Contact with Ex - Who do I believe

LegacyUser

Hi there,

I'll keep this as brief as possible. Been with my bf over a year, some really good and some bad times. His ex gf has been a major bone of contention. I thought he was still hung up on her. Anyways we've had our ups and downs. But we're now at a point where we're trying to move forward and work on our lives together.

One major problem though, I ended up messaging his ex recently, long story, I was annoyed at how she spoke to him recently when he asked her to have no more contact as they're both in relationships. Hadn't been much contact, message sent was pretty innocent. Nonetheless I didn't want her contacting him after all the crap i've had to deal with because of her(I won't go in to all of that). She basically went off the deep end at some of the stuff he was saying about her and was telling me I knew nothing about what I was talking about, cursing him out, calling him every name under the sun. She's said that he messaged her after a trip when we were together which was devastating for me, not just because of a single message but because of what it signifies, him lying about several things. She also said, yeah "No mention of you". He swears blind she is lying, but yet i've asked him to ask her why is she trying to break us up and he just won't do it. He's making every excuse under the sun. I can't move on from this while I have this doubt in my mind, is it unreasonable that I think he should contact her and ask her why she'd lie, I mean if she's lying she's easily caught out. I don't even necessarily care so much about her reply, it's just his lack of reaction to this whole situation. She was also saying, he's acting like an ass but he's a good man and she wants to make right anything that she may have caused. Then telling me I deserved clarity and she was in the process of downloading all her deleted(though I don't think you can do that) and archive messages from FB to send them to me, she said numerous times she was going to send them and then blocked me instead.

Her messages to me were so confusing saying he's a nice guy, but he's acting weird and acting like an asshole, then saying she wanted to help make things right, then cursing him out of it, calling him every name going. Then calling me a nasty bitch for some of the things I said to her(I never once swore at her, just pointed out the way she treated him). His response to her was so calm, he did tell her her lies were greatly affecting our relationship. But she swears he's lying and called him nuts.

I just know if my ex tried to cause us to break up and it was hurting my bf I wouldn't be complacent. If it meant that much to them just to send one message there'd be no question. But it wouldn't matter because it's the first thing I would have done. Would it be a really bad idea to reach out to her again myself?

I'm so confused about this whole situation.

ibarelycare

Relationshipprobs wrote: »

Would it be a really bad idea to reach out to her again myself?

Yes. And it was a really bad idea to reach out to her again in the first place. Jesus so much drama, and you're only together a relatively short amount of time.

Take her out of the equation altogether. You and your bf's issues are between the two of you. You either believe him and trust him, or you don't. But these are issues for you and him to deal with, stop dragging his ex into it.

KikiDee

Hey OP,

I have to agree with IBC here. It was a bad call to reach out her to start with but, what's done is done.
Now you need to decide if you want/can to trust your bf. If you can't, then it's safe to say the best course of action would be to walk away from this.

What I will say, from personal experience, don't let this girls opinion of your fella cloud anything. She's his ex for a reason...

LegacyUser

KikiDee wrote: »

Hey OP,

What I will say, from personal experience, don't let this girls opinion of your fella cloud anything. She's his ex for a reason...

That's true, but she ended it. He says she cheated, she says she didn't. She actually was acting like she genuinely wanted to help and saying even though he's acting like a crazy person she has a lot of respect for him and wants to make things right. Asking me if I loved him, if I wanted to marry him, saying if I was the right girl for him she wanted to make anything she'd done wrong.

Then she was saying she thought I deserved clarity and would send on the messages, then saying she couldn't do it she couldn't hurt him. I said well I guess your bulls**iting otherwise you would have sent them. Then she blocked me. She got dragged in because he asked her not to contact, in a very respectful way and she was pretty bitchy about it.

He was very calm about his response to her, which is weird giving how she's treated him and how she was trying to now cause problems in her relationship. He actually tried to put the blame on me. I don't want anyone to get in to a battle of words, but this whole thing doesn't sit right with me.

HalloweenJack

She's trying to break you up. She's deliberately messing with your BF and now that she knows she's in your head, she's going to focus on you.

Do you know her? Why are you giving her so much credit? Especially after this:

Then telling me I deserved clarity and she was in the process of downloading all her deleted(though I don't think you can do that) and archive messages from FB to send them to me, she said numerous times she was going to send them and then blocked me instead.

Imo, you should be backing your BF and taking everything she says with a massive pinch of salt. I question the levels of trust you have in your relationship if you are so quick to believe something a spiteful ex is saying about your current BF.

