Should adult children have house keys?

LegacyUser

Should adult children who have long left home have the keys to their parents home when there are still other siblings living there?

I'm female 32, just me and my mother at home, and have one sister and five brothers. two of the older brothers have been given keys due to me having to travel to the UK a few times recently and my mother has asthma. But i'm back now and won't have to make further trips, but they still have the keys and let themselves in whenever they like, 10am, 10pm and when neither of us are there. I'm used to my privacy, not worrying about being fully dressed etc and don't like the idea of someone being able to enter my house randomly.

How can I approach this without causing friction or hurting anyone?

Also, should they even have a key if they don't live here?

and if so, should rules apply to their use of the key?

opinions appreciated.

Danjamin1

I'd say it's down to your mother's discretion as the homeowner. Your still living there has nothing to do with the arrangement unless you discuss it with your mother & come to an agreement with her. Her house, her rules.

Personally my brother still lives in the family home but both myself & my sister have keys to the house. I ring in advance as a courtesy if I'm dropping down to see him, however wouldn't think twice about dropping in to the house if I needed to & knew he wasn't there.

questionmark?

Have the Keys to my own house, my parents house, my siblings house and the in laws house as well. Would normally ring if I was on my way but would have no issue letting myself in to the family home if they were not.

Everyone is differant but some families don't mind sharing their space when required. Good chance your brothers see it as their home as much of you.

Celly Smunt

It's just as much there house as yours really, whatever way you bring it up its going to be them saying if you don't like it then move out.

woodchuck

I wouldn't say anything. It's your mothers house, she can give a key to whoever she wants.

Ursus Horribilis

The way you're talking you'd swear you were the owner of the house and that random strangers were walking in on you.

I've still got the keys to my parents house and so do my siblings. We tend to let our parents know when we're going to call but to all intents and purposes, home is still home. To be honest, if I had a brother or sister at home who wanted me to hand my key over like what you want to do, I'd feel aggrieved.

If you want to walk around home in a state of undress then why don't you just go get your own place? It sounds like what you're treating your mum's house as anyway.

ElleEm

I agree with the other posters. It is their family home too. I still have the key to my parent's house and let myself in all the time. That will never change! My siblings all have keys too, even one who never lived in this house with us. Unless you own the house, your mother gets the final say but I would personally think it is unfair for you to try calling the shots just because you never moved out.

LegacyUser

Zu333 wrote: »

and don't like the idea of someone being able to enter my house randomly.

But it's not your house, its your mothers house. Even if your paying rent etc it's still her house and if she wants her kids to have keys then that's her call.

I moved out of home 20 odd years now and I still have a key to my parents house and they have given me new keys when they got a new door put in.

LegacyUser

Can't move out as I care for my mother, she needs me here on a daily basis due to health etc. One of the brothers has the key because he found the spare and just took it, he hasn't lived here for over 30 years and hasn't ever had a key. the other is a similar case.
It is my home, where I live and I would think I'm entitled to privacy. Also, relationships have not always been good, previous feuds and falling outs. I don't feel right about it. I don't have keys to their houses. I now need to hide confidential letters etc, never had to do this before. Might as well live in a hostel.

maryk123

You see I agree with you. They are not living there ok it's the family home however you are there with your mother and others should respect your privacy. I agree what if you were half undressed or in bed and they call and wake you and your mother up. Talk to your mother about it. Only other way is to change the locks tell them you "lost" your keys. Do you have keys to their house...... Does your mother have keys for their house..... I bet the answer is no.

miezekatze

We both have keys to my OH's parents house and both of his adult sisters still live there. We would never just let ourselves in if anyone's home though, always use the doorbell and let them know in advance that we're coming. They also have a key to our house and use the doorbell when we're home, and they never show up unannounced either. Maybe you can come to an arrangement like this with your brothers too.

eviltwin

I have keys to my mother in laws house. It's purely for emergency purposes, she has keys to ours for the same reason. In twenty years I've never once used them while she's been there, I would always use the doorbell. It's just a respect thing. It's their space, not mine and I'd say the same about the OPs home. It's her space, privacy needs to be respected. However it's your mother's house and if she wants the others to have keys it's here call but you do need clear boundaries in place regarding when and how they are used.

Raminahobbin

My brothers and I all have keys to my parents house and come and go whenever we please, with no notice unless it's mentioned in conversation. I would have thought this was normal... I could understand if it's the kind of house where everyone is told to move out as soon as they are finished college, and the parents REALLY value their privacy and expressly state that unannounced drop-ins are unwelcome- but not many (Irish anyway) homes are like this. I know my mother would be very upset if we felt the need to check first before coming in, and if any of us knocked or rang the doorbell she'd look at us like we had 10 heads.

Frankly OP, if you don't like it you should move. It's down to your parents how they want to operate in this respect.

