Haven't spoken in weeks

The Young Wan

I live in the UK at the moment for an MA, and I was there on the day the Brexit results came out. Naturally, I was worried and confused about what that meant for my work rights and status in the UK, so thought to go home for a couple days to sort everything out with my parents. I would then come back with a clearer head, and get back to work on my thesis due in August.

I said this to some friends, and one of them attacked me verbally for my decision. "This is the stupidest thing you will ever do, and you're completely crazy for thinking it." I told her I was worried for my future and wanted to sort it out, and again she called me crazy because "everyone knows what's happening. The UK is leaving the EU."

In the end I didn't go home, because my decision had been criticised enough. I've always been called the "stupid one" of the group but that day, it really hurt me.

We haven't spoken since. Does anyone have any advice on how to approach her to talk about it, as she is very strong minded and will at least attempt to make me question my decisions again, or make me feel like yes actually I was crazy.

LegacyUser

I can see your friends POV, you need to finish your thesis, your almost there, Brexit isn't going to happen over night.
Focus on your college work now and when that's done you need to have a chat with your friend, about how she talks to you. I think she was right to persuade you to stay but she should not have been nasty, that's not okay, you deserve respect from your friends, it's the foundation of any real friendship.

Lollipops23

Your "friend" is a nasty bully. I wouldn't think to long and hard about cutting her out. Do what you want to do- come home for a visit when you want, without explanation to anybody. You're an adult.

Side note- nobody really knows what will happen yet regarding work visas etc. but nothing it likely to happen in the immediate. Keep trucking away at the MA and best of luck with your thesis.

silverharp

The Young Wan wrote: »

In the end I didn't go home, because my decision had been criticised enough. I've always been called the "stupid one" of the group but that day, it really hurt me.

was their attitude that you were being silly for worrying because the UK leaving the EU couldn't possibly affect you? your friend/s sound obnoxious , who has friends where you are known as the stupid one? find new friends , It sounds like you are beholden to some queen bee who doesn't realise she is out of secondary school.
You will be done with them in a couple of months, go to ground and focus on your thesis, you don't need friends that are bullying in their behaviour.

zoobizoo

Ah yes... the advice to just ditch your friend.......

Listen, you were worried, your friend said it was the "stupidest" thing you'd ever do. Did she say "You are stupid!" on that day?

If a friend of mine was taking what I considered a poor choice of action, I'd advise them against doing so and I'd hope they would do the same for me.

Friends come to me asking about advice on whether to change jobs - I might tell them that it'd be a crazy thing to do due to "extra stress, longer commute, poor prospects.............."

Now, if you are constantly being told you are stupid by her, or are made feel stupid constantly, then look out for new buddies.

Lollipops23

zoo, according to the OP the "friend" constantly calls her stupid. I wouldn't be taking that from anyone, friend or otherwise.

GingerLily

Lollipops23 wrote: »

zoo, according to the OP the "friend" constantly calls her stupid. I wouldn't be taking that from anyone, friend or otherwise.

She's said she's called "the stupid one" in the group, not that this friend calls her stupid, they're not the same thing.

The Young Wan

This is a transcript of what she said to me:

You're being really stupid. The full effect of a Brexit vote won't come into effect until at least 2020. negotiations won't start until we have a new PM in October and so nothing will happen before then. You can make a rash decision now but it's probably one you will regret - just don't complain to me when that time comes. And with that, I have to continue driving to Ipswich. It's clear what's going on. The markets and currency are both crashing. Everyone apart from the leave campaign are appalled. David Cameron is stepping down in October and negotiations will start after that. That's what's happening. It's pretty ****ing clear. How about reading the news? Back to driving. Will not respond for a while

When I said yes, but I was still concerned about what was going to happen for me and my work future:

I'm not going to argue with you. You honestly wouldn't get it.

LegacyUser

Your friend may have spoken to you unnecessarily harshly, but your thoughts and actions on this were, to be frank, off the wall. A referendum result which will probably never be enacted or will take at least two years to do so is not grounds for sorting something out with your parents (like what? what were they going to do about a political situation?) or making any alteration to your study plan. Why would you change anything when you have, at most, 7 weeks to go?
There is no immediate impact at all on your status in the UK and that possibility hasn't even been raised by the most outlandish of media, so I would imagine your friend's reaction is a reflection of how bizarre your behaviour was, non-UK nationals aren't leaving to discuss the matter with families only to immediately return and carry on as normal.

