Need advice

Trillet

Guys I need your advice.Im in my mid 20s and I had been seeing a girl for 4. years - around 1.5 years of it had been long distance, we decided to call it a day after the strain it caused on both of us as we both were not living in the same place, she had moved away. We had been texting saying we missed each other and stuff over the past while and it had been playing on my mind to give it a go. A few months later, Ive to come to the conclusion that I would move abroad drop everything here but I'm not getting anywhere and she wants me to move on with my life, she believes that it wouldn't work out.

I'm meeting her soon for closure and really need some sort of advice? I love the girl to bits and have been suffering with depression with the issue due to this, any advice or tips would be great or what to say on the day? Her mood is pessimistic about the whole thing so I'm not very confident.

Hemerodrome

Trillet wrote: »

I'm meeting her soon for closure

No you're not, you're meeting her hoping to turn things around. If you really want closure, find it yourself by accepting it's over and making a clean break. You're just prolonging the heartache for yourself at this stage. She's not helping, but you can only take responsibility for yourself. All signs point to this being over and I think you should read them, then go and get on with your life before you waste any more time.

Trillet

Hemerodrome wrote: »

No you're not, you're meeting her hoping to turn things around. If you really want closure, find it yourself by accepting it's over and making a clean break. You're just prolonging the heartache for yourself at this stage. She's not helping, but you can only take responsibility for yourself. All signs point to this being over and I think you should read them, then go and get on with your life before you waste any more time.

I appreciate that, but I don't want to let her go. She's a stunning, nice, beautiful girl, I couldn't move to due to circumstances here, but now I can. I believe its closure as I think she won't change her mind but all I can do is tell her I'd drop everything in the morning for her, that may trigger something I don't know, even seeing me might be a help.

I'm 25 years of age and feel ill never find someone like her again, we've been going out/seeing each other for ye bones of 5 years. I'm very upset over the situation, haven't slept, getting sick and no appetite

acon2119

I think you need to meet this girl as planned to enable you to move on with your life, whether this moving on process is with the girl or without her. I think you have to see her face to face to be able to settle your mind, but you must be willing to accept it if she dosent want to get into a relationship properly with you again.

If you still feel the same when you meet her, put your cards on the table, tell her you are willing to move to be with her (if you are) and ask her to be honest with you regarding whether she wants to be with you.

If it dosent work out at least you will know you tried and this will help you move on in a different direction.
Good luck.

Trillet

acon2119 wrote: »

I think you need to meet this girl as planned to enable you to move on with your life, whether this moving on process is with the girl or without her. I think you have to see her face to face to be able to settle your mind, but you must be willing to accept it if she dosent want to get into a relationship properly with you again.

If you still feel the same when you meet her, put your cards on the table, tell her you are willing to move to be with her (if you are) and ask her to be honest with you regarding whether she wants to be with you.

If it dosent work out at least you will know you tried and this will help you move on in a different direction.
Good luck.

Really appreciate it Acon. She was very reluctant to meet me, maybe she wants to move on and meeting me might plant a seed of doubt (I hope). Who knows, look I'll never be able to move on unless we have this conversation.

I'm willing to drop everything, I know nobody in the location she lives, no family, no friends, I'd leave my job, everything that surely counts for something right?

KikiDee

Heya Trillet,

I agree with Hemerodrome. And the reason I agree is because I was in the same situation a month ago (admittedly, we broke up for very different reasons). I convinced everyone around me I was meeting for closure but in my heart of hearts, I was hoping to change his mind about us. It didn't work but like Acon said, it needed to be done. It had to be a face to face meeting. And if it happens that your situation is different to mine and ye get back together, brilliant! If not, you will get the closure you need. It'll be hard, can't deny that but, it will also be the best thing to happen at this stage.

I know you feel now like your life will never be the same again and in someways it won't be but I promise, you'll start to come out of this.

Just from personal experience, try doing things you wouldn't have done when ye were together. For example, I've started listening to genres of music I never listened to when I was with my ex, so there's no association and I'm finding I'm liking it. Same with TV shows and stuff.

