Controlling parents

LegacyUser

I'm a soon to be 19 year old with over eager parents. I think this is to do with being an only child. I know that they are being loving and caring but I'm starting to be driven demented. They don't seem to understand that I am 18, most things that 18 year olds would do without question throw up red flags for my parents. If I get a text or call on my phone I'm interrogated who is it from and what are the saying. They don't think twice about strolling into my bedroom without knocking when the door is closed. I have no privacy at home. Can't leave the room to go to the bathroom with being asked "where am I going"

If I am going out with friends, even if it is not at night or drink related it's straight to google maps to print out maps of where I am going. It's overbearing .

The pudding on the cake is I worked my arse off last summer in a minimum wage job with the promise of if I could pay for a leaving cert holiday I could go. When it came to booking the holiday with my friends the topic was shot down by my parents. They didn't want me go because it was dangerous/ drinking etc

Every activity is dangerous, It seems to be a big thing for them to allow me to go to a a party in a house, if I go I'm getting texts every hour asking I'm I still there. When I get home in the wee hours it's question after question. They somehow think it's normal.

I just feel they are denying me my right of passage with my sixth year holiday and other actives considered normal for my age. Due to all of this I'm starting to avoid social occasions and making excuses for not going out.

I'm worried what's to come. My CAO choices are being highly influenced by them.
As I sit here watching RTE 1 on a Saturday night I am being asked what am I typping. I need a break.....

Ryan Mac Sweeney

Hi there
I have read your post. I am sorry to hear that. My advice to you in your situation would be to stand up for yourself and tell them that you are an adult now and that you make your own decisions. Also I believe why your parents are so overprotective is because they really care about you and love you and in relation to the leaving cert holiday maybe they are right about all the danger and drink and they are worried about something happening to you as you would often hear stories on the news about young people dying abroad and they are worried. Also if things get so bad that you just cant take it anymore the best thing would be for you to move out and maybe rent a house with a few friends. Also a summer job would be a good thing as that way you are earning a bit of money for yourself. Also dont let get on top of you and enjoy the time you have with your parents as they wont be around forever and when they die you would regret it then.

via4

I had over controlling parents. I'm older now and what ended up happening was that I made sure I could be completely independent of them so I could move and get away from all that. It's detrimental to you development. Try and get a job in the summer where you are away for longer hours / further away. Then you can say I'm staying at a friends house it's closer to work etc. Then you don't have to listen to the 20 questions. Try if possible to get out as much as possible because if your sitting in on a sat night to keep them happy you could end up stuck in a rut. Your 18 so you can go on the holiday without their permission you are an adult. If they get too much and it is affecting you mentally look into staying with another family member for a few weeks or even months. I don't mean this in a bad way but it will be like teach them a lesson sort of thing. When you do come back they will not want to start irritating you again in case you leave again so they won't be on your back as much. Others posters feel free to correct me on this advice of course but at 18 stopping you from going on a holiday is very unfair. You will only end up resenting them. Just book the holiday without saying it to them be very matter of fact. Your an adult so you are entitled to make your own decisions whether you live in their home or not. Please don't miss out on the holiday life is too short to try and please others by holding yourself back iv done that and regretted it. Best of luck.

silverharp

controllingparents wrote: »

I'm worried what's to come. My CAO choices are being highly influenced by them.

this one is important as the choice will decide a lot in the future. Are they wanting you to something outside your aptitude? or is it a tension over practical versus less practical?

retro:electro

You're 18, you're an adult. Technically they have no right to tell you what to do and intrude on your privacy like that. Are you moving away for college? If not, then you should. Move out of the house and then you can do whatever you like.

LegacyUser

I'm married to an only child.
He operated a need to know system with his parents.Gave them enough info to let them feel they knew what was going on, but didn't share everything with them.Also he had one friend thar, once they knew the friend would be with him, they were happy. (Don't know why, one is as bad as the other!!!). Can you try that?
Having said that you're right, they are being a bit overbearing.But also, it will probably ease off as you go to college and get out more.

zoobizoo

Is it more one than the other?

do they have busy social lives themselves?

Irish_Elect_Eng

The hard part of making the transition into adulthood is having to start acting like an adult. In this case you will start having to change your relationship with your parents into an adult relationship.

Think about how you communicate with them and change it.

