is it cruel?

movingforward

was hoping maybe somebody has been in a similar position and can tell me if they ever moved on!!

set up a new account but am a regular poster user. im 36 and feel my last 4 years with ex was a lie.

the last 3 years have been really tough,, dad diagnosed with dementia and passed 2 years later and mam passed away 3 months ago I gave up work to care for her. I miss them both so freaking much.. have re connected and made new friends but I feel stuck..

couple of months before i ended it I had a talk to my ex , strange things kept happening, like plans changing every 5 minutes, not taking calls, more work and family trips, she had a big promotion and was interim manager while her boss was on maternity. I was so proud and gave her all the freedom and space she needed. but my request to see each other more and do more things were never met.. I asked if anything had happened on her trips because she was acting weird and defensive,, that I understand life gets hard but if there is something we need to talk about im always here. she said there wasn't anything going on and that she would tell me if anything did..

two months pass and nothing changes except more red flags.. and i couldn't take it so I asked her again if there was anybody and her defensiveness soared.. in the end i ended it and said if you cant be honest about things and you dont want to communicate with me then its best we move on. said we would meet in a couple of weeks (she went away with her girls) she gets back and contacts me a week later and wants to meet up .. I said i was busy for the next couple of days (genuine) I just joined a new band,, anyway she called me up and wanted to know were we stood. I said i ended things two weeks and and you know this. im sorry I said but unless you can talk and communicate and move in together ... she got reallly angry and shouted and hung up.. that was 3 weeks ago.. I wasnt cruel I wasn't ever abusive,, just got a bit pissy for always coming second best in her life.

thing is, we said we would stay friends and I still want that. i miss talking to her, I text her a week ago saying hey. hope you are doing ok, I know things were emotional last time we spoke but if you would like to meet for a friendly cuppa that would be nice. i got nothing,

I lost my folks and I just want peace,,, I just dont know why she would be this wayy!! is she seeing someone else?? why not free my mind by being honest.. ive been through enough (((

sorry about grammar.. im really shakey for some reason

Ursus Horribilis

I'm sorry for your troubles. You have had an absolutely rotten time of it and I hope that you can rebuild your life.

When it comes to your ex, I believe that you are going to do yourself far more harm than good by staying in touch with her. The one piece of advice that always comes up here any time a couple breaks up is to cut contact. It's very difficult for someone to move on if they're still "friends" with their ex. Realistically, the only way exes can ever be friends is when both of them have got over their break-up and neither harbours romantic feelings towards the other any more.

I get the feeling that you are probably harking back to a part of your life when things were happier. You're most likely feeling rudderless in this world now that both your parents have died and trying to find some sort of anchor. Looking for it with your ex girlfriend is what I would call looking for comfort in all the wrong places. From what you've told us about your relationship, the wheels were coming off it for quite a while and it is only right that it ended. It didn't end simply because you finally lost the rag with her. An awful lot of her behaviour points to a woman who had emotionally left the relationship. The thought crossed my mind that she may have met someone else but there's no proof of that. I also believe that you are lying to yourself when you're saying you only want to talk to her as a friend. Friend my eye!

My advice to you is to stop trying to contact your ex. She owes you nothing at this stage. Even if you ask her for the truth, there's every chance she'll either say things that'll hurt you or feed you a load of lies and leave you none the wiser. There is nothing to gained by looking for closure or seeing her again or anything like that. You need to accept that this is over and she won't be a part of your life.

Perhaps you would consider going to talk to a counsellor if you don't feel you can talk to a friend? You have been through an awful lot in the past few years.

movingforward

Thank you for your words and for your reply!

the thing is. i am genuine about wanting to be friends, I have moved on in a sense, I dont really wannt talk about her to friends, they met her and she is a really good person. I am not bitter, I just wanted the truth so I could grow fully as the person I want to be. im back playing music and dating but th ex just pops on my mind and i think if we could chat and say goodbye nicely it could be better. my first gf cheated and I never truly resolved that and this time round i dont want to carry this forward but i feel like im being punished!! we did always say no matter what we would stay in touch.. im trying to push forward but there is some kind of glue on my shoe.

