Partner is a scary drunk - how do I handle this?

sashafierce

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sasta le

This out of the blue or happens regular?
He drink much?

looksee

Of course it is him that has the problem! Do you want the anxiety of living day to day wondering when his next drunk episode will be? If this is an occasional thing you need to decide whether the relationship is worth putting up with the odd drunk problem, if it is regular then you have to look at the effect it has on your life and tell him the very next time he will wake up to find you gone. He is an adult, you can choose to mind and enable him, or prioritise your own life and sanity.

sashafierce

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Mr.Crinklewood

Are things ok now?

sashafierce

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tomwaterford

sashafierce wrote: »

I don't know I finally got him asleep about half four and he hasn't woke yet. Me however I have to be up now and I'm exhausted. I know that he would never go to AA but is there any other suggestions to make him see he needs help?

Show him the video??

Mongfinder General

sashafierce wrote: »

I don't know I finally got him asleep about half four and he hasn't woke yet. Me however I have to be up now and I'm exhausted. I know that he would never go to AA but is there any other suggestions to make him see he needs help?

I'm sorry to have to say this bit drop him before he makes your life miserable. Do you really want to put up with even the threat of this for the rest of your life?

Mr.Crinklewood

sashafierce wrote: »

I don't know I finally got him asleep about half four and he hasn't woke yet. Me however I have to be up now and I'm exhausted. I know that he would never go to AA but is there any other suggestions to make him see he needs help?

When he sobers up and "is himself " again, talk to him. ...then show the video. Hopefully this makes him see sense, if it does not you have some big decisions to make.


You ..try and get some sleep. ...maybe take a walk to get a bit of fresh air.

Mrs OBumble

Some words for you to Google:

AlAnon
Enabling

He is a grown man, not a baby. You should not have to get him to sleep.

LegacyUser

sashafierce wrote: »

<mod snip>No need to quote the full OP, makes reading difficult for mobile users

If he was on a work night out he probably drank way more than the 4 or 5 pints he usually does. He might have been pressured to stay longer than he normally would. If it's a rare occasion and he wasn't abusive or violent then threatening to leave him might be a bit drastic.

Talk to him, show him the video and see what he says.

I think a lot of,Irish people have gotten into a similar state at least once after a wedding or Christmas party or whatever.

It all depends on how you feel like the rest of your relationship is going. Are there any other warning signs of an alcohol problem....

Ursus Horribilis

sashafierce wrote: »

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I'd show him the video - it'd be interesting to know what other boardsies think about that. Is that a wise decision?

If he refuses to change his ways, then you've got a big decision to make. Alcohol doesn't agree with some people and really he should be giving it up. If he won't and/or is in denial then you've got two choices.
1. Put up with these episodes and the risks that go along with them. If I was you I'd think very long and hard before going with this option. What if you have children down the line? You've now been given a warning about what he's capable of. Could he become violent some night? Would you really want to expose children to this?
2. Leave.

There is nothing much you can do to make him accept that this is unacceptable. The only person who can stop him drinking is him. You've already had conversations with him about this and it's not stopping him.

sashafierce

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moving_home

Areyousure wrote: »

If he was on a work night out he probably drank way more than the 4 or 5 pints he usually does. He might have been pressured to stay longer than he normally would. If it's a rare occasion and he wasn't abusive or violent then threatening to leave him might be a bit drastic.

Talk to him, show him the video and see what he says.

I think a lot of,Irish people have gotten into a similar state at least once after a wedding or Christmas party or whatever.

It all depends on how you feel like the rest of your relationship is going. Are there any other warning signs of an alcohol problem....

And this is the problem with drink in this country in a nutshell. Drinking to the state of the OP's partner is NOT normal nor acceptable. We haven't all done it.

Ursus Horribilis

sashafierce wrote: »

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Or he refuses to see the difference...it's inconvenient for him.

johnb25

What age is he?
Also consider if something changes in his life, and he starts to drink more regularly.
Are there any men in his work or social circle that can go out without a drink, that could be role models?
If he can't handle drink he should cut it out.

seamus

This sounds like a very isolated incident, talk of walking out on him and saying he has a drinking problem are way over the top.

