The one that got away.....

So to cut a long story short, I met a girl while on a stag weekend in Galway back in May. It wasn't my stag but I was engaged myself for a few months and I was in a happy relationship. After hanging out with this girl for a few hours, I think we found it very hard to walk away from each other but in the end I just told her I had to say goodbye and I walked away from her. I thought I did the right thing but it felt like the biggest mistake of my life. I thought I'd just be able to laugh it off as a bit of craic the next day and go home to my fiancé. Unfortunately, when I woke up the next morning I knew straight away something was up with me. Something just felt very wrong. And as the high from the drinking and the weekend wore off on the Sunday, I turned into a bit of an emotional mess. I'm in my mid thirties and at this stage of my life I've met a lot of women and been in a lot of relationships so I know my emotions fairly well. And I knew straight away I had met someone really special, possibly even "the one". I struggled for a few weeks to recover myself and get back to normal but I knew I couldn't fool myself. I had to come clean to my fiancé about how I was feeling, why I was acting so wierd and I felt the only honest thing to do was end our relationship. So I've screwed up both our lives for a girl that I don't know the second name of and I have no way of contacting or finding easily. I only know her first name and some basic facts about her. My sense on the night was that she felt as strongly about me as I did about her but who knows really except her. I'd love to find her and just tell her how amazing I thought she was and apologize for just walking away and leaving her standing on the side of the road. Has anyone got an idea how I could find her? I only know the basic industry that she works in, I know that she was either from Galway or Mayo and I know her friends first name as well. Apart from that I have a half notion what her second name was. Its an unusual rare enough Irish name as far as I can remember but I'm not sure I have the right one exactly.

The Longer Story:
I had no intention of cheating on my fiancé. The thought never entered my head. I hung out with this girl I met for a few hours just having the craic in different pubs and talking about our lives in general. I sensed she was coming on to me early on so I was upfront with her that I was not single and that I was getting married. So after that I thought I had properly friend zoned her and my guard was down. I should have walked away from her earlier but we were just having the craic and the conversation was interesting. The night passed really fast and it was only when the late bar finished serving and they tried kicking us out of the pub that I realized that I was going to find it hard to walk away from this girl. Outside on the street we went for food and just hung around chatting for another while. I knew I had to walk away but she was suggesting that we do go somewhere else. I somehow plucked up the courage to tell her I had to go home to bed. She gave me a hug and I walked away. It was so hard though.

And now a few months later, my life I a bit of a mess. I've really hurt my ex fiancée and I know I couldn't avoid it. The more I tried to get over the girl in Galway the more of a mess I became. My fiancée knew something was up and she eventually confronted me a few weeks later and demanded the truth. I have never lied to her so I felt compelled to tell her what had happened and that I couldn't get over it. Even if I give up trying to find this girl in Galway and move on with my life then its going to be following me for a long time. I think its going to be hard to find someone like her again. I've tried getting back in the game but every woman I meet just doesn't match up. They don't even match up to my ex fiancé if the truth be told. So I'm a bit worried for the future. If I could only have somehow just kept a lid on my emotions after meeting that girl then my life would still be perfect as it had been but its too late now.

LegacyUser

Queue Mundy and Sharon Shannon...

But in all seriousness, maybe meeting this girl in Galway was a blessing in disguise. If you could fall for another girl, maybe marrying your fiancé would have been a big mistake. Yes I know you won't see the Galway girl again probably, and your relationship is a mess but all the same, being realistic. If your fiancé was the one for you, I don;t think you would have felt like this about another girl.

batmanrobin

Is it possible that the feelings for this Galway woman were as a result of subconscious unhappiness?

Perhaps there was a part of you that knew deep down you were engaged to someone who wasn't meant for you so you fixated on the reaction to this other woman?

Personally I don't believe in "the one". Certainly some people have an effect on us more than others, but there are other people out there one could have something of substance with. Not a huge amount, but not just one either.

By all means try to find her, but be prepared for the magic to have faded a bit if you do. You could have built it up more in your head than what it was.

If you don't find her, maybe take a break from dating for a good while. You've ended an engagement. That takes a while to get over and to process.

kyogger

Being honest (sorry if this sounds harsh) it sounds like you need to snap out of it. You met someone on a night out and you went to a few bars with and had some craic under the influence of alcohol and you went and broke up with the person you were engaged to because you felt that person was the one that got away. Maybe you have been watching too many movies because it sounds like some nonsense out of some American romantic film.

You should also reevaluate whether you are ready to be in any relationship (Galway girl included) because if that's all it takes to break such a serious commitment (you either asked your partner to marry you, or you said yes when she asked you) then I don't think it's fair on any girl to be in a relationship with them if you are so volatile.

In terms of finding the Galway girl, maybe go back to the same bar perhaps she is a regular? I would expect her to run a mile if you do find her and she learns of the series of events that have since occurred in your life.

retro:electro

Ireland is pretty small op, and if you set your mind of finding her again I believe that you will. The Galway Races are on next week, maybe you and a few friends could get together for a few nights and take a trip down? I mean it's a long shot that you'd bump into her, but the odds will have increased compared to where you live now. Did she regularly go out in Galway? I hope you find what you're looking for.

JellieBabie

OP you knew this woman from Galway a few hours. You don't know her properly at all - all you know about her is what she allowed you to know in those few short hours.

Meanwhile you barely qualify your relationship with your fiancé (ex fiancé?) at all. You never said you loved her or explained anything about it.

Adding 2 and 2 together here OP is giving me the idea that you are fed up with your current relationship and latched onto this Galway girl as a sign of how things could be with someone else. She represents possibilities and the freshness of new love and new lust to you - but she is just representing that. You barely know her!!

