Non - Catholic Wedding = Unhappy Catholic Parents

BlueLagoon1

Myself and my fiancée have recently got engaged after five years together and are planning a non-religious ceremony. We were both raised as Catholics in the West of Ireland by Catholic parents. Growing up and making up our own minds separately we have both become disillusioned with the Catholic Church and we do not feel it reflects our beliefs.

Neither of us attend mass regularly and we believe it would be dishonest to both us and practicing Catholics to go with tradition and use the Church for our ceremony.

We have decided we do not wish to raise our family (should we be lucky enough to have one) as Catholic. We firmly believe that our parents had a choice to choose our religion and now we as adults have the right to choose what is best for us as our own family unit.

We recently told our parents we would not be having a church wedding but rather a humanist ceremony. Both mothers were totally unhappy - one has said she will not attend the ceremony and will not see our marriage as 'real'. The other is more concerned about what others will think and is acting as if we are being rebellious children.

I am so hurt by their reaction and I am now finding it difficult to be excited about marrying the love of my life. It feels as if the two of the people who are supposed to care the most about us are choosing religion over their children.

This has got to be happening more and more in Ireland and I am wondering if anyone is experiencing this same hurtful reaction. Has anyone got any advice for this difficult time?

looksee

Of course your families are going to be unhappy about your decision - they are Catholics and whether they believe in god, cannot see past tradition, or simply cannot cope with what 'other people will think', you are showing that you reject the basis on which they raised you.

However the most striking paragraph is the one that reads

I am so hurt by their reaction and I am now finding it difficult to be excited about marrying the love of my life. It feels as if the two of the people who are supposed to care the most about us are choosing religion over their children.

Really? Your need for your parents' approval is greater than your love for your future husband? And if you look at the second sentence, it could be argued that your mothers are not so much choosing religion over their children, as wanting what they see as best for their children.

For now, just stop discussing it with them, go ahead with your plans, if you are asked just calmly reiterate that the wedding is going ahead. And hope that they will come round. If they don't come round and you allow this to stop your wedding, then maybe the relationship is not as strong as it should be. Don't row with them, don't be the cause of family break up, and give them a bit of time to digest the idea.

Lisha

Like it or not you are probably the first offspring of your parents peers to go down the humanist route, especially for a first marriage.
You and your fiancée have made your decision, and your families will have to put on their grown up knickers and wish you well.
Put it this way how would you feel if your fiancé asked you to alter your plAns to satisfy his/her parents, his would you feel?

Best of luck with you wedding and more importantly with your marriage .

macchoille

Push comes to the shove I can't see the Mammies actually missing the wedding. End of the day your wedding is your wedding and not your respective mother's. You are both adults now and as such are free to make your own decisions.

CPTM

BlueLagoon1 wrote:

We recently told our parents we would not be having a church wedding but rather a humanist ceremony. Both mothers were totally unhappy - one has said she will not attend the ceremony and will not see our marriage as 'real'. The other is more concerned about what others will think and is acting as if we are being rebellious children.

I feel for you Op, this hasn't happened me but has happened a number of my friends alright. Normally it's the result of the parent having a picture in their head for so long and not being happy that the reality is a bit different. When all the planning started, and invites were out, and a bit of time passed, it seemed they accepted what was happening and supported it in the end. Maybe give them a bit of time and they might come around?

looksee wrote:

Really? Your need for your parents' approval is greater than your love for your future husband?

Was curious how you knew a husband was in question here and not a wife! I feel like there was a clue in the original post and I can't find it - I feel like it's staring me in the face and I can't see it!

looksee

Yes, you are right - fiancee in the first sentence. Answer still stands though (with wife instead of husband ).

robindch

BlueLagoon1 wrote: »

We recently told our parents we would not be having a church wedding but rather a humanist ceremony. Both mothers were totally unhappy - one has said she will not attend the ceremony and will not see our marriage as 'real'. The other is more concerned about what others will think and is acting as if we are being rebellious children.

