Narcissistic Ex

poppy_crystal

i'm separated from my ex husband who is a text book narcissist, and it is so far from an amicable separation. he is still agressive and abusive and controlling. but the problem is i'm now in a relationship, its at the stage where we either introduce the kids or go our separate ways. the only problem with the new partner is that my ex refuses to meet with him/us and because my new partner doesn't know the ex he's reluctant about moving forward. I've asked my ex nicely to meet us with his new partner for dinner, i'd even pay so that he feels as special as he thinks he should feel, but its no use, he wants to know nothing about it but i've no idea what i'm going to do, i'm on the cusp of loosing a really good man because of my ex and there seems to be nothing i can do about it. I know i'll be told to let my partner go but in every other way we have the most amazing relationship, the only trouble is that he's trying to do the right thing by me and my kids, and my ex is in the way. my ex is not happy about me introducing a new partner (its ok for him, he's done it, more than once), but thats more the fact that i'm not supposed to be happy in his eyes, nothing to do with the kids meeting someone or the partner, all of his hate is directed at me entirely. i know if i cant figure out a way around this that i will have to let him go because its hurting me so bad to be in arms length of my happy ending and just not getting there, but i dont want my ex to be the cause of my relationship ending, but i dont know what else i can do. how do i reassure my new partner or how do i manipulate my ex into doing something good for me for once. im hoping some outside perspective might help me and i've literally tried everything else and i dont know what else to do right now.

Addle

Why do you all have to meet?
Why is it so important to you?
It doesn't seem necessary to me at all.

Lavinia

Yes, how come your new bf is giving you this "ultimatum"??
You cannot make decisions for other people and if your ex does not want this your new bf will leave you???
That is really odd.
Sorry if I misunderstood. IMO it would be nice if he meets and accepts your children, your ex is no longer part of your life anyway.

poppy_crystal

i dont want to meet, i haven't dealt with my ex face to face since he moved out, my new partner would like to meet him so he can see what he's dealing with. i know it would not be a nice meet..... it is not going to lead to a nice blended family situation, but my new partner cannot understand why he is the way he is

poppy_crystal

Lavinia wrote: »

Yes, how come your new bf is giving you this "ultimatum"??
You cannot make decisions for other people and if your ex does not want this your new bf will leave you???
That is really odd.
Sorry if I misunderstood. IMO it would be nice if he meets and accepts your children, your ex is no longer part of your life anyway.

my new partner does not understand that my ex isn't part of my life, that he's only part of the kids lives once a week and not even some weeks. its all about how he will always be there but my kids are getting older, the interaction i'll have to have is getting lesser all the time but because he is there he's making it like my ex is the 3rd person in the relationship and he's not, i can go weeks without talking to my ex and ignoring abuse until i get a message that is relevant to my kids, otherwise i do not engage in anything that is not of his concern

Dial Hard

poppy_crystal wrote: »

i dont want to meet, i haven't dealt with my ex face to face since he moved out, my new partner would like to meet him so he can see what he's dealing with. i know it would not be a nice meet..... it is not going to lead to a nice blended family situation, but my new partner cannot understand why he is the way he is

Tbh, I think this is all really bizarre from your new partner. If someone told me they wanted to meet my ex husband I'd be utterly nonplussed. How long have you been going out?

You say in your first post that you don't want this relationship to end because of your ex but if this guy walks away because he can't meet your ex, he's the one causing the relationship to end, not your ex-husband.

LegacyUser

poppy_crystal wrote: »

my new partner does not understand that my ex isn't part of my life, that he's only part of the kids lives once a week and not even some weeks. its all about how he will always be there but my kids are getting older, the interaction i'll have to have is getting lesser all the time but because he is there he's making it like my ex is the 3rd person in the relationship and he's not, i can go weeks without talking to my ex and ignoring abuse until i get a message that is relevant to my kids, otherwise i do not engage in anything that is not of his concern

How exactly long have you been going out with your new partner? Usually when it comes to kids you want to be together a good while before you consider making them part of their lives so I'm wondering how this guy doesn't understand the relationship you have with your ex. Unless you've only been together a short while and are rushing things.

Yes your ex will be part of your life because of the kids but that doesn't mean he needs to be involved with any new partners beyond the basics. I wouldn't be going out for meals, a basic introduction when he calls round to collect kids is all that is needed. I wonder OP if you've built this up into a thing due to your relationship with your ex being so strained. Do you talk about him alot to your new partner and now built it up in his mind into something he needs to address for you?