Evaluate your relationship without considering how this random girl made you feel for one night (when I imagine you were drunk too, which heightened it all). You felt flattered, lusty and probably a little excited by all this attention on a night away in a different place from this pretty girl but that's all it was.

If you want to end your relationship for its own sake as you are no longer invested then do so but don't get hung up on this randomer.

kyogger

kyogger wrote: »

Being honest (sorry if this sounds harsh) it sounds like you need to snap out of it. You met someone on a night out and you went to a few bars with and had some craic under the influence of alcohol and you went and broke up with the person you were engaged to because you felt that person was the one that got away. Maybe you have been watching too many movies because it sounds like some nonsense out of some American romantic film.

Ha ha......Yes it does sound a bit like one of those retarded American love films. Unfortunately I'm the most unromantic person and I've a sceptical view of relationships/marriage/love but I think when you meet someone really special that you just click with then the **** hits the fan emotionally. I had met maybe 3-4 women between the ages of maybe 21-24 who I really clicked with and they clicked with me and I know we were totally in love. For various reasons I never struck up a proper relationship with any of them. Either I was in a relationship or they were in a relationship or I was too immature to act on their advances. But I know the feeling and what its like. For me its very strong. But since I was 24 I've had numerous relationships and girlfriends who I really got on with but truthfully I didn't really love as strongly enough to say they were "the one". Why didn't I break up with my ex if I knew she wasn't the one? I don't know why exactly but probably because we had a really good relationship. Everything seemed perfect. She was my best friend. And even if I wanted to break up with her then it would be very difficult as I'd hate to hurt her. And to a certain degree, it had been so long since I was in madly in love with a girl that I thought it was impossible for me to feel that way about someone again. I guess I just thought I had matured, grown up and true love was something you feel when your a young impressionable teenager. Honestly the whole thing in Galway caught me by surprise but I knew straight away when it happened that it was true love. If you ever feel it then you realize that it absolutely reduces you to an emotional mess. I think most people don't actually ever meet someone that they truly love. I can understand why. I've personally only met a handful of women that I loved but I've met thousands of women probably and I've probably dated a lot of women as well in my time. When you do meet them I think you know fairly quickly as well whether you love them or not.

JellieBabie

JellieBabie wrote: »

OP you knew this woman from Galway a few hours. You don't know her properly at all - all you know about her is what she allowed you to know in those few short hours.

Meanwhile you barely qualify your relationship with your fiancé (ex fiancé?) at all. You never said you loved her or explained anything about it.

Adding 2 and 2 together here OP is giving me the idea that you are fed up with your current relationship and latched onto this Galway girl as a sign of how things could be with someone else. She represents possibilities and the freshness of new love and new lust to you - but she is just representing that. You barely know her!!

Evaluate your relationship without considering how this random girl made you feel for one night (when I imagine you were drunk too, which heightened it all). You felt flattered, lusty and probably a little excited by all this attention on a night away in a different place from this pretty girl but that's all it was.

If you want to end your relationship for its own sake as you are no longer invested then do so but don't get hung up on this randomer.

Yeah good point. I've tried convincing myself of all this over the days and weeks after I met her but it didn't work. I can only say that I felt absolute relief and a weight off my shoulders when I finally admitted to myself that I did love her and it felt like she was the one. I know I only knew her for a few hours but we literally covered every blade of grass in terms of talking about our lives. I divulged way too many personal things about myself and she really opened up about her life as well. There is no way I'd just fall in love with someone just because they were good craic or because they came on to me and massaged my ego. It wasn't like that at all. She told me a few things about herself that just blew me away. I probably don't want to be divulging her personal stories on the internet but you'll just have to take it from me that she was an amazing person from what she did tell me. We also talked about marriage and kids and what my plans were with my fiancee. It got a bit strange as we started talking about me and my fiancee but it kind of turned into a conversation about what she and I wanted kids wise or relationship wise. At that stage I think we were both a bit awkward about the subject. I literally was just left thinking to myself "Jesus Christ this girl is the mother of my children". That's just the impression I got from her. I've never felt that for anyone before. And prior to meeting her, I was pretty convinced that I didn't want kids. My ex fiancée was pushing for kids but I was fairly adamant that I didn't want kids ever! I also didn't really want to get married but when my fiancée proposed to me then I felt I kind of had to cop on and just get on with it so I said yes even though it didn't really excite me when I thought about it or started to plan it. After meeting the girl in Galway, all I could think was how soon could we get married and how soon could we have kids. Those were all new emotions for me. I was fairly bowled over that I was even thinking those thoughts even if they might sound retarded. I probably should have known better in terms of kids and marriage but honestly I've never once in my life sat down and had the ambition or desire to get married or have kids ever. So it wasn't strange to me that I didn't want to have kids or get married to my partner, at least not for a few years when I thought maybe it would come naturally to me.

anna080

anna080 wrote: »

Ireland is pretty small op, and if you set your mind of finding her again I believe that you will. The Galway Races are on next week, maybe you and a few friends could get together for a few nights and take a trip down? I mean it's a long shot that you'd bump into her, but the odds will have increased compared to where you live now. Did she regularly go out in Galway? I hope you find what you're looking for.

