I sometimes have crushes on other guys

SuzanneDx

I've been with my boyfriend around a year and we have a great relationship, and I love him dearly. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with anyone else and he's supported me and loved me through difficult times. We share so many beautiful things together and he makes me feel amazing.

But the thing is, I sometimes have little crushes and feelings for other guys. Nothing too serious, but recently I read an article about this and now I think I need to tell my boyfriend how I'm feeling when it comes up for me, because in our relationship we've always had clear and open/honest communication. I think he will be fine and I think this will be healthy for our relationship.

The article that prompted me to communicate with my partner is (oh, it won't let me post links so):
Type into google: good therapy how to tell your partner you have a crush on someone else

They advocate something along the lines of; “these are my feelings and I don’t necessarily want to do anything about them, but I feel like you should know what they are”.

I don't want to keep anything from my partner... so now I feel it's time to tell him. Because recently in my circle of friends, I met a guy through another friend of mine, and I really felt a bit of attraction towards him. The group ended up at a friends house, and me and this guy were really discovering we had a lot of things in common and he felt very passionate about particular things that are close to my heart. I mentioned my boyfriend of course, so he's clear that I'm not "playing the field", but at the same time he asked me would I like to meet for a coffee sometime... and I can't deny that, yes, I would like to meet him and hang out. I don't have any intention of cheating btw... I just feel nice warm feelings and is there really anything wrong with that?

Thanks for any tips on how to manage my emotions here. It's rare that I have these crushes but when they come, I don't want to feel like I'm hiding something, etc.

baby and crumble

You'll get a lot of mixed and very varied responses to this.

In my opinion, it's unreasonable to think you would only ever be attracted to your partner. I get crushes all the time. I am incredibly transparent so my gf can always tell when I have a crush. But I don't think there's anything wrong with the feelings, just what you do to them. I personally wouldn't care if my gf had a crush on someone else but would if she was then spending time and "acting" on it.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

Well, we don't know your boyfriend. How do you think he'll react, how do you think he'll feel about something like this? After a year you should have a good idea. And furthermore, how would you feel if he told you something like that? No offence but your post is kind of all about you and your feelings.

There is a difference between 'good communication' and 'unburdening everything on to your partner'. Some conversations are just better had with a friend, or a sibling, or just not at all.

I agree with baby crumble that there's nothing wrong with having crushes outside your relationship, and like I say I don't know your boyfriend, but in the vast majority of cases that's not a talk that's going to end well

Dial Hard

B&C has nailed it, imo.

Anyone who thinks their partner is never, ever going to be attracted to someone else is seriously fooling themselves. It's human nature and my ex-husband and I would often have given eachother a gentle slagging if it became obvious one of us had developed a little crush.

However, I would absolutely hate to be sat down and subjected to a big earnest "This is how I feel and I need to tell you" every time someone caught my other half's eye. It makes a perfectly natural non-event into a much bigger deal than it actually is, imo.

pgj2015

if my girlfriend told me she has a current crush on a guy, I would assume she was playing games, a game where she is trying to make me jealous. I think its pointless to tell your boyfriend of such crushes,especially as you say you are not going to do anything about the crush, it would be like if you were walking down the street with your boyfriend and pointing out every guy you thought was good looking.

if my girlfriend told me about a guy she has a crush on, I would think she is very childish to be playing such games and I would end the relationship, no need for stupid games in relationships, men especially hate when women try and make them jealous.

LegacyUser

For the life of me I don't see any good coming from telling your partner something like this. A potential breeding ground for jealousy, insecurity, suspicion and misunderstanding with absolutely no upside for the relationship. This is as bad as couples discussing their sexual histories, a conversation I have never heard of having a good outcome.

SuzanneDx

Well we've agreed that we're in an exclusive relationship, and we've both had "the chat" where we agreed that we aren't going to be with people outside of this relationship. So, I don't feel like I'm playing any games here, my bf knows that I'm committed. And other guys who appear to fancy me, or ask me out, I make sure I mention my BF also early on.

But I'm just being honest... I'm human and I don't claim to be perfect at controlling my emotions. I think my BF knows this well enough.

Have you guys read that article I tried to post? Boards won't let me post URLs but it sounds like this sharing of could bring us closer together, and would actually be a preventative measure against pent up feelings of attraction.

Rekop dog

I don't know anyone that would enjoy hearing this from their partner, the hope that it will actually bring you closer is a very tenuous one.