AA won't work. Aside from having a religious slant it's largely aimed at people who have an ongoing problem with alcohol that has adversely affected their whole lives. The OP is not at this place. Yet.
More likely he would attend, see a bunch of people in far worse straits than he and conclude that he's kind of OK.

He's a "curtains drawn" kind of drunk. Once drunk, is impervious to reason or suggestion, just does want he wants. Fine if all he wants to do is sleep, but that's not what he wants to do in the OP's case.

OP, it's a case of sitting him down and being straight with him. That last night wasn't a bit of craic, you were genuinely worried that he was going to burn the house down or whatever. Show him the video if he tries to laugh it off as nothing.

The "scare" you want to give him should be sufficient if he understands that he has upset the person he loves. Will it happen again? Possibly. When you go to a wedding, or there's some celebration and he gets carried away. He's human after all.
But if you make it clear to him that you're not going to be hanging around if you have to deal with this once a month or even a couple of times a year, he should understand the gravity of his behaviour last night.

And for god's sake make sure he's not dying of a hangover when you say it to him, otherwise it won't have the same impact. Wait until he's feeling human again, tomorrow if necessary.

selastich2

Your boyfriend got drunk and acted very stupid. You assaulted him. Calling the gardai for what? You say you weren't in fear of your safety?
Break up and both seek councilling

Loveinapril

He certainly sounds like a scary drunk but assaulting him and throwing water over him would not have helped the situation. You would have just added chaos to an already chaotic situation. You certainly should not be calling his family about it.
Wait til he is sober, discuss your concerns, show him the video and tell him he needs to stop drinking. No drama, shouting or name calling, just a simple explanation of the facts.

Meauldsegosha

sashafierce wrote: »

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OP have you ever addressed your violent tendencies with your counsellor?

selastich2

sashafierce wrote: »

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What did his mother/sister suggest? Did you get through? What time of the morning were they called it?

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe she slapped him on the face and threw water over him because that has been done in so many films and TV shows? Or as a desperate attempt to stop him in his tracks?

Loveinapril

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

Maybe she slapped him on the face and threw water over him because that has been done in so many films and TV shows? Or as a desperate attempt to stop him in his tracks?

If someone threw water and slapped someone while already in a heightened state it would be VERY unlikely to 'stop them in their tracks'.

Ursus Horribilis

Maybe she didn't know that?

seamus

The OP self admittedly isn't one for drinking so was probably unaware that the cartoon parodies of slapping someone or throwing water on their face to sober than up doesn't work.

When it's the middle of the night and things are a bit crazy, sometimes you do ridiculous things.

Pointless dwelling on it.

eviltwin

I've used physical force on a drunk before. I'm not violent but when someone is out of control and a possible physical danger to themselves or others you don't always have the time or an option of rationality. I think dwelling on her actions rather than his is getting way off point here.

Meauldsegosha

seamus wrote: »

Pointless dwelling on it.

I disagree if the genders were reversed posters would be outraged the that OP was violent towards their partner.

seamus

Meauldsegosha wrote: »

I disagree if the genders were reversed posters would be outraged the that OP was violent towards their partner.

If you want to have a discussion on inherent gender biases in approaches to conflict situations, there are forums that would be delighted to have you.

Such a discussion is not at all helpful to the OP's situation, though.

bluetomato

My ex was like this, a totally horrible drunk. He also used to just disappear for the night or a couple of days when he was in this state sometimes.
I literally tried everything to make him change his ways and nothing worked and that's why he's my ex now. It was a sad situation because we had kids together but I was in a constant state of anxiety towards the end because finally he acknowledged he was a problem drinker, started to go to counselling and AA himself and realised most people at AA were like him rather than full blown alcoholics but it still didn't stop the drinking binges unfortunately so I just had to end it.

sashafierce wrote: »

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The guards wouldn't have done a thing, I phoned the guards one night on my ex when he threatened to burn the house down, the guards came out and my ex shouted at them that it was his house and they weren't to come in....and they just didn't! We'd been out (this was a very very rare occasion when I actually went out with him because usually I was afraid to drink with him). We had a babysitter who left when we got home and the guards said because there was children in the house they had to report it to social services who then had to come out to the house. After I phoned the guards he plastered it all over facebook that I had called the guards and he was waiting to be arrested!!!! So I had to deal with all the shame that everyone we knew knew about it and also extra anxiety from social workers investigating and the guards didn't even speak to him about the threat he was after making!! I'm not sure what you think the guards would have taken him away for the night for?

intheclouds

To try and get back on topic.....

