Not Inviting Specific Family Members Etiquette

Walter H Price

So basically we're getting married November 17 , everything is booked and organised and all of of our family and friends etc have been told dates and stuff.We had to do some of it a little earlier then we'd of liked in order to get better room rates from the hotel, including setting up a private group on facebook for invited guests.

My OH has a fairly big family and has never gotten on with one of her Uncles so has chosen not to invite him or any of his kids. I have a really small family with only 2 Aunts and uncles on either side and 7 Cousins. But i have not spoken to one of my aunts since i was a child and i have no relationship with her 3 kids, she has never even been introduced to my Fiance despite the fact we are together 6 years, so naturally (to me anyway) she and her family also will not be invited.

we've told our parents from the start that these difficult family members would not be on the guest list and got a mixed reaction. We already no both my aunt and her uncle are expecting invites from what we have hear from other family members.

what i'm wondering is what is the etiquette for informing a relative they are not invited ? should we just leave it and allow them to assume they are not when the don't receive a save the date or invite by post or should we text them or send them a letter or something just giving them a heads up that they wont be going.

Speedwell

You simply don't invite them. Their reactions and the reactions of your other family members are on themselves, not you. Make your guest list and refuse to be bullied.

Walter H Price

Speedwell wrote: »

You simply don't invite them. Their reactions and the reactions of your other family members are on themselves, not you. Make your guest list and refuse to be bullied.

Yeh to be honest bot our parents and my gran parents were totally fine with it , to be honest no one in my family was expecting my aunt to be invited i've no idea why shes expecting one to be honest. One or two people in my Fiences family were a bit annoyed that she wasn't inviting her uncle but there's no way of either of us giving in on it we have limited numbers because its a small church so we have our max numbers now and those two family's are not included.

stargazer 68

Yep simply dont send an invite - dont be drawn on any reasons by anyone. My OH is not inviting his brother in law. His sister and kids are invited but was not having her husband there for anyone!

drunkmonkey

In fairness to your Aunt she's probably minded you and changed your nappy at some stage even if you can't remember, uncle probably loves your soon to be bride as well just doesn't show it.
I'd invite them, if the don't want to be there they won't go.
It's your day though if someone is going to upset you by being there don't invite them.
If ye have kids or something in the future and they send a present or a card or even a decent wedding present you might regret snubbing them.

Speedwell

drunkmonkey wrote: »

In fairness to your Aunt she's probably minded you and changed your nappy at some stage even if you can't remember, uncle probably loves your soon to be bride as well just doesn't show it.
I'd invite them, if the don't want to be there they won't go.
It's your day though if someone is going to upset you by being there don't invite them.
If ye have kids or something in the future and they send a present or a card or even a decent wedding present you might regret snubbing them.

The OP has only so much room and so many resources and probably damn good reasons for wanting to leave the aunt out of it. It can't have been an easy decision... or, on second thought, if it was an easy decision, all the more reason to refuse to be bullied about changing their minds.

I told the people who wanted to revise my guest list for me that they were welcome to pay the cost for each guest they wanted me to add.

Walter H Price

drunkmonkey wrote: »

In fairness to your Aunt she's probably minded you and changed your nappy at some stage even if you can't remember, uncle probably loves your soon to be bride as well just doesn't show it.
I'd invite them, if the don't want to be there they won't go.
It's your day though if someone is going to upset you by being there don't invite them.
If ye have kids or something in the future and they send a present or a card or even a decent wedding present you might regret snubbing them.

I haven't actually spoken to her since i was 10 she never came to anything my confo 16 18 21st etc saw her once a year at Christmas till i was old enough to just avoid that too, no relationship their at all , there are people i feel allot closer too who are friends , colleagues , team mates etc that id much rather have their.

