Why won't some people ever apologize?

Stonedpilot

I experienced something recently where a former friend got drunk and said something very insulting about a dying relative in the heat of the moment after losing in a trivial game of pool. I was shocked and was taken aback and haven't spoken to him since. I don't hold grudges but I was very disappointed and betrayed. I would forgive and forget if a simply apology was forthcoming but it isn't and won't be. In fact I know this person will avoid me as to not to apologize!.

I know of another situation where a barman was screaming and f-ing and blinding at a regular guy for something he did not do in his pub. The barman subsequently found out it wasn't him but rather than apologize he simply blanks the guy and it has ruined the relationship they had. With both of them now hating each other!.



I can think of several more occasions where someone is accussed, insulted, betrayed etc in these situations like this and I personally will apologize if I know I did wrong and mean it. I find it so bizarre that people simply cannot admit they did wrong, swallow their pride and say sorry. Are they that unbelievably stubborn? I know you can get people out of your life and it sure can show you someone in their true light but frankly I really am surprised how many people know they have done wrong and will never ever apologize to the person. It's sad really.

theteal

Do you know what's unforgivable?


American spelling!

ben.schlomo

Not as sad as a double negative.:eek:

nullzero

Because they're not sorry.

biko

I find people are usually idiots. This helps explain a lot of things.

JohnnyChimpo

Yeah, some people are arseholes. So it goes.

Knex*

nullzero wrote: »

Because they're not sorry.

Case closed.

Now to Ann with the weather.

Speedwell

theteal wrote: »

Do you know what's unforgivable?


American spelling!

Hey, some of us are Yanks and we forget.

Mesrine65

Because some believe that apologizing is a sign of weakness, when in fact it's the opposite & a sign of the better person IMHO

lowelife

Speedwell wrote: »

Hey, some of us are Yanks and we forget.

I'm pretty sure this isn't what's required in this thread....away with your apologies

sKeith

lowelife wrote: »

I'm pretty sure this isn't what's required in this thread....away with your apologies

that's an excuse, not an apology.

Elemonator

I don;t know OP. The dying relative is EXACTLY identical to a situation in my friend group except they tried to pin it on mental illness that they did not have. I'm not sure is it out of shame or awkwardness but perhaps if they are that character type, it is better off to keep your distance anyway.

GLaDOS

I never apologise. I'm sorry, that's just the way I am.

Olishi4

I think they either truly do not believe that they were wrong or they justify it to themself by making excuses rather than self reflect, they look for external reasons. Some people will also be too ashamed of their actions to face giving an apology.

I once confronted someone over something and they appeared to apologise and deny it ever happened in one sentence.

Stonedpilot

Mesrine65 wrote: »

Because some believe that apologizing is a sign of weakness, when in fact it's the opposite & a sign of the better person IMHO

This!.

I know many people who are narcissistic and see it as them being wrong or weak so will never admit to wrongdoing. But the better person can admit it.

As for someone saying they aren't sorry, maybe they aren't but unless they have sawdust for brains they can see they were in the wrong. Whether they are sorry about it is another matter.

RedXIV

I used to hate apologising for stuff, but realised years ago that it's possibly one of the most endearing and humanising traits we have. Not only that, but if you know you need to apologise for something it hangs over your head, but if you apologise you either:
A) get the problem resolved and everything is hunky dory or
made the effort and can die happily knowing the other person is a jerk

lowelife

sKeith wrote: »

that's an excuse, not an apology.

I saw what you did there....
Oh my bad...f*** off

😊

razorblunt

ScienceNerd wrote: »

I never apologise. I'm sorry, that's just the way I am.

This would have been my contribution to this thread.
I wish you all well.

RobertKK

Sorry, but I always apolgise if I see myself in the wrong. Then sometimes you say sorry too much and are told 'you don't need to keep saying you are sorry', with a reply of 'sorry'.

BlondeMoment

I used to go out with a lad like this and know a few others the same. One of the worst character traits in my opinion. Its pure stubborness and pig ignorance.
Usually people with notions of themselves are the culprits in my experience.

cml387

These incidents all seem to happen in a pub.

Don't go into pubs.

Stonedpilot

I think a lot of people who can't say sorry are often mentally ill. As in total sociopaths who see no consequences whatsoever to anything they do.

Perhaps these folk are best avoided.

maudgonner

False apologies are worse. "I'm sorry if you took offence at what I said", instead of "I'm sorry that I said something offensive".


i.e. I'm right and you're just thin skinned and too silly to see how right I am. It's all your fault. Grrr.

Stonedpilot

cml387 wrote: »

These incidents all seem to happen in a pub.

Don't go into pubs.

Ha not all of them!. Know of a situation where someone was accused of theft in the workplace by a colleague. Turned out to be bullcrap but the person accused was deeply offended and upset and did the accuser say sorry?. Not a chance.

The Backwards Man

I don't really see the point of making a big deal out of apologising to be honest. If you're sorry you're sorry, if you're not you're not. It doesn't change anything.

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

theteal wrote: »

Do you know what's unforgivable?


American spelling!

