Friend's Questionable Behaviour

LegacyUser

Hello,

I am going to try and make this as brief as possible and I apologise, and thank you, in advance for taking the time to read this.

For some background, I started a Masters in September in a very specialised and competitive area. I made a really good friend in the class, I didn't think I would make anymore "best" friends in life so I felt very lucky to have met someone so cool and fun. She and I are both female.

Basically, in the last few weeks I have noticed a change in her behaviour. Our class is very competitive with internships and as it has turned out, I have done several internships while she tried very hard and only managed to get one. We even were both interviewed for one and I was the person who got it. During that time I was very sensitive towards her feelings and made sure not to brag or even really talk about the internships. After the one we were both interviewed for, she didn't speak to me for a few days as she was very upset.

So the last two weeks I have noticed some petty behaviour on her part, I feel as if she is trying to isolate me a bit or compete with me over friendships. This will all sound like the behaviour of fourteen year old girls (genuinely shocked that this is happening to me as an adult).

I came into class one day and I noticed that she was very dismissive towards me and sort of ignoring me, all the while being sweet as ever to everyone else. It was really strange but I decided to forget about it.

Fast forward to the next day and we always meet on campus for lunch on Wednesday. That day she never replied to my message (even though she had been online) and when I turned up to class she was in the same spot we have sat in all year but another girl was in my place. I tried to act like nothing was going on and just sat in front of them and chatted as normal. I asked her why she didn't reply to my message but she said her phone was in her purse (she is literally constantly glued to her phone so this was a lie). I am embarrassed actually writing this but this is actually happening in a supposed adult world.

So other little incidents happened in the previous weeks but none so blatantly as this. Like she has met up with mutual friends but not told me about the event until afterwards even though I was invited she never passed on the message to me. So it is a lot of petty, subtle passive aggressive behaviour.

I called her on it on Thursday and said that we need to talk about it over the weekend because I have noticed a massive shift in her attitude towards me. She denied it but agreed to meet up on Sunday (today).

Then, on Friday night I was out with a guy I have been seeing. We kissed in October and it has been very slow moving but in the last few months we have met up regularly to watch films and go for walks and things. Nothing serious but definitely going places.

I had introduced them in October (as he is my neighbour, also a student) and said to my friend I thought he was good looking. She vastly disagreed with me and said he isn't at all. The three of us would hang out together though and occasionally have parties and that kind of thing.

Anyway, I had a feeling in my gut that something had happened between them so on Friday night I asked him. He confessed that they had had sex in October and January. Said how guilty he has felt and wanted to tell me blah de blah... October was a drunken black-out night and I think January was an arrangement to meet up that led to sex, I am unsure of the details though.

To be honest, I don't really care about the deceit on his behalf because this was always going to be a light-hearted scenario because we are from different continents and both plan on moving home. He is gone for a month so relieved I don't have to talk to him for awhile... I am just shocked by her that she never told me and kept it all so secret. We tell each other about all our escapades. I feel very weird that all the time I was talking to her about him that she knew this. The night in question where they initially had sex I was even on the phone to her the next day and she said she had gotten with no one. I remember him messaging me saying that he had been looking for me during the night.

As my relationship with him was developing I was talking to her about it happily and she said "Please don't talk about him, I feel jealous". I was really shocked by her reaction and asked did she like him and she said no, she was just jealous of my casual circumstance I had with him.

I called her about it on Friday and she was very "whatever" about the whole thing that it had happened "ages ago". We are supposed to be meeting up today but I don't know...If I had known about all this secrecy between them, I would have been slow to have spent so much time with him recently.

So sorry for the long post. She is supposed to be staying with me in my mother's house next week for several days for a conference we have on but I don't know if I want to be her friend anymore, I feel she has a lot of resentment towards me... I don't really understand what is going on.

wivy

You poor thing, that is just horrible.

To be honest sounds like she is extremely jealous of the life you lead and will go to no ends to try and match or better you on everything.

I think you've been extremely forgiving and understanding as a friend by trying to see things from her perspective, but at the end of the day she has broken your trust and lied to your face on numerous occasions. From what I can see, she is trying to make you feel worthless, by being 'flippant' about the guy. Excluding you from social occasions, avoiding discussion on your internships. To be honest.. not far off bullying behaviour.