Ursus Horribilis

How long are you broken up? I'm a bit confused by the timeline.

movingforward

what i was asking in a way is. has anybody been on either side of what i have been through, did they meet someone and fall in love forever!!

movingforward

broken up a month and a half now.

movingforward

sorry if I am confusing.. it was nerve racking writing it out loud.... if there is anything you need to ask i am happy to explain!!

OldMrBrennan83

This post has been deleted.

Pawwed Rig

I never kept in contact with any of my exes for their, mine and future gfs sakes. Nothing to be gained by keeping in contact but loads of negatives imho.

movingforward

thanks pat. I did text her last week and as i said I got no reply!! maybe im over contacting me at this point. but what i am asking is, does anyone have any similar story that theyyyy can share advice. look im a good guy, I live as honestly as I can and i never lie, actually im bluntly honest which most people cant handle. im needing some story that will incite any kind of inspiration!

movingforward

thanks pawwed rig. I have a couple of exes who are friends, it does and can work!! I guess in hindsight you are right...

Ursus Horribilis

If you think about it, if everyone who has ever been through a bad break-up never found someone else, the world would be full of single people! It's sad that your relationship with your ex didn't work out but there is no reason whatsoever that you won't meet another girl. One who won't dick you around like this one did. At the moment you're going through a really really tough time. You've lost both your parents, your girlfriend's gone and you're upset and lonely and devastated. Anyone who has been through what you have isn't going to be looking at the world with a smile on their face just now. Do you have anyone you can go visit today or hang out with? Just to get you out of the house?

Pawwed Rig

movingforward wrote: »

thanks pawwed rig. I have a couple of exes who are friends, it does and can work!! I guess in hindsight you are right...

Works for you maybe but does it cause niggling doubts in current gfs? Most people would pretend to be cool with it but would have issues if you scratched the surface. Anyway just my opinion.

Ignatius in bloom

Sorry for the loss of your parents that must of been horrific.

Also grief can affect us in ways we only see later on. The reason i am saying this is because it seems like you were pushing your ex for an answer that perhaps she had no reason to answer. I take it you thought she was cheating on you? I know myself when i have a lot on in work and have new things to deal with it can be hard to spend time with the people i want to but i try and explain it but perhaps she is not good at communicating and thought all your questions and accusations where an attack on her? if thats the case i can see why she got defensive as something i read in your post struck me as odd as in why would she want to get back with you if she was seeing someone else? surely a person in that position would take the out option quickly?

Also its a short amount of time to be moved on after a four year relationship and maybe she views it differently and is heartbroken and needs the time to recover. Just because you want to be friends with her doesn't mean she wants to be friends with you. You broke up with her so its really not your place to be contacting her.

movingforward

you are right it is a really **** time, but you know what my folks would want me to be living and i am doing that, i only got home at 9 this morning from being out yest, met some nice people.. but the ex just wont leave my mind.. just how can you not give someone you say you love, an honest answer that will help them move forward, who has stated he understands the pressures of life. why make someones life more difficult after losing close family,,, why would someone do that.!! why absolutely waste someones time.. why not give me some respect for the love honesty and respect i have shown her. even to this day i have her best intentions because i still see her as a good person.. i just want some resolution, peace in my mind and answers to get my ex out of my head. mam and dad desereve all of my thoughts and i feel like im disrespecting them because i cant get past thinking about her...... fudging helll this is a double pickle and a half... to the bat cave!!

movingforward

counsellor is back from a year holiday next week, maybe that will help me. I will get stronger!! I will get better!!

Ursus Horribilis

Break-ups can make nice people behave in unpleasant ways. But really, no matter what way you try to dress this in your mind, it looks like this break-up was a long time coming. People don't just go missing or become "busy" for no reason. You did ask her if there was something going on and she said no. So there is no guarantee whatsoever that she'd give you a different answer this time around. Yes, she picked a bad time to start messing you about but that's water under the bridge now.

