words said in anger

LegacyUser

Looking for some advice on whether I am completely over-reacting or tripping in my head.

I've been with boyfriend, well currently ex-boyfriend for 14 months. We met when I joined a bootcamp type thing to loose weight and he was the instructor. Was a bit of slow burner, he's ridiculously hot and I was struggling with self-image. Anyway I trained hard lost weight and re-gained some self confidence, a lot due to his encouragement. I'll never be stick thin, am a size 16, but think I look okay these days. Boy has always said he thinks I am stunning.
We had a huge fight (over the stupid world cup!) and it all got a bit nasty, culminating in him calling me a fat bitch. We made up, but I haven't been able to get over the fat bitch comment and have finished the relationship. We are both gutted, he says it was alcohol but I think he must think that and have an issue about it on some level. Am I insane to through away an otherwise very good relationship on this basis. I just can't seem to move past this..and am just miserable...as is he...

Eimee90

It's a hard one to call, I would be devastated too, it would really hurt me. But if everything is amazing bar this, is it possible he knew the words to hurt you and simply used them. If he was drunk, it's possible

Loveinapril

For me, there would be no coming back from something like that. I get that people say things when they are angry, but I am very clear with my use of language and could never excuse an insult like that. He thought it and chose to say it out loud to your face, drink or not.

LegacyUser

Loveinapril wrote: »

For me, there would be no coming back from something like that. I get that people say things when they are angry, but I am very clear with my use of language and could never excuse an insult like that. He thought it and chose to say it out loud to your face, drink or not.

I think that's the issue...I would never use words to hurt someone and didn't grow up in a family that did either. He's from a big family and they often have humdinger fights where all sorts of insults are thrown.
For me, it came from somewhere and he obviously thinks it on some level or why would he say it and if he thinks it why would he want to share his life with me. The insult that I hurled at him was that he was financially irresponsible, and I do think that...he thinks he is too! So that's why, although not a nice thing to say, I meant it.
Ironically...this heartbreak diet is working a treat and am dropping weight at a ferocious rate.

Emme

On one hand if he's a bootcamp instructor and is ridiculously hot he has the pick of the girls so he must really have liked you to have got together with you.

There are no excuses for him calling you a fat cow. It was totally out of order. However some men get very carried away with their football and the world cup to them is like the visit of Pope John Paul II to a bunch of Irish nuns. I dated a guy who totally lost the run of himself during a world cup. We were on a long anticipated holiday together and the most important thing for him was finding a pub to watch the matches. I might as well not have been there. We split up later but not over that.

Whether you get back with him or not it's important that you keep up your fitness. Find something you enjoy and stick at it. If it's bootcamp and you don't want to train with him find another group. It's really important for your self-confidence that you keep up your fitness and don't let what he said take away your confidence.

He would want to do an awful lot of apologising before you could consider taking him back.

DukeOfTheSharp

...he got drunk and called you a "fat bitch" over...the world cup? I...genuinely think you got out while the getting was good here OP, the lad is clearly unstable, because holy christ, that's not normal behavior. In the slightest. I mean, he can blame the drink all he likes, but, and I'm saying this to be helpful, not to be cruel: you've had confidence issues, and he used that against you. On instinct. Over something trivial. Knowing what it'd mean to you. And he did it with full knowledge of the situation because, and this is the truth; to him, you're a trophy. You're one of his accomplishments, HE helped you, HE encouraged you, but OP he didn't do the hard work, you got yourself into that bootcamp and you lost that weight. His job was to help. But obviously, from what he said, he didn't view you as a person, because if he did, he never would have considered saying that to you, ever, regardless of the circumstances.

Look OP, focus on yourself and forget about him, people like him are unstable, alcohol or no, and there's no guarantee that in actual, real arguments his reactions wouldn't escalate, perhaps to physical levels. Because a guy like this, with that level of temper and overreaction, is capable of anything. I don't think he's gutted for the same reasons you are OP, I think you had genuine feelings for him, but he seen you as something, not someone, whose sole purpose was to show off how great he was. You're not crazy for wanting out OP. I'd advise, however, to get some counselling because I don't think those confidence issues are sorted just yet, when you're considering yourself potentially 'crazy' for getting away from that sort of man.

