Marraige in tatters

Marraige

Hi everyone. I don't know where to start. I'm balling my eyes out as I'm writing this.

My wife suffers from depression, always moody anything at and she's moody with me for days on end. She always saying I don't care or take her side.

We have been together for 7.5yrs married for just over two years at this stage.

I'm self employed and have put in a very hard 5 years worth of up and downs work wise to get a stage where it went really well for me last year.

The biggest problem is I can not get her to agree to get a job at all. No even one while our daughter (who is not biologically mine) refuses to even do that.

If I don't have work it means there's no money and I get blamed for there being no money. She then just goes to her sister looking for a lend. It's so embarrassing when she does that rather than say we'll look I need to get a job for moments like this.

Her family have also told she need to get a job that it's unfair to expect me to pay for everything, a car, a van, insurances, the bills, food etc.

I have recently been working away in England for the guts of three months and will be going again I'm February for just under two months.

While I was in England I paid for her to come to me twice. The second time I bought our daughter over as well and got us a family room in a hotel as well.

My wife spent all day on the Sunday being moody because we walked for ages, I then bought her and our daughter to another town where there was shopping centres etc. at a cost of £24. We weren't there an hr before she took into a mood again because of walking around and demanded we go back to the hotel and get changed and go up to the pub for dinner.

I spent all that day feeling so upset over it all.

Anyhow I'm now told that I either accept that she is moody because she is a woman, will be on depression tablets for the rest of her life and she doesn't know if she will ever have a job and if I can't accept that the Marraige is over.

I'm so lost as to what to do. I can't spend the rest my life miserable over all this.

woodchuck

What is her reason for not working? Is it due to her depression? Has she ever actually tried to hold down a job?

Marraige

woodchuck wrote: »

What is her reason for not working? Is it due to her depression? Has she ever actually tried to hold down a job?

Every excuse under the sun is a reason she's not working. From no one to mind our daughter even tho my mother or brother would mind her for us, no one to look after the dog during the day, not being able to take orders from anyone, being afraid to work, the cost of fuel, cost of childminding etc. Etc. She does use her depression as well

Every excuse you can think of iv heard it.

She had a job in Tesco before she had her daughter and then fell pregnant and left that. She has done the Avon and FM cosmetics thing as well but all she ever did was try sell stuff to her mother, my mother and her sister.

She used to get endless catalogues to hand out for sales but she never went anywhere with them. They always ended up in the bins

Marraige

She cleans the house, makes dinner etc. But after that she spends all day and night on the laptop watching movies, tv programmes etc. on streaming site.

If that was a job she would be absolutely minted.

I'd love her to get a job so she has some financial independence, make friends, get her out of the house for a while etc.

I really feel that would help with her depression. She has even completely stopped calling into my mother for even a cup of tea. The only place she goes is to her sisters house and to town to do the food shopping

PucaMama

Have you tried understanding her depression? It has never been cured by having a job.

Marraige

PucaMama wrote: »

Have you tried understanding her depression? It has never been cured by having a job.

I have tried to. I bought her to the doctor when she first started getting depressed, I also went with her while she getting some counselling after being to the doctor about it. She says it's never going to go away.

The only day she has been happy since Xmas Eve was Xmas day. I can't seem to help her feel less depressed no matter what I do I'm wrong.

I didn't think working would solve her depression altogether but surely it could help out?

intheclouds

I don't think depression is any excuse for not working. Millions of people who suffer from depression work. Has she been diagnosed and is she in the care of a mental health professional?

It sounds to me like she is just taking you for a mug. If a woman posted here saying a man refused to work everyone would tell her to leave him. What are you actually getting out of the marriage other than bring worked to bits and spoken to moodily?

eviltwin

Is it just depression or is anxiety an issue as well? I can see why someone with depression wouldn't want to work, it totally affects how you see yourself and how you imagine other people see you. It's not permanent though and she can overcome it but she needs intervention. What treatments is she getting?

LegacyUser

Hi Op,

I have depression. Its been serious enough for two suicide attempts. One in my teens and another my 20s. I lost a job to it and my children for a few months (to my parents, voluntarily) to deal with it. Thankfully never institutionalized and off the meds now but its been a long, hard struggle from my teens.

