is it cruel?

movingforward

was hoping maybe somebody has been in a similar position and can tell me if they ever moved on!!

set up a new account but am a regular poster user. im 36 and feel my last 4 years with ex was a lie.

the last 3 years have been really tough,, dad diagnosed with dementia and passed 2 years later and mam passed away 3 months ago I gave up work to care for her. I miss them both so freaking much.. have re connected and made new friends but I feel stuck..

couple of months before i ended it I had a talk to my ex , strange things kept happening, like plans changing every 5 minutes, not taking calls, more work and family trips, she had a big promotion and was interim manager while her boss was on maternity. I was so proud and gave her all the freedom and space she needed. but my request to see each other more and do more things were never met.. I asked if anything had happened on her trips because she was acting weird and defensive,, that I understand life gets hard but if there is something we need to talk about im always here. she said there wasn't anything going on and that she would tell me if anything did..

two months pass and nothing changes except more red flags.. and i couldn't take it so I asked her again if there was anybody and her defensiveness soared.. in the end i ended it and said if you cant be honest about things and you dont want to communicate with me then its best we move on. said we would meet in a couple of weeks (she went away with her girls) she gets back and contacts me a week later and wants to meet up .. I said i was busy for the next couple of days (genuine) I just joined a new band,, anyway she called me up and wanted to know were we stood. I said i ended things two weeks and and you know this. im sorry I said but unless you can talk and communicate and move in together ... she got reallly angry and shouted and hung up.. that was 3 weeks ago.. I wasnt cruel I wasn't ever abusive,, just got a bit pissy for always coming second best in her life.

thing is, we said we would stay friends and I still want that. i miss talking to her, I text her a week ago saying hey. hope you are doing ok, I know things were emotional last time we spoke but if you would like to meet for a friendly cuppa that would be nice. i got nothing,

I lost my folks and I just want peace,,, I just dont know why she would be this wayy!! is she seeing someone else?? why not free my mind by being honest.. ive been through enough (((

sorry about grammar.. im really shakey for some reason

Ursus Horribilis

I'm sorry for your troubles. You have had an absolutely rotten time of it and I hope that you can rebuild your life.

When it comes to your ex, I believe that you are going to do yourself far more harm than good by staying in touch with her. The one piece of advice that always comes up here any time a couple breaks up is to cut contact. It's very difficult for someone to move on if they're still "friends" with their ex. Realistically, the only way exes can ever be friends is when both of them have got over their break-up and neither harbours romantic feelings towards the other any more.

I get the feeling that you are probably harking back to a part of your life when things were happier. You're most likely feeling rudderless in this world now that both your parents have died and trying to find some sort of anchor. Looking for it with your ex girlfriend is what I would call looking for comfort in all the wrong places. From what you've told us about your relationship, the wheels were coming off it for quite a while and it is only right that it ended. It didn't end simply because you finally lost the rag with her. An awful lot of her behaviour points to a woman who had emotionally left the relationship. The thought crossed my mind that she may have met someone else but there's no proof of that. I also believe that you are lying to yourself when you're saying you only want to talk to her as a friend. Friend my eye!

My advice to you is to stop trying to contact your ex. She owes you nothing at this stage. Even if you ask her for the truth, there's every chance she'll either say things that'll hurt you or feed you a load of lies and leave you none the wiser. There is nothing to gained by looking for closure or seeing her again or anything like that. You need to accept that this is over and she won't be a part of your life.

Perhaps you would consider going to talk to a counsellor if you don't feel you can talk to a friend? You have been through an awful lot in the past few years.

movingforward

Thank you for your words and for your reply!

the thing is. i am genuine about wanting to be friends, I have moved on in a sense, I dont really wannt talk about her to friends, they met her and she is a really good person. I am not bitter, I just wanted the truth so I could grow fully as the person I want to be. im back playing music and dating but th ex just pops on my mind and i think if we could chat and say goodbye nicely it could be better. my first gf cheated and I never truly resolved that and this time round i dont want to carry this forward but i feel like im being punished!! we did always say no matter what we would stay in touch.. im trying to push forward but there is some kind of glue on my shoe.

