Like my husband is leading a double life

LegacyUser

Im going unreg for this as I dont want to risk anyone knowing who I am.

I feel like my husband is leading two different lives. We have a 6 month old together who he appears to me mad about but I am now getting the impression he feels like part of his life is taken from him.

He goes through fazes every few months of wanting to go off the rails. He drinks in secret and i know this for a fact. Example : Since tuesday gone, he has drank every night, (which I am not happy about), but will lie about how much he is drinking. Tonight, he came home from work, he had 3 beers in front of me and said oh thats me done now. I came up to bed, and about an hour ago he stumbles into the room, so drunk. I have a fog horn next to me. And my bababy is sleeping in his cot.

Ive been having so much suspicions about him that i did something im not proud off. I checked his facebook messages on my phone. It confirmed him drinking but i found out something worse. He was talking about organising a night out with his pal from work, where they will "buy a bag" and book into a hotel room.

I feel so insulted. I feel he has no respect. He has a young child a will deliberately put our child at risk of not having a dad due to drugs (extremes I know, but still a possibility).

I mind our child morning noon and night while my husband is working but i will never complain that im not getting a night out etc because I love my son and will do anything for him. My husband is being so irresponsible and selfish.

Ive asked him to leave before in a row, and he told me no, that I should leave. Im painting such a bad picture of him. This has come as a shock to me tonight. He acts so nice and normal to my face most times.

turnikett1

It sounds like ye need to talk as opposed to spying on him drinking in secret... That doesn't sound healthy! I'm no fountain of wisdom (or a parent), but I would imagine having a child is a very emotionally intense experience, and perhaps he has trouble coping with it times. Men have a tendency to drink when they are troubled (as do women, but men much more frequently), but you really need to just talk to him and ask him what's wrong. I can understand you probably feel disrespected and unappreciated minding the child all the time while he's off drinking in secret, but he's not going to be made aware of this unless you tell him. So ask him how he feels, tell him how you feel and get to the root of this. If he does love you and yer child, then he'll listen.

Also by "a bag", I'm going to assume he means weed... Your son isn't going to become fatherless over a bit of weed To be honest I would be much much more ok with him smoking weed as a means of stress relief as opposed to getting hammered in secret. I probably wouldn't tell him you looked at his messages and found out. I would just let him go off with his friend to smoke a bit for the night, but not before I've confronted him about his hidden drinking and the fact I feel he's leading a double life.

This seems like an issue that could be resolved very maturely, responsibly and smoothly, or will be a source of drama and tension. It's all about how you approach it and the two of you engage with it!

cruais

To me, "a bag" represents cocaine

I'd be worried about the buy a bag comment OP.
Anytime I see/ hear about people getting drugs & a hotel room, it isn't just two men, it's more of a party room.
Is his work friend male? Do you know him?

Has you husband always drank quite heavily, have you see or heard of him doing drugs in the past?
I have heard some men feel redundant when they have a baby, not that it excuses his behaviour.

CaraMay

Do you know which hotel? Can you just show up and see what's going on

LegacyUser

Op here. Thanks for reply.

Its so frustrating. He was up at 7 looking after the baby. Acting normal and no questions as to why I am not really talking to him.

In his messages he says that "women ruin the buzz" and lets go get fecked up on drink and a bag for the mcgregor fight in july. He will book the time off and go on a bender for 2 days.

Im just hurt. We have such a beautiful little boy. Words cannot describe how much I love our son and feel that by talking this way, my husband doesnt care.

tradhead

If I were you I would try and talk to him, but I definitely wouldn't mention the fact that you looked through his phone as it will only undermine any valid points that you have and he will likely lose the head and refuse to discuss anything calmly or logically.

Just tackle the issues that you can see in front of you, and rather than get angry at him (although I honestly feel you have every right to be!), try and see what's going on with him to make him behave in this way, as it appears to be out of character for him. As someone else said, it could be that he's freaking out a bit about the responsibility of parenthood and everything else and just doesn't know how to talk about it.

The Princess Bride

OP, in your posts you mention twice that you love your son and that your husband appears to be mad about your son.
But what about you and your husband?
Do you think there's a chance he feels neglected since the baby's birth?
Let's face it- a first baby and everything that follows, most couples are shellshocked for ages!

