Never Been Anywhere, Never Do Anything, Total non-Life...

Reactor

Is anyone else like this? I was thinking today Im nearly 32, I have no friends, sh1tty qualifications, never had a girlfriend, no hobbies, no pasttimes, never been abroad, never drove a car, never sailed a boat (lol), never had a job I liked, never had anyone ask if Id like to do something, never even gone into a pub for a drink. Is there a term for this besides complete loser?

I go home every evening from work, make a sandwich, watch tv and click around on the internet until its time to go to bed then repeat, been doing this for 7 years now and my life is absolutely flying by with no purpose or point to it. I have absolutely nothing to look forward to besides getting older and everything being harder from now on.

No real point to this thread just wondering if anyone else out there is the same or did they manage to change it around somehow?

baby and crumble

I think most people have had periods like this, OP- I know I have- but it's important to shake yourself out of it. Unfortunately, the only person who can do that is you. You are the one who has to decide to make a change.

Start small, maybe sign up to an interesting group on Facebook or Meetup that has face-to-face meetings regularly like a book club or cinema club. Then go from there.

I'd highly recommend finding an evening class that you like the look of. I do a ceramics class and it's totally brilliant. Met lots of new people that I really like. It's great to have something out of the house to look forward to.

discus

I don't think anything I did before 25 counts for much in reality, life only started for me when I left Ireland on my own. You're not the only guy out there who feels like that, but do do something about it

miamee

Hi Reactor,
I have never been in exactly the same position as you but there did come a time when I found that I was doing the Monday - Friday of my life in a bit of a dream; get up, go to work, come home, cook, watch TV, go to bed. Repeat. Time actually flies by when it's all the same and I couldn't say what I'd spent the time doing because really I'd done nothing.

What I did (and still do) is sign up to do a class at least once a week. Whatever you are interested in (and there has to be something!), find out if there is a class in your area near work or near home and sign yourself up. Getting out to do something one night a week will have benefits and if you like the feeling, you may do other things. I'm not saying that the first class you go to will have you making friends for life but at least it will get you interacting socially and you might meet some like-minded people. Meetup.com is also good for improving your social life, have a search for meet-ups in your area for something you enjoy - a film club, book club, games club, hiking group, running group, dancing, weekends away, whatever it is.

Unfortunately, if you do nothing new, you'll experience nothing new. None of this is beyond your control though, you have a job so presumably could afford to do a little holiday if you wanted to with a little saving in advance? No one is going to do this stuff for you, you have to make it happen yourself

Reactor

I just cant understand how it went so wrong, to never even speak to a woman or make a friend since primary school? That goes well beyond the usual "I should go to a meetup or do some night classes..." What does it mean? To never have been on holiday? Its like Ive been a drug addict or alcoholic for years but I don't even smoke.

And usually when you hear about people like this they can say at least I invested it all in this great career instead or Im really good at this skill but I make 30k a year in what is basically data entry and dont even have a hobby unless you class passing the time on Youtube until bedtime every night as a hobby.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Dial Hard

What's your family situation, OP, could you socialise with them? I meet my Dad and my sisters every Tuesday for an after-work drink, it's something we all look forward to.

As for the rest of the stuff - none of that will change unless you make the effort. Apply for your learner's permit and book some driving lessons. Book a holiday. Take yourself and a book or newspaper out to dinner.

Everyone suffers from what I call "Conveyor Belt Syndrome" every so often but what you've described in your post is definitely extreme. Can I ask whether there's any particular reason you've never done so many completely everyday things?

miamee

Reactor wrote: »

I just cant understand how it went so wrong, to never even speak to a woman or make a friend since primary school? That goes well beyond the usual "I should go to a meetup or do some night classes..." What does it mean? To never have been on holiday? Its like Ive been a drug addict or alcoholic for years but I don't even smoke.

And usually when you hear about people like this they can say at least I invested it all in this great career instead or Im really good at this skill but I make 30k a year in what is basically data entry and dont even have a hobby unless you class passing the time on Youtube until bedtime every night as a hobby.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Do you talk to people? Do you interact with your work colleagues? Did you interact with people at school/college?
I get the sense from your post that you expected that these things would just happen but they don't happen by magic. If you have always distanced yourself from people like you are doing now, it's the natural result of that but it is something that can be changed if you want it to.

sparksfly

Like the others, I know it sounds like a cliche but you really have to make the decision to kick off a new you. Its a good time as well, make it a 2016 goal. One great way is to join a walking/hiking club or group. It will get you out, get you physically fit, improve your mental well-being and most importantly, introduce you to new friends.