I'm ahead of the game on that one. A few weeks after I broke up with my fiancée she had moved out and the dust had settled a bit. So I started going back to Galway to see if I could find this girl. I've been back four Saturday nights now but no sign of her. She told me a lot about herself. Where she worked, where she was from, her full name, yadda yadda yadda....but she told me it all early on in the night when I had no intention of trying to get with her so I didn't exactly make a mental note of everything she said. I do remember she indicated that the pub I met her in was kind of her local pub when she was out in the city centre and then she recommended the late bar that we go to as it would be the one she was familiar with. So I've been loitering around those pubs mainly when I go to Galway but there is no sign of her so far. I'm pretty sure that if I went to Galway every weekend then I'd bump into her a few times but as I live the far end of the country that's not really a possibility. I am giving it a miss this weekend as I've emotionally pretty drained at this stage from the whole drama the last few months but I have booked accommodation for the bank holiday weekend. Best chance is that she is out that weekend.

I do understand that the moment could have passed. Her emotions could have changed. She could think I'm a dick for what I did to my fiancée. She could have met someone since. She could laugh in my face. Or she could tell me to **** off you muppet. But I don't think she is that sort of person. I think she'll most likely be shocked to see me again but somewhat happy. If she'll listen to my bull**** story then I'm not going to put any pressure on her. Whether she wants to see me again or not I don't mind. I just want to say to her what I should have said to her the night I walked away from her. That she is just amazing and I was blown away by some of the things she told me she did when she was in her late teens.

Rekop dog

[Deleted User] wrote: »

So I've been loitering around those pubs mainly when I go to Galway but there is no sign of her so far.

So creepy. I seldom pick up a genuinely worrisome vibe from an online poster, but the streams of insanity in this thread is on another level. Best advice would be to get some professional help ASAP. I assume there's been some sort of event in your life you that haven't mentioned, bereavement or massive upheaval that's triggered this.

NIMAN

You also assume that this girl feels the same way you do, which is probably very unlikely.

Should she happen to come out of a bar some night in Galway and you approach her, how do you honestly think she will react? What if she is with her boyfriend? Will she be glad to see you?

I very much doubt it.

To have gotten so smitten over someone you only knew for a matter of hours does sound a tad silly and immature imho. I think you need to forget about her and move on.

beks101

Deleted User wrote: »

I had met maybe 3-4 women between the ages of maybe 21-24 who I really clicked with and they clicked with me and I know we were totally in love. For various reasons I never struck up a proper relationship with any of them. Either I was in a relationship or they were in a relationship or I was too immature to act on their advances.

This explains a lot tbh. Sounds like you've got some kind of pattern going with these infatuations with women you're not, and never will be, in a relationship with. Like that's your dating pattern and some sort of escapism or projection for you or something. A tangible reason to get out of a stagnant relationship perhaps, or a "grass is greener" mentality. It's a pattern you're perpetuating again now with this Galway girl and your fiancee.

What you describe as "true love", most of us would call lust or infatuation. Or quite simply "chemistry". Meeting someone and fancying them and bouncing off their energy. You're not even sure of this girl's surname or where she works, hardly grounds for declaring evarlasting love or deeming her "the one" (sounds like you've had several "ones" at this stage by the above description).

I think she and all these other women you were "totally in love" with are a symptom of what you're not getting in your relationships. What you didn't have with your ex fiancee. Those butterflies and that stomach-churning attraction that drives two people together. As opposed to someone being your mate or being "good on paper" and falling into some kind of redundant 'romance' with them that's lacking something pretty vital.

Honestly, I think you need to do some soul-searching before you go jumping into your next relationship. You need to learn from this. Why are you falling into relationships with women that don't quite 'fit', only to fall for another woman hook line and sinker like some sort of lovelorn teenager a few months/years down the road? Use your head and not your emotions now, which are all over the place because of the sh1tshow of the last few months, in no small part I'm sure because you've massively disrupted two lives and that's no doubt resulted in quite a fallout.

Don't use this "Galway girl" as a bandaid. Figure out exactly what she represents and endeavour to prevent this scenario from ever happening again, if only to spare the feelings of the next girl that gets her life uprooted because of it.

beks101

Deleted User wrote: »

I had met maybe 3-4 women between the ages of maybe 21-24 who I really clicked with and they clicked with me and I know we were totally in love. For various reasons I never struck up a proper relationship with any of them. Either I was in a relationship or they were in a relationship or I was too immature to act on their advances.

This explains a lot tbh. Sounds like you've got some kind of pattern going with these infatuations with women you're not, and never will be, in a relationship with. Like that's your dating pattern and some sort of escapism or projection for you or something. A tangible reason to get out of a stagnant relationship perhaps, or a "grass is greener" mentality. It's a pattern you're perpetuating again now with this Galway girl and your fiancee.

What you describe as "true love", most of us would call lust or infatuation. Or quite simply "chemistry". Meeting someone and fancying them and bouncing off their energy. You're not even sure of this girl's surname or where she works, hardly grounds for declaring evarlasting love or deeming her "the one" (sounds like you've had several "ones" at this stage by the above description).

I think she and all these other women you were "totally in love" with are a symptom of what you're not getting in your relationships. What you didn't have with your ex fiancee. Those butterflies and that stomach-churning attraction that drives two people together. As opposed to someone being your mate or being "good on paper" and falling into some kind of redundant 'romance' with them that's lacking something pretty vital.

Honestly, I think you need to do some soul-searching before you go jumping into your next relationship. You need to learn from this. Why are you falling into relationships with women that don't quite 'fit', only to fall for another woman hook line and sinker like some sort of lovelorn teenager a few months/years down the road? What in you can't see the wood for the trees when you meet a woman you have chemistry with, despite being committed to someone else? This is something that happens quite commonly to most people in relationships by the way. Most people however, don't declare themselves "totally in love" with said randomer from a night out and break off their relationship over it.

Use your head and not your emotions now, which are all over the place because of the sh1tshow of the last few months, in no small part I'm sure because you've massively disrupted two lives and that's no doubt resulted in quite a fallout.