The assertion that you should share everything with your partner is ridiculous. I'd have a million and one thoughts/urges during a day ranging from mundane to franky insane, I'm sure we all do, but we don't act on or share every one of these.

You're trying to present yourself as this modern uber open minded person, but it's all coming across a bit disingenuous. You're missing the early exciting warm feeling of a relationship and want your bf to OK you experiencing this with someone else while enjoying the comforts of the relationship at the same time. The fact you agreed to be exclusive means you can't have your cake and eat it here.

You should consider all consequence before telling him, ie. the potential strain on the relationship, him possibly ending it. A negative impact is far more likely than positive even if it surfaces in a less obvious passive aggressive way.

armaghlad

For the love of god do not tell your bf this. How would you like it if he rocked up and told you he had a crush on your best friend? Or your sister? There are healthy, transparent, open relationships and then there's blatent self-sabotage.

People develop crushes both in and out of relationships. You arent hiding anything by not telling him; and by telling him you are needlessly opening a potential can of worms. Just let it be. It's a crush; totally unimportant and although insigificant you'll be making your bf paranoid; no matter how many assurances you give him. Don't tell him.

PressRun

I have no idea why you'd want to sit down and have a serious chat with him about something as trivial as developing a crush on someone else. It's perfectly normal to have little crushes on other people and it does happen to everyone, but I don't think it's normal have a deep discussion with your boyfriend about it as if it's a really significant issue. Having a 'talk' with him about this is going to make it seem like something very serious, which in turn is going to make him believe that it really is something serious. You're in danger of creating a problem where there doesn't need to be one.

Mr. Incognito

Why do we need to read a trashy magazine article to justify what is in effect a perfectly natural human emotions.

You will get crushes. Your boyfriend will get crushes.

Get over it.

You don't need a huge heart to heart every time you see someone attractive you fancy.

That's the whole point of being in a committed relationship. Making a promise to someone to be faithful.

If it was easy the promise would not be required.

beks101

For the love of god do not sit your boyfriend down and tell him you fancy other men. What you call "sharing", most other people would call self-indulging and manipulating and playing with the emotions of someone you love for completely deluded reasons.

It will not bring you closer together. Even if he claims to be grand about it, I can guarantee he'll be thinking all kinds of things ranging from "am I not enough for her?" and "why does she feel the need to tell me?" to "does she actually love me?" as it's such a self-serving thing to say it'll be hard to believe there's no ulterior motive.

You're human, you will be attracted to other men no matter how great your partner is. So will he. His head probably turns as much as yours. Just today I sat in a private meeting with my Current Work Crush and thought "ah, in another universe", but my boundaries prevent me from 1. allowing it to be anything other than a thought and 2. mentioning it to my OH over dinner. Because not every single brainwave that passes through your head needs to be shared.

Dial Hard

SuzanneDx wrote:

But I'm just being honest... I'm human and I don't claim to be perfect at controlling my emotions. I think my BF knows this well enough.

Your boyfriend is aware you're human and as such is also well aware that people in relationships can still find other people attractive, as I can guarantee you he does it himself.

SuzanneDx wrote:

Have you guys read that article I tried to post? Boards won't let me post URLs but it sounds like this sharing of could bring us closer together, and would actually be a preventative measure against pent up feelings of attraction.

Yes, I did read it and it was a load of angsty American nonsense, imo. It's not necessary to vomit up every thought that ever enters your head in order to have an open and honest relationship.

Jan Laco

While everyone can have a secret crush on others they make efforts to avoid getting into scenarios where those small feelings can grow.

You seem a bit uncaring of possible eventualities. Do you think cheaters just decide one day that they will go out and cheat? I think many fall into a trap...."ah what's the harm in a coffee".

Do you expect that once you go on a few 'non-dates' the feelings will just evaporate and that you will be left with a like minded friend?

Keane2baMused

OP, anyone can write a magazine article and call themselves a relationship expert.

In relationships things like this should really be on a need to know basis. This,is something he doesn't need to know.

You are potentially setting him up for a new feeling he may not have experienced with you yet..JEALOUSY. Which ironically, is also human nature.

Dial Hard

Jan Laco wrote:

Do you expect that once you go on a few 'non-dates' the feelings will just evaporate and that you will be left with a like minded friend?

Erm, I'm not sure you read or understood the OP. She's not considering acting on her crushes, she wants to tell her boyfriend that she has them.

