Saying this to a friend?

route9

Hi all,

I'm a mid-30s guy and have a close female friend at work who is also mid-30s. We are really good friends and have good craic at work - I would be her best male friend at work and one of her best friends overall there too. We'd have the chats and go for coffee together most days, and so on.

We also travel together with work now and then, and were away only a few weeks back. We travelled around and spent the weekend together visiting another city during the work trip, and so spent quite a bit of time in each other's company.

At one of the work events, another co-worker who we would only see a few times a year commented to both of us (separately) that 'we would make a cute couple'. He said that to her in fact, and said to me 'X is nice'. I agreed and said that we were just friends. The morning after the event, X said to me 'Y said we'd make a cute couple'. I kinda laughed it off and asked X what she said to Y, which was 'ah we're just mates'.

Now, I should clarify that I don't have feelings for this girl as such. I know I like and am attracted to her, and I would definitely date her. There was also an event a few months back where I got the wrong end of the stick and tried to kiss her, but she didn't reciprocate. It was all a bit of mix-up but I did kinda know she didn't see me that way, and she did say this to me afterwards.

Anyway, without going on too long, I am pretty sure that she really doesn't see me that way, and saying something to her would probably not change anything. Which is actually fine! However, I feel like I want to get this off my chest with her - that while I don't have feelings for her or a crush on her or anything, that nonetheless I would agree with what Y said about us potentially being a cute couple.

Is this a good or bad idea? I know only I can really tell (probably!), but I feel like maybe I should just mention it in the above way - no pressure and just that I'd agree with what Y said, and that even if we were only ever friends, I'd be totally cool with that. Which I genuinely would! It really is just a case that if I felt there was a tiny chance at some point that we could date, that I should go and say this to her. Taking a chance and all that.

Plus, we are open with each other and I wouldn't even be contemplating saying anything if I thought it would lead to awkwardness or harm the friendship that we have. I do think that she would appreciate my honesty and straightforwardness, and she is pretty big on straight talking and being direct with people. So just saying this in itself will probably make her see me a bit differently, since I am not as direct as her, generally.

She has commented that I am a good looking guy on a couple of occasions, and she would have seen me getting female (and male! attention here and there, and so on. So I do know she sees me as a good-looking guy, and we do have fun and a laugh.

Anyway, thanks for reading and look forward to any and all thoughts!

via4

Yes defo have a little casual chat about things it seems like you guys are comfortable enough around each other to have that sort of chat...if you do get on why not I'd say go for it!

route9

via4 wrote: »

Yes defo have a little casual chat about things it seems like you guys are comfortable enough around each other to have that sort of chat...if you do get on why not I'd say go for it!

Hey, aw thanks a million really appreciate that lovely little post! I totally agree and I actually think we'd be closer afterwards which in itself would be a good thing.

via4

Yes exactly why not sure if youse get on and even try dating and if not it's no biggie use can laugh it off as use are such good workmates

IvoryTower

Am I missing something here, did she not turn you down already and make it pretty clear that she's not interested. What sort of chat are you hoping to have?

Edit: sorry for the not so lovely post, I really just don't get it

bee06

IvoryTower wrote: »

Am I missing something here, did she not turn you down already and make it pretty clear that she's not interested. What sort of chat are you hoping to have?

Edit: sorry for the not so lovely post, I really just don't get it

Yeah, I agree. She's turned you down so this "chat" is going to result in her having to do it a second time. How is that not going to be awkward not matter how close friends you are.

route9

IvoryTower wrote: »

Am I missing something here, did she not turn you down already and make it pretty clear that she's not interested. What sort of chat are you hoping to have?

Edit: sorry for the not so lovely post, I really just don't get it

bee06 wrote: »

Yeah, I agree. She's turned you down so this "chat" is going to result in her having to do it a second time. How is that not going to be awkward not matter how close friends you are.

I'm kind of glossing over that fact so realistically you are probably right. That time was a bit of a mix up though, a strange one.

Basically we were hanging out in a bar and this girl thought we were a couple and started saying how we looked like we were together and had chemistry, etc. X was smiling at me but she couldn't hear what the girl was saying. I went to kiss her then as I thought she was agreeing with what the girl had said...but I was wrong and I think even then I knew that!

Ah I dunno, I have been single so long and I never meet anyone I like who likes me back. I've just given up on dating full stop. I think it's just how we get on so well and when we were away we were hanging out like a couple would and it just made me question why that couldn't actually be the case. And then the co-worker even mentioning how we'd make a cute couple made me think about it even more.

I suppose the reason I would say it is just that even if there was a tiny chance that she would think differently at any stage, then it would be worth it. One point to mention is that when we have the conversation the last time, I said that I didn't have feelings for her, but I didn't say that I did like her.

But either way you are probably right. Probably best to just forget about it and be happy to have a good friend.

meeeeh

Op before reading your last reply I thought to myself he is either in love with her or lonely. I think now it's the second. Talk to her if you have feelings for her, don't talk to her if you are desperate to be with someone and she is just convenient enough. Good luck but make sure you know what you want before you talk to her.

Tasden

I have a friend in work and our relationship would be similar to yourselves, including people telling us we'd make a cute couple etc. There is absolutely no romantic feelings there whatsoever though. We get on great because of that, it is platonic and comfortable and anything goes kind of thing rather than flirtatious or chemistry if that makes sense. And it sounds like the same goes for this girl.
Also, as someone who had been in a situation where a friend tried to kiss me resulting in a discussion about us not happening, only for him to try again a few weeks later, it is quite a disappointing feeling for a friend to just keep trying to make it more when you've respected them enough to talk about it already and they just ignore that. Feels like they don't really value the friendship. So I'd be wary of pushing it.
Just my 2cents!

