Would you stay with someone who lies

Struggling

I'm with my OH almost a decade. But for that decade there has been lies. Continuous lies. I always told myself they weren't worth breaking up over but I'm at the point now where I am terrified of where the next one is going to come from. The latest one is that I found an item of clothing that they told me they had returned to the shop for a refund months ago. I just found the item. None of the lies are life or death situations but they are lies none the less. I tell my OH that a small lie just makes me doubt everything else but they just get angry with me. I am going out of my mind part of me just wants rid to start again fresh with someone who respects me and part of me is just angry that I didn't nip this in the bud years ago. Lies from telling me they checked that everything was turned off in the kitchen before going to bed and me to wake up to find things turned on, to telling me they haven't talked to someone in ages only for that person to meet us and say "when I seen you last week...etc"...

Sorry for the long post but I want some outside views

Tigger99

They are weird things to lie about. Tbh I'd be suggesting you rule out medical reasons for forgetfulness with a doctor first before you assume it's lying.

Dial Hard

My sister went out with a pathological liar. Your partner sounds the exact same. Petty, silly, stupid lies that were really easily found out and gained the person absolutely nothing by telling them.

And that's the really insidious thing about that kind of thing, OP. If the person has nothing obvious to gain by telling these lies, you're inclined to overlook them as harmless Walter Mitty stuff. But it gets to a point where you literally can't believe a single word out of these people's mouths. And that's the sh*t that will end up driving you demented. Not the obvious lies but whether *anything* they say is true. My sister got to the stage where if she asked him "Is it raining out?" she'd have to go and check for herself regardless of his answer.

It doesn't really matter why your partner lies. After ten years, both of you are so set in this pattern that changing it while staying together is going to be next to impossible.

Cut what's left of your losses and walk away. Seriously.

Ursus Horribilis

Personally I would walk but then I have absolutely no respect for liars. I think it is a deplorable trait in a human being. You sound worn out from a decade of being with him/her/it and living with all these lies. What if you went on to have a family? Could you rely on this person to mind your child? Could you trust him/her/it with important things? Life's hard enough without having to double check everything because your partner can't tell the truth. You've already wasted a decade of your life on this person. Why waste any more just because you've been an item for a decade?

Struggling

I agree with everyone's comments. I love being with this person and when things are great I'm happy but these nonsense lies are just wearing me down. Lies over stupid things that serve no purpose, they are so transparent that I have come to know when there is a lie and when its truth. Its so obvious just by their manner. Also we have a house. Walking away is such a big thing

Ursus Horribilis

How seriously have you tried to address this issue with him/her?

Struggling

Odus fell down wrote: »

How seriously have you tried to address this issue with him/her?

They don't like talking about their problems. Its turned around to be my issue when I try bring it up. I was just looking up relationship councelling online, is there a point? Though suggesting it will be shot down

Ursus Horribilis

Personally I think its ultimatum time. It's messy because you've a house but if it has to be sold so be it. Are you married to him/her/they/them? I don't think relationship counselling is a bad idea at all. It might hammer home to him/her that the way he/she has been behaving for all these years is out of line. You may find that he/she/them just can't stop lying though. I worked with a liar for a while and I don't think he ever understood how annoying and frustrating it was for the rest of us. I also have a distant relative who's a liar. He's so bad that he's known as Lies Smith rather than John Smith. You also should be asking yourself why on gods name have you put up with a liar for so long? And bought a house!

Rachiee

I think there is very little you can do to change a pathological liar particularly if he doesn't see it as an issue
Honestly not the kind of person I would date. I don't think lying at that level is malicious but it's an extremely annoying behaviour and not just a habit, habits can be changed if there's a will to change it, this is not something that will change without some form of therapy.

Lavinia

I did walk away, 4 years down the road, just had enough of it.
Got to a point where my own peace and sanity became more important than me staying with him.
Best decision I ever made.
Good luck!

edit: Btw you are/will not be able to change him. Only he can do that, be assured, and he does not look like the one that gives a damn, please pardon me saying.

Struggling

I'm torn between what I want and what I should do.

