Advice for a long-distance relationship.

JustShon

Hi folks,

I met a wonderful girl here in Ireland, she's from Brazil but unfortunately she has to move back soon due to visa issues.

We've decided to at least attempt to keep the relationship going from across the Atlantic.

Is there anyone here with experience maintaining a long-distance relationship like this? Due to having only the bare minimum holidays required by law I can only visit her twice a year.

Any tips for maintaining a healthy relationship over such a distance, ideally from someone with experience doing so, would be much appreciated.

squonk

Honestly OP my gut reaction in reading this was "Who are you kidding?". Sorry to be blunt but if you can only visit twice a year and she can only, presumably visit another two or three times a year to see you then that's not a real basis for any kind of relationship, even a distance one.

I know people who made the distance thing work but they were in Europe so could visit every 2 or 3 weekends which was not that bad. Evne then they ended up separating because they grew apart but they put in a lot of work for a long while. Maybe two long really. Aside from the intent and physical attraction in any relationship, you need face to face time and intimacy. Take those two values out of the equation and you end up with a strong friendship really more than anything else. Yes you can skype and that's good but you also need to sit watching a movie or go to dinner every so often or just hang out and chill out. Taking into account time difference it's even hard to do that with Skype. I dated a girl in the US for a short while at one point. We'd talked about moving but things fell apart before that for various reasons but partly because of the time difference. We could only really talke very late in the night or very early in the mornings. Over time too her life will start to move on back home and so will yours here. It's very hard to keep a constant frame of reference for you both like you'd have if you were both seeing each other conventionally.

I hope it works out for you but I think you may be underestimating the task ahead of you. By all means try it for a few months but one of you needs to be planning now to move to the other's country or relativley nearby anyway if you want to make a long term thing out of this.

JustShon

squonk wrote: »

one of you needs to be planning now to move to the other's country or relativley nearby anyway if you want to make a long term thing out of this.

That's certainly something we're both thinking about.

We have no illusions really, we know it's going to be bordering impossible to manage but a tiny chance of success is more than the no chance we'd have if we just called it off now.

I should mention this isn't some couple of weeks fling. I've been seeing her for a year.

I know there's no hard and fast way of making any relationship work but I guess I'm looking for advice on how to maximise whatever small chance we might have.

Edit: Just to add thanks for taking the time to reply, even if it's harsh it's still appreciated.

LegacyUser

Hiya


My other half just moved back to Asia ( VISA issues ) . Already the time difference is telling , i.e one persons morning is the others bedtime etc

I should say we did long distance for a year first , where this was no real issue, and it was maintained only seeing each other twice during that year. But after being together in Ireland for 2 years, returning to the long distance is tiring and different. The affection is the same, maybe even a little intensified as I can feel the regret ( neither of us would like it like this) but the realities of life make me wonder what is possible in the future - we might differ from you as we are trying to sustain it knowing it is unlikely we will be together longterm in the same location

My guilt feeling is - if you think either might eventually be able to move ( to either country or a 3rd ) then try maintain it. If not then I would suggest emphasising the great life and memories you did have, the connection you still have, but then recognise how that might need to change. It is possible to have a close, best friend , even a soul mate on the other side of the world, but not a partner - how could you be life partners without being present in each others lives

CaraMay

So are you going to get married and one of you move continent? That's what we are realistically talking about here

miezekatze

My OH and I started out as a long distance relationship, however we were both living in Europe. We visited each other every 2 to 3 months for about 2 years, couldn't afford to visit more often, but I think that's about the longest you can be apart in order for it to work. You kind of get used to being alone otherwise and grow apart. Daily contact is important too. Eventually one of you will need to move though.

JustShon

miezekatze wrote: »

My OH and I started out as a long distance relationship, however we were both living in Europe. We visited each other every 2 to 3 months for about 2 years, couldn't afford to visit more often, but I think that's about the longest you can be apart in order for it to work. You kind of get used to being alone otherwise and grow apart. Daily contact is important too. Eventually one of you will need to move though.

Yes we're aware that one of us will need to move eventually, we're certainly not planning on maintaining a trans-Atlantic relationship indefinitely.

I'm tied to Ireland for roughly the next 2 years while I finish getting my degree. (btw I'm not that young, I'm doing evening courses at age 27, just in case anyone thinks this is a young college-goer following his c*ck)

baby and crumble

OP myself and my girlfriend did a fair bit of long-distancing- ranging from me living in a different county, to her moving to London for 18 months for a Masters and a 3-month stint in China.