Reactor

miamee wrote: »

Do you talk to people? Do you interact with your work colleagues? Did you interact with people at school/college?
I get the sense from your post that you expected that these things would just happen but they don't happen by magic. If you have always distanced yourself from people like you are doing now, it's the natural result of that but it is something that can be changed if you want it to.

No talking to anyone, its really bizarre, I live in a big house that sees a high turnover of tenants and its always the same, saying hello then dead silence, male or female, its the exact same with the people I work with, just hellos in the morning and goodbyes in the evening, absolutely nothing else. I can make a remark about the weather or IT problems or whatever and they will agree but it will always be a dead end conversation-wise. Zero chance of anyone offering to socialize or even continue the conversation or anything like that.

Reactor

sparksfly wrote: »

Like the others, I know it sounds like a cliche but you really have to make the decision to kick off a new you. Its a good time as well, make it a 2016 goal. One great way is to join a walking/hiking club or group. It will get you out, get you physically fit, improve your mental well-being and most importantly, introduce you to new friends.

I dont make friends, at all, if I go to that walking or hiking group I will be the one person that nobody talks to there, Ive seen it over and over again in college. I have a basically fake Facebook profile, my real details but all fake friends I gathered from gaming pages/tv shows etc, just grab the list of 200 people who liked an article and friend request them all and you'll pick up 20 new friends, then I used that fake profile to say hello to real people I went to school with or worked with previously that are living near to me but they always just say hello and then dead end again.

Down home at Christmas exact same thing with my relations, cousins my age and above, awkward hello then nothing, its a mystery to me. Im not great looking but there are definitely uglier people out there.

baby and crumble

Reactor wrote: »

I just cant understand how it went so wrong, to never even speak to a woman or make a friend since primary school?

But have you made the effort to speak to people or make friends? Like another poster said, they don't just fall into your lap, you have to make an effort to meet people and become friends.

Reactor wrote: »

What does it mean? To never have been on holiday?

why can't you go on a holiday? You have a job, presumably you get leave. Just book 2 weeks and go somewhere. Yeah, maybe you'll be on your own, but at least you'll be somewhere different. That in itself might jumpstart you.

Reactor wrote: »

And usually when you hear about people like this they can say at least I invested it all in this great career instead or Im really good at this skill but I make 30k a year in what is basically data entry and dont even have a hobby unless you class passing the time on Youtube until bedtime every night as a hobby.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

Not to be blunt, but like we've all said, the only one who canchange things is you. Our siggestions are join a class, find a hobby, experiment, take risks. It's scary, but it's the ONLY way your life will change.

And hey, if you like youtube, then why not make a video instead of just watching them? If you have a laptop or even a smart phone you can do it. It might just be a simple slideshow, or maybe a 1 minute vlog with you talking to camera about something in the news. Maybe an answer video to one you really like? Or one you don't.

I feel like you are in a bad place but your life is so negative it's making YOU negative about life, so you don't feel your life will ever change. And you're right, it won't unless you decide to change it.

pgj2015

join a club, football, hiking whatever interests you, try to chat to as many people at the club meet ups, when you are talking to them, suggest heading out for a few drinks, or go see a play, cinema, whatever. if you can't manage this, head out on the town alone, go to a gig alone, buy a ticket to a festival and go do it. as another poster said friends, hobbies, life experiences are not going to fall into your lap, you have to make things happen. And even if the idea of going out alone is not appealing to you, it sure beats being alone at home.

baby and crumble

Reactor wrote: »

I have a basically fake Facebook profile, my real details but all fake friends I gathered from gaming pages/tv shows etc, just grab the list of 200 people who liked an article and friend request them all and you'll pick up 20 new friends, then I used that fake profile to say hello to real people I went to school with or worked with previously that are living near to me but they always just say hello and then dead end again.