Above I said I'd found an item they had told me they returned to the shop. They're now claiming they did return it and the shop refunded them but let them keep the item. WTF like telling me the sky is green would be more believable. I'm so angry that they would turn something so stupid into a lie and a fight and for what?

Ursus Horribilis

This is only the latest lie in a long long line. Don't get bogged down in one lie. You've put up with a DECADE of this.

Dughorm

Struggling wrote: »

I'm torn between what I want and what I should do.

Above I said I'd found an item they had told me they returned to the shop. They're now claiming they did return it and the shop refunded them but let them keep the item. WTF like telling me the sky is green would be more believable. I'm so angry that they would turn something so stupid into a lie and a fight and for what?

I'm going to go against the crowd here - unless you have evidence to believe there are BIG lies going on, then breaking up over a lie about an item of clothing, checking the kitchen etc... even if it is a regular thing, seems to me to be ridiculous.

Are you sure you're OH isn't just a lazy sod who couldn't be arsed doing what they say will do? Couldn't be bothered going to shop to return stuff, couldn't be bothered checking if stuff is off, easier just to say "Ya ya ya" for a quiet life?

Of course that's not respectful to you, of course it makes things worse, of course you should discuss it and get counselling, but if that is all then I think you are pressing the Eject Button wwwaaaayyy too quickly here.

Fluffy Cat 88

Your partner sounds like one of those people who lie all the time for a "quiet life".

Lying they had turned the appliances off, returned items to the shop... are there money arguments in the relationship? One woman I know always lies to her husband about the price of stuff (€50 jumper = "oh it was a tenner in Penneys darling" = no row).

It's up to you what to do next. Have a talk with them - Suggest relationship counselling? Break up for good?

Whatever you decide, best of luck op.

eviltwin

Persistent lying destroys trust. Even if the lies are only small it's the fact they would do it when they know they will be found out, it's a real lack of respect. It's not something I would accept.

Ursus Horribilis

Dughorm wrote: »

I'm going to go against the crowd here - unless you have evidence to believe there are BIG lies going on, then breaking up over a lie about a sweater, checking the kitchen etc... even if it is a regular thing, seems to me to be ridiculous.

I thought about this but I get the impression that this is more than occasional lies. She said "Continuous lies" which leads me to believe that the problem is much much worse.

The problem is, for people like this fella, lying is what they do. It's as easy for them to tell a lie as the truth and they don't care.

https://www.truthaboutdeception.com/lying-and-deception/confronting-a-partner/compulsive-lying.html

Struggling

Oh I absolutely think its done for a quiet life. No idea that just been honest is the easy option.
I just don't see the point in lying about trivial things, it makes me doubt everything else.

Struggling

I said continuous lies but that was probably an exaggeration its a lot of lies but not daily or anything like it. My OH is so great in other ways, really loyal, kind, not at all selfish or judgemental to anyone. But the lies, they send me into an absolute rage.

Dughorm

Struggling wrote: »

Oh I absolutely think its done for a quiet life. No idea that just been honest is the easy option.
I just don't see the point in lying about trivial things, it makes me doubt everything else.

Well then be on the look out for that and break up when you have reason to believe something "else" is going on.

Meanwhile, work on the relationship....plan to have *that* discussion about the little lies and how it makes you unhappy.

But first think about the last 5 conversations you've had. Were they negative? positive? involve bickering? Nagging?

Make a conscious decision to try your best to have the next 5 conversations about positive things only. See how you feel then.

Kirk Van Houten

OP I hope this works out for you whatever you decide but I don't think these forums are necessarily going to know enough to give you the right answer. Almost guaranteed in the first few replies is some busybody or amateur shrink who trots out the standard "run away" "leave now". I genuinely hope it works out but only you have all the information to make the decision.

Struggling

Kirk Van Houten wrote: »

OP I hope this works out for you whatever you decide but I don't think these forums are necessarily going to know enough to give you the right answer. Almost guaranteed in the first few replies is some busybody or amateur shrink who trots out the standard "run away" "leave now". I genuinely hope it works out but only you have all the information to make the decision.

