Grown up daughter living at home..paying her way?

Zipppy

Daughter just finished college this year.. now has just decent job with decent salary..
Lives between my house (me and partner) and my exs house (her and new hubbie)
So question...I'm assuming she should start paying her way? To both households..after 22 years of being looked after.
How do you decide how much? Should she get some 'time' earning before thsi starts...

jester77

Make sure and come to an agreement with your ex so that you are both on the same page regarding paying her way before you ask your daughter anything.

I would start asking straight away, she's an adult now. If she was to move out she would not get a free ride either.

As for costs, split all the bills 3 ways for the time she is there plus whatever your decide to charge for board.

Addle

I'd give her a break for a little while OP.
Let her find her feet first.

ted1

Do you expect her to pay market rate or a nominal amount say 10%?
If your ex partner doesn't charge her are you happy for her to live Full time with her?

silverharp

there is no rule , if she was saving with the idea of saving a deposit , I'd let her do that. if she just intends to spends her salary then agree something, if she left home she would probably have to spend more than half her salary on rent and the basics, so split it and come up with some number that is around a quarter of her take home pay.

Sapphire

Maybe give her a few paychecks grace first. She'll need to maybe build up a decent stock of work appropriate clothes and shoes after her student rags.

Apart from that, she might want to save up for something specific, like driving lessons or a car and unless you need the income from her rent, letting her pay towards those bigger expenses is an investment, not a waste.

A nominal amount towards bills and food should be a minimum. I know some parents who took rent off their kids but then surprised them with the money in lump sum back when they were saving up for their own house deposit or were planning a wedding.

Maybe ask her what plans she has now she's earning and gauge whether or not she should hand up something and if so, how much.

This new thing of charging children to live at home is pure madness. Why would you do that to your daughter. Ask her to get the shopping in now and again and take on a bill like internet or tv etc but don't charge her rent and let her build up her savings and get her a good head start on route to a mortgage while still enjoying her 20's as she will be able to save and enjoy life if she isn't paying rent.

My parents would laugh if someone suggested one of us pay rent while living at home they wouldn't even entertain the idea same for friends of mine many who lived at home until they were 30 while in good jobs. The idea of paying rent to live at home is bizarre.

LegacyUser

Avery Dirty Mine wrote: »

This new thing of charging children to live at home is pure madness. Why would you do that to your daughter. Ask her to get the shopping in now and again and take on a bill like internet or tv etc but don't charge her rent and let her build up her savings and get her a good head start on route to a mortgage while still enjoying her 20's as she will be able to save and enjoy life if she isn't paying rent.

My parents would laugh if someone suggested one of us pay rent while living at home they wouldn't even entertain the idea same for friends of mine many who lived at home until they were 30 while in good jobs. The idea of paying rent to live at home is bizarre.

It's not a new thing. I handed up money in the 90's when i left school and got my first job.

You are still using a share of the electricity, the heating, tv, broadband, food, etc. Should she get a free ride for 30 years?

Your parents supported you as a child. You should support yourself as an adult.

Pay your bills, learn to budget and don't assume mammy and daddy will always be there to help you out for free.

Gunslinger92

Avery Dirty Mine wrote: »

This new thing of charging children to live at home is pure madness. Why would you do that to your daughter. Ask her to get the shopping in now and again and take on a bill like internet or tv etc but don't charge her rent and let her build up her savings and get her a good head start on route to a mortgage while still enjoying her 20's as she will be able to save and enjoy life if she isn't paying rent.

My parents would laugh if someone suggested one of us pay rent while living at home they wouldn't even entertain the idea same for friends of mine many who lived at home until they were 30 while in good jobs. The idea of paying rent to live at home is bizarre.

Gonna have to disagree. My parents busted their holes putting me through college. If I was to stay living at home whilst working a professional job, without paying my way, I'd be mortified. They deserve better.

Grown adults with good jobs staying at home with mommy and daddy until their 30's is what's mad.

chuckles30

I find it laughable that people think adult children should live at home on a freebie - that gives a skewed version of the world.

I didn't have the option of living at home, due to location, so I have lived away from home since I started in uni. Like the previous poster, my parents worked hard to put me through college. So even when I did my work experience at college, I paid my own rent, bills etc etc and have done the same ever since. Also, I wonder, do these adult children do their share of the housework, cooking, cleaning etc?