The Pheasant2

I think your title hits the nail on the head - regardless of the cause of the fight, by the sound of things it was pretty heated and as you said it got nastier...I reckon with the alcohol on board too his brain just conjured something it knew would be extra offensive and he said it.

Now that absolutely does not absolve him. You're dead right to be furious - but if this was an otherwise great relationship and you're both missing each other, maybe you could try to forgive him. Give him one chance. Just one.

IvoryTower

Same as above poster

If the relationship is otherwise good and you love each other I wouldn't break up over something like that. Not even close to be honest.

Augme

Did you say nasty things to him OP?

fussyonion

My partner used to call me a fat bitch now and again in the midst of a blazing row but he admitted afterwards that he said it because he knew it would get me riled up.

Believe it or not, he's the nicest, most genuine, caring an kind guy you could ever hope to meet and treats me like a princess.

To meet him and be in his company, you could never imagine he'd ever say something so nasty, but when we'd make up, he'd be so apologetic and say "I shouldn't have said it, I'm so sorry. I knew it would annoy you that's all", and in fairness, I had said some pretty nasty things to him too.

My point is, OP, your boyf might have said it because he knows how sensitive you are about your weight, but if your relationship is great otherwise, I really wouldn't be ending it over things said in the heat of the moment.

cazzer22

To me that's inexcusable. He obviously knows if you're in the Bootcamp and you're trying to tone up you're probably aware of trying to eat healthier and feel better in yourself. He OF ALL PEOPLE should know how hurtful comments like that can be really damaging to someone's self-esteem. I went through a similar thing in the past where horrible comments were used against me in drink fuelled arguments and drink was used as an excuse. For me, it would be a deal breaker but then again it's down to how you feel personally.
Don't take it lightly. If he's capable of saying that (drink or no drink) it may be an indication of what's to come. Take care.

enzo roco

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

...he got drunk and called you a "fat bitch" over...the world cup? I...genuinely think you got out while the getting was good here OP, the lad is clearly unstable, because holy christ, that's not normal behavior.

Hold on there.
We dont know the full story. We dont know what she said. We dont know how they were arguing over the world cup. Was this in 2014 or something? We dont know did she say something about his appearance.
The op is not full of details. Your post is way over the top as we dont know anything.

enzo roco

Loveinapril wrote: »

For me, there would be no coming back from something like that. I get that people say things when they are angry, but I am very clear with my use of language and could never excuse an insult like that. He thought it and chose to say it out loud to your face, drink or not.

But we dont know what she said, do you think he just called her a fat bitch because of the world cup, a football debate??? This does not make sense.
He called her a fat bitch because of a fight they had. And its he said/she said.

Advise like, "there would be no coming back from something like that" is just plain wrong when you dont know the details.

sadie1502

It's unacceptable. End of. He knew what he was doing when he said that. He set out to hurt you. And he achieved that. When things get that personal I think you need to sit down and talk about it. I think there are rules in arguments getting personal and dragging family into it is out of bounds. It's obvious he thinks he can say what he wants. You need to nip it now. I'm not saying finish it but I'm saying sit down and tell him this is out of bounds one more move like that and its game over. Set your boundaries and stick to it.

DukeOfTheSharp

enzo roco wrote: »

Hold on there.
We dont know the full story. We dont know what she said. We dont know how they were arguing over the world cup. Was this in 2014 or something? We dont know did she say something about his appearance.
The op is not full of details. Your post is way over the top as we dont know anything.

Oh for god's sake! I'll never understand this kind of reaction. What does it matter what she said? Re-read what you've just written and re-read the OP's post. If you think my post is over the top, then some perspective is necessary here, because what logical reason would someone, with intimate knowledge of the OP's confidence issues and struggles, have for using an insult that cutting and personal over - and I'm going to highlight this - the freaking world cup? No matter how you look at it, the context is this: OP and lad got into an argument (for which he was drunk?) over the world cup and he decided to call her a "fat bitch" having been there when she was losing the weight and lacked confidence because of it. Nothing about this screams stable human being to me, nor should it to the OP. I mean, the subject matter is a non-issue for an argument to begin with, for it to escalate to deeply personal insults? Nope, doesn't make a lick of sense. I've been in many heated arguments before, but I've never taken something someone has struggled with and thrown it back in their face.