Ursus Horribilis

How long are you broken up? I'm a bit confused by the timeline.

movingforward

what i was asking in a way is. has anybody been on either side of what i have been through, did they meet someone and fall in love forever!!

movingforward

broken up a month and a half now.

movingforward

sorry if I am confusing.. it was nerve racking writing it out loud.... if there is anything you need to ask i am happy to explain!!

OldMrBrennan83

This post has been deleted.

Pawwed Rig

I never kept in contact with any of my exes for their, mine and future gfs sakes. Nothing to be gained by keeping in contact but loads of negatives imho.

movingforward

thanks pat. I did text her last week and as i said I got no reply!! maybe im over contacting me at this point. but what i am asking is, does anyone have any similar story that theyyyy can share advice. look im a good guy, I live as honestly as I can and i never lie, actually im bluntly honest which most people cant handle. im needing some story that will incite any kind of inspiration!

movingforward

thanks pawwed rig. I have a couple of exes who are friends, it does and can work!! I guess in hindsight you are right...

Ursus Horribilis

If you think about it, if everyone who has ever been through a bad break-up never found someone else, the world would be full of single people! It's sad that your relationship with your ex didn't work out but there is no reason whatsoever that you won't meet another girl. One who won't dick you around like this one did. At the moment you're going through a really really tough time. You've lost both your parents, your girlfriend's gone and you're upset and lonely and devastated. Anyone who has been through what you have isn't going to be looking at the world with a smile on their face just now. Do you have anyone you can go visit today or hang out with? Just to get you out of the house?

Pawwed Rig

movingforward wrote: »

thanks pawwed rig. I have a couple of exes who are friends, it does and can work!! I guess in hindsight you are right...

Works for you maybe but does it cause niggling doubts in current gfs? Most people would pretend to be cool with it but would have issues if you scratched the surface. Anyway just my opinion.

Ignatius in bloom

Sorry for the loss of your parents that must of been horrific.

Also grief can affect us in ways we only see later on. The reason i am saying this is because it seems like you were pushing your ex for an answer that perhaps she had no reason to answer. I take it you thought she was cheating on you? I know myself when i have a lot on in work and have new things to deal with it can be hard to spend time with the people i want to but i try and explain it but perhaps she is not good at communicating and thought all your questions and accusations where an attack on her? if thats the case i can see why she got defensive as something i read in your post struck me as odd as in why would she want to get back with you if she was seeing someone else? surely a person in that position would take the out option quickly?

Also its a short amount of time to be moved on after a four year relationship and maybe she views it differently and is heartbroken and needs the time to recover. Just because you want to be friends with her doesn't mean she wants to be friends with you. You broke up with her so its really not your place to be contacting her.

movingforward

you are right it is a really **** time, but you know what my folks would want me to be living and i am doing that, i only got home at 9 this morning from being out yest, met some nice people.. but the ex just wont leave my mind.. just how can you not give someone you say you love, an honest answer that will help them move forward, who has stated he understands the pressures of life. why make someones life more difficult after losing close family,,, why would someone do that.!! why absolutely waste someones time.. why not give me some respect for the love honesty and respect i have shown her. even to this day i have her best intentions because i still see her as a good person.. i just want some resolution, peace in my mind and answers to get my ex out of my head. mam and dad desereve all of my thoughts and i feel like im disrespecting them because i cant get past thinking about her...... fudging helll this is a double pickle and a half... to the bat cave!!

movingforward

counsellor is back from a year holiday next week, maybe that will help me. I will get stronger!! I will get better!!

Ursus Horribilis

Break-ups can make nice people behave in unpleasant ways. But really, no matter what way you try to dress this in your mind, it looks like this break-up was a long time coming. People don't just go missing or become "busy" for no reason. You did ask her if there was something going on and she said no. So there is no guarantee whatsoever that she'd give you a different answer this time around. Yes, she picked a bad time to start messing you about but that's water under the bridge now.

I'm glad to see that you're going to go see a counsellor. It'd be a good start. You sound like you're stuck and need to talk to someone. And if this counsellor isn't available, look for someone else. For now don't try to change the world or reinvent the wheel. Take small steps.

