Not going to a funeral

maryfred

The title is slightly misleading because there isn't a funeral but bear with me.
I haven't spoken to my mother in 18 months: won't go into the details but there's no way back for us. My relationship with my father has broken down as a result of this and other things. In general we're not a close family,mostly as a result of my mother. I'm the most separate from them all, I would have suffered the most at her hands or her mind more like it. Geographically we all live relatively close, same or different counties but relatively close.
My parents are elderly and TBH it wouldn't be a huge shock if either of them passed away. The last time I spoke to my mother it was pretty brutal, but things I needed to say got said. One of those things was that I would not be there when she died. I would not attend her funeral. I've reiterated this to my husband and told 2 of my sisters. I've since decided that when the times comes that I won't attend my father's either. I don't see the point. I have no relationship with either of them and to me it would just be hypocritical. My husband has said his only concern is that I would regret it some day. Of course that's a possibility but I'm OK with that.
My eldest sister is all about appearances even though she hasn't spoken to the woman in years, she is my father's favourite. I haven't told her this but when the time comes she'll more than likely blow a fuse.
My question is, does anyone know anyone who didn't attend their parents funerals?
I know it sounds very cold hearted but through therapy and the support of my husband, I've reached a place where I can function and be happy. Any thoughts or advice?
I didn't want to post this in the bereavement forum as it didn't seem to be appropriate. Thanks.

PinkLemonade

Why are you deciding now? It seems your making this decision about of spite to be honest. I don't understand why your making this an issue at this point in time

Diamond Doll

I'd agree with you that it would be hypocritical for you to attend.

In my opinion there's no need or reason to discuss this with any other family members until the time comes. And when it happens, if your sister or anyone else makes a fuss, just do your best to stay calm but firm about your decision.

It sounds to me like you've thought this through plenty and are making the right decision.

Neyite

PinkLemonade wrote: »

Why are you deciding now? It seems your making this decision about of spite to be honest. I don't understand why your making this an issue at this point in time

I'd have to agree, I don't see the point in you making this stance unless one of them is near the end of their life - the only reason I can see for telling everyone is to get a reaction. If that's what you want, carry on. But if you want to end a relationship with someone for whatever reason, just drop contact.

You are a grown up, so can attend or not attend a funeral, when the time comes. If your sister gets the hump over it when the time comes, deal with it then. Unless you want to have a fight with her now.

LegacyUser

To be honest OP there is no point in making set in stone chocies now as you don't know what will happen when either parent does pass. How we react to death is different to each person and you may find when the time comes you want to go for closure for yourself or you may not want to go. I only went to part my fathers funeral not because I had issues with him, we were very close and he died suddenly and I just couldn't deal with the wake, I wanted my last memory of him to be when I'd last spoken to him, not him lying in a box. I got grief from my brother afterwards that my mum had to answer lots of questions asking why I wasn't there which upset me a great deal but my mum told me to ignore him, no one had a right to tell me how to greave.

Making statements to people either your parents, siblings or OH about what you plan to do comes across as a bit peatty I have to say. If you've not got a good relationship well then ignore them and when the time comes make a choice on what you want to do then.

maryfred

PinkLemonade wrote: »

Why are you deciding now? It seems your making this decision about of spite to be honest. I don't understand why your making this an issue at this point in time

It's not out of spite at all. I'm not a spiteful person, never have been. And the reason it's now is that very recently 4 people who would be of my parents age group passed away in my hometown and it bought the subject up again in my mind. It's not something that is decided lightly.

Magicmatilda

I honestly donlt believe it is something that can be decided until the time comes. You have no idea how you will feel when one of your parents dies and I say that as someone who can completely understand why you would have cut contact.

It is really very simple when the die, go to the funeral if you want to and don't if you don't.

I can understand why people dying would bring it to mind but it does not explain to need to go around telling people in advance. Not sure why you feel the need to do that?

maryfred

Neyite wrote: »

the only reason I can see for telling everyone is to get a reaction.