Completely agree I fear either way I will leave and regret it or not leave and regret it. On good days were beat friends and some people might laugh off the lies but I hate been taken for a mug who's expected to believe it all.

Ursus Horribilis

Well, you've chosen to stay with someone like this for a decade. Continue as you started off...

Lavinia

Struggling wrote: »

I said continuous lies but that was probably an exaggeration its a lot of lies but not daily or anything like it. My OH is so great in other ways, really loyal, kind, not at all selfish or judgemental to anyone. But the lies, they send me into an absolute rage.

So you consider him kind, while he is lying to you all the time KNOWING that it is getting you upset?

I do not think it is kindness at all. Sorry OP, it just is not.

Kirk Van Houten

Struggling wrote:

Completely agree I fear either way I will leave and regret it or not leave and regret it. On good days were beat friends and some people might laugh off the lies but I hate been taken for a mug who's expected to believe it all.

Talk with him, with your family and friends. People who know what's going on and more importantly know you both but you have to make the decision to stay or go. Best of luck.

eviltwin

Struggling wrote: »

Oh I absolutely think its done for a quiet life. No idea that just been honest is the easy option.
I just don't see the point in lying about trivial things, it makes me doubt everything else.

Your last line is the crucial thing here. Even if nothing bad ever happens the constant paranoia and doubting that comes from living with a liar is causing damage. It might not have the immediate impact that something big like cheating or violence would have but imho it's just as damaging.

Ursus Horribilis

You sound like you are absolutely at the end of your tether. How well have you communicated this to him? You need to explain to him very very clearly that this is driving you demented. If he gets thick or won't talk, then you have a very big decision to make.

StanleyOllie

I am going to go against the grain like another poster. There are nearly always 2 sides to a situation. You have partner who is lying to you. Why are they lying to YOU. Could you be controlling, could you make things difficult if they say what you dont want to hear. Could you have any part in their lying. Asking did you turn off appliances. How would you have reacted if they said no. Why did they have to return item? Maybe they liked it and you didnt. Is this not their decision???? I suppose I am just looking for a reason why... its not always the totally the other persons fault. Maybe its a learnt reaction on how to deal with your reaction?

woodchuck

It's easy to say that each individual lie isn't worth breaking up over, but after 10 years it has obviously taken its toll, otherwise you wouldn't be here.

This is obviously something that is seriously bothering you. You don't have to justify your feeling that way. But if you want to try and salvage the relationship, you're going to have to have a serious conversation with him (without getting into a discussion about the individual lies, because he will try to explain each one of them away). Maybe you should consider couples counselling? After 10 years I'd want to know that I'd tried everything before throwing in the towel. But as somebody else said, it's up to HIM to change his lying ways. Maybe a serious conversation and/or counselling will be the wake up call he needs.

Ursus Horribilis

OP does he lie to other people?

Lady is a tramp

OK you have brought up three situations.

1) Saying that the switches were turned off when they weren't. Could be seen as a white lie, or could have been a genuine case of misremembering - when you do something on a daily basis, it can be easily done! Could have been a genuine mistake, and in fairness, you were going to realise the next day - so why would he/she lie about something like that!

2) Saying that he/she hadn't seen someone in ages. If you were to ask me who were the last ten people that I knew that I happened to see in passing (without prior arrangement), I'd probably get it wrong. He/she could very easily have forgotten. Why were you asking him/her when they'd last seen the person? Were they of the opposite sex, and did you see them as a threat for some reason?

3) The item of clothing that they said they'd return. Again, why lie about something like that when it's so easily found out (e.g. by them wearing it in front of you) ... did you ask/tell them to return it? Also it's not impossible that they were told to keep it despite being given a refund - e.g. if it were faulty - why assume it was a lie?

retro:electro

Why are people assuming the OP is female?