Getting in touch with her was a big mistake but what's done is done. I think getting in touch with her again would be a terrible idea. She's just going to continue to lead you on a merry dance.

From my own experience, telling an obsessive ex to stop doesn't do anything, if anything it lets them know that their actions are actually having an effect and will most likely encourage them. I think him not doing anything is the best thing to do. Imo, you need to stand by your BF, it's his ex, not yours.

How would you feel if the roles were reveresed? If your ex was talking to him and undermining your relationship and your BF was being taken in by it?

JJayoo

So your boyfriend doesn't want to have contact with his ex but you are trying to force him to? You seem a bit obsessed with her

LegacyUser

HalloweenJack wrote: »

She's trying to break you up. She's deliberately messing with your BF and now that she knows she's in your head, she's going to focus on you.

Do you know her? Why are you giving her so much credit? Especially after this:


Imo, you should be backing your BF and taking everything she says with a massive pinch of salt. I question the levels of trust you have in your relationship if you are so quick to believe something a spiteful ex is saying about your current BF.

Getting in touch with her was a big mistake but what's done is done. I think getting in touch with her again would be a terrible idea. She's just going to continue to lead you on a merry dance.

From my own experience, telling an obsessive ex to stop doesn't do anything, if anything it lets them know that their actions are actually having an effect and will most likely encourage them. I think him not doing anything is the best thing to do. Imo, you need to stand by your BF, it's his ex, not yours.

How would you feel if the roles were reveresed? If your ex was talking to him and undermining your relationship and your BF was being taken in by it?

She hasn't been messing with him as such. Just a message a while back, but even that was too much. It was innocent in fairness.

Some things she said were true and my bf had lied, this is why i'm finding it hard. He lied about really stupid things too. Like saying "she never told me she loved me in person" and "i'm the only girl to tell him I loved him". Strange thing to lie about.

When I first contacted her, though i'll admit not a great idea. He said no one has ever stood up for me like that, I love you even more for that. Now he is letting her say these things. I don't care what her response is if he was to question her, just the fact he's hellbent on not doing that makes me question his motives.

If the shoe was on the other foot and I had lied to my partner in the past, I would be raging that my ex would say this and I would be more annoyed with him, than he is with her. It would hurt that my partner doubt me, but when the ex proved I was lying about one thing, I think I would have to understand and try my best to give my partner the reassurance they deserve.

LegacyUser

I'm not obsessed with her, but I don't feel like he's being 100% with me. He has dragged her in to our relationship by sharing too much information about aspects of their relationship and shutting me out of areas of his life because of how she treated him. I haven't put up with a year of working through things and tears because of this to then find out and accept oh but you know I still chat to her. It's totally unfair. Most girls would have walked a long time ago, but I thought we had something so I tried to stick around. Now I feel like he may be full of balony. It was okay for him to contact her when it suited him, I mean over 5 years on and he still had contact. So I don't think it's fair to say now i'm forcing him, when he believes she's trying to break us up.

njs030

She sounds very spiteful, perhaps he doesn't want to bring her further into your relationship and/or is worried that she will take the opportunity to lie and drive a wedge further between you.

Yes it was a bad idea to contact his ex, does he have children with her? If not my suggestion would be you both draw a line under it and neither of you contact her ever again.
Concentrate on your own relationship and leave her in the past where she belongs op.

LegacyUser

notjustsweet wrote: »

She sounds very spiteful, perhaps he doesn't want to bring her further into your relationship and/or is worried that she will take the opportunity to lie and drive a wedge further between you.

Yes it was a bad idea to contact his ex, does he have children with her? If not my suggestion would be you both draw a line under it and neither of you contact her ever again.
Concentrate on your own relationship and leave her in the past where she belongs op.

They don't have children together. She does have a child, but her bf ran off on her when she got pregnant. And she reached out to my ex when this happened, of all people. Feeling sorry for herself. She does work in the church and works in a care home, so I can't believe she could be so spiteful. She kept trying to tell me she's not a horrible person, she likes doing nice things for people. It's all very confusing. She kept saying things like be careful. I literally didn't know this side of him existed. Telling me he was harrassing her when they broke up. Calling him a stage 5 clinger, which is strange seen as she was still in contact over 5 years on!! She even told me how she'd been hurt before buy guys, been sexually abused, which shocked me that she would share that.

I've never been in a situation like this before.

SB_Part2

Absolutely no way should you contact her again. You should have known she'd lie to you when you contacted her. She's obviously not over him.

