friend and money - normal or not..

sporina

I will try to keep this short and to the point.

I am friends with this lady - about 2 years. About 2 months ago, we were meeting for a coffee. When I got to the cafe bar, she had already ordered a beer then asked me for the loan of €2.50 to pay for it as she had no money on her - only a visa card. I said of course - and then got my own too.

Then very recently, we were meeting for coffee.. we got a table and she asked

" will i go up to order first or do you want to"?

As she was closest to the till, I said

"how about i give you my money and you order for us both as it takes them a while to serve".. (so i gave her the price of my coffee)

She replied with

"oh i wonder do they take visa - i have no money"

i replied

"i guess you can ask"

So she did - and they did take visa...

But then I noticed that she was strange with me - short - when she came back...

Do ye think this is odd? To meet someone for a beverage or what ever without money??

tomwaterford

Maybe she's just someone who doesn't carry cash....though you did well to nip in the bud her taking the piss with it though (anyone can make a mistake once)


Though with the no need to put in a pin for below e30 is a great job for people who don't like carrying cash....and all likelihood 90% of places will take visa now anyway

sporina

tomwaterford wrote: »

Maybe she's just someone who doesn't carry cash....though you did well to nip in the bud her taking the piss with it though (anyone can make a mistake once)


Though with the no need to put in a pin for below e30 is a great job for people who don't like carrying cash....and all likelihood 90% of places will take visa now anyway

thanks..

I don't carry much cash on me - but if i know I am going somewhere where i need money, i will have cash on me..
I tend to only use visa/laser for items over €20 or items I think I might return.

If I found myself in a situation like the aforementioned, I would be morto.. and I would be sure that it would not happen twice..

BettePorter

sporina wrote:

Do ye think this is odd? To meet someone for a beverage or what ever without money??

I think its more odd that you would know someone for two years and feel the need to start a thread for the sake of the price of a coffee. What age are you? Cause meeting for a coffee and each paying for your own is a little strange on both your behalfs tbh. She only tends to have card. Some ppl do. I'm sure had u not proferred your exact change she woulda just bought u a coffee I'm sure. She was probably acting strange cause you were being so anal. But then again it depends on your age I think.

eviltwin

BettePorter wrote: »

I think its more odd that you would know someone for two years and feel the need to start a thread for the sake of the price of a coffee. What age are you? Cause meeting for a coffee and each paying for your own is a little strange on both your behalfs tbh. She only tends to have card. Some ppl do. I'm sure had u not proferred your exact change she woulda just bought u a coffee I'm sure. She was probably acting strange cause you were being so anal. But then again it depends on your age I think.

It's nothing to do with age or even the value of the coffee. It's the principal. No one likes to be taken for a mug. If it happens once it's no big deal but when it starts to become a pattern those small amounts don't be long adding up.

tomwaterford

eviltwin wrote: »

It's nothing to do with age or even the value of the coffee. It's the principal. No one likes to be taken for a mug. If it happens once it's no big deal but when it starts to become a pattern those small amounts don't be long adding up.

It's not even the money!!!

It's paying your way

rainbowtrout

BettePorter wrote: »

I think its more odd that you would know someone for two years and feel the need to start a thread for the sake of the price of a coffee. What age are you? Cause meeting for a coffee and each paying for your own is a little strange on both your behalfs tbh. She only tends to have card. Some ppl do. I'm sure had u not proferred your exact change she woulda just bought u a coffee I'm sure. She was probably acting strange cause you were being so anal. But then again it depends on your age I think.

Don't see why you think this is strange. It could easily have turned into this friend always not having money on her every time they meet up to get the OP to pay. If the friend had wanted to pay for it she could have waved away the money and said 'I'll get these, you got them the last time'. This is what happens with me and my friends all the time.

It's not about the price of the coffee, it's the intention behind it. The first time the woman ordered her drink, knowing she had no money on her. Why did she order it then?

