Disagreement with girlfriend's housemates

Mark Hamill

My girlfriend is renting in a 3 bed house, she has 3 house mates who live in the upstairs bedrooms while she sublets from one and lives in the living room which is converted into a bedroom (actually a nice room, tbh). She goes to college during the week most days starting classes at about lunchtime, and works 3 weeknights and Saturdays.
The issue is that my girlfriend has to get up on Saturday at 6am for work and last night, around 10am, her housemates started drinking and playing loud music in the kitchen (right next to her room).

I first went in and asked could they turn it down, as she had to get up early the next morning. Their response was that they would turn it down around midnight, when they had their fun. I said that was unacceptable and we then descended into an argument concerning my personal lack of rights in the house, how they could call the guards and landlord on us for living in a sitting room (???), how they can legally make as much noise as they like until midnight and how (conveniently) one of them has all of a sudden always had a problem with the noise my girlfriend makes in the morning (note how my girlfriend does not actually get up early during the week, except to work on Saturdays). I, of course, was having none of it, so they ended just saying they wouldn't deal with me only her.
I got her to go into talk with them and the same things came up, I went back in with her and we argued more along the same lines - more repeated threats to call guards/landlord on my girlfriend for subletting and living in a sitting room, with added "my girlfriend should learn to compromise by giving up her sleep when they want to party", "this is Ireland, this is the culture on Friday nights" and "my girlfriend should leave if she doesn't like it". Obviously, all BS of the highest order.
Unfortunately, they were too drunk and abusive to argue with, so I couldn't do anything further about it last night.

TL:DR version: Drunken, abusive and noisy housemates post 10pm ignoring requests to be quiet by subletting girlfriend who works at 6am next day.

What can I do about this?

gordongekko

i think you are the bully. What had it got to do with you?

10pm is reasonable to be in your sitting room on a friday listening to music. They offered to turn it down at midnight.

Of it was me id be complaining about a visitor to the house complaining that i cant play a few tunes at 10pm on a friday and ask that you are banned from the house

Wabbit Ears

nothing, its part of student life, it was a friday night and you dont even live there.

Buona Fortuna

I was going to say move, but my two compadres summed it up already.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Yeah, I'm with the other two posters.
Are you contributing to rent and bills?
It's none of your business. They live there. You don't live there. You have no right to tell them what they can do in their own homes. 10pm is not an unreasonable hour of the evening and I would be very very very unimpressed with a housemate having her boyfriend stay over and dictate to the tenants of the house.

ShatterProof

Its was a Friday night, 10 pm is not late.

Maybe these are not the digs you are looking for.

Penny Tration

They did nothing wrong. it's entirely normal to play music and drink at 10pm. 2am would be out of order, but 10pm?!

Sorry but you and your girlfriend are totally in the wrong.

That aside, youre a guest. The absolute cheek of you, a non-paying guest, to tell the people paying for the house to stop enjoying themselves! It's not your place at all, let alone at 10pm!

Sunny Dayz

Could ye not have stayed in your house if ye wanted some sleep? It's not the housemates problem that your girlfriend works early on Saturday morning. Ridiculous telling them to be quiet at 10pm at the weekend. Either be sociable and join their party for a bit or buy some earplugs.

theteal

If I knew somebody in the house was up at 6am I would be trying to avoid making noise that late. In saying that, the setup of that house is not doing any favours. You can normally do whatever you want downstairs in a house(within reason) without disturbing people asleep upstairs.

I don't care that the OP doesn't live there, he initially just asked if they could turn down the music, I know my OH would be too shy to say anything in a similar situation.

Either way, the only solution is to move....or earplugs.

amdublin

theteal wrote: »

If I knew somebody in the house was up at 6am I would be trying to avoid making noise that late. In saying that, the setup of that house is not doing any favours. You can normally do whatever you want downstairs in a house(within reason) without disturbing people asleep upstairs.

I don't care that the OP doesn't live there, he initially just asked if they could turn down the music, I know my OH would be too shy to say anything in a similar situation.

Either way, the only solution is to move....or earplugs.

He/she initially just asked could the music be turned down. But when they said they would at midnight they said it was "unacceptable".

OP 10 pm on a fri night is ot late at all. A midnight offer was relatively reasonable imo.