Rachiee

I think absolutely they should have keys. It's the family home every one has a right to be there and feel comfortable there. I would say though that I never use the key to the family home unless it's very late (and I've already told them I'm coming over) or I was popping in for a quick visit and they weren't back from the shops yet or something.
I wouldn't go changing locks or asking for keys back or anything you won't be able to do that without getting people's backs up.( The family home is a bit of a sacred space and if you're trying to lay more claim to it than them they'll get defensive)
what you could do the next time they drop in unannounced at an awkward time, ask them to text you to let you know in advance next time, (you can make a joke about being decent or something)

rainbowtrout

can't log in wrote: »

But it's not your house, its your mothers house. Even if your paying rent etc it's still her house and if she wants her kids to have keys then that's her call.

I moved out of home 20 odd years now and I still have a key to my parents house and they have given me new keys when they got a new door put in.

Same with me. Gone 15 years and when they got a new door 10 years ago I was given a key the next time I was home for the weekend. I suppose it's because they see it as the family home so if I'm going home for a weekend and no one is home I can let myself in instead of sitting outside the door like a pleb. That, and i can come and go for the few days while I'm there. I don't think my mother would appreciate getting up late at night to let me in if I was out for drinks and a catch up with friends. Much easier to let myself in.

zu333 wrote: »

Can't move out as I care for my mother, she needs me here on a daily basis due to health etc. One of the brothers has the key because he found the spare and just took it, he hasn't lived here for over 30 years and hasn't ever had a key. the other is a similar case.
It is my home, where I live and I would think I'm entitled to privacy. Also, relationships have not always been good, previous feuds and falling outs. I don't feel right about it. I don't have keys to their houses. I now need to hide confidential letters etc, never had to do this before. Might as well live in a hostel.

Is this because they go snooping through your stuff when they drop in, or is is it that you feel your privacy is compromised even though they don't do anything like that?

rock22

I am surprised by all , or most, of the replies to this.

You have an absolute right to privacy, especially if you are living there because you are looking after your mother. i think you need to talk to her though, as she is the owner of the house.

No other family members have a right, or a need, to keys. that doesn't preclude giving them a key if you are away or in an emergency.

Have you raised this with your mother or other siblings?

Ursus Horribilis

zu333 wrote: »

..Also, relationships have not always been good, previous feuds and falling outs. I don't feel right about it. I don't have keys to their houses. I now need to hide confidential letters etc, never had to do this before. Might as well live in a hostel.

Now, see all of this throws a completely different light. Most if not all of us have been advising you from the perspective of having good relationships with our brothers and sisters. What you're describing is outside the norm.

All I can advise you to do is chat to your mother and see what she says.

LegacyUser

rock22 wrote: »

I am surprised by all , or most, of the replies to this.

You have an absolute right to privacy, especially if you are living there because you are looking after your mother. i think you need to talk to her though, as she is the owner of the house.

No other family members have a right, or a need, to keys. that doesn't preclude giving them a key if you are away or in an emergency.

Have you raised this with your mother or other siblings?

The OPs question was should adult children have keys to their parents home and the vast majority feel they should if the parents want them to. The issue of the brothers coming in and going through private mail or intruding on the OP is a separate matter. Her siblings should be able to have keys but should also be able to respect the OPs privacy. She has no right to demand the keys back or change locks but she should sit down with her siblings and ask they ring before dropping over and to respect her and their mother and not go through drawers/mail if thats what they have been doing.

I will say it does sound like you view the house as yours OP and you should be careful how you discuss this with your siblings as you could end up with a massive fallout if they think your looking to inherit the house from your mother with you getting no say. Why are you acting as sole career for your mother? This comment that you'll not need to be away again sounds like your siblings are either not helping or your not allowing them to help out with your mother.

rainbowtrout

Odus fell down wrote: »

Now, see all of this throws a completely different light. Most if not all of us have been advising you from the perspective of having good relationships with our brothers and sisters. What you're describing is outside the norm.

All I can advise you to do is chat to your mother and see what she says.

I'd agree. At the end of the day it might be the OP's home, but it is the mothers house and if she is happy to have her sons coming and going I'm not sure what the OP can do about it. It really does depend on how much it is impacting on privacy and whether the brothers are taking advantage in some way, or going through the OP's personal belongings as has been implied.

Maybe a chat to the mother might be in order first and then a chat to the brothers if the mother is in agreement.

LegacyUser

Could you leave the key in the door so that they can't get in without knocking when you are there? Is there a reason why they go over when no one is there?

The best way to approach it is just to be honest and say "Look I know this is the family home but at the moment this is my 'home' home and I'm used to my own privacy and would really appreciate if you knocked instead of just walking in because I could be running around naked for all you know haha

sinny65

I think adult children absolutely have a right to have keys. No matter what age you are, it's still their family home. I have a key to my parents house and would be so insulted if my sister asked me to return it.