As to the idea of approaching your friend, I wouldn't bother if I were you, if they're so unkind you may be better off without them, but more likely the friendship will resume again when something causes it to, like a night out or some similar event and making a point of approaching your friend to talk about it will only fuel the fire.

pinkyx

OP if that's what she said to you then she is not a very good friend. That's a very rude and disrespectful way of speaking to someone. Please don't feel you need to be friends with people like this, it will have a negative affect on your self esteem.

You are not stupid for feeling insecure of your future in the UK in light of the Brexit result or not fully understanding what is going to happen. I live in the UK and I can tell you that NO ONE is entirely sure what's going to happen, even the politicians themselves don't seem to know what to do next. You are not stupid for feeling unsure, there is nothing 'pretty F****** clear about it at all' no matter what your friend says.

For your friend to say that she 'can't be bothered to argue with you because, you wouldn't get it' is a straight out insult and no way to talk to a friend.

For your friend to say that going home for a few days to clear your head is 'the stupidest decision you have ever made' is totally nonsense. You are entitled to head home for a bit for any reason, if that's the stupidest thing you do in your life then you haven't done many stupid things!

Get new friends OP she sounds vile.

Lady is a tramp

Your "friend" sounds pure toxic. How f*cking condescending can you get! :eek:

The Young Wan

That message was part of a group chat. She messaged the other participant privately to tell her that she (the original) "cannot deal with her at the moment."

kunst nugget

pinkyx wrote: »

OP if that's what she said to you then she is not a very good friend. That's a very rude and disrespectful way of speaking to someone. Please don't feel you need to be friends with people like this, it will have a negative affect on your self esteem.

You are not stupid for feeling insecure of your future in the UK in light of the Brexit result or not fully understanding what is going to happen. I live in the UK and I can tell you that NO ONE is entirely sure what's going to happen, even the politicians themselves don't seem to know what to do next. You are not stupid for feeling unsure, there is nothing 'pretty F****** clear about it at all' no matter what your friend says.

For your friend to say that she 'can't be bothered to argue with you because, you wouldn't get it' is a straight out insult and no way to talk to a friend.

For your friend to say that going home for a few days to clear your head is 'the stupidest decision you have ever made' is totally nonsense. You are entitled to head home for a bit for any reason, if that's the stupidest thing you do in your life then you haven't done many stupid things!

Get new friends OP she sounds vile.

The friend might be harsh but she's speaking the truth. Absolutely nothing is going to happen before the thesis is due in August - considering that's next month, there's not much time left. I think the friend was trying to keep the OP on the straight and narrow and concentrate on the thesis rather than worry about something that at the moment is not going to have any effect on her studies. I'm guessing there's some exasperation on the part of the friend and the language isn't exactly pleasant but I'm wondering what she was replying to and how much back and forth was happening before this in terms of trying to reassure the OP.

GingerLily

I think you're going OTT OP. There was no need to come home, you need to focus on your thesis and only your thesis for the moment.

K_P

I think there's two separate issues here. Yes, OP you might have been over-reacting a bit about Brexit as nothing was going to happen straight away and I'm not sure what exactly there was to sort out with your parents. However maybe you were feeling like heading home for a few days anyway, were a bit homesick, maybe it's been ages since you were home. It's really no one else's business when and why you go home for a few days.

However, the main issue is that your friend spoke to you appallingly. She was condescending, rude, sanctimonious and was deliberately trying to make you look stupid in front of other if this was a group chat. If that's how she speaks to people, if other people in the group are ok with her behaving like that, then I'd be looking for other friends.

I'm afraid I've no advice on how to approach her. My advice would be don't approach her about it. You're just inviting another verbal attack if you do so. Assuming that this is basically how she always is and there aren't tons of good points about her then I'd advise you to just move on. Focus on your thesis and do your best to not see her again.

bonyn

The Young Wan wrote: »

That message was part of a group chat. She messaged the other participant privately to tell her that she (the original) "cannot deal with her at the moment."

Sounds like your group thrives on drama.

You're doing a masters? How about researching brexit a little before hopping on a plane. You'd have realised it's not going to impact you in the short-term. Maybe you trying to make brexit a personal drama is what wound up your friend.