Sounds like the friend was hoping that the OP would go up and order first the second time they met and pull the same trick again, only this time she had to pay for her own.

mrsdewinter

sporina wrote: »

i don't know - thats what i thought strange..
When i got to the cafe bar i went to the loo first as i was a bit early - and met her on the way down from the loo - she said "meet you at the bar"..
When i came back she had ordered and then asked me for money as she had none.. but i do not know if she knew she had none or realised it after she had ordered - she didn't say - but she didn't look to put out either..

today she knew she had no money as she asked if they took visa before taking out her purse..

She sounds... scatty, to say the least. I think the best thing is to have enough money to hand to pay for your own share, and your share only. Between ATMs & cashback nobody need starve as long as they have a laser card.

sporina

BettePorter wrote: »

I think its more odd that you would know someone for two years and feel the need to start a thread for the sake of the price of a coffee. What age are you? Cause meeting for a coffee and each paying for your own is a little strange on both your behalfs tbh. She only tends to have card. Some ppl do. I'm sure had u not proferred your exact change she woulda just bought u a coffee I'm sure. She was probably acting strange cause you were being so anal. But then again it depends on your age I think.

we are both over 25 - so age is irrelevant i would think..
with all other friends, we always have the "no this is on me" argument about paying for coffee but with this friend, even when we go out, she prefers to pay for drinks separate..

So you think that I should have just bought both our coffee's??? You think that is ok? a 2nd time? She didn't offer to may for my coffee - though I did have the money on me..

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Don't see why you think this is strange. It could easily have turned into this friend always not having money on her every time they meet up to get the OP to pay. If the friend had wanted to pay for it she could have waved away the money and said 'I'll get these, you got them the last time'. This is what happens with me and my friends all the time.

It's not about the price of the coffee, it's the intention behind it. The first time the woman ordered her drink, knowing she had no money on her. Why did she order it then?

Sounds like the friend was hoping that the OP would go up and order first the second time they met and pull the same trick again, only this time she had to pay for her own.

the first time it happened, i met her on the way in but had to go to the loo so she said "meet you at the bar"
when i met her at the bar, she had already ordered - not sure if she realised she had no money after she ordered or already knew it..

today she knew she had no money as she asked about the visa before looking into her purse..

Dial Hard

I'm with BettePorter here. If it was behaviour along the "Stingiest things you've ever seen someone do" AH thread, fair enough, but two coffees? It's very strange, imo, to be keeping "score" of such inconsequential stuff in a friendship.

sporina

Dial Hard wrote: »

I'm with BettePorter here. If it was behaviour along the "Stingiest things you've ever seen someone do" AH thread, fair enough, but two coffees? It's very strange, imo, to be keeping "score" of such inconsequential stuff in a friendship.

there is more context to this but i just want to stick to what is relevant to me.. obviously its not just about two coffee dates..

as i said, she is the one who, when she has money, prefers to get our own beverages etc separate.. with all other mates,, its either an argument as to who gets to pay (coffee) or its the norm to do rounds (drinks on a night out)

R.D. aka MR.D

I think that the people saying that it's no big deal have never been taken for a mug by someone before or maybe they are the type to let a friend pay for everything without so much as asking.

I might have thought like that years ago but after having being taken advantage of by people like this I'm way more careful. It's starts slowly with crap like this, a coffee here, a beer there.

Okay, so it's 2 coffees. But it's the second time it's happened. Why should he/she have to pay for the others persons coffee? Paying for the privilege of her presence? What reason is there to pay?

Also, 'just a cup of coffee' is 'only' e3 or so. Not everybody is as privileged to have e3 to throw around like it's 'no big deal'.

Even if money isn't the issue then the problem is that social norms dictate that adults pay their way. Anything else and you're being scabby.

OP, do you actually like this women? If not, why bother?

BettePorter

R.D. aka MR.D wrote:

I think that the people saying that it's no big deal have never been taken for a mug by someone before or maybe they are the type to let a friend pay for everything without so much as asking.

On the contrary! Ive been burned to the tune of thousands ( pre euro days) so I know well what its like to lose friends over money. And I pay my own way and beyond when it comes to my share or anyone who needs it..... but thank you very much for indepth evaluation of my character.

