Is there a compromise we can come to?

bp

CanWeCompromise wrote: »

Then last week he said that he doesn't want to be in a relationship any more. He said he wants the freedom of being single and the curiosity is beginning to get the better of him. He said that he has no previous relationships to compare ours to and he only knows what it's like to be with me.

He's torn now because he doesn't want to give me up but he desperately wants to be single.

As per above, he was a virgin (she wasn't) and wants to be with other people before settling down and have a year of s*x

Noodles81

Having been in a similar situation but without a child I somewhat understand how you feel. We were engaged with wedding booked when he decided he wanted to be with other women. Fast forward 5 years later and he's still alone. He arrived back at my door 2 years later which I was amazed at because he was so sure about his decision at the time. When we were over a dew weeks I was weak and gave him intimacy when he promised to attend counselling. He walked out the next morning and that was the last I saw of him until he turned up at my door with love letters and flowers 2 years later.

He knows he made a big mistake now but time changes people and heals them too. There is no going back now.

Now as for your possible next steps:

Try and eat healthily and get fresh air.

Don't isolate yourself but choose who you speak with wisely.

Take time to consider your options and how YOU will feel looking into the future going it alone or with him by your side. Yes you probably will find love again but it's still very difficult in those 1st few years when you can't date anyone else properly due to your broken heart.

Write it all down. The good and the bad. Remember to be honest with yourself. Have a burning ritual one year from now.

Yes it's easy to say it's low self esteem talking when you are looking at options that others find unpalatable but when set on a path like this that you didn't choose you can be consumed with guilt or regrets. Especially concerning did you do right by your child.

Either path can and will be life affirming and bring hope and happiness. They'll just be in different forms. You will be a changed person because of this. My sister reared her son alone after her partner left when the child was 3. He has regular visits with Dad and is a grand chap. But his Dad does choose himself and girlfriends over my nephew even at Christmas. He's a good father but he has a major flaw...sometimes he'll drop his son if there's a night out but will make it up the next day or week. It's life and it happens, very frustrating for my sister to see but it doesn't mean he doesn't love him. His priorities aren't matched to my sister's but they do their best by their child and he is happy.


Take his honesty as how your gut sees it. Only you know if it was meant to manipulate you or if he's just foolish and confused.

If it's the latter well then you have something to work with. People get over affairs if both parties want to. And they involve so much deceit and loss of trust. Him telling you can be read as a cry for help as in these thoughts are controlling him and he's telling you before he acts on them. Or they can be him being a prized idiot who has no regard for your feelings only himself.

Again only you know which is which.

Your self esteem is in tatters but your gut instinct will still know which of the above is true.

Be patient is my advice, you are incredibly mature and self aware in this situation. Take his honesty as a positive and steer the ship in your direction lest it sinks. If he is reluctant to do this he probably wants out.

I reckon it's all in his head and together you both can move through this with patience and love. He seems terribly confused but honest. A lot of guys would not discuss these feelings but just act on them if they got the chance and come home pretending they are true to you.

But your man didn't. He's an idiot yes but one that I see a glimmer of honesty and integrity in. Punishing him by giving him his marching order is a valid option but one you can still do in a few weeks/ months time.

Get him to a couples counsellor and find out if he loves you and is just terribly anxious about his future or if it's more sinister. Then act as dispassionately as you can.

You are an equal to him in this relationship and he is not treating you as one right now. I wish you success in whatever path you go down.

Patience, respect for self and each other, right judgement and compassion are qualities you both will need to navigate through this. I wish you these in abundance over the next few months.

LegacyUser

Thank you everyone for your replies. It has helped a little to tell somebody outside of the situation and get impartial perspectives. The past two weeks have been hard, a lot of bad things all happened at once. I haven't told any of my family or friends yet as I wanted to know what the outcome was before airing our dirty laundry, but I think a few may have guessed that something is up. I understand what @sup_dude was saying, I'm not going to deny him time with our son but I'm not going to work it around what he wants the whole time either. We will have to sort something out this week that will work for the three of us.

Thanks @Noodles81 for your reply, it helps to hear from someone who was in a similar position. I keep telling myself I'm not going to take him back if he comes running because I don't want him thinking he can walk all over me and I'll just take him back every time.

The hard part now is letting it sink in that it's actually over. All of the things that we had talked about and that I was looking forward to will never happen. I need to stop allowing myself to get excited about plans for the future when in reality very few of them have actually worked out, but that's life.

PressRun

CanWeCompromise wrote: »

The hard part now is letting it sink in that it's actually over. All of the things that we had talked about and that I was looking forward to will never happen. I need to stop allowing myself to get excited about plans for the future when in reality very few of them have actually worked out, but that's life.

Just because your plans with this particular person haven't worked out doesn't mean that what you want for your future is never going to materialize. You're young, you still have plenty of time to meet someone who wants to be with you and only you, and is ready to build that future with you. You've done the right thing here and you're giving yourself a chance to find someone who is on the same page as you.

Best of luck.