I haven't told everyone, my husband is naturally someone that I talk to. And I've told 2 of my sisters, we're a very big family. And it wasn't in a spiteful way, we had been talking about the last time I had spoken to my mother. Neither of them had any issue with what I said. So most of them don't know. I'm not trying to get a reaction out of them or anyone.

PinkLemonade

maryfred wrote: »

It's not out of spite at all. I'm not a spiteful person, never have been. And the reason it's now is that very recently 4 people who would be of my parents age group passed away in my hometown and it bought the subject up again in my mind. It's not something that is decided lightly.

I don't understand why you have made the decision and why you felt the need to tell your mother you wouldn't attend her funeral. I think you need to think about why your making these decisions

And I don't think your should feel judged if when the time comes you choose you don't want to go, it's the fact that your telling people now?

bee06

PinkLemonade wrote: »

I don't understand why you have made the decision and why you felt the need to tell your mother you wouldn't attend her funeral. I think you need to think about why your making these decisions

And I don't think your should feel judged if when the time comes you choose you don't want to go, it's the fact that your telling people now?

Maybe I've missed something but I don't think she did tell her mother? Just husband and 2 sisters.

denis160

I've an uncle who didn't attend his fathers funeral. They had fallen out previous & never reconciled. At the time he was dying he was notified as they were all going to the hospital but he choose to go to neither. I honestly don't know how he felt after it as him not attending caused a serious divide in the family which has slowly healed over the past ten years. When I say slow I mean slow. Some of my aunts/uncles wouldn't speak to him or pass him & it bore a negative impact on cousins/friends over the years. To this day, some don't talk to him or bare to be in the same room as him.
I do think it's a decision not to dwell on now as the answer will come to you when the situation happens. If & when it happens, you could just go to the burial or the mass, 1 or the other. You don't have to sit or stand with your other family members, you don't have to be involved in the arrangements. I would tend to agree with your husband, in that you may regret it 1 day.

PinkLemonade

bee06 wrote: »

Maybe I've missed something but I don't think she did tell her mother? Just husband and 2 sisters.

She told her she would not be there when she died

eviltwin

I would take a wait and see approach. You won't know until the time how you feel and what you want to do. I have a bad relationship with one of my parents so this is an issue I think about and I'm not making any decisions until it happens. You may want to go for closure, you may go but stay out of sight at the back of the church or you might not be there at all. I wouldn't automatically agree that if you don't go you will regret it. Play it by ear and allow yourself permission to attend if it will help when the time comes and remember going to the funeral does not erase the past, it's not a sign that all is okay or that you have forgiven and forgotten. You can attend and still acknowledge the pain she's caused you.

beyondbelief67

maryfred wrote: »

It's not out of spite at all. I'm not a spiteful person, never have been. And the reason it's now is that very recently 4 people who would be of my parents age group passed away in my hometown and it bought the subject up again in my mind. It's not something that is decided lightly.

My mother was abusive to my father and myself.
Both mentally and physically.
Thinking she would be different with her grandchildren I let her see them and even though she seemed different with my eldest, soon she changed, smacking her and being nasty about my son who has special needs.
That was it for me.
My father passed away when I was a teenager, and I have no siblings, I left and the only time I regretted it was when my grandmother passed away and I was told not to go to the funeral, as my aunt was worried my mother would cause a scene.
And out of respect to my grandmother I didn't go.
My mother passed away a few years ago, I was invited, but it would of been hypocritical of me to go, I went to her grave afterwards, I didn't break down or anything, but when I walked into her old house and saw her empty chair, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Not so much for what we had lost, but for what should of been and could of been.
I was told I'd regret it too, and that it would affect me, 5 years later it hasn't, my only regret is letting her see my children at all, and not cutting ties sooner.

LegacyUser

OP I am in a very similar boat, I havent spoken to my elderly parents in over 4 years but unlike you my siblings sided with them so I havent spoken to them either in over 4 years.