About his drinking - what was it like before the baby?
If it's suddenly changed, it seems to me he's just realised that with parenthood, your priorities change and perhaps, he wasn't as prepared for this as he might have thought he was 6 months ago.

You both need to sit down and have a proper chat- as your life isn't gonna get easier as your child gets older, it's gonna get busier.
But this should be a magical time for you both; watching your baby change and grow, not a time for anger and bitterness and immaturity.
You need to communicate -get it all out and be brutally honest.

Best of luck.

Augme

If his drinking means he can't look after the child then I could understand, but you've not mention anything about that. So I'm not really sure what your issue is, do you think he should never get drunk anymore?

strandroad

Augme wrote: »

If his drinking means he can't look after the child then I could understand, but you've not mention anything about that. So I'm not really sure what your issue is, do you think he should never get drunk anymore?

If he's getting drunk every day at home it's a bad sign altogether. It's one thing to not be able to let his lad's life go while the wife is stuck at home but they can compromise there; however to take up regular drinking to such a degree can be detrimental to his health, his parenting and their relationship very quickly.

There is not much you can OP apart from bringing it up again and again, especially the regular home drinking part. It's not something you want your baby to grow up with and see as normal.

Eric Cartman

It sounds to me like he's just stressed with the new baby and trying to deal with that stress in an unhealthy way with the drinking every day.

Id leave him alone about the 2 day bender , "bag" and drinking in july , Everyone needs to blow off steam and it just sounds like a lads weekend to me.

Try taking a more positive attitude, look after yourself and your kid and maybe organise that each of you can have a night a week to go out with friends and do whatever, and the other person takes full responsibility for looking after the baby till the next morning. If he has one night where he can go mental down the pub with the lads without even a hint of a complaint from you it may curtail the mid week drinking.

ja1986

The bag is anything but weed by the way.and I would feel the exact same as you about it.

Toots

ja1986 wrote: »

The bag is anything but weed by the way.and I would feel the exact same as you about it.

I agree. I don't think they'd be getting a hotel room and smoking a bag of weed in it purely because it'd stink the whole place out and they'd probably be hit with a deep cleaning charge from the hotel.

I'm not trying to sound like a prude, but I'd have a big problem with it if my husband decided to go on a 2 day bender of drinking and hard drug use while I was left at home with the baby.

Is the drug use a new thing or did he do it before the baby came?

Eric Cartman

Eric Cartman wrote: »

Id leave him alone about the 2 day bender , "bag" and drinking in july , Everyone needs to blow off steam and it just sounds like a lads weekend to me.

Try taking a more positive attitude, look after yourself and your kid and maybe organise that each of you can have a night a week to go out with friends and do whatever, and the other person takes full responsibility for looking after the baby till the next morning. If he has one night where he can go mental down the pub with the lads without even a hint of a complaint from you it may curtail the mid week drinking.

Er, what? Seriously? No way OP would I ' let him off on a lads weekend'
That's crazy talk!. I presume both of ye decided to have a child? He made half a baby, he wanted a baby, he should be there, looking after the baby!
I don't believe he should be off, getting drunk, getting high, leaving you to do all the work.
That's not fair OP!

Confucius say

bubblypop wrote: »

Er, what? Seriously? No way OP would I ' let him off on a lads weekend'
That's crazy talk!. I presume both of ye decided to have a child? He made half a baby, he wanted a baby, he should be there, looking after the baby!
I don't believe he should be off, getting drunk, getting high, leaving you to do all the work.
That's not fair OP!

So you wouldn't "let" your partner go away or out with his mates? That's what's called being a control freak and abusive. If he's having a couple of beers a night big deal, I do it myself sometimes. If he's falling around hammered regularly and being a bad father that's a big problem but is this the case?
A bag most likely means cocaine. I know quite a few great fathers who'd do the odd line here and there, it's just normal for a lot of people these days. I think you need to ease off on the guy imo.