My OH is a bit the same a bit different she never had a row with her uncle but hes not as close to the rest of her family hes not gone to allot of her big birthdays and so on and also he can make a bit of a tit of himself when hes a bit of drink on board and is a bit of a black sheep in her family who are all working class but hard working , he just lives of the state and is quite proud of that , so i think shed be a bit embarrassed having him there anyway.

bur

Do either parents have much contact/good relationship with the aunt or uncle in question? I'd consider doing it for them personally, it's only four extra guests, never mind the cousins. They might say they are okay with it, but they might not want to upset the bride or groom either.

Are they the type to cause a scene at the wedding?

Malari

With us it wasn't even a case of "we'll pick one family from each side" it just happened to be the cousins/aunts and uncles we are closest to. The people we see regularly because they live close by.

LOTS of people who weren't invited sent us gifts and cards as well, I don't see what that has to do with anything. But you have to draw the line somewhere and not let anyone dictate your guestlist!

Walter H Price

bur wrote: »

Do either parents have much contact/good relationship with the aunt or uncle in question? I'd consider doing it for them personally, it's only four extra guests, never mind the cousins. They might say they are okay with it, but they might not want to upset the bride or groom either.

Are they the type to cause a scene at the wedding?

My Mam wouldn't have much time for my aunt neither would my other aunt , without sounding bias here she is genuinely not a very nice person, they are more annoyed i haven't invited the kids to be honest but its not a personal thing with them i've limited numbers n despite being my cousins i have literally 0 relationship with them , like i've seen them once or twice in the last 6 years.

Dunno too much about MY future mother in laws relationship with her brother , i think she would rater he was invited to keep the peace but shes not one to interfere , i think he has kicked off at some there events before and his lifestyle and his views are definitely an embarrassment to allot of them , again ive only met him once or twice so i don't really know.

irish_dave_83

Personally I would invite them. It causes less hassle and needless worry. Plus form their point of view, being the only family member that isn't invited can't make them feel good at all.

But regards to etiquette, you just simply don't invite them, they wont bring it up with you, but they might with your respective parents.

lazygal

We didn't ask all relatives on both sides. We both have difficult family members and couldn't be doing with the stress of worrying about their behaviour on the day. I heard through the grapevine than one person on my side was a bit miffed, but we figures it was our wedding, we were paying for it and we got to choose-and there's no way we were having people at our day just because we happened to be related to them.
We also both have rakes of cousins we rarely see. We don't expect invitations for their weddings, so we didn't invite them to ours, only the ones we'd regularly see.

Milly33

Ah I would think if ye don't want to invite them then don't.. More than likely they will give out if they aren't invited and they will moan if they are..

If you most certainly do not want them there on the day then just say nothing. And if perhaps ye do meet just say well you didn't feel like ye were close or that ye haven't meet in so long..

If ye are kinda a little maybe ye should invite them, then just invite them to the afters! Leave it at that..

Walter H Price

The real issue is that my aunt has just kinda assumed shes going , i know shes mentioned it to my mam and my grandparents who both have been told she's not invited so that makes it a bit awkward for them.

My preference would have been to just say nothing and let it dawn on that shes not invited , but i think she should probably be told in some manner just so it makes it less awkward for my grandparents who are in their 80's and my mam. I think my OH's uncle was complaining about the price of rooms and the fact they'd have to stay over to one of her aunts which again was a bit awkward.

No interest in creating any drama would rather just nip it in the bud like but i don't know if either of them are adult enough to just accept it and not kick up a fuss.

Malari

I find it really odd that anyone would just assume they are being invited! If it was me I'd say nothing and let them realise it themselves. If they are already complaining about the potential cost then they sound like they would be just as happy not to be invited?

lazygal

Malari wrote: »

I find it really odd that anyone would just assume they are being invited! If it was me I'd say nothing and let them realise it themselves. If they are already complaining about the potential cost then they sound like they would be just as happy not to be invited?