Irish_Elect_Eng

I read the article, it is little more than click-bait to drive clients to the author.

Not saying that you should not talk about it, there are many different relationship dynamics and communications models that work. But IMHO, unburdening all your feeling on your partner looking for validation is a very dependent model. There are many situations where a conversation may happen naturally, but sitting your partner down to have a discussion about your current crush comes across a bit odd.

bluetomato

SuzanneDx wrote: »

=

Have you guys read that article I tried to post? Boards won't let me post URLs but it sounds like this sharing of could bring us closer together, and would actually be a preventative measure against pent up feelings of attraction.

I think most people in healthy, happy relationships don't need preventative measures to keep things under control.

If my partner told me he had a crush I'd think he was trying to make me jealous, if he explained further about the article and how he thought sharing would bring us closer together and act as a preventative measure I'd think he had no self control or something and wanted me to be the one to set boundaries for him with friends etc. because he couldn't trust himself to do it and I wouldn't want to be in a relationship like that.

FizzleSticks

This post has been deleted.

Ursus Horribilis

Look, any time you see an article online, you should be asking yourself questions as to why it's there. Who wrote it? Why? What's their agenda? Are they hoping to sell something to you? Everybody - not just you - should be a little bit sceptical about everything factual they read and not just take it at face value. The world is full of people who are trying to find a different angle on things in order to sell books, get articles into magazines, get themselves onto radio or TV and generally make a name for themselves. Magazines, websites, radio shows and the like are only too delighted to do business with people who have something a little different to say. Trying to keep a constant flow of content coming into their websites, publications, radio shows etc. is a full-time job. Just because someone has letters after their name doesn't mean they're right.

What everyone is telling you here is right. I'm not going to bother regurgitating what the others have said because they've said it better than I ever will. I am questioning your motives though and wondering what sort of person you are? Honestly, you sound like you've got the emotional maturity of an attention-seeking 14 year old in secondary school. Still, maybe you need to learn the hard way. Life's like that.

DukeOfTheSharp

To be honest, while I'm all for communication, there is such a thing as oversharing. Leave this be OP, no sense in making someone you're with overthink a situation just because you did.

Ignatius in bloom

well I told you about this guy and you knew I had a crush on him and you said it was cool to meet him for coffee and things just happened I'm really sorry I had no intentions of falling for him but I just have to follow my heart.

Lady is a tramp

Why. Why would you feel the need to tell him.

You have crushes on other guys - well, newsflash, chances are he has crushes on other girls. But he's not going to tell you about him, because why the hell would he? It's human nature. He chose you. He wants to be with you. So what the hell is telling you about those crushes going to achieve?

Don't, just don't do it. Enjoy the crushes, maybe even a bit of flirtation. But don't make it into a big sit-down-for-a-chat drama.

fungun

You are asking two very different questions here imo:

1. Is it ok to tell your bf you have a crush on a guy: Yes
2. If you have a crush on a guy, will your bf be happy if you then meet him for coffee and hang out: No

squonk

OP leave the pop psychology and pop therapy stuff alone. As was said here already, we all develop crushes on others whether we're in relationships or not. We're all human and becoming exclusive doesn't suddenly shut down the part of our brain that attracts us to others. If every thought I had every second of every day was broadcast I think I'd be in severe trouble, but so would anybody. Your boyfriend has crushes too and he knows you are in a similar boat. Nothing good will come of having this chat with him. He'll end up feeling jealous and he may also decide that you'r not as mature as he thought and that could have repercussions as well.

SB_Part2

I get the impression that the OP has already made up her mind and is going to tell him.

Just to reiterate. It's a really really bad idea.

batmanrobin

Are you bored in the relationship, OP? I only ask as you seem determined to stir up some drama. You really do not need to have a big heavy conversation about this. You're carrying on as if you actually went out and had an affair. The world over has crushes, stop trying to make this into a big deal.

SuzanneDx

SuzanneDx wrote: »

Have you guys read that article I tried to post?

Did YOU read the article? Apart from all of the points about it being typical internet clickbait (with which I agree) the point of the article is to deal with a crush when it's causing you to fell anxiety, depression or shame about the crush and THOSE emotions would spill into your relationship, not the crush emotions.

It’s harder to regulate our thoughts and feelings when we’re shaming ourselves. The same could be said for other internal states we struggle with—anxiety and depression, for example. When we live in relationship to others who react to our feeling states, we don’t just experience baseline symptoms of anxiety and depression; we may also judge ourselves for having those feelings, and then deal with added anxiety as we anticipate the ways our partners might react. From this web, obsessions can develop.