This is the kind of person I would describe as dangerous. If she goes behind your back to the lengths of being with the guy you were seeing, what is she capable of? I wouldn't trust this girl in the slightest. She's out for herself.
She is most certainly not a friend.

Get rid OP.

LegacyUser

It's a friendship that has run a short course. For a number of reasons she has moved on from it and no amount of talking or duscussing is going to recover the friendship. Do you even want to?

Let her go. No point in talking it through. Just drift away now. Don't let her use you or your mother for accomodation though. Best to tell her it would be better to make alternative arrangements.

Tasden

Honestly I think ye both have far too much built up resentment toward each other for this to work out. Just cut your losses and be content knowing that you won't have to deal with her pettiness. Sorry your friend betrayed you like that with the guy, that seems like a really ****ty thing to happen.

Ursus Horribilis

Well, as someone who has been working for a long time now, I can assure you that the sort of behaviour you think should've stopped at 14 can continue indefinitely....
As for what to do with your "friend", you are right not to want her as a pal any more. What she did to you is awful. It's clear that she's jealous and resentful of you. What's worse is that she has taken steps to hurt you. In truth, she was never going to tell you that she was having sex with this guy. I don't think people should be giving their friends the gory details of their sex lives anyway but that's a whole other story. She is not bringing anything positive into your life - she's doing the opposite really. She has shown that she's capable of anything so be careful what you tell her.

I think you are being too soft on both her and this guy you like. He knew what he was doing when he had sex with her and he really shouldn't have gone there, regardless of what your situation was. In your shoes I'd drop both of them. Anyway,why get involved with a guy who's going to be moving away. You're only storing up heartbreak there unless one of you is prepared to move.

For now, I would tell your "friend" that you feel it's for the best that she doesn't stay in your mother's house and distance yourself. I wouldn't care how she reacts. You have been more than kind to her and she has done nothing but treat you with contempt. I wouldn't allow someone like that under my mother's roof, no matter how stuck she is for accommodation.

LegacyUser

Thank you all very much for taking time out of your lives to reply.

Yes, I think secretly she dislikes me a lot. I noticed a mean streak in her before but I thought we had a really strong and fun relationship. We talked on the phone all the time and I thought I meant more to her. We would always regularly hug and say how much we loved each other, I thought she was a really special person.

She mentioned before how she used to bully a girl in secondary school and start rumours about her but I put this down to being a silly teenager and we all make mistakes...

She hasn't tried to contact me since I didn't reply to her message saying "It happened ages and ages ago" (January isn't that long ago...). When I talked to her on the phone she said she didn't tell me because she was trying "to forget about it" insinuating that the guy is disgusting... but it happened twice, so I don't buy that.

I feel very hurt and sickened. I don't think I even want to meet up with her? I think it will make me angry because she will try brush it all under the carpet and she will try and gaslight me. She doesn't seem to really care either, she didn't apologise or try to contact me since.

I think she is a bully. My other friend is saying that I should meet up and talk about it. I don't know. I do know she won't be staying in my home with me. We also booked our flights together so will be sitting beside each other on the plane...

ahnow

She's far from a friend. And
Unfortunately this stuff goes on well past the teenage years, as shocking as it can be.
I would definately rethink having her stay in your mams house. The way she has been treating you recently in college IS bullying behaviour. Keep your friendships up with the others in there, and keep your contact with her to an absolute minimum.
I would also say you should rethink seeing that guy as well. It's crap behaviour on both his and her part. the whole thing is creepy and seedy.

LegacyUser

I totally agree with other posters here. You do not need her in your life. You also do need to help her out by giving her a bed at home for the conference. Tell her she will unfortunately need to make alternative arrangements....if she tries to start some drama about you letting her down, ignore it and carry on with the fantastic work you are already doing in your masters. Don't let her drag you down to her level! She sounds like the type who goes around doing shady things to people who are supposed to be friends, but then gets uppity when she's called on it. I had one such friend, and needless to say, we're not friends anymore. I found it hard to move on from her because I was always fearful of what she'd say to our mutual friends. I finally realised that I had to move away from her influence for my own well-being and sanity. I'm still friends with the mutual friends thank god, I never brought them into it really.