The key part of it, for us, was to let the other know we were thinking of them. we did a few things that helped like;

* Every day we each messaged the other a random photo of something about their day. Maybe even just a photo of dinner, a flower they saw, whatever. It sounds cheesy but it makes you feel connected if you know what the other person sees during the day.

* Get used to the time difference, even though it's a total balls. There will be times you're wise awake and they are fast asleep. You just have to get over it and understand that they can't answer your message straight away.

* Make a date to watch the same film as each other, or watch episodes of your favourite tv show together. Press play at around about the same time and have a chat window open. Again, sounds silly but doing the same thing at the same time helps you feel closer.

* Write each other handwritten letters. There's something lovely about holding something they touched. Again, sounds cliché but it's so weirdly important.

In general, you need to make sure you both have a really good internet plan, either at home on on your phones. That's so crucial.

Also, make sure you have your own fun. Being apart doesn't mean being on the phone all the time- and you have to understand that she'll make friends and meet guys and it doesn't mean anything other than friendship. Jealousy is a massive issue in long distance relationships and it sucks but it WILL happen. I was with my gf for 5 or 6 years when we first did the long distance thing and we both still had irrational jealousy.

If it helps, we managed it and now we're engaged, so it's not impossible. It just takes a lot of work is all. And a good web connection.

JustShon

baby and crumble wrote: »

If it helps, we managed it and now we're engaged, so it's not impossible. It just takes a lot of work is all. And a good web connection.

Thanks for much for all that advice, I really appreciate it

amdublin

I know someone who has a long distance relationship - but within Europe.

They have Skype dinners most evening where they both are in their kitchens cooking their dinner and then eating it "together". A bit like what most couples do in the evening together. They also plan movie nights where they both watch the same movie and talk about after before bed.

The time difference will not be good for you unfortunately.

CaraMay

JustShon wrote: »

Yes we're aware that one of us will need to move eventually, we're certainly not planning on maintaining a trans-Atlantic relationship indefinitely.

I'm tied to Ireland for roughly the next 2 years while I finish getting my degree. (btw I'm not that young, I'm doing evening courses at age 27, just in case anyone thinks this is a young college-goer following his c*ck)

So can I ask why ye haven't gotten married yet? I know it's not an immediate solution but it's start. Tbh unless you have firm marriage plans I wouldn't be giving it a go otherwise.

amdublin

How will marriage address the OP's immediate concerns/query??

JustShon

CaraMay wrote: »

So can I ask why ye haven't gotten married yet? I know it's not an immediate solution but it's start. Tbh unless you have firm marriage plans I wouldn't be giving it a go otherwise.

She's not too sold on rushing into marriage. Her last relationship she got engaged and the scumbag cheated on her so she's not fond of the idea of tying herself to someone so soon in the relationship.

We reckon if we last a year or two long-distance we'll get married. Not a big church wedding but just a pop down the registrars office so we can live in each other's country thing.

JustShon

amdublin wrote: »

How will marriage address the OP's immediate concerns/query??

It solves the visa issue for when one of us is able to make a permanent move to the other's country.

amdublin

JustShon wrote: »

It solves the visa issue for when one of us is able to make a permanent move to the other's country.

Down the line I assume? I wouldn't be advocating getting married just to solve a visa issue...

But I don't think you're doing this. You want to see if you can make the long do dance relationship work first.

Best of luck to you op, you both sound like you're in it for the long haul and I wish you the best.

JustShon

amdublin wrote: »

Down the line I assume? I wouldn't be advocating getting married just to solve a visa issue...

But I don't think you're doing this. You want to see if you can make the long do dance relationship work first.

Best of luck to you op, you both sound like you're in it for the long haul and I wish you the best.

Yes, absolutely down the line, as I said in the above post it'd be if we last a year or two long distance.

Actually it doesn't solve the visa issue unless you've been in a relationship for at least 2 years anyway, this is to stop people paying Irish folk to marry them for a visa.

I am totally going to refer to it as a "long do dance" relationship from now on though

Thanks for the well-wishes.

jester77

I did a very long distance for 2 years, the first year we only saw each other 2-3 times. The time difference was bad as well, we would only get 30 mins in the middle of the night for one or the other, and one of us was always tired or rushing out the door for work. The weekend was the only time that was suitable, but even then it was difficult as you had to cancel evenings out or meeting with friends just to have a call which added to the frustration.