LegacyUser

Dial Hard wrote: »

Erm, I'm not sure you read or understood the OP. She's not considering acting on her crushes, she wants to tell her boyfriend that she has them.

Actually, no, she is not just oversharing, she's planning to act on the crush;

I met a guy through another friend of mine, and I really felt a bit of attraction towards him. The group ended up at a friends house, and me and this guy were really discovering we had a lot of things in common and he felt very passionate about particular things that are close to my heart. I mentioned my boyfriend of course, so he's clear that I'm not "playing the field", but at the same time he asked me would I like to meet for a coffee sometime... and I can't deny that, yes, I would like to meet him and hang out. I don't have any intention of cheating btw... I just feel nice warm feelings and is there really anything wrong with that? .

It might, at the moment, be planning it in a spirit of genuine innocence, but if so it's a naiveté bordering on the stupid and the OP needs to learn fast that telling her boyfriend is a bad idea, carrying out any act to express the crush is even worse and a potential disaster. And that's taking at face value that she is doing it innocently, if she's not then she is maybe knowingly taking the first steps towards cheating or perhaps trying to start something with her crush before ending her current relationship. Either way, there's no upside to it.

KikiDee

Are you planning on acting on these crushes? You say not so why bother telling him? Crude phrase alert so apologies in advance but you can look at the menu without ordering. I'm sure your boyfriend has taken a few second glances at other women or has had a little flirt or bit of banter with other women. It's allowed, it's OK. Provided you're not going to take it any further, keep it to yourself.

Rikand

It doesn't matter where you get your appetite as long as you eat at home.



But if you tell your boyfriend, coffee is definitely off the cards

charlietheminxx

I would be so upset if my boyfriend told me about someone he had a crush on. I am sure he's fancied other people through the course of our relationship but if he felt the need to tell me, it would instantly indicate to me that there's more than just a passing attraction there. I would be racked with insecurity and start measuring myself up against the other woman.

If I found out he was going for a coffee date (and it is basically a date) with this woman he has a crush on, it would destroy me.

Honestly OP put yourself in that situation for a few minutes, imagine your OH telling you about sexy Lara from the office who he has a bit of a thing for. Then imagine him telling you he's going for a drink with her. Would it not bother you?

It's one thing to find someone attractive, it's another thing to tear someone else's head up over it, and worse again to plan to see the other person to get a warm fuzzy feeling.

Do you think maybe you shouldn't be in this relationship?

SuzanneDx

I'm sorry if I didn't explain it properly, but I'm not going to "act on" my current crush. I only met this guy a couple of weeks back and I really like him as a person. Also, he is currently doing some work which I find very important in the world and it lines up with my ethical views. I really enjoy having long and interesting conversations with him.

But I'm in love with my bf and he treats me amazingly well, and makes me feel so loved and so happy. And I love living with him. We work great together as a team and I don't think I've ever felt like this before for any other guy. Why would I throw that away? I wouldn't.

So I agree, it's best to just keep my own "warm fuzzy feelings" to myself. But can I stop myself having them? Why would I want to? Isn't it normal to want to experience nice, deep and loving connections with any human being we meet? It doesn't have to lead to sex. Which is why I would like to be more open about it, and not "hide" the aspect of my personality that just wants to explore other close relationships and friendships in a way that allows me to keep my relationship as well. For now I'm happy to just let my bf know I'm meeting a guy for a coffee and it's just a friend of mine. He's not the jealous type and he won't think too much about it. And he doesn't need to know all of the details of my friendships, as you guys are right - it might make him worry unneccessarily.

SuzanneDx

But I don't feel I have any need of another man in my life, but I do like hanging out with guys and before my current relationship, I've often had friendships with guys where we would hang out a lot, cook, and even sleep together in the same bed or stay up talking for hours and hours. Maybe even have a little closeness/hugging, and a deep emotional connection... but other than that just platonic (no kissing, sex, intimate touching, etc.). I've had a few of these kinds of friendships and I kind of see them as a sort of grey area... these guys are more than just friends, but not boyfriends either and it just never gets to that stage. But we'd hang out a lot and enjoy each others company. And now that I'm in a "real relatiosnhip", maybe I miss these kinds of platonic-but-more-than-just-friends types of men in my life. hmmm... I'm complex I know...