Never at any point have I said I'll become a hermit the rest of my life even though I've had periods of serious agoraphobia that prevented me from working due to anxiety. I have always known isolation will lead to my children losing me. Its a slippery slope when its just you and your thoughts and some social contact, even if its just once a week is important.

Your wife's problem isn't the depression. Its something else. I don't know what, but therapy will really help. Maybe not for the depression, but perhaps there are deeper issues of self esteem and confidence at play. I have an in-law that refused to go back to work many years ago, even with the family seriously struggling and the resultant resentment from the family is not nice. There is depression. There are serious social fears and there is laziness. Sometimes they are all present.

I know that love can only go so far in a marriage though and would never ask my spouse to carry me, an able bodied person indefinitely although I'd expect them to bear with me in my dark times. Your wife needs real help. What you describe is so unhealthy. From my own experience she may have issues other than being depressed

Marraige

intheclouds wrote: »

I don't think depression is any excuse for not working. Millions of people who suffer from depression work. Has she been diagnosed and is she in the care of a mental health professional?

It sounds to me like she is just taking you for a mug. If a woman posted here saying a man refused to work everyone would tell her to leave him. What are you actually getting out of the marriage other than bring worked to bits and spoken to moodily?

She is currently on anti depression tablets for her depression. No she's not in the care of a mental health professional.

I get a lot out out marriage when she is in a good mood. Sex is always great. We are able to really turn each other on.

I have worded 7 days a week or as much as I can so I can provide for my family. I spent a year driving up and down to Dublin for work. 2.5 hours driving each way. Up at 5 in the morning and not home until 8 or 9 in the evening. I was always wrecked tired. Come home eat dinner and I would be asleep on the couch a half hour later and I was being accused of not caring or spending time with her even tho she admitted I was tired.

I don't mind giving her money but when I ask what it's for I get ate alive that I'm controlling her life by asking what she needs it for.

When I was I England I always transferred her money and she would ask for more during the week etc. And I would just simply ask what it was for. Nothing malicious just always wondering.

She gets fags during the week and a bottle or two of wine as well.

Marraige

eviltwin wrote: »

Is it just depression or is anxiety an issue as well? I can see why someone with depression wouldn't want to work, it totally affects how you see yourself and how you imagine other people see you. It's not permanent though and she can overcome it but she needs intervention. What treatments is she getting?

She is only on anti depression tablets. No other treatments for it. I'm always telling her how beautiful she is and good she is to be around when she's in a good mood. She doesn't think she looks nice a lot of the time even tho she does.

Sure most of the time I have a hard time keeping my hands off her.

The complete lack of wanting to work or do anything to have some kind of life outside the house is so hard to understand with all the excuses.

She says there's no job at all there and there is also none she wants to do. She always wanted to childcare. She was doing level 5 fetac in it and decided to drop out half way through it because of her depression.

I supported her with that decision. I loved when she was on it. She always seemed to be in a good mood while she was on it. Came home everyday full of chat and stories had friends in the course and I also helped her to do assignments if she needed a bit of help with the computer stuff etc.

Augme

It sounds like she has been babied for far too long. Like a misbehaving child, you need to put in steps to get them back on track and you need to discipline them. I don't think your wife is any different. Anytime your wife wants to get her way she just needs to throw a tantrum and you'll back down. That's not healthy at all. You need to put your foot down and stop allowing yourself to be pushed around.

I'd recommend going to marriage counselling. And I'd make this an ultimatum that if she doesn't go then you'll leave. You need to have the balls to follow through with this. So far you've been far too easily pushed around.

topmanamillion

I think you've been very understanding. You've looked after her financially for a number of years and you've cared for your non biological daughter as if she's your own. There's no one can do anything but commend you for that.

It's already been asked but I'd be very interested to know is she under the care of a mental health professional. Just taking medication "for the rest of her life" as a sole treatment is taking the easy way out. There's all kinds of counselling, therapies, coping strategies which can help if they are given a chnace. As you rightly say work can be very therapeutic and it is actually a recognised therapy in treating mental illness, known as occupational therapy.

While depression can be an ongoing illness it's important to learn to live with it and there is no reason your wife can not lead a fulfilling life.