Faith

kunst nugget wrote: »

I'm guessing there's some exasperation on the part of the friend and the language isn't exactly pleasant but I'm wondering what she was replying to and how much back and forth was happening before this in terms of trying to reassure the OP.

Exasperation is exactly what I read from the message the friend sent. OP, do you maybe have a habit of making a big deal over issues when you don't need to?

twill

Actually, my impression from the message was that the "friend" was the drama queen. With the vile nickname given to the OP, it sounds as if she is the queen bee and the OP is there to inflate her status. I'd be glad to be shot of them all.

The Young Wan

I had wanted to go back to my parent's for a few days to figure out what was going to happen with work after my MA finished up. All I wanted was to go home and see them, then have them help me to figure out. To have someone I thought was my friend tell me I was crazy for thinking to do that, it didn't do much for my self esteem.

kunst nugget

The Young Wan wrote: »

I had wanted to go back to my parent's for a few days to figure out what was going to happen with work after my MA finished up. All I wanted was to go home and see them, then have them help me to figure out. To have someone I thought was my friend tell me I was crazy for thinking to do that, it didn't do much for my self esteem.

Given the time frame available to you to finish your thesis and the fact that nobody can actually advise you, not even your parents, what to do in relation to Brexit as no one actually knows what is going to happpen, surely it makes the most sense to stay and devote your time to your thesis. Nothing is going to happen before the completion of your thesis in August. If I was your friend I would tell you you're crazy to do it as well. You have plenty of time after your thesis is completed to get hugs, cuddles and reassuring cups of tea from your parents.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, you're friend could have spoken to you better. I agree. But, are you generally "needy"? Do you need/look for a lot of reassurance and guidance from others? I ask because, as adults, in a group, especially a group at masters level, it would be expected that you are fairly independent, clued in etc.

Your friend does sound exasperated with you. And sounds like her "there's no point explaining it to you because..." was meant in the way that even if they reassure you that you'll be fine, for now, you probably still wouldn't believe them, and you'd keep looking for assurance from people who know as much as you do. Again, I'm not saying your friend was right, but we've all snapped at someone who has been trying our patience. And if that person is constantly acting/reacting in a particular way, it can become very trying.

You're in a group? It's fair to say that you will get on better with some than others. Maybe this girl doesn't like you. She doesn't have to. She should just avoid you rather than be rude to you though. Maybe if you haven't spoken in weeks, that's what she's happy to do?

Rekop dog

I think you are just on different intellect levels and not sure there's much foundation there for a friendship, you seem prone to stupid knee jerk reactions without any basis and take offense when someone talks sense to you, she seems to have a low tolerance level for idiocy so probably best to leave it.

Dr Turk Turkelton

Op,I'm going to assume you're not doing a Masters in Cambridge or Oxford but is it in a field that you would be able to find work in Ireland or anywhere else in Europe if the UK does start to round up immigrants and throw them out?
Perhaps a chat with a career guidance counselor(if your college has one)might put your mind at ease rather than flying home to talk with your parents.
Do your friends call you the the stupid one in the group to your face?
Maybe they mean it as a bit of fun like Phoebe in Friends and your reading a bit too much into it.
I would be more worried if they were saying it behind your back.

The Young Wan

Dr Turk Turkelton wrote: »

Op,I'm going to assume you're not doing a Masters in Cambridge or Oxford but is it in a field that you would be able to find work in Ireland or anywhere else in Europe if the UK does start to round up immigrants and throw them out?
Perhaps a chat with a career guidance counselor(if your college has one)might put your mind at ease rather than flying home to talk with your parents.
Do your friends call you the the stupid one in the group to your face?
Maybe they mean it as a bit of fun like Phoebe in Friends and your reading a bit too much into it.
I would be more worried if they were saying it behind your back.

No. Not Oxbridge. As my friend has pointed out, and some posters here have agreed, I'm too stupid and crazy for that.

Journalism, so jobs anywhere areally few and far between, especially in Ireland. I was hoping to work in the UK, but with Brexit I'm not sure what's happening anymore. Some other EU citizens in my class have already gone home for good, so I'm not the only one over reacting.

They say it as I'm the Karen/Phoebe, but some of the remarks are quite snide. "You should have known that really. You're not fully intelligent are you."