Virgil°

SuzanneDx wrote: »

So I agree, it's best to just keep my own "warm fuzzy feelings" to myself. But can I stop myself having them?

You can't make yourself stop feeling them but you CAN prevent them from going further. You're current course of action ensures the opposite.

Why would I want to? Isn't it normal to want to experience nice, deep and loving connections with any human being we meet?

No it isn't. That should be reserved for your boyfriend.

It doesn't have to lead to sex..

I suspect you don't realise just how close to cheating you actually are. You might think you're unique or somehow above it all, but trust me , you are not. Many a cheater started out the same. Same excuses, same justification.

I think like the other posters have said OP you seriously need to put yourself in your boyfriends shoes. How would you feel if your boyfriend was planning on going to coffee with some attractive female he had the hots for, with a view to kindling a "deep and loving connection" whatever that means?

pgj2015

SuzanneDx wrote: »

But I don't feel I have any need of another man in my life, but I do like hanging out with guys and before my current relationship, I've often had friendships with guys where we would hang out a lot, cook, and even sleep together in the same bed or stay up talking for hours and hours. Maybe even have a little closeness/hugging, and a deep emotional connection... but other than that just platonic (no kissing, sex, intimate touching, etc.). I've had a few of these kinds of friendships and I kind of see them as a sort of grey area... these guys are more than just friends, but not boyfriends either and it just never gets to that stage. But we'd hang out a lot and enjoy each others company. And now that I'm in a "real relatiosnhip", maybe I miss these kinds of platonic-but-more-than-just-friends types of men in my life. hmmm... I'm complex I know...

what are you talking about?, you are either friends or friends with benifits or boyfrind and girlfriend, more than friends is friends with benifits not hugging friends. its likely these more than friends of yours want more than hugging by the way.

batmanrobin

pgj2015 wrote: »

what are you talking about?, you are either friends or not. its likely these more than friends of yours want more than hugging by the way.

I'd say most of them were suffering with a case of blue balls!

Seriously OP you need to cop onto yourself a small bit. Deep, loving connections with everyone... No! With family and close friends and partners, yes. Put yourself in your bf's shoes and quit this nonsense carry on. Like I said above, you seem to be looking for drama.

Jack Killian

SuzanneDx wrote: »

Well we've agreed that we're in an exclusive relationship, and we've both had "the chat" where we agreed that we aren't going to be with people outside of this relationship. So, I don't feel like I'm playing any games here, my bf knows that I'm committed. And other guys who appear to fancy me, or ask me out, I make sure I mention my BF also early on.

But I'm just being honest... I'm human and I don't claim to be perfect at controlling my emotions. I think my BF knows this well enough.

Have you guys read that article I tried to post? Boards won't let me post URLs but it sounds like this sharing of could bring us closer together, and would actually be a preventative measure against pent up feelings of attraction.

In situations like this it's usually a good exercise to hypothetically reverse roles.

If he sat you down and told you he had crushes on other women, would you say "thanks for being honest, what's on TV?" or would you say "why are you telling me this ?" and drive yourself nuts ?

leggo

Look up 'emotional cheating' OP. Many people, myself included, would argue that you've already done it.

All of these feelings you're feeling for other men: when you commit to someone your boyfriend is supposed to be the sole provider of them. That's what your commitment is. Commitment isn't just a physical thing. Of course your boyfriend can't be every man and share every single interest and thought that you have, but you weigh it up on balance and decide if you want a committed relationship with one man that's worth forgoing the rest, or not.

It's okay to have friendships with members of the opposite sex and little crushes too. But it's also crucial to put boundaries in place and not to act on them. For example, I have people in my life I'll never go drinking or out in general with once I'm in a relationship because I know there's something that could potentially happen. Like you I'm aware that I'm not perfect, and that also means I'm capable of making mistakes I can't take back in the moment (as is everyone I believe). They mean something to me and there's possible romantic feelings there, either love or lust, and I acknowledge this and that I'm human. So the people I'm friends with that this applies to become just distant 'Facebook friends' when I'm with someone and that's just how it is because I respect the commitment I made to my partner. I don't stay friends with people I cross the line with physically, ever. Literally. There's not one person I have any contact with that I've so much as kissed in my life. They're my boundaries. I'm not saying everyone should have the same level, but you should have your own and your partner should be completely on-board with them. I think you should be completely honest with him about the theory behind what you're saying, but not the specifics, to see how he feels and then make sure you two are in-sync.