This. Other people's expectations aren't your responsibility. Sometimes I think we tiptoe around adults who are difficult far too much. So what if someone isn't asked to a wedding, surely they have coped with larger disappointments in life. The older I get the more I realise sometimes you're better off being selfish and suiting yourselves because you'll get little or no thanks from people who will take offence or give out no matter what you do.

rainbowtrout

You never see these people, and have no relationship with them. The expectation of an invite is entirely in their own heads. You owe them nothing, it's not even a case where your parents told them they were invited when they weren't. No need to tell them formally they are not invited. That will just open up a channel of communication which you don't need the hassle of. They'll work it out when they don't get an invite. Even if they are put out about it, it's not like you're going to see them any time soon.

Walter H Price

Malari wrote: »

I find it really odd that anyone would just assume they are being invited! If it was me I'd say nothing and let them realise it themselves. If they are already complaining about the potential cost then they sound like they would be just as happy not to be invited?

Yeh have to say i found it really odd as well like , shes genuinely been to nothing despite being invited to everything from my 10th birthday , my 16th ,18th , Debs , College Grad, 21st the lot she was invited to them all by my mam and either had an excuse or just didn't show. she left her family (though not divorced or separated) and moved to the middle east 4 years ago and since then i haven't seen her once bar briefly at my gandads 80th , shes never met my fience like. but shes asking about dates because she may need to book flights well in advance etc for the wedding i was a bit shocked to be honest like , how she thought she would be invited i have no idea.

My mam has just been telling her we've no date set yet despite the fact its all booked since February, like i said would rather just nip it in the bud like and let her know she wont be invited to the wedding or afters and i dont really know how she can expect to be.

Speedwell

Walter H Price wrote: »

Yeh have to say i found it really odd as well like , shes genuinely been to nothing despite being invited to everything from my 10th birthday , my 16th ,18th , Debs , College Grad, 21st the lot she was invited to them all by my mam and either had an excuse or just didn't show. she left her family (though not divorced or separated) and moved to the middle east 4 years ago and since then i haven't seen her once bar briefly at my gandads 80th , shes never met my fience like. but shes asking about dates because she may need to book flights well in advance etc for the wedding i was a bit shocked to be honest like , how she thought she would be invited i have no idea.

My mam has just been telling her we've no date set yet despite the fact its all booked since February, like i said would rather just nip it in the bud like and let her know she wont be invited to the wedding or afters and i dont really know how she can expect to be.

I'm trying hard not to laugh at the mental picture of her showing up on the day to gate crash and having to stand in the back of the church and sit without a meal at the reception.

SarahMollie

Walter H Price wrote: »

Yeh have to say i found it really odd as well like , shes genuinely been to nothing despite being invited to everything from my 10th birthday , my 16th ,18th , Debs , College Grad, 21st the lot she was invited to them all by my mam and either had an excuse or just didn't show. she left her family (though not divorced or separated) and moved to the middle east 4 years ago and since then i haven't seen her once bar briefly at my gandads 80th , shes never met my fience like. but shes asking about dates because she may need to book flights well in advance etc for the wedding i was a bit shocked to be honest like , how she thought she would be invited i have no idea.

My mam has just been telling her we've no date set yet despite the fact its all booked since February, like i said would rather just nip it in the bud like and let her know she wont be invited to the wedding or afters and i dont really know how she can expect to be.

Humm, if theres talk of booking flights then maybe someone should just tell her. Its unfair that your mam constantly has to fudge things wiht her on your behalf.

Maybe just send her a quick email explaining that you've heard that she's been inquiring, but that due to your venues numbers you've been unable to invite her as you are prioritizing people who both of you have met in person.

I wouldn't mention anything about her being a no show to all of your previous events in the first instance. Maybe only if she kicks up a fuss, you could argue that since she's never attended previously, you'd no reason to believe this would be an exception, but numbers are fixed now so your hands are tied.

Dardania

Send an invite to the afters?