Big Bag of Chips

I don't have feelings for her or a crush on her or anything....

So why exactly would you ask her out? Do you think you're magically going to develop feelings for her? Or are you lying to yourself that you don't have feelings for her, and you want someone else to tell you you in fact do?!

I'd be flattered if someone I'd known a long time asked me out. Not so much if I found out he didn't have feelings for me or a crush on me or anything!!

route9

meeeeh wrote: »

Op before reading your last reply I thought to myself he is either in love with her or lonely. I think now it's the second. Talk to her if you have feelings for her, don't talk to her if you are desperate to be with someone and she is just convenient enough. Good luck but make sure you know what you want before you talk to her.

I am not desperate to be with anyone! Never have been I am happy enough being single but of course I would like to meet someone too. I get what you are saying though, which is why I am asking on here - all this advice helps!

route9

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

So why exactly would you ask her out? Do you think you're magically going to develop feelings for her? Or are you lying to yourself that you don't have feelings for her, and you want someone else to tell you you in fact do?!

I'd be flattered if someone I'd known a long time asked me out. Not so much if I found out he didn't have feelings for me or a crush on me or anything!!

I know why you are asking this, thought it could come up! To clarify, I like her and fancy her and having spent time together I could see us together. Chances are she thinks the complete opposite on the last part though!

So it's probably not true to say I don't have feelings for her - I suppose what I mean is that these are more than manageable? Years back I had a huge crush on a co-worker and friend, and it was actually the case that I couldn't hang out with her as just friends, and I actually told her this. In this case it's different - unlike in that case I don't get the 'oh I'm crazy about you' feelings when I see X, but I do think 'you're really attractive, I do like you and I'd love to date you'.

If that's any clearer?!

daisybelle2008

If someone I was friends with told me they didn't have feelings for me and tried to kiss me & told me we'd make a cute couple I'd think they had a screw loose. Sorry OP you just seem very lonely and unsure of yourself. I really don't get it, you have no feelings for her nor do you have a crush on her but you would like to be a couple at some stage??

PressRun

Well, do you or don't you have feelings for her? You keep saying you don't, but you're also saying you like her, find her attractive and wouldn't mind dating her, and you tried to kiss her before. You're also thinking of telling her that you do think you'd make a good couple. I dunno whether you're not being honest with yourself or what, but I wouldn't approach her with this sort of hemming and hawwing. If you do genuinely like her, then go ahead and tell her. If you don't really like her that much and just think that it's convenient, then don't make things awkward. Bear in mind, you already made a move here and were knocked back.

daisybelle2008

route9 wrote: »

If that's any clearer?!

Not really, you have 'manageable' feelings for her?? You are way overthinking it. I'd just forget about her romantically, you are really just trying to justify pushing yourself on someone who isn't interested in you romantically by saying well it's ok I don't have real feelings or a crush on you, other people say we look 'cute' together so let's give it a go on that basis. Leave it, before it becomes creepy.

thierry14

She's a tease/attention seeking women.

We all know the type

If you want to be with her OP you have to let her do all the work.

My advice

Back off a bit, find someone else and let her chase you if she wants, she probably won't.

U tried her, she didn't want

Find someone else

She knows where you are if she wants some.

Don't try her again, she will only turn you down and take satisfaction from it

Don't give her that

You sound like a good guy and are good looking, you will be grand

PressRun

^^

What a bitter, weird post. I don't see anything attention-seeking from her behaviour.

meeeeh

route9 wrote: »

I am not desperate to be with anyone! Never have been I am happy enough being single but of course I would like to meet someone too. I get what you are saying though, which is why I am asking on here - all this advice helps!

Desperate might be a strong word but I've been single most of my twenties and I know sometimes you can start thinking that maybe someone convenient would good enough. Don't do that especially because I think you might make things awkward at work too.

Rachiee

I dont see why you would say to her that you think youd make a good couple. What do you hope the outcome would be?...ok lets go for it?
I think anyone in your situation would be thinking what if? But you have to separate out what on paper would seem perfect with what the actual feelings between you are.
There doesnt seem to be much in it beyond an amazing friendship just because shes a single attractive woman doesnt mean you should go for it. I see that if she did want more youd be willing to give it a shot but so far she hasnt given you any indication that she does.

Id say leave it and enjoy the friendship, if something changes for either of you you'll notice, right now it soimds like the what ifs are just playing on your mind. And making something romamtic where there is nothing there but friendship.

Merkin

thierry14 wrote: »

She's a tease/attention seeking women.

We all know the type

If you want to be with her OP you have to let her do all the work.

My advice

Back off a bit, find someone else and let her chase you if she wants, she probably won't.

U tried her, she didn't want

Find someone else

She knows where you are if she wants some.

Don't try her again, she will only turn you down and take satisfaction from it

Don't give her that

You sound like a good guy and are good looking, you will be grand

We'd ask embittered posters to please not project their own insecurities and issues by posting in a style similar to the above. Kindly keep your advice focussed and leave your own agenda out of it, it is in no way helpful.

LegacyUser

Couple of things.

Are you using her as a substitute for a proper gf?
You laugh, you chat, you get on, you do a lot of things a couple do except there's no sex.