You're already acting on yours by following up with and trying to build a deeper connection with someone you know you have romantic feelings for. You ARE cheating by going on this date or even thinking about it. Whether you put a stamp on it by having sex with him is irrelevant.

You need to do some soul-searching. Are you emotionally ready to commit to one man if you can't forego the deep connection and attention of other men? Do you truly love this man if you aren't, or are you using him and Googling articles that could've been written by anyone that tells you what you want to hear?

Personally I don't think it sounds like you're ready for a relationship. You could try force yourself to be by listening to everyone here (you're not going to get the answer you're looking for btw), but I fear that'll only cause you to resent this guy. You may love your current boyfriend, but these feelings are bubbling up for a reason and trying to tell you something: that you have growing up to do and stuff to get out of your system before you're emotionally ready to give someone full commitment and intimacy. Deny this all you want and act on your crushes, all that'll happen there is you'll continue to justify your minor misdeeds until you end up seriously hurting someone you love. I did the exact same myself and learned the hard way when I was young and in my first relationship. The guilt stays with you for life.

FluffyAngel

SuzanneDx wrote: »

So I agree, it's best to just keep my own "warm fuzzy feelings" to myself. But can I stop myself having them? Why would I want to? Isn't it normal to want to experience nice, deep and loving connections with any human being we meet? It doesn't have to lead to sex.

the above quote is where u are ,you are trying to convince yourself that its only sex when you cheat?
cheating doesn't mean sex,some of my best relationships were without sex,because i invested fully In body mind and spirit

my feeling is that your telling yourself that its only cheating when sex happens,because deep down you know its cheating,now your looking for affirmation from boards.. my view is you are cheating

best of luck

There is no such thing as a "transparent" relationship. Everyone hides little things from their partner and I don't think this is necessarily a bad thing - there's a difference between, "hey, that's an attractive man/woman, don't you think?", which is a fleeting glance and, "I have a crush on X", which, to me, adds in a much deeper feeling.

Don't tell your partner. It will achieve nothing, but placing a shadow of doubt in their head.

And don't take what you read in a magazine as gospel truth. 99% of what they say won't apply to your particular relationship, your particular boyfriend, your particular circumstance.

SuzanneDx

hey guys,

thanks again for the feedback on this. leggo, it's interesting what you've said about emotional cheating btw...

Well anyway, I met the guy. And you know, I'm glad I did. We had a lot of things in common and he's given me some help and ideas about some work I'm currently trying to do for my career. We share some very unique traits in certain things. It was just good company, a nice chat, and a lot of friendliness. And sharing of great food. And it's not like he doesn't know I have a bf.

In the end, I did kind of have the feeling he fancied me though. He gave some compliments, and then asked if I was free the next day (or day after) to meet and hang out. My feeling was... no. I was happy to leave things where they were. I told him I'd had a nice evening, but that I was not really available to meet up again, and I think he gets the message that I don't want to persue anything more.

And it felt good to feel that sense of "no thanks". I'm glad I went to meet him, and I'm also glad I had the feeling of "why should we try and make something more out of this when I'm already happy with by bf?". Now I feel even stronger in my relationship and I'm so happy to go back home to my bf cos I know he's the one for me.

Sometimes I think there is a part of me that just liked to "test out" my relationship sometimes,or test out myself actually - because maybe sometimes I have doubt about how much I should be trusted. and in this case I had the definite feeling that I don't want to persue anything outside my relationship and I probably won't in future. But of course, I don't know for certain - things can change over time right? But perhaps these little dates are no harm if they make me feel happier and stronger in my relationship. Maybe if I hadn't gone to meet this guy I would have been wondering "oh but is it possible that I'd want to be with someone else".... whereas right now I feel 100% clear that I don't want to be with anyone else.

I know it's stupid, but maybe going on that "date" was something I needed to do for myself. It's like sometimes I'm a little bit almost afraid that some day I might have more serious feelings for others or might emotionally cheat or cheat outright (when I was a teenager I was terrible for cheating on my bfs so I have a lack of self trust), and after doing something like this I feel more and more certain that I won't, and I don't want to cheat in any way, and I feel like my feelings for my bf are a lot more clear.

batmanrobin

Ugh, your bf has my sympathies. By the way, going on these "little dates" as you call them does constitute cheating. I can't imagine you'd be too happy if your bf did it to you. You sound like an incredibly selfish, immature individual. Too immature to be in a committed relationship. Your bf deserves better.