People will question why you are dealing with it now, but I understand as I did the same. I made the decision for closure, there is no relationship so why would I attend their funeral. I have made my decisions and so far have few regrets. So I doubt I will regret not going to their funeral, I regret (for my kids) that they have missed milestones in my children's life but it is what it is. Would I sooner have the relationship that my wife has with her family, of course. But like you I am not spiteful, I appreciate my wife and my kids and have decided that I wont be attending any funerals (siblings included).

dori_dormer

I under stand where you are coming from. Funerals are for those left behind. To grieve and say goodbye. If you are not grieving and have already said goodbye to the person then what's the point?

If you have been through counselling etc then these things come up. I wouldn't see telling a few of your siblings how you are feeling as a bad thing. Again those types of topics come up within families.

You can always change your mind when the time comes. I would think very poorly of soemone trying to force you to go for appearances, they obviously have more respect for the dead than the living.

Do what is right for you and no one else.

maryfred

beyondbelief67 wrote: »

Not so much for what we had lost, but for what should of been and could of been .

This is exactly what I have said to my husband. That's what I will grieve for.

Keisha07

A close friend of mine was estranged from his father for over 20 years, his da died last year, my friend didn't attend we cajoled using the 'you might regret it' line, he replied that he had mourned his dad decades before. His siblings took it badly and they won't speak to him but he is adamant that he made the correct choice for himself. I quite admire him could have been easier to go for appearances but he says that would have been hypocritical

dori_dormer

The other thing to take into account about funerals is that they tend to describe the deceased in a positive light which can be hard to take.

When my granddad died the priest went on forever about what a great man he was, married for 60 odd years, loved his kids, great dad and grandad , hard worker etc etc.

It couldn't have been farther from the truth, he beat the crap out of his wife and kids and almost ran the family business into the ground. Wouldn't even look twice at one of his grandkids. Horrible man.

Then all the funeral goers spouting the same crap to my dad and uncles and aunts. I could barely stomach it and I wasn't even directly affected by him.

beyondbelief67

dori_dormer wrote: »

The other thing to take into account about funerals is that they tend to describe the deceased in a positive light which can be hard to take.

When my granddad died the priest went on forever about what a great man he was, married for 60 odd years, loved his kids, great dad and grandad , hard worker etc etc.

It couldn't have been farther from the truth, he beat the crap out of his wife and kids and almost ran the family business into the ground. Wouldn't even look twice at one of his grandkids. Horrible man.

Then all the funeral goers spouting the same crap to my dad and uncles and aunts. I could barely stomach it and I wasn't even directly affected by him.

This is exactly it, I'd had years hearing what an angel my mother was and how caring and didn't deserve such a terrible daughter, one time my teacher said it andiI replied how it's a pity she wasn't like that at home, word got back to my mother and I couldn't go to school for a week, so no way would I of been able to hear it and stay quiet, and as another poster said I'd mourned her for years already.

PressRun

I'd leave the option open since neither of them are actually dead yet. You have no idea how you're going to feel when that time comes. There could be many reasons why you might want to attend or you might still be in the same place and not want to attend at all. I don't see any reason for saying this to any of your siblings now, unless you want to continue stoking the embers of family drama.

Taboola

I think you're just looking to cause more drama by announcing that you're not going. You don't need to tell anyone you aren't going to a funeral of a person that isn't even dead or ill.

Lux23

My next door neighbour died recently and one of her daughters didn't attend the funeral. Personally I thought she was a stone cold b***h not to swallow her pride and go to the funeral especially as her children did attend. But the situation her was very different but everyone remarked upon her non-appearance albeit not to the family's face.

Diamond Doll

Lux23 wrote: »

My next door neighbour died recently and one of her daughters didn't attend the funeral. Personally I thought she was a stone cold b***h not to swallow her pride and go to the funeral especially as her children did attend. But the situation her was very different but everyone remarked upon her non-appearance albeit not to the family's face.

So?? Let them (and you) remark and comment all they want.

You, and others, don't know what may have gone on behind closed doors.

Lux23

Diamond Doll wrote: »

So?? Let them (and you) remark and comment all they want.

You, and others, don't know what may have gone on behind closed doors.

Well we did know and we were close to the woman who died so I stick by my opinion.