I think you need to just move on and get over this. I wouldn't be suspicious of your bf not wanting to message her. He doesn't want any more dealings with her. It doesn't matter what she says to his message you'll always want him to reply to her again or want to contact her yourself.

Big Bag of Chips

Why would you drag her into your life at all? Why would you then, after deciding she is trying to break you up, ask your boyfriend to contact her again? As already mentioned any problems you may have in your relationship are between you and your bf. Nothing whatsoever to do with a third party. He's the one in a relationship with you. He's the one you're in a relationship with. So, if he is contacting her/has contacted her in the past and lied about it, then your problem is him. Not her.

You're together a year and you say "some good times and some really bad times". A year isn't long enough to be having "really bad times", and if all this messing around and uncertainty is going on then you and your bf need to decide what to do (between you two). Whether or not he is/has been contacting her, he should now stop. Whether or not she tries to contact him after that should have no bearing on your relationship.

You can only move forward in a relationship as two. Bring a third person in and give them any sort of power or control and it will just blow up.

racso1975

Maybe he does not want to contact her because she's mad and if so there is no way it ends well.

Why would she disclose all those details about abuse and bad relationships to you?

Just stop contacting her. Block her and your boyfriend block her and move on.

Finally just cause somebody works in a church and a nursing home does not make them a nice person. Just look at all the scandals lately particularly in those 2 precise areas.

batmanrobin

OP, this problem is entirely of your making. Your bf told her to stop contact - it should have ended there regardless of whatever she said to him.

In your first post, you mentioned that one of the issues you two had was you thinking he was hung up on her. This seems to still be the underlying problem given you contacting her and the lack of trust in what he is telling you.

Was he long single when you two got together? Why can't you accept he wants to be with you?

Stop engaging with this woman. Block her and your bf should do the same. Both of you need to sit down and have a proper chat about things.

Big Bag of Chips

Relationshipprobs wrote: »

She does have a child, but her bf ran off on her when she got pregnant. And she reached out to my ex when this happened, of all people.....


She kept saying things like be careful. I literally didn't know this side of him existed. Telling me he was harrassing her when they broke up. Calling him a stage 5 clinger, which is strange seen as she was still in contact over 5 years on!!

If he was such a nightmare why did she contact him when her bf left her pregnant? Look, there's his version, her version and somewhere in the middle is the real truth. But she sounds like she loves a bit of drama. Why else would she share personal information that has nothing to do with your bf, or no bearing on your relationship.

Your bf might be glossing over details or minimising his part. I think, for the most part, fellas aren't into drama. I'd say he just wants to get on with things now, with you, without her. Forget about her. You have absolutely no reason to ever contact her. You've never met her. You're never likely to meet her, and you are willing to take her word on things over your bf's. I think your relationship has problems. And I think she's a handy scapegoat for them.

Tasden

Op I don't mean to be patronising but are you young? All three of you seem to be thriving on the drama despite it causing you heartache.
There is alot of trust issues and apparent lies about pretty juvenile things, so I can't see why you want to salvage this relationship.
As for you contacting her in the first place, highly inappropriate. And if the relationship was working you would not have felt the need to.

LegacyUser

I'd be washing my hands of this whole situation, OP......... And also questioning who the child's actual father is. I'm a cynic, so I'm looking at this with very suspicious eyes. Sorry if that makes it worse for you, but that's my two cents.

beks101

Relationshipprobs wrote: »

I'm not obsessed with her, but I don't feel like he's being 100% with me. He has dragged her in to our relationship by sharing too much information about aspects of their relationship and shutting me out of areas of his life because of how she treated him. I haven't put up with a year of working through things and tears because of this to then find out and accept oh but you know I still chat to her. It's totally unfair. Most girls would have walked a long time ago, but I thought we had something so I tried to stick around. Now I feel like he may be full of balony. It was okay for him to contact her when it suited him, I mean over 5 years on and he still had contact. So I don't think it's fair to say now i'm forcing him, when he believes she's trying to break us up.

There's your problem right there. You don't trust your boyfriend and are looking to his ex of all people for answers. Christ. What would you expect the ex to say, with that amount of baggage and bitterness between the two of them. She's hardly going to be endorsing him as Boyfriend of the Year and wishing you all the happiness in the world.

Honestly, it sounds like your boyfriend was never in the headspace to start up a new relationship with you in the first place, if he can't stop harping on about his ex all these years later. And it sounds like you're pathologically addicted to drama. This much angst and ire in the first year of a relationship should have had you running for the hills, not hounding his ex and obsessing over her every word.