Estrellita

Drink is not, and never will be a valid excuse for an attack on someones physical appearance. In fact, it could have the potential to get a lot worse. In the beginning of a relationship a guy called me a fat bitch in heated rows while he was drunk. I won't go into detail other than to say he became physically abusive because verbal wasn't hurting me enough anymore. You hear fat bitch often enough it's like water off a ducks back. He was always sorry of course, it was the drink etc etc. He is now my Ex husband.

I'm not saying your boyfriend (or ex) would ever go that far, but if I could shake the hell out of a younger me the minute he said that I would. It was the beginning of the break down of my self esteem that rendered me trapped with an absolute b@stard for years. I'm so glad I got rid of him, I'm with an absolute angel now.

There's no come back for calling you a fat bitch, I don't care how hot he is. You need someone that will respect you and treat you right.

Loveinapril

enzo roco wrote: »

But we dont know what she said, do you think he just called her a fat bitch because of the world cup, a football debate??? This does not make sense.
He called her a fat bitch because of a fight they had. And its he said/she said.

Advise like, "there would be no coming back from something like that" is just plain wrong when you dont know the details.

If the OP is in a toxic relationship where name calling is the norm, then maybe they could get passed it until the next row. I was giving my opinion which is that I would never allow ANYONE to insult me like that. I have more self esteem than to allow someone to abuse me like that. It shows a complete lack of respect.

Estrellita

enzo roco wrote: »

But we dont know what she said, do you think he just called her a fat bitch because of the world cup, a football debate??? This does not make sense.
He called her a fat bitch because of a fight they had. And its he said/she said.

Advise like, "there would be no coming back from something like that" is just plain wrong when you dont know the details.

Any advice given is subject to the accuracy of the original post in every case.

His fat bitch comment is inexcusable, and shouldn't be tolerated. If she was equally abusive then Id say there is a pair of them in it and they should both move on. But this is the information we were given.

enzo roco

Again we do not know the full story. We do not know what happened.
How about just imagine, for one second that she insulted him also???

Did the op say "I dont think spain have a chance to win it this year". And then the response is "You fat bitch". Im guessing no.
We are missing a lot of the story.

sadie1502

enzo roco wrote: »

Again we do not know the full story. We do not know what happened.
How about just imagine, for one second that she insulted him also???

Did the op say "I dont think spain have a chance to win it this year". And then the response is "You fat bitch". Im guessing no.
We are missing a lot of the story.

We don't need to know it. He called her a name that he knew would hurt. He set out to hurt her.

enzo roco

Estrellita wrote: »

Any advice given is subject to the accuracy of the original post in every case.

His fat bitch comment is inexcusable, and shouldn't be tolerated. If she was equally abusive then Id say there is a pair of them in it and they should both move on. But this is the information we were given.

Yes it is the information we are given, but it is not enough.
So why are so many posters jumping to conclusions when they dont know the facts???

Common sense tells us all, that a comment as serious as that, doesnt come from no where.
And maybe youre right, the pair of them could have been at it, which makes a lot of sense.

mada82

While I'd never call my other half a name like that I do think others here are over reacting.

They had a drunken row. It got heated. He said something he shouldn't have.

Surely a genuine apology should suffice?

enzo roco

sadie1502 wrote: »

We don't need to know it. He called her a name that he knew would hurt. He set out to hurt her.

Yes, but I want to know why.
Did she hurt him? What did she say?

He called his partner of 14 months a fat bitch because of the world cup? Over football????

The Princess Bride

enzo roco wrote: »

Yes, but I want to know why.
Did she hurt him? What did she say?

He called his partner of 14 months a fat bitch because of the world cup? Over football????

She told us what she said.

confused and sad wrote: »

The insult that I hurled at him was that he was financially irresponsible, and I do think that...he thinks he is too! So that's why, although not a nice thing to say, I meant it.

Augme

I missed this first time around.

confused and sad wrote: »

I think that's the issue...I would never use words to hurt someone and didn't grow up in a family that did either. He's from a big family and they often have humdinger fights where all sorts of insults are thrown.
For me, it came from somewhere and he obviously thinks it on some level or why would he say it and if he thinks it why would he want to share his life with me. The insult that I hurled at him was that he was financially irresponsible, and I do think that...he thinks he is too! So that's why, although not a nice thing to say, I meant it.
Ironically...this heartbreak diet is working a treat and am dropping weight at a ferocious rate.

