn't mean you aren't sexually fulfilled. I find that an odd way of thinking.

Ok, that's fine, so I presume you are bluntly honest about that to your girlfriend, because if there's absolutely nothing wrong with thinking about them in that way, and relish in fantasising about them, for sure when you first meet your girlfriends friends, sisters etc, make sure you don't hesitate to say this to her and explain you find her really sexy and will be thinking about her when you, you know.. And if you don't do that then why not? if there's absolutely nothing wrong or hurtful in it? You should be absolutely truthful, if it's so innocent. Go ahead pleasure yourself to them beside your girlfriend in bed. If an action is fine then you should never hide it. The truth is its not a normal thing to do, no amount of excusing it makes it nice or sound thing to do.

Lavinia

Augme wrote: »

No, being sexually attracted to people certainly doesn't make me feel weird. As for being confused about who you really want, seriously? Being sexually attracted to someone doesn't mean you want a relationship with them. Being sexually attracted to someone doesn't mean you aren't sexually fulfilled. I find that an odd way of thinking.

If you are honest about it with your partner and they are okay with it then fine.

But if you are not honest and doing things behind partner's back then you are just a cheater. Whichever form the cheating takes.

It is really simple as that.

leggo

Smondie wrote: »

Past girlfriends...so they are all exes? Hmmm, I wonder if perving on people you know could be a contributing factor to the ex part.

Not at all, I broke up with most of them myself and the one who broke up with me had very clear, defined reasons and later asked for me back so...

It's healthy to be able to have open, honest conversations about anything with your partner, they'd have them with me too. Have you never heard of 'allowed lists'? I'd find it a bit needy and intense if a partner needed to be the only person on the planet I found attractive.

Smondie

leggo wrote: »

Smondie wrote: »

Past girlfriends...so they are all exes? Hmmm, I wonder if perving on people you know could be a contributing factor to the ex part.

Not at all, I broke up with most of them myself and the one who broke up with me had very clear, defined reasons and later asked for me back so...

It's healthy to be able to have open, honest conversations about anything with your partner, they'd have them with me too. Have you never heard of 'allowed lists'? I'd find it a bit needy and intense if a partner needed to be the only person on the planet I found attractive.

Yes I agree is healthy to be able to discuss things. Yes i've heard of allowed lists, popularized by the friends sitcom. The idea of them is people who you have no chance of ever meeting, not people you are conversing with on Facebook. it would be bad form if your girlfriends sister and her mother were on your allowed list. Or can they, and you are allowed to sleep with them ?

There is a difference between finding someone attractive and pouring over pictures of people you know in bikinis and being too busy to shut down the laptop.

Just because people have an issue with thier partner perving on people in bikinis on Facebook does not make them intense or needy.

Who said it was expected that they can only ever find one person attractive at any one time? I think you know the distinction being made.

Augme

someoldusername wrote: »

Ok, that's fine, so I presume you are bluntly honest about that to your girlfriend, because if there's absolutely nothing wrong with thinking about them in that way, and relish in fantasising about them, for sure when you first meet your girlfriends friends, sisters etc, make sure you don't hesitate to say this to her and explain you find her really sexy and will be thinking about her when you, you know.. And if you don't do that then why not? if there's absolutely nothing wrong or hurtful in it? You should be absolutely truthful, if it's so innocent. Go ahead pleasure yourself to them beside your girlfriend in bed. If an action is fine then you should never hide it. The truth is its not a normal thing to do, no amount of excusing it makes it nice or sound thing to do.

My partners have never ask me what I fantasize about and I don't have any desires to share it. Similar how I don't go into detail about the kind of ****s I take when I go to the toilet.

LegacyUser

Augme wrote: »

My partners have never ask me what I fantasize about and I don't have any desires to share it. Similar how I don't go into detail about the kind of ****s I take when I go to the toilet.

Slight difference I think? One is natural bodily function. The other is not, a good relationship should be open about fantasies, and those can be incorporated into your sex life. I would have no problem whatsoever with talking about natural bodily functions, it's totally healthy and important to discuss these if needed, if I need to go get something in the bathroom while he's on the toilet I will run in and do so to be honest! Won't hang around mind you, but there is nothing to hide there is there? We both know what's happening, I'm not going to be hurt by knowing he s**ts!! So your analogy just doesn't even nearly compare. Bottom line (no pun intended) is thinking like that about your gfs friends and keeping it from her, because you know she would be very hurt, is wrong basically.

leggo

Smondie wrote: »

Yes I agree is healthy to be able to discuss things. Yes i've heard of allowed lists, popularized by the friends sitcom. The idea of them is people who you have no chance of ever meeting, not people you are conversing with on Facebook. it would be bad form if your girlfriends sister and her mother were on your allowed list. Or can they, and you are allowed to sleep with them ?