Malari

Walter H Price wrote: »

Yeh have to say i found it really odd as well like , shes genuinely been to nothing despite being invited to everything from my 10th birthday , my 16th ,18th , Debs , College Grad, 21st the lot she was invited to them all by my mam and either had an excuse or just didn't show. she left her family (though not divorced or separated) and moved to the middle east 4 years ago and since then i haven't seen her once bar briefly at my gandads 80th , shes never met my fience like. but shes asking about dates because she may need to book flights well in advance etc for the wedding i was a bit shocked to be honest like , how she thought she would be invited i have no idea.

My mam has just been telling her we've no date set yet despite the fact its all booked since February, like i said would rather just nip it in the bud like and let her know she wont be invited to the wedding or afters and i dont really know how she can expect to be.

I guess if she's been invited to all of your significant life events thusly far, that's why she's assuming she's being invited! :pac:

But this is different, as there are two of you involved in the guestlist here. You could say what we did, depending on the size of your wedding - we only invited people we BOTH knew and had met before.

Walter H Price

SarahMollie wrote: »

Humm, if theres talk of booking flights then maybe someone should just tell her. Its unfair that your mam constantly has to fudge things wiht her on your behalf.

Maybe just send her a quick email explaining that you've heard that she's been inquiring, but that due to your venues numbers you've been unable to invite her as you are prioritizing people who both of you have met in person.
.

see that's kinda my thinking , i don't want it to have to fall to my ma or my grandparents either telling her or letting it slip like , would probably just be best to send a text or email letting her know that her and her family weren't invited.

Walter H Price

Dardania wrote: »

Send an invite to the afters?

Shes definitely the sorth that would go and then kick off at the afters about not being invited to the whole thing , sort of a very angry person , so i think a clean break s best here no invite at all . to be honest she has been no real part of my life to now and she certainly wont feature at all in the future so i don't feel too bad about it at all.

Soft Boiled

Only invite the people you want to be there - simple.

There were relatives on both sides that didn't get an invite to our wedding, simply because we had no relationship with them and no intention of inviting people just for the sake of it.

Never discussed our invite list with family either - why would you? - it was our wedding, and we were paying for it.

No idea if anyone was put out by this or not and to be honest I wouldn't care if some random aunt or uncle was.

Ficheall

Walter H Price wrote: »

Yeh have to say i found it really odd as well like , shes genuinely been to nothing despite being invited to everything from my 10th birthday , my 16th ,18th , Debs , College Grad, 21st the lot she was invited to them all by my mam and either had an excuse or just didn't show.

Slightly OT, but how do you remember all this stuff?
I can't remember who was at any of my birthdays, nor what I did for them - even these allegedly "big" ones...

Mrs OBumble

SarahMollie wrote: »

Humm, if theres talk of booking flights then maybe someone should just tell her. Its unfair that your mam constantly has to fudge things wiht her on your behalf.

Maybe just send her a quick email explaining that you've heard that she's been inquiring, but that due to your venues numbers you've been unable to invite her as you are prioritizing people who both of you have met in person.

This.

Either you have to tell her, or you have to find someone else who will do it for you.

What's suggested above is the adult approach: you're not sending a "you're not invited" (how rude!) but you are clarifying the situation.

Milly33

People are gas with the notions they have.... And how badly they take not being invited to weddings, very sad in one way..

May you could just bottle it and give her a ring short and simple have a reason for ending the call quickly. Write something out on a piece of paper to tell her as such why she isn't getting and invite..Done and dusted.

Walter H Price

Ficheall wrote: »

Slightly OT, but how do you remember all this stuff?

I can't remember who was at any of my birthdays, nor what I did for them - even these allegedly "big" ones...

Fair point i suppose i have quite a small family like 4 Aunts (2 on either side) and 7 cousins , plus my then 4 now 3 grandparents and 1 sister .... so when one out of 4 Aunts and 3 out of 7 cousins aren't there it's somewhat obvious. and it caused a few rows in the past like i didn't want her at my 18th or 21st and my ma insisted then ended up with egg on her face when she was a no show , think that's kinda why she's not bothered this time. My Grandparents had a big row with her over her not coming to my confo because i think they were a little embarrassed by her no showing up.