CaraMay

I really wouldn't want a 'father' who is drinking every day and doing Coke as a parent to my child. He's some role model

Of course it's hard on the couple when a child arrives but trying to drink and drugs can only rip the family unit apart. I don't know why people are saying not to challenge him. The baby is here. If he can't be a good father then he needs to ship out

Confucius say

Confucius say wrote: »

So you wouldn't "let" your partner go away or out with his mates? That's what's called being a control freak and abusive. If he's having a couple of beers a night big deal, I do it myself sometimes. If he's falling around hammered regularly and being a bad father that's a big problem but is this the case?
A bag most likely means cocaine. I know quite a few great fathers who'd do the odd line here and there, it's just normal for a lot of people these days. I think you need to ease off on the guy imo.

No, that sounds bad! I'd have no problem letting my other half away for a weekend with his buddies. He would do the same for me.
It was just what I was reading, he sounds like he is not involved at home, & going out ' getting a bag' and plenty of drink I wouldn't like that!
I think time away from each other is normally essential, just the OP other half doesn't seem in there same space!

dobman88

I thought it meant a bag of cans. Am I being naive? Unless his behaviour is affecting his ability to mind the child, what's the problem with a few drinks?

CaraMay

There's nothing wrong with a few drinks but he's lying about how much he's drinking

dobman88

CaraMay wrote: »

There's nothing wrong with a few drinks but he's lying about how much he's drinking

Maybe the wife has been a bit controlling so he feels the need to hide it? Like everything, there's two sides and we're only getting one here so I'm playing devil's advocate.

blacklilly

Confucius say wrote: »

So you wouldn't "let" your partner go away or out with his mates? That's what's called being a control freak and abusive. If he's having a couple of beers a night big deal, I do it myself sometimes. If he's falling around hammered regularly and being a bad father that's a big problem but is this the case?
A bag most likely means cocaine. I know quite a few great fathers who'd do the odd line here and there, it's just normal for a lot of people these days. I think you need to ease off on the guy imo.

CS doing an odd line is not the norm, to suggest so is imo irresponsible. The majority of adults do not use illegal drugs, this is a fact.
Just because this man is "not falling around hammered" does not mean that he doesn't have some issue with alcohol. Unfortunately it is views like the ones which you hold on this matter that has lead to us being known as people who abuse alcohol.
OP I too would be concerned, this is not about being controlling, the OP's husband sounds selfish and irresponsible and needs to come back down to reality. They have a child together, he needs to concentrate on that, forget about doing drugs and also look at his alcohol use.

Augme

mhge wrote: »

If he's getting drunk every day at home it's a bad sign altogether. It's one thing to not be able to let his lad's life go while the wife is stuck at home but they can compromise there; however to take up regular drinking to such a degree can be detrimental to his health, his parenting and their relationship very quickly.

There is not much you can OP apart from bringing it up again and again, especially the regular home drinking part. It's not something you want your baby to grow up with and see as normal.

There's a massive difference between getting drunk everyday and drinking every day. She says he's drank every day since Tuesday but only mentioned him being drunk on Saturday. Getting drunk on a Saturday night is hardly crime of the century.

OP, to me it looks like you are being extremely controlling and it's probably pushing him to drink more and it's adding to the stress and anxiety of the situation. You both need to learn to communicate properly, like adults, and to treat each other like adults.

Hollister11

cruais wrote: »

To me, "a bag" represents cocaine

A bad would be weed

Confucius say

Hollister11 wrote: »

A bad would be weed

Stop it. It's not cans or weed. It's coke. 100%.

blacklilly

Augme wrote: »

There's a massive difference between getting drunk everyday and drinking every day. She says he's drank every day since Tuesday but only mentioned him being drunk on Saturday. Getting drunk on a Saturday night is hardly crime of the century.

OP, to me it looks like you are being extremely controlling and it's probably pushing him to drink more and it's adding to the stress and anxiety of the situation. You both need to learn to communicate properly, like adults, and to treat each other like adults.

Seriously, someone doesn't' need to be getting drunk every day for there to be an issue. Someone can be alcohol dependent without being an alcoholic, it's still an issue and one which would necessitate concern.
OP you need to have a conversation with your us and, outline your concerns, ask him if theres things that are bothering him and if you can help inn yeah. Communication is key

Confucius say

blacklilly wrote: »

CS doing an odd line is not the norm, to suggest so is imo irresponsible. The majority of adults do not use illegal drugs, this is a fact.
Just because this man is "not falling around hammered" does not mean that he doesn't have some issue with alcohol. Unfortunately it is views like the ones which you hold on this matter that has lead to us being known as people who abuse alcohol.
OP I too would be concerned, this is not about being controlling, the OP's husband sounds selfish and irresponsible and needs to come back down to reality. They have a child together, he needs to concentrate on that, forget about doing drugs and also look at his alcohol use.

