I sometimes have crushes on other guys

SuzanneDx

I've been with my boyfriend around a year and we have a great relationship, and I love him dearly. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anyone else and he's supported me and loved me through difficult times. We share so many beautiful things together and he makes me feel amazing.

But the thing is, I sometimes have little crushes and feelings for other guys. Nothing too serious, but recently I read an article about this and now I think I need to tell my boyfriend how I'm feeling when it comes up for me, because in our relationship we've always had clear and open/honest communication. I think he will be fine and I think this will be healthy for our relationship.

The article that prompted me to communicate with my partner is (oh, it won't let me post links so):
Type into google: good therapy how to tell your partner you have a crush on someone else

They advocate something along the lines of; “these are my feelings and I don’t necessarily want to do anything about them, but I feel like you should know what they are”.

I don't want to keep anything from my partner... so now I feel it's time to tell him. Because recently in my circle of friends, I met a guy through another friend of mine, and I really felt a bit of attraction towards him. The group ended up at a friends house, and me and this guy were really discovering we had a lot of things in common and he felt very passionate about particular things that are close to my heart. I mentioned my boyfriend of course, so he's clear that I'm not "playing the field", but at the same time he asked me would I like to meet for a coffee sometime... and I can't deny that, yes, I would like to meet him and hang out. I don't have any intention of cheating btw... I just feel nice warm feelings and is there really anything wrong with that?

Thanks for any tips on how to manage my emotions here. It's rare that I have these crushes but when they come, I don't want to feel like I'm hiding something, etc.

baby and crumble

You'll get a lot of mixed and very varied responses to this.

In my opinion, it's unreasonable to think you would only ever be attracted to your partner. I get crushes all the time. I am incredibly transparent so my gf can always tell when I have a crush. But I don't think there's anything wrong with the feelings, just what you do to them. I personally wouldn't care if my gf had a crush on someone else but would if she was then spending time and "acting" on it.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Well, we don't know your boyfriend. How do you think he'll react, how do you think he'll feel about something like this? After a year you should have a good idea. And furthermore, how would you feel if he told you something like that? No offence but your post is kind of all about you and your feelings.

There is a difference between 'good communication' and 'unburdening everything on to your partner'. Some conversations are just better had with a friend, or a sibling, or just not at all.

I agree with baby crumble that there's nothing wrong with having crushes outside your relationship, and like I say I don't know your boyfriend, but in the vast majority of cases that's not a talk that's going to end well

Dial Hard

B&C has nailed it, imo.

Anyone who thinks their partner is never, ever going to be attracted to someone else is seriously fooling themselves. It's human nature and my ex-husband and I would often have given eachother a gentle slagging if it became obvious one of us had developed a little crush.

However, I would absolutely hate to be sat down and subjected to a big earnest "This is how I feel and I need to tell you" every time someone caught my other half's eye. It makes a perfectly natural non-event into a much bigger deal than it actually is, imo.

pgj2015

if my girlfriend told me she has a current crush on a guy, I would assume she was playing games, a game where she is trying to make me jealous. I think its pointless to tell your boyfriend of such crushes,especially as you say you are not going to do anything about the crush, it would be like if you were walking down the street with your boyfriend and pointing out every guy you thought was good looking.

if my girlfriend told me about a guy she has a crush on, I would think she is very childish to be playing such games and I would end the relationship, no need for stupid games in relationships, men especially hate when women try and make them jealous.

LegacyUser

For the life of me I don't see any good coming from telling your partner something like this. A potential breeding ground for jealousy, insecurity, suspicion and misunderstanding with absolutely no upside for the relationship. This is as bad as couples discussing their sexual histories, a conversation I have never heard of having a good outcome.

SuzanneDx

Well we've agreed that we're in an exclusive relationship, and we've both had "the chat" where we agreed that we aren't going to be with people outside of this relationship. So, I don't feel like I'm playing any games here, my bf knows that I'm committed. And other guys who appear to fancy me, or ask me out, I make sure I mention my BF also early on.

But I'm just being honest... I'm human and I don't claim to be perfect at controlling my emotions. I think my BF knows this well enough.

Have you guys read that article I tried to post? Boards won't let me post URLs but it sounds like this sharing of could bring us closer together, and would actually be a preventative measure against pent up feelings of attraction.

Rekop dog

I don't know anyone that would enjoy hearing this from their partner, the hope that it will actually bring you closer is a very tenuous one.

The assertion that you should share everything with your partner is ridiculous. I'd have a million and one thoughts/urges during a day ranging from mundane to franky insane, I'm sure we all do, but we don't act on or share every one of these.

You're trying to present yourself as this modern uber open minded person, but it's all coming across a bit disingenuous. You're missing the early exciting warm feeling of a relationship and want your bf to OK you experiencing this with someone else while enjoying the comforts of the relationship at the same time. The fact you agreed to be exclusive means you can't have your cake and eat it here.