I think you need to talk to her about your concerns. Either sit her down or write a letter. Tell her exactly how you feel and that you fear for your marriage. You are prepared to support her as long as you see she is making a serious effort to improve her mental health and your marriage but you are unable to be the sole provider both financially and emotionally.

eviltwin

Has something happened to trigger her depression?

Colser

Was she like this before you got married?

con___manx1

I think you should really talk to professional about depression and anxiety issues. Just so you can totally understand what your wife is going through.
A lot of people think that people who are depressed are sad.
This is true to a degree but the feeling someone who is depressed has is usually just an empty feeling. They don't feel happy or sad they just feel nothing and are numb to the world around them.

intheclouds

Marraige wrote: »

She is currently on anti depression tablets for her depression. No she's not in the care of a mental health professional.

The pills clearly aren't working. You should be encouraging, insisting even, that she gets much more comprehensive medical intervention. She isn't living at all, only leaving the house to food shop and see her sister? She needs proper professional help, not just some pills.

Good sexual chemistry isn't going to save a marriage that's suffering the other problems.

bluetomato

Hi, i'm sorry to hear this, it's a very frustrating position for you to be in. For your wife to say she's going to be on anti depression tablets for the rest of her life is a terrible thing for anyone to face their future with.

It's time for her to start being proactive here as we do need to take responsibility for our mental health even if there are issues that are outside of our control.

Having suffered from depression myself I know that there are moments of clarity and optimism and those are the moments you need to seize to make positive changes in your life. You can't just say i'm depressed and therefore there's nothing I can do about it and i'm going to be like this for life. Of course there are times when there is really genuinely nothing you can do about it and i'm not saying it's easy but seize the moments that you can make changes and do something.

As a wife and a mother but even as a human being herself she can't just accept that this is her life now forever. She has a duty to try to improve it for her child even if she doesn't want to for you or for herself.

As well as remaining on the medication she is on there are other things that people can do themselves to try to help their mental health. A healthy diet (limit sugar), regular exercise (even walking), mindfulness, small steps to get back into hobbies etc, certain vitamins are important, b vitamins, vitamin d3, magnesium.

She said to you to accept that she is moody and going to be on depression meds for the rest of her life or that the marriage is over.
What does she think is going to happen if the marriage is over? Who is going to support her? If she thinks things are going to remain the same with you supporting her then how does she think that you will manage to pay for 2 homes if the marriage ends if at the moment you sometimes struggle for money?

getaroom

Marraige wrote: »

She is only on anti depression tablets. .

If the tablets are not working, then she needs to go back to doctor and have them changed.

topmanamillion

getaroom wrote: »

If the tablets are not working, then she needs to go back to doctor and have them changed.

Massively short sighted.
The OPs wife needs to engage other treatments besides medication. Medication may artificially lift her mood but they will not solve the problems in her marriage which I would be surprised if she hasn't realised there are, they won't solve her social isolation or the lack of purpose and structure in her days.
If the OP could attend her doctor with his wife and express his concerns I think it would be very helpful. Ask about other treatments such as councillng, relaxation therapy and the possibility of his wife returning to work.

eviltwin

The pressure of having to get a job isn't helping either. I can empathise with the OP as its incredibly hard supporting a depressed spouse but the main thing should be to get her on the road to recovery. I agree with everyone above saying medication alone isn't going to be enough. She needs intervention and on going care besides that.

You have to get her back to her doctor and referred to a therapist or other mental health professional. You should also seek support for yourself, Aware run support groups for the family of a depression sufferer.

bluetomato

Also is she on contraception, some of those can cause people to be moody, i'm on Yasmin myself and I find it ultra calming. I was never a moody person but I just feel so calm and chilled on that pill.

The moodiness and depression are more than likely seperate issues. She can't just use the excuse that she is a woman for the moodiness. If she's really moody and it's not down to negative personality traits then it could be a hormone imbalance.

woodchuck

Before you broach the subject with her, I'd suggest looking at some of the practical issues in more detail yourself to make sure it's not a moot point. Do you have people that would genuinely be willing to take care of the child every day while you're both at work? If not, can you afford the cost of childcare? (sad as it is, sometimes it's more affordable for one parent not to work due to the astronomical cost of childcare in this country). If these issues can be addressed, then I think you need to have a serious conversation with her.