He wants to do a bit of blow with his buddy and he likes a few beers. This girl could be a nagging controlling lunatic for all we know. If she insists on hacking his Facebook etc and that's the worst she read I think she's doing ok.

Augme

blacklilly wrote: »

Seriously, someone doesn't' need to be getting drunk every day for there to be an issue. Someone can be alcohol dependent without being an alcoholic, it's still an issue and one which would necessitate concern.
OP you need to have a conversation with your us and, outline your concerns, ask him if theres things that are bothering him and if you can help inn yeah. Communication is key

And someone can drink every day and not be alcohol dependent.

blacklilly

Confucius say wrote: »

He wants to do a bit of blow with his buddy and he likes a few beers. This girl could be a nagging controlling lunatic for all we know. If she insists on hacking his Facebook etc and that's the worst she read I think she's doing ok.

Charming, thankfully the majority of couples in happy relationships don't have to put up with this stuff.
You can posture all you like about what the op might be like, I'm just going on the information provided to us. No one should "have to out up" with this bah ions. What a spiteful attitude to have.

If I had a baby.
No matter how old.
& that baby's father was out drinking, taking drugs & drinking when u have gone to bed, to the extent that he was no help to me.
( what if baby got sick? Who brings him to hospital? )

Two people made a baby, two people should look after that baby.

jayo26

Has the man actually done anything but have a few cans on the qt? he has said to one of his male pals a bunch of macho stuff in private I think a lot of fellas have at least one mate that over talk stuff behind the other half's back but when that push came to shove its all talk.

Talk to the man if you feel you can't talk to him But have to go snooping instead you have more proplems then a bit of macho talk.

Chocolate fiend

It's the sneaking around behind your back that would hurt the most, the plans to buy and use(take) drugs without telling you anything about it. Trust is huge, it is probably the most important thing in a relationship, and if you can't trust him about this then it is hard to go forward.

Toots

It doesn't sound like he's planning on "doing a few lines with his buddy" getting a bag between two of them suggests that it's going to be a bit more than that. I may seem paranoid, but a girl I went to school with OD'd on coke and died - it's a risk. This guy has a kid now, he has a family who rely on him. TBH if my hubby went off for a weekend with the lads and ended up smoking a bag of weed, it wouldn't bother me. Everyone needs a break now and then. A bag of coke or similar, however, I would have a massive problem with.

sillysmiles

Inaquandry wrote: »

I mind our child morning noon and night while my husband is working but i will never complain that im not getting a night out etc

To the people saying just let him be he needs lads night out - what about her? He is out of the house all day and then comes home and drinks. When does he step up to help in raising his child?


As for him being put out by the change in circumstances - grow up! He's a father to a new baby. He has had over a year to get used to the idea that things change. It is time for him to stop being selfish.

OP in the order hand you do need to make sure that in being there all the time that you haven't isolated your husband from you and your son.
Then you need to talk to him.

strandroad

Confucius say wrote: »

He wants to do a bit of blow with his buddy and he likes a few beers. This girl could be a nagging controlling lunatic for all we know. If she insists on hacking his Facebook etc and that's the worst she read I think she's doing ok.

Imagine a young mother drinking everyday and setting up a drugs session in a hotel with her girlfriends to see how silly it sounds to say that it's an acceptable way of dealing with baby related stress...

armaghlad

Talk to him. I find it funny how people are more concerned about him possibly getting some coke over him constantly drinking. Which is worse? I know which one I'd chose. Start by confronting him on his drinking. Tell him it makes you uncomfortable and ask him to ease off if possible. He may be stressed so acknowledge that to him. Tell him you want more transparency. Taking coke isn't the worst crime in the world. Young and middle aged men take it now and again for an extra buzz. Not my cup of tea but it's IMHO not as bad as the constant drinking. You should maybe come clean about snooping on his Facebook. He shouldn't be hiding anything from you so it's not like you've comprised his privacy in my book. Once he knows you're aware of his habits he'll know he had to address them.

