Can't stand to see nephew successful.

LegacyUser

Hi, I'm a mid 50 year old, and i can't stand to see my nephew successful, after what happened to me during the recession. He is a 25 year old, who runs his own web development firm, and is making an absolute killing. The cars, property and clothes he buys make me so envious of the life I was so close to.

I'm a builder by trade, and the recession destroyed me. I build up a decent portfolio of houses throughout the 90's and early 00. I had about 10 properties. One was my house, the others were investments that i got relativly cheap, compared to today's market. My home was mortgage free, and only about 2 or 3 of the investments had mortgages. Life was good. As a lot of people did, tried to make a fortune during the boom. Me and 2 others build a multi-million euro mansion.

I mortgaged all my properties to get finance, this was around 2006. The cost at the end was around 2M to build. We were asking for 6M (almost got this, but signs of the recession caused aa buyer to pull out) and had to sell for 1.1M in 2010 to keep the banks off us. The other lads are out of it now, having sold land and property to clear there debt, one of the other lads has a construction company back making around 100K in profit a year now.

I had to sell/ loose most of my properties to cover my debt and all I have left is a big mortgage on my house now. I'm back down the bottom of the ladder, doing labouring work for 500 euro a week and bar work on the weekends. Me and my wife just about cover the mortgage and bills, but seeing my nephew succeed really pisses me off for some strange reason. If we built the house 2 years earlier, we would of sold it and never had to work again.

I invested 150K in bank shares at the height of the boom, and now there worth a fraction of that. About 5k.

Sorry for the rant, I just need to get it off my chest.

Katgurl

What are the good things in your life? You have a wife and home anyway. Don't they make you happy? What else is good?

Don't be envious of his youth and carefree potential - we all had it and it'll be gone for him too. You never know what is going to happen in his life. If he's happy now and on top of the world, be happy for him, these times won't last forever, they never do.

You don't know what would have happened with the house situation if it had been two years earlier. You might have had a horrific accident and been disfigured, your wife might have left you - extreme examples but you know what I mean.

There's no point being bitter and resentful. You'll miss the good stuff as it's happening and only realise when it's gone. Enjoy what you have. You're only in your 50's, that's loads of time for more happy experiences.

Full Marx

You got greedy and got stung. You gambled. You have to deal with the consequences and accept them. Take personal responsibility for your foolhardy business dealings and don't transfer your anger at your situation to your nephew. A large reason the recession happened was because of greedy, gambling developers. You've no right to be bitter to anyone.

And be thankful. You still have a house and your family... And a job. Many didn't make it through and many others are living in hotels.

On a personal level you need to learn and appreciate the things in life that are not material because these are the most important - things like family, health etc. So what if someone has more money, or nicer clothes? Jealousy is the worst and it's good you are trying to address it.

bonyn

If your nephew was 10 years older, he might now be up to his eyeballs in debt just for buying a family home - because of the greed of bankers, speculators, developers and how to put it nicely PEOPLE LIKE YOU.

As it is, he's a young man who works hard to buy stuff many of your generation took for granted.

You had it all, and it wasn't enough.

And ya know what, your nephew may not be taking home much more than Eur500 pw either. You don't know his circumstances, loans, etc. You're doing fairly well and it still isn't enough.

Perhaps your nephew looks at you and thinks, what a greedy sod. I'll be happy with what I've got, and spend my money on things that make me happy.

Bigus

In reality if you had of gotten the 6 m sale over the line ,
you in all likelihood would have leveraged this and gone again ,and maybe borrowed 12 m, so even from a financial point of view you are actually better off than you realise.
Plus you're not dead from jumping off a bridge.
Instead of being resentful of your nephew , partner up with him to do some development, he has the cash and needs to diversify and you have he skills and experience.

Big Bag of Chips

You are still young enough to reskill. You're obviously an intelligent, entrepreneurial man. Why not try a different direction? Why not try programming or web development yourself? Your nephew, like you, is enjoying a mixture of luck, timing and hard work.

It's ironic that you begrudge him all the things that you had for so long. Maybe your own family members were looking at you with similar eyes! You obviously were extremely successful, and that gave you a comfort and an idea of how life was going to be forever more. You're not the only one fell from a height. But your nephew is young. He's only starting out. He had no affect on or input into your situation whatsoever.