LegacyUser

caitheamh wrote: »

I'd be washing my hands of this whole situation, OP......... And also questioning who the child's actual father is. I'm a cynic, so I'm looking at this with very suspicious eyes. Sorry if that makes it worse for you, but that's my two cents.

No she's actually said to me that she contacted him at a vulnerable time when she got pregnant. It was years after they broke up. Trust me, I had that suspicion myself.

SteM

caitheamh wrote: »

I'd be washing my hands of this whole situation, OP......... And also questioning who the child's actual father is. I'm a cynic, so I'm looking at this with very suspicious eyes. Sorry if that makes it worse for you, but that's my two cents.

Why would you say something like that when there's zero suggestion that the be is the child's father. Some people must watch too much Jeremy Kyle.

LegacyUser

Tasden wrote: »

Op I don't mean to be patronising but are you young? All three of you seem to be thriving on the drama despite it causing you heartache.
There is alot of trust issues and apparent lies about pretty juvenile things, so I can't see why you want to salvage this relationship.
As for you contacting her in the first place, highly inappropriate. And if the relationship was working you would not have felt the need to.

Well that is patronising. Just because this relationship isn't going great doesn't mean i'm young or love drama. I had a very healthy four year relationship which I walked away from because I wasn't in love with him. So I don't love drama. These things are not juvenille, leading your gf to believe there's still something there with your ex, making them feel insecure and hurting them because of it. That's not juvenille.

Thanks for the advise.

LegacyUser

beks101 wrote: »

There's your problem right there. You don't trust your boyfriend and are looking to his ex of all people for answers. Christ. What would you expect the ex to say, with that amount of baggage and bitterness between the two of them. She's hardly going to be endorsing him as Boyfriend of the Year and wishing you all the happiness in the world.

Honestly, it sounds like your boyfriend was never in the headspace to start up a new relationship with you in the first place, if he can't stop harping on about his ex all these years later. And it sounds like you're pathologically addicted to drama. This much angst and ire in the first year of a relationship should have had you running for the hills, not hounding his ex and obsessing over her every word.

Well this is the thing, he makes out she's satan and then makes out their just friends. You can't punish your gf based on your emotional baggage with your ex and then be like, oh no big deal we're just friends. She actually said he was kind to her, she has a lot of respect for him and she'd like to make right what she's done wrong.

I hate drama and I don't see how you'd jump to such a drastic conclusion based on one post.

LegacyUser

batmanrobin wrote: »

OP, this problem is entirely of your making. Your bf told her to stop contact - it should have ended there regardless of whatever she said to him.

In your first post, you mentioned that one of the issues you two had was you thinking he was hung up on her. This seems to still be the underlying problem given you contacting her and the lack of trust in what he is telling you.

Was he long single when you two got together? Why can't you accept he wants to be with you?

Stop engaging with this woman. Block her and your bf should do the same. Both of you need to sit down and have a proper chat about things.

They were broke up 5 years when we got together. If he didn't continuously lie about the situation it would be easier for me to trust him and move on.

Big Bag of Chips

You say IF he didn't lie.... Etc. But you know (think? I'm not sure I follow the thread properly, and you definitely know he's lying, or you're not sure whether he's lying, or his ex?) that he's lying to you, so now what?

Do you stick around arguing over it. Trying to change him? Trying to talk sense into his ex and ask her to not contact him anymore? I can't see how that would fix your problem. If he's in touch with her he's your problem. You need to put the onus on him to stop contacting her, not rely on her to not contact him.

If they've been in contact for 5 years since their breakup, then I don't think you can come in 5 years later and call a stop to it. If he wants to put a stop to it, it's up to him. If he doesn't you have to decide whether you can still be in a relationship with him while he is in contact with her.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You say IF he didn't lie.... Etc. But you know (think? I'm not sure I follow the thread properly, and you definitely know he's lying, or you're not sure whether he's lying, or his ex?) that he's lying to you, so now what?

Do you stick around arguing over it. Trying to change him? Trying to talk sense into his ex and ask her to not contact him anymore? I can't see how that would fix your problem. If he's in touch with her he's your problem. You need to put the onus on him to stop contacting her, not rely on her to not contact him.

If they've been in contact for 5 years since their breakup, then I don't think you can come in 5 years later and call a stop to it. If he wants to put a stop to it, it's up to him. If he doesn't you have to decide whether you can still be in a relationship with him while he is in contact with her.

