Just can't get this woman out of my head

Laoislion8383

Need help, No smartass B.S... I am in a bit of a pickle, I have fallen hook line and sinker for a woman at work, I know for a fact she feels the same as we spoke about it at the notorious Xmas party and yes shared a very nice kiss too which makes it a whole lot worse. She is single I am not and am due to be married in the near future.(please dont judge i feek bad enough)

the attraction between me and this lady at work is something I genuinely have not felt before it's like every atom in my body is drawn to her. I knew there was an attraction for the past few weeks as we literally could not keep our eyes off each other along with the odd bit of flirting but it never really hit home how attracted to her i was until we began to work on the same project over the past two weeks.

I was willing to let it go, not act on my attraction have always had good will power but she made the move Friday nite and I could not no matter how much I tried (and I did try) resist her we spoke and like I said shared a kiss and now my every waking thought has her in it. I am just not myself it is driving me insane.....

Armchair Andy

If your heart says go for it, do it. Break it off with fiancee first though.

Dricmeister

Jim Bob Scratcher wrote: »

Why are women always interested in blokes who are taken ?

Because the better ones tend to be taken

Jim Bob Scratcher

Dricmeister wrote: »

Because the better ones tend to be taken

Bleedin homewreckers!

SteelyDanJalapeno

You know what they say op, build a bridge and get over it, 2 in the hand is worth more than 4 in the paw

PARlance

Laoislion8383 wrote: »

She knows yes, but I disagree she is a genuine nice girl if she wasn't I wouldn't be in this situation....

Would your wife-to-be agree?

You're freaking out in advance of the wedding. It happens. You're relatively young (guessing you're 32) and in the final few months of freedom. Pull yourself together.

Laoislion8383

_Whimsical_ wrote: »

If she knows your engaged OP but still made a move when you are drunk at a party I don't think she could be all that nice. She has nothing to lose here, you have a whole lot. I wouldn't toss your relationship away for her, though your financee may well deserve better than what you're offering right now!

I understand your opinion totally and even agree with it to a certain extent, I was never going to make the first move and if I am really honest I was hoping deep down she would.

I am quite well aware how that makes me appear and I am totally disgusted with myself

Agricola

Dricmeister wrote: »

Because the better ones tend to be taken

Pft, nonsense. I'm over 30 and still on the market and my mother says Im great.

Speaking of which, she's just got me tea ready. Im off.

Ken.

Mod-thread moved to relationship Issues, Please read the local charter before posting.

Mongfinder General

You're on a hiding to nothing. Wheels are in motion so you might as well lob it in there as many times as possible before you're either caught by the missus or the mistress gets browned off with you

Diamond Doll

Break up with your fiancee. It's the only right thing to do.

As for whether you hook up with this new girl or not, to be honest, whatever. I don't particularly wish you any happiness in the future, with her or without her. If she made a move on an engaged man, she doesn't exactly seem like a nice person. Maybe you deserve each other.

But your fiancee deserves to be released from the current relationship, and as soon as possible. She's the innocent party in all of this. Hopefully she'll meet a more decent, honorable, honest man in the future.

Laoislion8383

PARlance wrote: »

Would your wife-to-be agree?

You're freaking out in advance of the wedding. It happens. You're relatively young (guessing you're 32) and in the final few months of freedom. Pull yourself together.

Maybe I am freaking out and longing or looking for something before I take the plunge that could be it.

But it's the attraction between me and this lady that has me flummoxed

bloominballix

You're not actually asking any question OP. But it's clear as day that your first port of call is to break up with your fiance. What you do after that is your own business.

ceadaoin.

I'm not getting from your posts that you feel guilty about this. You've cheated on your fiancée but you're too wrapped up in the thrill of a new relationship that you don't care. You're detaching emotionally from your relationship, your fiancée is going to know something is up.


If you want to pursue things with this woman then end your current relationship. Be prepared to regret it though when the honeymoon period wears off.

Laoislion8383

Diamond Doll wrote: »

Break up with your fiancee. It's the only right thing to do.