Find out exactly what their concerns are.
Explain why they are unfounded or explain how you will mitigate their concerns.
Explain to them also that you will be moving out in the near future and before that time you will need to learn how to take care of yourself.
Make them partners in that process rather than just "the parents"
But You will need to dig in on some issues and draw some new lines. For example, accepting a lift home when offered is responsible, but you get to chose the time and place. Or, introducing your date to your parents when asked it both polite and may reduce their anxiety, but they do not get to chose who you date.

Accept 100% that parents worry, give them as little reason as possible to do so. A content parent will give you more room than a worried parent.

Ursus Horribilis

Ugh, this all sounds very suffocating. The one issue that would worry me above all of the others is your CAO choices. All the other issues you've raised are definitely problems but they're ones that will resolve themselves one way or another over time. The CAO thing is different. For that, you really don't need to have parents pushing you into a career that you don't want. Perhaps for this, you could talk to your career guidance counsellor in school? You are in a tricky position here because presumably they're the ones who are going to pay for your education. Out of curiosity, are the courses they're dictating ones that entail you continuing to live at home?

Other than that, all I can suggest is that you start standing up for yourself and establishing boundaries. There's a fine line here between being a firm adult and coming across as a stroppy teenager so be careful. I think for starters, you need to cut way down on what you tell them. You also should try to bring things around so that they'll be on your terms. Like if you go to a party, tell them that you'll text them half way through the evening to say you're safe and leave it at that. A sort of meeting them half way if you like.
Have you looked online for anything about assertiveness? That might help you. Ultimately though, you do need to move out for your own sanity. It might help your parents too.

Is there any way you could get a new lock or a spare key for your bedroom door? There are some brands (Basta comes to mind) which only have a few generic keys for their locks.

If you can't get through to them, is there a trusted relative you could confide in? Maybe an aunt or uncle might be willing to have a word with them and not make it look like you instigated it?

freshpopcorn

I do understand wje your coming from.
Just one thing when your one of your parents leaves the room does the other ask where are they going. I know some people and they can be terrible at asking people where are they going when your about to leave the room. Same would go receding texts. Just say it private or the odd time you might say I was talking to Jack and he's fine.
As for them coming into your room. Just ask them to knock. Knocking when entering a child's room might not have being done in there day. I know it wasn't with my parents anyway.
Regarding the holiday thing. I'd just book it and tell them I'm off to where ever.
As for your CAO. You can listen to there suggestions and take wherever they have to say on board but go with what you want to do.

SarahMollie

I was an only child (suppose I technically still am, although now I'm 30 :P) and this is not normal in my experience. My best friend is the youngest of 3 and her parents still interfere in her life (and her siblings too) so its not necessarily down to being an only child.

As a PP mentioned about her husband, I operated on a need to know basis with my parents and they never pushed me on anything. That said, although I'm sure I had the odd moment, I was generally a good kid/teen so they'd little to worry about with me.

I think you should try to talk to your parents. Tell them that although you appreciate their care and attention, you're now over 18 and want to have more control over your own life. Perhaps agree some parameters for now until the end of the school year, and then agree to talk again after you're finished your leaving.

IMO as a college student, you should be able to pretty much come and go as you please once you're being respectful of the home. Perhaps you should look at CAO options that require you to put a bit of distance between yourself and your parents.

Explain to them that if you're never allowed to stand on your own two feet, that you'll never grow into the person you're capable of being. Say that because of the happy and safe childhood that you've had, you're now at the point where you're able to spread your wings, and ask that the step back a bit to allow you that opportunity.

Approaching them calmly and respectfully is the only way to convince them that you've changed from a child to an adult.

Aye Bosun

I'm going to take another look at this. While you are technically an adult, are you actually an adult yet? By this I mean are you paying rent to live in the house? Do you pay your share of the bills? Do you do your fair share of the cleaning? Do you do your own laundry? Do your parent pay towards your tuition or any other costs for you? do they give you lifts places? do they get you up in the morning?

I had what I thought at the time were very controlling parents, I could have written your op myself 20 years ago. There is a very simple solution to your predicament..move out, pay your way, don't rely on them for anything. I did and it was the best thing I ever did. Moved out at 19 got a place with a mate, paid my rent and bills and studied full time too. It's not easy but if you want your freedom it is the easiest way to gain this, you will never be truly a self sufficient adult until you do this. I was sick of the line..under my roof, my rules!