He's lied to me previously is the point I was getting at. That's why this is so hard for me. I do believe he loves me very much. he messaged her a couple of weeks back saying they need to cut contacte etc which is how this whole thing kicked off. She'd sent him a FB message 6 months in to our relationship.

He made out she was terrible to him in the end that it killed him for ages after, he kept saying that she was harrassing him with friend requests and messages. That she would send him messages and he would just reply. But he says he hadn't been in touch until about 6/7 months previous to when we started dating. Then he says literally just before we got together and she's saying he messaged her when we were together.

If he didn't say one thing then another, it wouldn't be so confusing. I have put up with a lot from him based on the fact he was so hurt by her and insecure and scared. I mean a lot. Then he says what's the big deal, we were just friends and chatting, I haven't contacted her since we got together. Well yes it is big deal because of the crap he put me through because of her actions (apparently). To just fob it off like that it so damn hurtful

leggo

Look, just to echo what others have said here: she is not to blame in any of this. She's not a part of your relationship and has no duty to either of you. She may be cray cray and interfering, yes, but the onus is on your boyfriend to stay loyal to you.

There may be some psychological baggage left over from your boyfriend from how it ended with this one but that's not your problem. We all have baggage that we bring to a relationship. It's each individual's job to deal with their **** on their own time and give our partner 100%, otherwise don't be in a relationship.

You're making excuses for your bf here and rationalising his behaviour quite a lot when, if you want to, you can boil down your problems and make them quite simple. He lied, he's failed to sort out his ex drama, even with all of this going on it doesn't look like he's cleared this up fully (it's quite easy to cut all contact with people these days, alongside technology advances the ability to minimalise someone's ability to contact you has also advanced tremendously) and there lies your answer really. If I was you I'd ask for space and get away from him a while to process all of this, see if you doing so causes him to have any major 'cop-on' moments, and if it doesn't then do what needs to be done.

LegacyUser

leggo wrote: »

Look, just to echo what others have said here: she is not to blame in any of this. She's not a part of your relationship and has no duty to either of you. She may be cray cray and interfering, yes, but the onus is on your boyfriend to stay loyal to you.

There may be some psychological baggage left over from your boyfriend from how it ended with this one but that's not your problem. We all have baggage that we bring to a relationship. It's each individual's job to deal with their **** on their own time and give our partner 100%, otherwise don't be in a relationship.

You're making excuses for your bf here and rationalising his behaviour quite a lot when, if you want to, you can boil down your problems and make them quite simple. He lied, he's failed to sort out his ex drama, even with all of this going on it doesn't look like he's cleared this up fully (it's quite easy to cut all contact with people these days, alongside technology advances the ability to minimalise someone's ability to contact you has also advanced tremendously) and there lies your answer really. If I was you I'd ask for space and get away from him a while to process all of this, see if you doing so causes him to have any major 'cop-on' moments, and if it doesn't then do what needs to be done.

Yeah I guess your right, I let him away with a lot because of past hurts. I wasn't too long out of a four year relationship when I got with him and had some previous hurts, but I never used that as an excuse to hurt him. I do believe he loves me deeply and wants to build a life with me. But I still feel he isn't giving me the 100% truth. Like friends have said to me does what happened back then matter now. Some people may be okay with that, but if he has lied to me about certain things I think I deserve to know and decide if I want to pursue this relationship based on the truth.

LegacyUser

I've been reallly trying to give my bf the benefit of the doubt. I hope i'm not being a fool, but I love him so much. I know it's him and I in this relationship, but I have to take in to account some of the things she's said if they're causing doubts, though it's not her it's him I get that. She told my ex she was so happy when she heard he'd met someone and moved on even though she got in a strop and asked him why he was being so rude when he was the nice to her the last time they spoke. Then basically went on to say how it's too funny that he would contact her now to cut contact that she didn't even notice he hadn't responded to her last message. Really sounds like someone who is happy for him. I know I handled this situation badly and i'm responsible for my own actions, but if she hadn't of responded like this I never would have contacted her. She's basically acting like she's some sort of entitlement to be in contact with him. She also declared herself to me as a single mom even though she's in a relationship with the father of her child. She was more hellbent on proving to me that her and my bf loved each other very much than the fact she claims he contacted her while we're together. Like I wouldn't doubt that for a minute, of course they loved each other. My bf is saying he never really loved her that he never knew what love was until he met me. He shouldn't be saying these things either. I asked her about the message he supposedly sent her after his trip and she said why is that relevant? Then asked if that's where we met? I told her we met beforehand and she then tells me about how he definitely messaged her after and no mention of me. She was asking if I loved him? If I wanted to marry him? Telling myself and him how she wants to help then cursing him out of it. Why so cut up about someone cutting contact who is a stage 5 clinger and harrassed her according to her, why keep contact for that many years. Sorry for the essay i'm just really trying to gain perspective on all of this, it's taken its toll.