Someone who gets drunk and wants to smash things up shouldn't drink. End of. It's irrelevant if there is a deep seated drink problem or they just drink once a year. If drinking causes the reaction of wanting to tear the place up then the person needs to take responsibility and not consume alcohol.

Imagine if every time you ate broccoli you got violent and tried to punch someone? Would you keep eating broccoli? No!

If you show him the video and he still tries to pass it off as OK I think you know that you need to detach from this.

Ursus Horribilis

intheclouds wrote: »

Imagine if every time you ate broccoli you got violent and tried to punch someone? Would you keep eating broccoli? No!.

Or if you had a peanut allergy, would you keep scoffing peanuts?

jma

Some people just aren't able to handle alcohol. And they are not able to limit themselves or control their intake. People like that shouldn't be drinking at all, in my opinion.

If it's a rare or occasional occurrence, maybe you can agree to stay apart on his nights out. If he goes out, he stays with a friend. Or you arrange to stay with friends or family.

Otherwise, I would just say, no more drinking.

LegacyUser

With respect OP, I suggest you reconsider your relationship with your partner. You really don't want to be dealing with that man in the future when you have children. These incidents will almost certainly increase over time.

Niamhy_Li

I recently went on a work night out with girls from work and they can be very messy nights, I got out of the taxi at the end of the night and could barely see straight my trousers also fell down I then went into my house and was stumbling around completely naked falling into everything for about a half an hour the whole incident was recorded by my "friend" It was genuinely a once off I have never been so drunk in my entire life and even now I'm still so embarrassed and ashamed about the whole incident. It was a huge wake up call at the same time because God knows what would of happened that night.

So these sort of incidents can happen to anyone when drink is involved but if this has happened on more then one occasion then something needs to be done, if he is not absolutely mortified about his behaviour then that's a serious problem.

jma

Niamhy_Li wrote: »

...straight my trousers also fell down I then went into my house and was stumbling around completely naked falling into everything for about a half an hour ...

So these sort of incidents can happen to anyone when drink is involved...

Oh my... Fascinating :P I have been drunk countless times, sometimes to the point where I've not been able to function at all, but can say, I never ever lose control of my actions. Worst case with me is that I get the spins, which makes me dizzy and nauseous. Being outdoors usually minimizes the effect. But if I ever lost consciousness or the ability to make conscious decisions or take conscious actions, I don't think I would ever drink again :eek:

I do know it happens to some people, though. One of my friends had to stop drinking because of it. He only drinks Beck's now.

Augme

some absolutely ridiculous over-reactions in this thread. Talk of being an alcoholic etc is crazy.

intheclouds wrote: »

To try and get back on topic.....

Someone who gets drunk and wants to smash things up shouldn't drink. End of. It's irrelevant if there is a deep seated drink problem or they just drink once a year. If drinking causes the reaction of wanting to tear the place up then the person needs to take responsibility and not consume alcohol.

Imagine if every time you ate broccoli you got violent and tried to punch someone? Would you keep eating broccoli? No!

If you show him the video and he still tries to pass it off as OK I think you know that you need to detach from this.

A quite bizarre comparison given this is what the OP said about her boyfriend.

sashafierce wrote: »

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As for tearing the place up...

sashafierce wrote: »

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He knocked over a bag of peanuts?! Wow, what a monster!

Jerome77

Unless he knocks the gargle on the head, this will only get worse. And I speak from experience, I have gone through the rutland and am still involved with 12 step program. Best of luck OP take care of yourself and stop trying to fix him. His behaviour is not acceptable.

intheclouds

sashafierce wrote: »

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Augme wrote: »

As for tearing the place up...