Big Bag of Chips

Not being funny poppy_crystal but it looks like you moved from one controlling relationship to another. Often times this can be the case. Your current partner's ultimatum is very strange. I don't understand his need to meet your ex. His reason of he wants to know what he's dealing with?? He's dealing with nothing. He's dealing with you and will be a part of your children's lives. But he doesn't have to have anything/much to do with your ex at all. It might have been a nice idea, but once it was shut down by your ex that should have been the end of it. You are basically being bullied by your current partner to pander to your abusive ex by offering to pay for dinner for him etc? You haven't dealt with your ex face to face since splitting up, for good reason I'd imagine, but now your partner is trying to force your hand on that. I wonder if it was the other way round, if your ex was insisting on meeting your partner and your partner was refusing, who'd be getting the blame for causing problems in your relationship? Your ex is trying to control you. You're allowing it. Your partner is trying to force you into an unnecessary situation where would be incredibly uncomfortable and you are also allowing it.

I know loads of people who are in second relationships and their new partners have little or no contact with the ex. Sometimes if things are amicable things can be civil between everyone. More often, they don't! Your partner needs to realise that your family life doesn't revolve around him, and he doesn't get to waltz in and start calling the shots.

Edit: You don't need your ex's permission to introduce anyone to your children. He didn't ask yours. You are giving total control of your life to these two men! Introduce your partner if you want to. If he wants to. Maybe he's just not keen on becoming a "family man"and is using your ex as the excuse?

Have you had any sort of counselling following the breakup? I think you would benefit from it.

SterlingArcher

Personally speaking after you explaining what a douche your ex is.why on earth would your new guy want anything to do with this guy let alone seek some kind of approval from him.

The guy you are seeing should be glad you're not forcing him to meet your ex for a fake cringy let all be adults about this scenario. Because judging from your description of your ex it's going to be anything but constructive.

Hope you don't mind me saying but if new guy can't understand your reservations about this. then he is ignorant.

batmanrobin

Hi OP, your new partner seems to be the problem here. You are under no obligation to introduce him to your ex and your ex is under no obligation to meet the new guy.

I think you need to take a firmer stand with the new guy. You've told him how the ex is and that he's only a part of your life in so far as you have to talk with him re kids. I'm sorry, but he needs to take it or leave it.

Sapphire

I'd also suggest you've just swapped one form of controlling relationship for a different one.

There is no obligation to abide by your ex's wishes to not introduce your children to your partner - can you see he is still controlling you there from afar? You as their parent, can judge when that time is appropriate. No need to consult your ex or get permission from him.

There is no reason for your partner to meet your ex. And insisting on it knowing that your ex will never agree creates a deliberate stalemate, which makes no sense if he wants a relationship with you to progress. Unless this is a way for him to avoid commitment with you?

poppy_crystal

i'm seeing my new partner over a year, i've kept my children out of the scene but the minute that comes up as the logical next step, my ex becomes a huge issue with my new partner. there were huge issues during and after the break up which my new partner knows about, because when he did appear on my scene i was still dealing with guards and solicitors but the worst of all that has settled down and for the most part my dealings with my ex are just swapping access days but always kid related. if i meant as much to my new partner as he claims then my situation would be something he should be able to deal with. as for him being controlling, i dont think he is, i'm not saying that because i'm naive, i've had a LOT of counselling before during and after my marriage breaking up, i'm very conscious of what anyone says or does around me, i'm not very open with people, i keep people at arms length and i analyse absolutely everything, i'm friendly and what not but getting close to me is a lot of work and he put a lot of work into getting close to me and once you are close to me i'm open and he wanted to be wtih me and my kids, and even maybe have more together...... i've pointed out that the ex is not his problem and that not every one has these lovely ex's that are happy and want to be friends with everyone, his last 2 ex's..... one is a complete psycho and the other is another nut job, one of whom interfered with our relationship for a while at the start, and he is friends with neither one of them. going by the replies, i think there isn't anything i can do, i think i'm going to take some time, if he wants me badly enough he will be here regardless of my situation because ultimately its a relationship with me, not with my ex that is on the table

Penalty

OP listen to want people are saying above.

You seem to be blaming your ex on this situation. He may be a complete ass and horrible person but in this instance they are not the problem - your new partner is the problem. There is no need for him to meet your ex.

Great if it was that friendly and amicable but its not.

Explain you have asked for the meeting its been refused so now its up to your partner to move forward or not.

SB_Part2

You keep talking about your ex husband but he's not the issue. There is no need for your current partner to meet your ex husband.

I can see it from the opposite point of view that your ex husband might want to meet him to he know's who'll be looking after his kids but obviously this isn't the case.

poppy_crystal

true true, its probably the first time my ex hasn't been the problem, and it is my new partners problem. i think space might help both of us, if he really wants me he will get over this and if he doesn't then i will. just very disappointed in my new partner, he knew from early on that i wasn't nice and straight forward, i'm surprised that this is now a problem but it is what it is i guess

LegacyUser

The only reason I can think of that your partner wants to meet your ex would be that he is insecure, possessive and jealous that you will have this man in your life in some form because you have kids with him. And all that is controlling behaviour. And it always starts off with things like this, where you're stressed and stuck because they've made an unreasonable demand and will not back down or just trust you. It would be weird and awkward for them to meet. They never have to be in the same room together never mind meet and talk.