LegacyUser

Relationshipprobs wrote: »

I've been reallly trying to give my bf the benefit of the doubt. I hope i'm not being a fool, but I love him so much. I know it's him and I in this relationship, but I have to take in to account some of the things she's said if they're causing doubts, though it's not her it's him I get that. She told my ex she was so happy when she heard he'd met someone and moved on even though she got in a strop and asked him why he was being so rude when he was the nice to her the last time they spoke. Then basically went on to say how it's too funny that he would contact her now to cut contact that she didn't even notice he hadn't responded to her last message. Really sounds like someone who is happy for him. I know I handled this situation badly and i'm responsible for my own actions, but if she hadn't of responded like this I never would have contacted her. She's basically acting like she's some sort of entitlement to be in contact with him. She also declared herself to me as a single mom even though she's in a relationship with the father of her child. She was more hellbent on proving to me that her and my bf loved each other very much than the fact she claims he contacted her while we're together. Like I wouldn't doubt that for a minute, of course they loved each other. My bf is saying he never really loved her that he never knew what love was until he met me. He shouldn't be saying these things either. I asked her about the message he supposedly sent her after his trip and she said why is that relevant? Then asked if that's where we met? I told her we met beforehand and she then tells me about how he definitely messaged her after and no mention of me. She was asking if I loved him? If I wanted to marry him? Telling myself and him how she wants to help then cursing him out of it. Why so cut up about someone cutting contact who is a stage 5 clinger and harrassed her according to her, why keep contact for that many years. Sorry for the essay i'm just really trying to gain perspective on all of this, it's taken its toll.

I meant to say she told my bf, not my ex

Big Bag of Chips

You are giving her far too much head space. Your posts are confusing, and I'm not sure if it's because you're all over the place, or if it's because she's contradicting herself.

You have to decide, you either can't get over this, or, you want to make a real go of it with your bf. If you pick option 2, then like it or not you have to let this go. You'll drive yourself mad trying to figure out who said what, when and why.

You either draw a line now and move on with your bf with no more looking for answers on her. Or you decide it's too much for you.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You are giving her far too much head space. Your posts are confusing, and I'm not sure if it's because you're all over the place, or if it's because she's contradicting herself.

You have to decide, you either can't get over this, or, you want to make a real go of it with your bf. If you pick option 2, then like it or not you have to let this go. You'll drive yourself mad trying to figure out who said what, when and why.

You either draw a line now and move on with your bf with no more looking for answers on her. Or you decide it's too much for you.

It's because stories keep changing, and half of what she says doesn't make sense and half of what he says doesn't make sense. I'm trying to move past this and make a go of it with my bf but I need to understand why he lied to me about the stupid things he did. The stuff he did tell me was much more hurtful and inappropriate. So he says he was trying to protect me but that doesn't make any sense.

Big Bag of Chips

Relationshipprobs wrote: »

It's because stories keep changing, and half of what she says doesn't make sense and half of what he says doesn't make sense. I'm trying to move past this and make a go of it with my bf but I need to understand why he lied to me about the stupid things he did.

Are you still contacting her? If you are, stop. This is nothing to do with her. She is undoubtedly lying to you, embellishing stories, giving her version. You don't know her. You know nothing about her. She has no loyalty to you or history with you to "prove" anything. She may not be deliberately lying to you, as in she might not be deliberately trying to upset you, but her perspective on things that happened can and will be completely different to your bf's perspective on the same thing. It's just the way people are!

As for wanting to know WHY he lied... He gave you an answer. You may not believe it. You may think it doesn't make sense, but you either accept that at the time it made sense to him, or you don't accept it and continue the fight!

Really, if you want to move on from this, you have to move on. Otherwise you will drive yourself, and him, mad.

LegacyUser

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Are you still contacting her? If you are, stop. This is nothing to do with her. She is undoubtedly lying to you, embellishing stories, giving her version. You don't know her. You know nothing about her. She has no loyalty to you or history with you to "prove" anything. She may not be deliberately lying to you, as in she might not be deliberately trying to upset you, but her perspective on things that happened can and will be completely different to your bf's perspective on the same thing. It's just the way people are!