Anyway the op has since given more context as to this friends history of swerving paying for anything beyond her own.

bloominballix

Unless she's living in the 80s or you're buying your coffee off a vendor on the street then the question "do they take visa" is redundant. As they all do, and seeing as she doesn't seem to carry cash around, she will already know the answer to this question.

She just sounds cheap, being honest.

PinkLemonade

A lot of places do 5e minimum charge.I'm a bit forgetful myself, I do get people back but with all my friends fighting to be generous and get their round in it easier said than done sometimes. So far you've only gotten her one coffee, no biggie.

warpdrive

OP, are you male? Just wondering because if you're also female then it makes it even stranger. I'd understand a girl wanting/expecting a guy to pay, even if they're just friends, because then that'd just mean she's a self entitled girl and you should definitely either confront her about that or not bother contacting her anymore. I can't understand a girl wanting/expecting a close girl friend to pay since it's normally the opposite and girls like to cover it or take turns and pay their own way. Either way sounds like a user, it'll be interesting if she does the same a third time after you said that the second time she tried it

To remember paying for a cuppa of coffee for someone two months later strikes me as......strange.

LegacyUser

I don't know. We're only going by what you've said. You know her. I go out for coffee occasionally with different friends. Not everywhere takes laser, and sometimes there's a minimum spend. I very often have no cash in my wallet because I mostly use my card.

Sometimes I might pay, sometimes my friend might. Sometimes we pay for our own. I have no idea who I'm even with, who I'm scabbing a cup of tea off, and who's scabbing off me! Generally these things balance out. I don't keep track. I hope none of my friends feel like I'm using them. I don't feel used by any of them. And I'm certainly not flush!

As for her being short with you when she came back... Was she really? How did you leave it when you said good bye? Sometimes when we're looking for something, we find it. Even if it's not exactly there.

If this friend has a habit of dodging her round, or letting others pay for things for her, then be mindful of it in future. If she's a good friend other than that, just make sure you're not always getting caught paying for her. But not having cash, and wondering if somewhere takes visa isn't that unusual to be honest.

sporina

PinkLemonade wrote: »

A lot of places do 5e minimum charge.I'm a bit forgetful myself, I do get people back but with all my friends fighting to be generous and get their round in it easier said than done sometimes. So far you've only gotten her one coffee, no biggie.

TBH its the way it happened the first time.. we always buy own own coffee/drink as i have already explained.. but when i met her at the bar, she had ordered and then asked me for money.. and she did not bat an eye lid at it.. I thought it strange but paid for hers and mine no bother... its no biggie...

But then when it happened again the other day, I smelt a rat... and out of respect for myself, I paid for my own and let her check out the visa situation...
TBH I think it strange to meet a friend for coffee with only visa.. i'd understand it if was dinner..

I like this girl, that it why this is annoying me - i do not want to learn that she is being scabby..

However, the reason I am suspicious, is because I see how she treats men - and i do not like it - but the way I see it, is that unless it affects me, its none of my business.. as long as she treats me with respect then thats all that matters..

But if she is starting to treat me in the same way, then thats a different story..

PS we are both female..

Anyway I am starting to regret this thread - I am starting to feel bad - I am not a bad person - but I do not wanna be taken for a mug and I would be disappointed if she thought that little of me

dixiefly

sporina wrote: »

there is more context to this but i just want to stick to what is relevant to me.. obviously its not just about two coffee dates..

as i said, she is the one who, when she has money, prefers to get our own beverages etc separate.. with all other mates,, its either an argument as to who gets to pay (coffee) or its the norm to do rounds (drinks on a night out)

As some others have said her behaviour is a bit strange and it's not the total value that is the issue it's the principal.

In fact she should have insisted on paying for your coffee as you had paid previously.

LegacyUser

You've been friends for 2 years, and you have only mentioned 2 instances where she didn't have cash/questioned is visa was taken. I have often gone somewhere expecting there to be €20 in my wallet, only to realise it's gone! Or I've spent the day using my card for various purchases because I thought I hadn't cash, only to open the cash section later that day to find €20 in it!

