am i being unreasonable :-o

simone79

Hi all just wondering how many married couples would be happy if they went toba club with single mates staying overnight in their friend my partner works 5 days goes sees mates every Friday or sat all day and comes home at midnight and staying over at times also I don't know these guys anyhow he said he going clubbing Saturday night with these guys but I'm not happy about this am I wrong? He doesn't go clubs much but does go see friends allday Saturday up till midnight I think tats fair?

simone79

Oh and plans to stay over night there also

Mr. Incognito

Do you trust your wife?

How old are you

Merkin

What do you mean by saying you don't know these guys? Has he suddenly just developed a whole new set of 'friends'?

Ursus Horribilis

No, you're not being unreasonable but I get the impression that there is a LOT more going on here than just your husband going out to a nightclub. It is odd that he doesn't want to spend his spare time with you. It's a little difficult to decipher your original post but it seems to suggest he's spending an awful lot of his weekends away from you and isn't coming home. Are you sure it's friends he's seeing? Is there a chance he has met someone else?

simone79

I'm 37 him 33 he works Monday -Friday so I see him for 2 hours every evening before he sleeps then Saturday he leaves to see friends at 1pm comes home at midnight every Saturday lately he is going to see then after work Fridays staying in their house that night and comes home next day at midnight he says he needs see friends and works hard all week and I should be happy will all say sunday he has with me and

simone79

I mean I've never met any of his friends I don't even know their names

sbsquarepants

Why don't you go with him sometime?
You don't have to live in each others pockets but if he actively wants to keep you away from his friends - then there is something wrong plain and simple. If that is the case, I'd be out of there if I was you.

FortySeven

You are not being unreasonable .Sounds like he is taking the piss frankly.

simone79

If inwent id be the only girl he said i feel he needs space away from me he says the two hours a nite before bed watching tv is spending time with me but its the going every Saturday and I I ask him Sta home with me he accused me of trying to control his life so I spend Saturdays alone till midnight every week

Ursus Horribilis

There is something very odd about this. I replied to another thread of yours recently regarding finances in a household. I could be barking up the wrong tree but he seems to be treating you/his home as little more than a boarding house. What's your relationship like in general? Does he act like he loves you?

Ursus Horribilis

Here's a question for you. What do YOU think is going on here? Do you think your husband loves you? Do you believe him when he talks about these all male friends who he doesn't want you to meet?

simone79

I think he loves me were only married a year and half but I feel like I must be so boring he would rather go c friends then be around me he doesn't plan anything with me but can with his friends I feel taken for granted I'm a good wife and even give him money to go see his friends yes our outgoing bills he pays just 25euro to it rest I dont know where it goes as he doesn't let me c his bank accounts

claregal1

I think he is been totally unreasonable- when I first met my partner we moved in totally different circles and didn't know each other's friends so in the beginning I would go out with my friends and him with his friends on a Sat night but we would always meet up with each other at some stage durning the night . When we moved in together he would spend Saturday's with his friends watching the football or whatever but weekend nights were always for us - whether it would be out with a group , alone or having drinks in either our house or one of our friend's houses ..... To be honest it sounds like he might have met someone else or is still living the life of a single lad .....

Just read your previous post - surely at your wedding you must have met his friends ?
And any man who is only contributing €25 to the household is taking the pi*s !

simone79

I have to believe if I don't he would see me as not trusting him and a bunny boiler

Loveinapril

Have you actually discussed any of this with him? There seems to be a big disconnect in your relationship. How long were you together before you got married?

heretochat

So you have never met his friends he regularly stays away from home after being with them..

You are not allowed sight of his bank accounts and he contributes €25 to bills..

This is not a relationship to me and certainly not a marriage..

Sounds like he has another life that he does not want you knowing about.