Both reactions are unhappy common - personally, I'd recommend you be as polite, but insistent, as possible and that you both do exactly whatever you both want to do - it's your day not theirs, its your relationship not theirs and its your commitments to each other, not theirs. It's quite likely that they'll come around in time anyway, especially as the day draws near and the hats and cakes need to be bought.

Letting slip on this one may also encourage them to think that they can get gain other concessions in times to come by applying similar pressure - and the forum is rife with stories about mothers and mothers-in-law exerting unhelpful religious pressure about baptisms, schools, first communion and so on.

BTW, my family's had one elderly female relative threaten not to go to any more non-catholic weddings in the family and nobody's all that worried - especially given her behavior at the most recent wedding a few weeks back where she showed up, burst into tears in the church when she saw who was taking communion, then caused major ructions at the wedding dinner by accusing other rellies of being "blasphemers" who "sleep around with whoever they want to" - she's unlikely to be invited for anything more than a bag of chips.

The best of luck with the day and everything!

Hotblack Desiato

robindch wrote: »

BTW, my family's had one elderly female relative threaten not to go to any more non-catholic weddings in the family and nobody's all that worried - especially given her behavior at the most recent wedding a few weeks back where she showed up, burst into tears in the church when she saw who was taking communion, then caused major ructions at the wedding dinner by accusing other rellies of being "blasphemers" who "sleep around with whoever they want to" - she's unlikely to be invited for anything more than a bag of chips.

:pac:
Can you explain the bolded bit - is there a certain priest she regards as not draconian enough for her tastes, or is it that persons 'living in sin' were availing of the holy crackers?

lazygal

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

:pac:
Can you explain the bolded bit - is there a certain priest she regards as not draconian enough for her tastes, or is it that persons 'living in sin' were availing of the holy crackers?

You're supposed to be in a state of grace to receive communion so maybe she was wondering why people who aren't were partaking of the sacrament.

Hotblack Desiato

Yeah probably, but 'taking communion' could possibly mean doling them out - similar to 'Father Feehily is taking confession today'.

looksee

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

:pac:
Can you explain the bolded bit - is there a certain priest she regards as not draconian enough for her tastes, or is it that persons 'living in sin' were availing of the holy crackers?

The priest would be giving, serving or offering the host, not 'taking communion' in the sense of, say, 'taking a service'. The communicants 'take comunion'.

Help!!!!

Whats the difference between a humanist ceremony & a civil wedding?

mfceiling

The sooner the whole church nonsense dies away the better.

Oul ones with a bee in their bonnet about mass, the priest, the communion and everything in between. Go on with themselves.

It's your choice OP...feck everyone else.

*if you are a practicing Catholic and you want the whole church ceremony then the very best of luck to you...if you don't then please let the rest of us do as we want without making a song and dance about it*

looksee

Whats the difference between a humanist ceremony & a civil wedding?

A civil wedding is the way of describing the legal stuff that goes on in a registry office. A humanist ceremony is the same legal stuff dressed up with some humanist type talk and ceremony, in much the same way that a religious ceremony is the legal stuff dressed up with religious type talk and ceremony.

An Claidheamh

The difference is civil ceremonies are for people who just want to be married.

Humanist ones are for fad followers who make childish snide remarks about symbolic age-old Catholic ceremonies..... and then hypocritically invoke the same stuff in a Humanist ceremony.

Not noting the irony.

Help!!!!

looksee wrote: »

A civil wedding is the way of describing the legal stuff that goes on in a registry office. A humanist ceremony is the same legal stuff dressed up with some humanist type talk and ceremony, in much the same way that a religious ceremony is the legal stuff dressed up with religious type talk and ceremony.

Maybe the OP would be better going for a civil wedding instead then. There are some great venues around the country that will do civil weddings

An Claidheamh

mfceiling wrote: »

The sooner the whole church nonsense dies away the better.

Oul ones with a bee in their bonnet about mass, the priest, the communion and everything in between. Go on with themselves.

It's your choice OP...feck everyone else.