You mentioned something about this new girl not passing on messages about meeting up with mutual friends. That is a massive red flag, and it looks like she's trying to exclude you. I would say to your mutual friends that you didn't receive the message due to 'crossed wires', and you would've loved to meet up. Cover your bases with them, just to be sure as you never know what this other girl is saying about you! And never ever say anything bad about this girl to your mutual friends, as this girl would absolutely revel in the injustice of it all!

TL;DR Stay away from this girl for your own sanity and well-being. Best of luck!

retro:electro

Definitely rethink her coming to your mum's to stay. What kind of message are you conveying to her by letting her stay? Oh it's okay if you lie to my face and ignore me for weeks on end and try to humiliate me by phasing me out...there'll always be a bed here for you. Ah no! Show her you value yourself more than to let her treat you that way. Bloody cheek of her.

ahnow

I had a friend like this too, thought it was a really special friendship, but there was a really nasty underhanded side to her, and this was at the age of 25!
Listen OP, count your lucky stars you found out what she's really like so soon into the friendship, because that is a blessing that it's not a few years down the line.
I don't think much will be gained from meeting with her. She's a nasty type, so I predict she'll be defensive if you were to call her on anything and she'd just deflect it all back onto you, making you feel worse in the long run. She wont give you the satisfaction of any closure.
You sound like a nice and decent person, don't let her get you down. You've just had some unfortunate luck meeting a type like her.
And try not to worry about sitting on a plane with her, you can always go online and change your seat.
Chin up

Neyite

Regarding next week, well, she's the one who needs a place to stay, so I'd let her come and grovel ask for it, rather than chase her.

She made it clear you are no longer a friend to her, so take her at face value on that. She's a frenemy now to you.

With regard to the bloke, well, from my teens I've had an unwritten rule that if your friend fancies someone, and mentions it first, you step back and leave them to it. She went behind your back in an underhanded way. She's not a friend who would have your back but one who'd stab you in it.

Some people are like that and never grow out of that behaviour. The best revenge is your own happiness with people like this.

LegacyUser

I wouldn't take the advice of the friend who says to talk to her about it. About what? What does she think the outcome of such a discussion would be? That your friend would discover the error of her ways and reform?! She's already indicated that she's not that bothered, about any/all of it. She may or may not have fancied the fella but I would bet my house on it that she deliberately went after him to get him, and get one over on you.

Do not chase this girl. Walk away and don't be tempted to try get answers or make sense of it. Some people are just arseholes! They can hide it for a while, but it eventually comes out. She was an arsehole as a child/teenager and is continuing it as an adult. I'd imagine other friends will also wise up to her and she will be that person who has a brand new set of "friends" every 4 to 5 years!

Sound Bite

She appears to be jealous of you in every aspect of your life: academically, socially and romantically.

She probably didn't even like the guy she slept with just did it to prove to herself she's as good as you or some other deranged logic.

Cut her off & let her find her own accommodation.

beks101

Sounds like she wanted to get "one up" on you seeing as you're trumping her with the internships. She's insecure and selfish and decided to sleep with this guy to prove a point to herself.

If someone told me they used to be a bully and then displayed this incredibly nasty, hurtful behaviour to someone they're supposed to be a friend of - well I for one wouldn't be lining up to give them a second chance.

Personally I'd probably send an email/text saying I wasn't free to meet up and distance myself entirely. Don't give her any ammunition like an angry email or attempt at confrontation. let her come to you about the accommodation and then tell her your parents have visitors that week so the room is no longer available.

LegacyUser

Hello,

Once again, I can't thank you all enough for your consideration in replying to my problems.

So today I sent her a message just asking her to forward me on the booking reference for the flight (it was booked under her credit card) and asked her if she understood that she can't stay with me anymore. She replied sending me the details and also "I don't understand why you're so upset. Please let's have a conversation so I can understand your viewpoint" I just said back I don't feel like being upset and left it at that.

The more I think about the weirder I feel. Looking at the timeline I realise that I had sex with him about three weeks after they did in January. Also, the three of us went to go sightseeing together around that time, I invited her along with us because she had been cooped up in her apartment for days upset about me getting the internship above her and I thought it would be nice for her to get out and about.