I'm sensing you are an angry man. You are angry at a lot of things/people and your nephew is just the closest personification of it all to you. So he's the one you're focusing on. You had what he now has, and lost it all. Maybe instead of begrudging him, you could advise him on exercising caution and not getting too far ahead of himself. Who knows, if you do change direction towards IT, he'd be a good contact to have in your corner.

porsche boy

Stop being envious of your nephew and put your energy into improving your position. Don't get so greedy this time.

listermint

Bigus wrote: »

In reality if you had of gotten the 6 m sale over the line ,
you in all likelihood would have leveraged this and gone again ,and maybe borrowed 12 m, so even from a financial point of view you are actually better off than you realise.
Plus you're not dead from jumping off a bridge.
Instead of being resentful of your nephew , partner up with him to do some development, he has the cash and needs to diversify and you have he skills and experience.

You are not wrong.

There is no end to the greed. It would been a case of hey look 2 mill isn't enough let's go again.

OP you are kidding yourself if you ever thought it would have ended there.

And hey from what I can see small Construction is booming.

If you have a good team and good references you can be churning out projects easily.

Kirk Van Houten

If your happiness can only be gauged in relation to your wealth versus others then I'm not sure you will ever be happy.
It seems you were in a good situation, wanted more and the gamble didn't pay off. Nothing to do with your nephew. Focus on your own life and what's good, forget about others.

JellieBabie

I'm pretty pissed off too OP. I'm currently in a job which has a 3 tier pay scale where even though I have a Master's degree and first class honours in my initial BA I will earn approximately 240,000 euro less over my lifetime than the person next door. The person next door does the exact same job as me and gets allowances for their degrees on top of their regular salary. They may not even have as many qualifications as I do but they still earn more. I don't get any allowances for my training and education - all because I graduated later when the recession had hit.

I may never get permanency and if I want to apply for a mortgage I'll be laughed out the door. This is a legacy i have unfortunately inherited from people like you OP who had it all and wanted even more and couldn't assuage their greed. Think about that for a minute. The actions you took lost you all your investments yes. But they also had a knock on effect overall for people like me and your nephew. He's bloody lucky to be doing so well in this climate after the **** up developers and banks made of this country. The rest of us are struggling pretty badly because of people like you.

beks101

If you don't deal with this issue you'll lose your relationship with your nephew and very likely draw a riff in the family.

Money is money is money. You gambled and lost, and still managed to come out OK. Be an uncle to your nephew instead of some green-eyed monster that brings nothing but bitterness and negativity to his life. Help him to learn from your mistakes.

And see the situation for what it is. A smart young lad taking initiative and doing great things with his life. Money comes and goes. Family don't.

Call me Al

Firstly thumbs up for owning up to your resentment and jealousy of your nephew.

I agree with another poster though. You seem to be a very angry man and I can't help but feel that if your negative emotions weren't directed at him right now it'd be someone else.
You need to refocus your perspective. All your focus on the "if onlys" and "i hads" in the world is of no help to you now. In fact I think it's causing you more pain than your nephew's success. That was then and this is now. If you don't deal with this negative energy, that is by the sound of things sucking the joy out of your life, then you're never going to be happy.
Be happy for your nephew. Wish him well. It'll make you feel better in and of yourself. You are going to have to consciously change your outlook or you will spend the rest of your life a deeply unhappy and bitter man.

Eta I agree with the sentiment about money coming and going. I've seen a family win the lotto and lose it all in time. That money caused them nothing but heartache and ended tragically for one. You really need to refocus your perspective.

eviltwin

Honestly OP I think you should be grateful for what you have. You haven't done too badly, some people have lost everything. It's not your nephew's fault you didn't make a fortune and while it's all going well for him now who knows what challenges he may face in years to come. I understand it's hard to look at what might have been but you need to get past it and focus on where you are. You have your home and family you're surviving. You're luckier than you realise.

TheAnalyst_

You should be bowing to your nephew. He's actually doing something and making a go of it. You were just another labourer that had the good fortune to be the right age and working during a ridiculous property/credit bubble. The 500 quid a week is more than you deserve tbh.

bonyn

TheAnalyst_ wrote: »

The 500 quid a week is more than you deserve tbh.

Bit harsh, but for all we know there's a strong element of poormouthing.. like, maybe it's a bit more than 500, maybe 500 is the take-home pay rather than the gross wage, maybe the pub hours are another 200 cash ... maybe the op doesn't have long hours or a crushing and expensive commute. There's a lot to be said about being grateful with what you've got- it can always get worse.

another36

Agree with everyone that has said be thankful for what you do have.

You took a huge risk it didn't pay off. That's life!
Move on! Being envious won't hurt anyone only yourself.

The recession has hurt a lot of people but you woke up this morning you have a home a job and a family.

Noo

This thread angers me. Its was the greedy bankers and lending and developers which lead to the recession which was NOTHING to do with your nephews generation, yet his generation have also had to deal with the consequences as well as your generation. I'm only a couple years older than your nephew and the recession hit when i was halfway through college. I spent months working unpaid and eventually was left with no choice but to emigrate, like the majority of my graduation class. Few have returned.