Well not to be rude, but there's your problem. Why create a fake profile and expect people you know to connect with it? Why create a fake one at the outset? Of course no-one is going to connect with you via that medium, and tbh people can tell fairly quick if it's a fake profile.

Reactor

baby and crumble wrote: »

Well not to be rude, but there's your problem. Why create a fake profile and expect people you know to connect with it? Why create a fake one at the outset? Of course no-one is going to connect with you via that medium, and tbh people can tell fairly quick if it's a fake profile.

I edited it to be more clear, its all my real details I just didnt want to look like a total loser to family members so I bulked it up with fake friends, just to see if there was anything happening there that I was missing out on, there wasnt.

freshpopcorn

Not much help. Book the theory test and do it and start driving. Doing the lessons you'll have a lot of interaction with the instructor and once your test passed you'll really open up your ability to do things.

Reactor

Ive failed it about 8 times, taken literally 100 lessons. That was in Galway though, never tried it in Dublin. Id love a car but it doesn't seem worth the money to me, nowhere to go anyway.

freshpopcorn

Reactor wrote: »

Ive failed it about 8 times, taken literally 100 lessons. That was in Galway though, never tried it in Dublin. Id love a car but it doesn't seem worth the money to me, nowhere to go anyway.

What was the issues that you failed on? Would driving and automatic car help. I know people who failed loads of tests until they went to angood instructor who had a high pass rate.
I think I saw you were interested in gaming. Have they ever meet up that you could attend.

baby and crumble

Reactor wrote: »

I edited it to be more clear, its all my real details I just didnt want to look like a total loser to family members so I bulked it up with fake friends, just to see if there was anything happening there that I was missing out on, there wasnt.

Who cares? I know loads of people that have a small number of connections on facebook, it doesn't mean anything. But the fact that you're bulking it up with fake ones, or people you don't even know, makes people wary. At least it would me. And anyway, Facebook isn't real life. At all.

Reactor wrote: »

Ive failed it about 8 times, taken literally 100 lessons. That was in Galway though, never tried it in Dublin. Id love a car but it doesn't seem worth the money to me, nowhere to go anyway.

OP, you are really, really negative about everything, and that makes it frustrating to try and help you. You need to find a way to stop the negativity, you're only 32 for goodness sake, it's not like you're 80! You're very young and more than able to make a change to turn your life around. You obviously want to, it's obviously bothering you or you wouldn't have written this thread looking for ways to change it. But YOU have to make the changes, and that takes effort. You seem to want to bat away every suggestion with "what's the point" or "It's not my fault".

Wanderer2010

Reactor wrote: »

its a mystery to me. Im not great looking but there are definitely uglier people out there.

This mindset can drive you crazy OP trust me I know. I used to look at certain people, with neither looks NOR personality and wonder how the hell they convinced someone to be their boy/girlfriend or to marry them. Society always gives the advice to treat your dates well, be kind etc but there are a massive amount of nasty, mean, horrible and plain ugly people out there who have other halves and it really is strange how they get them.

But....try to focus instead on, as others have said, on getting out of the house, even once a month to start off, at a Meetup group and just enjoy the activity and don't focus on what you should be saying and take it from there, if you don't like the activity try another one there are loads out there.Good luck!

looksee

OP, first point, appearance doesn't really matter.

Don't look at other people as close friends or women as potential dates. Just make the effort to be friendly. Imagine that everyone you speak to sees life the same way as you do currently, they need someone to make a bit of effort to be friendly rather than you saying hello then waiting for something to happen.

You look just as confident/ aloof/ offhand/ sociable to other people as they think they look to you.

But you are never going to meet other people while you sit at home. You have to go out and do stuff. Make the effort and forget online stuff, join something that interests you and give people chance to get to know you. Walking is a great idea, you don't have to be 'good' at anything and you can drift from group to group of people as you chat and get to know them.

Reactor

Its not really being negative though, predicting that things would turn out this bad when you're young would be being negative. Asking about it when you've turned out like this is just being realistic, like I can give up on female company for one thing, 32 years without even kissing a girl or going on a date when you're fully healthy and not deformed or even overweight is a sign that something is majorly wrong and its not just in my head being negative. And its not projecting desperation either because I dont even think about it anymore tbh.