It's good that she's on medication, but it sounds like she could benefit from counselling as well. I completely understand that she's afraid to work. Even aside from the depression, the thoughts of going back to work must be really scary if she has been out of work for so long. Counselling might help her get to the root of and address her fears as well as work through the depression.

Marriage is meant to be a partnership and currently it sounds like you're making most of the effort. You need to let her know what effect this is having on you and your marriage. Don't give her an ultimatum, but let know it's a serious problem and that she needs to start being proactive, taking steps that will get her back to work (even if it's just starting with counselling). She has to at least TRY.

Dial Hard

topmanamillion wrote:

As you rightly say work can be very therapeutic and it is actually a recognised therapy in treating mental illness, known as occupational therapy.

That's not what occupational therapy is.

OP, while not doubting for a second that your wife genuinely suffers from depression, it definitely sounds like she's grown very used to using it as a catch-all excuse to cover everything she doesn't want to do. How old is her daughter?

If her meds aren't working then she needs to get either the type or dosage changed, first of all. Then she needs to start counselling or therapy in conjunction with the meds. Meds on their own are really just a sticking plaster.

getaroom

topmanamillion wrote: »

Massively short sighted.

Speaking from personal experience and having switched from celxia, prozac, and cymbalta, not every tablet suits everyone. They can also take up to 6 weeks to kick in. I would never have considered outside intervention before the tablets started to work. I couldn't even answer the phone.

Dial Hard wrote: »

That's not what occupational therapy is.

If her meds aren't working then she needs to get either the type or dosage changed, first of all. Then she needs to start counselling or therapy in conjunction with the meds. Meds on their own are really just a sticking plaster.

Id settle for a sticking plaster.

topmanamillion

Dial Hard wrote: »

That's not what occupational therapy is.

OP, while not doubting for a second that your wife genuinely suffers from depression, it definitely sounds like she's grown very used to using it as a catch-all excuse to cover everything she doesn't want to do. How old is her daughter?

If her meds aren't working then she needs to get either the type or dosage changed, first of all. Then she needs to start counselling or therapy in conjunction with the meds. Meds on their own are really just a sticking plaster.

My comment was simplistic but having an occupation can be therapeutic that was my point and that's the basic principal of OT.
"Occupational therapy is a client centred health profession concerned with promoting health and well being through occupation. The primary goal of occupational therapy is to enable people to participate in the activities of everyday life."

njs030

topmanamillion wrote: »

My comment was simplistic but having an occupation can be therapeutic that was my point and that's the basic principal of OT.
"Occupational therapy is a client centred health profession concerned with promoting health and well being through occupation. The primary goal of occupational therapy is to enable people to participate in the activities of everyday life."

It means occupation as in something to do not necessarily work, it can be painting or visiting others or whatever the patient needs at that time. It's a very complex job hence the 4 year degree to become an ot!

Op depression is a serious thing so I would suggest forgetting about the job and getting her depression sorted out first. I haven't had to deal with serious depression myself before but JK Rowling's description of the dementors (which is based on her own depression) always stuck with me-
"Dementors are among the foulest creatures that walk this earth. They infest the darkest, filthiest places, they glory in decay and despair, they drain peace, hope, and happiness out of the air around them.... Get too near a Dementor and every good feeling, every happy memory will be sucked out of you."

I agree with posters suggestion you accompany her to the gp and give more details about life with her, a young woman shouldn't be living like that.

bluetomato

notjustsweet wrote: »

Op depression is a serious thing so I would suggest forgetting about the job and getting her depression sorted out first. .

I agree with this, right now she's not going to get a job and i'd personally be more concerned about her treatment of you, moodiness for days and sulking when things don't go her own way.
If you approach things from the point of view of getting a job then by the sounds of things she's going to be less likely to actually want to put effort into helping herself because she sounds pretty defiant about it!

Marraige

She is young. She's only 29. I always believed she would do the childcare but she has made no effort to since she dropped out half way through the fetac level 5 that was doing really well in.

She gets in a complete mood when I ask her wants the money for. I no she needs money for bills, food our daughter etc. But after. That I would ask what for.