At the very least you are being taken for a fool in my opinion.

simone79

We were only dating a year then married yes I feel I'm doing everything alone even decorating the house I do alone his motto I why bother leave it I feel I might as well be single as I'm no better off married I'm crying writing all this because deep down I know its not like a real marraoge should be like

simone79

He also has a possessive thing with his ph if I ask to look at I he gets angry and accuses me of invading his privacy I know there is something on his phone he is hideong but has a pin on I so I cant even prove my suspicions he tells me I'm overthinking everything

claregal1

simone79 wrote: »

We were only dating a year then married yes I feel I'm doing everything alone even decorating the house I do alone his motto I why bother leave it I feel I might as well be single as I'm no better off married I'm crying writing all this because deep down I know its not like a real marraoge should be like

Maybe you should start showing him tough love - pack his bags and show him the door , be interesting to see how long he would survive in the real world with only paying €25 a week towsrds the bills and living the life of a single lad .
To be honest I would rather be called a bunny boiler than a doormat. .... people treat us the way we allow ourselves to be treated .....

Wonzy

You need to put your foot down. Don't pay the bills any longer and tell him they are to be split 50/50. Tell him you don't want him to be going out all the time with his "mates" and to start doing things together like cinema, nature walks, meals and drinks etc. Does he have a drinking problem or could be secretly gambling his money. Sounds like a 21 year old to be honest instead of a 32 year old.

I know this might sound stupid but have a mate or family member follow him that he doesnt know. At least this will put your mind at ease and can finally find out wha he is doing. But if it comes to this the trust is obviously gone and might be time to pack his bags

simone79

I was thinking of following him sounds terrible but I dont want be made a fool of no he does not drink he is indian and muslim

FortySeven

Have to agree op. You need to grow a pair here and take some kind of action. Make sure you have a support network in place beforehand. Do not rush in blindly. Be prepared for the worst but you cannot surely be expected to live like this.

heretochat

simone79 wrote: »

He also has a possessive thing with his ph if I ask to look at I he gets angry and accuses me of invading his privacy I know there is something on his phone he is hideong but has a pin on I so I cant even prove my suspicions he tells me I'm overthinking everything

This gets worse. He is definitely making a fool of you, hard as it is for anyone to be told that.

I agree with the earlier poster who advised you not to be a doormat. You seem to be nothing more than window dressing for him, the dutiful wife at home while he does what he likes.

Life is too short and I would be showing him the door. You should never let anyone treat you with the disrespect that he is showing you

Ursus Horribilis

I'm not being funny here but do you think he married you to get a visa?

simone79

I can't think that or id go crazy that would devastate me

claregal1

simone79 wrote: »

I was thinking of following him sounds terrible but I dont want be made a fool of no he does not drink he is indian and muslim

How long were you seeing him before you got married ?
Are you Irish yourself ?

Loveinapril

Sit down and talk to him about things.
Don't follow him. That is something a crazy person would do.
Tell him all the things you wrote here.

simone79

I'm Irish we were together near a year when got married

ChampagnePop

This just gets worse and worse

simone79

I've told him everything he calls me a mad old woman im trying to control him but all I want I to be first on his list before friends

claregal1

To be honest I think your idea and his idea of marriage are two totally different things .

You need to stand up for yourself and put your foot down and show him the door .

You've stated already that he has called you a mad old woman ? Why because you are older than him ? So what !!

Are you afraid of been on your own ? Beacuse going by all your previous posts you may as well be single .

It's tough as you say you love him - but you will get over it - you don't want to look back on this in your 40's and think of all the years you wasted with someone who doesn't seem to respect you .

You need to face up to the facts that this marriage is not a joint contribution and move on if he isn't willing to change .

What do your friends and family think of the situation ? Have you confided in anyone close to you how you feel ?

simone79

Ny family dont care to be honest there motto is why get married to him u made your bed lye in it I dont have anybody to be honest only him and yes being alone is one of my biggest fears I feel its all over for me if this marriage is gone ill be alone forever and that thought terrifying me

Ursus Horribilis

Do you own your house or is it rented?

claregal1

simone79 wrote: »

Ny family dont care to be honest there motto is why get married to him u made your bed lye in it I dont have anybody to be honest only him and yes being alone is one of my biggest fears I feel its all over for me if this marriage is gone ill be alone forever and that thought terrifying me

Being on your own is not the be all and end all of life - Right now it looks hard and is probably easier to stay in a love less marriage than be on your own .

I apologise if I come across as been harsh but you really need to stand up for yourself and stop allowing him to disrespect you .

It will and does get easier but only you can make the change .