I feel very anxious about the whole thing, it upsets me that she hasn't said sorry. I think she will play off the passive aggressive behaviour as something I have imagined. I don't know.

PressRun

This definitely sounds very toxic. She sounds like the kind of person who only likes to be friends with people she feels superior to and as soon as it becomes apparent that the other person is her equal or better, she can't cope with it. She was all pally with you until it turned out you out-performed her academically, and so she decided to try and get one over on you in another aspect (romantic relationships).

This is a shallow person who is not interested in cultivating long-lasting, meaningful friendships, but rather is only interested in friendship if it will provide an ego-boost for her. I would begin to phase this individual out - reduce contact, only speak with her if you have to, and if she comes asking to stay in your family home, I would politely tell her no.

It's difficult when someone you thought was your friend treats you so badly, but you will be much better off and much less stressed without her.

Ursus Horribilis

What you've got to understand here is that your "friend" isn't the person you thought she was when you met 6 months ago. You're now piecing together different threads of information and they're all pointing to someone who's a nasty piece of work. She has form when it comes to being a bully, and as you're learning, she hasn't changed much since then. It wouldn't surprise me if goes on to bully other people too, be it colleagues, friends or partners.

It's a shame that you're upset by her not saying sorry. My guess is that she isn't sorry at all. She doesn't like or respect you very much but did a good job of keeping her contempt for you under wraps. You sound like a nice person who perhaps has been too willing to see the good side of people. This may be why you missed other warning signs. Even if she does apologise, it's not going to be sincere.

I also think you should give this guy you've both slept with the bullet. He too is partly responsible for what happened behind your back. Regardless of whether you and him were an item or not, he shouldn't have been having sex with her as well and hoodwinking you.

LegacyUser

Don't get sucked in, OP. She thought/thinks she can treat you like that and you'd still hang around. She would happily go along and accept your mother's hospitality and without a doubt go right back to ignoring you or treating you like she has been.

You have the flight details now, I would go so far as to block her on your phone/facebook etc... Oh, and expect a few other friends to be sent to try make you "see sense" when she realises she's not getting anywhere.

Emme

Whatever about the "friend", the boyfriend doesn't sound great either. I'd drop him as well while you're at it. Casual scenarios don't mean that you have to accept disrespect. Even if you both agree that you can see other people it's messy when he's with people who are or have been close to you.

valoren

She is definitely not your friend OP.
She has bullied and belittled you.

You sound like a reasonable person and unfortunately toxic, manipulative drama queens are drawn to reasonable people like yourself. You will try to placate and work things out but this is merely feeding your friend to prolong this drama. She is not sorry for what she has done. She has expressed nothing in terms of guilt or remorse to you.

Be careful now. I would advise cutting off the friendship.

If you call her out on her disrespectful behavior, she will invariably use that to continue her bullying. When bullies are called to account they will turn it back on you. She may accuse YOU of bullying her. She will play the victim to you and feign innocence to colleagues. She may even tell all and sundry that it is YOU who has been bullying her. You need to immediately cut ties with such people. If for anything, then for the sake of your own sanity. There is simply no winning with people like that. If you continue to engage with her, as a reasonable person, you may want to fix your now broken relationship, then it will simply continue to prolong her drama and attention seeking. Your relationship won't be healed, she get's the oxygen of drama that she craves, and you will end up driving yourself a little crazy trying to keep up.

You made friends with her. You've been fair with her and respectful and it's been thrown back in your face with jealousy, spite and bullying.

Chalk it up to experience OP. Grown adults acting like schoolyard bullies are still around. Mind yourself.

SarahMollie

Hi OP,

Good luck with this girl, you're going to need it!

As other have said, there is no friendship here to salvage so don't lose any sleep over her.

The only warning I'd give you is that you need to start seeing this girl for who she really is. Up until now, even though the's behaved badly, you've still tried to be her friend. So she doesnt see you as a problem right now.

Once you tell her that you don't want her staying with you and stop trying to be her friend, she may employ some devious tactics against you (like the bullying she told you about from her secondary school friends)

Make sure that you're mentally prepared for her if she turns on you and concentrate on your own friendships so that you've people to lean on if this becomes a problem.