Do you think that if you reduced contact with her that you'd be pushed into finding a partner?

She is filling some form of gap.

Listen, I've had platonic friendships with women before. More often than not there was a reason for this. When we hooked up (with two of them) they ended as expected. Me thinking "let's just go back to being platonic" because I never really fancied you and them wondering where it all went wrong....


That said, my wife was a platonic friend for years....

dev100

route9 wrote:

Hi all,

route9 wrote:

I'm a mid-30s guy and have a close female friend at work who is also mid-30s. We are really good friends and have good craic at work - I would be her best male friend at work and one of her best friends overall there too. We'd have the chats and go for coffee together most days, and so on.

If the girl has turned you down once , why go back for a second No??? .... move on and quickly .... she might enjoy your male company because your safe and she is probably safe to you also. But it's good either way.

Move on and seek female company who likes you more than a special friend ...

batmanrobin

Honestly, OP, you don't sound hugely interested in her romantically. It seems more convenient than anything else. You just seem a bit wishy washy on the whole thing. Kind of like deciding to eat the last slice of cake, not because you're really hungry but just because it's there and you're kinda bored and sure why not.

She's rebuffed you already. Enjoy your friendship as a friendship and look for a woman you can be in an actual intimate relationship with.

dev100

dev100 wrote: »

she might enjoy your male company because your safe and she is probably safe to you also.

Or she simply enjoys his company as a colleague and friend?

route9 wrote: »

I'm a mid-30s guy and have a close female friend at work who is also mid-30s. We are really good friends and have good craic at work - I would be her best male friend at work and one of her best friends overall there too. We'd have the chats and go for coffee together most days, and so on.

We also travel together with work now and then, and were away only a few weeks back. We travelled around and spent the weekend together visiting another city during the work trip, and so spent quite a bit of time in each other's company.

OP I feel like some people are missing the fact that this is a colleague you're talking about. It sounds like you two have a great working relationship, I don't know why you'd go trying to sabotage that.

If you do have feelings for her and you think she'd appreciate you being direct, by all means tell her straight that you would like to date her outside of work but it's a huge risk, whatever her answer may be.

CdeC

Hi OP,

My advice is you have 2 choices.

tell her your feelings,
or
Keep the friendship

If you tell her your feelings it will invariably change your relationship and unless she reciprocates it will probably be for the worse.
Take a step back from the friendship. Try and gauge how she feels from your interactions rather than an out and out "I think you're great" chat. Believe me, a bit of subtle flirting will let you know pretty quickly if things are going to fly.

If you get the feeling she is not responding, and trust your gut, then it'll be a lot easier to pick back up the friendship.

route9

Hi guys, thanks for all the input and please keep it coming if there is any more - I really appreciate it.

I think the crux of the issue is that I just don't ever meet anyone I really like who likes me back. Aside from maybe one girl a few years ago, I literally have not met anyone since my last relationship (which was a long-distance one too) 7 years ago. Sure, I've had a summer fling in the past couple of years and I did go out with someone for a little while last year, but the chemistry wasn't there and so it didn't go anywhere. I have gone on countless dates (vast majority with people I've met online), literally 60+ girls over the past 3-4 years, and I notice I get a nice amount of attention out and about - especially having slimmed down over the past several months.

I've also just stopped online dating (something I'm glad about), and so the only way I see myself meeting someone is through clubs / events or maybe on a night out.

So, when someone joins your department at work and you hit it off straight away, and you become best friends at work and grow closer through hanging out and travelling together, and that person is not hard on the eye either, then it just gets you thinking I guess.

Like today, we had a meeting of the business unit and straight afterwards she asked me down to the canteen for tea / breakfast. Then at lunch she mentioned she was going to head out for lunch, and said that she thought I wouldn't be on for it since we had only gone out for lunch together last week.

However I definitely fancied heading out (great weather and all), and she was delighted when I said so. She was all smiles and we headed out to lunch together. We were having the banter and she was talking about she felt she knew me even better and that we were even better friends having spent all that time travelling together recently. She was slagging me about something and there was good banter and laughs back and forth, etc. Just good fun.

So I don't know what it is, while she is attractive she is actually probably not someone I would immediately fancy as such, but knowing her as I do she is more attractive to me. I suppose part of it is that while I know she thinks I am good looking and even commented today that I get female attention and seem a bit of a 'player' (I'm actually not), I am 99.99% sure she doesn't fancy me or think of me that way - but I would like if she did! Even from the perspective of just having a bit of fun together - a kiss and see where it goes kind of thing.

And the reason for that, I believe (puts psycho-analytical hat on), is part ego and part loving the closeness and fun that we have together, combined with finding her physically attractive. I suppose I see in our relationship what I could have with a girlfriend, and maybe I am projecting that on to her.

Either way, if she happened to ask me out on a date tomorrow, I would love that, and I guess that's how I know that I like her. However, maybe it's because I haven't fallen for her or anything, that I can still see how I should probably just focus on enjoying our friendship.

I do know that if I did say I was open to something happening between us, that it could just be awkward (and a surprise to her), and like last time she would probably feel obliged to reiterate that she sees me as a cool friend and doesn't think of me 'that way'.

So really the only reason for me to say anything would be on the basis of the very tiny probability that she could (either now or in the future), entertain the idea of us going on a date - but that is at the risk of awkwardness or damaging the friendship.

Maybe I just need to meet someone, but that just isn't happening, and so seeing a smart, fun, attractive single girl who I get on brilliantly with and who I am growing closer to every day is maybe just frustrating me a little or something?