He knocked over a bag of peanuts?! Wow, what a monster!

I guess you missed the post from the OP above.

Did you also miss the bit where she described how his behaviour was causing her anxiety and how she considered calling the Guards?

If you've never been faced with a scary drunk it's hard to relate. But minimising the OPs issue doesn't help her.

jma

Augme wrote: »

some absolutely ridiculous over-reactions in this thread. Talk of being an alcoholic etc is crazy.

A quite bizarre comparison given this is what the OP said about her boyfriend.

As for tearing the place up...

He knocked over a bag of peanuts?! Wow, what a monster!

Perhaps you missed a post or two in the thread... The OP also said this:

I get drunk and I in want to dance on tables. He gets drunk and wants to break up the place. But he can't see the difference

As for the peanuts, I'm assuming you did catch the part about the laundry and name calling, but just decided to focus on the peanuts, in order to add a bit of missing sarcasm to the thread.

Augme

intheclouds wrote: »

I guess you missed the post from the OP above.

Did you also miss the bit where she described how his behaviour was causing her anxiety and how she considered calling the Guards?

If you've never been faced with a scary drunk it's hard to relate. But minimising the OPs issue doesn't help her.

Maybe the OP can explain why her story has changed then. Also her anxiety is possibly her own issue and something she needs to look at rather than shifting the blame to another party. Wanting to call the Gardai because your boyfriend spilled some peanuts and throw some laundry around the room is not a healthy or normal reaction imo.

jma wrote: »

Perhaps you missed a post or two in the thread... The OP also said this:


As for the peanuts, I'm assuming you did catch the part about the laundry and name calling, but just decided to focus on the peanuts, in order to add a bit of missing sarcasm to the thread.

I saw the laundry, comparing the laundry incident to punching someone in the face is ridiculous hyperbole that doesn't help anyone.

jma

Augme wrote: »

Maybe the OP can explain why her story has changed then. Also her anxiety is possibly her own issue and something she needs to look at rather than shifting the blame to another party. Wanting to call the Gardai because your boyfriend spilled some peanuts and throw some laundry around the room is not a healthy or normal reaction imo.

I don't really see how your point is relevant. If the OP did have anxiety issues, then it just makes it worse. If my girlfriend had problems with anxiety, I wouldn't knowingly terrorise or mock her with silly drunken antics. And if I wasn't in a conscious state of mind or knew that my drinking caused her anxiety or distress, I just wouldn't be drinking. Or as I said, arrange to spend the night apart if I really had to go drinking.

Augme wrote: »

I saw the laundry, comparing the laundry incident to punching someone in the face is ridiculous hyperbole that doesn't help anyone.

What are you on about? Who punched who now?

LegacyUser

I understand that his behavior terrifies you. As a student who drinks very often to excess, I have a lot of experience. I have a friend who is also a very destructive drunk e.g. breaking tables, throwing knives and lit matches about. However I don't feel very anxious in his presence when sober as I know he is only acting this way because he is drunk and stupid and can't see how he is ridiculous.

My point being, I know what it is like to be really intoxicated and do stupid things. Maybe you don't as you say you aren't a big drinker at all. As long as your boyfriend is not violent towards you and is not doing this very regurlarly, then I think the idea of AA is a little over the top. Perhaps being drunk does not suit his personality but that does not really mean he has a problem. However I do not know the frequency of these episodes so I cannot pass strict judgement on that.

intheclouds

Augme wrote: »

Maybe the OP can explain why her story has changed then. Also her anxiety is possibly her own issue and something she needs to look at rather than shifting the blame to another party. Wanting to call the Gardai because your boyfriend spilled some peanuts and throw some laundry around the room is not a healthy or normal reaction imo.





I saw the laundry, comparing the laundry incident to punching someone in the face is ridiculous hyperbole that doesn't help anyone.

Do you have any advice for the OP or do you just want to discredit her?

Augme

intheclouds wrote: »

Do you have any advice for the OP or do you just want to discredit her?