Put your foot down and don't be walked over on this. Your partner is showing himself to be controlling, wanting to 'mark his territory' by wanting to meet and size up your ex, which is ridiculous in a normal adult relationship. Don't get pulled into any more needless drama, I'm sure you've had enough of that for a life time.

poppy_crystal

had some discussions last night. i've asked him for space, i dont know how much better i can explain myself, i dont think i've got that much to explain, but if he cant get over whatever it is with my ex thats bothering him then i dont think i've got it in me to be trying to make it work if its going to be a problem. i think its at the point one of us needs to get over something and if he cant get over something that shouldn't be his issue then i'm going to have to get over him.

mvt

Good post above,best of luck.

Big Bag of Chips

I wonder if it's a macho thing? Does he want to meet your ex to "beat his chest" in front of him and let him know that he's not going to let him mess with you anymore? Maybe he's coming from a good place but just going arseways about it? Either way, you're doing right. He should respect your position on this. He should even respect your ex's position in not wanting to meet him. You believe nothing good can come from you all sitting around a table together, so that should be good enough. Forcing the issue is sending the message that he doesn't trust your judgement and capability of making decisions for yourself. You should never be forced into a situation that you are uncomfortable with just to appease somebody else.

If he wants to meet up with your ex, give him the number and let him away to organise it himself. Tell him he's welcome to but you won't be arranging it or joining them!

tara73

sorry to sound harsh here OP, but your current partner, to me, sounds plainly nuts.

Sure he knows what you've gone through, the stuff with guards and solicitors you mentioned, that you've no contact except for the kids and don't want any contact and he still expects you to have a couples meeting with your ex?

I'm kind of sure you need to let this man go, with htis odditiy, I can't imagine it's the only one, just seems to be a lot of trouble ahead...

smash

Your new partner sounds more controlling than your "Narcissistic Ex"

jimmycrackcorm

I think you need to explore with your new partner why it is so important for him to meet your ex. It shouldn't but perhaps he is thinking if you start getting more involved that he opening himself up to a whole set of trouble if if comes to having to cross paths if for example the ex collects the kids when he is there and you aren't?

Perhaps he might think he can make your life easier if he can meet the ex and somehow convince him that he is OK and you both can move on.

You should tell your new partner that your ex doesn't want to meet him and that the ball is now in his court.

poppy_crystal

I've no idea if it's control, macho, stupid or what he thinks it is. I know in my heart of hearts that I want my past and my present separate, my gut tells me everyone meeting wouldn't be good for anyone, there would be tension! God only knows what the current woman has been told about me for a start! I don't care, hes her problem now. I'm feeling like even if everyone was agreeable to this doomed meeting that then there will be some other issue arising. My gut is seldom wrong and my guts not happy with this one. I'm ignoring any contact today and made myself very unavailable for the weekend. I need space to clear my head, and I think it will give him a bit of time to think about what he wants. I get that it's not how he planned his life, this isn't how I planned mine either. just a shame he left things get this far before deciding he had issues.

daisybelle2008

poppy_crystal wrote: »

my ex becomes a huge issue with my new partner. there were huge issues during and after the break up which my new partner knows about, because when he did appear on my scene i was still dealing with guards and solicitors but the worst of all that has settled down

his last 2 ex's..... one is a complete psycho and the other is another nut job,

So early days your ex was a massive feature of your relationship, if you were still dealing with a messy break up you were not ready for another relationship and looks like he saw himself as rescuing you. That's not a good dynamic. All your talk of having your guard up and your messy breakup aftermath, controlling relationship history, screams of a broken bird wanting to be fixed. That's what probably attracted your new partner to you. That's why he needs the ex drama in his relationships.

Btw If someone tells you that all their exes are psycho nut jobs run a mile, they are the common denominator and either they are incredibly unlucky (:rolleyes:) or they are very poor relationship material. I'd always assume the later and run.

CaraMay

Yeah never trust someone who chooses such bad partners - he's saying they are nuts so what does that say about him

stoplooklisten

it sounds to me like he may want to be with you, but not your children and is using you ex as an excuse every time you mention meeting them

Emme

poppy_crystal wrote: »

if i meant as much to my new partner as he claims then my situation would be something he should be able to deal with

If you meant as much to your new partner as claims then he wouldn't be making such a big deal about meeting your ex.

poppy_crystal wrote: »

his last 2 ex's..... one is a complete psycho and the other is another nut job, one of whom interfered with our relationship for a while at the start, and he is friends with neither one of them

I was going to ask did you meet his ex but you have already met one in not very good circumstances. Have you met the other? Do you want to? If you did would he be willing to let you meet her?