TBH I can't understand why any adult children want to live at home (apart from the obvious cost saving). There is a whole world of independent living out there that needs to be experienced.

Gunslinger92

Gunslinger92 wrote: »

Gonna have to disagree. My parents busted their holes putting me through college. If I was to stay living at home whilst working a professional job, without paying my way, I'd be mortified. They deserve better.

Its your home most parents are glad to have their grown children still around rather than moved away or worse moved abroad. I'd be mortified if my parents asked for money for rent, I know they wouldn't as they think the idea is as bizarre as I do. "Imagine charging one of your children to live a home in their own room" would be their reaction.

Gunslinger92 wrote: »

Grown adults with good jobs staying at home with mommy and daddy until their 30's is what's mad.

Why move out and waste money on rent just for the sake of it, the ones who lived at home the longest are the ones who were first to buy/build their own houses particularly the ones who only moved out when they moved into their own places. Doing it differently would be the madness when they could. I'd be doing the same only for my job is too far from home to commute.

Addle

I wouldn't charge rent, but I'd expect other contributions like some groceries every now and then, cleaning, food prep. She shouldn't just be lying around doing sfa in the evenings.

LegacyUser

I'd definitely be asking for rent. It doesn't have to be the going rate for a houseshare in the area, but it's hugely important for her to start paying her own way as soon as she has a job.

If nothing else it's good practice for when she does move out. Most of us have at some stage had that housemate who seems to think bills and rent are optional because they never had to make a contribution before!

LegacyUser

Gunslinger92 wrote: »

Gonna have to disagree. My parents busted their holes putting me through college. If I was to stay living at home whilst working a professional job, without paying my way, I'd be mortified. They deserve better.

Grown adults with good jobs staying at home with mommy and daddy until their 30's is what's mad.

I would agree with the other poster. I find it very strange the way you hear about people being asked to pay rent while living at home its something I never head off before starting to read boards.ie.

I would have moved out in my mid 20's as I need to move city for work but otherwise I could see myself still be living at home in my 30's and my parents would be very happy about that and wouldn't dream of charging rent in fact I know with them it would be a struggle to even buy groceries. Even though myself and my siblings all have good jobs my parents still give us money any chance they get and its a struggle to give them money for things we might owe them for. Often money we would try to give would end up back in our bank account by transfer or thrown into the car as we were heading off etc.

So with this in mind the idea of paying to live at home is a very strange one to me. It just wouldn't be accepted.

Even in summer jobs during college etc my parents would never allow me spend my own money on college related stuff, I lived at home and drove in and out so no rent but things like fees, books etc they insisted on paying and would always say "the money you earn part time and during the summer is yours to enjoy".

IvoryTower

At 22, she probably doesn't want to start saving for a deposit, more like travelling,holidays etc

eviltwin

I would charge rent, a nominal amount but I'd still expect it. I'd also expect her to do her own chores. I don't do any of the donkey work for my adult child. Adults can mind themselves. What I would do is something I saw on a thread here which is hang onto the money - if you can afford to - and give it to her when she moves out. She's then got a nice little surprise to set herself up but has still learnt a valuable lesson about budgeting.

I Am_Not_Ice

She should definitely be paying something. It will do her no good in the long run to allow her to believe she can live somewhere without paying rent, even if it's only a small amount.

Hollister11

I'm be finished college in 2 years. My rent will be 0. My parents don't me paying to live at home. Although I wikk cover some bills, they don't expect anything.

Pac1Man

These differing opinions purely depend on how wealthy your parents are.

Emme

Zipppy wrote: »

Daughter just finished college this year.. now has just decent job with decent salary..
Lives between my house (me and partner) and my exs house (her and new hubbie)
So question...I'm assuming she should start paying her way? To both households..after 22 years of being looked after.
How do you decide how much? Should she get some 'time' earning before thsi starts...

You and your ex are going to have to get together on this and agree the conditions - rent, proportion of living costs etc. and stick to that. Don't let it get into a game of one ex partner letting her away with something to get at the other. It's understandable if you and your ex are living with a new partner/spouse he or she is not going to want to have their ex's daughter living in the house free gratis.