There was 1 instance where she asked you for cash, and another instance where she asked if the place accepted cards, and she paid for her own. You're down €2.50 in 2 years. If you don't particularly like this person and how she treats others then maybe it's best to make your excuses next time she suggests meeting for coffee. Or better again, meet her and tell her you have no cash and would she mind getting yours. Then you're all even and quits.

sporina

LegoFriends wrote: »

You've been friends for 2 years, and you have only mentioned 2 instances where she didn't have cash/questioned is visa was taken. I have often gone somewhere expecting there to be €20 in my wallet, only to realise it's gone! Or I've spent the day using my card for various purchases because I thought I hadn't cash, only to open the cash section later that day to find €20 in it!

There was 1 instance where she asked you for cash, and another instance where she asked if the place accepted cards, and she paid for her own. You're down €2.50 in 2 years. If you don't particularly like this person and how she treats others then maybe it's best to make your excuses next time she suggests meeting for coffee. Or better again, meet her and tell her you have no cash and would she mind getting yours. Then you're all even and quits.

as I and others have said already, its not about the money; its about respect - and the principle..
and as I have also said, I like this girl - that it why I do not want to believe that she is what ever.. i am giving her benefit of doubt..
And as I have also said, I see how she treats men - and its not cool; on a gut instinct, it bothers me - but on a rational level, it is none of my biz and should not bother me unless she treats me in the same poor way that she treats them..
And it was the way she didn't react rather on the 1st occasion - when she had ordered and just asked me to pay for hers..
And none of my other mates buy drinks separate when its just me and a +1 on a night out - we kinda drink at the same pace and the same drink - not like i drink something extravagant

And actually now that you mention it, it has happened another time, we were getting a coffee to take away.. she realised at the counter that she had no cash but the guy behind the till told her there was a bank across the rd so she went and got money..

Maybe she is just one of these people who does not have cash on her but that does not mean it is ok to expect others to pay for her coffee's..

I mean, if she intends to pay for coffee/drinks, wouldn't you just get money rather than wondering if they take visa or having to run to a bank link in the middle of a purchase.. ?

Anyway I will give her benefit of doubt..

And thanks for the suggestion but I won't do the "i have no cash" line when we meet next - thats not my style..

kylith

If you think she might be starting to try scab off you just be mindful of it.

I'd be the same as most people; sometime I get the teas, sometimes my friend does, sometimes we get our own. What would be strange with your tale is that she expected you to pay and apparently didn't seem embarrassed to do so. In my own circle if I didn't have the money and my friend paid I'd make a point of returning the favour next time we went out.

CaraMay

She just sounds scatterbrained to me. So now it's once in 3 coffee meetings that youve had to pay for her? Maybe she was acting off because she could sense your judgement?

Whitewinged

You say that she is normally quite particular and pays for own drinks separate when you are out with other friends so it seems out of character for her to now expect you to pay. Could it be that she has paid for you in the past for something and you forgot to pay her back and this her way of getting the money back in a mildly passive aggressive way rather than asking out straight.

LegacyUser

And actually now that you mention it, it has happened another time, we were getting a coffee to take away.. she realised at the counter that she had no cash but the guy behind the till told her there was a bank across the rd so she went and got money..

Maybe she is just one of these people who does not have cash on her but that does not mean it is ok to expect others to pay for her coffee's..

You paid for her coffee (singular). On the other 2 occasions she either used her card and went across to the bank machine. It doesn't seem that she expects others to pay for her. She might expect men to, but that's her prerogative, and if they are happy to then that's their own business! Maybe she forgot she asked you that time 2 months ago. Like I said, I hardly ever have cash in my wallet. Sometimes I get stuck with a minimum transaction and sometimes I have to go find a bank machine. I don't think that makes me an awful person! And I'd hate to think that my friends might seek internet advice on how best to handle me.

MistyCheese

kylith wrote: »

What would be strange with your tale is that she expected you to pay and apparently didn't seem embarrassed to do so. In my own circle if I didn't have the money and my friend paid I'd make a point of returning the favour next time we went out.

