Group Exercise

Fuzzytrooper

I came across an interesting creative writing exercise for groups. Everyone in the group takes the same scene and writes from the perspecive of a different actor. If we take the moon landing as an example, one person might describe it from the perspective of one of the astronaughts while another might write as one of the mission controllers back on earth.

So any takers? I'm thinking of very short pieces - no more than 100 words. If people are interested then possibly sign up in this thread and I'll assign roles and the scene. This wouldnt' be a competition, more like some creative fun.

Mr E

I'll give it a go.

Fuzzytrooper

One or two more people and we'll give it a whirl.

echo beach

Count me in as well.

Fuzzytrooper

Ok the scene is as follows:

17 year old Jimmy McGee has been told to rob a petrol station at gunpoint as part of a gang initiation. The cashier fights back and in the struggle Jimmy is shot (not fatally). There is one other person in the petrol station, our innocent bystander - 10 year old Annie Hutchinson. Police arrest Jimmy and escort him to the local hospital.

Actors:
Mr E: Jimmy McGee
echo beach: Annie Hutchinson.
Fuzzytrooper: Garda John Power

100 word limit. Let's try to have our submissions in by end of day tomorrow (Saturday).

As this is not competitive just post your piece in this thread.

Mr E

What are we writing about? The crime? The fight? The hospital?

100 words isn't a lot...

Fuzzytrooper

It's all a matter of perspective. For example, Garda John Power wouldn't have witnessed the fight so his piece would cover arriving to find Jimmy lying on the floor bleeding out and calling for an ambulance. Annie may have witnessed the fight or only heard the gunshot. She also wouldn't have had any dealings beyond the petrol station. Think about the pieces of the scene that your character interacts with and see where that takes you.

I set the limit at 100 words as people (myself included) have struggled to get even a flash piece in, but we can remove the limit and see how we get on.

echo beach

Perhaps instead of a word limit we should have a time limit, say 20-30 mins (which is about as long as I have to spend on it), and see what we come up with in that time.

Fuzzytrooper

echo beach wrote: »

Perhaps instead of a word limit we should have a time limit, say 20-30 mins (which is about as long as I have to spend on it), and see what we come up with in that time.

Interesting... I'm up for that. Let's give that a go and see how we get on.

Mr E

Jimmy sat in the car trying to psyche himself up. It was Saturday night so he had 2FM on full blast in the car, dance music blaring out the window. He drummed along to the beat on the steering wheel. Fluorescent light bathed the forecourt and he tried to make out who was behind the counter tonight. It would be either the old woman, the teenage girl with the blue hair or the middle aged guy with the walking stick. He couldn’t see from his vantage point, but it didn’t matter. The gang told him to go now, so he had no choice.

Patting his tracksuit pocket, he felt the reassuring L-shape of the gun. He had never fired one before, never mind killed anyone, and he hoped that wouldn’t change tonight. It was a means to an end.

It was time to go. He turned off the radio and left the keys in the ignition, engine running. In and out in thirty seconds. He took some rapid breaths and lunged from the car, leaving the door open behind him. The automatic doors to the shop opened very slowly, taunting him. When they opened wide enough, he stepped sideways through the them and pulled out the gun. The middle aged guy with the walking stick was behind the desk and he hadn’t noticed Jimmy yet – he was serving a young girl who was buying, wait, what? Cigarettes? Jesus.

He raised the gun and walked towards the counter. The cashier looked up and his eyes widened in horror. Jimmy put on his best Batman voice and growled at the cashier, demanding the contents of the till. The man behind the counter started to comply when a shrill scream drew both of their gazes – the young girl had just realized what was happening. Jimmy looked back just in time to see a walking stick smashing into his hand. He pulled the trigger and felt a sharp pain in his gut a moment later. The bullet had ricocheted off the cigarette machine just behind the cashier and had hit him on the rebound. Fucking cigarettes. He collapsed to the ground as another shrill scream followed him into unconsciousness.