As for whether you hook up with this new girl or not, to be honest, whatever. I don't particularly wish you any happiness in the future, with her or without her. If she made a move on an engaged man, she doesn't exactly seem like a nice person. Maybe you deserve each other.

But your fiancee deserves to be released from the current relationship, and as soon as possible. She's the innocent party in all of this. Hopefully she'll meet a more decent, honorable, honest man in the future.

Of course she is the innocent party in all of this but I am not about to throw away years of a relationship with a woman I truly love on the strength of a kiss with someone else. it is the attraction I felt/feel for this woman and how she is in my head that has me all messed up

I quite litteraly haven't eaten since yesterday morning because of guilt

Laoislion8383

bloominballix wrote: »

You're not actually asking any question OP. But it's clear as day that your first port of call is to break up with your fiance. What you do after that is your own business.

Why is it clear as day

Mourinho

Do you really fancy/love the fiancée or would you fancy the other woman more?

Laoislion8383

ceadaoin. wrote: »

I'm not getting from your posts that you feel guilty about this. You've cheated on your fiancée but you're too wrapped up in the thrill of a new relationship that you don't care. You're detaching emotionally from your relationship, your fiancée is going to know something is up.


If you want to pursue things with this woman then end your current relationship. Be prepared to regret it though when the honeymoon period wears off.

I am guilty trust me

ceadaoin.

Laoislion8383 wrote: »

Of course she is the innocent party in all of this but I am not about to throw away years of a relationship with a woman I truly love on the strength of a kiss with someone else. it is the attraction I felt/feel for this woman and how she is in my head that has me all messed up

I quite litteraly haven't eaten since yesterday morning because of guilt

If you aren't going to throw away your relationship for this woman then you have to avoid her at all costs. You already know you can't trust yourself around her. Even to the extent of looking for a new job if possible. If that's not an option then no non work related contact. So no chats, lunches, no emails, no texts. I'm assuming that you are already communicating in those ways outside of work because it seems like a classic emotional affair.

Laoislion8383

Mourinho wrote: »

Do you really fancy/love the fiancée or would you fancy the other woman more?

I love my fiancee wholly and completely and that is the truth.

I just can't help myself from fancying this other lady I honestly don't want too but like I said in my OP I feel drawn to her.

handlemaster

Laoislion8383 wrote: »

Need help, No smartass B.S... I am in a bit of a pickle, I have fallen hook line and sinker for a woman at work, I know for a fact she feels the same as we spoke about it at the notorious Xmas party and yes shared a very nice kiss too which makes it a whole lot worse. She is single I am not and am due to be married in the near future.(please dont judge i feek bad enough)

the attraction between me and this lady at work is something I genuinely have not felt before it's like every atom in my body is drawn to her. I knew there was an attraction for the past few weeks as we literally could not keep our eyes off each other along with the odd bit of flirting but it never really hit home how attracted to her i was until we began to work on the same project over the past two weeks.

I was willing to let it go, not act on my attraction have always had good will power but she made the move Friday nite and I could not no matter how much I tried (and I did try) resist her we spoke and like I said shared a kiss and now my every waking thought has her in it. I am just not myself it is driving me insane.....

If it's not this new lady it will be someone else in the future. Break the current relationship off and move on.

Laoislion8383

ceadaoin. wrote: »

If you aren't going to throw away your relationship for this woman then you have to avoid her at all costs. You already know you can't trust yourself around her. Even to the extent of looking for a new job if possible. If that's not an option then no non work related contact. So no chats, lunches, no emails, no texts. I'm assuming that you are already communicating in those ways outside of work because it seems like a classic emotional affair.

I have honestly thought of asking for a change of office in work.

Yes we have being communicating outside of work and I know that must stop.

Idle Passerby

If you want to stay with your fiancee and have any hope of a healthy solid marriage, you need to totally cut contact with the fling and come clean about what happened to your fiancee. It would be a grave mistake to ahead with the wedding without being honest and being serious about wanting to forget the work girl.

Laoislion8383

handlemaster wrote: »

If it's not this new lady it will be someone else in the future. Break the current relationship off and move on.