Ursus Horribilis

OP had another thread here recently. She identified herself as a woman and her other half as her boyfriend. I've no idea why she has suddenly turned him into a they but that's beside the point .

athtrasna

StanleyOllie wrote: »

I am going to go against the grain like another poster. There are nearly always 2 sides to a situation. You have partner who is lying to you. Why are they lying to YOU. Could you be controlling, could you make things difficult if they say what you dont want to hear. Could you have any part in their lying. Asking did you turn off appliances. How would you have reacted if they said no. Why did they have to return item? Maybe they liked it and you didnt. Is this not their decision???? I suppose I am just looking for a reason why... its not always the totally the other persons fault. Maybe its a learnt reaction on how to deal with your reaction?

This is what I was wondering too. I'm not sure I'd appreciate being asked those kind of questions

Struggling

Odus fell down wrote: »

OP had another thread here recently. She identified herself as a woman and her other half as her boyfriend. I've no idea why she has suddenly turned him into a they but that's beside the point .

Purely to avoid being identified. However I have learned on boards that posters often go through your old threads to gain more info which is why I'm a new-ish poster. Don't like feeling like I could be identifiable.

Struggling

StanleyOllie wrote: »

I am going to go against the grain like another poster. There are nearly always 2 sides to a situation. You have partner who is lying to you. Why are they lying to YOU. Could you be controlling, could you make things difficult if they say what you dont want to hear. Could you have any part in their lying. Asking did you turn off appliances. How would you have reacted if they said no. Why did they have to return item? Maybe they liked it and you didnt. Is this not their decision???? I suppose I am just looking for a reason why... its not always the totally the other persons fault. Maybe its a learnt reaction on how to deal with your reaction?

I'd be the first to admit I'm a little highly strung but only with the other half and probably because of past experiences. But if he said no I didn't check everything was off wouldn't it be easier just stick your head into the kitchen and check instead of waking up to find the appliances left on????

Lady is a tramp

Struggling wrote: »

I'd be the first to admit I'm a little highly strung but only with the other half and probably because of past experiences. But if he said no I didn't check everything was off wouldn't it be easier just stick your head into the kitchen and check instead of waking up to find the appliances left on????

Play the record through to the end here ...

So ye wake up, and the appliances are left on, and the house hasn't burnt down and the world hasn't ended and all is OK.

Many couples/families go to sleep every night of the week without ever turning off the kitchen appliances. OK it's something that probably SHOULD be done, but meh. It's not always done (never in my house!) and the world still turns.

Could it be that you're a little OTT about these things ... I'm not excusing his lying about it, that's never OK, but maybe it's innocent white lies for an easier life, rather than anything malicious ...

orthsquel

Struggling wrote: »

I tell my OH that a small lie just makes me doubt everything else but they just get angry with me. I am going out of my mind part of me just wants rid to start again fresh with someone who respects me and part of me is just angry that I didn't nip this in the bud years ago.

First off I'd park the regret in not dealing with this sooner in your relationship.. what's done is done and in the past there is no point sitting on the regret of letting it fester so long because now you are addressing it, even with just yourself and what you can do.

Struggling wrote: »

but these nonsense lies are just wearing me down. Lies over stupid things that serve no purpose, they are so transparent that I have come to know when there is a lie and when its truth. Its so obvious just by their manner.

It's tiresome and negatively impacts you, it's counterproductive and they're not a good liar anyway. So why are they lying? I'd suspect it's a cover for something else, as someone else suggested maybe it's just laziness and to keep the peace, even forgetfulness, but could it be something beyond that?
Someone else suggested are they lying because of how you might react, actually I think this is worth while considering because they may have lied about meeting someone because they may feel you don't like them/wouldn't approve or would react in some way that may cause conflict or lead to a confrontation... (they may not want to rock the boat in the relationship)
they could lie because they don't want to reveal a real issue such as lack of assertiveness or confidence in dealing with others and you or to mask their own personal feelings and thoughts of their personal preference in being assertive with their partner. I would feel with them deflecting the issue of lying when you bring it up is that it is maybe something else beyond it that they are not comfortable in talking about or on the other hand, are able to acknowledge in themselves the lying but prefer to turn it around as a means to avoid confrontation of the issue of lying directly.

tbh if they are unwilling to discuss it when you bring it up with them or are always deflecting the issue or making their issue about you then probably a mediation service in relationship counselling would be of benefit.