I thought my advice was quite self explanatory. I think the OP needs to look into how her anxiety effects her and her relationships.

intheclouds

Augme wrote: »

I thought my advice was quite self explanatory. I think the OP needs to look into how her anxiety effects her and her relationships.

So because her partners aggressive behaviour when drunk frightened the OP, you think that SHE needs to look at her anxiety and its effect on her relationship? Way to victim blame!

OP, please ignore this "advice". It's clearly just a dig at someone when they're down. No idea why someone would get off on victim blaming like that but rest assured that anyone who has experienced fright or upset from someone else's drinking understands exactly where you are coming from.

I hope you are feeling better.

Augme

intheclouds wrote: »

So because her partners aggressive behaviour when drunk frightened the OP, you think that SHE needs to look at her anxiety and its effect on her relationship? Way to victim blame!

OP, please ignore this "advice". It's clearly just a dig at someone when they're down. No idea why someone would get off on victim blaming like that but rest assured that anyone who has experienced fright or upset from someone else's drinking understands exactly where you are coming from.

I hope you are feeling better.

She physically assaulted her boyfriend and threw water on him, I'm not sure why she's considered the victim in all of this. I think she needs to ask why when she gets frightened does she feel the need to assault her boyfriend, repeatedly.

I think she needs to have a serious think about whether her actions to her boyfriend's behaviour are acceptable or healthy.

FortySeven

My partner came home drunk and was throwing laundry around and knocking bags of peanuts over while laughing and calling me names.

I smacked her across the face, poured water over her, called her family and then the guards.


Imagine?

jma

FortySeven wrote: »

My partner came home drunk and was throwing laundry around and knocking bags of peanuts over while laughing and calling me names.

I smacked her across the face, poured water over her, called her family and then the guards.

Imagine?

Oh jeez... That's clearly not the same thing. Whether you like to believe it or not, and whether or not some people might call it sexist, it would be a completely different thing if the roles were reversed.

And what puts you in a position to judge anyway? You didn't experience the OP's situation. Did she over-react? Maybe, maybe not. From her perspective, she was obviously distressed and didn't know what else to do. Does her boyfriend need AA or counselling? Probably not. If he acted the way he did with his friends, they may have found it funny. The OP clearly didn't. And obviously, there is a problem, and the OP was looking for advice, not judgement.

My advice is to talk to your boyfriend when you're both sober and relaxed. If he has a problem with being smacked and getting wet, he can bring that up, too. But he should be able to at least try to see things from your perspective, and then, you come up with a solution that works for both.

But the way I see it is, if he can't control his behaviour, he either gives up drinking or he stays at a friend's place when he does (or you stay at a friend's place).

Givepuzzles

Augme wrote: »

I thought my advice was quite self explanatory. I think the OP needs to look into how her anxiety effects her and her relationships.

I think she needs to look at how this relationship affects her anxiety. There seem to be two tangoing here. He's a messy drinker and she's agressive

Taltos

Mod Note
OK while we recognise this is an emotive issue we have to ask everyone to cool their heads a bit.
Degsie - I've removed your post as its a clear breach of our charter, please take care before posting again as we strictly moderate all such posts.

Meauldsegosha, Augme, jma, intheclouds, forty seven please stop this bickering, it isn't helping the OP.
By her own admission she struck her partner, which if you consider the situation is more than a risky thing to do as it could pre-empt an aggressive responsive resulting is something far more serious than currently experienced. Let's try to focus on advising the OP of what we think she could do in this clearly dysfunctional and toxic environment. Anytime anyone raises a hand against another person irrespective of the causes alarms bells have to sound.

Rubberchikken

hi op
just reading this now.
whether or not your partner has a problem, until he's willing to admit/deal with it, i don't think anything you do or say is going to change things.

you know he is an adult. it's not your responsibility to get him to sleep etc.
i'd advise that you think this whole thing through. do you really want to stay dealing with this behaviour every time he goes drinking? is it really worth it?
he's not right to be acting as he is and you're not right to respond as you have. so it maybe time to do something practical and only you can decide what that will be.
best of luck