You should consider all consequence before telling him, ie. the potential strain on the relationship, him possibly ending it. A negative impact is far more likely than positive even if it surfaces in a less obvious passive aggressive way.

armaghlad

For the love of god do not tell your bf this. How would you like it if he rocked up and told you he had a crush on your best friend? Or your sister? There are healthy, transparent, open relationships and then there's blatent self-sabotage.

People develop crushes both in and out of relationships. You arent hiding anything by not telling him; and by telling him you are needlessly opening a potential can of worms. Just let it be. It's a crush; totally unimportant and although insigificant you'll be making your bf paranoid; no matter how many assurances you give him. Don't tell him.

PressRun

I have no idea why you'd want to sit down and have a serious chat with him about something as trivial as developing a crush on someone else. It's perfectly normal to have little crushes on other people and it does happen to everyone, but I don't think it's normal have a deep discussion with your boyfriend about it as if it's a really significant issue. Having a 'talk' with him about this is going to make it seem like something very serious, which in turn is going to make him believe that it really is something serious. You're in danger of creating a problem where there doesn't need to be one.

Mr. Incognito

Why do we need to read a trashy magazine article to justify what is in effect a perfectly natural human emotions.

You will get crushes. Your boyfriend will get crushes.

Get over it.

You don't need a huge heart to heart every time you see someone attractive you fancy.

That's the whole point of being in a committed relationship. Making a promise to someone to be faithful.

If it was easy the promise would not be required.

beks101

For the love of god do not sit your boyfriend down and tell him you fancy other men. What you call "sharing", most other people would call self-indulging and manipulating and playing with the emotions of someone you love for completely deluded reasons.

It will not bring you closer together. Even if he claims to be grand about it, I can guarantee he'll be thinking all kinds of things ranging from "am I not enough for her?" and "why does she feel the need to tell me?" to "does she actually love me?" as it's such a self-serving thing to say it'll be hard to believe there's no ulterior motive.

You're human, you will be attracted to other men no matter how great your partner is. So will he. His head probably turns as much as yours. Just today I sat in a private meeting with my Current Work Crush and thought "ah, in another universe", but my boundaries prevent me from 1. allowing it to be anything other than a thought and 2. mentioning it to my OH over dinner. Because not every single brainwave that passes through your head needs to be shared.

Dial Hard

SuzanneDx wrote:

But I'm just being honest... I'm human and I don't claim to be perfect at controlling my emotions. I think my BF knows this well enough.

Your boyfriend is aware you're human and as such is also well aware that people in relationships can still find other people attractive, as I can guarantee you he does it himself.

SuzanneDx wrote:

Have you guys read that article I tried to post? Boards won't let me post URLs but it sounds like this sharing of could bring us closer together, and would actually be a preventative measure against pent up feelings of attraction.

Yes, I did read it and it was a load of angsty American nonsense, imo. It's not necessary to vomit up every thought that ever enters your head in order to have an open and honest relationship.

Jan Laco

While everyone can have a secret crush on others they make efforts to avoid getting into scenarios where those small feelings can grow.

You seem a bit uncaring of possible eventualities. Do you think cheaters just decide one day that they will go out and cheat? I think many fall into a trap...."ah what's the harm in a coffee".

Do you expect that once you go on a few 'non-dates' the feelings will just evaporate and that you will be left with a like minded friend?

Keane2baMused

OP, anyone can write a magazine article and call themselves a relationship expert.

In relationships things like this should really be on a need to know basis. This,is something he doesn't need to know.

You are potentially setting him up for a new feeling he may not have experienced with you yet..JEALOUSY. Which ironically, is also human nature.

Dial Hard

Jan Laco wrote:

Do you expect that once you go on a few 'non-dates' the feelings will just evaporate and that you will be left with a like minded friend?

Erm, I'm not sure you read or understood the OP. She's not considering acting on her crushes, she wants to tell her boyfriend that she has them.

Irish_Elect_Eng

I read the article, it is little more than click-bait to drive clients to the author.

Not saying that you should not talk about it, there are many different relationship dynamics and communications models that work. But IMHO, unburdening all your feeling on your partner looking for validation is a very dependent model. There are many situations where a conversation may happen naturally, but sitting your partner down to have a discussion about your current crush comes across a bit odd.

bluetomato

SuzanneDx wrote: »

=

Have you guys read that article I tried to post? Boards won't let me post URLs but it sounds like this sharing of could bring us closer together, and would actually be a preventative measure against pent up feelings of attraction.

I think most people in healthy, happy relationships don't need preventative measures to keep things under control.

If my partner told me he had a crush I'd think he was trying to make me jealous, if he explained further about the article and how he thought sharing would bring us closer together and act as a preventative measure I'd think he had no self control or something and wanted me to be the one to set boundaries for him with friends etc. because he couldn't trust himself to do it and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

Ursus Horribilis

Look, any time you see an article online, you should be asking yourself questions as to why it's there. Who wrote it? Why? What's their agenda? Are they hoping to sell something to you? Everybody - not just you - should be a little bit sceptical about everything factual they read and not just take it at face value. The world is full of people who are trying to find a different angle on things in order to sell books, get articles into magazines, get themselves onto radio or TV and generally make a name for themselves. Magazines, websites, radio shows and the like are only too delighted to do business with people who have something a little different to say. Trying to keep a constant flow of content coming into their websites, publications, radio shows etc. is a full-time job. Just because someone has letters after their name doesn't mean they're right.