However it isn't fair for both households to split the bills 3 ways if your daughter spends her time between the houses of her mother and father and their respective new partners. It might be fair to split the household bill 6 ways and let your daughter pay one sixth of the bills in each house and whatever rent you and your ex-partner agree on which should be the same for both households. Your daughter would be well advised to keep a spreadsheet of what she spends on rent/bills in each household to avoid confusion. If she paid €100 a month rent in both households (€200 in total) with bills it would give her a chance to save for a deposit. The sooner she starts saving the better, explain to her the power of compound interest.

The ideal situation would be your daughter moving out into an apartment of her own but with accommodation shortage and the cost of rent that isn't feasible. In time she may find that the cost of paying up living costs to both households (you and your ex) is just too much and a houseshare might eventually be cheaper for her. So paying her way in your and your ex's households will be a good way for your daughter to learn that nothing is free but at 22 I'm sure she is well aware of that anyway.

You say you looked after her for 22 years but she didn't ask to be born or to be looked after. If you have a child you have a responsibility to "look after" that child until they are finished education and do so without complaint. She has had to adjust to her parents' divorce and to both of her parents' new partners. As long as she understands she is paying her own way only in each household both of you asking her for money shouldn't be a problem.

I would give grace of one or two months and let her get a work wardrobe together and get organised for her new job. She is your daughter, not a tenant or lodger.

ChampagnePop

Has she just finished college this summer? If so maybe give her the summer off - finals can be extremely stressful. In September I'd think would make sense naturally to ask her to contribute to the household.

LegacyUser

I'm unemployed at the moment and pay almost half my dole to the house, worked throughout college to cover my costs outside the house (travel, food etc) and contributed towards the yearly fees (about two thousand over the years).Pay for my own flights and contribute towards food etc for family holidays.

I'm pretty good at handling my own finances as a consequence. Some of my friends think it is mad, but on the other hand, I get dinner made for me most days and a bed, so I can't complain too much in my mind. I think they are just pampered and in for a shock when they move out.

mailforkev

Pac1Man wrote: »

These differing opinions purely depend on how wealthy your parents are.

I very much disagree. It's to do with the values that the parents raise the kids to have.

I never wanted for anything and am lucky that even today my parents would be there for me in a flash if I somehow got into major financial trouble.

But as soon as I started working, it was expected that I contribute to the household. Sure, as a teenager, at first it was a bit annoying but fairly quickly I copped on to myself and sucked it up. It also made me feel like more of an adult.

A parent's primary role is to create a well rounded, independent, fully functioning adult. I'd be mortified bringing my washing home to my mother.

naughtysmurf

If I was working & living at home with my parents & was contributing zero towards food, light, heat, broadband,tv, mortgage, insurance, groceries etc, I would be embarrassed & ashamed, it may be a generation gap thing

Hollister11

naughtysmurf wrote: »

If I was working & living at home with my parents & was contributing zero towards food, light, heat, broadband,tv, mortgage, insurance, groceries etc, I would be embarrassed & ashamed, it may be a generation gap thing

If your living at home, you wouldn't have a mortgage.

cocoman

Hollister11 wrote: »

If your living at home, you wouldn't have a mortgage.

Parents might.

ceegee

Hollister11 wrote: »

If your living at home, you wouldn't have a mortgage.

Your parent's mortgage.

naughtysmurf

Hollister11 wrote: »

If your living at home, you wouldn't have a mortgage.

No but my parents might, but lets not worry about that , fcuk em

Paulownia

My parents took a little off me when I was living at home. I think I offered it initially. It wasn't a lot but at least I didn't feel I was living off them.
When I left and married they gave me money towards buying our first house and my father told me they'd saved the money I'd given them and they were giving it back to me.
Win/win all round and I'm forever grateful for it. They weren't poor but it helped me appreciate the value of earning my own living
Nowadays young people have much more and their expectations are much higher but a little reality check which may seem tough at the time can only be good for them in the long term

Lau2976

Agree12345 wrote: »

I would agree with the other poster. I find it very strange the way you hear about people being asked to pay rent while living at home its something I never head off before starting to read boards.ie.

I would have moved out in my mid 20's as I need to move city for work but otherwise I could see myself still be living at home in my 30's and my parents would be very happy about that and wouldn't dream of charging rent in fact I know with them it would be a struggle to even buy groceries. Even though myself and my siblings all have good jobs my parents still give us money any chance they get and its a struggle to give them money for things we might owe them for. Often money we would try to give would end up back in our bank account by transfer or thrown into the car as we were heading off etc.