Is there anything wrong with me asking her what she wants it for. I have never not given it to her. Mostly to stop her being moody with me to be honest

Marraige

eviltwin wrote: »

Has something happened to trigger her depression?

No nothing triggered it in particular. She felt down in the dumps and realised she needed to do something and I said I'd go to the doctors with her about and she agreed to go. That was a few years ago.

She went to councilling but she just decided to stop going

Marraige

bluetomato wrote: »

Also is she on contraception, some of those can cause people to be moody, i'm on Yasmin myself and I find it ultra calming. I was never a moody person but I just feel so calm and chilled on that pill.

The moodiness and depression are more than likely seperate issues. She can't just use the excuse that she is a woman for the moodiness. If she's really moody and it's not down to negative personality traits then it could be a hormone imbalance.

No she isn't on any contraception as we have been trying to have a child of our own. She was pregnant once and unfortunately had a miscarriage within the first few weeks of pregnancy

bluetomato

Marraige wrote: »

She gets in a complete mood when I ask her wants the money for. I no she needs money for bills, food our daughter etc. But after. That I would ask what for.

Is there anything wrong with me asking her what she wants it for. I have never not given it to her. Mostly to stop her being moody with me to be honest

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking tbh, I'm assuming by your posts that you're not a tyrant who wants every cent accounted for! and i'm guessing if she wanted money and you had none to give her because you'd spent it all she'd want to know what you had spent it on!

Marraige wrote: »

No she isn't on any contraception as we have been trying to have a child of our own. She was pregnant once and unfortunately had a miscarriage within the first few weeks of pregnancy

She might still have a hormone imbalance, it might be worth checking out, I'm not sure how to go about getting tested though.

Marraige

Dial Hard wrote: »

That's not what occupational therapy is.

OP, while not doubting for a second that your wife genuinely suffers from depression, it definitely sounds like she's grown very used to using it as a catch-all excuse to cover everything she doesn't want to do. How old is her daughter?

If her meds aren't working then she needs to get either the type or dosage changed, first of all. Then she needs to start counselling or therapy in conjunction with the meds. Meds on their own are really just a sticking plaster.

Our daughter just turned 10 last Wedneaday. I really lost the plot the day before her birthday. We went to get her a present (she already had her party before schools finished for Xmas).

I asked her to wake the wife up as it was almost 1 in the afternoon and no sign of her to get up either. She came down like a complete b***h to be honest.

We were on the way to town and she said we would get her a cd and I asked her if we could get it in Tesco. She said probably. So I asked its just Tesco were going to then? She started giving out she will go where ever I say and that she will stay in there how ever long I wanted. 5 times I asked her exactly where she wanted to go and she kept repeating that to me.

Anyhow we got the present our daughter picked a chocolate cake. Fast forward home daughter was carrying the cake in her hand and it slipped out her hand. Wife turns round and calls her a stupid bitch. I went a picked it up while she was still giving out half way into the kitchen door the dog was made trying to get into the hall and I started closing the door over with my back not realising my wife was behind it and she let a roar out that I was a **** to do that to her and refused to listen.

I got so so so annoyed after this going on since Xmas eve (Xmas day being the only good day) that I blew a fuse and threw my wedding ring onto the worktop.

I was so furious and upset that I couldn't think straight

Marraige

bluetomato wrote: »

I don't think there's anything wrong with asking tbh, I'm assuming by your posts that you're not a tyrant who wants every cent accounted for! and i'm guessing if she wanted money and you had none to give her because you'd spent it all she'd want to know what you had spent it on!


She might still have a hormone imbalance, it might be worth checking out, I'm not sure how to go about getting tested though.

Your dead right she would want to know what I spent it on. I had to buy some tools jus before I went to England for the work I was going to do and she gave out to me bout what a great life I have that I jus go buy them. I needed a new nail gun as mine packed in

LegacyUser

I think you are getting a tough time from some posters for not being understanding enough of her depression. Living with depression is difficult. That is also true for the person living with the person with depression. Just because your suffering isn't the same doesn't mean yours should be trivialised.

My husband suffers with depression and anxiety and it takes it's toll. He has a reason to be down, or not in the mood for something etc. I don't. And the pressure is on me to always be understanding, and in good form and just accept anything that he and his depression throws at me. If I'm ever upset, annoyed, having a bad day, it makes my husband even worse. Because in his words, he can't help it. He can't control it. He has a medical condition. I on the other hand should be able to control it. I don't understand. I don't care etc.