Neyite

mhge wrote: »

Imagine a young mother drinking everyday and setting up a drugs session in a hotel with her girlfriends to see how silly it sounds to say that it's an acceptable way of dealing with baby related stress...

A very good point. It sounds awful when you put it like that - Imagine a new dad comes on here and says that his partner is drinking in secret, leaves him to do absolutely everything with the baby and the house, goes out drinking every weekend with her mates, and he's now found out that she's planning a massive drugs bender with her friend.

So if its disgusting and irresponsible for a mother to do it, it should follow that it's equally disgusting and irresponsible for a father to do it too.

Priorities should change when you have a baby. You can keep elements of your social life from before, but parenting is a shared burden. For a person to go out on the piss every weekend knowing that their partner is at home scrubbing bottles, picking up toys, doing all the housework and doing the night wakes is hugely disrespectful. Where is her break? Her night out? Her lie in with a hangover. In any relationship you should have consideration for your partner and not dump extra work on them.

OP, I do think its important to talk to him about it, but like any substance abuse issue, be prepared for denial and deflection. I'd be tempted to take the hard line with it myself, but you have to do what feels right for you. Is there anyone that you can confide in in real life?

Katgurl

Ok I can see why you're upset OP, anyone would be in your shoes.

You need to talk to your husband, find out what's going on with him. Is there anyway you can organise a babysitter so the two of you can have some time away from the house and baby.

Imo the particulars (how much alcohol or the bag of cocaine) aren't as important as the bigger picture that the man is simply not stepping up to his role as a father / husband. This is what you need to address.

Talk to him. Ask him first is he happy, how he feels about things, have things turned out as expected, if he feels scared, overwhelmed etc. Don't attack him or he won't be honest.

Then tell him how you feel; you need support, you need to be able to rely on him, you feel alone in the parenting / marriage etc. You need to let him know how serious this is.

You married the man, you say he's a good guy, you can work it out if you both want to.

If he's not open to fixing then or even acknowledging you in this then I'm sorry but I think you would be better off suggesting he leave at least for a while.

Chemical Byrne

Well OP I'd be unimpressed if my gf behaved like that if we had a baby. You're right to be angry. Firstly despite what others think about it, I am of the opinion that his use of illegal drugs is completely inexcusable, period. Nothing good ever comes out of drug use and despite the legal aspect and risks to health he will be setting a dreadfully poor example to his son if he continues. As a married parent, I would even consider it unacceptable to be drinking to the extend of being very drunk. It's not responsible behaviour and I don't think anyone, parent or otherwise, should have to abuse substances to have a good time and relieve stress. I'd be calling him out on that if I were you.

Now I come to the issue of him gallivanting off at every opportunity and leaving you to do the bulk of the parenting duties. If that is the case I don't think that is acceptable either. I think you need to tell him

Boohoo if he is finding parenting stressful and a major life change. Ask how he thinks YOU feel given that you appear to be lumped with the vast majority of the work. He needs to manage his stress and social time in a more responsible manner.

Your relationship doesn't sound very fair and balanced tbh.

We've come to the understanding that when we do have a family that central to everybody's happiness it maintaining a fair balance of parenting & home duties, time together and time doing our own thing. ie. we'd strike a balance between spending time as a family, spending time together as a couple and spend time by ourselves (with friends). That's the plan, but I'm sure itll be much more complicated when the time comes.

Have you spoken to him about the bahaviour yet?

Augme

sillysmiles wrote: »

To the people saying just let him be he needs lads night out - what about her? He is out of the house all day and then comes home and drinks. When does he step up to help in raising his child?


As for him being put out by the change in circumstances - grow up! He's a father to a new baby. He has had over a year to get used to the idea that things change. It is time for him to stop being selfish.

OP in the order hand you do need to make sure that in being there all the time that you haven't isolated your husband from you and your son.
Then you need to talk to him.

He already is.

Inaquandry wrote: »

Op here. Thanks for reply.

Its so frustrating. He was up at 7 looking after the baby. Acting normal and no questions as to why I am not really talking to him.