I now have a great relationship with my folks, for a few years after i moved out I managed very closely what my parents knew about my life, basically they only ever heard about the things that would make them proud, the rest was not their business unless I needed there help or support they didn't know.

Big Bag of Chips

For your entire life, your parents have brought you up. They just haven't realised yet that their job is almost finished! I get the holiday thing! I do. I never did it myself, and I know I will hate the thought of my children doing it when their time comes. One of my kids will have just turned 17 doing their leaving so I certainly would be very worried about them going off!!

The CAO thing, again I assume they are pushing courses in a nearby college? So that you won't have to move out? It's all well and good people saying "you're 18, you're an adult" etc. But you're not really. Yes, legally you're an adult but you are still very much dependent on your parents, financially and practically. So going away to college, you are probably not in a position to fully support yourself for 4 years?

There's no easy solution to this. You are the one who is changing. You are becoming an adult. Your parents will always be your parents. You just won't always be their "child". So it's now up to you to mould the new adult/adult relationship. While the temptation can be there to stamp your foot and say "I'm going, and you can't stop me"... That's not very mature! And will further their belief that you are a child. So you need to start taking a really REALLY deep breath, and talking them through their worries.

A bit of flattery should work a bit of magic for you! Tell them they've done a good job raising you to be sensible and level headed. You have worked and saved your money. You don't cause them trouble. You don't get into trouble. You have a sensible head on your shoulders thanks to them..... You know the kind of stuff I mean They have no reason to change, unless you're 35 and still living at home and ringing them looking for lifts, then they'd probably be glad to see the back of you! So if they don't need to change, you do. You need to change how you view them, how you communicate with them. It's a pain, no doubt, but it IS up to you to steer in the next direction. Looking after you and ensuring your safety is all they've ever known. They know you're almost 19... But you're still their child. In their eyes it's not all that long ago that you were 10!

dudara

I am the oldest child, and by a good few years too, so I am familiar with some of the experiences you are having, though thankfully not that badly. My parents genuinely meant the very best in the world for me, and repeating that to myself stopping me from blowing up many times

I took a bit of a long term view to dealing with my parents. I knew that once I started college, I could start to live my own life without less of the comments. It wasn't immediate, but earning my own money and moving away from home at 18 helped. I also told them the minimum that they needed to know. I reckoned that if they didn't know about it, they couldn't worry about it. And I think that once they saw I was living life as an adult, they eased off as well. We both had to adjust to the new dynamic.

eviltwin

I think you need to have a frank and honest talk with them. None of their behaviour is normal. I have a kid your age, I don't think I've ever asked her who she was texting or why she was leaving a room and I certainly didn't have any input in her CAO choices.

That level of interest is not healthy for either you or them. Part of being a parent is realising when you have to start letting go, it's about trusting you've raised your children to be independent and sensible. Eventually you will move on and they won't have that level of input into your activities and they need to start making plans for that or they are really going to struggle.

Be firm, you're not asking for anything unreasonable here. It's easy to say move out but it's not an option for most students and I don't think it's going to help them. They need to start making a life outside of the OP.

If you only take one thing from all the comments make sure you choose courses that you want. You can't live the life someone else has chosen for you, you have to find your own path. Good luck.

valoren

A former work colleague told me that his parents were also overbearing. He too is an only child.
He mentioned this when he was in his mid 30's.

It got to the point where he started work in Dublin and his parents hired a personal investigator at one point to effectively spy and report back to them on his whereabouts. They were a well to do family. Being a religious family, he had no interest, yet he would still go to Sunday mass as he would be interrogated on the phone about what the gospel was etc. To me it sounded like he had made his peace with this arrangement and made light of what was a seriously extreme invasion of his privacy.

I mention this to highlight an extreme example of overbearing parents.
You seem pretty level headed. It seems like it's time to discuss this openly with your parents.

They need to understand that you are an adult now. You are entitled to have your privacy respected. That they need to understand that you have the common sense of an adult and are capable of conducting yourself with good conscience. My guess is that the response would be a guilt trip along the lines of 'after all we've done for you' or 'we're only for your own good'. Before you have the talk, write those phrases down on a piece of dated paper and keep it in your pocket. If they do say that then produce the paper. It might help them to see how brainwashed into being overly protective they actually are. They are effectively micro managing your life. It's not healthy for you.