*if you are a practicing Catholic and you want the whole church ceremony then the very best of luck to you...if you don't then please let the rest of us do as we want without making a song and dance about it*

I hate to break it to you and the O P but Humanist ceremonies are the whole Church ceremony!.... People just won't accept that. You can spot a pretentious hipster by the way they give out about "stupid this and that" and then have no problem with it at their ceremony.

Are they even practicing humanists?....
Of course not!

Booking a hotel and having a civil ceremony is just not good enough for the Celtic cubs.

marienbad

Hi OP

Just go with what is best for you and your partner , the parents will come round pretty soon . Just don't force it with them - be firm though and avoid discussions on your decision . It is made -end of . Discuss all ye want on arrangements etc but the decision itself is done

I was at a Naming ceremony instead of a Christening recently and initially the same old reservations were trotted out , but at the end of the day everyone was there and loving it .

Good luck on the big day

catbear

Went away to get married as I'd always been adamant that a RCC wedding was a no go. However mother in law is a staunch RCC (thinks clerical child abuse is a media invention) so the compromise was we went to Malta, civil service which was perfect and had party back home. Mother in law is frail so we knew she wouldn't travel.

Had a few photos taken there in what looked like an RCC church, worked a treat.

I'll burn in hell undoubtably for my deception, along with all the media who invented child sex abuse stories.

Placid_Casual

An Claidheamh wrote: »

I hate to break it to you and the O P but Humanist ceremonies are the whole Church ceremony!.... People just won't accept that. You can spot a pretentious hipster by the way they give out about "stupid this and that" and then have no problem with it at their ceremony.

Are they even practicing humanists?....
Of course not!

Booking a hotel and having a civil ceremony is just not good enough for the Celtic cubs.

Except they're not, as there's no mention of God or religion allowed in Humanist ceremonies. Although, much of the ceremony may be the same besides that (you basically write your own ceremony), the absence of any religious element is kind of the point
And there's absolutely zero requirement to be a "practicing humanist", whatever that actually is, to have a humanist ceremony.

Also, you can't have a regular civil ceremony on Saturdays which is when many people actually want to have their wedding.

In response to the OP, all I can offer is my sympathy. We are having a Humanist ceremony for our wedding but fortunately haven't had any negative reaction from either family.

robindch

Hotblack Desiato wrote: »

robindch wrote: »

[...] she showed up, burst into tears in the church when she saw who was taking communion, [...]

Can you explain the bolded bit - is there a certain priest she regards as not draconian enough for her tastes, or is it that persons 'living in sin' were availing of the holy crackers?

The second. Some (partially-catholic) rellies from the USA had flown in and showed up at the mass and she dissolved into tears, shoulders heaving a little bit theatrically, tears running down her face, when she saw they were heading up for crackers despite them "sleeping around" with their long-term partners in the hotel the previous evening. After mass, she went up and gave the priest a piece of her mind - he hadn't denounced such behaviour from the pulpit in fiery terms, or indeed, at all. And had instead, rather wisely I thought, declined, with thanks, the invitation to the wedding dinner.

In all honesty, it was a fairly sad performance, only to be outdone a few hours later by the theatricals over dinner, and the only sharp edges on what was otherwise a rather wonderful day.

FutureGuy

There are two people that matter here. you and your fiancée.

Do what makes you both happy. If someone doesn't turn up because of that, then it's a reflection on them.

lazygal

An Claidheamh wrote: »

I hate to break it to you and the O P but Humanist ceremonies are the whole Church ceremony!.... People just won't accept that. You can spot a pretentious hipster by the way they give out about "stupid this and that" and then have no problem with it at their ceremony.

Are they even practicing humanists?....
Of course not!

Booking a hotel and having a civil ceremony is just not good enough for the Celtic cubs.