SuzanneDx

batmanrobin wrote: »

Ugh, your bf has my sympathies. By the way, going on these "little dates" as you call them does constitute cheating. I can't imagine you'd be too happy if your bf did it to you. You sound like an incredibly selfish, immature individual. Too immature to be in a committed relationship. Your bf deserves better.

It's cheating? Nothing happened, nothing was going to happen. And you make it sound like I go on these "little dates" regularly just waiting for something to happen, I honestly don't. Most of my friends are female at the moment and I don't get to hang out with so many guys apart from my bf and another male friend I regularly meet with for chats.

And I felt much more at peace with myself when I realised that I didn't want to start something with this guy and happily go back to my bf. Sure, maybe there was potential for something to happen... maybe I did have *some* feelings for this guy, but in the end I realised that I'm in a happily committed relationship and it's a case of "what's the point?". Why start something up, why meet again for another cup of coffee, why go deeper into it, when I'm so very happy and in love with my bf?

I haven't cheated. And I won't. I can't guarantee I will be with my bf forever, but who can? There is no guarantee he will love me forever either. But for now, I'm sure about how I feel and I'm happy with that... I feel you're judging me unfairly. You're right, maybe I'm a little immature, and I am 6 years younger than my bf, but I feel I'm slowly getting to the point that I'm cool with being in a committed relationship. It's not always easy cos I've been a little unsettled in the past but these are my "growing pains" I guess...

leggo

I'll give you credit for one thing at least: you're incredibly honest with both yourself and on here, so that's commendable. A lot of people would lie to themselves to justify doing what they do, you're at least looking at it for what it is.

At the same time...are you reading what you're writing?!

You've made a commitment to this man. All of these 'tests' and so on you speak about? We have a word for that: it's called dating. It's what we do before we commit to someone. Then we commit because we decide that's the person we want to be with. If you're not ready to give that commitment, you shouldn't be leading your boyfriend on by committing to him in theory but not in practise.

He'd likely dump you if he found out about this, I and many others would, that alone and the fact that you took all the advice given here and completely twisted it to, "yeah, I'm gonna do what I want anyway and you're all right, I shouldn't tell him" shows that somewhere in your brain, you know it's wrong.

If you don't want to commit to someone, that's fine. But if you do and you go behind his back on dates to 'test how much you really want the relationship', then you're being downright cruel. If you just get a kick out of the attention of other men, or sneaking around, then this is not the solution. You're going to hurt someone and the scary thing is you seem to, on some level, know this and just not care. I'm sorry if someone hurt you in the past and you think that's okay, but it's really, really not.

batmanrobin

SuzanneDx wrote: »

It's cheating? Nothing happened, nothing was going to happen. And you make it sound like I go on these "little dates" regularly just waiting for something to happen, I honestly don't. Most of my friends are female at the moment and I don't get to hang out with so many guys apart from my bf and another male friend I regularly meet with for chats.

And I felt much more at peace with myself when I realised that I didn't want to start something with this guy and happily go back to my bf. Sure, maybe there was potential for something to happen... maybe I did have *some* feelings for this guy, but in the end I realised that I'm in a happily committed relationship and it's a case of "what's the point?". Why start something up, why meet again for another cup of coffee, why go deeper into it, when I'm so very happy and in love with my bf?

I haven't cheated. And I won't. I can't guarantee I will be with my bf forever, but who can? There is no guarantee he will love me forever either. But for now, I'm sure about how I feel and I'm happy with that... I feel you're judging me unfairly. You're right, maybe I'm a little immature, and I am 6 years younger than my bf, but I feel I'm slowly getting to the point that I'm cool with being in a committed relationship. It's not always easy cos I've been a little unsettled in the past but these are my "growing pains" I guess...

What was the point in meeting up with him at all?! Why did it take meeting up with a guy you might have feelings for to make you realise you're happy with your bf? Surely you shouldn't need sneaking around behind your bf's back to make you realise you're happy?

It's incredibly bad form. No ifs, buts or maybes.

You've made it sound like you wouldn't be adverse to doing it in the future with other men you might have "feelings" for.

What a lucky man your bf is, he has a gf who will be keeping her options open.

No, there is no guarantee of forever with any relationship, but you don't sneak around and if you want out of a relationship, you end it.