I agree with others get ear plugs or move out. Or would you stay in your house instead?

theteal

amdublin wrote: »

He/she initially just asked could the music be turned down. But when they said they would at midnight they said it was "unacceptable".

I skimmed over that bit (cat trying to lick my phone didn't help), the OP didn't help himself with that reaction. 'Unacceptable' is a strong retort where he should realise that the others would be doing him a favour by lowering the music.

Angry bird

OP, you are the one creating a problem in a house where you are a guest. Your girlfriend is well able to speak for herself I'm sure and now you've created a situation which may see her having to move out, and certainly things will be uncomfortable for her there for a while at least. Best if you stay away for a while and when you next turn up, apologise, that you overstepped the mark and leave it at that. I would probably have been more accommodating but your actions would have convinced me that you are no longer welcome in the house, hence my advice to apologise and walk away, not get drawn into another argument.

amdublin

Angry bird wrote: »

OP, you are the one creating a problem in a house where you are a guest. Your girlfriend is well able to speak for herself I'm sure and now you've created a situation which may see her having to move out, and certainly things will be uncomfortable for her there for a while at least. Best if you stay away for a while and when you next turn up, apologise, that you overstepped the mark and leave it at that. I would probably have been more accommodating but your actions would have convinced me that you are no longer welcome in the house, hence my advice to apologise and walk away, not get drawn into another argument.

OP do this ^^^

Angry bird

A few years back, I was staying at a friends house for a week sleeping in a sleeping bag in the sitting room while working at the Galway races. Very long hours, over 100 that week and I knew all the lads in the house well having stayed there regularly on a Saturday night. My friend and his cousins (who I had met a few times previously) came back after the night club around half two and proceeded to start a house party. After a few minutes I got up and let them know in no uncertain terms that there were a few people working early in the morning, stfu, and go to bed. They did. I made sure in the morning to apologise to the people that were actually living there, but they all agreed I was right, the cousins were a few years younger and that somebody needed to say something to them. Different situation, but I made sure to nip any problems in the bud with the people that mattered, my friend and the other tenants.

gordongekko

Angry bird wrote: »

A few years back, I was staying at a friends house for a week sleeping in a sleeping bag in the sitting room while working at the Galway races. Very long hours, over 100 that week and I knew all the lads in the house well having stayed there regularly on a Saturday night. My friend and his cousins (who I had met a few times previously) came back after the night club around half two and proceeded to start a house party. After a few minutes I got up and let them know in no uncertain terms that there were a few people working early in the morning, stfu, and go to bed. They did. I made sure in the morning to apologise to the people that were actually living there, but they all agreed I was right, the cousins were a few years younger and that somebody needed to say something to them. Different situation, but I made sure to nip any problems in the bud with the people that mattered, my friend and the other tenants.

playing a few tunes at 10pm on a friday and a house party after a night club are not similar in any way shape or form

Angry bird

gordongekko wrote: »

Angry bird wrote: »

A few years back, I was staying at a friends house for a week sleeping in a sleeping bag in the sitting room while working at the Galway races. Very long hours, over 100 that week and I knew all the lads in the house well having stayed there regularly on a Saturday night. My friend and his cousins (who I had met a few times previously) came back after the night club around half two and proceeded to start a house party. After a few minutes I got up and let them know in no uncertain terms that there were a few people working early in the morning, stfu, and go to bed. They did. I made sure in the morning to apologise to the people that were actually living there, but they all agreed I was right, the cousins were a few years younger and that somebody needed to say something to them. Different situation, but I made sure to nip any problems in the bud with the people that mattered, my friend and the other tenants.

playing a few tunes at 10pm on a friday and a house party after a night club are not similar in any way shape or form

Yes, but it wasn't my place, and like the OP I lost the cool but I knew it was my friend and felt free to let rip whereas if it was one of the other tenants and his mates, I wouldn't have.

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

I've been in my fair share of house shares in my time, in college and afterwards, and I was usually the quiet one. The number 1 pet hate was the OH of someone in the house practically moving themselves in rent free. 2nd was noisy housemates.