The use of -iz(e) is around a lot longer than the USA

seamus

Serious answer - because people tend not to like conflict and are embarrassed about their behaviour.

In order to apologise, the apologiser needs to feel like the other person is open to apology. They've done something stupid, now they have to revisit that and admit to their stupidity. That alone is embarrassing. But you're also faced with the possibility that the offended person won't accept your apology, and might even go off on one at you. Now you're left doubly vulnerable - apologising and being attacked at the same time.

It's not an easy one to suck up and most people would rather avoid it and hope it goes away.

It's also likely/possible that someone's not aware of how upsetting their actions were, or that they were upsetting at all. The upset person feels like the relationship has been damaged and is waiting for an apology. The other person is waiting for time to make the problem go away on its own, unaware of why they haven't really seen their mate for a while.

If you've really been hurt by someone you want to keep in your life, then you kind of need to take the first step and tell them that.

One eyed Jack

I just don't see the necessity in it. I'd sooner just let it go and move on than either apologise or have someone feel they need to apologise. If someone wants to show remorse for their words or their actions, then they do so through their actions, not their words.

There's not much more annoying than someone who apologises for having done nothing wrong. They're equally as annoying as someone who apologises with the expectation that I will apologise in kind, just for the sake of it.

endacl

ben.schlomo wrote: »

Not as sad as a double negative.:eek:

Double negatives are a no no.

:pac:

the evasion_kid

they don't want to admit error or too protect their own conscience, time has a way of making people see things in a different light though than when it first happened. I've had people in the past come back months later and try get in touch or make amends were something has been gnawing at them.....I'm not the forgiving type though.

Superhorse

I always find it funny when someone goes on a drunken rant about a friend/family member etc.. and later apologizes. Most of the time they are just letting out how they actually feel about the person and aren't brave enough to tell it sober.

Leogirl

My OH is like this+it's so upsetting at times. He absolutely refuses to admit if he's in the wrong, refuses to apologise or even discuss it. I think it's ignorant+ pig headed+ causes as much hurt as the words or deeds he should apologise for. For me it means things are never fully resolved+ I carry it, I try to let go but don't always succeed.

I don't think he'll ever change :-(

Stonedpilot

Leogirl wrote: »

My OH is like this+it's so upsetting at times. He absolutely refuses to admit if he's in the wrong, refuses to apologise or even discuss it. I think it's ignorant+ pig headed+ causes as much hurt as the words or deeds he should apologise for. For me it means things are never fully resolved+ I carry it, I try to let go but don't always succeed.

I don't think he'll ever change :-(

Do you really want him to change?.

I know most people who can never admit wrongdoings only get worse and more stubborn as time goes by, keep that in mind.

Hammer89

Mesrine65 wrote: »

Because some believe that apologizing is a sign of weakness, when in fact it's the opposite & a sign of the better person IMHO

I'd agree with the first part to some extent, but I wouldn't say someone who apologises for their actions is an inherently better human being than someone who doesn't.

I can of course see why it seems that way, but ultimately I think it boils down to people's intense fear of rejection. When you apologise, you're making yourself vulnerable, and it's going to hurt if the person you're apologising to tells you to f*ck off.

It's a gamble and some just aren't prepared to risk the hurt of saying sorry incase it isn't accepted. They might be genuinely sorry, but they play it safe by not saying it. That's my theory.

Obviously in some cases it can be simple stubbornness and ego, but in a lot of cases I do think it stems from a fear of rejection too.

Ice Maiden

biko wrote: »

I find people are usually idiots. This helps explain a lot of things.

"People are usually idiots except of course me/my loved ones!"

Knowing they're in the wrong and too embarrassed to admit it. I wouldn't even care about an apology, just an acknowledgment of wrongdoing is enough sometimes.

maudgonner

Hammer89 wrote: »

I'd agree with the first part to some extent, but I wouldn't say someone who apologises for their actions is an inherently better human being than someone who doesn't.

I can of course see why it seems that way, but ultimately I think it boils down to people's intense fear of rejection. When you apologise, you're making yourself vulnerable, and it's going to hurt if the person you're apologising to tells you to f*ck off.

It's a gamble and some just aren't prepared to risk the hurt of saying sorry incase it isn't accepted. They might be genuinely sorry, but they play it safe by not saying it. That's my theory.

Obviously in some cases it can be simple stubbornness and ego, but in a lot of cases I do think it stems from a fear of rejection too.

Yeah, but then they're putting their own feelings (fear of rejection) ahead of the other person's.

I always find it hurtful if someone won't apologise, it's compounding whatever they did wrong in the first place. And I always make sure to accept a genuine apology in the spirit it's given (even if I'm still mad as hell ), and am grateful for it. It goes an awful long way to repairing the damage.

Akrasia

biko wrote: »

I find people are usually idiots. This helps explain a lot of things.

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that"
(we miss you George Carlin)

Fat Christy

I always try to apologise when I'm in the wrong. It infuriates me when people don't apologise. I have seen whole families divided over trivial things because of pride. Two brothers who were best friends, not speaking because of some stupid thing that happened. At first I thought it was just my own family but sadly, it's not.