Eh.....

If that's your idea of not hurting someone I'd hate to see how you behave when you do try and hurt someone. At the end of the day OP if you're going to insult someone then don't act surprised when they return the favour. Was the comment about his financial irresponsibility related to the argument? If not, then you should ask yourself why you felt the urge to insult your boyfriend and why you don't seem to have any remorse about doing so? If you want to remain pissed and even break up with your boyfriend then that's fine, but at least take at look at your own behaviour in all of this first.

Penny Tration

Hmm.

On the one hand, op, I can see why you ended it. I'm quite insecure about my weight, even though I've lost a fair bit, and tbh I'll probably always be insecure about my weight. My boyfriend knows that, so if he deliberately called me fat to hurt me, I might forgive it, but I'd question in the back of my mind if he actually found me attractive and I think that'd ultimately end the relationship. So I see why you ended it.


However, there was two of you in it. You insulted him about being financially irresponsible, something you say that he knows he is. Sounds like you picked an insult designed to embarrass him, and in return he did the very same to you. Slagging off a man over being financially irresponsible is emasculating for many men, so it seems to me that you deliberately chose an insult to hurt him, and he retaliated in kind.


So maybe it's best for you to break up, because neither of you shrouded yourselves in glory here.

Estrellita

Augme wrote: »

If that's your idea of not hurting someone I'd hate to see how you behave when you do try and hurt someone. At the end of the day OP if you're going to insult someone then don't act surprised when they return the favour. Was the comment about his financial irresponsibility related to the argument? If not, then you should ask yourself why you felt the urge to insult your boyfriend and why you don't seem to have any remorse about doing so? If you want to remain pissed and even break up with your boyfriend then that's fine, but at least take at look at your own behaviour in all of this first.

How the hell is 'you are financially irresponsible' equally as abusive as 'you're a fat bi.tch', or even remotely comparable?

Augme

Estrellita wrote: »

How the hell is 'you are financially irresponsible' equally as abusive as 'you're a fat bi.tch', or even remotely comparable?

I never said it was. However Penny does bring up a good point

Slagging off a man over being financially irresponsible is emasculating for many men

The fact is the OP deliberately said something that she knew would hurt her boyfriend feelings.

fallen01angel

Hi Op,when I read your initial post my 1st thoughts were,you were right to finish this relationship. Drink or not that is a terrible thing to say to a partner especially when he knows 1st hand how much you worked at losing the weight.However,you then said you threw your own "punches/insults" about him being irresponsible with money, so it's now a little unclear to me who started with for lack of a better phrase the 'low blows' because neither of those comments within a relationship are "nice".
Basically it kind of comes down to the saying "for every action there is a reaction".One of you went in with an insult/hurt statement that would get a reaction,which it did, my question is who went 1st?
If both of ye are miserable with the current situation then maybe sitting down and having a an honest talk about why things got nasty over something so trivial like a football match,just might shed some light on the situation.

Estrellita

Augme wrote: »

The fact is the OP deliberately said something that she knew would hurt her boyfriend feelings.

She should have discussed his financial issues when neither had drink on board. He mightn't have wanted to hear it, and could have been shocked by the comment. It doesn't justify what he said. A verbal attack about someones appearance is far more damaging in my opinion.

I've nothing further to add to this. You've done the right thing Confused and Sad, best of luck in the future.

Pro Hoc Vice

Estrellita wrote: »

How the hell is 'you are financially irresponsible' equally as abusive as 'you're a fat bi.tch', or even remotely comparable?

Not bringing gender into it telling a guy he is not a good provider (which is what financially irresponsible could translate to a guy) is basically saying you are not a real man. Telling a guy he is a lazy fat bastard would to some guys be less insulting than saying you feckless with money. I have seen more realtionships come to an end because of money than looks.

LegacyUser

Telling someone who is self employed that they are really bad with money is a low blow.

Sounds like you can't get over it op but if you can then I think it's worth giving one more go. Maybe ye both need to drink less?