All your posts in this thread are about how you feel and how you're affected. Have you ever stopped to think about how your bf might feel if he found out? Honestly, has he factored at all in your thinking?

KikiDee

OK...I get why you may have wanted to meet him. Can't say I'd make the same decision myself but however.
If it's all ok and above board, why keep it a secret from your bf? As in the meeting this other guy?

I need to agree with batman there, your posts are all about your feelings and the impact this is having on you. From the moment you decided to meet this other guy, regardless of if 'anything' happened or not, you should have factored your fellas feelings into the equation.

SuzanneDx

I wasn't sneaking around his back btw, I ended up telling him all about my meeting up and I actually told him before I met the guy. And I assured him that I was committed to him and nothing was happening. I didn't make a big deal out of my potential feelings, etc. because the advise in this post made me realise it would be a case of "too much information".... so I didn't give him all of the details I'm giving here, but I was honest with him about the meeting. In the end, there wasn't an awful lot to tell. So there wasn't any "big secret" or anything.

LegacyUser

SuzanneDx wrote: »

I wasn't sneaking around his back btw, I ended up telling him all about my meeting up and I actually told him before I met the guy. And I assured him that I was committed to him and nothing was happening. I didn't make a big deal out of my potential feelings, etc. because the advise in this post made me realise it would be a case of "too much information".... so I didn't give him all of the details I'm giving here, but I was honest with him about the meeting. In the end, there wasn't an awful lot to tell. So there wasn't any "big secret" or anything.

Why did you bother asking for opinions, only to ignore the overwhelming advice to not act on the idea and not tell your fella about it? All your recent posts suggest you were already going to do it and thought you'd get lots of validation that some rubbish article was a great basis for it. To be honest, your behaviour has, in my opinion, been foolish. I doubt that's the end of it for your boyfriend either.

SuzanneDx

batmanrobin wrote: »

SuzanneDx wrote: »

It's cheating? Nothing happened, nothing was going to happen. And you make it sound like I go on these "little dates" regularly just waiting for something to happen, I honestly don't. Most of my friends are female at the moment and I don't get to hang out with so many guys apart from my bf and another male friend I regularly meet with for chats.

And I felt much more at peace with myself when I realised that I didn't want to start something with this guy and happily go back to my bf. Sure, maybe there was potential for something to happen... maybe I did have *some* feelings for this guy, but in the end I realised that I'm in a happily committed relationship and it's a case of "what's the point?". Why start something up, why meet again for another cup of coffee, why go deeper into it, when I'm so very happy and in love with my bf?

I haven't cheated. And I won't. I can't guarantee I will be with my bf forever, but who can? There is no guarantee he will love me forever either. But for now, I'm sure about how I feel and I'm happy with that... I feel you're judging me unfairly. You're right, maybe I'm a little immature, and I am 6 years younger than my bf, but I feel I'm slowly getting to the point that I'm cool with being in a committed relationship. It's not always easy cos I've been a little unsettled in the past but these are my "growing pains" I guess...

What was the point in meeting up with him at all?! Why did it take meeting up with a guy you might have feelings for to make you realise you're happy with your bf? Surely you shouldn't need sneaking around behind your bf's back to make you realise you're happy?

It's incredibly bad form. No ifs, buts or maybes.

Firstly I wasn't sneaking.

Secondly... the problem is within me. I know I'm selfish. I know I'm immature. And in order for me to grow up and learn to be happy in a committed relationship, I need to just confront certain elements of my personality. It's like there is a can of worms in me, and if I don't dig them up I won't know what is the potential for devastation. I've never been in such a serious or committed relationship as this one, and so want to make sure my love is strong, steadfast and robust... and I know it sucks that I have to meet up with another guy to prove something to myself, but I came out feeling a lot clearer.

I'm selfish, immature and childish - yes. I'm imperfect... but I'm learning and I think I deserve a chance to grow within this relationship.

I dug up the old can of worms, and actually there was nothing there that would threaten my current relationship. I wasn't sure if I could trust myself or my feelings... because of the past, and my past behavious... now I feel like I can trust myself, I feel stronger in my rel and more committed...

Keane2baMused

OP unless you are headed for a future of an open relationship and your OH is fully agreeable and open to it I suggest you knock these little "dates" on the head for once and for all.

You're doing a lot of justifying here, if you were so sure and secure then why the need at all?

Someone will invariably end up hurt, whether you are willing to believe it or not.