LegacyUser

Hi op here, thanks for the all help.
With the CAO my parents are picking flaws in a number of courses I'm looking at. They are telling me "that's not something you'd enjoy" these are for courses that are local to me, but I'm considering leaving home for a course. The problem is I don't think I'd be able to support myself financially.

I can't book a holiday as they have taken my passport off me in case I was to book it. I'd still love to go despite the cost of flights skyrocketing.

I know my parents want what's best for me and it's a good relationship I have with them, I appreciate all that they have done for me.

As one poster said about "my house my rules" this is something I hear daily. It's infuriating!! I'm respectful of the home but I'm just looking for them to take a step back. Hopefully after the leaving cert they will back off.

I tried speaking to them using the advice from this thread but they didn't really take it seriously and seem to be taking the p!ss about the issue in the past few days.

I don't pay rent per say, but I'm not selfish. If I'm out and food needs purchasing I will pick it up without expecting to get paid.

This, with the stress of the leaving cert is getting to me but it's been very reassuring reading all of the advise. Thanks all!

Merkin

I'm actually speechless that you are nearly 19 and your parents have confiscated your passport. :eek: Not only is it classed as theft but it's also control freakery of the worst order. They are obviously completely unreasonable and unresponsive so I think I'd apply to the passport office saying you've lost your passport, I'd book myself a holiday and I'd phone them from the airport. They actually need a boot up the arse in order to cop on as reasonable discussion doesn't seem to work with them.

I'd also apply for CAO courses where you don't have to live at home. Your wings have been clipped long enough and you need to start forging your own way.

freshpopcorn

Have you any idea where the passport is?
I'd have a root around when you get a chance and take it back and if this didn't work I'd just apply for a new passport!
Think about where they might hide it. Chances are they probably have it with there's and they won't be checking it the whole time.

Big Bag of Chips

I agree with Merkin. Sort out your passport. Get a new one. Report it as lost. Have it delivered to a friend's house and go on the holiday. Have lifts to the airport sorted. Have a suitcase packed in your friends house. Tell them nothing about it until the morning you are going. Tell them nothing until you are at the airport (your destination airport!!) There's being overprotective, and then there's being interfering.

Your parents are interfering.

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

controllingparent wrote: »

Hi op here, thanks for the all help.
With the CAO my parents are picking flaws in a number of courses I'm looking at. They are telling me "that's not something you'd enjoy" these are for courses that are local to me, but I'm considering leaving home for a course. The problem is I don't think I'd be able to support myself financially.

I can't book a holiday as they have taken my passport off me in case I was to book it. I'd still love to go despite the cost of flights skyrocketing.

I know my parents want what's best for me and it's a good relationship I have with them, I appreciate all that they have done for me.

As one poster said about "my house my rules" this is something I hear daily. It's infuriating!! I'm respectful of the home but I'm just looking for them to take a step back. Hopefully after the leaving cert they will back off.

I tried speaking to them using the advice from this thread but they didn't really take it seriously and seem to be taking the p!ss about the issue in the past few days.

I don't pay rent per say, but I'm not selfish. If I'm out and food needs purchasing I will pick it up without expecting to get paid.

This, with the stress of the leaving cert is getting to me but it's been very reassuring reading all of the advise. Thanks all!

For a start, denying an adult access to a passport is a criminal offence, unless by judicial order.

I sounds like your parents want what's best for them, not what's best for you - id make this point to them. Sit them down make the point that your an adult and need space as such. Yes you may make mistakes, that's part of life. But toy need then to be supportive of the decisions you make.

Also ask them questions: if they feel a CAO course is not right for you ask them why they think that? Maybe they have a point, but aren't making it very well.

groovyg

christ Op I thought my mam was overprotective not allowing me out to discos during my teens but yours take the biscuit! Thats crazy behaviour. Don't let them dictate what course you do in college, its a recipe for disaster. You could defer for a year and work to save up enough money financially but that would probably mean living with your folks for another year. Also don't be staying in on Saturday nights to watch RTE 1!!! go out with your friends if you avoid the nights out at the weekends just to avoid agro with your folks you'll end up with no friends or they'll eventually stop inviting you along.

bp

They took your passport??? That is OTT! Apply for a new one change your CAO and live your life.

I know they are your parents and they love you but as a parent (of young children granted) I am proud when they show independence from me.