The second year we changed things, we never left more than 6 weeks between visits and this really made a massive difference. There was less pressure to be always available at the weekend for calls. We would do remote office for a few weeks at each others locations, we would organise business trips around our locations, we would meet halfway somewhere in Asia for vacation to cut down on travel time for both. That worked out really well for us.

It's doable, just need to plan everything well.

JustShon

jester77 wrote: »

I did a very long distance for 2 years, the first year we only saw each other 2-3 times. The time difference was bad as well, we would only get 30 mins in the middle of the night for one or the other, and one of us was always tired or rushing out the door for work. The weekend was the only time that was suitable, but even then it was difficult as you had to cancel evenings out or meeting with friends just to have a call which added to the frustration.

The second year we changed things, we never left more than 6 weeks between visits and this really made a massive difference. There was less pressure to be always available at the weekend for calls. We would do remote office for a few weeks at each others locations, we would organise business trips around our locations, we would meet halfway somewhere in Asia for vacation to cut down on travel time for both. That worked out really well for us.

It's doable, just need to plan everything well.

Unfortunately there's absolutely no way in hell the company I work for would allow me any sort of remote working, so that's not an option.

Funny thing about the time difference with Brazil is because it's south of the equator, during our summer time (their winter) the time difference is around 4 hours which is a huge pain in the ass but during our winter (their summer) it's only two hours because their daylight savings time is the reverse of ours.

SarahMollie

I think long distance only works when there is a realistic/timetabled plan to ultimately be reunited on a more permanent basis.

I have a friend who was seeing her BF for about 2 years when because of the crash he was faced with the prospect of losing his job, or being "loaned out" to a company in Vietnam for 2 years. In his industry it would have been impossible to get another job in Ireland , maybe not even in Europe, so felt he had no real choice. He is from the Netherlands, so even though he would spend some of his time off coming to see her, he had to see his family also. She had a more flexibility work wise than you describe and went out to him on a number of occasions.

They made it work, but I think a large part of the reason why is because they were able to count down to a point in time when he would be back in Ireland.

Hes now back in Ireland for the last 4 years working for his original company and they've lived together for the last 3 years.

My point is OP that yes it can work, but you both need to be totally devoted, and there needs to be a firm plan in place to put an end to the distance. I know my friend would have cracked up if she'd been faced with this being an indefinite thing. The countdown to the 2 years being over was her light at the end of the tunnel.

JustShon

SarahMollie wrote: »

I think long distance only works when there is a realistic/timetabled plan to ultimately be reunited on a more permanent basis.

I have a friend who was seeing her BF for about 2 years when because of the crash he was faced with the prospect of losing his job, or being "loaned out" to a company in Vietnam for 2 years. In his industry it would have been impossible to get another job in Ireland , maybe not even in Europe, so felt he had no real choice. He is from the Netherlands, so even though he would spend some of his time off coming to see her, he had to see his family also. She had a more flexibility work wise than you describe and went out to him on a number of occasions.

They made it work, but I think a large part of the reason why is because they were able to count down to a point in time when he would be back in Ireland.

Hes now back in Ireland for the last 4 years working for his original company and they've lived together for the last 3 years.

My point is OP that yes it can work, but you both need to be totally devoted, and there needs to be a firm plan in place to put an end to the distance.

Thanks for taking the time to reply

We have a plan to be reunited but it's not so firm. The general plan is for me to finish my degree and then we'll look at what works best at that time. We're both flexible with where we'd like to live; I've no problem with living in Brazil and she wouldn't mind coming back here to live either. (though we've talked about it and if she's going to come back to Europe it's likely that both of us will move to the UK, I had it in my head to move there after I get the degree anyway)

jester77

JustShon wrote: »

Unfortunately there's absolutely no way in hell the company I work for would allow me any sort of remote working, so that's not an option.

Funny thing about the time difference with Brazil is because it's south of the equator, during our summer time (their winter) the time difference is around 4 hours which is a huge pain in the ass but during our winter (their summer) it's only two hours because their daylight savings time is the reverse of ours.

I had 8 hours and 10 hours, I think I remember the 10 difference was easier.

Could you get some unpaid leave? US would be a good point for meeting up if visas are not an issue, even if only for a few days or a long weekend. More shorter trips than just a few long trips would make a difference. The meeting up is what I found to be important, a physical cuddle is worth more than weeks of skyping.

Plus I find skyping to be difficult, you are on the spot and feel like something has to be said and it can sometimes feel forced, very different than if the person is sitting next to you and you can just cuddle without having to say anything.