Another little tip that works for me is don't focus too much on the future right now. Look at what you need to do to get you through the next 15 - 30 minutes. When I feel overwhelmed by it, that's what I do. And I'm so focused on the next 15 - 30 minutes, the feeling of being totally overwhelmed goes.

I really hope everything works out for you Trillet

Trillet

KikiDee wrote: »

Heya Trillet,

I agree with Hemerodrome. And the reason I agree is because I was in the same situation a month ago (admittedly, we broke up for very different reasons). I convinced everyone around me I was meeting for closure but in my heart of hearts, I was hoping to change his mind about us. It didn't work but like Acon said, it needed to be done. It had to be a face to face meeting. And if it happens that your situation is different to mine and ye get back together, brilliant! If not, you will get the closure you need. It'll be hard, can't deny that but, it will also be the best thing to happen at this stage.

I know you feel now like your life will never be the same again and in someways it won't be but I promise, you'll start to come out of this.

Just from personal experience, try doing things you wouldn't have done when ye were together. For example, I've started listening to genres of music I never listened to when I was with my ex, so there's no association and I'm finding I'm liking it. Same with TV shows and stuff.

Another little tip that works for me is don't focus too much on the future right now. Look at what you need to do to get you through the next 15 - 30 minutes. When I feel overwhelmed by it, that's what I do. And I'm so focused on the next 15 - 30 minutes, the feeling of being totally overwhelmed goes.

I really hope everything works out for you Trillet

Thanks look I'm not looking for miracles. If things don't work out, I will go travelling for a year, I'd obviously rather go with her but that's out of my hands now.

I'll put my cards on the table tell her I'll leave everything behind in the morning for her, perhaps mention the great times we had, also I could be now on a level par with all other guys out there so I'm basically just looking for a chance to show her why she fell in love with me in the first place. I hope it goes well, we'll see what happens.

Monkey61

Trillet wrote: »

I'll put my cards on the table tell her I'll leave everything behind in the morning for her, perhaps mention the great times we had, also I could be now on a level par with all other guys out there so I'm basically just looking for a chance to show her why she fell in love with me in the first place. I hope it goes well, we'll see what happens.

It's not often I am motivated to post a response here and please don't think I am being overly harsh, but look - something you will hopefully learn (as most people do) in time is that 99.9999999% of the time grand gestures don't work. We are so conditioned by tv/films etc to think they do, but that's not real. You can't manipulate someone into being with you. Well, you can, but it won't work out. Talking about dropping everything, remembering the good times etc - honestly, it is not going to work. And the concept of dropping everything for someone - well, you know it often isn't necessarily that attractive a concept. It sort of implies that nothing else in your life is important and that you will just do whatever she wants, and that's not a great place to get into a relationship.

If someone wants to be with you - they will be. And this girl isn't even on the fence by the sounds of things, she has categorically told you to move on. And it sounds like you have already tried to persuade her.

You're going to meet up with her anyway, no matter what anyone tells you, I'd imagine. But please, please go into it knowing that you can't convince someone to be with you. You can't give reasons, or plead your case. And really, would you want to be with someone that you had to convince to be with you? The danger with meeting her, I'd think, is that even if you think you will be able to let it go when she says no, will you? Chances are, she will give you a bunch of reasons why you shouldn't be together, and you might end up getting trapped in a cycle of trying to prove why you should based on what she has said. When what she might really mean is that she just doesn't feel it/ doesn't love you/ doesn't really want to. Just because it was good once, or she loved you once, doesn't mean she always will.

I'd also imagine that there was a reason that you didn't move with her originally? If 2.5 years into a relationship one person is happy to move, that is perhaps a sign that it wasn't going to work out anyway.

I could be totally wrong of course, but based on what you have said, I'd be willing to bet that I am not.

