Co-Worker calling me "pet" !!!

LegacyUser

I am in my mid-thirties.
This one is 40 and is always calling me this.
She knows it annoys me too.I have made it known.
She doesn't call anyone else it.

I am the quietest in the office and know this has been discussed

Fully aware of the "looks" for two years now.

I can live with that but annoys me being called pet.
Just do nothing or call her pet back?

Diziet

How have you made it known? Have you asked her outright to stop calling you 'pet'? As in - 'please stop calling me pet, it is not appropriate and I don't like it'? If not, then you should do so, politely and firmly.

Not sure what you mean about the 'looks'.

beauf

Ask HR to have a word with them.

Shield

Quite a while ago, I remember hearing of a similar situation.

The person on the receiving end of the equivalent of "pet" (in your circumstances) simply said "Why do you constantly refer to me as "pet"? You DO know I'm in my mid-30s... right?".

It wasn't a confrontation. It was more of an exploration of why the person using the word felt it was appropriate to use the word at all. It ended with an apology, forgiveness, and a little learning on both sides.

callaway92

It's possible to look at it two ways:

1) The woman is being condescending/arrogant and thinks you are below her and therefore has the power to call you 'pet'.

2) She is a sweetheart/you are a sweetheart and she means no malice by saying it at all.

I'm a mid-20s male and have older women call me it sometimes in my place. I don't mind it but I think it would stick out like a sore thumb if someone was being condescending saying it to me.

From the sounds of it since you said you are the quietest person in the office, she genuinely does think you are a soft or kind person, therefore calling you pet is just being nice to you I think.

LegacyUser

She is not a sweetheart.She doesn't call it to anyone else.
She definitely thinks I am below her.
She is higher than me although started after me in the work place but does boss me around.Would never dream of doing that to the others.
I don't mind that too much either but it's the pet use and her condescending manner.


I haven't asked her but I have ignored her and walked off when she has said it to me.She knows it irritates me.

Mrs OBumble

First world problem.

ibarelycare

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

First world problem.

Do you have to be so unnecessarily rude? It might not seem like an issue to you but it's obviously bothering the OP, otherwise they wouldn't have posted about it.



OP I think you need to take the advice of the others here and the next time she says it to her, challenge her (in a polite way) on it. Preferably in the presence of other people.

me_irl

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

First world problem.

Is that so pet?

I'd go with what Shield mentioned above.

Be jovial without being confrontational. It might make her think twice about saying it again, or any "looks".

Riesen_Meal

If she calls you pet again, tell her you will make up a name for her - as it makes you uncomfortable...

And from here on in, she shall be known as "Flower" or "Petal" or something equally condescending ...

(My old Irish teacher used to call me that!)

HelgaWard

Kayy wrote: »

I haven't asked her but I have ignored her and walked off when she has said it to me.She knows it irritates me.

This is not an effective way to get her to stop. You need to clearly say "Can you not call me pet, it's condescending and unnecessary" You need to be clear and direct.

me_irl

HelgaWard wrote: »

This is not an effective way to get her to stop. You need to clearly say "Can you not call me pet, it's condescending and unnecessary" You need to be clear and direct.

I honestly don't think this is the route to take.

I'd reply with something like "thanks hon / love / etc". And keep doing that until she gets the gist.

HelgaWard

me_irl wrote: »

I honestly don't think this is the route to take.

I'd reply with something like "thanks hon / love / etc". And keep doing that until she gets the gist.

Each to your own, but I think it's a very passive aggressive ambiguous approach. I personally think it's more effective to be clear and to the point.

ibarelycare

me_irl wrote: »

I honestly don't think this is the route to take.

I'd reply with something like "thanks hon / love / etc". And keep doing that until she gets the gist.

I completely disagree. Why be passive aggressive, when you can be an adult and say it directly?

Electric Sex Pants

Or you could just toughen up a bit? there are far worse things you could be called, and the more you show it bothers you the more fun it is for people like that. Why does it bother you so much??

me_irl

ibarelycare wrote: »

I completely disagree. Why be passive aggressive, when you can be an adult and say it directly?

True!