Ive had a job or parttimejob all my life since 14 or 15 and college so Ive seen plenty of people meet and make friends purely at work not going out drinking or anything and it never happens to me, its always just a greeting and nothing more, nobody tries to make conversation with me, I just cannot understand it. Its not in my head or a bad attitude, it really happens.

miamee

It IS a bad attitude though.

Everything you've said is along the lines of "it never happens to me" "no one ever talks to me" as though it's the world's fault and none of this is your responsibility at all. The common denominator in these interactions is you, you can't expect friendship to suddenly blossom from "hello". You've tried sitting at home surfing the net and no friendship or change has come from that so it's time to try something else.

Sorry to be blunt but I'm not sure what kind of advice you were expecting from people if it wasn't that you would need to make some changes.

j8wk2feszrnpao

OP, I'm going to be honest with you.
You do come across as being negative.

I mean, people have put forward some suggestions, have you acted on any on them?

You've kinda repeated the same thing over and over, with a very negative vibe to it. Ok, you're unhappy with things, but seriously, only you can make the required changes.
Book a weekend break away. Go see Paris, Rome, Berlin.... It's probably the easiest thing to tick off your list.

And the only advise I can give is this. If you ask for help, and people give you suggestions and try be positive with you; and yet you respond with negativity, they will likely abandon you. Others have their own issues and lives to live. A bit of a "get up and go attitude" is required from you to improve things.

Apologies if that is overly harsh, but it's the way I see it.

looksee

OP: a few ground rules:

1. Stop looking back, you can't do anything about the things that have passed, you can deal with the future.
2. Don't expect to make friends at work; occasionally it happens, but mostly it doesn't. You have to get out.
3. Look at your appearance, do you look as un-interested in your appearance as you sound? Go to a store where they have a personal shopper and get some suggestions about what you could wear, get a new hairstyle. You will feel less like your gloomy self and more like the new you that you are looking for.
4. Join something - any of the suggestions that have been made. If you do decide to join a walking club make sure you have suitable shoes and clothing.
5. Stop thinking about yourself, stand up, head up, look at the world and make an effort to think about other people. Not what they think about you, but you find out about them.

If this seems impossible, look for a counsellor who will help you find your way out of your rut. But in the end no-one is going to wave a magic wand, it is up to you.

garden

Ah i don't really relply to such posts but im really feeling for you...

My advice is

Start by making small changes or giving yourself small goals. Make a list of what you want to do in 2016.

Surely there are single friend type clubs (im not single nor living in a city) where you can arrange a cinema trip etc. with a group?

I'm guessing a bookclub at a local library would be a good place to meet people and you already have a subject to talk about

Could you volunteer with a charity or a group? I find older people so easy to talk to , would that be an option as a first step to get used to socialising and interacting with people... and the knock on with that is you will be meeting other volunteers your own age.

Holidays again a singles holiday or on your own. This is a must do. Once you do it once that will be it. So the first step there is organise a passport.

Don't second guess yourself or listen to that little voice in your head that anaylises everything - learn to shut it off.

I quite like self help books (some are sh1te) but they can be inspiring and give you a get up and go. Also talking to a good counsellor can help.

Do you think you have anxiety in social situations?

And as for the facebook, id be deactivating the account, its not a source of happiness and only reminds you of the amount of friends you don't have. I only have a few facebook friends but thats because i, like lots of other people, only am connected to proper friends, so for the time being i wouldn't be bothered with it.

julyjane

Would you consider joining something like the Toastmasters? I agree with the above what about some kind of volunteering, look up volunteer Ireland online for opportunities and see if anything interests you. You don't like your job, if nothing else volunteering might open a door to another one.

eet fuk

Do some charity work.
Ask your local priest if there is anyone who needs a hand with daily chores such as shopping or tending to their garden.
It may give you the required humility to focus your thinking away from yourself.

dellas1979

Reactor wrote: »

I just cannot understand it.

Very interesting why you cant understand it.

You are only 32. You do realise you could change all this, if you really wanted to. At the moment tho, you are stuck in the "excuses" section. And you are the only one who can change your mind set. Its your brain and behaviour and your life.

I cant do this because of X. I cant do Y because why would I. I could never do z because of F. Pick a statement. You've used them all.