Not like i missed her at any of those events in fact most i didn't want her at but the absence was noticeable like.

Ruby31

Walter H Price wrote: »

So basically we're getting married November 17 , everything is booked and organised and all of of our family and friends etc have been told dates and stuff.We had to do some of it a little earlier then we'd of liked in order to get better room rates from the hotel, including setting up a private group on facebook for invited guests.

My OH has a fairly big family and has never gotten on with one of her Uncles so has chosen not to invite him or any of his kids. I have a really small family with only 2 Aunts and uncles on either side and 7 Cousins. But i have not spoken to one of my aunts since i was a child and i have no relationship with her 3 kids, she has never even been introduced to my Fiance despite the fact we are together 6 years, so naturally (to me anyway) she and her family also will not be invited.

we've told our parents from the start that these difficult family members would not be on the guest list and got a mixed reaction. We already no both my aunt and her uncle are expecting invites from what we have hear from other family members.

what i'm wondering is what is the etiquette for informing a relative they are not invited ? should we just leave it and allow them to assume they are not when the don't receive a save the date or invite by post or should we text them or send them a letter or something just giving them a heads up that they wont be going.

We had a guest at our wedding, but their other-half was specifically told to stay away. This person has caused no end of trouble at family gatherings and we didn't want to risk it for our wedding. People were full of opinions, telling us we couldn't possibly do that. Well we did and we had a fab day without any drama.

Faith

SarahMollie wrote: »

Maybe just send her a quick email explaining that you've heard that she's been inquiring, but that due to your venues numbers you've been unable to invite her as you are prioritizing people who both of you have met in person.

Yep, absolutely this. We invited all of my aunts and uncles, despite not really wanting them there, but they had at least met my fiance a couple of times.

Aside: Is it common for aunts and uncles to attend birthday parties?! Maybe my family is different, but there wasn't so much as a mention made of extended family joining any celebrations like that.

mahamageehad

Only in Ireland is this kind of thing a problem, I've seen more fights about this than anything else. I was discussing a case recently with my mam of a friend who was dealing with family fall-out for hand-picking the aunts, uncles and cousins she was close to. I think it's a silly situation, you should invite whoever you bloody want, but she was under a lot of pressure to invite them all as it was "expected". She didn't in the end and there's still grief over it.
When I was telling the story to my mam, she responded "Of course you'd have to invite them all", presumably referring to her 10 siblings and my fathers 12 siblings plus their other halves. I was like no way!!!!!! good thing I'm not getting married, I just find the family thing to be such an Irish thing!!!

ChewChew

Op, I feel your pain!! My wedding is in March. My mam is one of 10, dad was one of 9. Same for my OH's family. I'm inviting one aunt on my mams side, one on my dads side.(we haven't decided on the OH's yet) but I've already had two aunts ask what the date is so they can pencil it in their diary. I've, as politely as possible, told them not to bother. I won't be contacting anyone to tell them they're not invited, I just won't be inviting them and they'll figure that out once they discover the invite was never sent!

Toots

SarahMollie wrote: »

Humm, if theres talk of booking flights then maybe someone should just tell her. Its unfair that your mam constantly has to fudge things wiht her on your behalf.

Maybe just send her a quick email explaining that you've heard that she's been inquiring, but that due to your venues numbers you've been unable to invite her as you are prioritizing people who both of you have met in person.

I wouldn't mention anything about her being a no show to all of your previous events in the first instance. Maybe only if she kicks up a fuss, you could argue that since she's never attended previously, you'd no reason to believe this would be an exception, but numbers are fixed now so your hands are tied.

I'd suggest this, but ask your mum if she's going to be speaking to her in the near future, that way if she mentions it to your mum she can say something to your aunt. It may seem slightly less awkward coming from your mum, as opposed to you having to actually contact her to say she's not coming. If your mum won't be talking to her soon though, you'll probably have to bite the bullet and do it.

stoplooklisten

just invite them to the afters, that's what they're for

Walter H Price

Toots wrote: »

I'd suggest this, but ask your mum if she's going to be speaking to her in the near future, that way if she mentions it to your mum she can say something to your aunt. It may seem slightly less awkward coming from your mum, as opposed to you having to actually contact her to say she's not coming. If your mum won't be talking to her soon though, you'll probably have to bite the bullet and do it.