You are worth so much more than what he is treating you . Who knows if you stand up for yourself he might change - I would start by telling him the best night he goes out and doesn't come home not to bother coming home then . He needs to know you mean business .

I hope it all works out for you , I truly do but unless you are willing to change yourself this is going to continue and more than likely he might end up leaving you anyways ...

I was in the same situation you were in 15 years ago - never married thankfully but for 5 years I allowed my ex to treat me the same way your husband is doing - out every weekend , not coming home and then it eventually moved on to him having one night stands - reason I didn't leave him was I didn't want to be alone with three kids .
My friends and family were fine blue in the face from trying to talk to me . I eventually isolated myself from everyone because I couldn't face anyone knowing they all thought I was a fool for allowing him to treat me like he did .
The day I left him with the kids was the hardest thing I ever did . When my parents realised I was serious this time they rallied around to help with babysitters etc and my sister gave me a job and life took a turn for the best .
Apologies for the long post but it does get easier and you will get through it but you need yo make the change not anyone else .

Emme

simone79 wrote: »

Ny family dont care to be honest there motto is why get married to him u made your bed lye in it I dont have anybody to be honest only him and yes being alone is one of my biggest fears I feel its all over for me if this marriage is gone ill be alone forever and that thought terrifying me

To all extents and purposes you ARE alone now and you would be better off alone on your own than alone with the leech who is your husband. Your so-called husband gives you so little money towards the household that you have to fund his social life which he keeps secret from you. Are you sure your husband wasn't already married in India before you met and he might have married you to stay in Ireland.

Do you own the house or are your renting? If you own the house you should get good legal advice because your marriage is a sham. He is using you, disrespecting you and taking you for a fool. At 37 you are not an old woman.

I would advise you to end this marriage, you are getting nothing out of it.

heretochat

simone79 wrote: »

Ny family dont care to be honest there motto is why get married to him u made your bed lye in it I dont have anybody to be honest only him and yes being alone is one of my biggest fears I feel its all over for me if this marriage is gone ill be alone forever and that thought terrifying me

To be honest you are as good as alone anyway, given the scenario you have outlined.

I held back on making a rash judgement as to his motives but it has the appearance of a marriage of convenience for him and an easy way to get a visa sorted.

I know that is devastating to contemplate but you need to face that likelihood.

Anyway your current situation is not sustainable and you need to show your teeth so to speak.

Kick him out and let him off with this "friends", his measly contribution to your bills and his pin locked phone

Ursus Horribilis

I hate to say this but I'm getting the horrible feeling he targeted you because you're lonely, vulnerable and suffering from low self esteem. I wouldn't like to tar all people from that part of the world with the same brush but it's undeniable that there are men who marry out of convenience. There are alarm bells ringing all over the place I'm afraid. Quick marriage, husband saying horrible untrue things to you, excluding you from his life, not contributing financially to the household. Really, what are you gaining from this marriage apart from having a ring on your finger and being able to say you're married?

Being single isn't the worst thing in the world and I hope you will come to see that. From what I can see, you'd be no worse off. It's obvious that your husband doesn't like or respect you. You really need to set standards for yourself instead of being a cowed doormat.

simone79

simone79 wrote: »

I can't think that or id go crazy that would devastate me

Simone, you came here looking for advice but I know what I'm going to say will upset you and I'm sorry.

Six months ago, six months into your marriage, you were crying yourself to sleep because your (so-called) husband was out for the third night in a row.

This man does not love you, I don't know why he married you but he does not love you, at least not in the way you want and deserve to be loved.

You need to put him out and start again. I can't imagine how hard that will be for you but you aren't even half way through your life, do you want to spend the rest of it crying yourself to sleep? Or do you want to stand up, brush yourself off and try again?

I'm older than you and single and it doesn't bother me in the slightest. I've had some rough times over the past few years but I'm at the stage now where I feel (and look! ) better than I ever did but it took a lot of counselling and a little medication.

You can do this, with help and support and a belief in yourself, you can do this.

As regards your family, I'm afraid they may have seen something that you couldn't see because you were either so desperately in love or so desperately afraid of being alone BUT I suspect that they are not as unavailable as you think should you decide to leave him.

intheclouds

Didnt you post on here before about this guy?