Sapphire

Estrellita wrote: »

How the hell is 'you are financially irresponsible' equally as abusive as 'you're a fat bi.tch', or even remotely comparable?

They are not equal or comparable. It will always be valid to discuss a person's behaviour, but not to personalise it. To give an example, parenting books all say that you should not call a child names or label them because its confusing and damaging (you are a naughty child) but rather address the behaviour (scribbling on the walls is naughty) In this case, the OP was criticising a behaviour (being financially irresponsible) he was labelling her in a way that affects her self esteem. Names stick in our minds. Long after we've forgotten what the stupid fight was about, the insult hurled stays behind in our subconscious.

However, I am a believer in giving a limited amount of chances. In this scenario, I would make sure that he is highly aware that the quickest and surest way to end the relationship again would be to call me a derogatory name, but I would give him the chance to learn from the row, especially if the relationship was otherwise excellent.

KikiDee

Hey OP,

We're obviously missing out on the full context of the row however, if this is something you can't forget, then splitting with him was the right thing to do. It's sad now but you will get over this.

BetsyEllen

OP I don't think that what your boyfriend said to you is excusable in any way.
However, I do think if you both love each other I would try to get through this.

True love is hard to find and I personally wouldn't want to throw it away over a comment that was made which he probably didn't mean.
He obviously shouldn't have said it but I do think losing the whole relationship over it is very unfortunate, for both of you.

I understand you are hurting, I would be too, but you sound as though you will be very miserable without him and it also sounds like he acted out of character.
As a previous poster said, he could probably have his pick of girls! But he wanted you. He probably just through of the first thing that would hurt you, trying to be spiteful in the heat of the moment (we've all done it) and I am sure he is very sorry.

I would give him one more chance - but obviously if it happens again, that would be it.

Carlos Orange

Estrellita wrote: »

She should have discussed his financial issues when neither had drink on board. He mightn't have wanted to hear it, and could have been shocked by the comment. It doesn't justify what he said. A verbal attack about someones appearance is far more damaging in my opinion.

Maybe it is just me but "you are financially irresponsible" doesn't sound like the way someone would phrase things in the middle of an argument.

DukeOfTheSharp

...and so the OP tells him he's financially irresponsible...and he responds with an over the top, incredibly personal and now contextually childish retort? While drunk. In an argument that started out over the world cup?

How this even sparked any form of debate of 'him vs. her' astounds me. The ridiculous assumptions of a man's masculinity being directly tied to his finances is madness OP, disregard that nonsense, do yourself a favour and move on with your life. Put it down to a learning experience; if someone gets riled up over football, run. And prior to that, if they're financially irresponsible, they'll always be that way, I've experienced first hand how people like that act and if you're unlucky, money will be coming out of your pocket to subsidize their crap spending habits.

dental28

confused and sad wrote: »

Looking for some advice on whether I am completely over-reacting or tripping in my head.

I've been with boyfriend, well currently ex-boyfriend for 14 months. We met when I joined a bootcamp type thing to loose weight and he was the instructor. Was a bit of slow burner, he's ridiculously hot and I was struggling with self-image. Anyway I trained hard lost weight and re-gained some self confidence, a lot due to his encouragement. I'll never be stick thin, am a size 16, but think I look okay these days. Boy has always said he thinks I am stunning.
We had a huge fight (over the stupid world cup!) and it all got a bit nasty, culminating in him calling me a fat bitch. We made up, but I haven't been able to get over the fat bitch comment and have finished the relationship. We are both gutted, he says it was alcohol but I think he must think that and have an issue about it on some level. Am I insane to through away an otherwise very good relationship on this basis. I just can't seem to move past this..and am just miserable...as is he...

It sounds to me like you may be putting your boyfriend on a pedastal as you may associate him with you losing weight. In otherwords he may not be as amazing as you think.
I have argued with my girlfriend before but would never even dream of calling her a name like that.
Maybe ask friends how they find his behaviour towards you in general as this could have been a mistake or something more sinister as we all suffer from being "blind when we are in love".
Best of luck and just remember that whatever happens, make sure you end up with the person who appreciates and deserves you most.