As for wanting to know WHY he lied... He gave you an answer. You may not believe it. You may think it doesn't make sense, but you either accept that at the time it made sense to him, or you don't accept it and continue the fight!

Really, if you want to move on from this, you have to move on. Otherwise you will drive yourself, and him, mad.

I haven't had any further contact with her, the only thing she's said that's annoying me is the fact my bf contacted her while we were together.

intheclouds

Im sorry to say this but you sound unhinged.

If I were contacted by the current girlfriend of an ex of mine Id think she was a nutjob.

Why on earth are you contacting her at all? Your relationship is with him. You either trust him or you dont and if you dont, youve no relationship.

LegacyUser

intheclouds wrote: »

Im sorry to say this but you sound unhinged.

If I were contacted by the current girlfriend of an ex of mine Id think she was a nutjob.

Why on earth are you contacting her at all? Your relationship is with him. You either trust him or you dont and if you dont, youve no relationship.

Well if said ex girlfriend freaked out because ex bf was in a long term relationship and wanted to cut contact I don't think she has the place to think anyone was a nutjob. Especially after making out he's a stage 5 clinger and harrassed her, now she's unhappy he wants to cut contact. I haven't contacted her at all since this one time. So unhinged is a bit extreme. But thanks for the advise

Idle Passerby

If your seriously looking to your partners ex for answers about your own current relationship then the relationship is already in trouble. Communication between you must be very poor if your asking third parties for explanations. If you can't work out problems between the two of you it's a bad sign.

LegacyUser

Idle Passerby wrote: »

If your seriously looking to your partners ex for answers about your own current relationship then the relationship is already in trouble. Communication between you must be very poor if your asking third parties for explanations. If you can't work out problems between the two of you it's a bad sign.

I didn't originally start out looking for answers, I was just so annoyed at how she spoke to him, especially after how much she's already hurt him.You're right communication has been a massive problem. But I found out the message she sent him about her bf leaving her in the lurch with a child and now she's a single mom, that was right before we got together. I thought it was when she was initially pregnant, a few years back. Maybe she has some bitter grapes that she's newly single and has a child to mind and her ex has now moved on and asked her to cut contact.

Tasden

Relationshipprobs wrote: »

I didn't originally start out looking for answers, I was just so annoyed at how she spoke to him, especially after how much she's already hurt him.You're right communication has been a massive problem. But I found out the message she sent him about her bf leaving her in the lurch with a child and now she's a single mom, that was right before we got together. I thought it was when she was initially pregnant, a few years back. Maybe she has some bitter grapes that she's newly single and has a child to mind and her ex has now moved on and asked her to cut contact.

Or she was opening up to someone who she is close to and needed some support. If ye weren't together at the time she sent it then she wasn't in the wrong. If he engaged in conversation with her at that time then she was not in the wrong for continuing contact/expecting it to continue, new relationship or not. Exes can be friends and offer each other support.

LegacyUser

Tasden wrote: »

Or she was opening up to someone who she is close to and needed some support. If ye weren't together at the time she sent it then she wasn't in the wrong. If he engaged in conversation with her at that time then she was not in the wrong for continuing contact/expecting it to continue, new relationship or not. Exes can be friends and offer each other support.

Yes but she also has no right to go off the deep end because he respectfully asked her to cut contact now that they're both in long term relationships, especially as he hadn't contacted her for 6 months and she contacts him out of the blue.

Yellow pack crisps

You are letting your own insecurities and your own self esteem issues destroy your relationship and who knows they might be justified or not but unless you get them under control it will turn you both into basket cases and ruin any happiness that exists in your relationship. It is so ridiculous that you contacted an Ex of your Bf to tell her to stay away. Thats controlling and abuse of your relationship and something i strongly suggest you seek help with.

Big Bag of Chips

Would you contact his boss if you didn't like the way he spoke to him? Or his mother? Or a fella in the pub?

He's a big boy he can fight, or not, his own battles.

You have trouble believing him. In a year long relationship you have problems with him. But it's easier to blame someone else for interfering because that removes the problem from your relationship and puts it on someone else. You cannot control the behaviour of outside people. So you cannot control whether she contacts him, or what she says. All that matters is how he handles it in the context of your relationship and how/if he takes your concerns on board.

If you're not happy with him and his behaviour, that's on him... Not her. So deal with him... Not her!