The fact that in the op the poster said the housemates said they'd call the guards for "them" living in a living room, makes me wonder if he's also a tenant or if he's outstayed his welcome. The fact he feels like it's his place to sort this out suggests he seems to have a notion that this is his right. The fact the girlfriend could go speak to them mid arguement would suggest she's well able to speak up for herself.

If a non paying guest in a house I was paying for started laying down the law to me, rest assured he'd never be in the house again.

Qualitymark

In civilised countries music and other noise - and even flushing toilets - are shut off at 10pm.

MarkAnthony

Ah never live with owner occupiers everyone is told. They're bolloxes everyone is told. My Lodger came in at 8pm last night absolutely shattered and went straight to bed. Cue the wife and I popping upstairs and letting the poor lad get some kip.

MarkAnthony

Qualitymark wrote: »

In civilised countries music and other noise - and even flushing toilets - are shut off at 10pm.

While I'm almost with you on the Ireland being some sort of wild west, the fact is the culture is different here. Many aspects of it annoy the crap out of me, many suit me down to the ground. If you're in digs 10pm on a Friday night is not unreasonable to be up and making use of a home you pay for.

Arbiter of Good Taste

The only thing the housemates did wrong was threaten to call the guards to report them living in a sitting room. That's just all kinds of stupid.

OP you and your girlfriend need to grow up. 10pm any night is not late. Many people working full time stressful jobs with a commute either end are up at that hour every day and still manage to function after 10pm every night. Your girlfriend attends lectures a few hours a week and works on Saturdays. Sorry, but it would be laughable if it wasn't so pathetic.

And the matter of you, a stranger, dictating to the people paying rent and bills. How dare you. Just how dare you. A few posters have already said if it was their home you would not be welcome in the future. Well if it was my house, you would have been out in the street that very minute.

Wabbit Ears

Courtesy is 10 Pm on school nights. Friday and Saturday nights are party nights.

Qualitymark

MarkAnthony wrote: »

If you're in digs 10pm on a Friday night is not unreasonable to be up and making use of a home you pay for.

If you were in 'digs' - boarding with a landlady - you certainly wouldn't be getting drunk on any night or you'd be swiftly out the door!

Wabbit Ears

Op's GF is not in digs and also, if the house owner wished to play music or party, the same rules apply as above..

qo2cj1dsne8y4k

Qualitymark wrote: »

If you were in 'digs' - boarding with a landlady - you certainly wouldn't be getting drunk on any night or you'd be swiftly out the door!

Which is probably why the housemates in question decided to rent on their own and not with a boarding lady

MarkAnthony

Qualitymark wrote: »

If you were in 'digs' - boarding with a landlady - you certainly wouldn't be getting drunk on any night or you'd be swiftly out the door!

Being from a civilised country digs mean something different to me. But granted different here.

athtrasna

OP you are in the wrong here as already pointed out. It's not the housemates fault that she works early on a Saturday, you should consider what would happen if the shoe was on the other foot.

For a start your gf should fight her own battles. Secondly she could ask a housemate to swap rooms so that she could be further away from the kitchen. Not having a living room is very difficult and leads to the over use of the kitchen so noise is probably a regular issue.

The alternative is for her to move.

TimeToShine

The sheer cheek of the OP barging in with the audacity to try and lay down the law in a house he doesn't live in. Unbelievable.

You need to stay out of this. It isn't your problem and more importantly you are not allowed to make it your problem. Everybody else cannot accommodate your girlfriends odd schedule. They were also right in complaining about your girlfriend making a lot of noise at 6am on a Saturday as a retort, something they were willing to sweep under the rug until you came out all guns blazing.

This post boils my blood. People like this are why housesharing is such a nightmare sometimes.

Rubberchikken

it can't be the first time they've partied on a friday night so has something happened to make them respond to your request for less noise this time?
they were being reasonable fair in agreeing to turn it off at midnight. maybe if you had been willing to accept that it would not have blown up like it did, but i realise you were maybe conscious of your oh having to get up early.
tbh it would have been better if she had asked, although they must have known she got up early on sat for work.

MadDog76

I'm guessing the Op regrets starting this thread!!!

Btw I agree that the Op is completely in the wrong here.

sonny.knowles

ShatterProof wrote: »

Its was a Friday night, 10 pm is not late.

Maybe these are not the digs you are looking for.

Classic, and you got a dig in too.