My granny has watched 5 of her 7 grandchildren over 18 have to leave. I know a mother who had to say goodbye to 6 of her 7 children, along with all her 10 grandchildren. Your nephew has done extremely well to be where he is given that state of the economy your generation has left for him.

You should stop being bitter and start being proud. You were sucessful during the boom, he has become successful in the recession your generation left for him. He deserves all the success he gets.

retro:electro

You're taking home €500 a week, some people would kill to be taking that wage home weekly. Be thankful you got out of your situation as well as you did. If you have your health and your family is still intact, then you've won. A lot of people/families didn't make it through situations akin to yours. You still sound like you have a lot of greed in you, the same greed that landed you in the mess you're now cleaning up after. You'd want to be careful you don't end up in another mess again.

Turtle_

OP you come across as a nasty piece of work. How dare you complain about what you earn, it's almost twice what I earn, and my earnings are so low because of people like YOU. Despite your best efforts to screw over my (and your nephews generation) he's doing well.
Shame on you.

December2012

If you are legitimately wondering how to stop feeling jealous of your nephew then that will require work and introspection.

Maybe it is because he has what you feel you don't - potential and time to make money.

he has the right skill set to find work now. You did in the boom.

I think you are angry at yourself and very uneasy with the choices you made financially and your nephew is your target.

So next time you find yourself feeling jealous of him you should immediately stop yourself and say "isn't it great that he is doing well. He is a credit to the family and I am happy for him".

Rekop dog

What you did was incredibly stupid, lacking an sort of risk awareness or business nous. You deserved everything that came to you. I'm sure your nephew has made far better decisions to get where he is now so you should try sponge as much information from him on running a sustainable business if you plan on another venture. He can be a great source of education for you.

Leafchick

'

Very honest post but it sounds like you're taking no personal responsibility and really at this point years later you need to take steps to try to get over this and look at the positives or you're going to spend the rest of your life being jealous and begrudging people you perceive to be better off than you.

I can understand posters anger towards you here because it's true that greed like what you showed is the reason that so many others who weren't greedy had to suffer also.

Loads of people have thoughts like "If I'd only done this during the boom or not done that then I'd be set up nicely" but really you will drive yourself crazy if you can't find a way to get over this.

I assume that's really what your rant is all about, trying to find a way to deal with it. Could you try something like CBT to try to focus on the positives rather than the negatives and to get over the obsessive what ifs?

evolving_doors

fustrated323043rf wrote: »

Hi, I'm a mid 50 year old, and i can't stand to see my nephew successful, after what happened to me during the recession. He is a 25 year old, who runs his own web development firm, and is making an absolute killing. The cars, property and clothes he buys make me so envious of the life I was so close to.

I'm a builder by trade, and the recession destroyed me. I build up a decent portfolio of houses throughout the 90's and early 00. I had about 10 properties. One was my house, the others were investments that i got relativly cheap, compared to today's market. My home was mortgage free, and only about 2 or 3 of the investments had mortgages. Life was good. As a lot of people did, tried to make a fortune during the boom. Me and 2 others build a multi-million euro mansion.

I mortgaged all my properties to get finance, this was around 2006. The cost at the end was around 2M to build. We were asking for 6M (almost got this, but signs of the recession caused aa buyer to pull out) and had to sell for 1.1M in 2010 to keep the banks off us. The other lads are out of it now, having sold land and property to clear there debt, one of the other lads has a construction company back making around 100K in profit a year now.

I had to sell/ loose most of my properties to cover my debt and all I have left is a big mortgage on my house now. I'm back down the bottom of the ladder, doing labouring work for 500 euro a week and bar work on the weekends. Me and my wife just about cover the mortgage and bills, but seeing my nephew succeed really pisses me off for some strange reason. If we built the house 2 years earlier, we would of sold it and never had to work again.

I invested 150K in bank shares at the height of the boom, and now there worth a fraction of that. About 5k.

Sorry for the rant, I just need to get it off my chest.

Grass is always greener op. I have a feeling if all your deals had paid off you'd have probably been enticed into a riskier investment to make more money etc.
You seem like an ambitious guy though, you might be able to spot a handy doerupper and go in with someone again!
You have a great gift working with your hands btw, I'd kill for the opportunity to be working around creating houses for people's lives rather than in IT like yer nephew.

Anyhow I kinda know how you feel, I was jealous of an acquaintance years ago, making a mint abroad etc. he got very sick and doesn't even recognise his wife or kids now, so really I realised you think other people have it so good but when they close their front door at the end of the day they can be wishing they were you.