Book flights asap. Get a job and pay rent, then you are a tenant and have rights. Go out on nights with friends, you are only young once

Big Bag of Chips

I take it you don't have a cheque book, or credit card. You can get a bank draft from the bank for money you need to book flights. I think the post office still do postal orders? You can also order your passport through the post office I think using passport express. So once you have the cash you don't need your parents credit card to book anything. You can call the airline directly and book.

I am a parent, and I was one parent on here at the start saying I understand where your parents are coming from.. but they're going too far. At 18 or 19 I might strongly try to persuade my children against something.. but I can't imagine I'd ever go so far as to physically deny them the right (hiding their passport).

I'm not surprised that they are almost ridiculing you. They don't see you as an adult. They don't see you as a young adult. They see you as a clueless child who has notions about himself. Organise this trip for yourself without any input from your parents. It will do you the world of good to prove to yourself that you are in fact capable!

pgj2015

I agree with the above posters about booking the holiday and don't tell them until you are in Ibiza or wherever you decide to go.

coolcat63

Taking your passport is ridiculous. Is there an uncle or aunt you can talk to who will make them see sense? With this behaviour they will do the one thing they fear the most - lose you.

FTA69

Please don't allow them to deprive you of this trip and hide your passport; I'm not being alarmist but you'll regret it for the rest of your life if you do.

Eric Cartman

pgj2015 wrote: »

I agree with the above posters about booking the holiday and don't tell them until you are in Ibiza or wherever you decide to go.

I wouldnt even tell them where you are when your there, it sounds like theyd fly iver to find you or call the local police to find you. Just send a text "im on holiday , i will be back in x days, i am alright, good luck"

Op , apply to a college far away that has lots of accomodation and offers a distance grant for the price of it (UL, UCC , NUI Maynooth would be my suggestions.) Fill out your cao however you want. Do you know any friends that have already moved out of home , or a mate whos parents are really sound ? , get all your post sent there instead. This is just madness

Faith

My parents were quite controlling, although nothing close to the degree of the OP. I wanted to go to college in the UK (to get away!) and they were strongly against it. They told me straight out that they wouldn't support me. I decided I was fine with having to work while I studied to support myself, so I applied to the colleges and courses that I wanted. I got accepted, and by the time I left, they had totally changed their tune when they realised they could no longer control me with threats.

I'm not saying your parents will do that, OP, but at some stage you need to grow a pair and stand up to them. Otherwise, this is what your life will be like forever. I hate it when I see people passively letting life sh*t on them without fighting back so please don't do that. Get your passport back, either by reclaiming it or getting a new one. Whatever about the holiday, PLEASE apply for the courses and colleges you want and get the hell away from that house. Any time your parents try to force something on you, say "Thanks for your input. I'll take it on board" and then just do your own thing. Stop giving them so much information! If they ask about your CAO form, just say something vague like "I'm still undecided" until youve submitted it.

LegacyUser

I know! I tried to get a passport card but they clocked onto that aswell. Unfortunately the price of the holiday has skyrocketed. I've been told if I book a holiday I won't have a place to stay when I return.....

On the college front I'm going to my guidance teacher on Tuesday to talk out my options of colleges outside my area. What sort of money would I need to support myself on a day to day bases if I was going to a college such as UCC? I understand that on campus accommodation is <€5,000. I don't want to move out only to end up crawling back a few months later.
I just need to be free....

LegacyUser

I would advise you to start standing up to your parents. At this stage I would tell them you want your passport back as you are going on holidays. I would also chat to aunt/uncle/family freind and let them know what is going on re the holiday and your CAO choices and that they are treating you like a child.

I would not just do a course because it is in the college nearest home and it suits your parents. The truth is it is time for you to make your own choices and to start living your own life. Yes you could make some mistakes but we all do and we learn from them. I will tell you about 2 freinds of mine.

I have an ex-friend who was in a similar position to you. Her mother is a very domineering woman and what mammy said went.
She did the course her mother said to do in the nearest college which she hated. She left this course to start at an entry level job in company x. She did extra qualifications part time and worked her way up in company x. She hated working in company x but stayed in it due to her mother. She got reduncy after working here for over 20 years and was lucky to get another job as her training was all just in one area. She is still living at home with her elderly mother wanting to know her every move despite being over 40 years of age.

I have another friend who was in a similar postion to you but they stood up to there parents eventually. They moved away and had there own life. Even now despite moving back to the area they grew up in they don't tell there parents and family everything that is going on in there lives. My friend said to me they don't need to know everthing about my life or about the plans I am making now.