Rachiee wrote: »

I dont see why you would say to her that you think youd make a good couple. What do you hope the outcome would be?...ok lets go for it?
I think anyone in your situation would be thinking what if? But you have to separate out what on paper would seem perfect with what the actual feelings between you are.
There doesnt seem to be much in it beyond an amazing friendship just because shes a single attractive woman doesnt mean you should go for it. I see that if she did want more youd be willing to give it a shot but so far she hasnt given you any indication that she does.

Id say leave it and enjoy the friendship, if something changes for either of you you'll notice, right now it soimds like the what ifs are just playing on your mind. And making something romamtic where there is nothing there but friendship.

batmanrobin wrote: »

Honestly, OP, you don't sound hugely interested in her romantically. It seems more convenient than anything else. You just seem a bit wishy washy on the whole thing. Kind of like deciding to eat the last slice of cake, not because you're really hungry but just because it's there and you're kinda bored and sure why not.

She's rebuffed you already. Enjoy your friendship as a friendship and look for a woman you can be in an actual intimate relationship with.

CdeC wrote: »

Hi OP,

My advice is you have 2 choices.

tell her your feelings,
or
Keep the friendship

If you tell her your feelings it will invariably change your relationship and unless she reciprocates it will probably be for the worse.
Take a step back from the friendship. Try and gauge how she feels from your interactions rather than an out and out "I think you're great" chat. Believe me, a bit of subtle flirting will let you know pretty quickly if things are going to fly.

If you get the feeling she is not responding, and trust your gut, then it'll be a lot easier to pick back up the friendship.

daisybelle2008

route9 wrote: »

I think the crux of the issue is that I just don't ever meet anyone I really like who likes me back.

OP seriously you need to get a grip. She has told you she doesn't see you that way. Just because you would like more does not give you the right to keep pushing your romantic intentions on her. Learn to take no for an answer. Your feelings are definitely not 'manageable' they are bordering on obsessive. All that's on the cards now is friendship. If you can't deal with that, I'm not sure what to tell you. You told another colleague you couldn't be around her because of your feelings.

These misguided obsessions are not healthy. And a real friend would not keep trying it on when you told them you weren't interested in them. You don't seem to understand the boundaries for romance/work/friendships....they can and do overlap but only when BOTH people are on the exact same page. A little bit of emotional intelligence is required.

route9

daisybelle2008 wrote: »

OP seriously you need to get a grip. She has told you she doesn't see you that way. Just because you would like more does not give you the right to keep pushing your romantic intentions on her. Learn to take no for an answer. Your feelings are definitely not 'manageable' they are bordering on obsessive. All that's on the cards now is friendship. If you can't deal with that, I'm not sure what to tell you. You told another colleague you couldn't be around her because of your feelings.

These misguided obsessions are not healthy. And a real friend would not keep trying it on when you told them you weren't interested in them. You don't seem to understand the boundaries for romance/work/friendships....they can and do overlap but only when BOTH people are on the exact same page. A little bit of emotional intelligence is required.

Excuse me?! I am going to discount your utterly patronising and off the mark post. 'A little emotional intelligence is required' - are you always that pompous and patronising? I have plenty of emotional intelligence - more than you as a complete stranger could actually know - thanks for checking though.

I suggest you go back and actually read the past few posts I've made. Please especially do let us all know where I have kept 'trying it on' - I'd love to hear?

I went in for a kiss - that is the entire extent of me 'trying it on' and I have not done anything since except be a good friend. She is worried about her job in particular and I have been there, supportive and encouraging for the past year pretty much.

There is no 'obsessiveness' here - stop painting broad brush strokes on something I am querying here with 99% helpful posts. Cheers.

Skibunny77

OP, I'm surprised at the negative response to your suggestion! From my perspective, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you checking in with this girl, to say that something along the lines of 'Look I know we briefly discussed this before and if your feelings haven't changed, I absolutely understand and will respect that but I've started to feel at my end, that there might be something more between us than friendship. If I'm wrong, I won't mention it again and will back off and will be happy to be mates etc, but thought I'd put it out there if you want to think it over.." or something along those lines. These feelings arise between friends, I know lots of relationships where there were initial false starts/slow burning attraction. This girl is unlikely to be offended, or uncomfortable or anything else, if you have a simple honest conversation with her, particularly as you sound like a respectful, decent guy who would respect her viewpoint on it. Be brave, go for it, the conversation will either put things to rest for you and you'll keep her friendship, or you may end up with a date. Best of luck.

batmanrobin

Skibunny77 wrote: »

OP, I'm surprised at the negative response to your suggestion! From my perspective, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you checking in with this girl, to say that something along the lines of 'Look I know we briefly discussed this before and if your feelings haven't changed, I absolutely understand and will respect that but I've started to feel at my end, that there might be something more between us than friendship. If I'm wrong, I won't mention it again and will back off and will be happy to be mates etc, but thought I'd put it out there if you want to think it over.." or something along those lines. These feelings arise between friends, I know lots of relationships where there were initial false starts/slow burning attraction. This girl is unlikely to be offended, or uncomfortable or anything else, if you have a simple honest conversation with her, particularly as you sound like a respectful, decent guy who would respect her viewpoint on it. Be brave, go for it, the conversation will either put things to rest for you and you'll keep her friendship, or you may end up with a date. Best of luck.