Don't use this "Galway girl" as a bandaid. Figure out exactly what she represents and endeavour to prevent this scenario from ever happening again, if only to spare the feelings of the next girl that gets her life uprooted because of it.

Flippyfloppy

[Deleted User] wrote: »

I had met maybe 3-4 women between the ages of maybe 21-24 who I really clicked with and they clicked with me and I know we were totally in love. For various reasons I never struck up a proper relationship with any of them. ...........................................…................But I know the feeling and what its like. For me its very strong. But since I was 24 I've had numerous relationships and girlfriends who I really got on with but truthfully I didn't really love as strongly enough to say they were "the one". ................................................ If you ever feel it then you realize that it absolutely reduces you to an emotional mess. I think most people don't actually ever meet someone that they truly love.

So the only people you've truly loved are people you've never actually had a relationship with? Think about that for a minute.

To truly love someone you need to love them after you get to know them. 'Warts and all.' Past the tidbits they choose to tell strangers in pubs about from their late teens. When you get that fuzzy feeling when you see them hold the door for another person in a shop, or when you want to cook them a nice lunch just because, or listen to their woes after a hard day at work, or make a fuss of them when their Minorly sick. These may not be the most romantic or glamorous of scenarios, but when you truly love someone that's what they can easily become!

Granted, it sounds like you didn't truly love your exes. And you may have become bored. So no wonder feeling excited meeting people out and about can feel generally magnified, and you're directing those feelings towards the person who ignited them.

What was it about this Galway girl that made you want to have kids with her? Did she make her plans for parenting sound cool or exciting, and that made you want in? Did you ever listen to what your ex fiancé wanted out of parenting? Did you guys ever communicate in such a way as you and the Galway girl seemed to?


When you say emotional mess, what do you mean? To me, true love is exciting, delighting, fulfilling, butterflies, etc. It's a wonderfully happy estactic time, why would something like true love leave you a mess???

GingerLily

I've only been in love once, if your saying you've been in love a few times with girls you never had relationships with then I don't believe you know what love is.

I don't think your ready for a relationship, you're just out of an engagement, and this stalking those pubs thing is pure madness.

Story Bud?

Sorry OP but you don't know what "true love" is.

Merkin

Rekop dog wrote: »

So creepy. I seldom pick up a genuinely worrisome vibe from an online poster, but the streams of insanity in this thread is on another level. Best advice would be to get some professional help ASAP. I assume there's been some sort of event in your life you that haven't mentioned, bereavement or massive upheaval that's triggered this.

I suggest you go and read the charter before posting again because the post above falls well below the standard expected here.

Flippyfloppy

In fairness OP you were right to break up with your ex if you can feel so strongly about someone you just met in comparison to her.

Whether or not you find the Galway girl and whether she has feelings for you remains to be seen, but my advice is to be more proactive from now on when you meet those you have strong feelings for, and see if reciprocated and if so where it goes from there.

ibarelycare

Wow you think you're in love with a woman who you spoke to for a few hours? OP sorry but you're completely delusional and living in a fantasy world. How can you be in love with someone who you've only ever seen at their very best (dressed up for a night out, in a good mood, trying to impress you)? You've only scratched the surface of this girl's personality. You really have no idea what she's like.

I feel so sorry for your ex-fiance. I can't imagine having to tell people that the man who asked me to marry him, who wanted to spend the rest of his life with me, gave it all up because he "fell in love" with a girl he spent a few hours with over drinks?

You seriously need help OP. This is obsessive and worrying behaviour.

XsApollo

I wouldn't say it's obsessive behaviour or worrying.

Now it would be obsessive if you actually met her again and she said she didn't feel the same and you kept on at her.

If you can find her ,find her.
What have you got to lose?
Maybe she is thinking the same way,
and if she isn't then you will know and can move on.

Idle Passerby

This girl was just a catalyst to end a relationship you were unhappy in. Nothing more. As others have pointed out, you don't know her from Adam! Fine she was attractive, that's all you know!

If I was this girl and you tracked me down to say you'd broken up with your fiancée because you'd fallen in love with me, I'd run a mile. It paints you as immature, unrealistic, obsessive and completely disloyal. Why would a total stranger find any of that attractive in some guy she met months ago on a night out?

Grow up OP and figure out what's wrong in your life that you would rather entertain fantasies about strangers than make a real commitment to someone you've invested time in getting to know.

BetsyEllen

OP, I just want to give you a different point of view here...If I was the Galway Girl and you turned up in my local one night, confessed you haven't stopped thinking of me, went home and split with your fiancé because of meeting me, had been 'loitering' around Galway at the weekends in the hope of bumping into me despite living miles away...I would politely tell you I was going to the toilet and then do a legger out the back door.

I would be truly freaked and think your behaviour was bizarre and I can't think of any females I know who would think it romantic etc.

You have only split with your fiancé in recent weeks and you already say 'I've tried getting back in the game but every woman I meet just doesn't match up. They don't even match up to my ex fiancé if the truth be told. So I'm a bit worried for the future' - that is mad. You've only been single for a few weeks and you're already worrying about not meeting someone else that 'matches up' to a girl you knew for a few hours or the fiancé that you dumped?

You need to chill out and take some time to yourself.

I wouldn't encourage you to find this Galway Girl, I think if you find her you may just embarrass yourself and you already sound like your head is not in the right place at the moment so I think it would just be best to avoid the situation.

A bit of time to just enjoy being single, doing hobbies that you enjoy, spending time with friends and family will do you a lot of good and you'll see things a bit clearer then.

timmy880

I've tried getting back in the game but every woman I meet just doesn't match up.