Username212016

When did she get her promotion, a couple of months before you broke up?
Could it be that she was genuinely busy and stressed out with work?
I had phases in my career when I would barely see my partner as I was going to business trips one after another, and staying madly late in the office. At those times, whenever I actually have time to myself, I would be too exhausted for going out or giving much more than I already do to the relationship. I wish it wasn't like that by I need to pay my bills and I have other pressures that don't allow me to not take up a promotion.

On the other side of the story, in moments in my life when I was grieving, I was guilty of pushing people away with my pain, as I felt they were not there for me etc. Our minds and feelings can get a bit funny when we are in pain.

Just playing devil's advocate here but... Is It possible she didn't tell you about cheating simply because she didn't cheat?

movingforward

Ignatius in bloom wrote: »

Sorry for the loss of your parents that must of been horrific.

Also grief can affect us in ways we only see later on. The reason i am saying this is because it seems like you were pushing your ex for an answer that perhaps she had no reason to answer. I take it you thought she was cheating on you? I know myself when i have a lot on in work and have new things to deal with it can be hard to spend time with the people i want to but i try and explain it but perhaps she is not good at communicating and thought all your questions and accusations where an attack on her? if thats the case i can see why she got defensive as something i read in your post struck me as odd as in why would she want to get back with you if she was seeing someone else? surely a person in that position would take the out option quickly?

Also its a short amount of time to be moved on after a four year relationship and maybe she views it differently and is heartbroken and needs the time to recover. Just because you want to be friends with her doesn't mean she wants to be friends with you. You broke up with her so its really not your place to be contacting her.

well she did over state through the years her wishes to be friends should things not work out... I wasnt pushing for an answer. I was asking for more time together. last two bank hols for example i asked could we hang out she say yeah.. then on the friday she says shes doing a street clean up and then meeting her friends. on the Sunday she went home. next bank hol pretty much same thing. she sees her friends a lot thats not an issue. i gave her space and never gave any gripe. as it should be

movingforward

Username212016 wrote: »

When did she get her promotion, a couple of months before you broke up?
Could it be that she was genuinely busy and stressed out with work?
I had phases in my career when I would barely see my partner as I was going to business trips one after another, and staying madly late in the office. At those times, whenever I actually have time to myself, I would be too exhausted for going out or giving much more than I already do to the relationship. I wish it wasn't like that by I need to pay my bills and I have other pressures that don't allow me to not take up a promotion.

On the other side of the story, in moments in my life when I was grieving, I was guilty of pushing people away with my pain, as I felt they were not there for me etc. Our minds and feelings can get a bit funny when we are in pain.

Just playing devil's advocate here but... Is It possible she didn't tell you about cheating simply because she didn't cheat?

her term is ending in august.. and she had a good handle on her job. she had little to do as she works in a college and its the quiet time so to speak

movingforward

movingforward wrote: »

her term is ending in august.. and she had a good handle on her job. she had little to do as she works in a college and its the quiet time so to speak

one of the last work trips she went on she trimmed her downstairs. that would be ok if she did it occasionally throughout our time, but honestly she never ever did it in the four years prior. if she was going somewere hot id maybe see it but she went to a freezing climate

Ursus Horribilis

movingforward wrote: »

one of the last work trips she went on she trimmed her downstairs. that would be ok if she did it occasionally throughout our time, but honestly she never ever did it in the four years prior. if she was going somewere hot id maybe see it but she went to a freezing climate

I assume we're talking here about her lady garden (putting it delicately)? What an odd thing to say. Climate has nothing to do with it.

movingforward

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I assume we're talking here about her lady garden (putting it delicately)? What an odd thing to say. Climate has nothing to do with it.

i am, but I was trying to reason with myself as to why in all of our relationship a night berfore you go on business trip you groom yourself for the first time in a relationship!!

dellas1979

movingforward wrote: »

it does and can work!!

It can work, but only if 2 people are on the same page. It doesnt mean it wont happen, in time, but give her that time!

We only have your side of the story OP as to what happened. We have no idea of hers, or what happened to contribute to the breakdown. She could be hurting a lot. She could be out there not giving a flying fig. We (or you) just dont know.

You have moved on quite quickly, and good for you, but stop projecting "how you feel or what it should be" on to her.

Im sure the "lets be friends if we ever break up" comment was made when things were rosier. And consequences werent thought of.