I'm glad to see that you're going to go see a counsellor. It'd be a good start. You sound like you're stuck and need to talk to someone. And if this counsellor isn't available, look for someone else. For now don't try to change the world or reinvent the wheel. Take small steps.

Username212016

When did she get her promotion, a couple of months before you broke up?
Could it be that she was genuinely busy and stressed out with work?
I had phases in my career when I would barely see my partner as I was going to business trips one after another, and staying madly late in the office. At those times, whenever I actually have time to myself, I would be too exhausted for going out or giving much more than I already do to the relationship. I wish it wasn't like that by I need to pay my bills and I have other pressures that don't allow me to not take up a promotion.

On the other side of the story, in moments in my life when I was grieving, I was guilty of pushing people away with my pain, as I felt they were not there for me etc. Our minds and feelings can get a bit funny when we are in pain.

Just playing devil's advocate here but... Is It possible she didn't tell you about cheating simply because she didn't cheat?

movingforward

Ignatius in bloom wrote: »

Sorry for the loss of your parents that must of been horrific.

Also grief can affect us in ways we only see later on. The reason i am saying this is because it seems like you were pushing your ex for an answer that perhaps she had no reason to answer. I take it you thought she was cheating on you? I know myself when i have a lot on in work and have new things to deal with it can be hard to spend time with the people i want to but i try and explain it but perhaps she is not good at communicating and thought all your questions and accusations where an attack on her? if thats the case i can see why she got defensive as something i read in your post struck me as odd as in why would she want to get back with you if she was seeing someone else? surely a person in that position would take the out option quickly?

Also its a short amount of time to be moved on after a four year relationship and maybe she views it differently and is heartbroken and needs the time to recover. Just because you want to be friends with her doesn't mean she wants to be friends with you. You broke up with her so its really not your place to be contacting her.

well she did over state through the years her wishes to be friends should things not work out... I wasnt pushing for an answer. I was asking for more time together. last two bank hols for example i asked could we hang out she say yeah.. then on the friday she says shes doing a street clean up and then meeting her friends. on the Sunday she went home. next bank hol pretty much same thing. she sees her friends a lot thats not an issue. i gave her space and never gave any gripe. as it should be

movingforward

Username212016 wrote: »

When did she get her promotion, a couple of months before you broke up?
Could it be that she was genuinely busy and stressed out with work?
I had phases in my career when I would barely see my partner as I was going to business trips one after another, and staying madly late in the office. At those times, whenever I actually have time to myself, I would be too exhausted for going out or giving much more than I already do to the relationship. I wish it wasn't like that by I need to pay my bills and I have other pressures that don't allow me to not take up a promotion.

On the other side of the story, in moments in my life when I was grieving, I was guilty of pushing people away with my pain, as I felt they were not there for me etc. Our minds and feelings can get a bit funny when we are in pain.

Just playing devil's advocate here but... Is It possible she didn't tell you about cheating simply because she didn't cheat?

her term is ending in august.. and she had a good handle on her job. she had little to do as she works in a college and its the quiet time so to speak

movingforward

movingforward wrote: »

her term is ending in august.. and she had a good handle on her job. she had little to do as she works in a college and its the quiet time so to speak

one of the last work trips she went on she trimmed her downstairs. that would be ok if she did it occasionally throughout our time, but honestly she never ever did it in the four years prior. if she was going somewere hot id maybe see it but she went to a freezing climate

Ursus Horribilis

movingforward wrote: »

one of the last work trips she went on she trimmed her downstairs. that would be ok if she did it occasionally throughout our time, but honestly she never ever did it in the four years prior. if she was going somewere hot id maybe see it but she went to a freezing climate

I assume we're talking here about her lady garden (putting it delicately)? What an odd thing to say. Climate has nothing to do with it.

movingforward

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I assume we're talking here about her lady garden (putting it delicately)? What an odd thing to say. Climate has nothing to do with it.

i am, but I was trying to reason with myself as to why in all of our relationship a night berfore you go on business trip you groom yourself for the first time in a relationship!!

dellas1979

movingforward wrote: »

it does and can work!!