I'd a similar (albeit not so bad) experience during my masters, so yep, it can happen even at 22/23! A girl who I was immediately firm friends with gradually showed a jealous streak. In my head there was no competition between us, but it became clear that anytime something went in my favor (even if it had no adverse impact on her) she would hold it against me, and act a bit passive agressive towards me, constantly going on about how I was a such a lucky bitch, under the guise of being jokey it was coming out of her mouth just a bit too often. If a guy asked me out, even if she'd never liked him previously, then it was a constant rhetoric of "no body likes me, everyone likes you" and when I got a job placement before her she was totally focused on how everything was "so unfair" rather than just being happy for me, and working hard to make sure she was putting herself in the best position to get a job herself. Eventually she lost it with me at a party infront of our whole class, and I just stood there and took it. Because I didnt stoop to her level, and everyone saw her wailing like a banshee, it was fine because she just made herself look jealous.

Now I was lucky because she wasnt as devious as your "friend" but the unwarranted jealousy is poisonous and sometimes you need to put yourself first and walk away.

Some people can only handle a friendship if they're the one on top. They can't be happy for other peoples success.

Keane2baMused

OP it seems this girl is toxic in many many ways.

That's not the recipe for a lasting friendship. Sometimes in life we have to make a decision abouts what is best for us and just let people go.

LegacyUser

OP just be careful as this may not be the end of it. Obviously your successes above hers triggered off her deep rooted insecurities. Now that you have seen through her and she has been exposed this may prompt her to take things even further like even trying to sabotage any further opportunities that come up through college or undermine you with tutors/lecturers. Once the demon has been unleashed these type of people will stop at nothing. I experienced something very similar in a workplace and as soon as I called the person out on it things escalated even more as they managed to gather reinforcements and get the boss on side. Eventually I just left. These type of people are nasty pieces of work. I think the saying is never wrestle with a pig in muck. You will get dirty but the pig will enjoy it. Stay strong and have your own network of support.

pookie82

OP upon first reading this and going down through the thread I thought that this friend went years back. It was only when another poster pointed it out that I re-read and realised you in fact only met her last September, which isn't long ago at all.

Much like romantic relationships, I have found that sometimes platonic friendships that start out with a really close bond or overly strong affection or reliance on each other early on (being in a course together where you know few others and make a connection being a perfect example) can turn toxic quicker than a slow burning one. You mention that you hug one another and tell each other you love each other, etc. I would only do that with friends of mine who have been such since primary/secondary school (in my 30s now!) and at that, it would be rare.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is it sounds like you leapt into a friendship head first and got overly close without really knowing the person. The fallout is that she has turned out to be a nasty piece of work indeed and you're left feeling betrayed and blindsided.

For what it's worth, this doesn't reflect badly on you at all, it's merely a life lesson. Intense people (with intense friendships/relationships from the get go) can sometimes be the least dependable.

I think you would be out of your mind to even consider allowing this girl to stay at your home, meet your family or benefit in any way from your good nature from now on. Up until this point you've merely had hard luck in finding out how horrible she is. If you continue to engage with her in any way now though you're asking for bother.

Cut her off, she doesn't require a long winded catch up or an explanation. By all means mourn the friendship you thought you had and be sad and all the rest, but don't involve her in trying to process that. The sex thing alone is reason enough to write her off as untrustworthy. She doesn't even have the good grace to seem ashamed or acknowledge what she did was wrong. I'll bet if you met up to talk with her you'd walk away almost believing it wasn't that big a deal, because she's out to manipulate you and will make you out to be the drama queen here.

I'd leave him behind fairly lively as well. Who "accidentally" sleeps with your mate twice and then stays shtum when the three of you are on daily outings together? Bizarre behaviour from the pair of them if you ask me.

LegacyUser

HI everyone,

You have all given me amazing advice and given me the strength to be more ruthless in my distancing myself from her. I have cut all contact and she hasn't bothered her ar.se caring or contacting me since. My house mate told me that when my 'friend' was drunk in February she told her that she had slept with the guy and not to tell me. It is just so messed up and I am glad to wash my hands of her. I feel she really tired to humiliate me.