So with this in mind the idea of paying to live at home is a very strange one to me. It just wouldn't be accepted.

Even in summer jobs during college etc my parents would never allow me spend my own money on college related stuff, I lived at home and drove in and out so no rent but things like fees, books etc they insisted on paying and would always say "the money you earn part time and during the summer is yours to enjoy".

And it's great that your parents could afford to act like that. But a lot can't.

My parents could easily have afforded to pay my way through college too, but they didn't because I'm an adult. I got a job, I worked 25 hours a week on top of college and selling my art and without those four years of back breaking work I wouldn't have the same mindset today.

OP, your daughter is an adult. It's better that she learns to be diligent with her expenses now while she's at home instead of later when she's not. Pick a cost, even if it is just €30 a week, but teach her the importance of financial planning now while she can make mistakes.

Pac1Man

mailforkev wrote: »

I very much disagree. It's to do with the values that the parents raise the kids to have.

I agree with you. What I mean is, those saying their parents wouldn't take a penny off them obviously lived in a comfortable household where money was not a big issue.

They haven't considered the fact that another adult living in the household is likely to cause a financial strain to some (most?) families.

Everyone should pay their way to some extent regardless though.

freshpopcorn

My take on this is different families have different beliefs and views on regarding to the whole charging rent/bills to adult children.(I've heard good and bad on bought sides)
You've to decided what you want to do because it's your house and you can come to an arrangement with your daughter and her father can have what ever arrangement he wants in his home as well!

The first day I was able to put thirty quid from my first wages towards grocery bills I was proud to do it. I was 13.

I'd be embarrassed to have the attitude of one or two in this thread. It's not about whether your parents can afford a freeloader. It's whether or not you'd want to be one.

22 is long past the age of putting some of your own money into bills and rent. Some posts in the thread would have you believe that it's late adolescence but at that age you're an adult and should expect more of yourself.

Realt Dearg Sec

Is the objective to get a few quid from the kid, to teach them a lesson, or to help them save for a mortgage? I know which one would be most beneficial, and it's not teaching them a lesson. Though typing that does seem to give people a warm feeling about how hard nosed they are themselves about the real world and how cosseted the kids these days are.

Cupcake_Crisis

As soon as I was earning I was handing money up. And rightly so. Even if I was on the dole a portion of it went to the house. Made the shock of paying rent slightly more palettable.

Op, maybe give her the summer so she can have a holiday after the stress of exams. But once she's a few paychecks in I'd be having a talk with her.

The J Stands for Jay

Don't forget to declare the rent on your tax return and pay income tax in it.

ted1

McGaggs wrote: »

Don't forget to declare the rent on your tax return and pay income tax in it.

Why would he do that , and why would you suggest that ? Have you really nothing to add to the conversation ?

Any income would be covered under rent a room scheme and be tax free

JuliusCaesar

Avery Dirty Mine wrote: »

This new thing of charging children to live at home is pure madness. Why would you do that to your daughter. Ask her to get the shopping in now and again and take on a bill like internet or tv etc but don't charge her rent and let her build up her savings and get her a good head start on route to a mortgage while still enjoying her 20's as she will be able to save and enjoy life if she isn't paying rent.

My parents would laugh if someone suggested one of us pay rent while living at home they wouldn't even entertain the idea same for friends of mine many who lived at home until they were 30 while in good jobs. The idea of paying rent to live at home is bizarre.

This is not a new thing. I paid into the household when I moved in with my parents on a temporary basis, having been working abroad, at age 20, in the late 1970s. It was less than I would have paid in rent so allowed me to save. My pride would not have allowed me to have a free ride.

All my friends at the time saw it as normal, and did the same when staying at their parents' homes.


Have a chat with her now, so that she knows what's coming.

BnB

I will never ever ever ask my kids to pay a single penny in "Rent" while they are living at home. They are young yet, but over the next 10-15 years as they go through college, start working etc I will support them as much as I can. Depending on finance at the time, I may or may not be able to give them money, but whatever happens, they will always know that our house is one they can come to and stay in for as long as they like.

That's why it's called a "Home".

The J Stands for Jay

ted1 wrote: »

Why would he do that , and why would you suggest that ? Have you really nothing to add to the conversation ?