Lux23

Taboola wrote: »

I think you're just looking to cause more drama by announcing that you're not going. You don't need to tell anyone you aren't going to a funeral of a person that isn't even dead or ill.

That's another thing, why are you telling people now? This strikes me as attention seeking. Keep your intentions to yourself as they are only going to upset people if you share them now.

maryfred

Taboola wrote: »

I think you're just looking to cause more drama by announcing that you're not going. You don't need to tell anyone you aren't going to a funeral of a person that isn't even dead or ill.

I don't understand what you mean by more drama. I haven't 'announced' anything. It has been said to 2 family members over a year ago in 2 conversations.

deisemum

I cut my mother out of my life 12.5 years ago, my only regret was that I didn't do it sooner. She thought she could manipulate a situation and approach me at the funeral of an extended family member 2.5 years ago but I wasn't having it.

I will not waste my time travelling across the country to attend her funeral if she dies before me but I know I'll have some family members who will be more worried about what the neighbours will think even though the neighbours haven't any time for my mother.

Recently my husband has started on at me that I should go when the time comes despite having agreed with me over the years.

Dellnum

The reason you are posting this now OP would appear to me that you feel a tad guilty that you don't want to go to your mother's funeral and are looking for feedback that it is okay. Your mother is not going to know whether you go or not but you could go with the attitude that you are going to a celebration of her death. Of course you would not voice this out of respect for the people there who would be sad at her passing.

Another way to look at it would be two wrongs don't make a right and while you feel that your mother didn't treat you right in the past you don't have to use her death to get your own back on her but you can be the better person and you could go to her funeral because you are a bigger, kinder person than she ever was to you and that might give you an inner peace of mind.

maryfred

Dellnum wrote: »

The reason you are posting this now OP would appear to me that you feel a tad guilty that you don't want to go to your mother's funeral and are looking for feedback that it is okay. Your mother is not going to know whether you go or not but you could go with the attitude that you are going to a celebration of her death. Of course you would not voice this out of respect for the people there who would be sad at her passing.

Another way to look at it would be two wrongs don't make a right and while you feel that your mother didn't treat you right in the past you don't have to use her death to get your own back on her but you can be the better person and you could go to her funeral because you are a bigger, kinder person than she ever was to you and that might give you an inner peace of mind.

No I don't feel any guilt. To do so would indicate that I believe I have done something wrong, and I haven't. I agree that two wrongs don't make a right, but again I haven't done anything wrong. I'm not trying to get my own back on anyone. Ever since I cut ties with my mother and went for counselling, my mind is at peace, for the first time in my life. I was never looking for anyone to tell me that my decision is Ok, it was simply to find out if other people have been in this situation or knew of others who had been.

BTW unvoiced or otherwise, I would never celebrate anyone's death.

Full Marx

If you dont go your siblings/relations will transfer their grief into anger at you... is it worth it? I've seen it happen quite a bit.


Just show your face at the funeral and slip away early and not hang around for the afters when it comes to it.

Calhoun

Dellnum wrote: »

Another way to look at it would be two wrongs don't make a right and while you feel that your mother didn't treat you right in the past you don't have to use her death to get your own back on her but you can be the better person and you could go to her funeral because you are a bigger, kinder person than she ever was to you and that might give you an inner peace of mind.

How is not going to a funeral wrong? This i believe is part of the Irish problem every sinner is a saint once they are in the hole in the ground, everyone around them that was close is expected to forget how horrible they were treated.

The only thing i would say is there was probably no need to bring it up now, the only person who know what the right decision at the end of the day will be yourself OP.

Eeden

I would say the only reason to go would be to support your father in his grief, if you still feel close enough to him to do this. Otherwise, do whatever you feel best about, but don't broadcast it.

maryfred

Calhoun wrote: »

How is not going to a funeral wrong? This i believe is part of the Irish problem every sinner is a saint once they are in the hole in the ground, everyone around them that was close is expected to forget how horrible they were treated.

The only thing i would say is there was probably no need to bring it up now, the only person who know what the right decision at the end of the day will be yourself OP.