Holding grudges is like picking up a hot coal with your hands and throwing it at the other person. At the end of the day, you're only hurting yourself.

Saying that, some people are just toxic and need to get the chop. It's not holding a grudge, more protecting you're own sanity. Sadly, I have had to do this but I hold no bitterness or resentment against these people. Everyone is fighting some sort of battle.

Leogirl

Stonedpilot wrote:

Do you really want him to change?.

Actually I would like him to be less stubborn. I don't know if he will ever change his ways though. I don't think he believes there is anything wrong with his behaviour so its unlikely! Stubborn old goat!

blinding

biko wrote: »

I find people are usually idiots. This helps explain a lot of things.

I am going to borrow this one !

Its Genius even though I am sure I am an idiot and so are you !

We are all idiots even the smart people !

osarusan

WHY SHOULD I???

Mr. CooL ICE

osarusan wrote: »

WHY SHOULD I???

BECAUSE

THAT'S WHY

Ice Maiden

Akrasia wrote: »

"Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that"
(we miss you George Carlin)

I like George Carlin but the "Most people are idiots" thing is so arrogant and lacking self awareness. Most people are not idiots - I bet most people on this discussion forum are not. There are a lot of idiots - and depending on whom you are dealing with, it can seem like most people are, but overall it is not the case.
I'd bet the man, given the circles he frequented, and his audiences, knew hardly any idiots.

blinding

Ice Maiden wrote: »

I like George Carlin but the "Most people are idiots" thing is so arrogant and lacking self awareness. Most people are not idiots - I bet most people on this discussion forum are not. There are a lot of idiots - and depending on whom you are dealing with, it can seem like most people are, but overall it is not the case.
I'd bet the man, given the circles he frequented, and his audiences, knew hardly any idiots.

Carlin was not totally correct ; The Truth is that we are all idiots.

Einstein (one of our smartest ) said ; Only two things are Infinite ; The Universe and Human Stupidity and he was not sure about the Universe.

This infers that he also was stupid (at least some of the time) which I am sure he was sometimes , I am sure !

Robsweezie

pride, ego. the act of apologising being seen as submissive and letting the other person win. it would be like taking off your armor mid battle, kneeling down and letting the other person land the killing blow.

one thing I hate though, when you do apologise and the other person milks the situation for all its worth, going over and over why you were wrong and rubbing it in. you want to take back the apology and re engage in argument.

''look, Im sorry''

''yeah you should be....''

throwing it back in your face instead of just burying the hatchet there and then.

Ice Maiden

Sometimes an apology is only made to make the person doing the apologising feel better; an acknowledgement of what they have done and not doing it again is worth more in those cases, in my opinion.

andekwarhola

Not being able to back down and say you've behaved badly or were in the wrong is one of the most unattractive traits that somebody can possess.

Lost a good friend over it and I know hell will freeze over before he'd ever admit he was in the wrong whereas I can honestly say if a friend dumped me over my behavior, the first thing I'd do was discuss what their beef was and if I'd been culpable.

Kermit.de.frog

I have friends who would never apologise for anything. It is unattractive and does actually affect people's wanting to be around them in my opinion. Modesty and and the ability to say when you are wrong is a disarming trait likely to stand to you in the long term.

maudgonner

maudgonner wrote: »

False apologies are worse. "I'm sorry if you took offence at what I said", instead of "I'm sorry that I said something offensive".


i.e. I'm right and you're just thin skinned and too silly to see how right I am. It's all your fault. Grrr.

That's not an apology, it's a non-apology that puts the blame on you because you're somehow lacking and that's how you got hurt. It drives me crazy!

Leogirl wrote: »

My OH is like this+it's so upsetting at times. He absolutely refuses to admit if he's in the wrong, refuses to apologise or even discuss it. I think it's ignorant+ pig headed+ causes as much hurt as the words or deeds he should apologise for. For me it means things are never fully resolved+ I carry it, I try to let go but don't always succeed.

I don't think he'll ever change :-(

If he won't admit he's in the wrong and implies you are, it's more than infuriating, its terribly unfair and devalues you and your feelings. You shouldn't always have to let it go - you deserve more! I don't understand how people can live with themselves letting their partners take the blame for everything. Sorry, I'm sure he's lovely but it really grinds my gears when people are like this.

Another thing that absolutely fries my ass is 'My bad!'

That's a way of avoiding saying anything meaningful or taking responsibility, and making light of someones hurt all at the same time.

buried

The majority of people that can't/ refuse to admit to being wrong, out of order, upsetting others etc are generally drama, grief seeking a$$holes. They're actually doing you a huge favour showing this particular trait of theirs, as it allows you the ample opportunity to get the hell away and stay as far away from them once they show it.

Ice Maiden

Candie wrote: »

That's not an apology, it's a non-apology that puts the blame on you because you're somehow lacking and that's how you got hurt. It drives me crazy!

A mild form of gaslighting IMO. "What are you talking about? I did nothing wrong - clearly you are just being needy and paranoid and hyper-sensitive" etc. Appalling.