But don't forget, even though you think she's great - there are loads of other people out there and one/ many of them could be better. You just don't know that because you haven't met them yet. But you will, if only you give it a chance. You will meet someone one day that you think is much better and that thinks you are so great that they don't have to be convinced that being in a relationship with you is a good idea.

sharkey 25

Monkey61 wrote: »

It's not often I am motivated to post a response here and please don't think I am being overly harsh, but look - something you will hopefully learn (as most people do) in time is that 99.9999999% of the time grand gestures don't work. We are so conditioned by tv/films etc to think they do, but that's not real. You can't manipulate someone into being with you. Well, you can, but it won't work out. Talking about dropping everything, remembering the good times etc - honestly, it is not going to work. And the concept of dropping everything for someone - well, you know it often isn't necessarily that attractive a concept. It sort of implies that nothing else in your life is important and that you will just do whatever she wants, and that's not a great place to get into a relationship.

If someone wants to be with you - they will be. And this girl isn't even on the fence by the sounds of things, she has categorically told you to move on. And it sounds like you have already tried to persuade her.

You're going to meet up with her anyway, no matter what anyone tells you, I'd imagine. But please, please go into it knowing that you can't convince someone to be with you. You can't give reasons, or plead your case. And really, would you want to be with someone that you had to convince to be with you? The danger with meeting her, I'd think, is that even if you think you will be able to let it go when she says no, will you? Chances are, she will give you a bunch of reasons why you shouldn't be together, and you might end up getting trapped in a cycle of trying to prove why you should based on what she has said. When what she might really mean is that she just doesn't feel it/ doesn't love you/ doesn't really want to. Just because it was good once, or she loved you once, doesn't mean she always will.

I'd also imagine that there was a reason that you didn't move with her originally? If 2.5 years into a relationship one person is happy to move, that is perhaps a sign that it wasn't going to work out anyway.

I could be totally wrong of course, but based on what you have said, I'd be willing to bet that I am not.

But don't forget, even though you think she's great - there are loads of other people out there and one/ many of them could be better. You just don't know that because you haven't met them yet. But you will, if only you give it a chance. You will meet someone one day that you think is much better and that thinks you are so great that they don't have to be convinced that being in a relationship with you is a good idea.

Just reading through this thread and agree with this. I know this from my own recent experience and I can tell you that unless she shows a willing Ness to get back together then leave it. Looking back on my situation , I probably was trying to convince her to stay in the relationship when all the signs were there that she had checked out of it. Up until recently I still kept hopes of getting back together and only now can see how absurd my thinking was at certain stages.
If you do meet her I would advise not to just tell her how crazy you are about her but to look for any sign that there is something there and try to avoid seeing signs that are not there.

Dial Hard

Trillet wrote:

Really appreciate it Acon. She was very reluctant to meet me, maybe she wants to move on and meeting me might plant a seed of doubt (I hope). Who knows, look I'll never be able to move on unless we have this conversation.

OP, you are seriously grasping at straws here. The fact that she didn't want to meet you speaks volumes. And it's not because she's afraid she's going to fall at your feet again.

I agree with other posters that nothing anyone here says is going to change your mind about meeting her. But I honestly think you're just putting your hand out to get it slapped.

Trillet

Dial Hard wrote: »

OP, you are seriously grasping at straws here. The fact that she didn't want to meet you speaks volumes. And it's not because she's afraid she's going to fall at your feet again.

I agree with other posters that nothing anyone here says is going to change your mind about meeting her. But I honestly think you're just putting your hand out to get it slapped.

Meeting not going ahead now. Do you not think I'd be at least worth the curtosy after a few years?

The closure would have really helped me get on with this.

liquoriceall

What closure?? I don't understand the whole concept? She has told you she doesn't want to be with you! Do you want to meet her so she can give a 'proper' reason?? What if the proper reason is that she doesn't fancy you because you've put on 2 stone? Or that your laugh annoys her? Or the sex was dreadful? Do you see what I'm saying? You are trying to force her into a autuation she has no desire to be in and for what?