LegacyUser

sinny65 wrote: »

I think adult children absolutely have a right to have keys. No matter what age you are, it's still their family home. I have a key to my parents house and would be so insulted if my sister asked me to return it.

And does your sister have a key to your home and can she walk in when she likes? Why is your home not a family-anyone can -have- key home

I do not buy the still the family home line. if so why don't the op's brothers care for her mum.

listermint

Genuine question does asthma warrant a carer ?

Are you staying there ultimately because its cheaper and it suits you.

Fluffy Cat 88

I have a key for my parent's house, I moved out 10 years ago. I live close-by so its handy for them if they're away on holidays etc. I switch on lights, close/open curtains (burglary rampant in our area) so the house looks lived in. I feed their cats etc when they're away.

If its privacy you have an issue with, why not lock some of the internal doors - your own bedroom for example, keep your letters bills etc in a small lockable filing cabinet.

R.D. aka MR.D

You say that you'd be better off in a hostel but you could think of it like being in a house share. In house shares, I'd never leave sensitive letters lying around or walk around naked. In house shares, you never know who is going to bring a friend over etc.

Is it a possibility for you to buy/build a house very near to your mother's house if you want to continue caring for her?

My mother hasn't lived in her home house for 33 years but she still goes in and out whenever she wants. She always did even when my uncle lived there. My grandparents never had a problem with it.

I haven't lived at home for 11years now and wouldn't think twice about going into my parents house. They tell me it'll always be my home so I feel that way.

Dial Hard

zu333 wrote:

Can't move out as I care for my mother, she needs me here on a daily basis due to health etc. One of the brothers has the key because he found the spare and just took it, he hasn't lived here for over 30 years and hasn't ever had a key. the other is a similar case. It is my home, where I live and I would think I'm entitled to privacy. Also, relationships have not always been good, previous feuds and falling outs. I don't feel right about it. I don't have keys to their houses. I now need to hide confidential letters etc, never had to do this before. Might as well live in a hostel.

No, sorry, not buying it. I had to move back in to my family home after my marriage broke up and all my other siblings still had keys and could (and did) come and go from the house as they pleased. No-one would ever go into my room uninvited or anything like that, but I certainly didn't expect to be able to go swanning around the house in my nip just because it was "my home where I live".

It's not your house, OP, you need to remember that. It might be your home, but it's not your house.

orthsquel

I wouldn't be from a typical Irish background so some of the responses is a bit different for me. I think the part that I'd focus on is that I think OP when you are living anywhere but a house/home you own or lease by yourself, you can only ever expect limited privacy in a house share or even living in the family home, regardless if people have keys to access the house or not. Even if people didn't have keys, they could still be popping over unexpected, or maybe other extended family or friends could be staying over and being put up rather than paying for accommodation. So you'd still find yourself with the issue of lack of privacy.

Is your mother aware that your brother found and took the spare key? Is she aware of who is entering her house and who has keys? Is she aware that people are letting themselves in when she isn't there? And is she happy that whoever has keys has them and lets themselves in whenever it suits?

Danjamin1

listermint wrote: »

Genuine question does asthma warrant a carer ?

Are you staying there ultimately because its cheaper and it suits you.

Yeah this struck me as odd.

Not discounting the fact the OP's mother may be infirm, require care for any number of reasons, etc. But asthma alone is an odd one to call out...

OP sorry to say but you may just have to learn to put up with it and safeguard your own sensitive material.

Of course they should have keys to their home house. I could never see myself not having a key to home as I'm home regularly and sometimes when my parents are away etc I'd still want to stay at home for the weekend due to stuff going on or keeping an eye on the farm for them. Our door is only locked at night anyway so the only need for a key is coming in late or when they aren't there other wise we just walk in.

Even neighbours etc would come in the back door and knock on the inside door if they want something never mind family members.

miamee

Zu333 wrote: »

Should adult children who have long left home have the keys to their parents home when there are still other siblings living there?

I'm female 32, just me and my mother at home, and have one sister and five brothers. two of the older brothers have been given keys due to me having to travel to the UK a few times recently and my mother has asthma. But i'm back now and won't have to make further trips, but they still have the keys and let themselves in whenever they like, 10am, 10pm and when neither of us are there. I'm used to my privacy, not worrying about being fully dressed etc and don't like the idea of someone being able to enter my house randomly.

How can I approach this without causing friction or hurting anyone?

Also, should they even have a key if they don't live here?

and if so, should rules apply to their use of the key?

opinions appreciated.