Edit: Also, if you just give everything a bit of time and space, things will come out of the woodwork...those answers you are looking for. But you need to be calm, concentrate on yourself. I assure you, you'll get them eventually.

Ignatius in bloom

movingforward wrote: »

i am, but I was trying to reason with myself as to why in all of our relationship a night berfore you go on business trip you groom yourself for the first time in a relationship!!

You obviously dont trust her which is your true problem here.

movingforward

dellas1979 wrote: »

It can work, but only if 2 people are on the same page. It doesnt mean it wont happen, in time, but give her that time!

We only have your side of the story OP as to what happened. We have no idea of hers, or what happened to contribute to the breakdown. She could be hurting a lot. She could be out there not giving a flying fig. We (or you) just dont know.

You have moved on quite quickly, and good for you, but stop projecting "how you feel or what it should be" on to her.

Im sure the "lets be friends if we ever break up" comment was made when things were rosier. And consequences werent thought of.

I can understand that!! but if I could of got her side of the story too i wouldn't be here hoping someone has been here too and survived it..

honestly when we met for a talk two months before the break she actually said I know we can be friends if things dont work this time!!

movingforward

Ignatius in bloom wrote: »

You obviously dont trust her which is your true problem here.

I would have been ok if she had of handled it better!! she called me on the phone on her way home from work and made a weird joke about how it was uncomfortable. out of character!! I just let it go!! and added to the already growing list!! someone that has nothing to hide doesn't get defensive all of a sudden.. and she was doing it alot.

batmanrobin

OP, people always say let's be friends after a breakup, but I think very few actually mean it. Honestly, I think you're being a bit selfish here. You broke up with her because you thought she might be cheating on you. You can't expect nor demand friendship from her. Leave her be.

Accept that you'll most likely never get the "closure" you want in the way you want it.

Just try to move past it yourself.

dellas1979

movingforward wrote: »

I can understand that!! but if I could of got her side of the story too i wouldn't be here hoping someone has been here too and survived it..

honestly when we met for a talk two months before the break she actually said I know we can be friends if things dont work this time!!

People say all sorts of things. Youve held her at her word.
I am not sure why you are so gun ho on, right now, being friends with an ex, who youve no answers from, or who wont contact you.

Thats why my advice is, concentrate on yourself. And in time, I guarantee you, things will come out.

movingforward

batmanrobin wrote: »

OP, people always say let's be friends after a breakup, but I think very few actually mean it. Honestly, I think you're being a bit selfish here. You broke up with her because you thought she might be cheating on you. You can't expect nor demand friendship from her. Leave her be.

Accept that you'll most likely never get the "closure" you want in the way you want it.

Just try to move past it yourself.

I broke up because I also wasn't getting time!! I wasn't getting any communication, I was falling to second and third priority. so I ended it and we both said we would meet in a few weeks and chat things. shes vanished and i am being selfish???

Ursus Horribilis

movingforward wrote: »

I am, but I was trying to reason with myself as to why in all of our relationship a night before you go on business trip you groom yourself for the first time in a relationship!!

I'm sorry but to this all I can say is "Wake up and smell the coffee". It's as plain as the nose on your face that she was putting in that bit of special effort for someone on that trip. I am a lady and I can assure you that temperatures down there don't fluctuate that wildly depending on the extent of grooming. Women don't groom themselves in that area because the weather's warm and they want to cool down a bit.

Another straw you're clutching at is her statement that you could be friends. A lot of water has passed under the bridge since then. She has shown that she has no interest in being your friend. You've got to accept that.

LegacyUser

OP, what you're asking for is respect from someone who may have shown you no respect by having flings on business trips while you were dealing with terrible grief (and my sympathy on the loss of both your parents OP). If you think about it rationally, it's something you'll never get. You want to know if the woman you were with was a fake for the 4 years or was always that really lovely partner you first met and did she just make a mistake in the end? I think you've got your answer...your girlfriend may not have been the person you thought she was so don't expect contact and answers on whether she had an affair or not.