Today in our group chat on Facebook (just a few mutual friends) and one of them invited us all to drinks in my apartment bloc this Friday and she had no qualms in saying she would be there. I think she has mental issues and I don't know if I should go or not. She would have no problem turning up and acting as if nothing happened. I just want her out of my life but I feel like if I don't go I am letting her win?

Keane2baMused

Go along to the party if it's what YOU want to do. Don't go to just not let her 'win' though. If you'd like to go don't stay away just in case she turns up!

You need to get to the frame of mind where you basically couldn't give a sh**e what she thinks says or does.

beks101

Keane2baMused wrote: »

Go along to the party if it's what YOU want to do. Don't go to just not let her 'win' though. If you'd like to go don't stay away just in case she turns up!

Agreed, OP go if you feel like going and don't let her presence stop you. Give her a wide berth and if she tries to talk to you, be polite but standoffish and don't engage in any meaningful way.

The danger here is that she'll attempt to socially isolate you by trash-talking you to your mates and playing the victim. I'd fully expect this from someone like her to be honest. Play civil and if anyone asks, everything's fine, you're just not close mates anymore.

retro:electro

Why wouldn't you go? By not going your absence is conveying the message that you feel you did something wrong, and she will utilise that and talk trash about you. Go and do your thing, you've no reason not to.

PressRun

If you'd like to go to the party, then you should go. Don't let her behaviour socially isolate you. You've as much a right to go out and hang out with your mates as she has. If she's there and tries to engage you, be civil, but keep your distance. It's a party - there'll be other people there that you can chat to and it should be easy enough to stay out of her way.

pookie82

ConfusedAndUpset wrote: »

Today in our group chat on Facebook (just a few mutual friends) and one of them invited us all to drinks in my apartment bloc this Friday and she had no qualms in saying she would be there. I think she has mental issues and I don't know if I should go or not. She would have no problem turning up and acting as if nothing happened. I just want her out of my life but I feel like if I don't go I am letting her win?

It's tricky. Avoiding places she'll be will further isolate you which is probably what she wants. It will also allow her to potentially fabricate all sorts of nonsense about you behind your back in your peer group - something that's not beyond someone like her if she feels her grip on you is slipping and you're seeing through her.

While I'd be tempted to respond to the group text and go "sorry guys, I think I'll skip this one, not too keen on hanging out with Sarah since I realised she was sleeping with Tom" and drop her in it, that's drama you really don't need.

So I'd go, and be civil and act like nothing is up. If she tries to pull you to one side, smile and tell her you don't have time for a chat right now. Enjoy your evening, be really polite, don't show you're angry or scorned. Just avoid any private conversations with her. Your (outward) calmness will serve you better than any show down and she won't know where she stands. Right now she's expecting a) hurt and upset, or b) a row.

Give her neither and she'll have nothing to use against you.

LegacyUser

Also be aware, if she told your housemate she told others. Is she good friends with your hosemate? Did she tell her because she wanted to confide in her and felt bad about it? I doubt it. She told your housemate because she wanted them to know. So she has also told others... Because she wants them to know. She would have put mutual friends in a horrible position.

Go to the party. You've been complaining that she was deliberately isolating you from your group. If you choose not to go, then you are allowing that to happen. More people than you realise will have seen her for what she is. Go along. Be the bigger person and don't lower yourself to her. Dignity will always win!

Sound Bite

Wow, she's a piece of work! Just do what you would normally go and don't let her have any influence on your decision. Don't give her the satisfaction of letting her knowing she's got to you.

Not sure if you watch Coronation Street but think of her as akin to Tracey Barlow...all she wants is a reaction to make herself feel like she's better than everyone else. Deluded, self centred and misguided.

CBFi

I feel terrible reading this OP - I could written some of this right after my Masters! A lot of what other posters have replied really resonated. In my case, the 'friend' thought she was superior to me but when I got a first in my thesis, a job straight away etc she suddenly started leaving me out, acting passive aggressive and not responding to messages. Like others have said, leave her behind, go to the party if you want to but don't if you won't enjoy it and remember that you have done NOTHING wrong. Took me a long time to stop feeling embarassed and like I was the problem.