So in the last 2 months you've become infatuated with someone, now your relationship with your fiancée has ended and you've also tried "getting back in the game"...

There's alot going on here but I think you need to take some time out for yourself and figure out what's really going on here. There's an element of sabotage for starters, considering your fiancée could see obvious changes in your behaviour straight after this stag do.

Don't be in such a rush! If you think this Galway Girl is the one then fair enough... But ask yourself, is she thinking about the fella that she chatted to for a few hours back in May over a few drinks?

LegacyUser

I see one of the following happening:

1. You never meet her again and gradually massively regret breaking up with your fiancee when the people you date never measure up to her.

2. You actually meet the girl again after prolonged stalking and she acts like she doesn't know you, avoids you, or embarrassingly says hi and then goes back to her boyfriend.

3. You meet her and start talking, she doesn't seem as into it, but you still get on well enough and agree to meet again. You get into some sort of relationship but she doesn't half live up to your expectation. You're constantly disappointed. You move in together anyway. Gradually, after 6 moths or so she starts to irritate you in her lack of interest and blasé attitude to the relationship. You start to find faults with her all over the place when the day to day humdrum reality kicks in and the complete projection you created dissolves and you're left with a disproportionate amount of hate directed towards her for 'ruining your life'. She has a lot of issues you're unable to deal with, and her growing vulnerability and dependence on you starts to turn you off. She's not supposed be real, to suffer from depression and go not shaving her legs for weeks legs and slowly gain weight. You're too stubborn to admit you made a mistake so you live on in bitter unhappiness, and then when she starts to get needy when you lose all interest, you find she actually repels you. Then on a trip to the local shop or a night out whatever you spot a beautiful girl, there's something about her and you fantasise about a life with her free from stress and both of you floating off into clouds of dreamy happiness with kids and marriage etc, and it starts again.

So what I'm saying is there's something in you you need to fix, a void you need to fill, and someone else wil not do that. No matter how infatuated at the start you are, it is a total mirage and a projection because of all that's missing in your life, excitement, fulfillment. Your putting your life and hopes and happiness purely on the hands of another and that is always going to fail and backfire. So make yourself happy alone first, then when you meet someone you won't put all your eggs in the one basket, you'll take it slow, no desperation to see them, and there will be a relaxed feeling that you would like it work but you'll be totally ok if not. And that's the way it should be.

Johngoose

I know people are highly critical of you here,but seeing as you have ended your relationship,why not track this girl down?I would not mention to this girl about ending the relationship because of meeting her.You should possibly give her another reason as to why it didn't work out.It would freak her out if you told her the exact reason.As for women here who criticise you for going to the pubs she frequents,I don't think there is any woman who at one point in her life hasn't gone to a particular pub or nightclub hoping to "bump" into a particular guy she thought might show up in that particular spot!

ibarelycare

Johngoose wrote: »

I don't think there is any woman who at one point in her life hasn't gone to a particular pub or nightclub hoping to "bump" into a particular guy she thought might show up in that particular spot!

There's a difference between doing this, and travelling from one end of the country to the other four times (so far, with another one in the pipeline) to hang around pubs on his own on the chance he'll see her.

BetsyEllen

Johngoose wrote: »

I know people are highly critical of you here,but seeing as you have ended your relationship,why not track this girl down?I would not mention to this girl about ending the relationship because of meeting her.You should possibly give her another reason as to why it didn't work out.It would freak her out if you told her the exact reason.As for women here who criticise you for going to the pubs she frequents,I don't think there is any woman who at one point in her life hasn't gone to a particular pub or nightclub hoping to "bump" into a particular guy she thought might show up in that particular spot!

But driving for miles every weekend, booking accommodation etc, and 'loitering' around...bit of a difference, no?

eviltwin

It's very full on OP. I'd be a bit spooked if a guy I had a conversation with months ago on a drunken night out came looking for me to try starting a relationship. Besides it being a bit creepy I'm not sure I'd want to get involved with someone just out of such a serious relationship.

I think you should look at this girl as the catalyst to ending what was obviously a bad relationship and leave it at that. Spend some time on your own figuring out what you want out of a partner and give yourself a chance to get over the breakup with your fiancee. You are investing a massive amount into what was really a very insignificant event, you were under the influence of alcohol on a weekend away, your defences were down and you were unsatisfied with your home life so you're probably looking at this with rose tinted glasses.

Even if you manage to find her and assuming you hook up how long before reality sets it and you start looking to find that spark with someone else?

Idle Passerby

@Johngoose not to mention that he ended a serious relationship because he "fell in love" with this woman. Traipsing across the country because he's decided she's "the one" is a bit more than just popping into a particular pub on the off chance of seeing an idle crush.

Johngoose

Okay I agree with the above posters to a degree.I just think that when a man does what plenty of women do,people are very quick to call him a "stalker,"" creep" and other names. I've heard of a woman banging on her ex's door until she was buzzed into his apartment and then confronting a girl he had met that night.I think that women get away with way more and aren't criticised as much.

BetsyEllen

Johngoose wrote: »

Okay I agree with the above posters to a degree.I just think that when a man does what plenty of women do,people are very quick to call him a "stalker,"" creep" and other names. I've heard of a woman banging on her ex's door until she was buzzed into his apartment and then confronting a girl he had met that night.I think that women get away with way more and aren't criticised as much.

No, I would call that girl a nutjob...absolutely bizarre behaviour.

Any woman that behaved in the way the OP is behaving would receive the exact same advice from me that I have given on this thread.