She sublets the dining room from one of the other renters - so the landlord doesn't know she is there - I would be looking for more appropriate accommodation.

Eugene Norman

<MOD SNIP >

Seems like an urban myth in terms of laws. Some house rules in Switzerland discourage showers or late night baths. No civilised country has any rules on music unless it affects people outside the house.

nikkibikki

If the music was stopped at midnight and she wasn't up til 6, that's still 6 hours sleep! I've gone to work on 4 or 5! 10yrs ago it would have been because of a night out. Last few yrs it's been down to babies!

OP, music at 10pm on a Friday night is not unreasonable at all. It's not as if she's up at 6am 5days a week and "only" getting 6 hours sleep a night! And never getting a chance to catch up. You need to apologise to her housemates and stay out of it in future or they won't allow u stay over. It's not their problem she has to be up at 6. I used to just get up out of bed and join the party if it happened somewhere I house shared. No point staying in my room trying to sleep! If you can't beat em, join em!

athtrasna

Mod note Sonny.Knowles please do not post on this thread again. At best your posts are off topic, at worst it's trolling.

Other posters please remember the rule, attack the post and not the poster. Thanks

Vision of Disorder

I'm in a minority here in that I do think it's inconsiderate to be playing loud music directly next door to somebody that you know has to get up early. Why not use a room upstairs like? That said the OP's girlfriend would have been well advised to go and have a word herself rather than sending the boyfriend who doesn't even live there. And 10pm is a bit early to be going off about it too I'll concede.

Many years ago I was sharing a house with friends and had a similar issue. Asked them politely to keep the noise down (it was a lot later than 10), they said they would, they did for a while before the noise levels started to escalate again (nothing deliberate I believe, just that the majority of drunks are morons). Went back to them, asked a bit more abruptly, again apologies and promises of quiet from the half dozen or so there (some housemates, some friends of theirs). Again, initially the noise dropped off before over time gradually rising up again. I ground my teeth and slept as best I could.

The following morning I was up before the sun and before leaving the house for the day I did the following. I selected my loudest, heaviest, angriest metal CD. I put the volume of my stereo to maximum. I pressed play, locked my bedroom door after me and left the house. Noise was never an issue again and we all lived happily ever after.

Whosthis

Vision of Disorder wrote: »

I'm in a minority here in that I do think it's inconsiderate to be playing loud music directly next door to somebody that you know has to get up early. Why not use a room upstairs like? That said the OP's girlfriend would have been well advised to go and have a word herself rather than sending the boyfriend who doesn't even live there. And 10pm is a bit early to be going off about it too I'll concede.

Many years ago I was sharing a house with friends and had a similar issue. Asked them politely to keep the noise down (it was a lot later than 10), they said they would, they did for a while before the noise levels started to escalate again (nothing deliberate I believe, just that the majority of drunks are morons). Went back to them, asked a bit more abruptly, again apologies and promises of quiet from the half dozen or so there (some housemates, some friends of theirs). Again, initially the noise dropped off before over time gradually rising up again. I ground my teeth and slept as best I could.

The following morning I was up before the sun and before leaving the house for the day I did the following. I selected my loudest, heaviest, angriest metal CD. I put the volume of my stereo to maximum. I pressed play, locked my bedroom door after me and left the house. Noise was never an issue again and we all lived happily ever after.

The old passive aggressive approach, I find that's usually the best way to deal with any issues.

housetypeb

Surely the girlfriend is subletting off of all three housemates rather than just one of them? Can't see her rent being used to offset only one tenants rent rather than all three.

Your well out of order op imo. Not only has you not right to say anything in a house you are only a guest but people having fun and playing music at 10pm on a Friday night is pretty much a standard thing in many houses. 10 pm is very early and you cannot expect people to tip toe around at that time when they want to relax and unwind after a weeks work.

If a housemates guest told me to keep noise down at 10pm any night of the week never mind a Friday they would be out the door straight away and banned from the house.

Also you mention they complained about early morning noise and you said it was only on Saturdays. This is probably the worst day of all for early morning noise as people like to sleep late on Saturdays to recharge after a weeks work.

riffmongous

Qualitymark wrote: »

In civilised countries music and other noise - and even flushing toilets - are shut off at 10pm.