Pro Hoc Vice

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

...and so the OP tells him he's financially irresponsible...and he responds with an over the top, incredibly personal and now contextually childish retort? While drunk. In an argument that started out over the world cup?

How this even sparked any form of debate of 'him vs. her' astounds me. The ridiculous assumptions of a man's masculinity being directly tied to his finances is madness OP, disregard that nonsense, do yourself a favour and move on with your life. Put it down to a learning experience; if someone gets riled up over football, run. And prior to that, if they're financially irresponsible, they'll always be that way, I've experienced first hand how people like that act and if you're unlucky, money will be coming out of your pocket to subsidize their crap spending habits.

So is a women's self esteem and femininity directly tied to weight. Why is it ok to call a man bad with money but its not ok to call a women fat. One thing i have learned is people in relationships often use in an argument what they know will hurt. If either or both did that then there is an issue. But if you are going to accept him calling her fat is bad you must at least accept he may have been very hurt by the claim he is bad with money. We are all insecure about different things to say one insecurity is more important than another is not really fair.

beks101

The way you described your relationship in the OP, it's almost as though you were waiting for it to fail. He's a fitness instructor and "ridiculously hot" and you've been struggling with your weight and seem almost incredulous that he wants to be with you. Some of the comments here don't help, "he could probably have anyone but chose you" etc etc i.e despite being fit and "hot" he still wants to be with someone who's not a fitness model, lucky OP eh?

We can all be too quick to judge couples from what we see on the outside - I see this happen all around me every day. And that's fine, that's human nature - but it can really impact on how people with self-doubts and fragile self-esteem can see themselves in relation to their partner. I've seen wonderful, kind, loving people stay in the worst relationships because they perceived themselves to be batting "out of their leagues".

Now I know that's not what anybody meant, but weight can cause some major self-esteem issues that can run so deep and can destroy even the strongest relationships. And OP I would suggest it's not emotionally healthy or conducive to your own self-image to be with someone that would use something so personal and so confidence-shattering as a weapon against you.

I think you need to sit down and have a frank conversation with him. Tell him you understand you both got riled and said unnecessary things, but that the weight remark is a non-negotiator. You don't have room in your life for a weight bully, especially someone who promotes himself as a fitness and health advocate and is all about the positive mindset and healthy body image as most fitness instructors are. That it shows him up as a hypocrite and a liar and a really nasty individual, to say something like that to you, regardless of how much he actually meant it.

Ask him if he's prepared to love and support you as you are, regardless of whether or not you lose weight, because anything less is simply not good enough.

Mr. Incognito

People say things in a row.

If it's a proper row they Say the nastiest things they can think of!!

That's why it's called a row.

If he has apologised, get over it and move on.

Things said in anger are rarely meant.

meeeeh

I think for a successful relationship you also need to learn how to forgive and forget. If it's a one off in the midst of blazing row then I would let it go. If insults are constant (not necessarily the same ones) or if he does it again despite knowing how much it hurts then I would run. That being said you are not me and there is no point of being with someone that you can't forgive. Also I would very much avoid someone who is financially irresponsible. It's easy to debate and lecture about respect, judge a person on one comment or action but it's up to you to decide could you be happy with him again.

Hmm_Messiah

Mr. Incognito wrote: »

People say things in a row.

If it's a proper row they Say the nastiest things they can think of!!

That's why it's called a row.

If he has apologised, get over it and move on.

Things said in anger are rarely meant.

this +1

I do not even grasp what some people are talking about, or how they understand relationships .. or arguments for that matter


Some one said something hurtful in a row ?? How is that a surprise, a shock or " inexcusable" - some one should say something sweet and sensitive in a row?

Afterwards is what matters. Afterwards you talk, share what the pain and hurt is, see does your partner appreciate it, see if there can be some commitment to try be more considerate.

Not during a row, not when drink is involved

And of course drink is an excuse - it should not be, but it is - people say awful thinks when drinking - jumping to the conclusion that " this is what they really think" is a jump too far - drunken rows are just that.