Trillet

liquoriceall wrote: »

What closure?? I don't understand the whole concept? She has told you she doesn't want to be with you! Do you want to meet her so she can give a 'proper' reason?? What if the proper reason is that she doesn't fancy you because you've put on 2 stone? Or that your laugh annoys her? Or the sex was dreadful? Do you see what I'm saying? You are trying to force her into a autuation she has no desire to be in and for what?

So you're a believer in finishing things through social media and not by face to face?

I wanted to get a few things off my chest, wish her the best and get on with my life. Messaging is soulless and makes things worse. Look were all different and I appreciate your opinion.

liquoriceall

I think yes if you are living nearby you can meet to finish it, however ye are already finished so what's the point of meeting?

Dial Hard

Trillet wrote:

The closure would have really helped me get on with this.

But by your own admission you weren't meeting for closure, you were meeting in the hope that your big dramatic declaration of love would convince her to get back with you.

You can't see it yet, but she did you a favour by cancelling the meeting. You will see that in time, I promise.

Trillet

Dial Hard wrote: »

But by your own admission you weren't meeting for closure, you were meeting in the hope that your big dramatic declaration of love would convince her to get back with you.

You can't see it yet, but she did you a favour by cancelling the meeting. You will see that in time, I promise.

Should I even respond to the message regarding not meeting up and just let it go?

batmanrobin

Trillet wrote: »

Should I even respond to the message regarding not meeting up and just let it go?

Just let it go, OP. Block her and delete her number.

As others have said, you're not looking for closure, you're looking to convince her to go back to you.

Her not wanting to meet you has more to do with the fact that she most likely doesn't want to get into a big drawn out conversation.

She doesn't want to be with you. That's all the closure you need. There's nothing else you need to know.

If there are things you want to say to her, I'd suggest writing a letter and burning it, say the words out loud to yourself, whatever. The point is to get them out of your brain and release them. Then YOU move on. But you really need to let go of the hope of reconciliation.

Trillet

batmanrobin wrote: »

Just let it go, OP. Block her and delete her number.

As others have said, you're not looking for closure, you're looking to convince her to go back to you.

Her not wanting to meet you has more to do with the fact that she most likely doesn't want to get into a big drawn out conversation.

She doesn't want to be with you. That's all the closure you need. There's nothing else you need to know.

If there are things you want to say to her, I'd suggest writing a letter and burning it, say the words out loud to yourself, whatever. The point is to get them out of your brain and release them. Then YOU move on. But you really need to let go of the hope of reconciliation.

So do I respond to the message yes or no? I feel as if I'll never meet someone like this again, I need to sort out the depression first before I do anything.

Johngoose

It's over!You are wasting your time meeting up with her.She is over you,has moved on and doesn't want to continue the relationship. I know it mightn't fit in your head that it's over.She may be stunning,intelligent,etc., but that isn't the issue.Not being cruel but you may not have been going out with her for as long as you think.This long distance thing could easily have been more due to you not letting go.She may have met somebody and just doesn't want to hurt you. You should consider getting counselling,to help you move on with your life.There are other great women out there.

Dial Hard

Trillet wrote:

So do I respond to the message yes or no? I feel as if I'll never meet someone like this again, I need to sort out the depression first before I do anything.

If it will help you sleep tonight then reply, wish her well, then delete her number and start concentrating on yourself. Perhaps make an appointment to speak to your doctor about your depression if you haven't had treatment for it yet.

Ursus Horribilis

If you want to reply to her, then simply acknowledge the message and wish her well in the future. Then cut contact and seek help for your depression.

As everyone is saying, there is nothing to be gained from meeting her. It was most likely going to be very awkward and it's obvious she didn't want to meet. I think most people don't want to come face to face with they person they've just dumped and have hurt. What is there to say? Meaningless clichés like "It's not you, it's me? Or honesty which can wound. Do you really need to be told your ex thought you were boring/needy/annoying/crap in bed/no longer attractive? Sometimes you should be careful what you wish for.