I think the reason people are saying to leave well enough alone is due to how blasé the OP describes his "feelings" for her. If a man spoke about me the way he speaks about her, I wouldn't want anything to do with him. I'd feel like a woman of convenience rather than someone he was truly passionate about.

OP, perhaps your friendship with her has limited your dating options. By that I mean you have all the trappings of a relationship (without the intimacy) and it's easy and you know you get on really well.

Why not focus your attentions on someone else? Put yourself out there if it's a girlfriend you want.

Look, my advice would be to go for it if you were really, truly, 100% into this woman the way a man should be when it comes to a woman he wants to be with. But I'm just not getting that from your posts. I think if you had more options or someone else came along, you wouldn't be long forgetting about your friend in terms of romance.

ellie1

I also cannot understand the negativity here either. You have said yourself that she maybe a girl you may not have initially fancied but things changed and now you are having the crack, the banter and spending time with a girl that you respect and whose company you enjoy😄 all good so far! She may have changed her mind too because guess what things change and feelings change and that's ok.

I am seeing this guy that I had seen a good few times over the years and although I thought he was a good looking guy , I was never particularly interested and not was he. Last may, I took a shine to him and in March this year after a couple of years he told me he was trying to chat me up that night when I took a shine to him😠I hadn't a clue!!! Now, totally fancy him and think he is a great person😄

Sometimes we have to take a risk but say something casual like "this might sound a bit silly but sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we went on a date. What do you think, Mary" maybe she will still just want to be mates but maybe not!!! There was a lovely thread on here a few weeks back by a girl whose feelings for her fwb had changed and despite all the responses that he was not interested, turned out he wasðŸ˜႒

ellie1

Look, my advice would be to go for it if you were really, truly, 100% into this woman the way a man should be when it comes to a woman he wants to be with. But I'm just not getting that from your posts. I think if you had more options or someone else came along, you wouldn't be long forgetting about your friend in terms of romance.[/quote]

I got the total opposite impression that he is totally into her.

route9

Skibunny77 wrote: »

OP, I'm surprised at the negative response to your suggestion! From my perspective, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you checking in with this girl, to say that something along the lines of 'Look I know we briefly discussed this before and if your feelings haven't changed, I absolutely understand and will respect that but I've started to feel at my end, that there might be something more between us than friendship. If I'm wrong, I won't mention it again and will back off and will be happy to be mates etc, but thought I'd put it out there if you want to think it over.." or something along those lines. These feelings arise between friends, I know lots of relationships where there were initial false starts/slow burning attraction. This girl is unlikely to be offended, or uncomfortable or anything else, if you have a simple honest conversation with her, particularly as you sound like a respectful, decent guy who would respect her viewpoint on it. Be brave, go for it, the conversation will either put things to rest for you and you'll keep her friendship, or you may end up with a date. Best of luck.

Thank you so much That is such a help. The part about about being happy being mates and so on is something I should have emphasised more, and it is probably what was causing people to think I wasn't that bothered. What I mean is that while I like her, I also respect her and enjoy her company that much that I would totally be happy to be just friends if she says that is all she is ever going to want.

batmanrobin wrote: »

I think the reason people are saying to leave well enough alone is due to how blasé the OP describes his "feelings" for her. If a man spoke about me the way he speaks about her, I wouldn't want anything to do with him. I'd feel like a woman of convenience rather than someone he was truly passionate about.

I kinda do this - I say that I'm not that bothered mainly as a defence mechanism. The fact is - I wouldn't even have posted this thread if I didn't know that I do like this girl. Why would I bother? And I'm realising the more time I spend with her, the more I like her and the more time I want to spend with her.

batmanrobin wrote: »

OP, perhaps your friendship with her has limited your dating options. By that I mean you have all the trappings of a relationship (without the intimacy) and it's easy and you know you get on really well.

Why not focus your attentions on someone else? Put yourself out there if it's a girlfriend you want.

Not sure I get that part. I have just finished with online dating, but before this week I was on tonnes of dates and was definitely out there looking to see who was out there. I was even with someone on Saturday night in town - I kissed a girl I met on the night. I actually told my friend (X!) in work today. She really did seem taken aback actually, and didn't say anything for a few seconds...maybe jealousy?! Ha just kidding but who knows

batmanrobin wrote: »

Look, my advice would be to go for it if you were really, truly, 100% into this woman the way a man should be when it comes to a woman he wants to be with. But I'm just not getting that from your posts. I think if you had more options or someone else came along, you wouldn't be long forgetting about your friend in terms of romance.

I don't think that's true. Maybe if I met someone and I was mad about them...but I don't know. I think that for as long as I am hanging out with her, I'll be thinking like this.

ellie1 wrote: »

I also cannot understand the negativity here either. You have said yourself that she maybe a girl you may not have initially fancied but things changed and now you are having the crack, the banter and spending time with a girl that you respect and whose company you enjoy😄 all good so far! She may have changed her mind too because guess what things change and feelings change and that's ok.

I am seeing this guy that I had seen a good few times over the years and although I thought he was a good looking guy , I was never particularly interested and not was he. Last may, I took a shine to him and in March this year after a couple of years he told me he was trying to chat me up that night when I took a shine to him😠I hadn't a clue!!! Now, totally fancy him and think he is a great person😄

Sometimes we have to take a risk but say something casual like "this might sound a bit silly but sometimes I wonder what it would be like if we went on a date. What do you think, Mary" maybe she will still just want to be mates but maybe not!!! There was a lovely thread on here a few weeks back by a girl whose feelings for her fwb had changed and despite all the responses that he was not interested, turned out he wasðŸ˜႒

Very interesting! And yes, people's feelings do change. Maybe X is seeing me a bit differently now, after we've spent so much time together lately. Could be way off but guess there's only one sure way to know and I love the way you are proposing I sound it out. It's much better-sounding than what I was thinking of myself!

ellie1 wrote: »

I got the total opposite impression that he is totally into her.