Doing all the how is the hot fitness instructor with the size 16 is also way off the mark, including saying " well he chose you" - it is meaningless. They guy fell for a person and is obviously very happy - they had a stupid row and said stupid things


IF it hurt very much - express and communicate that it hurt very much. IF he cannot appreciate that then , then move on possibly

If I ended a relationship due to a hurtful comment in a row my relationship would be very very short. these painful things are picked because THEY ARE PAINFUL. And even if , big "if", it did convey some underlying thought so what ? - I am really bugged by how my partner is very much governed/spoilt by their parents. I dislike it, and it comes up in rows. but is a small part of the person I am with - and thankfully neither of us were hoping to be with some one where we found every single details just so, so beautiful and good


And a final point - about me rather than any presumption abut the OP - often the most hurtful things are that hurtful not so much because I feel my partner believes them, but because I BELIEVE THEM . e.g called a fat b*st*rd - well hmm, that is a fact, and it pisses me off that I am, no matter who says it. or course I don't want my partner reminding me, but also in part I don't need reminding - I am not saying this bit clearly , but the hurt is in part the reality hurts , distinct from who said it and when

SarahMollie

Hi OP,

FWIW, although what he said was horrible, I do think some of the advice given here boarders on the hysterical. I wonder would these same posters be willing to walk away from their relationships over a single comment? Some people must be in some seriously perfect relationships or perhaps not in relationships at all. When you're in a real life situation, its often not that black and white.

You're 100% right to raise it with him, to tell him that its not ok, and to never ever say something so mean spirited and hurtful again. Tell him all the reasons why that was probably the worst thing he could have called you and how you'll likely carry it for some time. But really, unless name calling is normal in your relationship (extremely bad sign), ending an otherwise happy relationship over one incident seems a bit drastic.

Something that was said to me that always stuck with me was " Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy". You're absolutely right to be hurt and unhappy with him, but if you ultimately end the relationship (which I know you've already done but it doesn't sound permanent yet) then will you be happy? Only you can know the answer to that OP.

DukeOfTheSharp

Pro Hoc Vice wrote: »

So is a women's self esteem and femininity directly tied to weight. Why is it ok to call a man bad with money but its not ok to call a women fat. One thing i have learned is people in relationships often use in an argument what they know will hurt. If either or both did that then there is an issue. But if you are going to accept him calling her fat is bad you must at least accept he may have been very hurt by the claim he is bad with money. We are all insecure about different things to say one insecurity is more important than another is not really fair.

Oh lord, a 'what about THE MEN?!?! retort', always fun to deal with these. To put it out there, I will be using the words CONTEXT & CONTEXTUALLY during this bit, so learn what they mean before continuing, you seem to have some trouble with this.

Ok, let me put this simply: women's weight, if insulted, is not the same as critiquing a man over his crap spending habits. Ok? Due to, among other things, the context of their relationship, such as the circumstances they met under.

In other words, and I'm putting this in bold so there can be no confusion:

Critiquing someone's financial irresponsibility - while you're dating - is not equatable to calling a woman a "fat bitch" in a childish retort over - contextually - an argument that began over the world cup, as one (financial irresponsibility) has an actual effect on both parties and their future together, and is incredibly difficult to rectify. Calling out a woman's weight is an actively hurtful and controlling thing to do, has no benefit, and adding the 'bitch' aspect to it is shaping it as an outright hurtful insult, it wasn't a critique at all. Men, contrary to popular belief, given that it's the 21st century, don't tie our self-worth to how much we earn, and if we do? Well, from this situation you can see the kind of man that kind of mindset creates.

And just as an extra note here: what the OP did was critique her ex-partners' crap spending habits, his response was to insult her. If you're going to argue 'what about the man?' then kindly understand that this isn't about the man, who in this case, said something outright goddamn horrific to the OP. Now, keep in mind, as I've been saying, that CONTEXTUALLY this situation is what it is: guy was an arse, OP called him out on his BS, he overreacted like a child and she dumped him. My perspective: CONTEXTUALLY the OP made the right choice, this is about the OP, NOT her now, thankfully, ex.

Pro Hoc Vice

DukeOfTheSharp wrote: »

Oh lord, a 'what about THE MEN?!?! retort', always fun to deal with these. To put it out there, I will be using the words CONTEXT & CONTEXTUALLY during this bit, so learn what they mean before continuing, you seem to have some trouble with this.

Ok, let me put this simply: women's weight, if insulted, is not the same as critiquing a man over his crap spending habits. Ok? Due to, among other things, the context of their relationship, such as the circumstances they met under.