Any income would be covered under rent a room scheme and be tax free

Rent a room scheme does not apply to payments made to parents.

I am giving advice to avoid a future tax bill. May I ask what you are contributing?

Lollipops23

I always paid my way when I was living at home but working after college. It wasn't a lot (my mother refused to take any more than 250 a month), but even when I was on the dole I paid up. Was only fair.

Sapphire

The problem with letting your grown up children free-load while doing all their laundry, dinners and paying for their share of the bills and letting them keep 100% of their income is that when they end up flat-sharing they become THAT flatmate. The asshole who uses all of Johns milk or the last of Mary's washing powder without asking and never thinks to replace it. The one who never has the rent money but has brand new clothes for clubbing. The one who stiffs their flatmates on the electricity or heating bills. The one who never cleans up or washes the dishes. That one.

And the person who bears the brunt of this behaviours is the sensible flatmate earning the same low wage as freeloader and who's parents taught them how to be a responsible, considerate adult when living with others. I've flat-shared with hundreds at this stage I'd say and I can spot a cosseted flatmate a mile off and they are usually the worst people to share with.

Handing up your keep was the norm for generations. Its great that so many may not need this from their kids these days but its not just about money. It's that final lesson you teach them as a parent - financial budgeting, independence and responsibility.

LegacyUser

Sapphire wrote: »

The problem with letting your grown up children free-load while doing all their laundry, dinners and paying for their share of the bills and letting them keep 100% of their income is that when they end up flat-sharing they become THAT flatmate. The asshole who uses all of Johns milk or the last of Mary's washing powder without asking and never thinks to replace it. The one who never has the rent money but has brand new clothes for clubbing. The one who stiffs their flatmates on the electricity or heating bills. The one who never cleans up or washes the dishes. That one.

+ 1 My brother became "that flatmate". There's a big age gap between us so when I was growing up we didn't have much money and I was very aware how much even the small things cost while my brother was use to having whatever he wanted. I worked from the age of 15 and all the way through college I was working part time while my brother didn't. He went looking for his first job after finishing college and it was a struggle. While he'd a good degree he had zero life skills. I let him move into my place for a few months and I couldn't get over how bad he was.

Different families have different attitudes - my mums parents let their kids stay as long as they wanted rent free while my dad's parents said pay rent or move out once you reached 18. There's only 3 in my mums family while 12 in my dads so totally different worlds.

I know my parents would let me move back home and would let me live there for free if I was struggling. Yes it will always be my home but I would feel very uncomfortable living there not paying my way and also my parents are retired and enjoying their life without kids so it would have to be last option for me to move back in with them.

Emme

Is this getting into a Monty Python "3 Yorkshireman" type hardship contest?

When I was 9 years old I started using my parents' phone to call my friends. They put a little piggy bank beside the phone with a notebook and pen. I paid 5p for every 3 minute call I made and I had to write down who I called and the approximate duration of the call. Longer calls cost 10p. The 5p came from my £1 pocket money. I always had to earn my pocket money and my keep as well by doing chores around the house and on the farm. I left home when I got my first job and moved into rented accommodation but rented accommodation was affordable back then. This type of childhood was normal for me and my peers.

Seriously the OP and his ex will have to strike a balance on what they charge their daughter. If they charge her too much and she will leave home as soon as she can. If they charge her a reasonable amount so she can live and save she will learn to budget.

JuliusCaesar

JuliusCaesar wrote: »

This is not a new thing. I paid into the household when I moved in with my parents on a temporary basis, having been working abroad, at age 20, in the late 1970s. It was less than I would have paid in rent so allowed me to save. My pride would not have allowed me to have a free ride.

All my friends at the time saw it as normal, and did the same when staying at their parents' homes.
.

I certainly wouldn't consider it normal. It was unheard of for my parents or their siblings on both sides also and most didn't move out till their 30's after getting married and building/buying and some on both sides never moved out just took on the home house and moved in their oh after getting married.

LegacyUser

Sapphire wrote: »

The problem with letting your grown up children free-load while doing all their laundry, dinners and paying for their share of the bills and letting them keep 100% of their income is that when they end up flat-sharing they become THAT flatmate. The asshole who uses all of Johns milk or the last of Mary's washing powder without asking and never thinks to replace it. The one who never has the rent money but has brand new clothes for clubbing. The one who stiffs their flatmates on the electricity or heating bills. The one who never cleans up or washes the dishes. That one.