You have shown great self respect and courage in walking away from a toxic situation. You may be confusing the feelings from the grief of losing your parents with the loss of your girlfriend. You probably crave a conversation with your parents but know that's not possible but you know the silence from your ex girlfriend can be addressed and it's becoming an obsession. Let her go. If she confessed to having an affair then you'll want to know Why, then you'll obsess about who with?...and the danger there is cheaters tend to deflect the blame back on their partner, it was your fault for some reason, that's the last avenue you want to go down.....get out there and enjoy your life and leave her get on with trimming her garden for someone else ...

movingforward

dellas1979 wrote: »

People say all sorts of things. Youve held her at her word.
I am not sure why you are so gun ho on, right now, being friends with an ex, who youve no answers from, or who wont contact you.

Thats why my advice is, concentrate on yourself. And in time, I guarantee you, things will come out.

it's not that I'm gun ho on right now, I just don't get not replying even if its to say I dont want to meet again and good luck,, but thanks for your input and words and for your time,, everybody thank you for you time, time is precious

Username212016

You mentioned she got a big promotion with late hours and lots of business trips, but you also say she doesn't work much cos she works in a college? I don't know what her job is exactly but some of my friends who work in colleges are some of the most busy and exhausted with work.

And even if she is good at her job, a promotion to manager would most certainly come with more responsibility and new challenges? And business trips cab be exhausting.

As for trimmings etc, suffice to say I'd be VERY surprised if she never did it at all in 4 years!!

The red flags you mentioned so far don't seem like a sure indicative of having an affair, and if she wasn't having one, I can imagine she must have been pretty upset by being accused of it out of the blue.

I'm also surprised by the timeline - was this issue happening only in the last past months? I'm being devil's advocate again, and Im very sorry about your mom, but if she did get an increased workload after the promotion, followed by an ultimatum to give more time, followed by the suggestion that she was doing the dirty and a sudden break up, she might be quite shocked and in pain.

Ursus Horribilis

movingforward wrote: »

it's not that I'm gung ho on right now, I just don't get not replying even if its to say I don't want to meet again and good luck,, but thanks for your input and words and for your time,, everybody thank you for you time, time is precious

If (1) she's with someone else now or has cheated on you and (2) the break-up was unpleasant, you are the last person she's going to want to talk to.

movingforward

Ursus Horribilis wrote: »

I'm sorry but to this all I can say is "Wake up and smell the coffee". It's as plain as the nose on your face that she was putting in that bit of special effort for someone on that trip. I am a lady and I can assure you that temperatures down there don't fluctuate that wildly depending on the extent of grooming. Women don't groom themselves in that area because the weather's warm and they want to cool down a bit.

Another straw you're clutching at is her statement that you could be friends. A lot of water has passed under the bridge since then. She has shown that she has no interest in being your friend. You've got to accept that.

i get this.. but what im asking is why not give me the respect in admitting to me when i asked. why be a coward!!! why not admit it to me so i can say yep i wasnt actually going mental

batmanrobin

movingforward wrote: »

I broke up because I also wasn't getting time!! I wasn't getting any communication, I was falling to second and third priority. so I ended it and we both said we would meet in a few weeks and chat things. shes vanished and i am being selfish???

Okay, so why exactly do you want to be friends with someone who was treating you like that?

You don't seem to understand: it doesn't matter what she has said, she's showing you she's not interested. She doesn't want to talk, she doesn't want to be friends, she doesn't want anything.

Accept that. Focus on yourself and move forward with your life. Given all that has gone on in your life over the last few years, it might be no bad thing to take some time to yourself.

Ursus Horribilis

Life isn't as black and white as that I'm afraid. Not everyone acts or thinks like you.

dellas1979

movingforward wrote: »

I just don't get not replying even if its to say I dont want to meet again and good luck

That is her choice!

Get all your facts first. Then decide if a friendship can develop. IF she had been playing away, I severly doubt youll want that in this case.

Give it time.

You are putting the cart before the horse here. And getting all muddled up.

Edit: Am also just wondering, are you using this whole friends thing (maybe you dont realise this, but think about it) as a pretense to get answers. As said, youre kindof going about it backwards/mixed up.

movingforward

dellas1979 wrote: »

That is her choice!

Get all your facts first. Then decide if a friendship can develop. IF she had been playing away, I severly doubt youll want that in this case.

Give it time.

You are putting the cart before the horse here. And getting all muddled up.