At this stage you can be person a or b like above. Ask yourself were do you want to be in 12 months time - going to the local college with you mother ringing you 10 times a day and asking you who you were with/where are you/what time will you be home ect?
What happens if you met a man or woman that you are interested in - how will you explain mammy ringing you all the time?
If you leave home to go college you can have your own life. You can tell a certain amount of information but they won't and don't need to know every move that you make.

deisemum

I think they're a disgrace and the sort that give parents a bad name. Their behaviour towards you is extreme and not normal.

For your own sanity pick a course that you really want preferably one away from them. I can only imagine what you've posted is only the tip of the iceberg regarding their behaviour towards you. Questioning you every time you leave a room is just weird but to steal your passport to prevent you from travelling is very controlling behaviour and not normal.

You have to live your life and it's very important to choose a course that suits you not them. I'm the mother of a 20 year old college student who's heading off to the US on the J1 in less than 2 weeks and an 18 year old LC student who'll be heading off on his post LC Santa Ponsa holiday and while I'll be worried about them I'm also glad that they're starting to live their lives.

Big Bag of Chips

They are bluffing about you not having a place to come home too. People like them are all about appearances and wanting to give off the appearance of being the perfect happy family, with the perfect son. If you can still afford it go on the holiday. Tell them "Johnny's mother" has said you can stay with them until you go away to college etc....

They will be horrified at 1, the thoughts of you living somewhere not under their control but more importantly 2, the thoughts that someone might know they kicked you out for going on a holiday.. the same holiday that "Johnny" was allowed go on!

Or tell them you accept that they don't want you to go, and that they will kick you out when you come back, but you will take your chances on finding somewhere else to stay. Have you any relations who you could stay with? Who have an idea what they are like? If you can still just about afford it... Do it. You have done what they want for long enough. There will always be something they don't want you to do. You have to start standing up to them at some point.

Sapphire

At the rate its going, as soon as you find your feet in Uni and get a job that helps support yourself, they wont see you for dust. You'll graduate and not bother to visit, or even tell them what is going on in your life. This is bigger than just a holiday.

Do they know that the situation is heading that way and that they are the ones driving that? I wonder if you spell it out this way, would it make any difference?

I know someone who would not stop interfering in her son's life, no matter how often she was told. He's married now, and they are minimal contact with her. She's heartbroken that she gets to see her grandkids only about twice a year despite them living nearby and she never gets them unsupervised. She was the last to know that her son was seriously ill too. She is totally frozen out and seemingly baffled as to why. But I remember back when they tried, really tried, to explain to her they needed their own space from her and there was no telling her, so its understandable they are basically no contact with her.

Ursus Horribilis

You're cutting it very fine if you're to have a passport in time. The Passport Express site says 15 working days... I see too that An Post have a mail minder service where they'll hold onto any post that's meant for you and allow you to collect it from them yourself. It's nearly €50 though. I wonder would the threat of going to the Gardaí to make a complaint about them withholding your passport hold any water?

Unfortunately, standing up to your parents is going to be extremely tough and traumatic. You're not at a good time of your life - you're still in a position where you're financially dependent on them and that's the hold they have over you. But if you stand your ground and hold your nerve, you'll be all the better for it. If the worst comes to the worst, you can fund your way through college. It's not going to be easy of course but it is doable. I wonder if you contacted the student union in one of the colleges you're hoping to go to, would they be able to help and advise? I have a feeling that they're bluffing but it's going to be a high stakes game of chicken.

I know that you would love to go on this holiday but if you don't, the world isn't going to end. Take it from me - in a few years time you'll be struggling to remember the names of the people who were in your class. You've got bigger fish to fry. To me, getting yourself onto a college course that involves moving away from home is far more important and far-reaching than a blow-out with people you'll not be in touch with in 5 years time.

As has been suggested already, do you have any aunts or uncles you could confide in? In many families, a brother or sister still can take their sibling aside and say things to them that a friend never will.

Typer Monkey

Odus fell down wrote: »

You're cutting it very fine if you're to have a passport .

Just as an aside to all the excellent advice above, passport express is currently taking 6 weeks

Princess Consuela Bananahammock

controllingparent! wrote: »

I know! I tried to get a passport card but they clocked onto that aswell. Unfortunately the price of the holiday has skyrocketed. been told if I book a holiday I won't have a place to stay when I return.....
.