I think it would be pretty darn exciting at 32 to have all these opportunities!

OP. You walk into a room and say "hello", and then nothing, I suggest you try and make an effort. If you need guidance on how to have a conversation (am being serious, there is actually an art to having a conversation that you can learn-google "conversation cycle").

Are you going to look back at 64 and think "I should have changed things at 32?".

Edit: There are posters providing very good solutions to your problems. But they are going to fall flat (and you can use excuse after excuse) on you until you realise its actually yourself holding yourself back.

Kai123

We are almost identical Reactor. No pub, no real friends outside of work, no-one to relate too. The most exciting think i did in the last 3 months was go to Tesco rather then Dunnes last week.

I struggle with it, but wonder if its because its what I need to do, or what is expected of me to do. We might be very different in how we come to terms with it in the end.

I'd recommend volunteering though, you really cant go wrong and you will meet interesting people.

intheclouds

So after you greet someone and silence falls, do you ever follow up with a bit of "How was your weekend" or "Seen any good films lately" or "I saw this funny video in YouTube". Because if you're saying nothing then they're thinking you don't want to talk. It becomes a pattern then. You have to talk TO people. Not wait to be talked to.

No girls by 32 is nothing tbh, I know older lads who eventually got their heads together and learned how to speak and they met girls then.

magicmushroom

You're earning €30k which isn't a bad salary, you never go anywhere so I'm assuming you have a fair bit of savings?

My advice would be to book onto a sols holiday - it's not a club 18-30 type thing, it's just for people travelling alone.

Look at the travel department or exodus, they're all packages so all you have to do is pay and turn up. No planning.
I am looking into one called 'Walking the Amalfi Coast' - because my boyfriend would have zero interest so I said F it, I'll go away by myself!

You will be in a group for the whole week, you might not get talking to them much but it's still company and it's a whole new experience away from your sofa!

it might bring you a new confidence which in turn, may lead to making friends.

LegacyUser

OP as others have said you have to make an effort now or another 10 years will have gone past and you'll still be saying the same things but feeling a lot more hopeless.

I find it really hard to talk to other people and often find conversations stall when other people seem to effortlessly chat away, however I still go out & make myself get into these situations and sometimes you do just click with somebody.

Also if you have no hobbies or interests you will have nothing to talk about, so you need to get out there & do something. I know that the Meetups scenarios can seem daunting but
even if you only started by going to the cinema on your own to see the latest new releases, that's something to talk about in work and that might lead to other conversations. If you feel driving is not for you and you are living in the city, why don't you get a bike and start cycling around. If you enjoy it, this might lead to joining a cycling club.

If you really can't motivate yourself to do any of the many suggestions here, then perhaps you might need to see a counsellor/doctor as you might be a bit depressed?

Best of luck - please take up some of the suggestions given to you here. I was kind of similar to yourself in my 30's but I made a conscious effort about 5 years ago to get out and do something about it before I wasted my whole life. I am a lot happier in myself now and am so glad I forced myself out of my rut.

Reactor

Travel Department looks like a good site thanks. Going to one of them wont fix the rot though, Im rapidly approaching the point where Ill be a 40 year old virgin with no career renting a little room in a shared house full of foreigners and that will be that, wages pile up in my account because I only use about 20% of what I earn but it'll never enough to actually do anything with it, 70k of savings and a 30k a year job is absolutely no different to being on the dole lifestyle-wise, at least people on the dole seem to have friends and socialize aswell and can do courses etc to get out of their ruts.

intheclouds

Reactor wrote: »

Travel Department looks like a good site thanks. Going to one of them wont fix the rot though, Im rapidly approaching the point where Ill be a 40 year old virgin with no career renting a little room in a shared house full of foreigners and that will be that, wages pile up in my account because I only use about 20% of what I earn but it'll never enough to actually do anything with it, 70k of savings and a 30k a year job is absolutely no different to being on the dole lifestyle-wise, at least people on the dole seem to have friends and socialize aswell and can do courses etc to get out of their ruts.

What do you think the answer is?

baby and crumble

Reactor wrote: »

Im rapidly approaching the point where Ill be a 40 year old virgin with no career renting a little room in a shared house full of foreigners and that will be that, wages pile up in my account because I only use about 20% of what I earn but it'll never enough to actually do anything with it, 70k of savings and a 30k a year job is absolutely no different to being on the dole lifestyle-wise, at least people on the dole seem to have friends and socialize aswell and can do courses etc to get out of their ruts.