This is what my OH is suggesting to do , but my mam and my aunt don't see or speak to each other really like they have little or no relationship , so the next time they will see her is probably Christmas of this year by which time save the dates and stuff will have already gone.

My only concern with her is shes quite volatile and i think she's going to flip her bean when shes told she wont be invited , id rather have to deal with that tantrum then having her offload on my mam or my grandparents.

Milly33

Ah feck it them OP let her assume what she wants to and don't ye worry about it....In fairness it sounds like she hasn't been great all along.So if she gets disappointed by not being invited then it is on her ownness she should not expect to be

Walter H Price

Milly33 wrote: »

Ah feck it them OP let her assume what she wants to and don't ye worry about it....In fairness it sounds like she hasn't been great all along.So if she gets disappointed by not being invited then it is on her ownness she should not expect to be

Yeh we had a bit of a chat about it again last night , like we've decided to just say noting to her Uncle kinda assuming he'l be told at some stage by some other family member or directly if he asks himself. He didn't go to her cousins wedding because all of his 8 kids weren't invited , and were not inviting kids at all only older cousins over 18 , sot if he asks that's the reasoning.

Gunna have another chat with my grandparents just to make 100% sure their cool with my Aunt and her kids not being invited , just going to tell the the truth like we have limited space in the church and we really only want the people were closest too there , so my Aunt and her family wont be invited because they've never even spoken to my fience and i haven't seen them other than at 1 party for the best part of 4 years. will leave it then if she books flights or whatever that's on her but assuming she will cop on when she receives no save the date or invite , if she asks directly or says anything she'll just be told it was assumed she wouldn't be attending given her track record.

Sam Kade

Dardania wrote: »

Send an invite to the afters leftovers?

Milly33

Great stuff sorted then, I suppose in the long run honesty is the best policy at least then you don't have to worry about one person saying one thing, and the other saying another..

Delighted ye have it sorted out now, don't dwell on it anymore... Things like this can take over! best of luck with the rest of the planning

nhunter100

Walter H Price wrote:

My only concern with her is shes quite volatile and i think she's going to flip her bean when shes told she wont be invited , id rather have to deal with that tantrum then having her offload on my mam or my grandparents.

Jaysus, grow a pair ring her and say sorry the numbers are small and you can't invite her. Do your own dirty work and leave your mum out of it.

SarahMollie

nhunter100 wrote: »

Jaysus, grow a pair ring her and say sorry the numbers are small and you can't invite her. Do your own dirty work and leave your mum out of it.

While a bit blunt, I agree with this. Even email if you don't want to have a conversation.

Don't put your poor mother in this position. Its your decision, you stand over it yourself.

By not handling it quickly and quietly now, you're only storing up trouble for the future IMO.

Laura_A

My only concern with her is shes quite volatile and i think she's going to flip her bean when shes told she wont be invited , id rather have to deal with that tantrum then having her offload on my mam or my grandparents.[/QUOTE]

Pretty sure that is the OP saying he would rather do it himself than have him mum involved?

SarahMollie

Laura_A wrote: »

My only concern with her is shes quite volatile and i think she's going to flip her bean when shes told she wont be invited , id rather have to deal with that tantrum then having her offload on my mam or my grandparents.

Pretty sure that is the OP saying he would rather do it himself than have him mum involved?

Well, he's electing to let her figure it out for herself which means its likely that either his mam or some other family member will bear the brunt once the penny drops.

CarrieDzzz

Hey OP.