I consider it a bad sign if a man speaks badly of more than one ex. Indeed, it can be a sign of a narcissist. If he met with your ex and he started telling your new bf that you were psycho how would your new bf react? Narcs can appear very reasonable and rational and can argue their twisted points of view very well.

I'm not saying your new bf is a narcissist but he definitely sounds controlling and jealous. I think you are very wise to take some space and time out from the relationship. You need to focus on your recovery and that of your children before getting seriously involved in another relationship.

poppy_crystal

the last few days of space are telling lots, i've heard nothing from him, he hasn't tried to see me, guess thats a wrap then!

CaraMay

poppy_crystal wrote: »

the last few days of space are telling lots, i've heard nothing from him, he hasn't tried to see me, guess thats a wrap then!

That's good.

Big Bag of Chips

Don't be too quick to write him off. You asked him for space. He's not a mind reader. He didn't know that "I need space" means "what I actually want is for you to chase me and let me know that you really want me, and will do whatever you can to keep me".

You need to talk to each other. Truthfully and honestly. I get the impression neither of you are being completely honest with the other.

woodchuck

poppy_crystal wrote: »

the last few days of space are telling lots, i've heard nothing from him, he hasn't tried to see me, guess thats a wrap then!

Er yeah... you told him you need space, so he's giving it to you? I'm not saying I think you should stay with this guy (I'm seeing controlling behaviour like other posters), but don't play games.

tara73

poppy_crystal wrote: »

the last few days of space are telling lots, i've heard nothing from him, he hasn't tried to see me, guess thats a wrap then!

yeah, thinking the same as poster above, you asked him to give you space, that's obviously what he's doing. but now you expect him to contact you...sorry, that's a bit twisted from your side.

If you had enough space and you want to be in contact with him again, it's your part to contact him.

poppy_crystal

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

Don't be too quick to write him off. You asked him for space. He's not a mind reader. He didn't know that "I need space" means "what I actually want is for you to chase me and let me know that you really want me, and will do whatever you can to keep me".

You need to talk to each other. Truthfully and honestly. I get the impression neither of you are being completely honest with the other.

well going from what i have been hearing through the grape vine, honest he has not been..... i think i'm best off keeping my distance now. clearly i didn't mean a whole lot to him and there was more going on that just my ex

Big Bag of Chips

"Hearing through the grapevine" is still not talking to him though. You should always be careful of second hand information.

As others have said, I'm not saying you should stay with this fella, but when you started the thread a few days ago, he was wonderful, you were cautious, your ex was the main problem. And now suddenly you've asked him for space and are upset because he gave it to you. Maybe he IS a dick. Maybe you are better off away from him and maybe there is no point trying to talk to him because he won't be honest anyway. But you sound completely confused and unsure of yourself.

I think you need to learn to be happy on your own before you can be happy with someone else. You obviously are vulnerable to abusive/controlling men. And even on this thread alone your opinion and position swayed completely from your original standpoint once other people started offering their opinion.

You sound like a lovely, woman, with a brain and a good head on your shoulders. Trust YOURSELF. If something doesn't feel right to you, then you shouldn't feel pressured into it. You've survived a bad marriage and are coping very well with your children. Have confidence in yourself. Have confidence in your choices. You're doing a good job so far. Once you know what YOU want, you will achieve it. You don't need a partner making your decisions for you.

Good luck. I'm sorry he didn't turn out to be as wonderful as you first thought. But at least you found out before your children got involved.

poppy_crystal

Big Bag of Chips wrote: »

"Hearing through the grapevine" is still not talking to him though. You should always be careful of second hand information.

As others have said, I'm not saying you should stay with this fella, but when you started the thread a few days ago, he was wonderful, you were cautious, your ex was the main problem. And now suddenly you've asked him for space and are upset because he gave it to you. Maybe he IS a dick. Maybe you are better off away from him and maybe there is no point trying to talk to him because he won't be honest anyway. But you sound completely confused and unsure of yourself.

I think you need to learn to be happy on your own before you can be happy with someone else. You obviously are vulnerable to abusive/controlling men. And even on this thread alone your opinion and position swayed completely from your original standpoint once other people started offering their opinion.

You sound like a lovely, woman, with a brain and a good head on your shoulders. Trust YOURSELF. If something doesn't feel right to you, then you shouldn't feel pressured into it. You've survived a bad marriage and are coping very well with your children. Have confidence in yourself. Have confidence in your choices. You're doing a good job so far. Once you know what YOU want, you will achieve it. You don't need a partner making your decisions for you.

Good luck. I'm sorry he didn't turn out to be as wonderful as you first thought. But at least you found out before your children got involved.

thank you. i think it might be time to start on the bucket list! i've got time on my hands now lol