This is interesting. Why would they be so adamant as to threaten you? This implies that they aren't acting out of concern, but out of fear of losing you.

If this is the case (and you REALLY need to find out if it is) then simple reassurance may be all they need. You will, after all, be coming back.

If, however, they continue to try and control, you need to be blunt and point out that they may risk losing not only control but any chance of a positive relationship in the future.

Rachiee

Book the holiday. Some countries you don't need a passport to get into do you have any other id. Provisional drivers licence etc. They'll probably give you the passport when they see you mean it but if they continue to withhold you can get an emergency one 48hrs before the flight. Which incidently you need a gardaí stamp for ( maybe if you tell your parents that they'll cop on)
Re college can you get an after school job this year and start saving it sounds really important that you move out. I lived off the maintenance grant in college because I couldn't get work it's tight but do-able. Again once they see your serious theyll probably change their tune.

retro:electro

I'm going to go against the grain and suggest that you don't book the holiday. Would you really enjoy it? You would be over there racked with guilt, worrying and wondering what kind of an environment you're going to be coming home to. Also your parents would take this as their opportunity to rifle through all of your stuff in your room. You need to sort out the bigger issue here and park the holiday for now; you're young, there will be other holidays. What needs the most immediate attention now is the fact that you're an adult and they're effectively holding you hostage in your own home, that may sound dramatic but essentially it's what they're doing. Do you know that you could ring the guards if you wanted to and have them call to the house and get your passport back? Your parents holding it from you is an offence. Is there anyone you could talk to about this? An aunt, uncle, cousin? Is your guidance counsellor at school any good?
You need to get out of the house and away from the situation. Re college fees, are you entitled to a grant? Would you get a part time job somewhere? Honestly I think the holiday is a minor symptom of a bigger problem here. I wish you luck.

Merkin

controllingparent! wrote: »

I know! I tried to get a passport card but they clocked onto that aswell. Unfortunately the price of the holiday has skyrocketed. I've been told if I book a holiday I won't have a place to stay when I return.....

On the college front I'm going to my guidance teacher on Tuesday to talk out my options of colleges outside my area. What sort of money would I need to support myself on a day to day bases if I was going to a college such as UCC? I understand that on campus accommodation is <€5,000. I don't want to move out only to end up crawling back a few months later.
I just need to be free....

How did they clock on to the fact you tried to get a passport card? I'm curious.

You should look at completing a UCAS form as well, I think going to Uni in the UK may really allow you to spread your wings at last. I did my degree there and thoroughly enjoyed it. In fact my fees were completely covered and were not means tested, I am not sure if this is still the case for EU students but something you should explore.

athtrasna

Merkin wrote: »

How did they clock on to the fact you tried to get a passport card? I'm curious.

You should look at completing a UCAS form as well, I think going to Uni in the UK may really allow you to spread your wings at last. I did my degree there and thoroughly enjoyed it. In fact my fees were completely covered and were not means tested, I am not sure if this is still the case for EU students but something you should explore.

It's only free in Scotland now as far as I know but I totally agree. I did my undergrad in the UK (for several reasons but not family reasons) and it was the making of 17 year old me. Where I went you were guaranteed on campus accommodation for two years and that really helped.

Ursus Horribilis

I wonder could you also get your hands on a form for moving to Australia and leaving it lying around in your room?

LaLa2004

Try to settle down to some study, despite this oppressive atmosphere in your home. Your LC is your ticket out of there.

Faith

Merkin wrote: »

How did they clock on to the fact you tried to get a passport card? I'm curious.

You should look at completing a UCAS form as well, I think going to Uni in the UK may really allow you to spread your wings at last. I did my degree there and thoroughly enjoyed it. In fact my fees were completely covered and were not means tested, I am not sure if this is still the case for EU students but something you should explore.

Yep, I studied in Scotland and the fees were totally paid for. Outside of Edinburgh and Glasgow, it's a pretty cheap place to live too. However, I think the UCAS application deadline was quite some time ago.

OP, serious question: are you actually willing to stand up to your parents? People here are giving you great advice, but it is a tough thing to do. Would you rather stand up to them, deal with the fallout and prepare for the worst, or would you rather just put up with them for the sake of an easy life?