I hate to have to say this, but yo need to cop on.

You're really feeling sorry for yourself, I get that, life's pretty ****ty sometimes, but come on, man. In no way can having €70,000 in savings and a decent job be compared to living on the dole. As someone who lived on the dole, I can tell you for a fact it isn't close.

There is literally NOTHING stopping you

1) going on a holiday
2) joining a meetup group around an interest
3) taking an evening class

or any other of the myriad things people have suggested. Actually, there is one thing stopping you- yourself. You refuse to believe that your life can change, and it won't unless YOU change it. Coming here and moaning about it won't change it.

pgj2015

Reactor wrote: »

Travel Department looks like a good site thanks. Going to one of them wont fix the rot though, Im rapidly approaching the point where Ill be a 40 year old virgin with no career renting a little room in a shared house full of foreigners and that will be that, wages pile up in my account because I only use about 20% of what I earn but it'll never enough to actually do anything with it, 70k of savings and a 30k a year job is absolutely no different to being on the dole lifestyle-wise, at least people on the dole seem to have friends and socialize aswell and can do courses etc to get out of their ruts.

you are no where near 40
you don't have to live with foreigners
you can't do anything with 70k? can you not do a night course?

Emme

intheclouds wrote: »

What do you think the answer is?

A metaphorical kick in the ass?

Seriously start small. For example join a bootcamp class or a gym. If you can't do that start running. Couch to 5K then 10K and so on. Before you know it you have a new hobby and will be making friends through that hobby.

Would 70K savings go towards putting you on the property ladder? Then you could rent rooms out to all sorts of interesting foreigners!

jimgoose

Reactor wrote: »

Travel Department looks like a good site thanks. Going to one of them wont fix the rot though, Im rapidly approaching the point where Ill be a 40 year old virgin with no career renting a little room in a shared house full of foreigners and that will be that, wages pile up in my account because I only use about 20% of what I earn but it'll never enough to actually do anything with it, 70k of savings and a 30k a year job is absolutely no different to being on the dole lifestyle-wise, at least people on the dole seem to have friends and socialize aswell and can do courses etc to get out of their ruts.

In the immortal words of Ferris Bueller: You're not dying, Cameron - you just can't think of anything good to do.

This happens. You seem to have got yourself into a rut of following a humdrum routine, thus you haven't much to talk about, thus you think you aren't interesting, thus other people suspect you mightn't be interesting, thus feeding back into a vicious circle.

You're young, healthy, (relatively) wealthy, employed and employable, and there is no reason why you shouldn't have loads of mates, girlfriends and fun. Go out and grab the world by the throat. Get that driving license - I see you're still about that. Learn Tai Chi. Go for early-morning runs. Pop into the local for a quart of ale and a read of the paper. Get interested in local politics, aeronautical engineering or the plight of Guatemalan wildlife. And so on. See what I'm at?

Best of luck.

Sunny Disposition

It's a pity things aren't going well for you OP.
I really feel you could do with some counselling, there are obviously reasons why you're not interacting with people well and you should be able to do fsomething about it with some help.

Reactor

Whats the magic holiday or night course that will make people reply when I try to talk to them though? Like at Christmas I was down in Galway and my father is a farmer in the IFA so we had to go out filling sandbags in flooded parts of Clare, nobody said anything to me, there was 30 people building a barrier around a house, everybody talking to each other, and nobody said anything past hello to me, not even the people who's house we were protecting. This goes way beyond the normal advice to do a night course or go on a hiking group in the mountains because thats exactly what will happen in those groups aswell...

intheclouds

Reactor wrote: »

Whats the magic holiday or night course that will make people reply when I try to talk to them though? Like at Christmas I was down in Galway and my father is a farmer in the IFA so we had to go out filling sandbags in flooded parts of Clare, nobody said anything to me, there was 30 people building a barrier around a house, everybody talking to each other, and nobody said anything past hello to me, not even the people who's house we were protecting. This goes way beyond the normal advice to do a night course or go on a hiking group in the mountains because thats exactly what will happen in those groups aswell...