LegacyUser

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

. It is so ridiculous that you contacted an Ex of your Bf to tell her to stay away. Thats controlling and abuse of your relationship and something i strongly suggest you seek help with.

Think you misread my OP completely. I messaged her because I was disgusted with how she spoke to my oh. He was the one that messaged her to stay away, which is why she got peeved in the first place. My bf reckons no one has ever stood up for him like that before and that he loved that about me, so I don't see how it's controlling or abusive. It might not have been my best decision, but you haven't seen the hurt in my partners eyes because of this girl. He had to go to counselling because of her, which is why I was so annoyed about this whole thing.

intheclouds

Relationshipprobs wrote: »

Think you misread my OP completely. I messaged her because I was disgusted with how she spoke to my oh. He was the one that messaged her to stay away, which is why she got peeved in the first place. My bf reckons no one has ever stood up for him like that before and that he loved that about me, so I don't see how it's controlling or abusive. It might not have been my best decision, but you haven't seen the hurt in my partners eyes because of this girl. He had to go to counselling because of her, which is why I was so annoyed about this whole thing.

He will be going to counselling over you if you continue to behave in such a controlling way.

SB_Part2

Relationshipprobs wrote: »

Think you misread my OP completely. I messaged her because I was disgusted with how she spoke to my oh. He was the one that messaged her to stay away, which is why she got peeved in the first place. My bf reckons no one has ever stood up for him like that before and that he loved that about me, so I don't see how it's controlling or abusive. It might not have been my best decision, but you haven't seen the hurt in my partners eyes because of this girl. He had to go to counselling because of her, which is why I was so annoyed about this whole thing.

But it's none of your business. It's up to him. Why hasn't he changed his number? Deleted her off facebook etc?

Yellow pack crisps

Hadn't been much contact, message sent was pretty innocent. Nonetheless I didn't want her contacting him after all the crap i've had to deal with because of her


Best of luck in the future.

daisybelle2008

Yellow pack crisps wrote: »

Hadn't been much contact, message sent was pretty innocent. Nonetheless I didn't want her contacting him after all the crap i've had to deal with because of her


Best of luck in the future.

OP the reason you have ignored all the great advice is because you are not in a relationship with your boyfriend, you are in a competition with his ex for his affections. People telling you to remove her from the equation (sound advice) is not sinking in, because she is the biggest feature of your relationship since the beginning. You haven't got the answer YOU wanted here, which to make it about her, and you got powerful validation from your boyfriend 'for sticking up for him' when you did contact her.

Listen it's a dysfunctional mess, but you are wasting people's time here. You want to contact her and put her 'in her place', your boyfriend feels protected, she loves the attention and credit as a threat. I think you all are content with this dynamic and getting something from it. So I'd say knock yourself out, I've been around RI a while and I think there are sometimes volunteers not victims in these scenarios. People who actually want enable the drama more than they want peace. Why because they fear there is no strong foundation, the drama gives an illusion of emotion and justification. The relationship wouldn't work in peace.

So contact her, not because it's the right thing to do, but be honest it's because all three of you will get tremendous validation form it. He has two women fighting over him, she has you who thinks she is powerful threat (strokes her ego), you get a chance to slay the competition and finally win his affection from her (in theory)......

Big Bag of Chips

Excellent post by daisy... Read every sentence, because every sentence is spot on!

I'd also add, I'd say your boyfriend is happy enough to stand back and let the two women fight it out. Sure then all responsibility is off him to do anything. It's up to you to sort her out, and up to her to back off.

And he can just sit back and wait to see what you two decide between you.

Clever! (And cowardly!)

daisybelle2008

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Excellent post by daisy... Read every sentence, because every sentence is spot on!

I'd also add, I'd say your boyfriend is happy enough to stand back and let the two women fight it out. Sure then all responsibility is off him to do anything. It's up to you to sort her out, and up to her to back off.

And he can just sit back and wait to see what you two decide between you.

Clever! (And cowardly!)

BBOC, that is so true, in fact it's one of the biggest things, he doesn't give himself responsibility for being a good partner, sure the ex did the damage, he points the finger at her, not his fault :rolleyes:. Clever is right!

Big Bag of Chips

The ex did the damage, and his current girlfriend is proving how much she loves him by sorting it out.

He's sorted.

LegacyUser

SB_Part2 wrote: »

But it's none of your business. It's up to him. Why hasn't he changed his number? Deleted her off facebook etc?

He has deleted her off his Facebook and she doesn't have his number. All contact was on FB messenger

Big Bag of Chips

Why didn't he block her on FB Messenger?