Fuzzytrooper

I was the first responder on the scene, arriving less than five minutes after the call had been placed with Emergency Services. As you can imagine my first thought was for the safety of the civilians present. While my information said that the suspect had been disarmed, I couldn't assume that would still be the case. I have found that these situations tend to be quite fluid. A lot can change in a short space of time.

There were no outward signs of a struggle at the petrol station, no bullet holes, no shattered glass, but then there rarely are. Real life crime is not normally as dramatic as Hollywood portrays. Still there was an air of tension about the place. The station's forecourt was largely empty save for a lone car sitting with the driver door open. No doubt the owner had made himself scarce when he heard the gunfire. A small crowd had started to gather down the street, curious about the noise and yet too afraid to come any closer. As per the course a number had their smartphones out to film my approach.

I moved in cautiously, my pistol drawn, eyes dashing backwards and forwards as I approached the entrance to the shop. The door slid open with a low squeak. I paused momentarily to take the scene in. The station's shop was a tiny affair, the size of a small livingroom. No aisles for bad guys to hide behind. No hidden dangers – good. Just in front of me lying in a pool of his own blood was a young man, he couldn't have been more than eighteen or twenty years old. A tough looking kid. He was the type that would make old ladies cross the street in fear, or at least he would have been had he not been in his current condition. The colour had drained from his face. His hand rested limply over a bloody patch in his side – no doubt the entry point for the bullet. I glared at the shop clerk. Why didn't he attempt even basic first aid? Civilians.

“Where's your first aid kit?” I snapped. The clerk ran behind the till probably as scared now as he had been when the gun was pulled on him. He rummaged around, and after what an agonising length of time produced the most basic of kits. It would have to do. Fortunately an ambulance was already on the way so I just had to keep the suspect stable for a few more minutes. I stuffed as many bandages as I could into the wound. The kid moaned lowly as I applied pressure. “Just a few more minutes kid, just a few more...”

echo beach

I went to the petrol station to get some sweets for me and my brother. You probably think I’m too young to be going to the shops on my own but it isn't far and you don't have to cross the road.

I was trying to decide if I would get cola bottles or a 20c mix when this guy ran into the shop. He had something over his face and he was waving a gun. He went straight to the counter and he didn’t see me. There were no cars so he didn’t think there was anybody in the shop. I knew he was a bad man and I was afraid he would hurt me so I slipped in behind the big fridge that has the ice creams.

“Hand over the money or I’ll shoot,” he said. He didn’t sound like in a film or on TV. I think he was a bit scared. Tommy was working. He is a nice man. He always puts a couple of extra sweets in the 20c mix. I didn’t want him to get hurt but I’m too small to help so I kept quiet. Then there was a fight and a big loud bang. I heard Tommy saying, “I didn’t think that bloody thing was real.” Then I heard the sirens and guards arrived and then an ambulance. That was when I peeped out from behind the fridge. The guard saw me and said, “Where did that kid come from?”

I said I was there all the time and he said I was a very brave girl and he would get my mammy to come for me but Mammy ran in then. She had heard all the noise and saw the ambulance. She was so happy when she saw I was alright. She thought I was dead. She held me so tight I could hardly breathe.

I never got my sweets.

Fuzzytrooper

I like how this turned out. Good job everyone. Now is probably a good time for feedback.

Mr E

It was fun! Thanks for setting it up. Only one little phrasing thing jumped out at me:

FuzzyTrooper wrote:

As per the course a number had their smartphones out to film my approach.

Is that the right wording? I think the term is "par for the course" in this case - apologies if I'm wrong!

http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/par+for+the+course

I'd like to participate in the next one if that's OK?

Rubecula

Really enjoyed reading through this sorry I missed it. Maybe if I am lucky I can catch the next one.