If a female friend was doing it I would seriously tell her to cop on to herself and that her behaviour was bordering on madness.

ibarelycare

Johngoose wrote: »

Okay I agree with the above posters to a degree.I just think that when a man does what plenty of women do,people are very quick to call him a "stalker,"" creep" and other names. I've heard of a woman banging on her ex's door until she was buzzed into his apartment and then confronting a girl he had met that night.I think that women get away with way more and aren't criticised as much.

What makes you think that the people here wouldn't call that girl creepy or a stalker either? I don't think any woman doing the same as this man would "get away" with it and not be criticised. This isn't a sexism issue so stop trying to make it into one.

bmwguy

I echo johngoose, you should find her but be very careful about how you explain recent events. Tell her your engagement is over, it just wasn't right for either of you. You will also have to come up with a reason that you are in Galway, if you do happen to meet her. Lots of people do this though, just happen to be somewhere. Borderline stalking but once it's for the right reasons and everyone is receptive what's the harm.

Women spot lies miles off though so be careful. And she sounds like a great girl, I think I fancy her myself and wouldn't mind meeting her. Be nice to her, no obsessive weird stuff you do sound on the obsessive side.

Magicmatilda

Firstly you did the right thing being honest with your Fiancee, you maybe should not have gotten engaged in the first place but there you go. You were honest and that is a good thing.

Now about the girl in Galway. I had a similar situation myself in Kerry at New Years. I saw a guy in a pub and I felt immediately drawn to him and he to me. We made eyes at each other for a while and then I went and said Hi as I was passing. I decided to be brave and start a conversation but when I went back to where he was he was gone. Anyway the next night I bumped into him. He told me that he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about me and I had an affect on him, he said “maybe in another lifetime”. We only spoke for a few minutes but the chemistry I felt I have rarely felt before or since. I realised that he had a partner/girlfriend/wife from the way he was talking (and I saw her later on in the night), so I understood why although he clearly felt the same chemistry he was not going to act on it. I respected him for that. I got his first name and off he went into the night and I have never seen him again. He wasn’t Irish and I don't think he lives in Kerry, not that it makes a difference.

The relevance here is that if this guy decided to somehow look me up and found me how would I feel. Honestly, I would understand, because I felt that chemistry. Now as it happens I am totally smitten with someone else at this stage so I don’t think anything would happen. But I wouldn’t think he was a freak or a creep or anything like it. Now if he continued after I explained my situation I might. The point is that it is entirely possible to have those feelings. I am amazed how many people don’t believe in love at first sight. I don't love this guy but I know myself and know that the basic required were there and it is entirely possible that if he didn't have a girlfriend I would have fallen in love with him.

My advice would be to contact a local radio station and explain the story, see if they can help, giving them the details. Maybe post in the Galway area of boards, local newspapers. If it doesn’t work out for whatever reason well and good. Leave it be. But maybe it will work out and that is worth a shot. Best of luck with it.

Maybe set yourself a date by which if you do not find her you will give up.

njs030

bmwguy wrote: »

what's the harm.

The harm is once op gets to know this woman and the shine wears off he'll get bored of her too and it'll be yet another woman he's hurt, but this time with encouragement from people on this thread.

Anyone who says things like other people have never known true love and talks about the only women he's really loved are those he couldn't be with needs serious help.

Op for once act responsibly and see a professional to work through this never ending chase of the perfect woman. It's quite scary to see how you've painted yourself as this hopeless romantic desperately searching for your one true love....believe me we can all be perfect for a few hours. It's when we're less than loveable and the other person sticks around it becomes "true love".

batmanrobin

Magicmatilda wrote: »

I am amazed how many people don’t believe in love at first sight.

My advice would be to contact a local radio station and explain the story, see if they can help, giving them the details. Maybe post in the Galway area of boards, local newspapers.

I do believe in love at first sight. It's happened to me once in 30 odd years. It is a very rare, profound thing to experience.

However, for the OP it seems to have happened so often I think he's mistaking it with lust.

I do not agree with the radio or ad placements!! Way too much. This is real life, no Hollywood. He has no right to go to those extremes. She might be hugely uncomfortable with that. I know I would.

OP, it really sounds like you are using women to fill something that's lacking in you. You ended your relationship because of this other woman, yet you're off out chasing other women?!!! At what point do you stop and process? Come off it now, if this Galway woman was the one, you wouldn't even be engaging with other women. You'd have zero interest in even looking at these other women.

So no, I really don't think you're in love. You fail to grasp what love really is.

ibarelycare

Magicmatilda wrote: »

I am amazed how many people don’t believe in love at first sight. I don't love this guy but I know myself and know that the basic required were there and it is entirely possible that if he didn't have a girlfriend I would have fallen in love with him.

There is no such thing as love at first sight. It's lust, infatuation, chemistry. But not love. You may very well have fallen in love with him over time, of course that's possible. But you could say that about any person you meet. This guy could have come across as the most amazing guy in the world but for all you know he could have been a complete asshole, or he could have had some very annoying personality traits that you didn't experience in the short time you spoke to him for, or he could have been a womaniser, or he could have been godawful in bed, or he could have had completely different political/religious views to you, or he could have been any myriad of things that would make you not fall in love with him after getting to know him. The exact same can be said for the OP's situation.

Story Bud?

bmwguy wrote: »

And she sounds like a great girl, I think I fancy her myself and wouldn't mind meeting her. Be nice to her, no obsessive weird stuff you do sound on the obsessive side.

You fancy a girl that an obsessive person on the Internet describes as being great craic and a laugh?

I'm not sure if that's worse than the OP or not. At least he met the girl.

BetsyEllen

bmwguy wrote: »

And she sounds like a great girl, I think I fancy her myself and wouldn't mind meeting her. Be nice to her, no obsessive weird stuff you do sound on the obsessive side.

