Mother in law: years of verbal abuse -should I just get out?

geldings

Really need your help. I dont know if I can take anymore. In a relationship of 4 years with my husband, married for one. Relationship itself has been good but naturally we have had our own ups and downs like every couple, nothing unusual except that my partner had some learned bad behavior from the example of his parents and that was extremely challenging for me but he got past that.

She physically assaulted me on one occasion after my husband had told her I wasn't happy about a comment she had made about my bag smelling of rats (we were on a visit to her home). I come from a very good family, we have no issues like that and so I just held my tongue back but told my husband about it as I was very unhappy about it. I had not myself challenged her on it at the time that she had said it, just because I felt I had to keep the peace, but she overheard us talking loudly (not arguing) and asked him later what was the problem and when he told her, she grabbed me by my neck and arm and shoved and pushed me out of the door and then out through her apartment door.

We do not see her often thankfully as she lives abroad now with her husband but she is non stop ridiculing me and putting me down, or at a minimum speaking ill of me. This is just non stop, on a weekly basis, and it really seems that she is using me as an outlet for her unhappiness and obviously she is getting something out of it for her to continue it. Usually it is in his messages in Skype and he does try to protect me from it. Other times she is bellowing down the phone at him and it is usually about me.


He has stood up for me almost all of the time but he can't get her to stop. I have recently had a pain in my right wrist and when I went to see the hand specialist about it as it has been ongoing for 10 months, she told me I am far too stressed and she thinks that is the cause. I have been referred to a neurologist in case it is something more serious. For now I have just started to go to an ergo therapist and after the first session even she told me that one of my shoulders is higher than the other from the build up of stress and she thinks it is stress related also.

My father is in pretty ill-health. I was his main carer for a long time and at a time when I was still very young. I have had to make my relationship my first priority but still look after my dads affairs and I have sacrificed a lot of that for this relationship. My mother in law knows all of this. I have enough stresses in my life and just can't take the ongoing abuse and it seems it is even now taking a physical effect.

What should I do? My long term health matters to me more than keeping the peace now, which I have been trying to do. I have not once emailed her, or shouted or retaliated but that is not enough.

argentum

Can you just get him to ignore her,refuse to answer all calls texts and Skype.
To be honest your husband is your main problem and not her.he should be looking out for you and tell her to f**k off for good

geldings

He has stood up for me all the way through, he changes the subject, tells her to behave, but at the end of the day she knows she is her mother and he is incapable of cutting her off completely. I would never ask him to do that either. They are very close but she is a very critical and unhappy woman. She is and has been abusive to him also, putting him down and what not. She does this with all of her children. I have been trying to put this to the back of my mind but to be honest it is just impossible to do it, esp when it is so relentless, and to be honest it is me who is getting most of this. I dont want to live my life with this shadow over me.

silverharp

Some people are toxic and your mil sounds like a prime example. It sounds like your hubbie just can't see how intolerable the situation is. You need him to understand that it can't continue like this , imagine the stress if you have kids in the future. At a minimum he should agree that she shouldn't be allowed in your house and he can see his mother at theirs.
Maybe try get him to talk to any of his friends, as a man i'd be horrified if I heard this and the advice wouldn't be tactful.
Another angle is could you move somewhere else and at least put some distance between you?

Call me Al

If he hung up on the conversation every time she misbehaved she would soon get the message.
Seriously, he needs to step up and explain that if she wants a relationship that talking about you like this is not in. She assaulted you! She needs a whole lot more than a light reprimanding that he's currently doing.

geldings

silverharp wrote: »

Some people are toxic and your mil sounds like a prime example. It sounds like your hubbie just can't see how intolerable the situation is. You need him to understand that it can't continue like this , imagine the stress if you have kids in the future. At a minimum he should agree that she shouldn't be allowed in your house and he can see his mother at theirs.
Maybe try get him to talk to any of his friends, as a man i'd be horrified if I heard this and the advice wouldn't be tactful.
Another angle is could you move somewhere else and at least put some distance between you?

We normally like to keep our private life to ourselves and not involve friends but I think it would be a good idea for him to share this with at least one of them.. she lives abroad so he sees her twice a year. She is back now for two week visit (her husband has a very good job and they have paid hotels for the duration of their stay so they dont need to stay with us) and he knows and does not expect me to meet her. I will just get out of the house for when she comes this way. But to be honest I can't ignore this hate anymore. I could retaliate but I have so far held back out of basic respect that she is his mother, and i thought it would stop. I do absolutely nothing to trigger this and have been nothing but good for her son.

geldings

Call me Al wrote: »

If he hung up on the conversation every time she misbehaved she would soon get the message.
Seriously, he needs to step up and explain that if she wants a relationship that talking about you like this is not in. She assaulted you! She needs a whole lot more than a light reprimanding that he's currently doing.

I think this is my final recourse. He told me that I should just stop reading the messages as he would not tell me about them if i did not look at them myself. But to be honest, I want to know what she is saying to him about me as it is all negative feed going into his head also and he does not need that either.

nikkibikki

He doesn't have to cut her out. He can just refuse to entertain this toxic behaviour. If she continues with the toxic Skype messages, get him to block them. If she starts bad mouthing you or him on the phone, he can politely ask her to stop and let her know he'll be ending the conversation if it continues, follow through with that, staying calm and polite throughout, and she'll hopefully stop eventually.

He could give her an ultimatum either. Or you could break up your marriage. They are your choices. Ye can't go on like this.

The woman sounds like she has serious issues which need addressing. Sometimes people don't get help for their issues til they reach rock bottom. She'll never reach there if her whole family put up with it without taking any action to protect themselves.

dori_dormer

You and your husband need to be on a United front together. Tell her any emails with a hint of abuse in them will be deleted immediately and not read or replied to. When taking calls the conversation is over and he says goodbye when she starts at it, about him or you or anyone else. If she is visiting they should be meeting outside your home. Why should you have to leave your home to accommodate her? It also just gives her a chance to snoop and pry into your life. If they are outside, then he can simply leave if she starts up. The thing is he has to be willing to support you whether you are in the room or not. I suspect he's still reading the emails and replying, listening to her vile words on the phone etc. He needs to show her action and demand respect for you both.
Also don't tell her anythig. But the bare basics about your personal lives and tell his family to keep it to a minimum too

geldings

nikkibikki wrote: »

He doesn't have to cut her out. He can just refuse to entertain this toxic behaviour. If she continues with the toxic Skype messages, get him to block them. If she starts bad mouthing you or him on the phone, he can politely ask her to stop and let her know he'll be ending the conversation if it continues, follow through with that, staying calm and polite throughout, and she'll hopefully stop eventually.

He could give her an ultimatum either. Or you could break up your marriage. They are your choices. Ye can't go on like this.

The woman sounds like she has serious issues which need addressing. Sometimes people don't get help for their issues til they reach rock bottom. She'll never reach there if her whole family put up with it without taking any action to protect themselves.

She has serious issues.. but if he blocks her she will probably accept that for a long time and she won't learn from it. She has even in the past tried to cut him out saying it is her or me! I dont even want to go into them all here. She is a recovered alcoholic, and was a neglectful mother for a number of years. A lot of her troubles in life she brought on herself. She has no friends, no hobbies, just spends her time hating. She is not in touch with her eldest son anymore, and has a poor relationship with one of her daughters. She has favorites. She pets my husband half of the time, the other half is abusing me so she knows what she is doing. She is on her third/fourth marriage.

To be honest, I was brought up well and I think I am overall too nice for this family but what can I do here? Lose my partner over it? (Marriage is nice but I prioritize the relationship over that so I am not one for saving a marriage in the traditional sense at all costs, we have no kids).

I am starting to resent him now for it and with this new health thing and having ache in my wrist and arm I am truly ready to get the hell out.

zoobizoo

Just do not be present when their are calls or SKYPE calls.

Tell him not to call her, answer the phone or speak with her on SKYPe when you are there.


He needs to refuse to listen to what she is saying about you and to tell her to stop.

nikkibikki

geldings wrote:

I am starting to resent him now for it and with this new health thing and having ache in my wrist and arm I am truly ready to get the hell out.

You need to address this as a matter of urgency with your husband before it escalates.

geldings

nikkibikki wrote: »

You need to address this as a matter of urgency with your husband before it escalates.

You're right. His argument is that if I dont look at the messages I won't know about them. As if that would be enough. But he is using this as his main line of defence. How do I counter that?
He accepts she is wrong otherwise but nothing stops her. I dont think he will go any harder on her than he already has. He has shouted back at her many times, stopped the call, but it just starts up again.

silverharp

Would your father in law be any help if your son talked to him?

geldings

silverharp wrote: »

Would your father in law be any help if your son talked to him?

I will try that too but I dont think he will get involved. He is same type of character as the mother except that he is a workaholic. Their relationship is on the rocks too.

nikkibikki

geldings wrote:

You're right. His argument is that if I dont look at the messages I won't know about them. As if that would be enough. But he is using this as his main line of defence. How do I counter that?

You'd still know they are there, you'd only be left wondering. You knowing what's she's saying isn't the issue. It's the fact she's saying it to him and he's putting up with it. He needs to accept that's how you feel about it. Ask him to see it from your point of view.

Sounds to me like he's so used to her, he's numb to it.

Neyite

You don't have a MIL problem. You have a husband problem.

By being passive about her abuse of you, he is green-lighting her to carry on. I accept he is trying his best to shield you from it, but it's him who needs to put a stop to it.

Having said that, a manipulative toxic relationship like theirs can be difficult to recognise from within, and harder to extricate yourself from or to put healthy boundaries in place. Likely he is a nice guy doing his best to deflect her onslaught but its not enough, and he's too mired in Fear-Obligation-Guilt that comes with a life of dealing with manipulative people.

For starters, would he be open to reading up on dysfunctional families, especially if it meant that you are giving serious reconsiderations to your marriage? I'd recommend Toxic Parents for you both to read to start you off. This thread might be an eye-opener, and give you excellent coping techniques and tips.

Immediate things he can do is to not give her information she can use. Don't tell her about your health issues, job woes or anything. If she asks, Geldings is fine, thanks mum. Her job is fine. Her family are grand etc. give her nothing to use as ammunition towards either of you. He's probably not detached enough to shut down the conversation with her when she kicks off but that will come in time, if he listens to you and recognises that he needs to work on it.

RebekahD

When you say your going to go out of the house when she calls that's just not right ! Your husband should not bring her to the house when he knows the way she is to you !
What did your husband do when she assaulted you ? I'm not surprised your resenting him I would too, he should state to her clearly either be nice and respectful about my wife or I'm done with you.

geldings

Just want to say a huge thanks to everyone for the advice. It has been a huge help and I spent most of the evening talking to hubby about it, and he spent a couple of hours talking to his mother about it. The approach he is taking is to say he has personally had enough of it, that it is getting him down (not only me) and she is apparently responding to that argument and guilt beginning to surface. He also told her she will get more of a say in his life if she is supportive and stops the verbal abuse. I dont like that argument myself but I guess there is more time to go with this one.
He also mentioned how I had only wanted to get on with them, for them to like me, etc. and I really hope he didnt make it sound like I wanted her approval as she might enjoy that and keep enjoying the power and overlording... will see I guess.

Meanwhile I am having nothing to do with her again so if she eases off and stops the tirades etc. that is all I need from this.

THANK YOU EVERYONE!

valoren

Be careful OP.

I would be wary of the guilt beginning to surface comment you mention.
It could possibly be his mother manipulating her son again by talking about her feeling guilty and giving him the "I can change" speech. A manipulation tactic.

Your husband really needs to be firm with his mother from this point on. You are his priority. His number one priority is you, your self esteem, your health and your relationship. He needs to understand that by himself.

He needs to deliver an ultimatum to his mother. Essentially, another single toxic word from you and that's it.
He will cut all ties, refuse to answer calls, if he is continually harrassed by her he will go about getting a restraining order etc.

And he needs to not just mention that casually, he needs to follow through on it, if she really has been manipulating him with the old manipulative routine of "I can change".

SarahMollie

I feel for you OP.

I've only once encountered such a toxic person as this, and in my experience there is no changing them. The only solution is to get away from their radius of negativity.

A MIL of a friend of mine, told her daughter on her wedding day that she was a disappointment in every way, that she ruined her life by having her, and that her hips looked huge in her dress and that she must have gotten her "fat" genes from her father.

She then told my friend (the groom) that his family werent good enough to be marrying into her family, and that she was glad she she wouldnt be around to see their children as they would probably be ugly like him. (she had cancer and subsequently died).

This is after they'd rushed the wedding as the bride wanted to get married before her mother passed. I think she'd hoped that being terminally ill might mellow her. Not a bit.

People who are this toxic don't change.

Put yourself first OP.

intheclouds

The guilt surfacing is a manipulation technique. This is how she controls the family. Treats them like dogs then gets all guilty and promises to behave.

The whole thing sounds very very toxic. Your husband is not on your side here, he is trying to mediate between you and her. Either he is united with you or he isnt. Your mother in law can see that he is not united with you and will continue to hammer away negatively about you as long as he allows it.

The fact that she has assaulted you and he is still in contact with her speaks volumes.

Why does he maintain a relationship with her at all? What is he getting out of it bar her whinging about you and being nasty? I mean, the guy is in a place where his wife is considering ending the marriage over it? And yet he still allows it to go on? He is not being respectful to you. You are his family now, and it is you who should come first in his affections. Not his mother.

geldings

Yeppp.... people right here again. Comments from her today were that I should go to a home economics type course to learn how to keep a house. She came on a surprise visit to us once before and was so pissed off that I had the place spotless (I had predicted she would call at short notice and stay overnight and had been ready for her visit, and I guess that drove her nuts). She had zoned in on two minor things in the household to claim the place was unclean.
She is a disgusting individual.

I am coming down hard on my husband on this. Told him he has to stop her, or at least cut her off if she doesnt listen to his warnings, or I leave. I think she knows what she is doing here.
I am prepared to leave if that is what it comes to. Obviously I love my husband and I am confident he will stop the abuse, but if he doesnt do it I am leaving this situation. I had more ergo/therapy today with the therapist telling me to relax multiple times. It has gone too far. I am raging tbh, raging that I have this evil to contend with.

deisemum

You're only 4 years with your DH and he's not respecting you and puts his mother before you. She's been given chances and yet she's carrying on regardless. Just think of how you're feeling now and then thing how much worse you'll feel in another 5 years, 10 years and longer when real resentment will eat away at you and ruin your marriage.

I've been in a similar position but with FIL but my DH wasn't able to stand up for me against him. In the end we separated for a while but with the help of a relationship counsellor worked things out. The counsellor pointed out that if your partner isn't able to actually stand up for you if you're being subjected to negative behaviour from someone in his family then you should stand up for yourself and deal with the offender each and every time you're offended.

The counsellor also pointed out that if someone offends you that as an adult in your own right you are entitled to challenge the offender without having to get permission from someone else including getting permission from your partner if someone on his or her side upsets you.

geldings

deisemum wrote: »

You're only 4 years with your DH and he's not respecting you and puts his mother before you. She's been given chances and yet she's carrying on regardless. Just think of how you're feeling now and then thing how much worse you'll feel in another 5 years, 10 years and longer when real resentment will eat away at you and ruin your marriage.

I've been in a similar position but with FIL but my DH wasn't able to stand up for me against him. In the end we separated for a while but with the help of a relationship counsellor worked things out. The counsellor pointed out that if your partner isn't able to actually stand up for you if you're being subjected to negative behaviour from someone in his family then you should stand up for yourself and deal with the offender each and every time you're offended.

The counsellor also pointed out that if someone offends you that as an adult in your own right you are entitled to challenge the offender without having to get permission from someone else including getting permission from your partner if someone on his or her side upsets you.

Sorry to hear you went through that. You made some really great points. I have no direct interaction with her whatsoever - save for the most recent visit about six months back when she stayed with us and behaved deplorably. It was mostly passive aggressive - exchanging looks with her husband (in front of me when my hubby was distracted) but there was a lot of rudeness with her criticising how much water I used to wash out filter coffee pot to make tea ( we do not drink tea - I was making it esp for them), the rest was her sitting around saying nothing. She is quite emotionally retarded in that she thinks that not speaking in my company is a one man up on me as if I could not do the same

I didnt challenge her when she made the comment (again she did it when my husband was not there) as I didnt want to show her that she bothered me. I am nice but I have a strong character and respect myself. Normally I would of course tell anyone else to get out of my house if they spoke to me like that, but she is his mother, I have held back always in terms of getting verbally abusive back to her. For example, it is only now that my husband even told his sister about her physically attacking me. She has really ruined my rel with his sisters - I cannot possibly move on from the fact that I know she is talking about me behind my back with them and they would never stand up to her about me. One of them has anorexia from the years of crap and I have tried to be helpful to her but still the rel has been compromised in that I have had no true indication of empathy from her, or the other one. So I am alone here. My own mother passed away when I was quite young from cancer and my dad is really unwell and cant get help from him. My uncle told me to be careful about what i do regarding the mil, but I havent told him full extent of the ongoing weekly abuse I am getting.

Honestly you are totally correct about my husband needing to go all the way now to stop this. I am not going to meet her again or get verbally abusive back -- all of it she would use against me anyway if I were to. My only option is to leave if she doesnt change and my hubby doesnt cut her off. Like you said, 5 or 10 years on she will prob be still alive and im not having children (if i decide i would like any) or myself subjected to that kind of a life.

Acara

This woman physically assaulted you that is out of control behaviour not to mention a crime. She obv has serious psychological issues and the way she deals with them is by making you miserable. Your husband seriously needs to step up here and protect you and your marriage.

CaraMay

How did you find out about today's comments? I thought he was not going to tell you? I'm sorry op but your husband is ridiculous. He's no support to you and you shouldn't have to put up with this. You must realise now read this is never going to change. It's decision time for him and if it were me I would be cutting off my mother. Her negativity is affecting him too and I really don't understand why he supports her behaviour - especially against his wife.

In fact, your point about kids is good. You can't live in a scenario where they would be subjected to abuse like that from her and where she would be blatantly criticising their mother. Maybe for your own mental health you need to leave him. Chances are he would soften in years to come and if kids come and get back in contact wth her. It's an awful situation and I pity you being in it.

geldings

CaraMay wrote: »

How did you find out about today's comments? I thought he was not going to tell you? I'm sorry op but your husband is ridiculous. He's no support to you and you shouldn't have to put up with this. You must realise now read this is never going to change. It's decision time for him and if it were me I would be cutting off my mother. Her negativity is affecting him too and I really don't understand why he supports her behaviour - especially against his wife.

In fact, your point about kids is good. You can't live in a scenario where they would be subjected to abuse like that from her and where she would be blatantly criticising their mother. Maybe for your own mental health you need to leave him. Chances are he would soften in years to come and if kids come and get back in contact wth her. It's an awful situation and I pity you being in it.

I kind of got him to tell me as I told him I need to know if she is still making disgusting comments about me -- he is taking her on. The latest she is doing is to refuse, so far, to visit him at all in our city now that they are on a visit back, and offering instead to pay for a hotel room for him in the same hotel they are staying in in his hometown this weekend so that she can block me from staying with him.

I predicted she would fight back and make it uglier so I just dont know where this will go. He said he is willing to cut her off for a few months - he is just trying to get her to see - but I know he will suffer for that and she would just be the same if not worse when he picks it up again.

I am preparing for the worst here tbh - I have been through too much to risk any more to my health as there is only so much a person can take. I dont want to end up with some kind of neurological disorder and i just had warning call with my entire upper right body being completely hard, stiff muscles caused by stress and she is causing a huge amount of it. The rest is because of my dads ill health. The way I see it, if my hubby didnt cut her off, it will be instantly over as i will no longer prioritise him either. I feel bad for him but she terrorises him too and has done in the past and he is crap at standing up to her.

She is relatively young, in mid 60s. A really stocky, strong thing, with a hard history of her own making. She is unfixable I'd imagine

SAMTALK

I had much the same problem with my in laws (not MIL). My OH didnt stand up to them and they took this as a green light to really have a go.
I am now at the stage where I have a sham of a marriage and am just biding my time.
If you;re OH cant or wont stand up for you then respect is gone and when thats gone its hard to get it back

In my case the in law was toxic and they all seemed to be afraid of her. I wouldnt let her walk all over me and thats why she took a dislike to me and set out to cause trouble.

Best of luck OP but people like this dont change and family members rarely stand up to them

CaraMay

You need to mind yourself op! Mental and physical health is too important. You poor thing.

geldings

So he tried again to arrange a meeting with her without me, and lo and behold, she was still arguing, saying she knows I would be staying elsewhere, etc. Then she started saying how I bitch about her to friends on facebook (not a chance of that! we keep our lives private and nothing like that on facebook wall, like everyone else lol). Then she said I bitched about her husband to her when he went to the toilet when we were in the restaurant on their last visit (crazy lie to get him on side no doubt).

Anyway he told her that this was just the last straw and told her he is cutting her off. She has to behave now, or he is not going to talk to her. He is beginning to believe me when I told him that she is trying to manipulate and control him - the blatant lies of hers were just so bad that he had to see through them!

This is just mental but so glad I asked for help here. It opened my eyes to the fact she will never change (i thought eventually she would) and to the fact that she was manipulating him all the time she pretended to feel bad, etc. She is doing classic abuser behaviour - insulting and then coming round all victim/soft, etc.

So it looks like he is cutting her off. Obviously this is going to take a few months to see if he can follow through or if any change in her occurs but meanwhile I am preparing for the worst case scenario playing out, which is tough to consider. I dont think it will go that far, this relationship is precious to me of course and I will still do my best to preserve it.

SAMTALK, my heart goes out to you. It really is better to be alone than to be surrounded by toxic people. It is easy to eliminate your own people if necessary but not your partners'. I just wonder why the hell these women are so completely messed up in their minds. You dont hear as often about out of control father-in-laws. Hope you can find a way to be happy.

Neyite

If you do go no-contact, be prepared for a few flying monkeys in the guise of siblings /aunts/ uncles contacting your husband to point out how unreasonable and hurtful he is being. Or a vague health scare with either his mother or father. Classic narcissist behaviour once their verbal and emotional control slips from their grasp.

deisemum

Neyite wrote: »

If you do go no-contact, be prepared for a few flying monkeys in the guise of siblings /aunts/ uncles contacting your husband to point out how unreasonable and hurtful he is being. Or a vague health scare with either his mother or father. Classic narcissist behaviour once their verbal and emotional control slips from their grasp.

This is spot on.

LegacyUser

I'm fuming on your behalf after reading this thread.

All these years of abuse you have never once retaliated to her or stood up for yourself even once just to keep the peace and out of respect because it's your husband's mother.

What respect has she ever shown you? What respect has your husband shown by allowing her to assault you and maintaining contact with this vile witch who does nothing but insult and abuse his wife?

Mother or not, they don't really deserve your respect so why should you continue to give it? You mentioned that you are normally a strong person with others and would stand up for yourself and I think it may be time you finally spoke up here too. Your husband seems incapable of mending this situation (sorry but the way you've described things I don't hold out much hope of this no contact thing lasting) so maybe now it's time to take the matter into your own hands.

Seriously would you not just ever tell that woman to go fcuk herself?

She's used to seeing you as some meek little mouse whom she can say and do whatever she wants to over the years with no retaliation whatsoever, it might give her some hop if she got at least one good outburst back from you.

If her nasty abuse of you continues then either call her or write her a letter outlining exactly what a vile, disgusting, useless bullying disgrace of a human being you feel she is. I would tell her never to darken my doorstep again and tell her that you don't give a fcuk what she does or says to try and manipulate or turn others against you because you've already everybody close to you warned about her antics so they won't be falling for any of her bullshiit stories.

If your husband takes her side after this or even continues to allow all this abuse to continue as before then unfortunately I think you are correct in what you have already accessed yourself in that for your own health and happiness in life you sadly may need to leave the marriage. If that does happen tell her well done on destroying her own son's life, but that your own life won't be destroyed because it has left you free to find love with a man who doesn't have a hateful hag of a mother to contend with.

I know my advice will not be popular, and normally I would be in the camp saying be the bigger person, be respectful, hold your tongue, leave it to your husband to sort out because it's his mother etc., but seriously a person can only put up with so much and after years of abuse, a complacent husband and an actual assault against you then I don't think the calm respectful tactic is working so maybe try a different one. I'm not suggesting you get into ongoing verbal arguments with her, but just one good outburst or very harsh letter/phonecall to put her in her place would suffice I feel, then refuse any further interaction with her completely.

No doubt she would try to twist it that you are the bad guy and probably feign a distress related mini heart attack that your outburst has caused her or something like that, but seriously so fcuking what, who cares about her made up her bull?

You should confide fully with your family and friends about exactly what she is really like just incase she ever tries to tell lies to them and also just to have somebody to get things off your chest to. (Maybe not your dad though if he is very unwell)

If there's any chance of saving your marriage then I think your husband would seriously need to attend counselling to address the years of abuse he had growing up with her and also how to recognise and deal with her being such a negative force in his life at present. Just something to give him the tools to recognise what she is like and how it has affected him as a person. Maybe some relationship counselling together too for him to really see how the whole thing is affecting you as a person and you both as a couple too.

If none of that works then sadly I would agree that you should leave as a last resort. Hopefully it doesn't come to that though.

Shadylou

Op I know exactly what you are going through with this. I went through years of smart comments to my face and lies spread about me behind my back.

Things came to a head when I was planning my wedding and she took offence to it being close to her nieces wedding. I ignored it as much as I could but one day my daughter asked me 'what does the word c**t mean mam'. When I asked her where did she hear that word she told me that nanny had said that I was nothing but a c**t .

I absolutely flipped that things were now being said in front of my daughter but my ex didn't back me up and I ended up finishing a 10 year relationship because of it and becoming a single mother to 2 kids which was grim so I'd advise you to get things sorted before you have kids as it's so much harder when there are kids involved.

Since we broke up she has apologised and is really nice to me and a great help with the kids as my ex is in an on off long distance relationship with another baby due any day so I don't get any help.

I take her niceness with a pinch of salt though as all she does at the moment is give out about her other sons wife, she's just an absolute wagon and will never change. She genuinely cannot see that she ruined her sons life, we were in a happy relationship with a nice house and 2 beautiful kids. Now he's drinking heavily going from pillar to post and losing his relationship with his kids.

I'm now in a new relationship that is going very well and get on very well with his mother :-)

Neyite

Stand up for yourself. wrote: »

...
If her nasty abuse of you continues then either call her or write her a letter outlining exactly what a vile, disgusting, useless bullying disgrace of a human being you feel she is. I would tell her never to darken my doorstep again and tell her that you don't give a fcuk what she does or says to try and manipulate or turn others against you because you've already everybody close to you warned about her antics so they won't be falling for any of her bullshiit stories.

That's just playing right into her hands. That kind of behaviour from the OP gives the MIL every justification for turning the whole wider family, and possibly including her husband, against her. Even just the glee that a vindictive person would get out of this would make me want to do the opposite.

I know its very cathartic to get things off your chest, but its not always the smartest move. I actually know a MIL who has a 20-year-old letter that her young DIL wrote to her at the time. She's not vindictive, but gets a kick out of reading it from time to time, as they used to never get on. Imagine what a vindictive person would do with a letter that grossly insults them and abuses them. Nope, in this case, the OP should only do that if she wants to well and truly burn the bridges with everyone in the family for good.

SAMTALK

Neyite wrote: »

That's just playing right into her hands. That kind of behaviour from the OP gives the MIL every justification for turning the whole wider family, and possibly including her husband, against her. Even just the glee that a vindictive person would get out of this would make me want to do the opposite.

I know its very cathartic to get things off your chest, but its not always the smartest move. .

Would agree with this. All these people want is for you to let rip and then they can say "see I always knew what she was really like" etc.

To be honest its down to the son to stand up to his mother or risk losing his relationship but he would do well to realise that this behaviour will continue with next relationship too

valoren

Agree with the above.
When you lose your temper with an abuser like that then they will milk it for all it's worth.

"Wasn't I right, she is nuts!"

Writing any letter or sending any texts is just adding fuel to a toxic fire.
The only way to put a fire out is to starve it of oxygen.

Starve them of attention and they will eventually get the hint.

If any relatives motion to your husband about 'fixing' their relationship then he should simply say to all and sundry.

"My relationship with my mother is absolutely none of your business"

silverbolt

geldings wrote: »

He has stood up for me all the way through, he changes the subject, tells her to behave, but at the end of the day she knows she is her mother and he is incapable of cutting her off completely. I would never ask him to do that either. They are very close but she is a very critical and unhappy woman. She is and has been abusive to him also, putting him down and what not. She does this with all of her children. I have been trying to put this to the back of my mind but to be honest it is just impossible to do it, esp when it is so relentless, and to be honest it is me who is getting most of this. I dont want to live my life with this shadow over me.

That is not standing up for you. That is changing the subject. You are his WIFE and it sounds like youe got yet another irish mammys boy on your hands. He cant let go of the tit and she wont either. She physically assaulted you for crying out loud and yet your husband just meekly carries on.

He should be telling her to not disrespect his wife like that, he should be hanging up on her, he should be shouting back if need be (which is not healthy) he should be refusing to engage or listen to her.

You deserve far better than that.

LegacyUser

I didn't mean to make personal insults about appearance or the woman's past when I mentioned writing the letter. I meant outlining exact examples of her actual behaviour towards the op for example writing examples of lies she made up, examples of insults she had called her, examples of the many times she had been begged by her son to stop with the insults but continued to do so anyways, to also write of the time she assaulted her. And to sum it up make clear that the op feels that all this behaviour is vile, disgusting bullying and unacceptable - I meant moreso condemning and putting down her actions in the letter/conversation rather than personally insulting her appearance or other things about her life. I don't see how that would give the MIL justification for anything as everything in the letter could be backed up and provable by the messages on computer and by her husband, just stated facts of the MIL's bad behaviour and cutting all contact but not a tirade of other personal insults. (So maybe I shouldn't have suggested telling her to go f herself or to refer to the woman as a hag in my first post, that was my own annoyance after reading the story seeping through sorry).

I know ye are correct though that she would still try to turn this against the OP and act the victim which is why I said I wouldn't be surprised if she afterwards acted all hurt and seriously distressed and possibly even feigned a medical reaction to the stress and upset. But my point at the time was so fecking what if she did show the letter to people, so what if she did burn her bridges with the MIL or some of the other family members? She's not married to them and why would she want a relationship with anybody so nasty? The MIL doesn't even live in the same country as them to have to deal with daily. If her husband took the MIL's side he's not worth having. I know it would be much more difficult if there was children involved but I took it from the OP that she has reached that point of so much unhappiness that she is ready to check out of this marriage at any point now anyways if things carry on so why continue with the pretence of just keeping quiet and allowing things to just carry on with her feelings being left unsaid? I'm wondering if one of the reasons of continuing on is just so as not to give the MIL the feeling that she's 'won' if the OP and her husband split? Obviously the OP loves her husband very much though and I would make every effort with the counselling etc to try and save the marriage but if nothing improved then that would be the end of things for me personally.

I acknowledge again though that my advice is perhaps not for everyone and may even not be the best move I don't know really. It is just moreso what I would do myself in the situation because I would not personally give a flying feck if she tried to act the victim or turned her sons/daughters against me (she seems to be doing that already anyways) and would actually be happy to burn the bridges with people like that, let her say all she wants, would not give a hoot just be glad to have her out of my life.

If you do care about the rest of the families reactions though, or fear her acting the victim or about burning bridges with that side of the family, then yeah maybe don't follow my advice so.. If you plan to have children with this man and in so deciding to have this one as a relation for the rest of your life then maybe an angry letter might not be the best move..

geldings

Up to this at least I have not had to see her very often in person which is why this has not come to a head. I agree that I have let it go on too long but I wanted to try to ingore the fact that she was making the comments about me and so on as I thought she would one day just give up - but she wont, hence now I am telling my husband that it is now time to get it to stop. I told him I have not been disrespectful to her, nor verbally abused her at any point, so he owes me. But I agree that this approach of mine has been going on too long.

A couple of days ago he had it out with her the and told her he was going to cut her off since she would not listen or apologise or show him she was going to stop. After that talk, he called the sister who has anorexia and just spilled his heart out to her about it, which he had not done previous to that. She told him that his mother had tried to get them all in his family to stop talking to him until he would break up with me. They didnt agree to that but it is him that always calls them even if they are still speaking and close, etc. It is my husband who does the most work where contact is concerned.

But even after telling her what the mother had done, she still said she would not get involved and that she wasnt there to prove what anyone is saying. I pretty much had already sensed she would not help me so I had already not ever confided in her about anything because even after hearing about her physically pushing me, she still does not properly join our side.

I dont want to involve her further. The other sister has always stood by her mother, and I get the feeling feels better about herself knowing that I am getting put down like this.

But the only good thing so far is that my husband told his sister that it looked like he would have to cut the mother out, and he thinks she must have told her as the next day the mother was nice as pie. But then he is now travelling, alone, to see her in a couple of days time so she probably just wants to make sure she sees him before she has to go back abroad.

My husband has been overall in the past calling her too often and he has agreed to stop that. Also he has always been defending me, or praising me, thinking she would be impressed. Instead she just gets uglier and I have told him that anytime he talks about me to her is an invitation for her to just speak badly of me. I wont know for another few months if he can do it or not to be honest, I dont see her stopping and also, why should I wait around for it to start up again? It is too much. I have to invest the most time in my marriage of course but my dad gets less of my time because of this relationship, naturally, and I am going to make sure that I get treated with full respect or that is it,

One other thing that has helped is that my husband knows I am not bluffing, and his survival instinct is at least getting him to act.

CaraMay

Op I really don't understand why you wish for his sister with anorexia to be on your 'side'. She sounds like she has enough on her plate and she shouldn't be asked to side against her mother. Tbh I think your hubby has handled this badly up to now. It's an awful position to be in but it's down to you and your hubby to handle it

intheclouds

CaraMay wrote: »

Op I really don't understand why you wish for his sister with anorexia to be on your 'side'. She sounds like she has enough on her plate and she shouldn't be asked to side against her mother. Tbh I think your hubby has handled this badly up to now. It's an awful position to be in but it's down to you and your hubby to handle it

Yeah, Im a bit confused by this.

My initial thoughts when I saw you mentioned a sister with anorexia was that clearly there is a physical manifestation of a dysfunctional upbringing right there!

But you dont need people on your "side". There are no sides. There is you refusing to be treated disrespectfully and your husband who needs to be backing you up.

As far as I can see your husbands version of backing you up seems to be endless bouts of pleading with his mother to behave and a lot of telling her that if she doesnt buck up he will cut her off. But he doesnt cut her off. What exactly is he waiting for? He is travelling alone to see her again in a couple of days - why? Like - this in the wake of being told the mother tried to get everyone ganged up against you and not speak to him til he dumped you - how many more examples of disrespect does he need?

geldings

CaraMay wrote: »

Op I really don't understand why you wish for his sister with anorexia to be on your 'side'. She sounds like she has enough on her plate and she shouldn't be asked to side against her mother. Tbh I think your hubby has handled this badly up to now. It's an awful position to be in but it's down to you and your hubby to handle it

No I havent once involved her - Totally agree, she has enough going on in her own life. He was just so fed up that he confided in her about reaching his limit with her. But I am disappointed that she has not just asked her mother to at least stop the harassment, but dont expect it at the same time. She has already written hate letters to my husband - in red ink - and sent by registered post! I have kept them. I don't think I could take legal action against her but if it ever escalates I certainly want any hard evidence.

Getting a breather now and taking advantage of it to plan and plot and get myself more sorted.

CaraMay

Hate letters saying what? Does she mention you directly?

Call me Al

Op you're giving her an audience and making a personal situation into a very public one within the family. I can't see what good comes of involving a very unwell sister. I'd hazard a guess that she's ill-equipped to deal with her own situation let alone your poor relationship with her mum. So if i were you I just wouldn't be calling up these other people and asking them to take sides or get involved against their mother, as I can't see how that's going to work out well for you or your husband.

And I agree with the poster who is questioning why, after all this back and forth carry-on, your husband is going to visit her.
He needs to stand up for himself or he will forever be her verbal doormat.

geldings

CaraMay wrote: »

Hate letters saying what? Does she mention you directly?

Hell yep. They were addressed to my husband, but were all about how terrible and useless I am, full of lies and hate. The first one was sent by standard post, the next one was registered post and as we were away for that week and we didnt get it in the post office, it got returned to her but she still she hand delivered it to him when she was leaving after her last visit.. crazy I know.

I agree he should not be seeing her but she got her husband involved and as they wont be back again for another 6 months I agreed... I dont want any blame for her not seeing him. But once they have gone back, it will be a new regime.
Definitely not involving his sister - I never once did but my husband just got so exasperated after he told his mother she was getting cut off. He hasnt done it before and not coming easy to him to be harsh with her. I will continue to put pressure on him when she is gone.

It is thanks a lot to this thread that I am so strong minded about it now and I feel my strategy is best I can do. I could try and fake a charm offensive with an email, etc. but she would reject it or just take over again so she is just going out of my life.

irishgirl19

geldings wrote:

He has stood up for me all the way through, he changes the subject, tells her to behave, but at the end of the day she knows she is her mother and he is incapable of cutting her off completely

I wouldn't say that.
My dad cut off my grandparents because of the way they treated my mam. Treated her like a bit of dirt.
In saying that.. It went on years before he did and it caused numerous arguments between my parents.
Your MIL is fairly stupid. I don't know if you have kids or not but if you do she could easily be cut off from them!
I wouldn't trust her not to speak badly of you in front of your own children either

valoren

Please don't send her anything, emails, letters. She will love that believe me.
She will know that she herself is on your mind, that she is affecting you the way she wants.

His family should treat you with respect and dignity and conduct themselves with decorum. It isn't difficult for humble, confident and well adjusted people to understand that. From what you have written, your mother in law is a complete crazy maker. Your husband is completely fostering her behavior.

There comes a point where you have to draw a line in the sand.
The past is done, what does the future hold for you and your husband?

Is your mother in law going to continually drive the both of you crazy with your husband placating her intolerable behavior or are you both going to cut your losses and continue together as a unit with peace of mind and no regrets from excommunicating your mother in law. Your husband holds all the cards here. The cogs are turning slowly but surely in his mind that this cannot continue.

It's gotten to the point now where it's either his wife or his mother as gathering from all you've written there is simply no expectation of any reconciliation.

geldings

So he has just gone to visit her and they went out for a meal.

Guess who can apparently 'barely walk'? So already the health scare has happened!! LOL.

She is early 60s. Physically strong the last time I saw her!

What do I say to that?! He is falling for it so far.

nikkibikki

Stand your ground. Tell him your position hasn't changed.