In other words, and I'm putting this in bold so there can be no confusion:

Critiquing someone's financial irresponsibility - while you're dating - is not equatable to calling a woman a "fat bitch" in a childish retort over - contextually - an argument that began over the world cup, as one (financial irresponsibility) has an actual effect on both parties and their future together, and is incredibly difficult to rectify. Calling out a woman's weight is an actively hurtful and controlling thing to do, has no benefit, and adding the 'bitch' aspect to it is shaping it as an outright hurtful insult, it wasn't a critique at all. Men, contrary to popular belief, given that it's the 21st century, don't tie our self-worth to how much we earn, and if we do? Well, from this situation you can see the kind of man that kind of mindset creates.

And just as an extra note here: what the OP did was critique her ex-partners' crap spending habits, his response was to insult her. If you're going to argue 'what about the man?' then kindly understand that this isn't about the man, who in this case, said something outright goddamn horrific to the OP. Now, keep in mind, as I've been saying, that CONTEXTUALLY this situation is what it is: guy was an arse, OP called him out on his BS, he overreacted like a child and she dumped him. My perspective: CONTEXTUALLY the OP made the right choice, this is about the OP, NOT her now, thankfully, ex.

To put my view in context I was putting my view out there in a forum. My view is that all people have issue of low self esteem often that can manifest itself in over eating over spending or over drinking even over exercising. In the case of the OP I assume over eating and possibly with her partner over spending.

The OP came on this site to seek advice in relation to this issue, all I did was put in my opinion as to why the partner may have lashed out, (does that excuse his lashing out, well that's up to the OP) that opinion was based on observing people and the fact I have seen many a relationship break up over money.

BTW pure passive aggressive much! BTW 6 people liked my last post so I assume some agree with me. You do know it's ok in a forum site to have different views and it shows more about you than me that you in my opinion had to resort to a pretty aggressive type of posting.

"CONTEXT & CONTEXTUALLY during this bit, so learn what they mean before continuing, you seem to have some trouble with this." you should learn yourself highly insulting type of posting I can assure you I know what context means, do you? Maybe you need to take a step back I have not insulted anyone nor do I appreciate a total stranger going out of his way to insult someone for having an opinion. If you disagree with my opinion fine many people do but to activity try and belittle a poster because they had the audacity to disagree with you and give an opinion, well in my opinion as I said that says a lot more about you than me.

Yes the OP dumped the guy but finished her post with " just can't seem to move past this..and am just miserable...as is he..." maybe reading all the posts helps her move on and learn from this including being more aware of her own issues and those of future partners. To err is human to forgive divine. I don't expect you to get the context. Remember we can all do passive aggressive, I just don't enjoy it as much as you do.

LegacyUser

Hi all, OP here. Thanks so much for the all the advice. It really helped.
I actually meant the Euros..not world cup! Clearly I am not the footie fan of this relationship.
We have given it another go and are working hard to put it behind us.
A couple of things that made me give it another go...this was an isolated incident, he's a very kind and supportive man, some suggested that I have him on a bit of a pedestal, and I've realized that's true. I do have a bit of a 'cant believe he's with me' syndrome. We talked about that a lot and I really just need to accept that what he says is true and he does love me, fancy me and want to be with me as he says. I guess losing weight, it's hard to also change that mind shift.
He is from a big family, and actually I had a chat with his sister that really helped - for them growing up she said they were all very loud and boisterous and had horrible nasty fights that they didn't mean. In my family we never had that, I did argue with my brothers but nothing so vicious. We don't argue as a couple a lot.
He said it just popped out as he knew it was mean, I had just seen our bank statement and was not happy with the amount he'd spent going out to the pub watching football. We have an agreed amount for entertainment jointly for meals out, nights out together and then separate socialising with friends. He had blown 3 months budget combined and I was cross. I realize this sounds quite boring and petty, but it usually works and helps us live in harmony! I didn't think that was as bad to call him financially irresponsible, but reading a lot of the comments, perhaps not the nicest thing either.

Anyway, the upshot is...he made a mistake, I have to believe his word when he said he didn't mean it. I was lost without him and really am so in love with him, that I want to work it out.

Sorry for super long post!