Not able to flirt/give off right vibes

lisasimpson

So i havent had a propper relationship in ten years.now hitting my mid 30s and noticing im on my own and how i miss certain things in life
Over the years i rarely get approached on a night out if i did it rarely turn out to be much.2 relationships i had i kindof knew the guys before we got together
over the last few years have been dipping into the on line dating scene..went on two dates recently one a disaster couldnt wait to leave after 10 mins.
The last guy was a lovely normal guy...im beginning to think i dont know how to flirt and let a guy know im interested in him. The date went good. He made me laugh. Last year i went on a couple of dates with a guy who texted me once saying i was v difficult to read. Years ago an ex friends husband told me id never met a man as i was a cold person who doesnt let anyone close to me
since my last date im beginning to think its me and i dont give off good vibes. Anyone else feel this way

daisybelle2008

lisasimpson wrote: »

Years ago an ex friends husband told me id never met a man as i was a cold person who doesnt let anyone close to me

What a nasty thing to say to someone! Glad you say ex friend! I think maybe date more, if flirting doesn't come natural, it gets easier the more you do it.

Das Kitty

Practice practice practice.

It's scary as feck, but a huge thrill to flirt brazenly. The worst that can happen is that your subject isn't interested.

You could get started by touching his arm as you talk to him, hold eye contact.

You can do it! The rewards outweigh the risk a hundred-fold.

lisasimpson

Thats the thing i also find it v hard to get dates at time. Started the on line thing as i felt im in a good place in my life now but its something i find so hard..i didnt 12/15 yrs ago

sullivlo

lisasimpson wrote: »

Thats the thing i also find it v hard to get dates at time. Started the on line thing as i felt im in a good place in my life now but its something i find so hard..i didnt 12/15 yrs ago

Would you consider speed dating? That way you could practice getting your flirt on whilst genuinely getting the opportunity to talk to people face to face. I think that online dating is hard to flirt with - it's hard to judge tone over message.

Perhaps the guy who said you were hard to read may be helpful in his own way. What is the predominant emotion whilst you're on a date / flirting? If it's fear, that will come across no matter how hard you try to be playful and flirt. And that could read as mixed signals for a guy - her touch says yes, her eyes say no. And that might put him off.

No idea about that ex friends husband. Perhaps he's just an asshole.

As for meeting someone. What are your hobbies and interests? Any chance of going to join a new club or something and use that to potentially meet people? Also, consider using one of the paid dating sites - that tends to weed out the people who are just looking for one thing. Or one of those matchmaker things.

Have you spoken to any of your friends about this? Obviously you're a stranger to me on the internet but perhaps your friends could help you shed some light? Is it only guys that you see this with, or is it a case that it was that way with your friends also and they just gave you more of a chance to settle into situations?

Pat Mustard

lisasimpson wrote: »

Last year i went on a couple of dates with a guy who texted me once saying i was v difficult to read. Years ago an ex friends husband told me id never met a man as i was a cold person who doesnt let anyone close to me

Some people are difficult to read, unless you know them well. Not everybody wears their emotions on their sleeve. Some people do not like to display what they are thinking and other people cannot help it. People have different personalities.

Your friend's husband is a twit and I wouldn't pay attention to what he says. Many people prefer to keep what they think to themselves rather than sharing every emotion or sentiment. It is not at all unusual. I wouldn't pay any attention to what this man has to say.

In any event, the easiest way to meet people is through introductions by family or friends. If this cannot be done, the next best thing is to join an activity (sport/hobby/course) where you can meet people.

Perhaps don't worry about flirting and try to find someone that you like instead.

SarahMollie

Thinking back to my single times, I used to find that if I went on a date after a bit of a lull, it would invariably be a disaster. I'd just be off my game, and it would be awkward and a bit crap. I found that at times when I was going on more dates, that they were going better, or at least I was doing better and that the dates werent failing because i was being awkward! So go on more dates, like anything else you can get rusty if you don't practice.

In the past I've been told (by a friend) that I can be quite obtuse! I've also gotten the odd comment about bitchy resting face and I can sometimes be a little too sharp without intending to be. Its something I was aware of and made a conscious effort to tone down, but then I was getting myself into these situations where everything was a bit too "nice" and didn't feel genuine.

Now my OH is a sharp tongued, sometimes obtuse, yet really witty individual and we really complement each other.

Fundamentally, I think its always nice to be nice and friendly, but don't go so far as to compromise who you are by pretending to be something you're not.

beks101

I think your body language is the biggest influencer in terms of how other people respond to you and sometimes it can betray you.

You might really fancy someone but feel nervous or shy - you cross your arms or avoid eye contact - they interpret that as disinterest and back away.

There are some easy rules here - make eye contact and smile. It's amazing how drawn people are to the smiling person in the room. Be bold and initiate a bit of physical contact if you fancy him - a hand on the shoulder or brush of the hand etc.

Online dating is a minefield though and often I find that we women tend to internalize the bad dates and conclude that it's our fault and we're crap at dating/flirting/attracting men etc...when it might just be a series of bad dates because that's how the dating world works sometimes.

caille

Hi OP, I am as shy as anything but I always found that smiling, making eye contact and asking questions (to keep conversation going, even just stuff like do you drink other beers etc) helped me no end. I would have had no confidence talking to or meeting guys but once I learned to do the above, it was a lot easier. A good smile can carry you a long way ;-)

Hemerodrome

You are giving off the right vibes, so long as they're yours and you're not being hostile. You don't need to change your vibes, you just need someone they resonate with, someone who harmonises with your vibes, then you make sweet music together 😊

cantdecide

It takes real courage to let someone see that you're enjoying their company when there's a chance that they may not feel the same way. Men are not the enemy and will respond to feeling like they're pushing an open door so just be brave and let them see you're having fun despite your nerves and usually you'll both get to where you need to be.