Fuzzytrooper

Mr E wrote: »

It was fun! Thanks for setting it up. Only one little phrasing thing jumped out at me:



Is that the right wording? I think the term is "par for the course" in this case - apologies if I'm wrong!

http://idioms.thefreedictionary.com/par+for+the+course

Sorry for the late reply - work was a bit nuts. You are of course correct sir. Even with the correction I don't really like that sentence in general. I'm very conscious that I tent to use 'as....' quite a lot.

Fuzzytrooper

Deleted User wrote: »

I'd like to participate in the next one if that's OK?

Definitely. I can fire up another one whenever we have enough people committed/interested.

Mr E

I'm game for Thursday or next Monday?

Fuzzytrooper

I had to get super nit-picky with this to find anything that might need a change. I particularly like the intro paragraph. It really pulls you into the scene. If I have any criticisms it would be:

Mr E wrote: »

he felt the reassuring L-shape of the gun

Something about theL-shape description doesn't really fit in with the rest of the story. There's nothing really wrong with it, it just doesn't 'feel' right if that makes sense.

Mr E wrote: »

He collapsed to the ground as another shrill scream followed him into unconsciousness.

Possibly use another adjective rather than 'shrill' for the second time, piercing/jarring/high-pitched.

Other than that I really enjoyed reading this. Good stuff!

Fuzzytrooper

echo beach wrote: »

I went to the petrol station to get some sweets for me and my brother.

I love that this was written in the first person perspective. It's like the girl is being interviewed/speaking to someone acting all innocent - 'I was just getting sweeties', whereas in MrE's piece we see that she was actually getting cigarettes. Very true to life. I also liek that you didn't dwell too much on the arrival of the gardai and the ambulance. I think that would just be a blur of noise and activity in the mind of a child.

Fuzzytrooper

Mr E wrote: »

I'm game for Thursday or next Monday?

Any time from Thursday onwards works for me.

echo beach

Fuzzytrooper wrote: »

I love that this was written in the first person perspective. It's like the girl is being interviewed/speaking to someone acting all innocent - 'I was just getting sweeties', whereas in MrE's piece we see that she was actually getting cigarettes.

Thanks for the kind words. I've never written in the voice of a child and it is more difficult than you might think to convey action in the vocabulary of a 10 year old.

It was a good exercise and being able to do it in a single short sitting makes it easier to fit into the schedule. Thanks for putting it together for us.

Fuzzytrooper

So how would people feel about another round? Any takers?

Mr E

Sure! I could do tomorrow or Thursday.

Rubecula

If I can I will do it this time around (Depending on work)

I'll give it a go if I'm around this week.

echo beach

If I can I will.

Fuzzytrooper

echo beach wrote: »

If I can I will.

OK looks like we have a few potentials. I'll put up a new thread later today

Xaracatz

I'm in if there's still space!

Fuzzytrooper

Ok so I have a scene. I've given roles to everyone who is a 'maybe' - if you don't want to participate let me know and I'll remove. New thread is up here -

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?p=99767042#post99767042

Rubecula

Done

echo beach

Rubecula wrote: »

Done

Talk about showing the rest of us up.:D
I'll be sticking in something an hour or so before the deadline.

Rubecula

HA HA HA I just rushed it through as I needed to take my meds before bed. lol

Sorry, I won't have time this week so please delete me from this round or someone else can have a go at Mary. Apologies.

Fuzzytrooper

Anyone want to take on the Mary Mantle?

Xaracatz

I'm done. Sorry - a bit late!

Haven't written anything (story-wise) since school, so be critical (but not too critical!!).

Rubecula

Xaracatz wrote: »

I'm done. Sorry - a bit late!

Haven't written anything (story-wise) since school, so be critical (but not too critical!!).

Just read it and I think it is good, certainly better than my own effort. Well done.

Xaracatz

Rubecula wrote: »

Just read it and I think it is good, certainly better than my own effort. Well done.

Thank you. Nah, I could criticise the hell out of it, but it was fun to write! Would definitely be in for the next round.

Sorry for my guy smiling at your guy taking a battering. :pac: