First time mother - feel like Ive made a mistake

throwawaygirl

I have a a gorgeous 2month old baby, but I feel like perhaps I wasn't cut out to be a mother. She was planned and for the first few months of pregnancy I was excited. But in the last month, I started to have doubts about having a child (bit late of course). I put it down to being nervous about labour. As it turned out, labour was pretty traumatic, but in the midst of it when the nurse told me I was 7cm dilated and it shouldn't be long more, I remember actually hoping that it would slow down, that I just wanted to sleep first and I didn't want to have a newborn to take care of (I had an epidural so wasn't in pain at this point). What woman would want to stay in labour to avoid meeting her baby, its just insane right?

Anyway, labour didn't slow down and the baby is here, very healthy beautiful child. She is the most laid back baby ever, rarely cries, she would be every parents dream. I don't deserve her but most days I just feel miserable. I love her but not in the way most parents speak about loving their child. This all-consuming love remains a mystery to me. If I'm not sad and wanting to cry, i feel nothing at all. I feel like I have nothing to look forward to. I'm bored on mat leave and cant remember what I used to do for enjoyment.

Recovery from labour was hard, breastfeeding was hard and I quit. I feel like I failed. I am so lonely as I live far from family and dont have many friends here. I'm too nervous to go to a mom and baby group - afraid ill be judged for not breastfeeding (it's big in this country, I feel id be judged less in Ireland). Also, at Dr appointments I see the way other women interact with their babys and they seem so much more confident and better at motherhood than me.

Sometimes I wonder if I have post partum depression, but I have some good days and I can function and take care of the baby. I have a good appetite and I can still laugh at something funny on TV. Women with PPD are way more depressed than I am. I'm just not cut out for this.

People say it would get better when the baby starts smiling. Well she smiles all the time, and it's really cute but I don't feel better. I dont know what to do, ive ruined my life. How can i do this for 18years.

Into The Blue

I'd cut out the self diagnoses for a start.

You laugh at something on telly, so are not depressed? Go talk to a professional.

Oh and on the breast feeding bit, we made a decision not to breast feed from the start, nothing failing about that. So forget that as well.

mirrorwall14

Please see your PHN or GP and tell them how you feel. I don't think it would be unusual to realise mid labour that you aren't quite ready, I was induced and I felt that way before I started (and had a 2hr labour so had no time to want to stall things).

I love my lad to bits. All consuming? Depends. I have moments where I look at him and go 'oh my god I created that and he's awesome' and others where it's 3am and he's wide awake and you wonder why in the hell you did this. However if you are having none of the awesome bits and lots of the other then I recommend seeing a professional

bp

There is a parenting forum on boards which is great and a thread dedicated to PND, I would encourage you to have a look.

There are days when I want to squeeze my two back in to my uterus believe me!

Please go speak to your doctor and be completely honest, they are there to help. And no parent has their sh*t together 24/7

http://touch.boards.ie/thread/2057395266/1/#post94641667

Tordelback

OP, you sound exactly like almost every parent on earth at one time or another. No-one is ready for this gig, if they're honest with themselves, no-one could be: it's crazy. You could have post-natal/partum depression, or you could just be stunned, knackered and still adjusting - either way it's normal, either way it'll pass, and either way you should chat to your GP and let them advise and help.

tracey turnblad

The thing nobody tells you about becoming a mother is the guilt. You feel guilty for whatever you do... If you breastfeed you feel guilty maybe their not getting enough I feel sore I don't want to do it you feel guilty.. You bottle feed you feel guilty... Every woman in that doctors room was not perfect. I'm sure every woman in that room had their own guilt and it took a lot to put on their face and get to the doctor and look like the perfect mother.... They were probably looking at you thinking the same.
We all think once you have a baby your supposed to instantly fall in love with it... That is not the case. It doesn't always happen and that's ok.
Not everyone has it together they might look like it but but behind the scene a lot of women feel the same as you.i remember on my second child feeling so overwhelmed and looking at everyone else who looked like they had their **** together and I was a mess... Turns out others thought the same about me!

Always it's not a good feeling but it is normal to feel like this. Don't feel guilty if you want to bottle feed I bottle fed mine from the start and they are very healthy. But if you want to continue breastfeeding don't be afraid to ask for help if you need it.

Please speak to your health visitor or gp about how you feel. Make decisions that feel right for you and try not to worry about other people's opinions... They are irrelevant and you will encounter them time and time again. Do what makes you and baby happiest.

Having a small baby is tough

tracey turnblad

Go to the mother and toddler group. They are only women stand by your decision to quit, you might be surprised one or two might not breastfeed either.
No mother is perfect. We are all just here trying to raise our baby in the best way possible

Keane2baMused

OP my sincere advice would be to talk to a healthcare professional.

You may have PND or as someone said it could be a shock to the system mixed with exhaustion.

I will say though that PND presents in many forms. Not everyone will take to the bed and feel completely unable to function. Some slog on and may look perfectly fine even though in reality things aren't looking so good on the inside.

Don't worry about being judged for not breastfeeding. It's a very difficult thing to do and you have nothing to feel bad about by bottle feeding. The fact that you gave it a shot is commendable and you should be proud of that.

Wesser

I'm just reading your post and I can't find any mention of dad. Is he on the scene? What does he think and is he supporting you? If no dad in the scene then what about friends family?

throwawaygirl

Thanks for replies. Maybe I should see a Dr, i'm not sure how I would start to explain it though, it seems a bit embarrassing. A bigger fear though is that if I do not have anything wrong with me, then I'll know that there is no 'getting better' and ill be stuck like this forever. Also, I dont want them to push drugs on me (in North America here).

Wesser wrote: »

I'm just reading your post and I can't find any mention of dad. Is he on the scene? What does he think and is he supporting you? If no dad in the scene then what about friends family?

We are abroad so no family here, which has been tough. Friends, who i'd consider more acquaintances really, dont have their own children and haven't come over to visit or called. I am married and he has helped a lot, he is good with the baby. But I feel less in love with him than before. I dont really want to tell him, I dont think he would understand or know what to do anyway, so no point in just stressing him out. The baby should have at least one normal parent.

RentDayBlues

Every new mum feels like this from time to time, especially early on, there is nothing to feel embarrassed about or ashamed of. I love my kids to bits but there was no all consuming love for me initially, that grew with time. Even now there are days I think am I cut out for this, I think it's called being a parent

I went to see my gp when my second was 20 months thinking I had post natal depression, I didn't, but talking to my gp helped beyond words can express

Please go to yours, you need to be heard.

Having a baby doesn't make you a parent, caring for them does. And if you aren't well then in order to care for them properly you need to care for yourself first

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

I am also a first time mum to a 4 month old. I too found it really tough to adjust to my new role at the start so don't worry you're not alone in feeling overwhelmed or thinking you can't cope. I remember being up one night at 3am trying to get the baby to sleep, feeling absolutely exhausted and actually wondering how was I going to explain to my husband and our families that I wanted to put the baby up for adoption because I felt like I couldn't cope and I was the worlds worse mother. However 4 months later and he is the joy of my life and although it can be challenging I am getting there day by day. And you will too.

What I would suggest is try and get out there and meet other mums. Don't worry about any judgement from people about deciding to bottle feed, I'm sure you won't be the only one! Get out of the house because you will only get into a rut and it will depress you further. Go for walks or even go to your local coffee shop to get a break from being stuck in the house. Maybe consider doing something for yourself so you get time to be you and not just mum. I joined a class that I go to for 2 hours one evening in the week. I get a bit of time to myself and my husband gets some daddy baby bonding time too. Maybe take a look and see if there are any groups/hobbies you can do to get you out of the house on your own for a bit of a break. Or even meet up with a friend for a coffee/drink while your husband can take care of the baby.

As other posters have said it might be no harm to talk to your GP about how you are feeling, even if it's just to get it off your chest. You should also talk to your husband. You are supposed to be a team and support each other, especially now more than ever.

I'm sure you are a wonderful mother so don't beat yourself up over feeling like this. You are doing the best you can. The first few weeks are tough but it will pass. Best of luck with everything

Wompa1

Ours is 5 weeks old. We're in the US. The nurse at the hospital was relieved when we agreed to give him formula. She said people come in thinking it's somehow detrimental and would sooner not feed the baby than feed formula.

The first few days, there was no milk...then there was a little milk but didn't seem to be enough. So we subsidized with formula. A few days later, there was hardly any milk. At that point, I told her to go out and relax. She went out for a few hours and went for a walk in the park. Came back and went to sleep for 2 hours. When she got up, the milk was flowing. There's times it hasn't...we've still been subsidizing with formula whenever needed.

She cried and said she felt like a failure too...it's natural. It will be ok.

She gets the baby blues too. I've been trying to get her to go out without us. She doesn't really have any friends around here too. All of mine are in Ireland. A friend flew in this weekend, so they went out for a few hours today.

She says she's looking forward to going back to work so she has an excuse to drop him off for the day. I don't blame her...I've been taking care of him when giving her a break and it's brutal. A lot of times hate overtakes love and why wouldn't it?...all they do is consume..there's no real interaction or feedback on a meaningful level.

But you just put in the effort now and in a few years, you get to see them developing their own personality, likes, dislikes etc. It's going to be cool!

neemish

OP, there's an assumption out there that baby arrives and every mother automatically falls in loves and bonds and gets all dewey eyed. For some people, it's like that. For other people, bonding is something they have to work on - it doesn't just happen. I know you're saying you're in North America. Could you look up and see are there any community groups that you could talk to? It really does sound like you need some support in this. Depression comes in lots of different forms. Just because you're able to eat and laugh doesn't mean you cant also be depressed.

Start talking - to your partner, to your friends, on forums online, your PHN. All this stuff going around inside your head isn't going to help you.

LegacyUser

No OP, go to your GP. Don't feel stupid. God, GP's have heard every single thing under the sun.

I've a 20 month old and the thing that shook me was the train crash of hormones that hit after the baby was born. I never saw it coming. And not all "oh it's so wonderful I'm a mother" hormones. Hormones that ranged from "nobody is ever taking her from me" to "Shut the hell up, I haven't slept in hours and I don't have a clue what is wrong with you". (sorry, that sounds awful).

Also - you want the truth? I had her and labour was amazing - but I vividly - vividly - remember lying there the evening of the day she was born thinking (wishing) "Look she's gorgeous, but jesus, could someone please take her away for a while so I can sleep? I've just pushed a baby out, I've got stitches and I'm exhausted, I can't possibly get in and out of bed every 3 hours to feed and change her, I want to sleep. Bring her back when I've recovered".I never said it, but my God did I feel it.

I breastfed to start with. For 24 hours. Then she was dehydrated and they started on bottles to rehydrate her quicker. So I combination fed for about 3 weeks then went solely to bottle feeding. Didn't mind at the time, but 4 weeks after doing that, the guilt hit and I cried for a fortnight every time I fed her because I wasn't breastfeeding and I felt so bad about it. I missed it!

That was just the first 8 weeks. Never mind the fact that after breastfeeding, for months afterwards, I wasn't happy with my husband anywhere near my breasts whenever we had sex (few and far between), because it just felt wrong - they had been for my baby, and I just stopped seeing them as something sexual. And the fact that after a couple of months, I didn't really want him hugging me etc like he always used to before we went to sleep because honestly, it was taking up time that I could be sleeping in, and because I had someone hanging out of me all day and that brief period when she was asleep before I dropped off, was about the only time in a day when I didn't have someone who wanted something from me.

So no. You're not crazy. Not in the least.But what you are is on your own in a strange country with a newborn. Look, I'm 5 minutes down the road from my mother, half an hour from my in-laws and surrounded by friends with babies - I had heaps and heaps of support and there were still days where I thought I will never get through this. So please, don't be afraid to go talk to your doctor. It doesn't matter whether you're depressed or not, you do need someone to talk to, just to tell that you're finding it a bit tough and you don't really know how to cope with what you're feeling. Also please know that you will "get better". You won't be stuck like this forever. Because your baby won't be like this forever. Seriously, I know it's so hard to believe this now, but they change and change and change, and with each change, you change too. As I said ours is 20 months old - and don't get me wrong, it's still such hard work - but she is getting more independent by the day and can communicate well and walks and runs herself and it just brings a whole new dimension to the parenting thing. You start to find yourself again, but it does take time and 8 weeks is not a lot of time (though I know it feels like forever!!)

Sorry I know this is a long and confusing post, but just know that you are the same as every first time mother out there, and don't be afraid to ask for help.

Neyite

I think I was about 3 months in before I felt like I knew what we were doing, and when I felt that the baby was really mine. I loved him and cared for him from the start, but it didn't feel like a mother bond that I had expected to feel, more like as if he was my little brother that I was looking after or something?

It didn't last long, and I soon bonded but I was pretty watchful and if it didn't click into place when it did, I'd have been straight into the doctor to get checked for PND, as its pretty common in the early days when your hormones are resettling.

Breastfeeding can be tricky, what's far more important for the baby is a happy mother rather than a sore, stressed upset one. And you know, millions of us thrived on formula world wide. What we forget is that back before formula became common place, there were always women who were unable to breastfeed, except back then, it was common for other women in your community to wet-nurse your baby for you, whether you were just being helped out by neighbours, or whether you actually had money to employ a wet nurse exclusively.

The judgey Breastapo crap annoys me. And I say that as someone who had no issues and breastfed easily until the baby self-weaned. It's not some sort of achievement, it really is down to luck, and having a bit of support. It's like women being smug about having a natural birth looking down on C-section or epidural mums. Just luck on the day, no skill involved, or if there is, its down to the pros in the room with you. Your baby will be absolutely fine on formula. It's the right choice for the baby, and the right choice for you.

First and foremost, do talk to your GP about potential PND. Chances are its just exhaustion with a newborn, but its no harm to be aware of the signs. Its the sign of a good mother when you check yourself out for PND, not a bad one. Have a read of the Post Natal Depression thread and if you need support, you'll get it there.

Keane2baMused

Neyite wrote: »

Breastfeeding can be tricky, what's far more important for the baby is a happy mother rather than a sore, stressed upset one. And you know, millions of us thrived on formula world wide. What we forget is that back before formula became common place, there were always women who were unable to breastfeed, except back then, it was common for other women in your community to wet-nurse your baby for you, whether you were just being helped out by neighbours, or whether you actually had money to employ a wet nurse exclusively.

The judgey Breastapo crap annoys me. And I say that as someone who had no issues and breastfed easily until the baby self-weaned. It's not some sort of achievement, it really is down to luck, and having a bit of support. It's like women being smug about having a natural birth looking down on C-section or epidural mums. Just luck on the day, no skill involved, or if there is, its down to the pros in the room with you.

Couldn't agree more. There are so many factors that can effect breastfeeding also.

I had an emergency c-section with both my kids. I had planned for a vbac (vaginal birth after cesarean) with my 9 month old but thing didn't go to plan and I was whipped off to surgery 2 weeks early.This effected my milk coming in majorly. I put her to the boob, tried to feed. Then pumped (hospital grade flippin industrial strength) and could only get 1 single ml. Then I would have to top her up with formula as she was getting dehydrated. In total that cycle was taking two hours so it was basically time to start all over again when we finished! This went on for 3 weeks. I was extremely sore, extraordinarily exhausted and felt so defeated.

But I realised that the most important thing was happy mama and baby.

Slowly but surely things will fall into place. It does get easier and you will love this little person more than anything in this world. Just take each day at a time.

mapaca

Tell your husband how you're feeling and also speak to your GP or public health nurse. You are not alone in having these feelings. You've just had a baby, that's a huge life change! it's normal to feel overwhelmed with every emotion under the sun hitting you like a landslide. Not to mention the physical exhaustion. Talking it all through is the first step in dealing with it all.

You are not a failure. Every mother feels like this at one time or another. Don't be too hard on yourself. You're doing your best and it WILL get easier, honestly!

Queen-Mise

Go to a health professional.

And whatever you do, don't underestimate how hard the first few months of having a baby is, both of mine were four months before I realised I had been stark raving insane for the first few months. The continual broken nights sleep do strange things to the mind. The stupid things I did, TV remotes in fridges, and suchlike.
And that isn't including all the hormones still racing around the body, I think baby is six months before they calm down.

CaraMay

Breastfeeding didn't work for us. Am I a failure?

bp

CaraMay wrote: »

Breastfeeding didn't work for us. Am I a failure?

Absolutely not. Happy mammy/ daddy = happy baby. Mine were given formula the day they were born as I was so tired the midwife took her away for a few hours so I could sleep.

You gotta do what works

CaraMay

CaraMay wrote: »

Breastfeeding didn't work for us. Am I a failure?

I meant to direct that to the op

Merkin

CaraMay wrote: »

I meant to direct that to the op

No need to be so combative. Keep it on topic.

eviltwin

Merkin wrote: »

No need to be so combative. Keep it on topic.

I think it was meant in the sense that the OP would probably never judge another woman as a failure for not breastfeeding so why is she being so harsh on herself?

Borisgem8

I am no mother, or even a woman but I can tell you this happens to a lot of women. It isn't depression, it is just fear and self doubt. We all have waves of this and women tend to get hit hardest with how they feel about how good of a mother they will be. My advice is to just find one positive thing in each day and be thankful for it. It gets better and easier the more you move forward.

eviltwin

Borisgem8 wrote: »

I am no mother, or even a woman but I can tell you this happens to a lot of women. It isn't depression, it is just fear and self doubt. We all have waves of this and women tend to get hit hardest with how they feel about how good of a mother they will be. My advice is to just find one positive thing in each day and be thankful for it. It gets better and easier the more you move forward.

No one here is qualified to say whether or not the OP has depression. She needs a doctor for that.

seamus

I would second talking to your husband as well as seeking medical advice. I recall thinking when ours was born that if your marriage was in any way rocky, having a child was a surefire way to destroy it. You feel like you become two coworkers coexisting but otherwise not really interacting between the non sleeping and feeding and all the rest.

You also feel like its never going to get better.

All those scary fleeting thoughts you have about sticking the child in a wardrobe for 20 minutes so you can get some sleep or just running out the front door and never coming back - your husband is having them too. This is a perfect time to be completely honest and open with each other so you can know that you're both feeling the same way.

CaraMay

eviltwin wrote: »

I think it was meant in the sense that the OP would probably never judge another woman as a failure for not breastfeeding so why is she being so harsh on herself?

That's exactly it. I know she wouldn't say it to me to it was a reminder not to say it to herself either

Merkin

CaraMay wrote: »

That's exactly it. I know she wouldn't say it to me to it was a reminder not to say it to herself either

Sorry about that CaraMay, totally misconstrued your post!

throwawaygirl

Just came back here to thank everyone who replied to my post. I did see a Dr and have been diagnosed with post partum depression. So not what I hoped for, but I guess at least there is now some sort of plan to try and improve things. Hopefully it works.

Keane2baMused wrote: »

I had an emergency c-section with both my kids. I had planned for a vbac (vaginal birth after cesarean) with my 9 month old but thing didn't go to plan and I was whipped off to surgery 2 weeks early.This effected my milk coming in majorly. I put her to the boob, tried to feed. Then pumped (hospital grade flippin industrial strength) and could only get 1 single ml. Then I would have to top her up with formula as she was getting dehydrated. In total that cycle was taking two hours so it was basically time to start all over again when we finished! This went on for 3 weeks. .

this is pretty much what happened me too - emergency c-section, poor milk supply and then the horrible cycle of trying to breastfeed, then pump, then formula ...then repeat. Ugh it wore me down.

Realt Dearg Sec

throwawaygirl wrote: »

Just came back here to thank everyone who replied to my post. I did see a Dr and have been diagnosed with post partum depression. So not what I hoped for, but I guess at least there is now some sort of plan to try and improve things. Hopefully it works.




this is pretty much what happened me too - emergency c-section, poor milk supply and then the horrible cycle of trying to breastfeed, then pump, then formula ...then repeat. Ugh it wore me down.

Your story, right down to the details, is very similar to my gf, we had a baby last November (also in the states). I think the popular culture has created a set of myths around breastfeeding (I love the term Breastapo, whoever said that on here, very useful term) and the "correct" feelings for mother's to have, that put incredible pressure on women to conform to and huge feelings of failure when they don't. Best of luck with everything, I'm sure you'll do great in the end!

bp

Hopefully you will start to feel better soon, you are not a failure, babies (regardless of howbthey are fed) are tough

wokingvoter

Realt Dearg Sec wrote: »

Your story, right down to the details, is very similar to my gf, we had a baby last November (also in the states). I think the popular culture has created a set of myths around breastfeeding (I love the term Breastapo, whoever said that on here, very useful term) and the "correct" feelings for mother's to have, that put incredible pressure on women to conform to and huge feelings of failure when they don't. Best of luck with everything, I'm sure you'll do great in the end!

absolutely cut off anybody who is telling you what to do or how you should feel, unless they're a qualified medical professional
I wish these people would find something else to do with their time, but I suppose making others feel incompetent makes themselves feel better, so they won't
I've no patience any more

StanleyOllie

Having had 3 children... it is the hardest adjustment to your life. Many dont admit how hard it is. None of my children were breast fed... initially due to medical reasons and yes it is best BUT my children are well balanced, intelligent and best of all happy and loved. Its not a failure to bottle feed.
Its hard and everyone has an opinion. The best piece of advice I got was.... do what works for you. We are all muddling through. Accept help and remember times goes quick and it gets somewhat easier.... or we adjust. Be gentle on yourself. The depression is difficult but it should lift if you try to be positive and do as the doctor says.

Cunning Stunt

Just want to wish the OP the best of luck. I too have been there with the breastfeeding going wrong and the baby blues. I too thought I had made the biggest mistake of my life...

I remember the doctor trying to tell me that ''the love for your child will come'' and I desperately wanted to believe her but I didn't at the time - but she was right. It will get better and you will feel normal and happy again and your baby will be the apple of your eye.

Take it easy on yourself. All the best.