Struggling wrote: »

I'd be the first to admit I'm a little highly strung but only with the other half and probably because of past experiences. But if he said no I didn't check everything was off wouldn't it be easier just stick your head into the kitchen and check instead of waking up to find the appliances left on????

Just seen this... highly strung... would you be quick to anger if your OH left lights or appliances on in the past or present? Would it be something that would have frustrated you if leaving the room they left lights on and you had to go and turn them off, would something like that been a source of tension? I think that if you were the sort of person that was quick to anger and have a fight with over something "trivial" ("trivial" in quotation marks because it's relative to each individual) it would to me explain why someone would happily lie just to avoid an argument, even if the lie was easily exposed but serves as a subtle hint without directly dealing with the behaviours on both sides. I know a couple where one of them (female) has an explosive temper and their husband directly avoids confrontation, avoids "upsetting her" and I would suspect would happily lie to her if he could get away with it over little things because he hasn't the confidence or assertiveness to deal with her and how she reacts to something. He was never able to get his point heard over many things and it took them going to relationship counselling to address the issues including his inability to speak up and stick up for himself in fear of incurring her wrath and anger.

While it may not necessarily be the issue of why your OH lies, it may be food for thought and worth considering if there is an issue where your OH doesn't stick up for themselves and lies to cover as a means to deflect the real issues.

Struggling

Agree with everything on here. I would be a worrier and be nervous of things like not having a functioning fire alarm, or an over due bill they are things that would bother me where as the OH would be more chilled about most things in life.

I'm sure we both have some wrong doings in everything that occurs between us. I'd admit that straight out but I don't know if he would admit it too.

I'm absolutely going to suggest relationship counselling I actually know a friend who went and said it was really great.

Augme

I was similar to your boyfriend in a previous relationship. I lied for the easy life, it was always small lies and I did, and still do, consider myself a very honest person. Her reaction to things was the reason I lied. If the kitchen appliance example in my situation it would be a case she'd ask me if I turned it off I'd sheepishly say no and then she'd roll her eyes or frown. I'd always go down and turn it off but when you're dealing with a reaction like that, and over time with other small things it just ground me down so much. After awhile every time something small like that happened I'd just feel like an idiot for forgetting and each time I admitted to forgetting something her reaction would just heighten it, to me she made a really big deal about really small not important stuff. The problem is because it's so small you don't really notice it, it just chips away slowly at your self-esteem. Lying then becomes easy and the done thing. At the time I never consciously lied because of that, I just lied almost instinctively without thinking but looking back I realise I did it just to avoid feeling like a failure.

If she dealt with it in a more upbeat positive way I think that would have been a big help. Instead her language and tone was of someone talking down to me like I was a child. Resentment then built up on both sides and then it's just a slippery slope downhill that is hard to recover from. We broke up but not because of just the lying though, more important other issues, but it didn't help.

I've no idea what your like OP but I'd recommend analysing your own behaviour in this situations and ask yourself if how you react is a positive with the situation or a negative. In the relationship I was in I definitely think if that was the only issue we could have resolved it, but it would take both of us changing our behaviours. The problem with a situation like this is that the liar is always seen as being at fault and thus they need to change their behaviour. It's not always that cut and dry though and can be more complicated than that. I think it's important when an issue comes up in a relationship for both sides to figure how they can help improve the situation rather than trying to cast blame which happens all too often.

Best of luck with it.

intheclouds

Dated a guy like this. Would lie over going to buy a pack of cigarettes and say he had gone to buy tissues. Really silly stuff. 'Twas a relief to break up. Couldn't trust anything he ever said.

Lovely bloke otherwise. Great fun. Still friends on FB and he is married with kids now. Always feel sorry for his missus when I see pics on FB knowing he is driving her demented with stupid lies. She looks like me too. Bet he lied if she ever asked who I was on FB.

It's just not worth it. If you don't have trust you don't have a relationship. It's just a facade.

CaraMay

Augme wrote: »

I was similar to your boyfriend in a previous relationship. I lied for the easy life, it was always small lies and I did, and still do, consider myself a very honest person. Her reaction to things was the reason I lied. If the kitchen appliance example in my situation it would be a case she'd ask me if I turned it off I'd sheepishly say no and then she'd roll her eyes or frown. I'd always go down and turn it off but when you're dealing with a reaction like that, and over time with other small things it just ground me down so much. After awhile every time something small like that happened I'd just feel like an idiot for forgetting and each time I admitted to forgetting something her reaction would just heighten it, to me she made a really big deal about really small not important stuff. The problem is because it's so small you don't really notice it, it just chips away slowly at your self-esteem. Lying then becomes easy and the done thing. At the time I never consciously lied because of that, I just lied almost instinctively without thinking but looking back I realise I did it just to avoid feeling like a failure.

If she dealt with it in a more upbeat positive way I think that would have been a big help. Instead her language and tone was of someone talking down to me like I was a child. Resentment then built up on both sides and then it's just a slippery slope downhill that is hard to recover from. We broke up but not because of just the lying though, more important other issues, but it didn't help.

I've no idea what your like OP but I'd recommend analysing your own behaviour in this situations and ask yourself if how you react is a positive with the situation or a negative. In the relationship I was in I definitely think if that was the only issue we could have resolved it, but it would take both of us changing our behaviours. The problem with a situation like this is that the liar is always seen as being at fault and thus they need to change their behaviour. It's not always that cut and dry though and can be more complicated than that. I think it's important when an issue comes up in a relationship for both sides to figure how they can help improve the situation rather than trying to cast blame which happens all too often.

Best of luck with it.

You are casting blame on your ex for your lying....

Op I couldn't stick it for love nor money. It's so disrespectful. He's actively trying to make an eejit out of you. 10 years in, it shouldn't be like this.

intheclouds

Augme wrote: »

Her reaction to things was the reason I lied.

You are responsible for your own behaviour. No point trying to squirm out of it saying it was someone else's fault. It's a choice. You tell the lie, so you own the behaviour. No one is holding a gun to your head telling you to lie.

I think it's pathetic to blame it on someone else.

If, like the OPs bf, you're going to be a liar, at least have the balls to own it.

Although I suspect these compulsive liars are also lying to themselves. They have to do it, it's someone's else's fault etc..

Maybe it's a mental health issue? I don't think someone like this can change. It's who they are, an ingrained behaviour.

Augme

intheclouds wrote: »

You are responsible for your own behaviour. No point trying to squirm out of it saying it was someone else's fault. It's a choice. You tell the lie, so you own the behaviour. No one is holding a gun to your head telling you to lie.

I think it's pathetic to blame it on someone else.

If, like the OPs bf, you're going to be a liar, at least have the balls to own it.

Although I suspect these compulsive liars are also lying to themselves. They have to do it, it's someone's else's fault etc..

Maybe it's a mental health issue? I don't think someone like this can change. It's who they are, an ingrained behaviour.

I never said it was her fault, I said it was the reason I lied. Everyone is responsible for their own behaviour and everyone should accept how they behave will have consequences on other people. If you belittle/talk down to people that will have consequences, if you insult people that will have consequences. If you lie, that will have consequences. Two wrongs don't make a right and people don't do something just because they have "mental health issues".

Lavinia

Augme wrote: »

I never said it was her fault, I said it was the reason I lied. Everyone is responsible for their own behaviour and everyone should accept how they behave will have consequences on other people. If you belittle/talk down to people that will have consequences, if you insult people that will have consequences. If you lie, that will have consequences. Two wrongs don't make a right and people don't do something just because they have "mental health issues".

IMO Her behavior eg reactions were just an excuse for you to lie.
There are so many other more healthy options to deal with someones reactions.
I presume look deeper into yourself and see why lying was your "only option".

Augme

Lavinia wrote: »

Her behavior eg reactions were just an excuse for you to lie.
There are so many other more healthy options to deal with someones reactions.
I presume look deeper into yourself and see why lying was your "only option".

I agree with all that, but at the time when you're in a situation it's not always possible to take a step back and analysis things. You learn from your mistakes as they say.