JustShon

jester77 wrote: »

Could you get some unpaid leave? US would be a good point for meeting up if visas are not an issue, even if only for a few days or a long weekend. More shorter trips than just a few long trips would make a difference. The meeting up is what I found to be important, a physical cuddle is worth more than weeks of skyping.

Plus I find skyping to be difficult, you are on the spot and feel like something has to be said and it can sometimes feel forced, very different than if the person is sitting next to you and you can just cuddle without having to say anything.

The unpaid leave might be possible, but it's a big maybe.

Meeting in the US is likely to happen anyway since her best friend emigrated there this year and she's going to (understandably) want to use some of her holiday time / money to visit said best friend so we'll likely be combining the two at some stage.

I know exactly what you mean about finding skyping difficult. We've talked about doing what another posted suggested and cooking + eating dinner together on skype, so there's no pressure to talk, just cook and eat and be in each others digital company.

SarahMollie

JustShon wrote: »

Thanks for taking the time to reply

We have a plan to be reunited but it's not so firm. The general plan is for me to finish my degree and then we'll look at what works best at that time. We're both flexible with where we'd like to live; I've no problem with living in Brazil and she wouldn't mind coming back here to live either. (though we've talked about it and if she's going to come back to Europe it's likely that both of us will move to the UK, I had it in my head to move there after I get the degree anyway)

From being there for my friend when her BF was away (there were many girly nights to keep her spirits up!) I know she really felt that the planning was the only thing keeping her going.

They used to skype a lot and have the trips booked well in advance so there was always something definite to look forward to.

Also her BF would do silly little things to let her know he was thinking of her, like sending silly pictures or posting over quirky little things he found in Vietnam.

Maybe you could take steps to show her that you're thinking of her while you're apart? Maybe try learning some Portugese so you can impress her with it when you skype. This would also confirm to her that you'd be willing to give living in Brazil a go.

jester77

JustShon wrote: »

The unpaid leave might be possible, but it's a big maybe.

Meeting in the US is likely to happen anyway since her best friend emigrated there this year and she's going to (understandably) want to use some of her holiday time / money to visit said best friend so we'll likely be combining the two at some stage.

I know exactly what you mean about finding skyping difficult. We've talked about doing what another posted suggested and cooking + eating dinner together on skype, so there's no pressure to talk, just cook and eat and be in each others digital company.

Sounds good.

Another thing I've seen mentioned, but was not available back when I was doing this, is watching a show or movie together. There are services out there where you can watch in sync, and if one of you pauses then it is paused on the other persons side. I don't know the name of the service or software, but could be worth checking out. Would also take the pressure off having to keep the conversation going.

JustShon

SarahMollie wrote: »

From being there for my friend when her BF was away (there were many girly nights to keep her spirits up!) I know she really felt that the planning was the only thing keeping her going.

They used to skype a lot and have the trips booked well in advance so there was always something definite to look forward to.

Also her BF would do silly little things to let her know he was thinking of her, like sending silly pictures or posting over quirky little things he found in Vietnam.

Maybe you could take steps to show her that you're thinking of her while you're apart? Maybe try learning some Portugese so you can impress her with it when you skype. This would also confirm to her that you'd be willing to give living in Brazil a go.

I already am learning Portuguese Mostly because her parents haven't a word of English between them and I want to get to know her family. Her parents are learning English now too, which is mighty flattering.

She's quite likely to get random gifts in the post while we're apart and we're both social media addicts so sending messages to let each other know we're thinking of each other should come naturally.

Thanks for the advice

JustShon

jester77 wrote: »

Sounds good.

Another thing I've seen mentioned, but was not available back when I was doing this, is watching a show or movie together. There are services out there where you can watch in sync, and if one of you pauses then it is paused on the other persons side. I don't know the name of the service or software, but could be worth checking out. Would also take the pressure off having to keep the conversation going.

Should've multiquoted this, sorry folks.

Yeah I'd heard of that service and will definitely be looking into it, we have very similar tastes in TV shows so it's a great way we could spend time together.

Hmm_Messiah

JustShon wrote: »

It solves the visa issue for when one of us is able to make a permanent move to the other's country.

Are you sure marriage solves the VISA issue. My OH is from China and had lived in Ireland for 2 years , 10 months of that full time with me, the rest on weekends as doing a masters.
We discussed marriage, but decided not against it 9 for now) as anything I read suggested it in no way helped my OH stay here. Jun was a masters student here and has a Graduate Scheme visa until autumn., but the chances of finding a job within that time is so low looks more sensible to go back to the full time guaranteed job in China.