I agree with the first part of your post wholeheartedly, but with regards to the second part, the only place I've brought it up recently is here. As I've mentioned I haven't spoken about it to anyone in my family for over a year. And I have no plans to do so either.

maryfred

Eeden wrote: »

I would say the only reason to go would be to support your father in his grief, if you still feel close enough to him to do this. Otherwise, do whatever you feel best about, but don't broadcast it.

I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to do this. And again I haven't been broadcasting it.

dori_dormer

Full Marx wrote: »

If you dont go your siblings/relations will transfer their grief into anger at you... is it worth it? I've seen it happen quite a bit.


Just show your face at the funeral and slip away early and not hang around for the afters when it comes to it.

This would says way more about the siblings than the op. Their grief is not her problem. I would never compromise my self worth and emotional well being so extremely for someone else.

Live and let live. No one will look out for the op except herself. She will know what is right for her now, and what is right for her at the time her parents pass away.

Taboola

maryfred wrote: »

I don't understand what you mean by more drama. I haven't 'announced' anything. It has been said to 2 family members over a year ago in 2 conversations.

Why did you say it to anyone? Your mother isn't even ill.

It's attention seeking.

Diamond Doll

Taboola wrote: »

Why did you say it to anyone? Your mother isn't even ill.

It's attention seeking.

Attention seeking would be announcing it to the sibling she knows would have a problem with it. Which she hasn't done.

If it was on my mind that I didn't intend to be involved with a parent's funeral, it's a pretty big deal, and I'd like to think I'd be able to confide in a partner/friend/sibling about my feelings. Which she has done. It seems that those she's confided in have been understanding about her decision and her reasoning behind it.

SAMTALK

OP I was in a similar situation to you but it was my partners mother. I was treated like dirt by the family and when his mother died I stood my ground and wouldnt go.
Why would I go to a funeral of a person who treated me and my kids like dirt??
Im sure some would say for my partners sake but he fully agreed with decision .
Life is too short to be trying to please other people and making things look good for the neighbours/gossips.
It wasnt an easy decision but sometimes you do things for self preservation

deisemum

Taboola wrote: »

Why did you say it to anyone? Your mother isn't even ill.

It's attention seeking.

It's not attention seeking, she's only told 2 of her siblings not the whole family. I've told 2 of my siblings that I'm close to as the scenario of a parent's death is something that would get mentioned once in a blue moon and not as a regular topic of discussion.

Some people who have had a different family dynamic will never get or understand that of someone who's had a very negative one because it's alien to them.

PinkLemonade

deisemum wrote: »

It's not attention seeking, she's only told 2 of her siblings not the whole family. I've told 2 of my siblings that I'm close to as the scenario of a parent's death is something that would get mentioned once in a blue moon and not as a regular topic of discussion.

Some people who have had a different family dynamic will never get or understand that of someone who's had a very negative one because it's alien to them.

Maybe you don't think it is attention seeking, but it's the kind of thing that could a lot of unnecessary hurt for her siblings and herself, I can't see any reason to make this decision now, least of all discuss it with her family.

It sounds like the OP should go to a councilor to discuss this, and discuss why she's feeling this way, rather than making plans for which funerals she will/won't attend

maryfred

deisemum wrote: »

It's not attention seeking, she's only told 2 of her siblings not the whole family. I've told 2 of my siblings that I'm close to as the scenario of a parent's death is something that would get mentioned once in a blue moon and not as a regular topic of discussion.

Some people who have had a different family dynamic will never get or understand that of someone who's had a very negative one because it's alien to them.