Edit: Am also just wondering, are you using this whole friends thing (maybe you dont realise this, but think about it) as a pretense to get answers. As said, youre kindof going about it backwards/mixed up.

Maybe answers are part of it. but maybe ill never get them maybe they dont exist.. ill keep moving regardless. thanks guys.

Ursus Horribilis

We can't say for sure whether she did cheat or not but that grooming thing is definitely suspicious. One thing you should know is that cheaters usually minimise what they've been up to. They'll only admit to what they think they can get away with or what is provable. So even if you meet her and ask her the question, you'll most likely come away with a new set of troubles. I've seen so many threads here from people seeking closure. It's not something that everyone gets so it's up to you to draw your own line under this. Her silence speaks volumes.

batmanrobin

movingforward wrote: »

Maybe answers are part of it. but maybe ill never get them maybe they dont exist.. ill keep moving regardless. thanks guys.

It's human nature to want answers. We think if we get answers then we can properly move forward. Oftentimes though answers just lead to more questions or can result in us beating ourselves up over things.

Be kind to yourself, OP. Take a break from women and focus on yourself and deal with all that has gone on in your life.
Focussing on yourself will help you move forward in a way that answers from her never will. Trust me, I speak from experience.

movingforward

thanks everyone for the input. maybe I was wrong to come here!! maybe i should have just kept going. i had a moment i suppose.. i will say this. I never accused her out right, I asked if anything has changed or if she need to talk about anything,, she got really defensive!! I ended the relationship based on wanting more out of it, someone spend my life with. but after mam passed lots of things started flooding back,, i also never gave an ultimatum. I would never do that!! i sat down and asked if we could start going on more dates again, more hiking and living. I asked if we could work on communication, she said yes to all but then nothing, so In a way i feel I had no option but to end it!! like it was the only choice i had!!! and I did, nicely and respectfully, no accusations then she was going away for a couple of weeks with girls. then she cam back and nothing... think this is what I should have said first!!

movingforward

batmanrobin wrote: »

It's human nature to want answers. We think if we get answers then we can properly move forward. Oftentimes though answers just lead to more questions or can result in us beating ourselves up over things.

Be kind to yourself, OP. Take a break from women and focus on yourself and deal with all that has gone on in your life.
Focussing on yourself will help you move forward in a way that answers from her never will. Trust me, I speak from experience.

Thank you. I will surely!! im heading to family in cork next weekend so something good. and gigs lined up... i just wanted her out my head so i can move,,,, crazy but we live on.

Colser

movingforward wrote:

i get this.. but what im asking is why not give me the respect in admitting to me when i asked. why be a coward!!! why not admit it to me so i can say yep i wasnt actually going mental

You're wrecking your head OP.I bet that if she met up and told you she never cheated you wouldn't believe it and would end up feeling worse than you do now.
She may not have been but if she was I doubt that she will admit it.

You really sound frantic and I can totally empathise.Unfortunately it takes a long time to get over being cheated on and you're in the early stages trying to get your head around it.

The only thing that would sort you out at the moment is definitive proof that she did or didn't but that's unlikely to happen ...you're probably right but it's horrible not being 100% and it eats at you.
Hard to help you or give advice as it's a process that needs to be endured before you start to feel better but it stays with you for a long time.

Hang in there and try to confide in even one person that you trust..it does help to talk and stops you feeling that you're going mad.

Whenever you think about her in a good/loving way try and remember the nasty way she treated you and remember why you broke it off with her,sometimes that helps to keep you grounded. Good luck...

movingforward

thank you. guys. ill take it out on the drum kit for the next couple of hours. and thanks everyone. funny thing is i do still wish her all the happiness. and myself also!!

Big Bag of Chips

You need to think about if you are really ready to be friends with her. Just say she did cheat on you, with a work colleague. How would you feel meeting up with her for a catch up and she brings him along? Or kisses him goodbye at the door before going in to see you? Even if she didn't cheat, but is dating someone else now, how would you feel meeting up with them both?

She didn't treat you too well. You got fed up and ended it (rightly). She then felt a bit hard done by for being dumped. Your break up sound fairly typical of a lot of break ups to be honest! There's always that period of confusion for a few weeks afterwards of are we/aren't we. Will we/won't we get back together. Don't try to be friends with her now. She wasn't very considerate of you and your time when she was your girlfriend, she's not going to put herself out for you now that she's not.