In his messages he says that "women ruin the buzz" and lets go get fecked up on drink and a bag for the mcgregor fight in july. He will book the time off and go on a bender for 2 days.

Im just hurt. We have such a beautiful little boy. Words cannot describe how much I love our son and feel that by talking this way, my husband doesnt care.

Neyite wrote: »

A very good point. It sounds awful when you put it like that - Imagine a new dad comes on here and says that his partner is drinking in secret, leaves him to do absolutely everything with the baby and the house, goes out drinking every weekend with her mates, and he's now found out that she's planning a massive drugs bender with her friend.

So if its disgusting and irresponsible for a mother to do it, it should follow that it's equally disgusting and irresponsible for a father to do it too.

Priorities should change when you have a baby. You can keep elements of your social life from before, but parenting is a shared burden. For a person to go out on the piss every weekend knowing that their partner is at home scrubbing bottles, picking up toys, doing all the housework and doing the night wakes is hugely disrespectful. Where is her break? Her night out? Her lie in with a hangover. In any relationship you should have consideration for your partner and not dump extra work on them.

OP, I do think its important to talk to him about it, but like any substance abuse issue, be prepared for denial and deflection. I'd be tempted to take the hard line with it myself, but you have to do what feels right for you. Is there anyone that you can confide in in real life?

When did she say he was out on the piss every weekend? The one evening she mentions him being drunk he was at home all evening and he woke up the following day at 7 to look after their child.

homerjay2005

like every story, there is two sides.

i believe the OP is only giving here side and is completely blowing things out of proportion.

last week was St Paddys week, i know alot of people who were out Thursday, friday and Saturday, drinking 3 cans at home wouldnt exactly be my idea of a bender.

should he be more understanding? yes of course, but he doesnt sound like the complete alcoholic druglord that the OP is making out. is the OP a bit of a drama queen blowing things out of proportion?

i suggest, the truth lies somewhere in between.

LegacyUser

homerjay2005 wrote: »

like every story, there is two sides.

i believe the OP is only giving here side and is completely blowing things out of proportion.

last week was St Paddys week, i know alot of people who were out Thursday, friday and Saturday, drinking 3 cans at home wouldnt exactly be my idea of a bender.

should he be more understanding? yes of course, but he doesnt sound like the complete alcoholic druglord that the OP is making out.

i suggest, the truth lies somewhere in between.

You could say that for any post on boards. Of cause there is two sides too every story that goes without saying. But as we have no way of knowing the other side we have to pretty much take the OPs post at face value. I don't think there's anything about this OPs post that seems particularly disingenuous.

OP I don't think this is acceptable at all. I couldn't stand to be in a relationship where my partner was sneaking around behind my back and planning drugs a binge. It's not so much the drugs (although I wouldn't exactly be overjoyed about that with a young which at home) it's more the dishonesty.

I also think it sounds like your partner could have a serious drink issues. Drinking in secret is a sign of alcoholism, I have seen it myself in family members. Is he like this all of the time or just now and again? It's not an environment I would want to bring up a child in if it's often like that.

If you want to save this relationship I think you need to look at professional help.

homerjay2005

Court Road13 wrote: »

Drinking in secret is a sign of alcoholism, I have seen it myself in family members.

or maybe he has to drink in secret due to the constant nagging and drama antics of the OP? maybe the problems at home, are driving him to drink?

not suggesting this is the case, but it could be a factor.

Chemical Byrne

I think op needs to sit him down and give him a few home truths, show him thus thread perhaps.

I'd be putting down an ultimatum that this isn't the behaviour of a responsible adult and father and that if the relationship has a future he will need to shape up or ship out.

Vixen24

mhge wrote: »

Imagine a young mother drinking everyday and setting up a drugs session in a hotel with her girlfriends to see how silly it sounds to say that it's an acceptable way of dealing with baby related stress...

This is so true! Can you imagine if the mother was at this, the replies would be rabid with rage

intheclouds

Perhaps I am a prude but nowhere among anyone I know would multiple day "benders" that include both alcohol and hard (or even soft) drugs be considered normal at all. And certainly not normal for someone who is a relatively new parent.

People booking into hotel rooms to drink and do drugs for a a couple of days - seriously - who does that? It sounds like something the gangsters in Love/Hate would do.