Describe exactly what happens when you try to strike up conversation with someone.

Be honest about it.

You see a person and they say hello then you say hello or you say it first and they reply. What happens next?

freshpopcorn

Do you try and talk to people tough?
Do you go up them and actually ask them questions or do you just sort of say Hi and carry on?

Reactor

I wouldnt go up to someone and just start talking to them, nobody does that outside of films, Ive had lots of different jobs so I see how conversations start between people even when they've just met, theres always some sort of icebreaker but even when you have the perfect ice breaker like the internet being down at work or something I just get one word replies and then the conversation is dead. Nobody has ever come up to me and started talking to me, not once ever in 32 years, this is what I mean when I say this goes beyonf the usual anti-social threads.

Typer Monkey

But are you saying anything past 'hello' to them? Do you follow up with a question for them or are you just saying 'hello' and expecting the other person to continue the conversation?

jimgoose

Reactor wrote: »

I wouldnt go up to someone and just start talking to them, nobody does that outside of films, Ive had lots of different jobs so I see how conversations start between people even when they've just met, theres always some sort of icebreaker but even when you have the perfect ice breaker like the internet being down at work or something I just get one word replies and then the conversation is dead. Nobody has ever come up to me and started talking to me, not once ever in 32 years, this is what I mean when I say this goes beyonf the usual anti-social threads.

Everybody just "goes up" to someone and starts talking to them. These old hessian sandbags are the job, even if they weigh a ton when they get wet. That's sort of what they're supposed to do, though, isn't it? There you are. Plastic ones completely miss the point, and it's a waste anyway. What about the poor little Range Rovers, wha'?? Hur-de-hur! Did you know that most of the hideously expensive dinosaur juice we're all killing each other for goes into cheap toys and Ikea chairs? Hah! Anyway, time for lunch. Can't hang around here talking ballacks with ye all day...

See?

It occurs to me that instead of handling the occasional monobrowed and monosyllabic conversation sink gracefully and seamlessly moving on, you allow yourself to get buried to both axles with him/her, leading to pure awkwardness. Just jog on, screw 'em.

intheclouds

Reactor wrote: »

I wouldnt go up to someone and just start talking to them, nobody does that outside of films, Ive had lots of different jobs so I see how conversations start between people even when they've just met, theres always some sort of icebreaker but even when you have the perfect ice breaker like the internet being down at work or something I just get one word replies and then the conversation is dead. Nobody has ever come up to me and started talking to me, not once ever in 32 years, this is what I mean when I say this goes beyonf the usual anti-social threads.

Do you say anything after a one word reply?

You are making out as though no one speaks to you but it sounds like you are not speaking either.

Can you please describe a typical interaction that you might have with someone. You both say hello - then what happens?

btw - I always go up to people and just start talking to them. Ive no idea what you mean by that just happens in films. In work I go to make tea and if someone else is there I say "There ye are now, how are ye getting on?" and they might say "oh grand", small silence. If they dont say anything else Ill say something else. It could be anything else, about the weather, tv, a hobby I have or know they have, their car, my car, whatever......

Unfortunately in work if you have built up the persona of never speaking to anyone then they will have reached the point where they just dont bother trying to strike up conversation with you now by default. So its up to you if you want a conversation to happen.

kylith

Reactor wrote: »

Whats the magic holiday or night course that will make people reply when I try to talk to them though? Like at Christmas I was down in Galway and my father is a farmer in the IFA so we had to go out filling sandbags in flooded parts of Clare, nobody said anything to me, there was 30 people building a barrier around a house, everybody talking to each other, and nobody said anything past hello to me, not even the people who's house we were protecting. This goes way beyond the normal advice to do a night course or go on a hiking group in the mountains because thats exactly what will happen in those groups aswell...

What did you say to them? Did you ask how they were coping? What their plans for the future were? Or did you just expect them to start a conversation?

Holidays won't 'make' people talk to you either, but they give you something to talk about with people; where you went, where they went, where you/they would like to go in future. Thus one gains a reputation for being friendly and people are more inclined to chat in future.