He is on meds but drinks very heavily. To the point where I suspect he is an alcoholic. The GP advised him not to drink, or at least cut down, has given him numerous names of counsellors to speak to. He refuses to do either. He takes the meds, as a sticking plaster as someone else suggested, but won't go beyond that. This has been going on for years.

So, like you OP, while I sympathise with him up to a point, it becomes increasingly difficult to be the one trying to hold everything together when the patient won't take the advice of their doctor. He likens his illness to cancer and says if he had cancer I'd be more sympathetic to him. I say if he had cancer and was going against all advice his doctors were giving him then no, I wouldn't be.

I understand life is very difficult for people who suffer with depression. But I think, OP, people often underestimate how difficult it is for the people who love them. Just because it's different doesn't make it any less important. Maybe you could contact Aware. They also provide support for family and friends of people living with depression. There's only so much you can do for her. She also has to want to help herself, and I understand in her position that's a monumental struggle. But you can look after yourself in this. Look after your own mental health. Because if you start to struggle, who's going to support you?

bluetomato

Marraige wrote: »

Anyhow we got the present our daughter picked a chocolate cake. Fast forward home daughter was carrying the cake in her hand and it slipped out her hand. Wife turns round and calls her a stupid bitch.

There's more to this than simply being moody and depression isn't causing her to call her daughter a stupid bitch. Often adults can treat their partners in a way they'd never treat other people, name calling, making them feel stupid and stuff like that and a lot of them are good people who are just unhappy or stressed for whatever reason and they take it out on their partners....but I think when you hear of someone calling their daughter a stupid bitch there is a lot more to it. She can't just say i'm a woman so i'm moody and expect to get away with that kind of behaviour.
I don't know how you're going to get through to her and make her want to change but she is making you feel awful, I feel for you.

Marraige

bluetomato wrote: »

She can't just say i'm a woman so i'm moody and expect to get away with that kind of behaviour.
I don't know how you're going to get through to her and make her want to change but she is making you feel awful, I feel for you.

Well that's exactly it. She is expecting I put up with it just because she's a woman. I have told her no that's no excuse that I know plenty of women who don't go round being moody just because they are a woman.

I do feel quiet down over it. Really really down.

I have been texting her this evening this evening as she was demanding to know what my decision is and I told her I didn't have one yet.

I have mentioned a few things that you guys have said here regards her needing treatment that I'm willing to go to the doctors to talk bout and explain to the doctor how it makes me feel as well.

She has kind of agreed to it but she doesn't see being moody so much is wrong. Iv told her it wrong it affecting me personally that it's also unfair to expect and depend on me completely finincially as well and she can't keep blaming me if there happened to be no money i had now work.

Iv told her she need professional help from a Counciller or therapist etc. And she says that's up to her. I said ya I can't drag her to one but she needs to.

She now wants to go to marriage conselling.

woodchuck

Marraige wrote: »

She now wants to go to marriage conselling.

Well that's a start at least.

I would never belittle mental health issues, but it seems there is a lot more to this than just her depression. Her blaming her nastiness and name calling on her being a women is quite frankly an insult to my gender!

Marraige

woodchuck wrote: »

Well that's a start at least.

I would never belittle mental health issues, but it seems there is a lot more to this than just her depression. Blaming nastiness and name calling on her being a women is quite frankly an insult to my gender!

I hope I didn't come across as blaming any of that on being a woman.

woodchuck

Marraige wrote: »

I hope I didn't come across as blaming any of that on being a woman.

No no, that's not what I meant. It sounds like your wife is saying that all women are as moody as she is, but that's just not true. She can't 'blame' her personality on her gender. She needs to take responsibility for her actions. (edited my other post so hopefully a bit clearer!)

Marraige

woodchuck wrote: »

No no, that's not what I meant. It sounds like your wife is saying that all women are as moody as she is, but that's just not true. She can't 'blame' her personality on her gender. She needs to take responsibility for her actions.

No all women are definitely not moody like my wife can be. I have told her this and it's not an excuse either to be using.