What everyone is telling you here is right. I'm not going to bother regurgitating what the others have said because they've said it better than I ever will. I am questioning your motives though and wondering what sort of person you are? Honestly, you sound like you've got the emotional maturity of an attention-seeking 14 year old in secondary school. Still, maybe you need to learn the hard way. Life's like that.

DukeOfTheSharp

To be honest, while I'm all for communication, there is such a thing as oversharing. Leave this be OP, no sense in making someone you're with overthink a situation just because you did.

Ignatius in bloom

well I told you about this guy and you knew I had a crush on him and you said it was cool to meet him for coffee and things just happened I'm really sorry I had no intentions of falling for him but I just have to follow my heart.

Lady is a tramp

Why. Why would you feel the need to tell him.

You have crushes on other guys - well, newsflash, chances are he has crushes on other girls. But he's not going to tell you about him, because why the hell would he? It's human nature. He chose you. He wants to be with you. So what the hell is telling you about those crushes going to achieve?

Don't, just don't do it. Enjoy the crushes, maybe even a bit of flirtation. But don't make it into a big sit-down-for-a-chat drama.

fungun

You are asking two very different questions here imo:

1. Is it ok to tell your bf you have a crush on a guy: Yes
2. If you have a crush on a guy, will your bf be happy if you then meet him for coffee and hang out: No

squonk

OP leave the pop psychology and pop therapy stuff alone. As was said here already, we all develop crushes on others whether we're in relationships or not. We're all human and becoming exclusive doesn't suddenly shut down the part of our brain that attracts us to others. If every thought I had every second of every day was broadcast I think I'd be in severe trouble, but so would anybody. Your boyfriend has crushes too and he knows you are in a similar boat. Nothing good will come of having this chat with him. He'll end up feeling jealous and he may also decide that you'r not as mature as he thought and that could have repercussions as well.

SB_Part2

I get the impression that the OP has already made up her mind and is going to tell him.

Just to reiterate. It's a really really bad idea.

batmanrobin

Are you bored in the relationship, OP? I only ask as you seem determined to stir up some drama. You really do not need to have a big heavy conversation about this. You're carrying on as if you actually went out and had an affair. The world over has crushes, stop trying to make this into a big deal.

SuzanneDx

SuzanneDx wrote: »

Have you guys read that article I tried to post?

Did YOU read the article? Apart from all of the points about it being typical internet clickbait (with which I agree) the point of the article is to deal with a crush when it's causing you to fell anxiety, depression or shame about the crush and THOSE emotions would spill into your relationship, not the crush emotions.

It’s harder to regulate our thoughts and feelings when we’re shaming ourselves. The same could be said for other internal states we struggle with—anxiety and depression, for example. When we live in relationship to others who react to our feeling states, we don’t just experience baseline symptoms of anxiety and depression; we may also judge ourselves for having those feelings, and then deal with added anxiety as we anticipate the ways our partners might react. From this web, obsessions can develop.

LegacyUser

Dial Hard wrote: »

Erm, I'm not sure you read or understood the OP. She's not considering acting on her crushes, she wants to tell her boyfriend that she has them.

Actually, no, she is not just oversharing, she's planning to act on the crush;

I met a guy through another friend of mine, and I really felt a bit of attraction towards him. The group ended up at a friends house, and me and this guy were really discovering we had a lot of things in common and he felt very passionate about particular things that are close to my heart. I mentioned my boyfriend of course, so he's clear that I'm not "playing the field", but at the same time he asked me would I like to meet for a coffee sometime... and I can't deny that, yes, I would like to meet him and hang out. I don't have any intention of cheating btw... I just feel nice warm feelings and is there really anything wrong with that? .

It might, at the moment, be planning it in a spirit of genuine innocence, but if so it's a naiveté bordering on the stupid and the OP needs to learn fast that telling her boyfriend is a bad idea, carrying out any act to express the crush is even worse and a potential disaster. And that's taking at face value that she is doing it innocently, if she's not then she is maybe knowingly taking the first steps towards cheating or perhaps trying to start something with her crush before ending her current relationship. Either way, there's no upside to it.

KikiDee

Are you planning on acting on these crushes? You say not so why bother telling him? Crude phrase alert so apologies in advance but you can look at the menu without ordering. I'm sure your boyfriend has taken a few second glances at other women or has had a little flirt or bit of banter with other women. It's allowed, it's OK. Provided you're not going to take it any further, keep it to yourself.

Rikand

It doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home.



But if you tell your boyfriend, coffee is definitely off the cards