Bingo - and I suppose I'm only admitting this part myself now.

batmanrobin

To be fair, OP, the replies you get on these threads are based on what you write and how you write it and you were coming across as very "meh" about this woman. It almost sounded like you were trying to convince yourself that you did have feelings.

If you decide to say something to her and she responds positively then happy days! However, be prepared for her to still not be interested and you coming on to her may sour the friendship. I've been the friend who wasn't interested and I had to end the friendship as I couldn't continue knowing someone wanted more with me. It wouldn't have been right.

Best of luck with whatever you decide. I hope it has a happy ending for you.

route9

batmanrobin wrote: »

To be fair, OP, the replies you get on these threads are based on what you write and how you write it and you were coming across as very "meh" about this woman. It almost sounded like you were trying to convince yourself that you did have feelings.

If you decide to say something to her and she responds positively then happy days! However, be prepared for her to still not be interested and you coming on to her may sour the friendship. I've been the friend who wasn't interested and I had to end the friendship as I couldn't continue knowing someone wanted more with me. It wouldn't have been right.

Best of luck with whatever you decide. I hope it has a happy ending for you.

Thanks. No that's totally fair enough and I agree with you. However, isn't it possible to both like someone (as in fancy them), and also be happy if all it ever was was friendship? That's the way I feel about this girl. Maybe it is quite an unusual situation or scenario, and maybe most people would be 'all or nothing', but that's how I feel anyway.

I would hope that saying something wouldn't sour things at all, like I said we are very open with each other and she is very much a straight-shooter, and so (as Ellie said), if I said something casual and simple, then it should be fine. Of course you never know, but I suppose it all depends on the dynamics of the friendship. For some people it would spoil things, and for others it could be fine, or even enhance things if the person appreciates the honesty and that it isn't exactly easy to be open and upfront about these things.

route9

route9 wrote: »

Of course you never know

But you do know. She's already told you how she feels. Does that not matter for anything?

route9

bluewolf wrote: »

But you do know. She's already told you how she feels. Does that not matter for anything?

Of course it does and I've mentioned that I wouldn't want to sour things between us. But like Ellie said, things can change? And how would I know if they had?

Do you not think that if I asked her in the way mentioned above, that that wouldn't be ok?

It's a tricky one, I just don't know. Part of me says be brave, talk to her and put it to rest, and another part of me says to just enjoy the friendship and leave things be.

Big Bag of Chips

OP, just a word of advice if you are going to ask her out. Be a bit more convincing of your feelings for her than you have been here. Please don't ask her out by saying "Hey, you know the way John said we'd make a cute couple? Do you want to try it? I mean, I'm not too bothered. I don't have feelings for you, or have a crush on you or anything, but I just thought sure seeing as he said it, why not try it. But I'm not that bothered. Like if you don't want to, I don't really want to either, it's just that, you know, we're both mid thirties, single, get on well, so you know, why not? But don't worry if you don't want to. It's grand, 'cos I don't think I have feelings for you, anyway".

Ask her out. Tell her how you actually feel about her, and come what may......

StanleyOllie

My advice is leave it as it is for now. Enjoy fancying her. Enjoy the banter. Enjoy the company. Having a relationship with someone you work with so closely may prove awkward. After all the initial excitement real life kicks in. If you had a little argument it will be noticed by other co worker. It can make everyone feel awkward. If you broke up... how would it be then.
I know she may not like you in that way anyway. My advice is leave it. If your working relationship changes and you miss seeing each other maybe go for it then.

Dial Hard

route9 wrote: »

Of course it does and I've mentioned that I wouldn't want to sour things between us. But like Ellie said, things can change? And how would I know if they had?

Because if things had changed, chances are she would have let you know, seeing as you already asked her out.

leggo

I call people like this 'intimacy buddies': like **** buddies except emotionally. And there's no harm in it. That friend of the opposite sex you have who you'd both use to fill the emotional gap you'd have with a partner, things may get flirty at times, it's grand to have someone to text etc, then you back off when a real partner comes along. As long as everyone involved knows the story for what it is and nobody gets hurt, there's no harm. And sure feelings can get mixed up at times, but try see it for what it is with the half-hearted "I have 50% feelings for her" comments. Hardly the stuff of great romances is it?

route9

StanleyOllie wrote: »

My advice is leave it as it is for now. Enjoy fancying her. Enjoy the banter. Enjoy the company. Having a relationship with someone you work with so closely may prove awkward. After all the initial excitement real life kicks in. If you had a little argument it will be noticed by other co worker. It can make everyone feel awkward. If you broke up... how would it be then.
I know she may not like you in that way anyway. My advice is leave it. If your working relationship changes and you miss seeing each other maybe go for it then.

I think this is probably what I will do. I do just feel that if I were to say anything, she would probably just say the whole 'aw I like you as a friend' thing, and realistically that would achieve nothing except maybe make things a little bit awkward, or make her feel like she can't be as close with me as she has been. Which would be a shame really. I suppose my thinking is that if I am really open with her and do tell her that I like her, that it might result in her seeing a bit differently, which might lead to something....but that just might be really unlikely!