LegacyUser

Op here again:
I've put up with an easy life for too long at this stage.... I'm fed up avoiding things just to keep the peace with my parents. I'm utterly sick of "our house our rules". If I am out with my friends for a night out my parents won't allow stay and one of their houses. Would be easier due to location etc etc. But nope not allowed. I can't believe im 19 in two weeks and can't live my own life, My only relationship with my past girlfriend lasted weeks due to me trying to appease my parents regarding where/what I was doing. I'm filled with regrets. I don't want to be in the same position 4 years down the line when I'm leaving college.

The poster who said the holiday is just the tip of the ice berg is 100% correct. It's the day to day situation that is slowly killing me.

Recently I have tried to become more private and secretive with my parents but unfortunately they think that my behaviour is strange. If I don't tell the specific time I'm going somewhere I'm being "disruptive" and they think something is amiss. I know how lucky I am to have a home, food , warmth, etc but I just feel trapped.

A recent develop is I've been offered the opportunity to work in a petrol station in a central location for the summer. My parents are furious at me for applying and have told me I'm not allowed to take the job because it's a "dangerous" due to the threat of being robbed while working at the till. I'm starting to become afraid of the trying new things.....

Here I am crying about the situation at almost 1am in the morning, what is life.....

Big Bag of Chips

Can you get to the petrol station without their help? If you can take the job. It will be wonderful for you. Yes, the place could be robbed, but if you queue up in the post office to buy stamps you could be caught up in a robbery too. Or if you go into a shop to buy a packet of crisps. Or go into the bank for something. If you cross the road you might get knocked down by a joyrider.

Chances are on a day to day basis these things aren't going to happen. Nobody would ever do anything if we were to worry about all the "what ifs". Take the job. Make your own way there. Keep your head down, don't let your parents know much. You are going to have to grow up at some stage - and they are going to have to accept you are growing up at some stage. The alternative is you will still be there is 20 years time, no girlfriend, no job and only allowed on the holidays they bring you on.

Ursus Horribilis

Nobody said it was going to be easy to stand up to your parents. It's going to be extremely tough for you and you'll be shaken to the core. But you're going to have to stick to your guns over some issue and learn how to say no to them. It's a great life skill to have anyway - the ability to say no and to do things on your terms. You're learning to your cost that bending over backwards and appeasing them has cost you fun times with your friends, a holiday, a possible relationship and maybe a job. If you take this job in the filling station what exactly can they do to you? Imprison you in your own home?

groovyg

bizarre behaviour from your parents, you have to live your life and try new things otherwise as the other poster said you'll end up unemployed, no friends, no job and just having your parents. Are your folks living in the real world because they seem to live a very sheltered existence shops get robbed, people have car accidents, people get their bags snatched, cars get broken into, houses get broken into etc its not nice when it happens but thats life. What do they expect you to do for the summer sit on your backside and hang out with them!!

Magicmatilda

Wow OP, I am truly horrified by your situation. It is a form of domestic abuse both emotional and financial.

As has been previously said is there any trusted adult you can ask for help? An aunt, uncle, grandparent, friend's parent? I know it is embarrassing and difficult and you might feel guilty for "telling on your parents" but I think at this point given your dependency on them it is the only option. Do you have any siblings?

What are you current CAO choices and do you want to change them? If so you would need to do pretty promptly, the change of mind deadline in 1 July.

Would it be possible to try and get a job for a year in a city you want to study in and then save some funds to go to college next year?

It would also be worth speaking to someone in Citizens information or a community welfare officer. Once you have left school you may be entitle to social assistance of some form and they may be able to help.

You sound like such a good guy with a good head on your shoulders and you parents sound truly awful!

Maybe set up a gofundme page to get out of the situation! Mad idea but could possibly work!

Ursus Horribilis

Are there any counselling services available to students in your school? A poster stuck up on the notice boards? Failing that, have a look at www spunout.ie. One of the services they offer is counselling. It might help you deal with your parents better if you have a one to one chat with a counsellor first and perhaps come up with some tools and coping mechanisms. They can do it over the phone though in person would be better. You've come to us to ask for help which is great. Unfortunately the only person who can help you is you. Nobody else is going to step in on your behalf and tell your parents No. As you've alluded to, you're already starting to get scared of things too. You're going to have to stop that rot and do it soon.

Ursus Horribilis

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Maybe set up a gofundme page to get out of the situation! Mad idea but could possibly work!

I agree with all of your above post apart from this. It has the potential to go viral and that is the last thing the op needs.