There is a difference between finding someone attractive and pouring over pictures of people you know in bikinis and being too busy to shut down the laptop.

Just because people have an issue with thier partner perving on people in bikinis on Facebook does not make them intense or needy.

Who said it was expected that they can only ever find one person attractive at any one time? I think you know the distinction being made.

Obviously it'd be bad form to have relatives on allowed lists, I'm merely giving an example of how couples talk openly about finding other people attractive. And simple logic dictates that if you find celebrities attractive, it's not because they're celebrities, but because people find other people attractive even when they're in a relationship. You'd be a fool to think you can just switch that off. It's not as if that's an indication of dissatisfaction with the relationship, or a 'wandering eye', it's just that you can look at someone and go "Yeah they're hot." I've had two-way conversations with girls about what friends, of theirs and mine, we thought were and weren't attractive. And if you're secure in your relationship and trust your partner, it's just an interesting conversation like you'd have with any of your friends.

I don't think the OP is needy or intense here. You're putting words in my mouth now. I understand her concern and how that would be jarring to find and raise doubts. I'm simply saying that if I was with a girl and she thought she was the only person in the world I found attractive and was angry I wasn't, it'd feel needy, therefore it's perfectly natural for people to do so and not something the OP should worry about. In fact it can push people away when your unfounded doubts about something completely natural take over whereas you can instead use it to open a new door filled with more honesty and security by accepting the reality of the situation and going with it.

Maybe she'll learn about other things he's attracted to or that turn him on and can accommodate. Maybe she'll learn some uncomfortable things that lead the relationship to break down. But she would've learned those sooner or later anyway if that's the case. Nobody learns anything, though, if she goes in all guns blazing and attacking her boyfriend over something relatively harmless, he'll get on the defensive and the whole experience will only teach him to cover his tracks better and validate him keeping this stuff from her to begin with, in his mind.

Like I said, I'd trust a girl more if she told me honestly if she found someone attractive. Being dishonest, even about uncomfortable subjects, doesn't inspire trust and security. One of my time-honoured truths in a relationship is that an uncomfortable truth is better than a pleasant-sounding lie. I firmly believe that.

LegacyUser

leggo wrote: »

Obviously it'd be bad form to have relatives on allowed lists, I'm merely giving an example of how couples talk openly about finding other people attractive. And simple logic dictates that if you find celebrities attractive, it's not because they're celebrities, but because people find other people attractive even when they're in a relationship. You'd be a fool to think you can just switch that off. It's not as if that's an indication of dissatisfaction with the relationship, or a 'wandering eye', it's just that you can look at someone and go "Yeah they're hot." I've had two-way conversations with girls about what friends, of theirs and mine, we thought were and weren't attractive. And if you're secure in your relationship and trust your partner, it's just an interesting conversation like you'd have with any of your friends.

I don't think the OP is needy or intense here. You're putting words in my mouth now. I understand her concern and how that would be jarring to find and raise doubts. I'm simply saying that if I was with a girl and she thought she was the only person in the world I found attractive and was angry I wasn't, it'd feel needy, therefore it's perfectly natural for people to do so and not something the OP should worry about. In fact it can push people away when your unfounded doubts about something completely natural take over whereas you can instead use it to open a new door filled with more honesty and security by accepting the reality of the situation and going with it.

Maybe she'll learn about other things he's attracted to or that turn him on and can accommodate. Maybe she'll learn some uncomfortable things that lead the relationship to break down. But she would've learned those sooner or later anyway if that's the case. Nobody learns anything, though, if she goes in all guns blazing and attacking her boyfriend over something relatively harmless, he'll get on the defensive and the whole experience will only teach him to cover his tracks better and validate him keeping this stuff from her to begin with, in his mind.

Like I said, I'd trust a girl more if she told me honestly if she found someone attractive. Being dishonest, even about uncomfortable subjects, doesn't inspire trust and security. One of my time-honoured truths in a relationship is that an uncomfortable truth is better than a pleasant-sounding lie. I firmly believe that.

Again, it doesn't seem to be sinking in here, it is unanimously accepted here and in general that yes if in a relationship you of course can find others attractive!! And why not comment if you want on someone, or have that discussion on who you think is hot.