I also thought that too - that it could be a good idea to just wait a while, and maybe if she leaves the company I could say something then. I am also taking on board the comments around whether I like her 'enough' - maybe it is a case that I am just enjoying her company should focus my attentions elsewhere, and just enjoy the friendship. That said, I do think about her in the evenings here and there, and at other times. So I don't know really. Maybe I should just be guided by the fact that she has never expressed interest in anything other than being friends, and if anything was to develop then she would probably give some hints.

I think I will give it a couple of weeks, and see how I feel then.

route9

leggo wrote: »

I call people like this 'intimacy buddies': like **** buddies except emotionally. And there's no harm in it. That friend of the opposite sex you have who you'd both use to fill the emotional gap you'd have with a partner, things may get flirty at times, it's grand to have someone to text etc, then you back off when a real partner comes along. As long as everyone involved knows the story for what it is and nobody gets hurt, there's no harm. And sure feelings can get mixed up at times, but try see it for what it is with the half-hearted "I have 50% feelings for her" comments. Hardly the stuff of great romances is it?

Yes good points! Hadn't really thought about it like that before - that we are possibly surrogate partners or something! I don't think it is quite like that though as I know she has lots of friends and plenty of male friends too. But I know what you mean - especially as she has suggested going on holidays together in the past, going out to MeetUps, asking me out for a few drinks, etc...

K_P

route9 wrote: »

For some people it would spoil things, and for others it could be fine, or even enhance things if the person appreciates the honesty and that it isn't exactly easy to be open and upfront about these things.

Whatever you do OP, please be realistic. What will happen is it will ruin a good friendship, or it will be the start of a relationship. There will be no middle ground of being even better platonic friends than before. Saying stuff like this changes relationships, changes everything, so don't fool yourself into thinking it'll all be fine just because you want it to all be fine.

route9 wrote: »

I would hope that saying something wouldn't sour things at all, like I said we are very open with each other and she is very much a straight-shooter

If she's that much of a straight shooter, if she had romantic feelings for you, she'd come straight out and tell you. You wouldn't be driven demented trying to read into her silences after you tell her you kissed a girl at the weekend ("jealousy, haha, no not really, but maybe, haha").

I kind of hate the phrase, but so many friends of mine have a "work wife" or "work husband" - a person of (usually) the opposite sex who is their best work buddy. That's what this sounds like through and through. You confide in each other about work stuff, spend lots of time together there, take breaks and lunches together, support each other. But nothing really outside of work and the relationship begins and ends at the door of your office. My advice is say nothing and maybe take some time to figure out what you really want. You sound understandably frustrated after years of online dating didn't work out. Don't make a hasty decision based on some potentially half hearted feelings about someone who's simply convenient.

route9

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

OP, just a word of advice if you are going to ask her out. Be a bit more convincing of your feelings for her than you have been here. Please don't ask her out by saying "Hey, you know the way John said we'd make a cute couple? Do you want to try it? I mean, I'm not too bothered. I don't have feelings for you, or have a crush on you or anything, but I just thought sure seeing as he said it, why not try it. But I'm not that bothered. Like if you don't want to, I don't really want to either, it's just that, you know, we're both mid thirties, single, get on well, so you know, why not? But don't worry if you don't want to. It's grand, 'cos I don't think I have feelings for you, anyway".

Ask her out. Tell her how you actually feel about her, and come what may......

Probably the best advice so far (and people have given some great advice). The thing is, I am confident and in other circumstances I would not hesitate with someone I liked. I guess it's just with being friends and working together, it's different.

route9

K_P wrote: »

Whatever you do OP, please be realistic. What will happen is it will ruin a good friendship, or it will be the start of a relationship. There will be no middle ground of being even better platonic friends than before. Saying stuff like this changes relationships, changes everything, so don't fool yourself into thinking it'll all be fine just because you want it to all be fine.

If she's that much of a straight shooter, if she had romantic feelings for you, she'd come straight out and tell you. You wouldn't be driven demented trying to read into her silences after you tell her you kissed a girl at the weekend ("jealousy, haha, no not really, but maybe, haha").

Well it's funny, we do actually talk about not meeting anyone and relationships, being single, all the time. We have a lot in common in that we just never seem to meet anyone and we've talked about the need to get involved in new things, and to expand the range of people we meet, etc (it's something I am going to do, btw).

I know what you're saying but I do think it all comes down to what I would say and how I would say it. She may even have an inkling that I fancy her anyway, since remember I did make a move before, even if I did brush it off afterwards. So saying something that says loud and clear that 'I like you, and I'd love to ask you out', in whatever way I do it, would probably not be a massive shock to her.

Plus if she can see that I am ok with being just friends, I feel it may not have too much of an impact.

K_P wrote: »

I kind of hate the phrase, but so many friends of mine have a "work wife" or "work husband" - a person of (usually) the opposite sex who is their best work buddy. That's what this sounds like through and through. You confide in each other about work stuff, spend lots of time together there, take breaks and lunches together, support each other. But nothing really outside of work and the relationship begins and ends at the door of your office. My advice is say nothing and maybe take some time to figure out what you really want. You sound understandably frustrated after years of online dating didn't work out. Don't make a hasty decision based on some potentially half hearted feelings about someone who's simply convenient.

I'm sure there are loads and loads of people up and down the country who have that kind of relationship - once you leave the building you are with your family and 'real' friends. It's not like that with us though - she said she would have invited me to her birthday party recently only I was out of the country, she would call me up randomly of an evening, and has mentioned going for drinks and doing other stuff outside work.