I definitely do not think the OP is overreacting to be upset over such plans.

OP - why not just tell him you saw the messages on his phone and confront him over it? You are a supposedly committed couple, you live together and have a baby together, so tell him you saw the plans and how upset you are over them?

I think he must have a problem with drugs or alcohol because what you describe really isnt normal behaviour.

ElleEm

Inaquandry wrote: »

I feel like my husband is leading two different lives. We have a 6 month old together who he appears to me mad about but I am now getting the impression he feels like part of his life is taken from him.
.

You seem to have jumped to that conclusion out of nowhere! Just because you or your husband have become a parent, does not mean that the person you were before goes away. He does not have to sacrifice having a night out with a friend or a few beers in front of the TV because he is a dad. You should start doing these sorts of things too, you are more than just a mother. It does not mean you love your son any less if you have a night out with your friends. If you are unhappy about the amount or frequency he drinks, then you need to speak with him directly about it. If you are against drug use, then you need to speak with him about it. Both of these things are very individual to what is expected in a relationship so noone here can advise you except for telling you to speak to your husband. You should also try to make a bit of time for yourselves, without your baby.

LegacyUser

Chocolate fiend wrote: »

It's the sneaking around behind your back that would hurt the most, the plans to buy and use(take) drugs without telling you anything about it. Trust is huge, it is probably the most important thing in a relationship, and if you can't trust him about this then it is hard to go forward.

What about the OP's sneaking around checking her partner's phone? Poor guy can't have a few beers without the OP going all MI5 and invading his privacy. Massively disrespectful. The OP presumably knew her partner was partial to some drug-use prior to having a kid with him.

It would be different if the beer was impacting how he raised his kid (but he was still up bright and early) or how he worked or whatever but nothing the OP says suggests that.

I'd be livid if my partner thought so little of me that they disregarded by privacy as easily as the OP did to her partner.

intheclouds

InternationalWaters wrote: »

What about the OP's sneaking around checking her partner's phone? Poor guy can't have a few beers without the OP going all MI5 and invading his privacy. Massively disrespectful. The OP presumably knew her partner was partial to some drug-use prior to having a kid with him.

It would be different if the beer was impacting how he raised his kid (but he was still up bright and early) or how he worked or whatever but nothing the OP says suggests that.

I'd be livid if my partner thought so little of me that they disregarded by privacy as easily as the OP did to her partner.

I just don't buy this. When people live together, share a bed, a home, a child and a life together, this notion of "privacy" just isn't the same as it was before lives were shared.

I quite often see messages on my husbands phone or FB or even his email account, from perfectly ordinary life sharing activities where he would tell me the parcel motel number was in his text messages so could I get it or could I print a particular email for him or would I check something because he was in a place with no wifi. Same goes for my devices. Shared lives, if people trust each other and more importantly, are not trying to hide things from each other, then getting hot and bothered about phone privacy is a bit of a red herring.

I mean, cohabiting couples share bank accounts, need to access text messages from the crèche, the school, the doctors etc... Looking at each other's phone is really a normal activity for most couples with kids.

Even if I bought into the "disrespecting his privacy" idea, which I don't, his planned transgress is so much larger in the scheme of things that I wouldn't even notice or care about how she came by that information. A father planning a multiple day hotel room drink and hard drug bender is a much more serious relationship deal breaker than one partner looking at a message on the others phone.

CaraMay

She wouldn't be checked his phone if he was acting normally

LegacyUser

CaraMay wrote: »

She wouldn't be checked his phone if he was acting normally

Yep, I had this with my ex, he was a problem drinker but then I suspected he was doing drugs, he had done drugs in the past (we both had) but that was all knocked on the head when we decided to have kids...years down the line he started coming home clearly out of it, I confronted him and he lied and I checked his messages (for the first time ever) and yes he had been doing drugs.

MaroonAndGreen

intheclouds wrote:

People booking into hotel rooms to drink and do drugs for a a couple of days - seriously - who does that? It sounds like something the gangsters in Love/Hate would do.

I hope I don't come across as condescending but that is a very very naive statement, on any given weekend there are 1000's of people doing similar in Ireland.

Quite common, drug use is growing rapidly here