Dr Turk Turkelton

With a masters in journalism would you not think of applying to Facebook or Twitter over here?
Also I wouldn't worry about being thrown out of the UK. I think that's why your friend was so blunt with you.
There is no way in hell that an Irish person will need a visa to work in the UK. It does seem as you were being a bit dramatic and she thought that the only way to put an end to it was too be extremely blunt. It may have hurt your feelings but I think she said it for your own good.
Imo you were being a bit silly about the whole thing and the fact that you are studying for a masters shows that you must be quite bright but your hysteria over Brexit would not show you in your best light.

twill

Brexit, from what I've observed on social media, seems to have provided an excuse for many people to pose as liberal, intellectual elites who sit in judgement of the lower orders who plunged the whole world into flames, insert apocalyptic rhetoric here. Hence OP becomes a convenient scapegoat for this nonsense.

Dr Turk Turkelton wrote: »

your hysteria

What hysteria? The OP expressed worry about (his? her?) future which may be misplaced but the "friend's" ranting about Cameron is more emotional as far as I can see. Unless you mean to discredit the OP by using the term.

The Young Wan wrote:

"You should have known that really. You're not fully intelligent are you."

Honestly, why do you associate with people who abuse you like this?

kunst nugget

The Young Wan wrote: »

No. Not Oxbridge. As my friend has pointed out, and some posters here have agreed, I'm too stupid and crazy for that.

Not one poster on here has said that...

twill

kunst nugget wrote: »

Not one poster on here has said that...

Yes, they have.

I think you are just on different intellect levels and not sure there's much foundation there for a friendship, you seem prone to stupid knee jerk reactions without any basis and take offense when someone talks sense to you, she seems to have a low tolerance level for idiocy so probably best to leave it.

The post was also thanked, so more than one, and it was implied by others.

The Young Wan

kunst nugget wrote: »

Not one poster on here has said that...

Please read rekop dog, who told me my friend and I are on different intellect levels, and that she cannot bide my idiocy.

GingerLily

OP, I think you need to get off boards and focus on your thesis, ultimately that's what's important.

Some people think your friend is a nasty cow, others think she was trying to help bit was exasperated with you. Does it really matter? Can't you wait till after your thesis to address this. It seems like your looking for a distraction, which is what I sense this friend thought about the whole Brexit trip home.

The Young Wan

GingerLily wrote: »

OP, I think you need to get off boards and focus on your thesis, ultimately that's what's important.

Some people think your friend is a nasty cow, others think she was trying to help bit was exasperated with you. Does it really matter? Can't you wait till after your thesis to address this. It seems like your looking for a distraction, which is what I sense this friend thought about the whole Brexit trip home.

Have you never gone online or to social media while working/studying?

So what, not speak to her at all until the day I hand in the project?

GingerLily

The Young Wan wrote: »

GingerLily wrote: »

OP, I think you need to get off boards and focus on your thesis, ultimately that's what's important.

Some people think your friend is a nasty cow, others think she was trying to help bit was exasperated with you. Does it really matter? Can't you wait till after your thesis to address this. It seems like your looking for a distraction, which is what I sense this friend thought about the whole Brexit trip home.

Have you never gone online or to social media while working/studying?

So what, not speak to her at all until the day I hand in the project?

I think so, best to leave the drama till after your thesis.

The Young Wan

GingerLily wrote: »

I think so, best to leave the drama till after your thesis.

Which is the day I go home for good. SO avoid her completely and leave it on bad terms?

meeeeh

I think your friend was rude but it also seems she was driving. Your reaction was a bit over the top and frankly I would find it annoying if I had to stop to reply to it.

I can understand an one off reaction like your friend's but if it's a constant thing then I would distance myself from her a bit.

twill

Honestly, while the drama may have been exacerbated by the fact that the writing up period is pretty fraught, it's really just uncovered some pretty toxic dynamics in the group. I think you should wait for her to contact you and apologise - she's the one who's been offensive, after all. If she doesn't, it's really not a great loss.

meeeeh

The Young Wan wrote: »

Which is the day I go home for good. SO avoid her completely and leave it on bad terms?

Do I get this right, you are leaving for good in a month or so and you wanted to fly home to discuss with your parents what will happen with your future in UK?