Not that I'm reading anything into all that, but just to say that it's more than just a 'best work buddies' thing.

IvoryTower

Good oul friendzone, not an easy place to get out of!

route9

IvoryTower wrote: »

Good oul friendzone, not an easy place to get out of!

Ha, especially when you didn't really fancy the person from the beginning, then became friends...then started to fancy them. So that's a tricky one!

She was asking me yesterday about two girls in the department, and whether I would fancy either of them (one of them is also single). I was saying I didn't, but if the topic comes up again (and it will as we talk about this stuff all the time) I'd be tempted to say 'well there's only a couple of girls in the department I fancy'. Then if she asks who as I know she will, I could say something like 'well, I'd totally take you on a date', keep it light and breezy, and see what her reaction is. If it's all smiles and 'would you??!', then I could expand on that with her (!), but if she looks away or something and tries to change the subject, then there's my answer!!

K_P

route9 wrote: »

I'm sure there are loads and loads of people up and down the country who have that kind of relationship - once you leave the building you are with your family and 'real' friends. It's not like that with us though - she said she would have invited me to her birthday party recently only I was out of the country, she would call me up randomly of an evening, and has mentioned going for drinks and doing other stuff outside work.

She would have invited you to her birthday. She's mentioned going for drinks. But none of these things ever happened. To be honest, even if they did I'm not sure that would be that big of a deal anyway. The main point is you're not part of each other's lives beyond work.

route9 wrote: »

She may even have an inkling that I fancy her anyway, since remember I did make a move before, even if I did brush it off afterwards. So saying something that says loud and clear that 'I like you, and I'd love to ask you out', in whatever way I do it, would probably not be a massive shock to her.

I'm sorry OP, but there you have it, you've broached it before so she knows she could talk about it if she felt the same way. And she's not a shy retiring shrinking violet who would never speak up herself. Honestly, I think you've raised it once and just about managed to get away with it. Raise it again and you're in very risky territory for the future of your friendship. It WILL change things. Please know that. It will. You might think you can be all easy breezy and go back to being friends but she'll always be aware that you fancy her and feeling weird and strange about it and possibly a bit sad and guilty if the feeling isn't mutual.

You sound pretty determined to raise this with her all the same. You sound like a nice guy so I'm going to hope I'm wrong with all of the above and wish you luck if you do go ahead with it.

route9

K_P wrote: »

She would have invited you to her birthday. She's mentioned going for drinks. But none of these things ever happened. To be honest, even if they did I'm not sure that would be that big of a deal anyway. The main point is you're not part of each other's lives beyond work.

It's not that big of a deal anyway, as she does have other male friends she would hang out with - go for food with, travel with, head out with. However the above isn't actually the case.

On the drinks thing, one afternoon at work a few weeks back (after we got back from travelling together), she asked if I wanted to go for drinks after work (it was early in the week). I actually said 'ah nah' as I am not one for drinking during the week and wanted to go running instead or just chill at home.

And on the birthday front, that's not true either - she said when we were away travelling 'it's a pity you'll be over here, you could have come down to the party and brought a friend or something'. However I was on holidays in the country we travelled too, and I was only going to get back a week later.

So we will hang out outside of work, and probably for the first time next weekend as it's a mutual friend's birthday get-together in town and I will be seeing her there for a few drinks.

Not that it makes much difference, but just wanted to clarify

K_P wrote: »

I'm sorry OP, but there you have it, you've broached it before so she knows she could talk about it if she felt the same way. And she's not a shy retiring shrinking violet who would never speak up herself. Honestly, I think you've raised it once and just about managed to get away with it. Raise it again and you're in very risky territory for the future of your friendship. It WILL change things. Please know that. It will. You might think you can be all easy breezy and go back to being friends but she'll always be aware that you fancy her and feeling weird and strange about it and possibly a bit sad and guilty if the feeling isn't mutual.

Ok you are probably right. The fact that I think it would be all ok and fine and dandy doesn't make it so, necessarily. I suppose in my mind if I am mentioning it in a reallllly casual, flirty way instead of an outright 'I have something I wanted to talk to you about' way means it can just be brushed over lightly if the reaction isn't there...but at the end of the day I can't know if that will actually be the case.

I suppose also the reason we are great friends and hanging out so much is because she feels secure that I don't think of her that way (and I did say that to her last time, after the night out incident!). If she did pick up that I liked her now, then that wouldn't necessarily continue. So I know what you mean, even if part of me thinks that I could still float it really casually, as other posters have agreed too.

K_P wrote: »

You sound pretty determined to raise this with her all the same. You sound like a nice guy so I'm going to hope I'm wrong with all of the above and wish you luck if you do go ahead with it.

Thanks. I am not going to be hasty though, don't worry As someone else said earlier, if there was someone if my life I really liked and who fancied me back, and we had something going on, then maybe I wouldn't even be thinking about this to begin with.

I suppose it just gets me thinking 'what if' when we hang out so much, when she sits a couple of seats up from me and I often see her looking down towards me, etc. But I shouldn't read anything into these things.

daisybelle2008

route9 wrote: »

I'd be tempted to say 'well there's only a couple of girls in the department I fancy'.

Why would you say that? It's not very flattering to hear, like you are hedging your bets. I'll be honest I find it very difficult to understand your thinking. You seem to be so nervous of rejection, that you are trying to tell her you want to go out with her but pretend to her you are not that bothered if she does or not.