Personal preference really. I think my "fire with fire" approach could worsen the situation.

I'm just wary for the OP for saying something that might exacerbate this.

I think the main thing is to confront and break this pattern. The method is completely up to the OP.

Emme

Kayy wrote: »

I am in my mid-thirties.
This one is 40 and is always calling me this.
She knows it annoys me too.I have made it known.
She doesn't call anyone else it.

I am the quietest in the office and know this has been discussed

Fully aware of the "looks" for two years now.

I can live with that but annoys me being called pet.
Just do nothing or call her pet back?

You could go to HR but that would be really pet-ty (sorry) and it would probably backfire on you and create a bad atmosphere. You mention that you're quiet. Maybe this woman enjoys your reaction. There is a thin line between harmless slagging and bullying and this woman probably thinks she's only slagging you even though you told her it annoys you.

My advice - call her something like "Flower" every time she calls you "Pet". This is only an option if you're not working in the public eye in which case I would ignore her calling you "Pet".

jopax

Could you just call her pet too. The next time she says can you do "xyz pet", you could say " yes pet".
Keep it light and simple to see how she reacts.
I do think she sounds like if its not one thing, its going to be another with her.
Even when she is getting to you try not to show it as she obviously is doing it for a reason.
Also maybe keep a written log from now on just to see how things develop, I hope she just gets bored.

JoeyJJ

Call her into a room and have a quiet word, saying you don't appreciate been called pet. If it doesn't stop go to HR. Simples, don't do anything else.

Dyr

Kayy wrote: »

She is not a sweetheart.She doesn't call it to anyone else.
She definitely thinks I am below her.
She is higher than me although started after me in the work place but does boss me around.Would never dream of doing that to the others.
I don't mind that too much either but it's the pet use and her condescending manner.


I haven't asked her but I have ignored her and walked off when she has said it to me.She knows it irritates me.

Whoah there chief

Is your problem that she calls you pet or is your problem actually all of the above?

It seems you have not actually raised the problem informally with the person to allow them to resolve it. That's the first step in any workplace for raising a grievance

You just walked away, which is classic passive agressive behaviour and could land you with a disciplinary problem (ignoring a legitimate instruction is the usual term)

basically cop on required.

Mrs OBumble

ibarelycare wrote: »

It might not seem like an issue to you but it's obviously bothering the OP, otherwise they wouldn't have posted about it.

Every day, people post here with real issues. Unfair dismissal, change of conditions, being made redundant, wages not paid, can't make a decent living in the chosen career - the list goes on. Real hard, difficult problems.

This is a 30-something saying "someone calls me pet". Not a clueless kid fresh out of school, who might need advice about how to handle something like this in the workplace, but a 30-something.

I cannot begin to say how much it disgusts me that someone is wasting keystrokes over such trivia. Saying "First world problems" is a polite response compared to what I would like to say.

sbsquarepants

Some people just tend to address people with terms like that - it doesn't mean anything. Sounds to me like your being a bit precious to be honest.

My missus is always slagging me for calling every woman I meet love or sweetheart or some other such. It's not an insult, it's not even a term of endearment - it's just a bloody speech habit!

PlainP

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

I cannot begin to say how much it disgusts me that someone is wasting keystrokes over such trivia. Saying "First world problems" is a polite response compared to what I would like to say.

You obviously spend too much time on the internet so.

JaMarcusHustle

Happened me in college once when I was carrying more weight than I wanted. One guy on a project team often addressed me as "big man" until I answered him back one day in front of the group.

"How's it going big man?"
"Not too bad bald man."

He never said it again. Maybe harsh, but not everyone likes pet names. Using them with colleagues you're not particularly close with it is dumb.

Atlantic Dawn

Start calling her "oul her first name" each and every time she calls you pet, eg she says to you "thanks pet", you response "no problem, oul Lucy*".

*where her first name is Lucy

That or morto her by saying that your pet dog was assasinated last week and you would appreciate her not using the term as it causes upset.

anewme

JaMarcusHustle wrote: »

"How's it going big man?"
"Not too bad bald man."