Destroy my relationship over a kiss.

Never done anything like this before

Diamond Doll

Laoislion8383 wrote: »

Of course she is the innocent party in all of this but I am not about to throw away years of a relationship with a woman I truly love on the strength of a kiss with someone else. it is the attraction I felt/feel for this woman and how she is in my head that has me all messed up

I quite litteraly haven't eaten since yesterday morning because of guilt

Jesus poor you, and your empty tummy. I pity you so much. Really.

Your fiancee deserves honesty. If your relationship is strong enough, you'll get through "one kiss", you can work past it. If it's not strong enough to survive that, better to know it now than when something happens again down the line.

barneystinson

OP, your fiancée (or anyone else who knows you in the real world) had better not know your Boards username, or your dilemma could be taken out of your hands for you... just sayin...

ceadaoin.

Laoislion8383 wrote: »

I have honestly thought of asking for a change of office in work.

Yes we have being communicating outside of work and I know that must stop.

If that is a possibility you should do it. The only way your feelings will fade is if they aren't being fed by contact.

You should come clean to your fiancée. She is bound to know something is off. You are probably being more protective of your phone and acting distant. If you really are serious about staying with her then you can work through it together, assuming she wants to. It would be worse for her to find out at a later date especially after you are married.

screamer

Laoislion8383 wrote: »

I love my fiancee wholly and completely and that is the truth.

No you don't because respect and faithfulness are values that are implicit in loving someone wholy and completely. I couldn't imagine cheating on my husband let alone a few months before the marriage. It's obvious you're not ready to settle down and make a life commitment if some woman at work can bat her eyes at you and have you fall at her feet. So do the decent thing break up with your fiance and give her a chance to find someone who will love her wholy completely and exclusively don't for God sake marry her out of a sense of duty and be stuck in that sort of marriage.

Laoislion8383

Idle Passerby wrote: »

If you want to stay with your fiancee and have any hope of a healthy solid marriage, you need to totally cut contact with the fling and come clean about what happened to your fiancee. It would be a grave mistake to ahead with the wedding without being honest and being serious about wanting to forget the work girl.

The second I come clean about this my fiancee will be devastated and will never get over it. It was just a kiss yes there is a lot of attraction between us that is what really has me feeling guilty the fact I coukd be so attrscted to another woman not just on a physical level(if that was all I wouldn't be worrying) it's the emotional level that bothers me.

bloominballix

OP has form anyway.

http://touch.boards.ie/thread/2057438644/1/#post95690149

I can see why you'd be reluctant to tell her with kids in the picture. Being a weekend dad probably isn't ideal.

ceadaoin.

Laoislion8383 wrote: »

The second I come clean about this my fiancee will be devastated and will never get over it. It was just a kiss yes there is a lot of attraction between us that is what really has me feeling guilty the fact I coukd be so attrscted to another woman not just on a physical level(if that was all I wouldn't be worrying) it's the emotional level that bothers me.

It's called limerence, it's just an infatuation. Turn your attentions back to your fiancée and it will fade in time.

Or pursue this other woman and regret it when the infatuation wears off.

Idle Passerby

Laoislion8383 wrote: »

The second I come clean about this my fiancee will be devastated and will never get over it. It was just a kiss yes there is a lot of attraction between us that is what really has me feeling guilty the fact I coukd be so attrscted to another woman not just on a physical level(if that was all I wouldn't be worrying) it's the emotional level that bothers me.

You have no right to dupe your poor fiancee into a sham marriage. Either tell her, cut all contact with work girl and hope shes able to give you another chance or end the relationship and sort out what you actually want.

CaraMay

Laoislion8383 wrote: »

Destroy my relationship over a kiss.

Never done anything like this before

But you are doing it now! You've been in contact outside of work and you've kissed this girl now. On top of that, you can't stop thinking about the girl. You say you can't throw away a relationship because of one kiss. Does your fiancée not deserve a man who thinks only of her? You clearly have doubts so you should be pausing the wedding because of these feelings. Tbh you should be telling your fiancée. I would never marry a man I knew had cheated on me. She's entitled to the same option.