I have to agree here, it seems she was expecting you to offer to pay for the coffees. You're under no obligation to and I think you did the right thing if you have a feeling she might be seeing if she can get away with not paying. It's not like you said 'why dont you get the coffees this time Melinda, and then you wont owe me for that beer I got you last time.'

I would also be insisting on buying both coffees if the other person had paid the previous time. Fair enough, maybe she is just scatty but of she paid for her own drink with her Visa she could have paid for OPs too.

sporina

Whitewinged wrote: »

You say that she is normally quite particular and pays for own drinks separate when you are out with other friends so it seems out of character for her to now expect you to pay. Could it be that she has paid for you in the past for something and you forgot to pay her back and this her way of getting the money back in a mildly passive aggressive way rather than asking out straight.

no when we are out just the two of us.. but she always pays for her own drinks when out..

no she has never paid for my coffee.. as far as i remember - i rem when we started meeting up she said "we get our own yeah" .. so we did..

anyway i will give her the benefit of doubt - i enjoy her company and she is nice..

anyway happy new year everyone..

endacl

eviltwin wrote: »

No one likes to be taken for a mug.

Absolutely. A cup, I wouldn't mind. Even a pot for two. A mug is a totally different story though.

Whitewinged

sporina wrote: »

no when we are out just the two of us.. but she always pays for her own drinks when out..

no she has never paid for my coffee.. as far as i remember - i rem when we started meeting up she said "we get our own yeah" .. so we did..

anyway i will give her the benefit of doubt - i enjoy her company and she is nice..

anyway happy new year everyone..

Yea don't be worrying about it or worry about posting. I think you nipped it in the bud anyway so id say nothing more will come of it. Paying can be awkward at times with friends. I have a friend who adamantly insists on paying but then I've heard her talk badly about other people who have allowed her to pay so I just always pay for myself with her but it still always ends up like a Mrs Doyle scene from Fr. Ted when we are settling the bill

Happy new year to you too

DaisyD2

sporina wrote: »

- i enjoy her company and she is nice..

Haha, I had to laugh OP, your original post could have been about my Aunt!

She was renowned for Always being "caught short" when a bill arrived. She never had enough on her so would get cagey or ask to "borrow" (never to be seen or mentioned again) 5p this time 60p next time etc, Always!

Everyone knew & expected it & if they didn't like/love/enjoy her company there could have been some right rows but instead they just came up with kitty system - they all put in same amount & that purse went everywhere with them to pay for food/drinks.

Kitty worked for them but if your situation is a coffee every couple of months you may just have to repeat what you've said above to yourself a couple of times before meeting her, take a deep breath & enjoy the friendship, quirks n all!

Aimeee

I think she just hates parting with money. I know a few like this. It's not that she's out to fleece you or anything just her inbuilt no spend system. I know someone similar. Just get your own coffee in future & don't say yes to the offer of getting a drink at the bar or whatever. You'll probably notice other little niggly things as time goes by (i suspect you have already) which on their own amount to nothing but added up don't sit well. It's quite amusing to watch once you become aware of it.

sporina

Aimeee wrote: »

I think she just hates parting with money. I know a few like this. It's not that she's out to fleece you or anything just her inbuilt no spend system. I know someone similar. Just get your own coffee in future & don't say yes to the offer of getting a drink at the bar or whatever. You'll probably notice other little niggly things as time goes by (i suspect you have already) which on their own amount to nothing but added up don't sit well. It's quite amusing to watch once you become aware of it.

interesting insightful reply.. and yes I have noticed other things - but i still like her - she has good qualities too..

tis strange though - and you know i had a thought this morn.. with other mates, its a pleasure to shout them a coffee.. you know.. meet a good friend.. have good chats.. nice to get them a coffee.. but with her, with the way she is about money, its takes that pleasure out of it.. if you know what i mean... cos its an issue.. there is always the " oh i have no money, do they take visa etc".. era i wish she would just check her money situation before getting into the cafe or where ever - thats if she is not scabby and just scatty.. if its the former - well, i'll have my own cash anyway thats for sure..

anyway.. see how it goes..

happy new year.. x