This made me laugh.
Its like something from a sitcom.
Could just imagine everyone else just looking at the ground and an awkward silence ensuing.
I can bet that was the end of it allright!

ibarelycare

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

Every day, people post here with real issues. Unfair dismissal, change of conditions, being made redundant, wages not paid, can't make a decent living in the chosen career - the list goes on. Real hard, difficult problems.

This is a 30-something saying "someone calls me pet". Not a clueless kid fresh out of school, who might need advice about how to handle something like this in the workplace, but a 30-something.

I cannot begin to say how much it disgusts me that someone is wasting keystrokes over such trivia. Saying "First world problems" is a polite response compared to what I would like to say.

Who are you to say what is and what isn't a valid problem for people? Is it set out in the charter that people can only post problems that Mrs OBumble considers "real"?

Even when people do post "real" problems you are regularly rude and abrasive. Reading your posts in here would put me (and I'm sure others) off posting questions or concerns.

You need to get a life if something like this "disgusts" you. If the thread doesn't interest you, ignore it and leave it to people who have actual helpful advice to give.

sunny2004

beauf wrote: »

Ask HR to have a word with them.

are you kidding me ? lol why not go the whole way and get the GARDA involved.

Its this type of advice that has our society the way it is..

The OP is an adult, get over it, or confront the person in question, or ignore her.. whatever works.. Its not the end of the world.. You have little to worry about if this is what you post as a WORK PROBLEM..

Personally I would be creative and come up with a pet name for her

SAMTALK

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

Every day, people post here with real issues. Unfair dismissal, change of conditions, being made redundant, wages not paid, can't make a decent living in the chosen career - the list goes on. Real hard, difficult problems.

This is a 30-something saying "someone calls me pet". Not a clueless kid fresh out of school, who might need advice about how to handle something like this in the workplace, but a 30-something.

I cannot begin to say how much it disgusts me that someone is wasting keystrokes over such trivia. Saying "First world problems" is a polite response compared to what I would like to say.

At no point did OP say this was a third world problem for them so there is really no need to be rude.

If the post is not to your taste than maybe just exit the thread without having to resort to rudeness

livedadream

Kayy wrote: »

She is not a sweetheart.She doesn't call it to anyone else.

she called you pet, annoying to you, fair enough, others have given you great advise on how to approach it, (personally id go with Emme's or me_irl but im a bit like that not everyone wants to create tension or put themselves out there and it sounds like you both have a clash of personalities)

ignore the people here saying stupid stuff just coz everyone in their office loves them and theyve never had an difficulty in life and its all sunshine and rainbows and unicorns ****ting glitter. it doesnt make your problem any less, you asked for help not to be wound up. but bumble bee's are like that they buzz and buzz and annoy everyone until someone finally smushs them with a newspaper.

Kayy wrote: »

She definitely thinks I am below her.

technically you are? you say shes senior /higher than you so in her eyes you are under her in the reporting structure (a bit of power makes some people go a little cockoo). it doesnt make it right but just be wide of what youre saying and walking away from her etc, could cause you more trouble in the long term.

Kayy wrote: »

She is higher than me although started after me in the work place but does boss me around.Would never dream of doing that to the others.

when she started doesnt matter if shes more senior than you, if its her job to boss you around ie give instruction then you kinda have to do them, thats your job to be fair. if she has a poor tone or manner speak to her and say im more productive when you ask me like this or i think we get on better when we speak to each other like this... if you dont want to speak to a manager or HR and get them to have a quiet word.

its one of those things, while we might not treat people that way, that is her way,and that doesnt make it right but it does mean you have to put up with it sometimes.

:-)

Tasden

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

Every day, people post here with real issues. Unfair dismissal, change of conditions, being made redundant, wages not paid, can't make a decent living in the chosen career - the list goes on. Real hard, difficult problems.

This is a 30-something saying "someone calls me pet". Not a clueless kid fresh out of school, who might need advice about how to handle something like this in the workplace, but a 30-something.

I cannot begin to say how much it disgusts me that someone is wasting keystrokes over such trivia. Saying "First world problems" is a polite response compared to what I would like to say.

