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No more mid week movie on RTE
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15-06-2016 6:31pm#1
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Just stick on itv 4, always movies on in the evening. Now, its usually Rambo or Cliffhanger...maybe a bit of Under Siege 2, but sure who wouldnt want to watch those?
Good old one of the worst movies ever, I don't know that I enjoy any other movie being ripped apart on comedy sites quite as much as this!
Two quick ones from Cracked.comSteven Seagal apparently has some clause in his acting contract that forbids him not only from ever being defeated in a fistfight, but also from ever appearing as if he is at a disadvantage. Consequently, the final confrontations in his Under Siege movies tend to be about as intense as Jason Statham making a 2-year-old sit in the corner for spilling a box of grape juice.
In Under Siege, Seagal faces off against Tommy Lee Jones in a stolen battleship, which is a sentence that needs no punchline. However, in the film, Tommy Lee Jones plays a man that is so dangerous, the U.S. government can't even manage to assassinate him. He was also able to take over an active warship, so he's clearly no slouch.
But Seagal strolls into the control room of the ship for a brief slap fight against Tommy, then gouges his eye out, stabs a knife into the top of his head like he's carving a jack-o'-lantern, and finally throws Tommy's mortificated skull dome through an instrument panel, which then explodes in a shower of electricity like a Bon Jovi video.
That's like three different bad guy deaths, and Seagal cashed them all in on the same person in less time than it took to read this paragraph.
In Under Siege 2, Seagal finds himself on a train loaded with mercenaries hired by a villainous computer-hacking mastermind to help him accomplish whatever fairy-tale bull**** '90s cinema relentlessly believed computer hackers were capable of doing. Seagal lazily karate chops his way through a bunch of subordinates until he makes it to the badass mercenary leader, who challenges him to a knife fight. This quickly devolves into Seagal waving his hands around like an interpretive Daft Punk dance and slapping (literally slapping) the mercenary leader into dizzying submission.
He then lifts the mercenary leader's defeated body off of the ground to snap his neck and deliver the flabby, inflectionless Seagal equivalent of a witty one-liner.
And although we weren't expecting much of a fight against the computer-hacking mastermind, I would be remiss if I didn't mention the fact that Seagal defeats him by slicing all his fingers off and dropping him into an immolating fireball blazing up from the wreckage of a detonating train.This movie originally had nothing to do with the original Under Siege. It was a script called Dark Territory about bad guys that have to hijack a train to do bad stuff. It has nothing to do with the Navy. It has nothing to do with the previous movie. Basically, Steven Seagal auditioned for the part and got it, so the producers figured they might as well give his character the same name as in Under Siege and call it a sequel.
What's especially odd is that, around this time, Speed was in need of a sequel, which meant it needed a script about a fast-moving vehicle, explosions and terrorists. Dark Territory would have fit, but it was turned into a sequel to Under Siege instead. This left Speed 2 in need of a script, so they used what was originally supposed to be the script for the third Die Hard movie, about a boat being hijacked. This obviously left Die Hard 3 in need of a script, so they gave Bruce Willis a sassy black partner and used the script that was originally going to be the fourth Lethal Weapon movie. This obviously left Lethal Weapon 4 without a script, but apparently they went ahead and shot that movie without one.
The bad guys in this movie hijack the train because, as they explain, nobody can track them if they keep moving. That's the best justification the writers could think of for someone hijacking a train. Apparently it never occurred to these guys to rent a van, avoiding any potential run-ins with assholes wearing tiny ponytails. It's also a lot more unpredictable because it doesn't, you know, run on tracks.0 -
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