This thread just gets weirder
How on earth does she sound like a great girl? The OP has told us nothing about her, all he's said is he spoke to a female from Galway or possible Mayo for the night and feels she is the one.

How do you fancy her and want to meet her yourself based off this?
Gobsmacked.

racso1975

Story Bud? wrote: »

You fancy a girl that an obsessive person on the Internet describes as being great craic and a laugh?

I'm not sure if that's worse than the OP or not. At least he met the girl.

All begining to sound very "Something about Mary"

FAILSAFE 00

bmwguy wrote: »

... she sounds like a great girl, I think I fancy her myself and wouldn't mind meeting her. Be nice to her, no obsessive weird stuff you do sound on the obsessive side.

The only question is who will find her first lol.

Eimee90

BetsyEllen wrote:

This thread just gets weirder How on earth does she sound like a great girl? The OP has told us nothing about her, all he's said is he spoke to a female from Galway or possible Mayo for the night and feels she is the one.

BetsyEllen wrote:

How do you fancy her and want to meet her yourself based off this? Gobsmacked.

I presume this poster was being sarcastic , doubt they were serious.

SusieBlue

You can't ever have truly loved your ex fiancé if you were willing to throw it all away for someone you only got to know for a few hours.
If a few shared interests and chemistry is all it takes to turn your head away from a committed relationship I struggle to see how you'll ever remain settled with anyone.

Honestly, this thread is mindblowing. I agree with everyone who suggested what you have previously experienced & are currently experiencing is lust and not love. Your actions show a flippancy and immaturity that leads me to believe you wouldnt have a positive influence on any woman and need to be by yourself while you work on these issues.

I feel extremely sorry for your ex, whose time you wasted so much of and are now humiliating by chasing a woman you don't even know half way across the country like a love sick puppy.

All I can add that hasn't been said already is that when your quest is over, whether it be that it doesn't work out with Galway Girl (likely) or you aren't able to find her (even more likely), please leave your ex alone to move on in peace.
Don't start thing up with her again just because you can't find something better. She's been hurt and humiliated enough.
Leave the poor woman get on with her life and find someone who will truly love her & be loyal to her.

bmwguy

elsa21 wrote: »

I presume this poster was being sarcastic , doubt they were serious.

Thank you Elsa....for those that think I was for real and responded, lighten up!

dudara

bmwguy - please read the PI/RI forum charter before posting again. As this is a sensitive forum, we expect responses to be constructive and on topic.

dudara

rondog

ID SAY GO down on the august bank holiday weekend.Head down on the Friday,go out and have a look.Repeat on the Sat and sunday at her favourite bars.Id say youhave a good chance meeting her then.

Don't tell her the story,just say you came down with a couple of Friends who went home early.

Go out for a few dates and see how things progress.The story about your fianc e can wait for a few months if all goes well.Just say you had to admit you didn't love her so you split.

revealing the truth will scare her id say.

NIMAN

NIMAN wrote: »

You also assume that this girl feels the same way you do, which is probably very unlikely.

Should she happen to come out of a bar some night in Galway and you approach her, how do you honestly think she will react? What if she is with her boyfriend? Will she be glad to see you?

I very much doubt it.

To have gotten so smitten over someone you only knew for a matter of hours does sound a tad silly and immature imho. I think you need to forget about her and move on.

I think I answered your question in my posts before you even asked that question.

beks101

beks101 wrote: »

This explains a lot tbh. Sounds like you've got some kind of pattern going with these infatuations with women you're not, and never will be, in a relationship with. Like that's your dating pattern and some sort of escapism or projection for you or something. A tangible reason to get out of a stagnant relationship perhaps, or a "grass is greener" mentality. It's a pattern you're perpetuating again now with this Galway girl and your fiancee.

What you describe as "true love", most of us would call lust or infatuation. Or quite simply "chemistry". Meeting someone and fancying them and bouncing off their energy. You're not even sure of this girl's surname or where she works, hardly grounds for declaring evarlasting love or deeming her "the one" (sounds like you've had several "ones" at this stage by the above description).

I think she and all these other women you were "totally in love" with are a symptom of what you're not getting in your relationships. What you didn't have with your ex fiancee. Those butterflies and that stomach-churning attraction that drives two people together. As opposed to someone being your mate or being "good on paper" and falling into some kind of redundant 'romance' with them that's lacking something pretty vital.

Honestly, I think you need to do some soul-searching before you go jumping into your next relationship. You need to learn from this. Why are you falling into relationships with women that don't quite 'fit', only to fall for another woman hook line and sinker like some sort of lovelorn teenager a few months/years down the road? What in you can't see the wood for the trees when you meet a woman you have chemistry with, despite being committed to someone else? This is something that happens quite commonly to most people in relationships by the way. Most people however, don't declare themselves "totally in love" with said randomer from a night out and break off their relationship over it.

Use your head and not your emotions now, which are all over the place because of the sh1tshow of the last few months, in no small part I'm sure because you've massively disrupted two lives and that's no doubt resulted in quite a fallout.

Don't use this "Galway girl" as a bandaid. Figure out exactly what she represents and endeavour to prevent this scenario from ever happening again, if only to spare the feelings of the next girl that gets her life uprooted because of it.

Firstly, I don't think knowing ones full name is a prerequisite for loving them. You just talk to someone and you look at someone and the subconscious part of your brain does a load of calculations in the back ground and decides on how appropriate a partner this person you are talking to is.