As someone who is regularly patronised and in turn disrespected on account of being young for the role I am in generally, and looking even younger, i can tell you it is a very real problem to feel talked down to and patronised by colleagues. I get the impression it is not the being called pet that is so much the issue,it's the condescending nature of this and the looks etc.

I had a really difficult time with people making assumptions when i first started and people made it known thay they did not think I was qualified for the position based on my age- in fairness i look like I'm just out of secondary school despite having gone on to study and work in the field for over 5 years after I left school! I personally chose to just let my work speak for itself and not address it directly, and this worked, those I work closely with now show me the respect I deserve, but I can tell you it was a very real problem at the time and it can eat away at you when you're actually in the situation and the last thing op needs is for you to patronise her further.

wokingvoter

me_irl wrote: »

I honestly don't think this is the route to take.

I'd reply with something like "thanks hon / love / etc". And keep doing that until she gets the gist.

Id be more inclined to just very politely interrupt very quickly as soon as the word "pet" is out of her mouth and say (I don't know your name) "Caroline. My name is Caroline. Thanks" quite loudly and firmly but smiling. Turn back to your work with no further engagement. Do it as many times as you have to until it stops.

Alanstrainor

OP says that this has been going on for 2 years or so. IMO this does make it more difficult to deal with at this stage. Someone suggested a quiet word with this person, and I'd think that's the best way. All of these passive aggressive suggestions would just come across as out of line, and strange given the time frame here. I wouldn't be against asking HR for help, but I do think that's a tad heavy handed.

These things are always best nipped in the bud early on, letting them drag on makes it harder to stop.

Akrasia

If it was me, I would just say 'Sorry, My name isn't Pet, it's [insert name here]'
and then continue on as normal with whatever she called you over for.

If she continues to call you 'pet' then you can consider that this is a form of bullying and I might even consider a complaint to HR

In a professional environment, you should be addressed by your name unless you're on very good terms with a particular colleague

I would consider this very differently if it was a something that she called everyone just as a term of endearment or a force of habit, but in this case, it's a word she reserves for the OP and he has every right to request that he is called by his proper name.

Dyr

Alanstrainor wrote: »

OP says that this has been going on for 2 years or so. IMO this does make it more difficult to deal with at this stage. Someone suggested a quiet word with this person, and I'd think that's the best way.

It's usually the required way...the other party needs to be informed and given the chance to rectify the problem or disagree with the complaint so you both can refer it to whatever process is required to resolve the issue.

SAMTALK

sunny2004 wrote: »

are you kidding me ? lol why not go the whole way and get the GARDA involved.

Its this type of advice that has our society the way it is..

The OP is an adult, get over it, or confront the person in question, or ignore her.. whatever works.. Its not the end of the world.. You have little to worry about if this is what you post as a WORK PROBLEM..

Personally I would be creative and come up with a pet name for her

Unfair on OP.
They never said it was the end of the world for them. Just something that they dont like in work and are entitled to post question on it.

Tasden

SAMTALK wrote: »

Unfair on OP.
They never said it was the end of the world for them. Just something that they dont like in work and are entitled to post question on it.

Yep, I'd hate to see posters on here witness me experiencing minor inconveniences! Just because people discuss their issues or voice their annoyance at certain things, or seek suggestions on how to deal with them, it does not mean they have lost all perspective, or they dont appreaciate that their problems may not be as "significant" as others. And nobody's concerns should be trivialised regardless.
Sure when my child was sick and my whole world was falling apart I still complained about the food in the hospital canteen! :pac:

SAMTALK

And to be fair if something is annoying you (big or small) and its happening everyday well it has to get to you at some stage.

Some people use the name "pet" for everyone they're talking to but its strange that its only OP its being used on in work.

Ron_Swanson

Maybe a passive aggressive way to respond but I would just say...Do you fancy me? As Pet, to you, comes across as a very intimate term and makes you feel uncomfortable...surely they would stop then?

philstar

does he/she come from the north of england??

its a common term of endearment there

Cork Lass

Mrs OBumble wrote: »

Every day, people post here with real issues. Unfair dismissal, change of conditions, being made redundant, wages not paid, can't make a decent living in the chosen career - the list goes on. Real hard, difficult problems.