Ursus Horribilis

There will always be people who seem to be doing better than you are. We all know them - the ones who are better looking, have more money, a nicer car, a better job etc. Even though your nephew's doing well at 25, there's no guarantee that his business won't go tits up in the future or he'll make bad investments. These things come and go.

What you'd be better off doing is focusing on your own life and seeing is there anything you can still do at this stage of your life to improve your lot. Have you ever gone for professional financial advice? Would you still be able to set up a new business of your own at this stage? Or as Gebgbegb has suggested, find a doer-upper. The property market seems to be slowly getting back onto its feet again after the crash so opportunities are still there.

myshirt

Op, I followed somewhat of a similar path to you. Had a successful enough time as a solicitor, dipped my toe in a few things just as you did and enjoyed life.

Recession hit.

Things were tough, was down to my last twenty grand at one stage, had to cut back the holidays from 3 to just 1, and had to sell my weekend car.

Totally changed my life and I retrained as a Chartered Accountant, on low wages. I say to you count your blessings and not your problems. Don't compare your chapter 16 to his Chapter 4. There are ups and downs in this life, you know that at 50. Keep moving and keep positive as best you can.

Clampdown

You have 2 jobs, a family, a house, and at least at one time had substantial money. Maybe try being grateful for those blessings instead of being envious of others.

Plenty of people hit by the recession now have none of those things and plenty never had them ever.

Wesser

myshirt wrote: »

Op, I followed somewhat of a similar path to you. Had a successful enough time as a solicitor, dipped my toe in a few things just as you did and enjoyed life.

Recession hit.

Things were tough, was down to my last twenty grand at one stage, had to cut back the holidays from 3 to just 1, and had to sell my weekend car.

Totally changed my life and I retrained as a Chartered Accountant, on low wages. I say to you count your blessings and not your problems. Don't compare your chapter 16 to his Chapter 4. There are ups and downs in this life, you know that at 50. Keep moving and keep positive as best you can.

This actually reads like a Ross o Carroll Kelly headline on the Irish times website.

LegacyUser

"Don't compare your chapter 16 to his Chapter 4."

Fantastic line.

I'm 33. A civil engineer (degree qualified) with a Masters.Lost my job in the recession after about 5 years in the job. Have only just -only just - managed to get back somewhere around the pay that I was on aged 27 (I'm still a bit short of it). It's barely the "average" salary, it's not in the same field, it's a dead end job and I'm at a complete loss as to what to do next (contract position). Kids have come, life has become more expensive and I need to earn more money but it's not going to happen in this field.

The flip side? I went into college from the LC in 2001. Construction was booming. IT was dead in the water. The dot.com bubble had burst not that long ago, we were all told not to touch IT with a barge pole. That was the message coming from everywhere. Didn't matter that much to me because I was always going to go to engineering, but still.

S&*t happens OP. I get bitter too - really bitter - but you know what, you have to keep going.I remind myself of what the headlines were 10 years ago on that stuff, today it's construction, tomorrow it could well be IT again. Plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose.

LegacyUser

Your friend setup a construction company with a profit of 100k per year, good for him.

You are a hard working builder for sure but I'm not seeing any business skills at all, not like your friend. You are a labourer who just got lucky at the right time, you gambled by leveraging and it worked a long while and then you lost.

Don't dwell on the luxury property because if you sold it you have continued to gamble and had an even more spectacular loss. That property wasn't "one last score", you were going to get burned sometime.

You have your family, your house and 500 per week is a tidy sum. Be grateful for what you have and let the jealously go.

By the way if your 25 year old nephew was 35 he'd probably be up to his eyeballs in debt for purchasing his first home while the likes of you had ten!

thegreatgonzo

fustrated323043rf wrote: »

Hi, I'm a mid 50 year old, and i can't stand to see my nephew successful, after what happened to me during the recession...If we built the house 2 years earlier, we would of sold it and never had to work again.

OP you really need a reality check. There are thousands and thousands of people in this country that have been affected by the recession who were unwitting bystanders in the collapse of the economy. I lost my job my job in the downturn, but I consider myself one of the lucky ones because I had the means to re-skill.
I'm earning a pittance now and working twice as hard. I would be laughed at if I tried to get a mortgage. Because I have to work long hours and live in a rural area I don't have much of a social life either. So you could even say OP that the recession has affected my chances of starting my own family while I'm still young enough. So if I were you I'd start counting my blessings and learning from my mistakes.

ted1

another36 wrote: »

The recession has hurt a lot of people but you woke up this morning you have a home a job and a family.

But for those that didn't take risks seems up picking up the tab for people like you