Yep, in Germany and Austria this is the case

Schutz der Nachtruhe
Von 22.00 bis 06.00 Uhr ist es verboten, Lärm zu verursachen, durch den jemand in seiner Nachtruhe gestört werden kann.

From 10pm till 6am it is forbidden, to make noise that can disturb someone's 'night-peace', proper order too. If you want to make noise like having a party you have to inform/ask you're neighbours first and usually there is no problem if you are reasonable

MadDog76

riffmongous wrote: »

Yep, in Germany and Austria this is the case



From 10pm till 6am it is forbidden, to make noise that can disturb someone's 'night-peace', proper order too. If you want to make noise like having a party you have to inform/ask you're neighbours first and usually there is no problem if you are reasonable

Germany and Austria, really???

And here was me thinking that Germans/Austrians were the most chilled out, up for the craic, party animals on the planet!!

GLaDOS

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask housemates to keep the noise down a bit when you have to work the next morning. It's not a legal requirement or anything but a bit of compromise either way goes far when you have to live together.

The problem is, as a guest in the house, going in and telling them what is acceptable what isn't is never going to go down well. Tbh it sounds like they have other grievances, with both yourself and your girlfriend, that haven't aired before. It should have been your girlfriend handling it from the start, you going in and making demands likely got their back up.

Sounds like the relationship between your girlfriend and the other housemates has gone a bit sour. If they aren't willing to compromise, she either has to suck it up or look for somewhere else to live given the circumstances.

riffmongous

MadDog76 wrote: »

Germany and Austria, really???

And here was me thinking that Germans/Austrians were the most chilled out, up for the craic, party animals on the planet!!

Never hear of a small little party called Oktoberfest? People here party just as much, only there are proper laws to try prevent them disturbing others

athtrasna

Can we get back on topic please?

Mark Hamill

gordongekko wrote: »

i think you are the bully. What had it got to do with you?

Did you not read the post?
And this goes for everyone else with this strawman: I was asking (and then arguing) on behalf of my girlfriend, someone who pays to be in the house. My girlfriend doesn't like arguing, hence I was the one who asked first.

LexieOnRale wrote: »

The fact that in the op the poster said the housemates said they'd call the guards for "them" living in a living room, makes me wonder if he's also a tenant or if he's outstayed his welcome. The fact he feels like it's his place to sort this out suggests he seems to have a notion that this is his right. The fact the girlfriend could go speak to them mid arguement would suggest she's well able to speak up for herself.

You are reading into something that isn't there.
They were threatening to call the guards on my girlfriend, not me.
I don't live there, we haven't been going out long and I had only met 2 of the 3 tenants before this.
If someone is bullying my girlfriend, not to mention abusive and aggressive to me (and later her) then it damn sure is my right to stick up for her, who wouldn't stick up for their partner in that situation.
I had to convince my girlfriend to go talk to them.

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

OP you and your girlfriend need to grow up.

Grown up mature people recognise that their actions may hurt other people. Grown up mature people have the decency to not disturb people they know have to get up early.
Grown up mature people do not give a two-fingers attitude to reasonable requests because they want to get pissed off their heads and fck anyone else it's a nuisance to.

Arbiter of Good Taste wrote: »

And the matter of you, a stranger, dictating to the people paying rent and bills. How dare you. Just how dare you.

How dare me? What the hell is wrong with people? How dare they bully my girlfriend like that?

athtrasna wrote: »

OP you are in the wrong here as already pointed out. It's not the housemates fault that she works early on a Saturday, you should consider what would happen if the shoe was on the other foot.

If the shoe was on the other foot? I would keep it down! Why the hell wouldn't I? It's the decent thing to do, not to tell someone to get by on <6 hours sleep.

athtrasna wrote: »

The alternative is for her to move.

Why should she have to move? Why shouldn't they move into their own place if they want to make noise whenever they like?

TimeToShine wrote: »

They were also right in complaining about your girlfriend making a lot of noise at 6am on a Saturday as a retort, something they were willing to sweep under the rug until you came out all guns blazing.

It was a BS retort, she doesn't make noise when she leaves for work (she gets up, dresses and is out the door in <15 minutes). It was "I know you are, but what am I" style childishness.

housetypeb wrote: »

Surely the girlfriend is subletting off of all three housemates rather than just one of them? Can't see her rent being used to offset only one tenants rent rather than all three.