Move on, without being in contact with her, and you will find someone else.

movingforward

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

You need to think about if you are really ready to be friends with her. Just say she did cheat on you, with a work colleague. How would you feel meeting up with her for a catch up and she brings him along? Or kisses him goodbye at the door before going in to see you? Even if she didn't cheat, but is dating someone else now, how would you feel meeting up with them both?

She didn't treat you too well. You got fed up and ended it (rightly). She then felt a bit hard done by for being dumped. Your break up sound fairly typical of a lot of break ups to be honest! There's always that period of confusion for a few weeks afterwards of are we/aren't we. Will we/won't we get back together. Don't try to be friends with her now. She wasn't very considerate of you and your time when she was your girlfriend, she's not going to put herself out for you now that she's not.

Move on, without being in contact with her, and you will find someone else.

honestly?? releived to know I wasnt going crazy! id be annoyed for sure but in time i guess i would be happy for her in time, I know I will move on, w have to .. maybe being friends was just to gain answers but I thank you for your words and time. I will take everyones advice and move on. do i lose this thread now or the mods??

LegacyUser

Hi OP, I'm going through a similar breakup at the moment and thought I'd share from my (female) perspective as the one who got broken up with. My ex bf and I were together 3 years and he ended things 2 weeks ago, like you and your ex time was an issue, he was spending an increased amount of time at work / other commitments to the detriment of our relationship. Like you I was asking for more time and better communication, we too agreed to work on it and everything seemed to be OK for a few weeks until he ended things.

He like you sent a text afterwards to ask to talk things through and wanted to be friends, and honestly though I would eventually like this, this text made me so angry- it was his decision to end the relationship, he had had time in making this decision to adjust to the mindset of us just being friends, I hadn't. He had time to detach himself from the relationship whereas I was and still am trying to come to terms with the fact that he's not the person I am going to spend the rest of my life with, and I feel like until I do, I cannot interact with him as a friend.

I do not presume to know how your ex is feeling, but I can see things from a similar perspective and I just wanted to share my experience with you. Just give her time, someone once told me breakups have similar stages to grief - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, and I think it's true, you are grieving the future you thought you would have, it just takes different people different times to reach the acceptance stage and to move on. Give her time and Take care of yourself

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I might be way off the mark here but I wonder if pouring all this mental energy into this might be a way of avoiding processing your grief over your parents, at least to some extent? That's a very short space of time to lose both parents, at any age. You can't control that, you can't change death, and you seem to be pretty fixated on the idea that you can change and control this situation with your ex.

I'm also thinking if the situation with your parents being ill influenced her behaviour. Some people are just terrible with other people's illness and grief, I'm not saying it's right, but it might explain her withdrawing.

I'm glad to see you're going to a counsellor, losing both parents and ending a long term relationship in such a short time is very rough. It's good that you're keeping going forward and being social, but it's OK to not be OK right now. I'd be on the fcuking floor if I were you tbh. No wonder you were shaking writing the OP. Think about talking to your friends about it too, don't worry about not bad mouthing her

movingforward

Skyla Rhythmic Sandstone wrote: »

I might be way off the mark here but I wonder if pouring all this mental energy into this might be a way of avoiding processing your grief over your parents, at least to some extent? That's a very short space of time to lose both parents, at any age. You can't control that, you can't change death, and you seem to be pretty fixated on the idea that you can change and control this situation with your ex.

I'm also thinking if the situation with your parents being ill influenced her behaviour. Some people are just terrible with other people's illness and grief, I'm not saying it's right, but it might explain her withdrawing.

I'm glad to see you're going to a counsellor, losing both parents and ending a long term relationship in such a short time is very rough. It's good that you're keeping going forward and being social, but it's OK to not be OK right now. I'd be on the fcuking floor if I were you tbh. No wonder you were shaking writing the OP. Think about talking to your friends about it too, don't worry about not bad mouthing her

my parents were pretty ill and in the end became different, they were hurting so now that they are not anymore i find solace that I will see them again one day. we all have to. and maybe i have spent too much time thinking about the ex. maybe i needed today to see it. thank you all for your input.... onwards and upwards.