I hate to break it to you, but I think you're a bit misinformed.
We had a humanist ceremony, we are members of HAI and there was no religion whatseover, we even passed over a number of suggested readings that had references to blessings or pagan and spiritual woo we're not into at all. I don't think we're pretentious hipsters either, we just wanted a ceremony we could have that truely represented us. The civil ceremony we did the week before was fine, although the celebrant got my husband's name wrong during the vows and the setting in Grand Canal Dock was not very attractive.
There is no way to 'practice' humanism at all. It isn't trying to replace religion or ape it, it simply is what it is.

fits

We had this issue with our parents. Just give them time but let them know its not up for discussion.

toptom

robindch wrote: »

The second. Some (partially-catholic) rellies from the USA had flown in and showed up at the mass and she dissolved into tears, shoulders heaving a little bit theatrically, tears running down her face, when she saw they were heading up for crackers despite them "sleeping around" with their long-term partners in the hotel the previous evening. After mass, she went up and gave the priest a piece of her mind - he hadn't denounced such behaviour from the pulpit in fiery terms, or indeed, at all. And had instead, rather wisely I thought, declined, with thanks, the invitation to the wedding dinner.

In all honesty, it was a fairly sad performance, only to be outdone a few hours later by the theatricals over dinner, and the only sharp edges on what was otherwise a rather wonderful day.

Maybe the poor woman has just had enough of the tomfoolery and disrespect given to the church nowadays.

looksee

toptom wrote: »

Maybe the poor woman has just had enough of the tomfoolery and disrespect given to the church nowadays.

No, it was attention seeking - one of those people who cannot bear to have other people the centre of attention.

jackboy

OP, keep in mind that your parents were brainwashed as children and throughout their youth by the RCC. This isn't their fault and they are unlikely to change at this point.

Hotblack Desiato

An Claidheamh wrote: »

Are they even practicing humanists?....
Of course not!

Ooh - do tell what 'practicing humanists' do.

I'm not really into the 'humanist' label, but once the aliens among us make themselves known, by default we'll all be humanists

<.<

>.>


:pac:

lazygal wrote: »

The civil ceremony we did the week before was fine, although the celebrant got my husband's name wrong during the vows and the setting in Grand Canal Dock was not very attractive.

The former is unfortunate, but also common enough in RC ceremonies...

The latter I have to disagree with, we got married just short of ten years ago in Grand Canal Street and we were perfectly happy with the venue, we'd checked it out before while making arrangements. No complaints from the predominantly RC grandparent generation either although there was at least one prod in attendance - my uncle - who had to run off with my mother's sister approx. 1970 to West Berlin to get married, caused a bit of scandal :pac: 'mixed marriage' :rolleyes: every marriage is mixed!

L.Jenkins

BlueLagoon1 wrote: »

This has got to be happening more and more in Ireland and I am wondering if anyone is experiencing this same hurtful reaction. Has anyone got any advice for this difficult time?

My Wife and I had a civil wedding ceremony, even at the objections of my own mother. It's your day and no one elses, whether your mother feels it will be a real marriage is besides the point, as it will be a real marriage in the eyes of the State.

Boom__Boom

BlueLagoon1 wrote: »

We recently told our parents we would not be having a church wedding but rather a humanist ceremony. Both mothers were totally unhappy - one has said she will not attend the ceremony and will not see our marriage as 'real'. The other is more concerned about what others will think and is acting as if we are being rebellious children.

BlueLagoon1 wrote: »

This has got to be happening more and more in Ireland and I am wondering if anyone is experiencing this same hurtful reaction. Has anyone got any advice for this difficult time?

I'd imagine you are right about it happening with lots of people - maybe point out that the percentage of non-Roman Catholic marriages in Ireland is pretty much 50% nowadays.

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=93249938&postcount=1

iguana

Help!!!! wrote: »

Maybe the OP would be better going for a civil wedding instead then. There are some great venues around the country that will do civil weddings

Pretty much the main difference that makes people go for a Humanist celebration, as far as I can tell, is that with a civil ceremony there are strict limits on when and where you can marry. It can only be performed in certain licensed venues. And it can only be Mon-Fri in most cases. A Humanist wedding has less restrictions, especially as most solemnisers work at weekends. It costs more but it allows couples to have a wedding ceremony that suits their wishes.