Big Bag of Chips

She hasn't tried to make contact with you, so I think it's fair to say she's not as affected by this as you are? What do you hope to achieve by talking to her? Do you feel you were any way in the wrong? Would you be looking for an apology or explanation from her? If she doesn't, what then? Tell her she's upset you? Have another exchange, and leave on bad terms anyway?

It sounds like she doesn't like you all that much. It sounds like you irritate her. I think you are just going to have to accept that. You cannot force her to like you. You cannot force her to be your friend. You cannot get her to apologise if she doesn't feel she should. Next time you see her or in the group chat or whatever, you can just continue on as if nothing happened. Or you can just finish your masters and never have to see or deal with this woman ever again. It doesn't appear you're going to be life long friends anyway.

Faith

The Young Wan wrote: »

I was hoping to work in the UK, but with Brexit I'm not sure what's happening anymore. Some other EU citizens in my class have already gone home for good, so I'm not the only one over reacting.

I would assume those people were already planning to leave, and they haven't just left because of the threat of Brexit. I'm moving to the UK in September for a 3-year contract, and Brexit doesn't change a thing right now.

I'm wondering if you follow politics, or read the news much? The timeline for Brexit is two years minimum, with experts saying it could take up to 6 years to sort out. Certainly, nothing is going to change significantly between now and 2019 or so. Even if Brexit goes ahead, even if it's worst case scenario for immigration, it's still very likely that there will be a reciprocal agreement between the UK and Ireland allowing free movement.

It sounds to me like you don't really understand Bexit particularly well, and before you jump to the conclusion, I'm not calling you stupid. It sounds like you're panicking, you texted your friend at an inconvenient time for her relating to that panic, and she sent a sharp reply back.

It's up to you whether you want to try to repair the friendship. I would highly recommend reflecting on her behaviour in the context of your behaviour, to understand whether she was frustrated or mean.

beks101

Oh, Brexit. The result has provoked all sorts of hysterical reactions and outlandish hyperboles and heightened emotions in people from the moment it was announced. People crying on the tube, frantically applying for passports, bemoaning the death of Britain, sitting and waiting to be deported, etc.

It sounds like your friend was just at her wit's end with your hysterics amid a sea of hysteria and reacted in a less than ideal way. And sounds like she was driving too, so less time to dress up her thoughts.

I mean really OP, what could you possible "sort out" with your parents about a referendum when not even the UK's political and economic leaders could tell you about its ramifications? You don't have a gun to your head to pack your bags and clear out of the UK - that's simply not going to happen - but you do have a thesis looming and to any sober mind that would take priority. If you felt the need to talk to your parents - why not call them? Why the dramatics? And surely if you're studying journalism you've been trained to read and research and investigate and evaluate and not get drawn in by Daily Fail commentary on such matters?

Brexit is emotional. But you totally overreacted and your friend in turn reacted to that. If this rude reaction is just one in a line of upsetting remarks you've had from her, well then that's another issue entirely. And maybe time to think about whether the friendship is worth your while.

cloudatlas

Your university should have a press release on their webpage that I'm sure will reassure you that any changes that may occur are far off. I know that a lot of students are concerned about funding, erasmus years and being able to finish their degrees if they start next year. If your thesis is due 2016-2017 you will be fine.

I also think that this 'friend' should be kicked to the sideline. She could have expressed it a bit better, many people are stressed and worried by the consequences of the referendum.

December2012

It might also be worth considering that you will need to toughen up for a journalism career

The Young Wan

December2012 wrote: »

It might also be worth considering that you will need to toughen up for a journalism career

I'mI'm plenty tough thank you, and more than capable of standing for myself, but can you honestly tell me that if, for the past nine months, in every encounter with someone you were made to feel the less intelligent one, you would honestly be ok with that?

dee_mc

The Young Wan wrote:

I'mI'm plenty tough thank you, and more than capable of standing for myself, but can you honestly tell me that if, for the past nine months, in every encounter with someone you were made to feel the less intelligent one, you would honestly be ok with that?

So you're not ok with it - either confront her about it, forget her, or reflect on what she has said to you and see if there's a grain of truth in it.
Frankly you come across as a drama queen who will twist people's words to fit her own agenda. I'm struggling to figure out why you started this thread, as you refuse to take on board any of the advice offered so far.