It sounds to me like he wanted a visa, saw you as an easy target because you were lonely and vulnerable so he married you as a means to an end.

Now you are stuck in a loveless marriage being disrespected and he is further eroding your self esteem by telling you that you are being crazy and unreasonable.

You dont deserve any of that!!

Kick him out. What does he contribute to your life and happiness anyway? He actually only brings negative things into your life.

Kick him out and let him survive in the real world on 25 euro a week. I assure you he will come crawling back pretending to love you. But he doesnt. He just wants you to bankroll him.

LegacyUser

Why does being alone but in complete control of your life seem like a worse option than being in a miserable, abusive (definitely emotionally and financially abusive), loveless, lonely marriage? Contact Women's Aid today. 1800 341 900. They won't force you to do anything. They won't try to convince you to do anything. But they will talk to you. They can advise you of steps to take to protect yourself.

And give your family more credit. They might, as others said, have seen the warning signs. They might listen to you giving out about him but know that you aren't going to do, or can't do anything about him. So that might be where the "you made you bed" line is coming from. It's very difficult to continually hear of somebody you love being treated badly, but refusing to do anything to change their situation. If you won't/can't do anything for yourself, they can't do it for you. It can seem like they are just shrugging and washing their hands of you.. but if you let them know that you we're going to make changes, the help and support would come.

Ursus Horribilis

[Deleted User] wrote: »

As regards your family, I'm afraid they may have seen something that you couldn't see because you were either so desperately in love or so desperately afraid of being alone BUT I suspect that they are not as unavailable as you think should you decide to leave him.

This is what I was wondering too. Are you sure they didn't say things along the lines of "You're on your own/you've made your bed, now go lie in it" to try and stop you marrying this guy? I know people (including some of my own relatives) who are quite conservative and who would've been quite judgemental about the likes of single mothers, people separating, gays etc. Yet when these issues happened to their own kids, they couldn't have been more supportive. People can and do change their minds. Maybe you're underestimating your folks?

sbsquarepants

Odus fell down wrote: »

I'm not being funny here but do you think he married you to get a visa?

No offence simone, but I think there is a slight smell of obvious off this one. Just get rid of him. When he goes off to see his friends tomorrow, change the locks, pack up his bags and put them out in the front garden for his midnight return.
He's taking you for a fool and what's worse - you're letting him. Time to cop on I think!

Ursus Horribilis

Simone, I don't know if you're still following this thread but I felt I should add this. I understand that this thread will be bringing information to you that's extremely upsetting and will be shaking your faith in yourself. What I hope you don't do is bury your head in the sand for too long. If, as many of us suspect, your husband married you out of convenience, your marriage won't be one of those "til death us do part" ones. He's going to be leaving you at some stage in the future. It could be next week, it could be next month, it could be next year, two years, three years. You have two choices here. Either you accept that the marriage is doomed, he's a user who cruelly conned you into marrying him and you get rid of him on your own terms. Or you do nothing and allow him to leave at a time of his own choosing. By that stage who knows what state your finances will be in? Not to mention your mental health. If you are proactive and take this matter into your own hands it will be better for you.

LegacyUser

Simone, nobody is expecting you to end your marriage and kick him out tonight. That's soap opera stuff and the reality is never scripted and stage managed like it is on telly. But you are noticing things that don't sit right with you. You are perfectly entitled to those feelings, and it is not unreasonable to think you should be able to sit down with your husband and discuss it like adults and maybe come to a compromise.

He's not interested though. He doesn't care. You are not a priority for him. Once you get your head around that you will start making decisions for yourself. It mightn't be this week, or even this year, but you will get there. What you absolutely need to do though is educate yourself. Put things in place that mean if it gets too much for you, leaving will be relatively easy. Maybe start putting a little bit of money aside every month. Open a credit union account that he doesn't know about and save a bit into that.

I can't stress enough how important it is for you to speak to someone. Anyone. A friend. Your GP. Women's Aid. Your work might have an EAP programme in place. It is free and confidential. You feel helpless and alone now, but if you start making small changes to your own life it will make a difference to you. You don't need to leave him today. Who knows, maybe things will change in your favour soon. But you need to orchestrate some changes yourself. If nothing changes, then nothing changes!