Ursus Horribilis

This is easier said than done but if you can avoid falling out with her completely, it would be better. You're still stuck with her in your class and she's tied in with your mutual friends. That's awkward. You said at the start that the masters you're doing is in a specialised area. Would that mean that there aren't that many people working in that field? In other words, when you graduate and start working, there's a chance you'll be encountering her again? If you can, try to be polite but treat her as an acquaintance rather than the rip she is someone you've fallen out with. What could backfire horribly is if your friends are pushed into an "it's her or me" type of a scenario. As the others have mentioned as well, you need to be on your guard. She has form when it comes to starting rumours about people so you wouldn't know what she could do next. Stay in the loop with your friends and try to make sure she doesn't isolate you either.

LegacyUser

Hello everyone,

Well class has ended for us so thankfully I won't be seeing her on a daily basis anymore. I asked my housemate and she said my friend (sorry, I have no name for her so resorting to friend here) wasn't upset at all when she told them, so I think it was just to embarrass me.

She text me today asking for a book of hers back and worked in a fake "I hope your internship is going well", as I am currently doing the internship that I got over her. I just responded saying she would get her book back and then re-deleted her contact details.

I learned that she has already rallied a mutual friend around her and is talking about me being "dramatic". I am just so sick of it, I wish she would just go away, honestly. It is exhausting. When I see her on Friday I will just give her the book and do as you guys say, act as if nothing has happened but avoid her and be distant but polite. Very good advice from you all.

I just want this to be over. I really hate conflict and drama. My thoughts keep going back to her but already I am feeling a bit over it, I really pity her as a human. She has lost a very good friend in me but I have just gained clarity.

I have been retracing the events and the second night they had sex the three of us had actually been hanging out earlier in the evening but I left to meet a friend that was coming to stay with me for a few days. I really think they are just both vile, I am very glad I wasn't invested emotionally in the guy, he could be a bit of a fool anyway so meh, good riddance.

Thankfully she lives here under a visa which will be revoked if she doesn't find a job by sometime in October... fingers crossed :P

retro:electro

You have the right attitude; fair play to you it can't be easy. Wishing you all the best!

dellas1979

Hate slugs like this.

I'll tell you, youre a wiser woman than me on this, because TBH OP - I would be letting the cat out of the bag, telling the truth, and shaming the life out of her.

So, please ignore my advice, and just ignore her.

The reality is its not up to you to teach her a lesson. She is who she is. And maybe she will learn at some stage in her life.

LegacyUser

ConfusedAndUpset wrote: »

... I think she has mental issues and I don't know if I should go or not. She would have no problem turning up and acting as if nothing happened. I just want her out of my life but I feel like if I don't go I am letting her win?

A bit of a bug of mine, but please do not equate someone behaving horribly with someone having mental health issues. I'm sure you just used that as an unfortunate turn of phrase, but it still hurts.

She is behaving dreadfully, and yes, it's possible that she does have mental health issues - but to automatically tie bad behaviour to mental health issues only increases the stigma that people with genuine issues feel.

It's quite possible that her bad behaviour has less to do with 'mental issues', and more to do with her being a jealous person, to whom you had the blinkers on for ages.

Aimeee

Hi OP
Similar experience here a few years ago. Yes i was feeling the "this is 14year old girl stuff/ridiculous at my age" too. Even now i find myself remembering the odd thing and getting annoyed for not seeing things sooner.
I really just want to echo the advice not to avoid things that you want to attend. I did avoid as I just couldn't deal with any (more) confrontation.
This did lead to a social isolation from what was a decent group of friends at the time.
Go to your outings and if you can, act like nothing is wrong, like you don't care what she's done etc. You have to act like her really but keep your emotions out of it. The best way to move on from people like her is to give them a taste of themselves and they cannot deal with it at all.
It's hard as it's not your natural way and you will feel mean. Think of it as self preservation. Lesson learned on your part too. It was for me anyway. Be very careful of the ones you click with so quickly & intensely.
I see the person involved every few days, still some mutual friends and it's still hard but i see her in a completely different way now. It's the type of person she is. There's only so far those friendships go anyway. I've seen her since move onto someone else as there was gains to be had at the time. It's fascinating really and i kind of admire her gaul in a way. You will meet more like her in the workplace but you'll recognise her/him this time.

Mongfinder General

OP, just get rid. Put as much distance as possible between you and her.