Oh and I now see you have done something like this before...

beks101

Why is the attraction the strongest you've ever felt? Could it be because you're about to take yourself off the market forever and you absolutely completely categorically cannot have her if you want your current relationship to work? It's an absolute no-no? Does she perhaps symbolise something else other than just "yeah I would"?

Because to be honest, I see men I fancy all the time. I see attractive men checking me out sometimes, sometimes a random colleague's and my eyes meet and I think "yeah. That would be nice. In another life".

Because doing anything that could run the risk of losing my OH is unpalatable. If I felt my lust getting out of control, I'd turn cold on my colleague and avoid all contact unless it was professionally compulsory.

It sounds to me like a dose of cold feet combined with forbidden fruit syndrome combined with some sort of internal reaction to your impending nuptials. Rest assured if anything further happens with this woman, you'll be standing across from your OH in front of all of your and her family and friends and lying through your teeth. Eventually the guilt will kill you and it will be the death of your marriage at a seriously high financial, mental and emotional cost.

So make that decision. Do it this week. And honour it. It's more than your own life and happiness at stake here.

screamer

bloominballix wrote: »

OP has form anyway.

http://touch.boards.ie/thread/2057438644/1/#post95690149

Ouch looks like curiosity killed the cat. OP you do realise that there is a certain amount of self control needed when you're in a long term relationship. It's more than putting a ring in a finger it's a state of mind and thats where you draw the line. Be flattered but be smart enough to walk away before shut happens. TBH it looks like you are nowhere near ready to settle down.

MissFlitworth

Sometimes I think that romance novels, romcoms etc. have sold people an absolute crock that makes them think that once you are 'in love' with someone you'll never be attracted to anyone else again and that if you feel an attraction or a spark with someone else that it's something special and it's something you should act on. Monogamy isn't written into marriage vows because you'll never feel an intense attraction to another person again if you're 'really' in love it's because, as people, we are programmed to find each other attractive. Monogamy is difficult, for everyone. The kinds of things that you find attractive will be in lots of other people, the trick is now to not decide that 'finding someone magnetically attractive' is a reason to bone them.

You're going to find other people attractive for the rest of your life, this is normal. Your girlfiend/wife will do too. It's nothing special, nothing written in the stars etc., it's being a person. If you want to stay with your fiancé and you want to keep your family together you need to make the grown up decision to cut this woman right out and to not put yourself in that sort of a spot again through giving in to basic chemistry. You can say 'nope, this will pass' to that stuff.

Ann84

If you have never felt for your fiancée what you feel for this woman, you should leave your fiancée, your with the wrong woman....

Neyite

Google limerence OP. It might explain what you are feeling.

Taltos

Mod note
This thread has been now moved to RI.
For anyone who moved it from the original forum please read the local charter before posting as the moderation style is much stricter here.

ceadaoin.

Ann84 wrote: »

If you have never felt for your fiancée what you feel for this woman, you should leave your fiancée, your with the wrong woman....

He says he 'truly loves' his fiancée. They have kids. It's a bit much to throw away for what is essentially a crush.

LeeLooLee

Dricmeister wrote: »

Because the better ones tend to be taken

Willing to cheat on fiancee with another woman, yeah, what a catch.

OP, this is infatuation. It's happened to me in the past. It tended to happen when things weren't going well in my relationship and therefore the grass looked greener elsewhere. I tended to get crushes on men who were unavailable, and hence (for me) out of reach. Never acted on them, but it was a big red flag that something was missing in my relationship.

zephyro

OP presumably you promised your fiancee at some point that you wouldn't fool around with anyone else. Did you actually take the time to think about what this promise means and whether you'd be prepared to keep it?

Ann84

ceadaoin. wrote: »

He says he 'truly loves' his fiancée. They have kids. It's a bit much to throw away for what is essentially a crush.