At the end of the day, you should just invite who ever you want to be there. I had similar problems and went for the easy option and invited the uncle that told me he was glad he never had any daughters if they were to be like me and the cousins that i dont see except once a year. (we weren't stuck for numbers). However on the day I couldn't have cared if every person I never liked turned up, it couldn't ruin the day.

People really do expect to be invited, there was one couple (who arent related) that had been expecting to be invited to the wedding, they never even entered our heads for the evening part. They made it known to several ppl that they weren't invited and obviously felt they should have been. The OH wanted to pretend their invite got lost in the post & invite them but I did put my foot down.

Soft Boiled

Walter H Price wrote: »

Gunna have another chat with my grandparents just to make 100% sure their cool with my Aunt and her kids not being invited

You see, my sympathies become very limited when people put themselves into the issue they claim they have a problem with.

You don't need to run your guest list past anyone.
You don't need parental/grandparental approval on who you want/don't want at your wedding.

Sometimes I think people thrive on the drama of the controversial guest-list issue as it makes it seem like their wedding day is this incredibly important event for everyone else too.
It's honestly not.

Walter H Price

nhunter100 wrote: »

Jaysus, grow a pair ring her and say sorry the numbers are small and you can't invite her. Do your own dirty work and leave your mum out of it.

Yeh no , what i was saying there was i DONT want it to fall on my ma or my grandparents to tell her , the issue which was i think proibly correctly pointed out to me last night by my sister was that if i do e-mail or call her now she will more than likely have a rant at my mam or my grandparents anyway in order to try and get her own way , which is something shes done in the past.

The plan for now is to leave well enough alone and if she asks either of them for info they will just give her my email. Not trying to doge this here just a tricky situation i really dont want my grandparents dumped on by her because they are quite old , and she dost seem to respect that.

nhunter100

Walter H Price wrote:

The plan for now is to leave well enough alone and if she asks either of them for info they will just give her my email. Not trying to doge this here just a tricky situation i really dont want my grandparents dumped on by her because they are quite old , and she dost seem to respect that.

Absolute bs, man up ring her and tell her it's entirely your decision not to invite her based on past form. Allowing her on the assumption she is invited book flights is unbelievably unfair just my opinion. Your decision in the end. Bye.

Speedwell

Walter H Price wrote: »

Yeh no , what i was saying there was i DONT want it to fall on my ma or my grandparents to tell her , the issue which was i think proibly correctly pointed out to me last night by my sister was that if i do e-mail or call her now she will more than likely have a rant at my mam or my grandparents anyway in order to try and get her own way , which is something shes done in the past.

The plan for now is to leave well enough alone and if she asks either of them for info they will just give her my email. Not trying to doge this here just a tricky situation i really dont want my grandparents dumped on by her because they are quite old , and she dost seem to respect that.

As an IT tech support person, I have learned that there is nothing you can do to prevent people who cause trouble from causing trouble. All you can do is your job. Your job is to stay calm, set up the guest list, and get married, not to try fruitlessly to handle every family member's psychological issues. Good luck

Walter H Price

Soft Boiled wrote: »

You see, my sympathies become very limited when people put themselves into the issue they claim they have a problem with.

You don't need to run your guest list past anyone.
You don't need parental/grandparental approval on who you want/don't want at your wedding.

Sometimes I think people thrive on the drama of the controversial guest-list issue as it makes it seem like their wedding day is this incredibly important event for everyone else too.
It's honestly not.

Its really not about drama , I just don't want to upset my grandparents. Most people i wouldn't give a second thought to upsetting or offending but my Nana is a different story , to be honest as much as i dislike my aunt if not having her there would upset my Nana id grin and bear it like.

Laura_A

nhunter100 wrote: »

Absolute bs, man up ring her and tell her it's entirely your decision not to invite her based on past form. Allowing her on the assumption she is invited book flights is unbelievably unfair just my opinion. Your decision in the end. Bye.

If I hadn't spoken to someone in over a decade and booked flights assuming I would be invited to a wedding (having not met one of the people getting married) it would be me that had the problem not the person planning the wedding... No?