Big Bag of Chips

Maybe she is more intelligent than you? Maybe academically you're about equal, but maybe in terms of common sense she has more? That's not a bad reflection on you, by the way, people are just different, and have different strengths. Some people are "stronger personalities" than others. Some people are mouthy and opinionated. Doesn't mean you have to accept their opinion.

My son is highly intelligent, exceptional ability, but has not got an ounce of cop on. None! He's at the age now where he's recognising that in himself, and already trying to prepare himself for a future of not being as "street wise" as his peers. He used to get annoyed if it was mentioned. Now he laughs at himself and how oblivious he can be to everyday things.

What do you want to do about this? Do you want to confront her about how she has been treating you all these months? Do you want her to magically see the error of her ways? Confront her if you want. I can't see it getting you anywhere with her, but maybe standing up to her would be a good exercise in assertiveness for you?

face1990

The Young Wan wrote: »

I'mI'm plenty tough thank you, and more than capable of standing for myself, but can you honestly tell me that if, for the past nine months, in every encounter with someone you were made to feel the less intelligent one, you would honestly be ok with that?

I'd stop talking to someone if they constantly belittled me. And wouldn't care if I ended on bad terms with someone who was like that to me.

The impression I get from this thread is that there are a lot of things on your mind and panicking about all of them. The stress of a thesis, and the uncertainty of the immediate future after college, can really mess with your head and make it difficult to put things in context.

You really need to focus on the thesis for now.

Brexit won't affect your thesis.
Interpersonal problems happen in thesis groups all the time - it's good training for the real world where you'll have to work with people you don't get along with.
Put your work first, it's more important than friend drama and worrying about a hypothetical future.

Esel

Chicken Little and Foxy Loxy. Classic Walt Disney. That's my read on this thread. /Skyfall.

Genuine advice btw.

Big Bag of Chips

Also...

The Young Wan wrote: »

can you honestly tell me that if, for the past nine months, in every encounter with someone you were made to feel the less intelligent one, you would honestly be ok with that?

The Young Wan wrote: »

SO avoid her completely and leave it on bad terms?

If every encounter you have with her you're made to feel stupid, then I think the obvious thing to do is avoid her completely! Why would you insist on forcing a "friendship" with someone who clearly has such a low opinion of you?

I think doing anything except avoiding her will end in you leaving it on worse terms than now. And I will 100% guarantee, she's not as worked up about you as you are about her. I'd guess she doesn't even recognise that you're on bad terms!

GingerLily

Why were your friends giving you advice in the first place? Did you involve them?

Do you generally share a lot with them?

Do you listen to what they say in return?

Do you trust or ignore their advice usually?

Neyite

Rekop dog wrote: »

I think you are just on different intellect levels and not sure there's much foundation there for a friendship, you seem prone to stupid knee jerk reactions without any basis and take offense when someone talks sense to you, she seems to have a low tolerance level for idiocy so probably best to leave it.

Mod:

Dial it back please. This kind of posting is below standard here. You are coming very close to personal abuse here and there are far more constructive ways to get your point across in a way that doesn't insult the OP.

SarahMollie

OP, you've started a number of threads lately and there is one common theme - you care too much. Not every friendship is built to last but you seem to find this hard to grasp.

The sooner you realise that other people (this girl for example) are simply not devoting the time/worry to situations in the way that you are, you'll be better off.

Also, on Brexit, I can only echo what others have said. I don't know why you think your parents would be able to "sort" something for you when the outcome is not yet clear. The only thing we do know for certain is that nothing will happen overnight, so the only sensible thing to do is to plough ahead with your thesis.

kunst nugget

The Young Wan wrote: »

I'mI'm plenty tough thank you, and more than capable of standing for myself, but can you honestly tell me that if, for the past nine months, in every encounter with someone you were made to feel the less intelligent one, you would honestly be ok with that?

Why would you hang around with this person for nine months and include her on a group chat about what to do in the wake of Brexit if you know she's going to make you feel like the less intelligent one? Honestly, it sounds like you might have self esteem issues but this isn't something your friends are going to help you out with. Your self esteem shouldn't be based on other people's opinions of you but on what you think of yourself.


And I would echo what December 2012 said, if you're going to pursue a career in journalism, you are going to have to toughen up.