Lavinia

Augme wrote: »

I agree with all that, but at the time when you're in a situation it's not always possible to take a step back and analysis things. You learn from your mistakes as they say.

I am glad to hear that.
I believe no one is worth of you going down to a level that you yourself know is wrong. Also it is up to us how we treat other people, not the other way around...
You know there is some saying like "do to other what you want others to do to you". I think that is incorrect. It is also hypocritical as if you would do good to other only cause you would expect something in return.

It would be better to say "do NOT do to others what you would not like others to do to you".
So do NOT lie to others - unless you would be happy that someone lies to you also.
...
OP, I hope you resolve your situation soon. For the sake of you, but your partner also. What is toxic for you cannot be healthy for him either.
Do not blame yourself for the behavior of someone else. You can of course talk with that person - if they would want to talk with you - but you said they are just getting angry when you try to.
If I were there, I'd give it maybe another some time - I'd say 3 months or whatever, make a "deadline" - to "try to fix it" - if it was up to you, if you would change your ways. If it goes well, well - happy days.
If not - I'd walk away.
Good luck, whatever you decide.

dudara

@zcorpian88 - you have been previously warned about your lengthy posting on your past relationships. In addition, you didn't offer any advice to the OP. Please do not do this again.

dudara

zcorpian88

dudara wrote: »

@zcorpian88 - please stick to offering advice to the OP. Lengthy anecdotes about friends don't really offer advice.

dudara

Advice for the OP confront them and say their lying, no matter how small or insignificant is a major flaw in their personality, it would make you think if he has to lie about something so small, could they have lied about other bigger issues in the relationship and sorry to the mod, I always kind of tell a story if I can find something relatable, even if the story is extreme.

At the end of the day if you have to lie to get your partner to like you or stay with you then it's a sad state of affairs and you can't always do what you like at the expense of your partner's trust.

Aimeee

Maybe you are a good match really. You are highly strung he is not. Would you prefer to be with someone who is the same as yourself? Imagine the peace you'd have knowing all the switches were turned off every night and that he was not telling lies(or forgetting things). Also I suspect your other half isn't very assertive so things like returning items to shops etc can seem like hassle.
There's a lot at stake here; you have a house together, plus ten years of a relationship. If other things are good which I think you have said then start with yourself: why does the lying send you into a rage. Can you lighten up a bit? You are wired differently. Yes I think you need to get accross to him how it upsets you so much and if he could try to stop. Maybe you could be on at him less too. Maybe he likes you to be on his case, he might see it as the way you are together. There's a comfort in it. Does anyone remember the ad - "John did you put the cat out?".
Best of luck OP. Personally I'd be thinking long and hard before walking away from ten years especially if the big things are good. Why don't you stop trying to change him for a while and you never know he might start doing the little things of his own accord.
Having said all of that I know someone who married a person who was always "joking" or lying imo. She was fine with it used to laugh it off but I have to say I couldn't tolerate what she did. They still happily married with kids etc. I guess it depends on the level of lying and what you feel you can tolerate.
Is it just between yourselves and about smallish things or do you know if he's like that with other family menbers/friends etc.
Good Luck.

CaraMay

Augme wrote: »

I never said it was her fault, I said it was the reason I lied. Everyone is responsible for their own behaviour and everyone should accept how they behave will have consequences on other people. If you belittle/talk down to people that will have consequences, if you insult people that will have consequences. If you lie, that will have consequences. Two wrongs don't make a right and people don't do something just because they have "mental health issues".

She didn't belittle you (from what you said), she seems to have not believed you and had no respect for you (probably form to the lying).

Op IMHO it's a major caracter flaw. If you are not adult enough to tell the truth about badic things then you aren't adult enough to be in a relationship

Augme

CaraMay wrote: »

She didn't belittle you (from what you said), she seems to have not believed you and had no respect for you (probably form to the lying).

Op IMHO it's a major caracter flaw. If you are not adult enough to tell the truth about badic things then you aren't adult enough to be in a relationship

Possibly, but not because of the lying. That only started after the reactions from her.