I have learned over the years that, generally, if you don't talk to people they won't talk to you. Ask open questions instead of yes/no questions or making statements. Ask what they did at the weekend, and ask follow up questions based I their answers. Make an effort to do things so you can reply to their questions about what you get up to.

Though if I were you I'd be tempted to do a bit of transformative travel. Take some that whopping nest-egg and bog off to Australia for a year, practise your social skills on transient strangers, and by the time you come home and get a new job you could be like a new person.

freshpopcorn

Reactor wrote: »

I wouldnt go up to someone and just start talking to them, nobody does that outside of films, Ive had lots of different jobs so I see how conversations start between people even when they've just met, theres always some sort of icebreaker but even when you have the perfect ice breaker like the internet being down at work or something I just get one word replies and then the conversation is dead. Nobody has ever come up to me and started talking to me, not once ever in 32 years, this is what I mean when I say this goes beyonf the usual anti-social threads.

You were in Galway in a flooded area and you were filling sandbags.
What could you've talked about.
Flooding.
Christmas.
Government.
Poor planning.
People's Christmas/Santander being ruined.
How farmers were going to cope.
When you finished up for work for Christmas.
The IFA secretary wages.

anothernight

[I'm gonna be harsh because I honestly think you need it]

Your attitude sucks. Look at all the things you've written in this thread. Look at this post:

Reactor wrote: »

Travel Department looks like a good site thanks. Going to one of them wont fix the rot though, Im rapidly approaching the point where Ill be a 40 year old virgin with no career renting a little room in a shared house full of foreigners and that will be that, wages pile up in my account because I only use about 20% of what I earn but it'll never enough to actually do anything with it, 70k of savings and a 30k a year job is absolutely no different to being on the dole lifestyle-wise, at least people on the dole seem to have friends and socialize aswell and can do courses etc to get out of their ruts.

Only one sentence is positive. The rest of the post is self-defeating negativity. It's extremely off-putting online, and I can't imagine wanting to talk to someone with that attitude irl. No one wants to make friends with toxic people.


What can you do about it? Go out and do something positive, do something nice that will make other people happy. It's not magic that will make people reply when you say hello to them, but a change of attitude. You know the way people lacking self-confidence usually find it hard to get laid? You have a similar problem, but what you're lacking is positivity. Thankfully that's an easier problem to solve.

You said you've spent seven years watching tv and browsing the internet after work, never doing anything else. Why not take an evening a week to volunteer? There's no pressure in it: if you don't like it you can do something else, and it will at least get you out of the house. Find something where talking to people is part of the deal. Volunteer in a charity shop, or a soup kitchen, or an animal shelter. Seeing that your work is helping, even a small bit, might bring some positivity to your life. And if you pick something where you must talk to people, you'll slowly develop your social skills too.


You complain that you don't even have a hobby. What's stopping you from doing something about it? You have enough saved up money to pursue most things. Join a dance class. Judo. Guitar lessons. If you're not quite ready yet to put yourself out there, try something you can do at home which keeps you away from the tv and the internet. Get into woodwork, or knitting, or making plane models. Anything at all. You'll feel good when you see your work and progress, and it will bring you a bit of positivity. Hopefully it will also give you better topics of conversation than IT problems!

Does anything at all make you happy?

You need to change your attitude. You've got many suggestions in this thread, all of which would help you in some way. Stop questioning how they would help, because you clearly can't see that until you stop being so negative. You certainly won't improve anything by continuing with the same routine and feeling sorry for yourself.

It will take effort, but if you try some of the suggestions you can kickstart the change that you need to improve your life.

Dee01

From your replies, your attitude is the issue. I really think you need to go to a behavioural specialist or some sort of therapist who specialises in relationships. Sometimes you need an outsiders perspective on these things. You're not taking any advice from this thread, maybe you would of it was face face with someone.

Also, €70,000 savings at 32 when you have worked for years, sounds like you may have something you are spending money on.

Reactor

Going to meetups or approaching random people for conversation will not work, it just wont, people do not reply to me, Ive tried it many times, for example at home people would rather stand in silence while their food cooks than talk to me while Im making mine, this is people Ive just met so would not know me, even if I save up 5 different things to ask them about. I dont know what a psychiatrist would say either that I dont know myself. The only thing I could try is prozac or whatever the modern equivalent is but they all have side effects.