It can work, but only if 2 people are on the same page. It doesnt mean it wont happen, in time, but give her that time!

We only have your side of the story OP as to what happened. We have no idea of hers, or what happened to contribute to the breakdown. She could be hurting a lot. She could be out there not giving a flying fig. We (or you) just dont know.

You have moved on quite quickly, and good for you, but stop projecting "how you feel or what it should be" on to her.

Im sure the "lets be friends if we ever break up" comment was made when things were rosier. And consequences werent thought of.

Edit: Also, if you just give everything a bit of time and space, things will come out of the woodwork...those answers you are looking for. But you need to be calm, concentrate on yourself. I assure you, you'll get them eventually.

Ignatius in bloom

movingforward wrote: »

i am, but I was trying to reason with myself as to why in all of our relationship a night berfore you go on business trip you groom yourself for the first time in a relationship!!

You obviously dont trust her which is your true problem here.

movingforward

dellas1979 wrote: »

It can work, but only if 2 people are on the same page. It doesnt mean it wont happen, in time, but give her that time!

We only have your side of the story OP as to what happened. We have no idea of hers, or what happened to contribute to the breakdown. She could be hurting a lot. She could be out there not giving a flying fig. We (or you) just dont know.

You have moved on quite quickly, and good for you, but stop projecting "how you feel or what it should be" on to her.

Im sure the "lets be friends if we ever break up" comment was made when things were rosier. And consequences werent thought of.

I can understand that!! but if I could of got her side of the story too i wouldn't be here hoping someone has been here too and survived it..

honestly when we met for a talk two months before the break she actually said I know we can be friends if things dont work this time!!

movingforward

Ignatius in bloom wrote: »

You obviously dont trust her which is your true problem here.

I would have been ok if she had of handled it better!! she called me on the phone on her way home from work and made a weird joke about how it was uncomfortable. out of character!! I just let it go!! and added to the already growing list!! someone that has nothing to hide doesn't get defensive all of a sudden.. and she was doing it alot.

batmanrobin

OP, people always say let's be friends after a breakup, but I think very few actually mean it. Honestly, I think you're being a bit selfish here. You broke up with her because you thought she might be cheating on you. You can't expect nor demand friendship from her. Leave her be.

Accept that you'll most likely never get the "closure" you want in the way you want it.

Just try to move past it yourself.

dellas1979

movingforward wrote: »

I can understand that!! but if I could of got her side of the story too i wouldn't be here hoping someone has been here too and survived it..

honestly when we met for a talk two months before the break she actually said I know we can be friends if things dont work this time!!

People say all sorts of things. Youve held her at her word.
I am not sure why you are so gun ho on, right now, being friends with an ex, who youve no answers from, or who wont contact you.

Thats why my advice is, concentrate on yourself. And in time, I guarantee you, things will come out.

movingforward

batmanrobin wrote: »

OP, people always say let's be friends after a breakup, but I think very few actually mean it. Honestly, I think you're being a bit selfish here. You broke up with her because you thought she might be cheating on you. You can't expect nor demand friendship from her. Leave her be.

Accept that you'll most likely never get the "closure" you want in the way you want it.

Just try to move past it yourself.

I broke up because I also wasn't getting time!! I wasn't getting any communication, I was falling to second and third priority. so I ended it and we both said we would meet in a few weeks and chat things. shes vanished and i am being selfish???

Ursus Horribilis

movingforward wrote: »

I am, but I was trying to reason with myself as to why in all of our relationship a night before you go on business trip you groom yourself for the first time in a relationship!!

I'm sorry but to this all I can say is "Wake up and smell the coffee". It's as plain as the nose on your face that she was putting in that bit of special effort for someone on that trip. I am a lady and I can assure you that temperatures down there don't fluctuate that wildly depending on the extent of grooming. Women don't groom themselves in that area because the weather's warm and they want to cool down a bit.

Another straw you're clutching at is her statement that you could be friends. A lot of water has passed under the bridge since then. She has shown that she has no interest in being your friend. You've got to accept that.