If it really is the case that marriage can help with permission to stay in the state can some one point me to some info - would be very much appreciated


and apologies if going off the OP's thread, though in reality any help might stop a long distance rship having to happen

baby and crumble

TBH OP from your own comments I think you'll be fine. You seem to have your head on right and know that it'll probably suck but it'll be worth it eventually.

If you can organise some long weekends on the east coast of the US then go for it. Ok, you'll be wrecked as it's a long old trek for a day or 2 but if you plan enough in advance flights can be cheap enough and it'll mean the world to have something to look forward to like others have said. Basically have a look at taking the friday before a bank holiday so you can get an overnight Thursday night flight, and the same back on the Monday night to be back in for Tuesday morning.

JustShon

Hmm_Messiah wrote: »

Are you sure marriage solves the VISA issue. My OH is from China and had lived in Ireland for 2 years , 10 months of that full time with me, the rest on weekends as doing a masters.
We discussed marriage, but decided not against it 9 for now) as anything I read suggested it in no way helped my OH stay here. Jun was a masters student here and has a Graduate Scheme visa until autumn., but the chances of finding a job within that time is so low looks more sensible to go back to the full time guaranteed job in China.

If it really is the case that marriage can help with permission to stay in the state can some one point me to some info - would be very much appreciated


and apologies if going off the OP's thread, though in reality any help might stop a long distance rship having to happen

Here's how it works: They get a 3 month visa for the marriage itself: http://www.inis.gov.ie/en/INIS/Pages/Marriage%20Civil%20partnership%20Visa

Then once married they're allowed a Stamp 4, which is a full-time working visa: http://www.inis.gov.ie/en/inis/pages/stamps - down the bottom it says "Non EEA spouse of an Irish citizen" under main categories of persons permitted to be in the state.

There's more detail to it than that, such as showing evidence of a consistent relationship for 2 years but those are two quick sources I could find for you.

JustShon

baby and crumble wrote: »

TBH OP from your own comments I think you'll be fine. You seem to have your head on right and know that it'll probably suck but it'll be worth it eventually.

If you can organise some long weekends on the east coast of the US then go for it. Ok, you'll be wrecked as it's a long old trek for a day or 2 but if you plan enough in advance flights can be cheap enough and it'll mean the world to have something to look forward to like others have said. Basically have a look at taking the friday before a bank holiday so you can get an overnight Thursday night flight, and the same back on the Monday night to be back in for Tuesday morning.

Thanks for the vote of confidence. I know it's silly since you're a total stranger but it helps

Hmm_Messiah

JustShon wrote: »

Here's how it works: They get a 3 month visa for the marriage itself: http://www.inis.gov.ie/en/INIS/Pages/Marriage%20Civil%20partnership%20Visa

Then once married they're allowed a Stamp 4, which is a full-time working visa: http://www.inis.gov.ie/en/inis/pages/stamps - down the bottom it says "Non EEA spouse of an Irish citizen" under main categories of persons permitted to be in the state.

There's more detail to it than that, such as showing evidence of a consistent relationship for 2 years but those are two quick sources I could find for you.

thanks .

Suddenly, unexpectedly on a Friday big decisions resurface. OH is back Ireland in 3 weeks for Graduation ceremony, " you have become a Master, ya wanna be a Missus too ? "

JustShon

Hmm_Messiah wrote: »

thanks .

Suddenly, unexpectedly on a Friday big decisions resurface. OH is back Ireland in 3 weeks for Graduation ceremony, " you have become a Master, ya wanna be a Missus too ? "

If you feel it's the right thing for both of you as a couple, then go for it but I agree with the poster who earlier pointed out to me that marriage for the sake of a visa might not be the brightest idea. There's a reason the GF and I are doing the long-distance thing before the marriage thing. If we can survive a year or two trans-atlantic then we might be ready as a couple to commit like that.

njs030

Hmm_Messiah wrote: »

thanks .

Suddenly, unexpectedly on a Friday big decisions resurface. OH is back Ireland in 3 weeks for Graduation ceremony, " you have become a Master, ya wanna be a Missus too ? "

Well you have to give 3 months notice to a registrar before you can get married!

JustShon

notjustsweet wrote: »

Well you have to give 3 months notice to a registrar before you can get married!

That is true, I neglected to mention that. That's what the first 3 month visa option I linked to is for. She won't be allowed to work, study or do anything bar live here during those 3 months mind you.