Secondly, you are kind of right on the rest of what you said. I know I've ****ed up my ex fiancée's life big time but to be honest I couldn't have predicted this Galway thing happening. Its obviously clear to me now that I didn't love her enough to marry her and spend the rest of my life with her but we had a really good life and relationship. There is not a snowballs chance in hell I'd have broke up with my ex prior to the Galway thing. But when I met that girl in Galway it hit me like a ton of bricks. It felt like I had no control over events after it. I don't think my situation is actually that unusual. It probably happens all the time. But you're right that going forward I have to avoid making the same mistake. On saying that I've really only made this mistake once, which was the occasion I first described. Prior to the ~7 year relationship with my ex fiancée, I had other girlfriends but those relationships only lasted less than 6 months each before I broke up with them so I don't think I'm necessarily leading anyone on generally. I usually find that 6 months is the period of time after which a girl begins to drop the act and you discover they are actually a psycho . But yeah, I don't want to be ****ing up anyones life like I have just done with my ex fiancée so I'll obviously be a bit more cautious from now on. I'll have to be sure.

Flippyfloppy

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

So the only people you've truly loved are people you've never actually had a relationship with? Think about that for a minute.

A minute? I've been thinking about them the last 8 years and how I messed it all up when the window of opportunity presented itself. All because I was either inexperienced or too shy or too lazy. After meeting that girl in Galway I've been kicking myself for just walking away from someone like that again. So I just decided that I needed to grow a pair of balls and actually make an effort this time even if the chance of finding her now is possibly low.

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

To truly love someone you need to love them after you get to know them. 'Warts and all.' Past the tidbits they choose to tell strangers in pubs about from their late teens. When you get that fuzzy feeling when you see them hold the door for another person in a shop, or when you want to cook them a nice lunch just because, or listen to their woes after a hard day at work, or make a fuss of them when their Minorly sick. These may not be the most romantic or glamorous of scenarios, but when you truly love someone that's what they can easily become!

I realize she will have plenty of warts. Some of them I know already. There may be plenty that I don't yet know but that's not a good enough reason for not trying to find her, see if she is still interested and then find out.

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

What was it about this Galway girl that made you want to have kids with her? Did she make her plans for parenting sound cool or exciting, and that made you want in? Did you ever listen to what your ex fiancé wanted out of parenting? Did you guys ever communicate in such a way as you and the Galway girl seemed to?

Again I don't want to be discussing the personal details of her life on the internet but from what she told me it seemed like she was a really strong, kind and genuine person. She didn't make parenting sound cool or fun. She just came across as a natural mother. As in, having kids was one of her key aims in life as well as other things which I wont discuss. But it wasn't just that. It's probably more that I clicked with her on other things. Its probably more complicated than I can describe without giving out details. I just know that if I listened to my gut, then I really did not want to have kids with my ex fiancée. It was getting to the stage where I was either avoiding sex or taking a lot more precautions during sex even though she was on the pill. The contrast in how I felt about having kids between my ex and the girl I had just met could not have been more dramatic. Might sound retarded but I decided to trust what my gut was telling me.

Flippyfloppy wrote: »

When you say emotional mess, what do you mean? To me, true love is exciting, delighting, fulfilling, butterflies, etc. It's a wonderfully happy estactic time, why would something like true love leave you a mess???

Yes love is as you describe. But if you really love someone and they then tell you to **** off as they hate you then you'd be an emotional mess fairly quickly. My emotional mess was caused by the fact that I felt I really loved someone and I had walked away from them, never to see them again, while at the same time I felt I was now marrying a woman that I never felt that same level of love for ever. You'd be surprised how that can **** you up emotionally. I recognized the feeling because the first person I loved over ten years ago was from Finland who I met in Belgium. We got quiet close over there on a week long holiday but I backed off when she made an advance on me as I was so shy at the time. We kept in contact and I knew I had feelings for her. But when about 2 years later she came to visit me and stayed in my gaff for a few days, I, at least, fell in love with her. I think the feeling was mutual but I didn't act on it as she was going back to live in Finland. The minute she left I was an emotional mess. I ended up severe depression. I didn't understand it at the time but I was a mess because I realized I'd never see her again and I had let her walk off without telling her how I felt.

GingerLily

GingerLily wrote: »

I've only been in love once, if your saying you've been in love a few times with girls you never had relationships with then I don't believe you know what love is.

I don't think your ready for a relationship, you're just out of an engagement, and this stalking those pubs thing is pure madness.

Ok if that's what makes you happy but I assure you I know what love is. I don't think you need to have sex with someone regularly or have a facebook status that states "In a relationship" to love someone. My experience from meeting and dating women is that you meet and talk to about a 1,000 women and maybe you fancy them and maybe you'd like to have sex with some of them or maybe you'd like to hang out with some of them and get to know them better as they have potential and some of them you know you definitely don't like them due to either their personality or their looks and vice versa about how those 1000 women feel about you. And then you meet that one girl in a 1000 that initially you think is hot (she might not even be that hot) and you get chatting to them and you find it easy to talk to them and next thing you're just naturally having the craic with her and talking about ridiculous **** and you don't even notice it but your really enjoying it. It takes no effort. Its all just natural. And then either a few hours later or a few days later when you meet them again you realize that you love them. Butterflies. Big time butterflies. Its overwhelming. If it feels like they feel the same way then its ridiculously overwhelming.

I don't know. Should I have to explain all this to you people? A lot of people commenting on this post definitely don't seem to recognize love or accept that I fell in love with a girl. Not sure why? There is such a thing as love at first sight although I have never experienced it. I fall in love more with personality than looks although for me to fall in love properly I obviously have to fancy them first.

Story Bud?

Story Bud? wrote: »

Sorry OP but you don't know what "true love" is.

Pray tell I'm dying to know the foolishness of my folly. You've left me in suspense by saying I don't understand it but you obviously do.