The second part of your post is right on the money. My mother in law is aware that my mother and I don't get on. I've not discussed it with her as despite what others here think I don't go around announcing it and I'm not attention seeking. So she wasn't aware of the extent of it. She was speaking to my husband last year before Christmas. She wanted me to "make up" with my mother. So he told her some of the reasons that wasn't going to happen. Her said her face was pure shock when she realised some of the things my mother had done and said. She's a lovely woman for whom her family is everything. So what she was hearing was utter alien to her, and she still can't comprehend it. She doesn't speak to me about it but she does occasionally ask my husband and she still says she can't understand how a mother could do what my mother did and said.
Nobody would ever have been aware that there was a problem in our house, because abusive households are the best at hiding things.

maryfred

PinkLemonade wrote: »

It sounds like the OP should go to a councilor to discuss this, and discuss why she's feeling this way, rather than making plans for which funerals she will/won't attend

As I've said above I have been for counselling. It's this counselling which has helped me find peace and indeed helped me understand that my decision is mine alone to make. And I'm OK with that decision. I understand perfectly thst it's not the decision that everyone would choose to make. Everyone hasn't lived my life, I haven't lived others.

dori_dormer

PinkLemonade wrote: »

Maybe you don't think it is attention seeking, but it's the kind of thing that could a lot of unnecessary hurt for her siblings and herself, I can't see any reason to make this decision now, least of all discuss it with her family.

It sounds like the OP should go to a councilor to discuss this, and discuss why she's feeling this way, rather than making plans for which funerals she will/won't attend

I'd suggest you read all the posts because she has.

SAMTALK

PinkLemonade wrote: »

Maybe you don't think it is attention seeking, but it's the kind of thing that could a lot of unnecessary hurt for her siblings and herself, I can't see any reason to make this decision now, least of all discuss it with her family.

People usually dont make decisions like this lightly. Im sure OP has given it a lot of thought and its not for us to tell her to go or not as we dont know what she had to go through.
Why must people always have to worry about other people and what they might think. If its the right thing for OP to do then she should do it. It is after all her who has to live with past and going to funeral will not erase any of what happened

FalconGirl

I have a very bad relationship with my mother to the point I'm close to completely cutting her out of my life. However when the day comes I'll be there for my siblings sake.

Taboola

FalconGirl wrote: »

I have a very bad relationship with my mother to the point I'm close to completely cutting her out of my life. However when the day comes I'll be there for my siblings sake.

I've a very bad relationship with one of my family members but the thought of whether or not I'd go to their funeral has never even crossed my mind (thinking about it, I probably wouldn't go) because they aren't sick or old.

It's like turning down a wedding invitation to a wedding that hasn't been planned yet.

eviltwin

Taboola wrote: »

I've a very bad relationship with one of my family members but the thought of whether or not I'd go to their funeral has never even crossed my mind (thinking about it, I probably wouldn't go) because they aren't sick or old.

It's like turning down a wedding invitation to a wedding that hasn't been planned yet.

Just because it's not something you think about doesn't mean those who do are attention seeking. I think about it a good bit because my mother's funeral will be the first contact with my siblings in years and I'm frankly terrified at the thoughts of it. It's hard enough being around them without the heightened emotions and audience that inevitably go with a funeral. I don't think the OP is a drama queen at all. It's an event that is going to happen at some stage. It's natural she will be anxious.

Electric Sheep

eviltwin wrote: »

Just because it's not something you think about doesn't mean those who do are attention seeking. I think about it a good bit because my mother's funeral will be the first contact with my siblings in years and I'm frankly terrified at the thoughts of it. It's hard enough being around them without the heightened emotions and audience that inevitably go with a funeral. I don't think the OP is a drama queen at all. It's an event that is going to happen at some stage. It's natural she will be anxious.

It's not the decision not to go that points to drama queen, it's the anouncing her intention to family members that points to stirring and attention seeking.

eviltwin

Electric Sheep wrote: »

It's not the decision not to go that points to drama queen, it's the anouncing her intention to family members that points to stirring and attention seeking.

I disagree. I think if there is bad blood its sometimes better to let people know your position ahead of time. I know with my family that is the best way, announcing things at the time doesn't really work. Its not like a wedding or an event where you have notice, where you can give people your answer well in advance, its a funeral and you're dealing with very emotional people. If they are expecting your presence and you don't intend to be there its a big bombshell to drop on them. At least this way they know, they have time to think of what to say to the attendees and they won't have to deal with the additional upset of not having the OP there if they expect it.

Dellnum

Did your mother treat your siblings the same way as she treated you OP ?