So he really loves his fiancée but has never felt the way he does about this woman in work... Once upon a time he met his now fiancé, should he not have felt this feeling before?
There are too many threads on this forum from people years into marriage saying they have met the love of their lives and didn't realise that what they had wasn't the real deal until this new person comes along, the OP has the opportunity to avoid marrying someone who doesn't make him feel the way this new woman does, I can only take the OP at his word in that he obviously never felt the attraction he feels for this new woman about his fiancé, and if I thought my fiancé felt that about me or visa versa, id be having serious doubts about whether we were right for each other...

ceadaoin.

Ann84 wrote: »

So he really loves his fiancée but has never felt the way he does about this woman in work... Once upon a time he met his now fiancé, should he not have felt this feeling before?
There are too many threads on this forum from people years into marriage saying they have met the love of their lives and didn't realise that what they had wasn't the real deal until this new person comes along, the OP has the opportunity to avoid marrying someone who doesn't make him feel the way this new woman does, I can only take the OP at his word in that he obviously never felt the attraction he feels for this new woman about his fiancé, and if I thought my fiancé felt that about me or visa versa, id be having serious doubts about whether we were right for each other...

He has cheated before in past relationships so he has form for this behaviour. He probably would have said the same about the last person he cheated with, maybe it was his fiancée who knows.

He should examine the reasons why he is open to a new relationship when he is engaged to another woman and try to resolve those with his fiancée to move forward. Otherwise he will doubtless repeat his behaviour when this infatuation wears off.

Of course, there is a small chance that this woman is 'the one' for him but it's highly unlikely. It sounds like limerence and won't last.

backspacer

Judging by your previous thread, you are bordering on a serial cheater..you are nothing more than an a******* that can't keep it in his pants. You have kids for Christ sake,cop yourself on and start behaving like an adult and knock this infatuation on the head, otherwise man up and get out. You are doing you fiancée no favours with your behaviour.

Taltos

Mod Note
backspacer, I know this can be an emotive topic but please watch your language. Your point can be made equally powerful without going to the edge of abuse which by our charter is cardable. As a new poster here please take 5 minutes to read our charter as well as some other threads to get a sense for what is permitted here.

Key point is if you cannot give constructive advice in a civil manner just don't post.

Sunflower 27

Laoislion8383 wrote: »

I have honestly thought of asking for a change of office in work.

Yes we have being communicating outside of work and I know that must stop.

I don't believe you.

You say you love your fiancée yet you have deceived her and have continued to do so by contacting this other woman behind her back.

You are clearly afraid of the fallout of calling off your engagement and breaking your fiance's heart.

Currently you are being a coward. Deceiving your partner yet remaining in contact with your crush.

You are clearly getting something out of this so please don't presume we all feel bad you didn't eat for a day or so.

You need to start being honest with yourself. You want the fling but you also want the security of your current partner. If you did not want your fling, you would have done a lot more than suggest moving offices.

Make up your mind. Personally, I feel very sorry for your partner who you are still continuing to deceive despite pleading how upset you are.

Keyzer

bloominballix wrote: »

OP has form anyway.

http://touch.boards.ie/thread/2057438644/1/#post95690149

I can see why you'd be reluctant to tell her with kids in the picture. Being a weekend dad probably isn't ideal.

Caught by the balls...

Ursus Horribilis

Going by this thread and the other one, it would appear that you're not a man who's big into monogamy or faithfulness. How about approaching your fiancée and asking her if she would like an open relationship. At least then she'd know what she's getting into.

backspacer

Taltos wrote: »

Mod Note
backspacer, I know this can be an emotive topic but please watch your language. Your point can be made equally powerful without going to the edge of abuse which by our charter is cardable. As a new poster here please take 5 minutes to read our charter as well as some other threads to get a sense for what is permitted here.

Key point is if you cannot give constructive advice in a civil manner just don't post.

Mea culpa Taltos,will stick to the charter in future,my apologies

dellas1979

It sounds plain and simple that you've no idea who you are or what you want (even pre-engagement), or how to handle yourself.

If you want to live a single man lifestyle. Go for it. Single. You want to know IF you should be single? Look at your actions right now.