This is a 30-something saying "someone calls me pet". Not a clueless kid fresh out of school, who might need advice about how to handle something like this in the workplace, but a 30-something.

I cannot begin to say how much it disgusts me that someone is wasting keystrokes over such trivia. Saying "First world problems" is a polite response compared to what I would like to say.

Didn't know you knew how to spell polite never mind to actually be polite.

LegacyUser

Thanks everyone for the constructive comments. I have taken them all on board.

Thanks again.:)

manonboard

Kayy wrote: »

She is not a sweetheart.She doesn't call it to anyone else.
She definitely thinks I am below her.
She is higher than me although started after me in the work place but does boss me around.Would never dream of doing that to the others.
I don't mind that too much either but it's the pet use and her condescending manner.


I haven't asked her but I have ignored her and walked off when she has said it to me.She knows it irritates me.

This boils down to you've allowed her to irritate you and you demonstrate you will continue to take it without any repercussion.

You work in an industry now. Its completely acceptable and self respecting to say "I don't like being called pet, I prefer Paul/Pauline".

If she's an ass, you'll still hear her implication in whatever your name is, but it will at least go about removing any of the bullying dynamic somewhat.
In environments like this, it nearly always only continues if there are no repercussions. It's just a fact of life, people will respect you if you show them you don't tolerate anything less.

sunny2004

SAMTALK wrote: »

Unfair on OP.
They never said it was the end of the world for them. Just something that they dont like in work and are entitled to post question on it.

you cant beat taking a single line out of a statement lol
Don't you love the internet for taking things out of context..

My post wasn't even for the OP, as I had clearly quoted someone else ENTIRE message..

and of course they are entitled to post the question, as I am entitled to comment

To put it back in its context, as I appreciate it can be confusing for some to follow a basic thread,,

Someone posted

GO to HR.... my reply after quoting them is as above...

If you need further assistance in keeping up with any of the posts let me know

SAMTALK

sunny2004 wrote: »

you cant beat taking a single line out of a statement lol
Don't you love the internet for taking things out of context..

My post wasn't even for the OP, as I had clearly quoted someone else ENTIRE message..

and of course they are entitled to post the question, as I am entitled to comment

To put it back in its context, as I appreciate it can be confusing for some to follow a basic thread,,

Someone posted

GO to HR.... my reply after quoting them is as above...

If you need further assistance in keeping up with any of the posts let me know

And then resort to this

livedadream

we might leave the bickering aside lads...

i know im just as guilty sometimes but i think its scared the OP off...

any update OP?

sunny2004

SAMTALK wrote: »

[/B]

And then resort to this

At least it wasn't out of context

You cant claim the OP has the right to post a question and then by implication complain about 2 of my posts, both of which where not in reply to the OP..

Enjoy the sun...

kidneyfan

There is alot of bad advice here.
Don't say 'My name is Caroline' and don't ask if she fancies you.

Ask her not to call you pet, do it politely and non confrontationally. Do not explain why you do not like being called pet (do not even admit that you do not like it). If asked why you prefer not to be called pet answer that it is because you are at work and endearments are not really appropriate.

Water John

Yes, as some one pointed out, give it one chance to be corrected by stopping the conversation, once the term has been used and saying 'my name is Anne and I would prefer to be called that'.
If that doesn't work, its a HR issue.

BTW Tasden, you are not Simon Harris in disguise?
Some in the media have commented on him being taken seriously in a major Ministry as Health.

cbreeze

As a mature woman in a workplace I got increasingly irritated by males (senior and junior to me and also randomers calling by) saying to me and my colleagues of a similar age, 'thanks/hello/goodbye GIRLS'. One day I could not stand it anymore, so here's how it went:

He (young male, delivering a parcel): 'Thanks girls'
Me (standing up): Excuse me, what did you just say?
He: Errm, erm
Me: You will not come in here and call women staff in this office, 'Girls'. Do I make myself clear?
He (reddening): Erm, sorry
[Exit]
The End.
Yay!!

super_furry

Start calling her puddin'.