The difference here, is the hiding out away from your OH and looking through photo after photo when she's not around, in order to get turned on, that act in itself is wrong! That is where the line is, because it's acting in some way on it, taking it to far and going into weird and creeper territory, which is fundamentally damaging to a loving relationship and very off putting!

Olishi4

leggo wrote: »

It's healthy to be able to have open, honest conversations about anything with your partner, they'd have them with me too. Have you never heard of 'allowed lists'? I'd find it a bit needy and intense if a partner needed to be the only person on the planet I found attractive.

I wouldn't find it needy for someone to keep some possibly awkward or confusing fantasies to themself. Some things you just don't need to share.

It's a bit like the cliche where someone says someone elses name while they are in bed with another person. You can fantasize about who you want but you don't start screaming their name.

Being open and honest by going on about how attractive, you find some woman that you were previously messaging on Facebook or telling your gf that you find that friend of a friend you met the other night so sexy would be healthy in your opinion? Really? That would be a complete turn off. Or telling her that when shes in bed, you go downstairs and gaze at pictures of her on the internet? Is that something you are saying you think would be healthy? Even though everyone knows people are attracted to other people, it's not something you want to sit down and have deep conversations about.

The issue here I would have OP is why Facebook? Of all the porn and more revealing or similar sexy pictures to choose from on the internet. The only difference with looking at these women on fb is that there has been some real interaction so I assume that is part of the appeal. That may just be enough and he has no intention of actually pursuing anything further though which I think probably is the case. I think you should say it, tell him that it is very insensitive to leave stuff like that lying around.

Like thinking of this in the opposite way and imagining OP takes the time to print off a picture of her fellas best friend and her fella comes up to the room to find her lying there staring longingly at the picture?? C'mon it would be a bit upsetting not to mention creep you out a bit.

leggo

Yeah it's very easy to give ridiculous examples to suit a point. Obviously there are some things that are inappropriate, in relationships as in life. At no stage have I said it's okay to say someone else's name in bed (you've actually suggested I have here, this is all in writing so if you want to argue that then please quote me directly on what I do say and not make up words to put in my mouth, that's extremely rude). I'm not saying walk in the door and say, "honey I masturbated about your mother last night!" I'm not saying to bring up your fantasy about being beaten by a sock puppet over dinner. And yet you're arguing as if I have.

I'm saying that it's delusional and a bit needy to want a relationship where you're the only person in the world your partner is attracted to and that people in open, trusting relationships can even talk about other people being attractive at times without one or both going into a jealous rage based only around their own insecurities. That's all. Relationships don't exist to validate your insecurities, it's unhealthy to ever rely on the opinion of others to prop up your entire self-esteem, nobody but you should ever be responsible for that.

Olishi4

leggo wrote: »

Yeah it's very easy to give ridiculous examples to suit a point. Obviously there are some things that are inappropriate, in relationships as in life. At no stage have I said it's okay to say someone else's name in bed (you've actually suggested I have here, this is all in writing so if you want to argue that then please quote me directly on what I do say and not make up words to put in my mouth, that's extremely rude). I'm not saying walk in the door and say, "honey I masturbated about your mother last night!" I'm not saying to bring up your fantasy about being beaten by a sock puppet over dinner. And yet you're arguing as if I have.

I'm saying that it's delusional and a bit needy to want a relationship where you're the only person in the world your partner is attracted to and that people in open, trusting relationships can even talk about other people being attractive at times without one or both going into a jealous rage based only around their own insecurities. That's all. Relationships don't exist to validate your insecurities, it's unhealthy to ever rely on the opinion of others to prop up your entire self-esteem, nobody but you should ever be responsible for that.

I didnt put words in your mouth, or suggest you said that. I am simply giving examples of similar issues to the op that could arise in a relationship where open and complete honesty is not the best policy which you seemed to claim was. I was also giving examples to show similar inappropriate situations.

I'm sure Op gets that people are attracted to other people, everybody knows this, you can tell that from her post that she is trying to see this from a logical perspective so your advice to her is unrelated to her situation where her bf has insensitively and inconsiderately put her in an awkward situation where it would be only natural to be confused and feel jealousy. She is only human and I think your advice could be read in a way that may make her or other posters think her feelings are unjustified which and from the examples I have given, is justified and a completely natural way to feel in her situation.

Yellow pack crisps

Is the real problem here your sex life? or lack of it? I think thats an important question to ask to judge this scenario as people you meet on Fb are not really friends in the traditional sense of the word.