And the person who bears the brunt of this behaviours is the sensible flatmate earning the same low wage as freeloader and who's parents taught them how to be a responsible, considerate adult when living with others. I've flat-shared with hundreds at this stage I'd say and I can spot a cosseted flatmate a mile off and they are usually the worst people to share with.

Handing up your keep was the norm for generations. Its great that so many may not need this from their kids these days but its not just about money. It's that final lesson you teach them as a parent - financial budgeting, independence and responsibility.

I don't see any truth in this to be honest. As I mentioned in my earlier post I only moved out in my mid 20's and I never had to contribute nor did I ever want for anyway. I had a well paying summer and Saturday job during term but my parents still gave me money and also very much encouraged me to quit all work and concentrate on studies for my final year and they helped me with any money I needed during this time. Another poster said they felt working 25 hours a week while studying helped them I'd have the exact opposite opinion, I would not have got the result I got had I needed to work during final year rather than devote as much time to study as I needed and still be able to have down time.

Anyway I have never been late with a bill, never late with rent in fact I am probably one of the most reliable people to pay bills and I was never ever (nor would I if I moved home now be expected to pay rent at home). I'm in my early 30's have a good job, have excellent savings (a good portion of which I actually saved myself). Yet I do not in anyway fit the above profile you have laid out.

I just think it's so mean to ask one of your children to pay to live in their own home I actually feel sorry from them as it would make me sad if my parents were the type to ask.

bmwguy

My sister lived at home until recently and point blank refused to give any money to my mother. My father didn't want it but my mother did all her washing, cooking etc...I thought it was very stingy of my sister to be honest. She was early 30s and she moved out to a dump of an apartment and pays a fortune for it even though I know she would prefer to be at home where she would have easily gotten away with a payment of 200 per month which would have been plenty

Emme

Agree12345 wrote: »

I'm in my early 30's have a good job, have excellent savings (a good portion of which I actually saved myself). Yet I do not in anyway fit the above profile you have laid out.

Why wouldn't you have excellent savings when you didn't have to dip into your pocket once when you were living with your parents?

Agree12345 wrote: »

I just think it's so mean to ask one of your children to pay to live in their own home I actually feel sorry from them as it would make me sad if my parents were the type to ask.

Why is it mean? An adult child living in their parents's house costs them money. Electricity, food, heat, telephone, internet and water all have to be paid for along with the mortgage if they have one. Houses need upkeep and that costs money. It isn't fair for an adult child to expect all this for nothing. If they had their own home they would have to pay for it.

intheclouds

From the age I started earning money I had to hand up some at home. It was called "house keeping" money.

It was not about the amount, it was more of a training regime that life isnt a free ride. From the age I was old enough to work I was expected to have a part time job and hand up some money at home.

I cant really understand any adult who would think its ok to live at home for free and make no contribution to the household. Certainly when I was dating, if I met someone with that attitude I viewed them as very immature, still needing mammy and daddy to mind them.

LegacyUser

My parents took 300eur a month from me when I started to work. (well, they agreed it with me). But unknown to me it was being put into a savings account and my Dad gave it back to me when we bought our house.
I think something should be contributed although you could avoid charging the market rate for rent! But yes, some amount should be agreed upon. As to what you as the parents do with it, that's your decision.

LegacyUser

Emme wrote: »

Why wouldn't you have excellent savings when you didn't have to dip into your pocket once when you were living with your parents?



Why is it mean? An adult child living in their parents's house costs them money. Electricity, food, heat, telephone, internet and water all have to be paid for along with the mortgage if they have one. Houses need upkeep and that costs money. It isn't fair for an adult child to expect all this for nothing. If they had their own home they would have to pay for it.

Firstly I was a student the vast majority of the time I spent living at home.

I wouldn't expect a student even one with a summer part time job to contribute anything as they need their own money to enjoy their time in university. For someone working I wouldn't have an issue with taking on one of the bills and taking their turn doing the grocery shop but being asked to pay rent to live at home I would see as craziness. If I were living at home the cost of running the house would be almost identical bar an increase in food needed and a little more water used the other increases would be very negligible.