I have told her I will go to the doctors about it with her and she said ok and she wants to go to marriage conselling as well.

So guess that's some kind of start as well.

She wants to know am I going home tonight as well as she had thrown me out. All my clothes are currently in my van :-(

c montgomery

Hi OP

Do you love her?

Can you see yourself being happier without her?

Marraige

c montgomery wrote: »

Hi OP

Do you love her?

Can you see yourself being happier without her?

Ya I do love her. I just don't want to throw it all away.

To be honest I don't know if I work or wouldn't be happier without her

Colser

Marraige wrote: »

I hope I didn't come across as blaming any of that on being a woman.

Has she many friends OP? Is she close to her family? Im guessing that shes miserable in her life ( not referring to marriage) and may be lashing out at you and your daughter when in reality its everything else thats upsetting her.How did she manage financially before meeting you? Im asking because she sounds like someone who never had to really fend for herself.

Also Im guessing that shes good looking and this is clouding your judgement of her quite a bit,I could be off the mark here but you really are going over and above what is fair in the relationship and there must be some reason for this. No offense meant by that but thats the way its coming across to me.Also do your family like her?

Disregard all the questions if they seem ott .

R.D. aka MR.D

Something that seems to have been glossed over here is that you are trying for a baby.

Please dont bring a child into this world to grow up with a woman who will call them names. How is that fair?

Marraige

Colser wrote: »

Has she many friends OP? Is she close to her family? Im guessing that shes miserable in her life ( not referring to marriage) and may be lashing out at you and your daughter when in reality its everything else thats upsetting her.How did she manage financially before meeting you? Im asking because she sounds like someone who never had to really fend for herself.

Also Im guessing that shes good looking and this is clouding your judgement of her quite a bit,I could be off the mark here but you really are going over and above what is fair in the relationship and there must be some reason for this. No offense meant by that but thats the way its coming across to me.Also do your family like her?

Disregard all the questions if they seem ott .

She was on lone parents when I first met her.

She has one friend in her home town who she rarely sees. The friend doesn't drive but even we have been in milling at I have suggested she call into her and she wouldn't. She is quiet close to one of her sisters. She sees her almost every weekend and would go into town to do the food shopping with her.

She's reasonably close to her parents. She would call up to see them now and again. Not any where near as frequently as when we were going out for the first few years.

Usually using the cost of fuel as an excuse to why she can't go up to them.

She's not a model by any means. She does carry a bit of weight but I do find her very attractive.

My family do get on with her and they have have her for advise on various things in the last year when I wasn't around to help them out personally. But they also know her moods as well

Colser

Reading that reply OP I think that really shes upset because she doesnt have any close friend tbh.Id guess that she hasnt really got anyone to chat with or socialize with,girlie chats,coffee/drinks.cinema trips ect. On top of that shes probably seeing all the crap on facebook ect and feeling like shes stuck at home being wife and mammy and has lost out on a lot of her youth.

None of that excuses what shes doing to you btw but may explain it somewhat.Sometimes when you have no social circle you take it out on those closest to you and push them away also.

She knows you love her and thats why she can treat you like she does,what might work is a short sharp shock.If you stayed away and didnt go home it would actually wake her up to the fact that you cant go on like this and something needs to be done soon.

Ive no doubt that she is depressed but its more to do with her day to day life and probably can be helped with more counselling than medication.your child is the main concern in this tbh as shes living with it everyday.

Id look for outside help OP to get her to admit what the actual prob is and how to address it.You wont manage this on your own imo.

Marraige

Colser wrote: »

Reading that reply OP I think that really shes upset because she doesnt have any close friend tbh.Id guess that she hasnt really got anyone to chat with or socialize with,girlie chats,coffee/drinks.cinema trips ect. On top of that shes probably seeing all the crap on facebook ect and feeling like shes stuck at home being wife and mammy and has lost out on a lot of her youth.

None of that excuses what shes doing to you btw but may explain it somewhat.Sometimes when you have no social circle you take it out on those closest to you and push them away also.

She knows you love her and thats why she can treat you like she does,what might work is a short sharp shock.If you stayed away and didnt go home it would actually wake her up to the fact that you cant go on like this and something needs to be done soon.