I'm not sure. She pays the same one each month, I'd imagine he is sharing it with the others (although I guess they could be subletting off him too).

riffmongous wrote: »

From 10pm till 6am it is forbidden, to make noise that can disturb someone's 'night-peace', proper order too. If you want to make noise like having a party you have to inform/ask you're neighbours first and usually there is no problem if you are reasonable

They were in the kitchen since before 6. If they had let us know any time before I went into them after 10 then there wouldn't have been the same issue. It's what we do where I live, let the other tenants know if you are planning to be noisy at night. It's just common decency.

ScienceNerd wrote: »

I don't think it's unreasonable to ask housemates to keep the noise down a bit when you have to work the next morning. It's not a legal requirement or anything but a bit of compromise either way goes far when you have to live together.

The problem is, as a guest in the house, going in and telling them what is acceptable what isn't is never going to go down well. Tbh it sounds like they have other grievances, with both yourself and your girlfriend, that haven't aired before. It should have been your girlfriend handling it from the start, you going in and making demands likely got their back up.

Sounds like the relationship between your girlfriend and the other housemates has gone a bit sour. If they aren't willing to compromise, she either has to suck it up or look for somewhere else to live given the circumstances.

Who I am is irrelevant, I was there on her behalf.
The whole "this isn't acceptable" came up after trying to explain to them about my girlfriend getting up and their attitude of complete dismissal (it wasn't the second thing I said, I'll admit the OP does make it seem like that).
Apparently my girlfriend has had a bullying problem with one of them for a while now. The tenant has been obnoxious and rude to her in the past and is of the opinion that my girlfriend shouldn't say boo to her.

Penny Tration

How were they bullying your girlfriend?

Playing music at 10pm on a Friday night is not even close to bullying.

Mark Hamill

Penny Tration wrote: »

How were they bullying your girlfriend?

Playing music at 10pm on a Friday night is not even close to bullying.

Their abusive attitude after reasonable requests to turn the music down was the bullying. They were physically in my face when I was talking to them ( I seriously thought on them, a girl, was going to take a swing at me) and when my girlfriend was there, the more aggressive one got in her face while the other tried to distract me. If it was a work place, they would have been fired.

TimeToShine

Mark Hamill wrote: »

Their abusive attitude after reasonable requests to turn the music down was the bullying. They were physically in my face when I was talking to them ( I seriously thought on them, a girl, was going to take a swing at me) and when my girlfriend was there, the more aggressive one got in her face while the other tried to distract me. If it was a work place, they would have been fired.

You're not getting it. You are only in the house as a matter of courtesy, you are simply not allowed to involve yourself in these things. Your presence in that kitchen is an offence to the other housemates, let alone you trying to tell them to stfu.

To put it more succinctly using your own example; if were a work place, you wouldn't be there.

athtrasna

OP the bottom line is that it's the housemates' home as much as it's your girlfriends. They are entitled to enjoy the home, especially on a Friday night. Midnight is a fair cut off IMO, it's not their fault she works early on a Saturday. And you have no right to get involved in this, as has been said by others, you are risking the housemates refusing you access to the house if you continue to interfere.

As for why your girlfriend should move, well if she can't embrace the ups and downs of sharing this house then it's clearly not for her. Expecting music to be turned off at 10pm on a Friday night indicates that she isn't suited for this kind of house-share.

Penny Tration

Mark Hamill wrote: »

Their abusive attitude after reasonable requests to turn the music down was the bullying. They were physically in my face when I was talking to them ( I seriously thought on them, a girl, was going to take a swing at me) and when my girlfriend was there, the more aggressive one got in her face while the other tried to distract me. If it was a work place, they would have been fired.

You weren't reasonable. you told them that turning it off at midnight was unacceptable.

They offered a fair and reasonable compromise and you, a guest, threw it back in their faces.

If it was a workplace, your girlfriend would be sacked for allowing her boyfriend make unreasonable demands of other staff.

irelandrover

So the housemates have to be quiet every Friday night as your girlfriend gets up at 6am. The one time they weren't someone who isn't even living in the house told them to stfu?