Ive no doubt that she is depressed but its more to do with her day to day life and probably can be helped with more counselling than medication.your child is the main concern in this tbh as shes living with it everyday.

Id look for outside help OP to get her to admit what the actual prob is and how to address it.You wont manage this on your own imo.

Our child knows to leave her alone when she is in a mood. She will go to her Mammy and tell her she loves her and give her a hug and all that.

She doesn't bother with anyone in our area. She lived in a rough estate when I met her and when we both saw our daughter thro a fist full of stones copying what the other kids were at (she was just short of being 3) we both agreed we needed to take her out of that environment.

We went to visit my mother that afternoon and my wife was looking up houses from where I was originally from and asked would I live there. I was a bit shocked and said I would. We went to view a house that evening and she was in love with it. Only 18 houses in the estate and it's a very very quiet estate as well so we agreed to rent it and move into it.

Since then she has not tried to make friends with anyone in the town. To be honest I wouldn't really have many friends in the town. Most of my friends are in Roscommon or Athlone or towards Galway.

Rest of my friends are in oz and nz.

Iv suggested she join a local group or that to make friends and she doesn't want to. Meet that suggestion with a block wall

Jenneke87

Depression is a very complicated thing and when not treated properly, can upset ones whole live and the live of those around them. Depression can be as debilitating as any physical disease.

I have suffered with depression for years and even though it's under control now(and even then I still have days where all I can do is lie in bed and stare at the door because I feel so miserable) at the hight of it I was exhausted after getting dressed, getting groceries required herculan efforts(there was no one else to do it) I wouldn't shower for days on end, I slept most of the day, got take-aways because I didn't have the energy to cook and the house was a mess. Working? It would have been a disaster.

You're wife needs to see her GP to get proper help. Just giving her pills is not helping if it's not supplemented with anything else. Also, has she been out of work of long? What kind of jobs can she realistically apply for? Does she have a degree of any kind or will it be unschooled work, or low level jobs because she lacks a working history or education?

Depression can become a modus operandi. I know I blaimed a lot of things that went wrong on my depression because it had an effect on almost everything. It's like having this dark cloud in your mind and you can't see or feel past it, everything is tainted by it. It erodes any feeling of hope or self-esteem and "why would I even try?" I really hope that you and your wife can sort things out and I wish the both of you all the best.

Dial Hard

To be honest, OP, it's sounding more and more like your wife has just made terrible life choices, is unhappy because of them, taking that unhappiness out on everyone else by being a thundering wagon and then calling it depression so nobody can call her out on her behaviour.

None of that is in any way belittling depression, before any misinterprets my point and jumps in. I live with a family member who suffers from depression so I know exactly how hard it is.

But I honestly think that the OP is in an abusive relationship and if the genders were reversed, or if depression hadn't been mentioned, people would be telling him to get the hell out.

And just to reiterate what was said above, OP, I think bringing a baby into the current situation would be a huge mistake.

LegacyUser

It sounds like your wife is just a bitch, who also happens to suffer with depression. Some people are nasty people. Some of those nasty people suffer from illnesses. Just because you're wife has a diagnosed illness, doesn't exclude her from being not a very nice person.

It sounds like she feels the world owes her something. There are people who live their lives like that. Making bad choices, or finding themselves in less than ideal situations and blaming everyone and anyone around them for their problems. Now, if you are trapped in a cycle it can be difficult to break out of it. But with the will and support it is always possible. She has the support, I just don't think she has the will. From what you say she's never really gone too far in education. She's never had any sort of meaningful job. She's never been self-sufficient, always relying on others to help her out. This is now just a way of life for her. She doesn't know any different.

I think if you have somewhere to go for a few days then it is a good idea. Give her time to realise what her life would be like without you in it. I can guarantee, you could manage much better without her, than she could with you. You need to decide what you want for your life. Because carrying on as you are clearly isn't a long term option. Try to take her out of the picture for a minute. How do you want your life to be in 20 years time? Do you want to be happy? Whatever that entails? You can only control yourself. You can't make her want to be more proactive in her own life. That has to come from her. You can give her the space and time to figure things out for herself, but rarely does someone like your wife do a complete turnaround. She needs to change almost everything about her behaviour to make your relationship workable... How likely do you think that is to happen?