Should adult children have keys? Yes, if their parents want them to. We all have ours and are expected to use them rather than expecting our parents to get up to answer the door to us when we call.
Judging by the replies on the thread most parents are happy for their children to retain keys to the family home and treat it like such. You mentioned you are "used to your privacy" - have you lived elsewhere and now had to move home for some reason? To take care of your mother or for some other reason?
Regardless, who has keys is not up to just you but something you should discuss with your mother first since you are sharing the home together. If she is happy with the situation then there is not much you can do other than perhaps ask that people knock when coming in as you may not be decent, may have company, etc.

LegacyUser

I have keys to my parents house (our old family home) but would always ring the doorbell first when calling to them. I think it is only right not to walk in on top of people unannounced no matter who they are. It might be our old family home but they deserve their privacy too.

LegacyUser

Your mother owns the house. She is entitled to give keys to anyone she wishes. Your siblings own their own houses, equally they are entitled to give keys to whomever they please! Just because they hold keys to your home, doesn't automatically mean you are entitled to hold keys to their houses.

We all have a key to "home". At different times different siblings moved back home for various reasons. Just because 1 sibling moved home, didn't mean that the rest of us changed how we always came and went in the house! When I moved out my mother made a point of telling me "This will always be your home, and you will always be able to come back at any time". Obviously she said the same to the others, as a few of them did!! Like other posters, if I knock on my parents door, the door is opened with "Do you not have your key?".

I'm getting an underlying sense of tension and resentment from your post. Maybe you don't like that fact that you are the one at home with your mother, and your brothers are coming and going as they please. But, certainly in many Irish homes, having a key to "home" is normal. And walking in without knocking is also normal.

SAMTALK

sinny65 wrote: »

I think adult children absolutely have a right to have keys. No matter what age you are, it's still their family home. I have a key to my parents house and would be so insulted if my sister asked me to return it.

A right to have keys??? I have keys to my parents house but I dont think I have a right to them. My parents gave them to me but I would always ring the bell and only use keys if they were away. They also have keys to my house and my siblings house. These keys are in case of emergencies or if someone found themselves locked out but no way would any of us ever use the keys otherwise. We come and go to each others houses and if back door is open we go in but if locked we ring bell, Courtesy really..

Micky Dolenz

I don't have keys to my parents home but I never lived there, neither do my siblings.

If I were in a situation similar to yours, I wouldn't want to piss off my siblings or upset people. I would pay to get the lock changed and give my Ma a key. Chances are you're siblings won't bother getting a key cut and will have to use the bell like everyone else.

Ok, it's a bit underhanded but noone gets their feelings hurt.

beyondbelief67

I have bad asthma, it was bad enough to receive disability allowance for, yet I dont need a carer?
My mother had copd, never needed a carer, nor my grandmother who had very bad emphashima, and was On oxygen, yet she would of chased a carer!
So unless there are other health issues I'm not buying the asthma reason for you needing to live there either, oh and your mothers asthma might improve too, nine did!
Also all my children have keys to their home and always will, it will always be their home no matter what age they are.
I couldn't imagine ever taking the keys Off them.even my eldest who hasn't lived at home for ten year's!

LegacyUser

These threads really irritate me sometimes, why are people questioning OP as to why she still lives at home at 32? So what! It doesn't affect your life so why interrogate her like she's a criminal. It's always the same.

In response to your query OP, I think you need to leave your personal stuff in your room. That solves that, and if your siblings have keys and your Mam is happy with that then there is nothing you can do about that but accept it.

LegacyUser

Micky Dolenz wrote: »

I don't have keys to my parents home but I never lived there, neither do my siblings.

If I were in a situation similar to yours, I wouldn't want to piss off my siblings or upset people. I would pay to get the lock changed and give my Ma a key. Chances are you're siblings won't bother getting a key cut and will have to use the bell like everyone else.

Ok, it's a bit underhanded but noone gets their feelings hurt.

I think the OP is just opening themselves up to a big family feud if they do this. Her siblings may see it as her trying to stake a claim to the family home and cut them out of any inhertiance. It's not a nice way to think about your parents but many families have had huge fall outs over things just like this.

She either talks to her mother whose choice it is or talks to the siblings and asks they call first before dropping over.

Taboola

What does your mother think about them having keys?

AgileMyth

Have keys for both my parents houses despite not even living in the country any more. Would feel very strange knocking on either of their doors.

That doesn't change based on who else they have in the house.

rainbow kirby

I have keys for the family home, but given that I don't live in Ireland any more any visits are very well planned and they always know I'm coming! It's up to whoever owns the house though.

Dial Hard

Micky Dolenz wrote:

If I were in a situation similar to yours, I wouldn't want to piss off my siblings or upset people. I would pay to get the lock changed and give my Ma a key. Chances are you're siblings won't bother getting a key cut and will have to use the bell like everyone else.

Ok, it's a bit underhanded but noone gets their feelings hurt.

If one of my siblings moved home and took it upon themselves to change the locks there'd be fcuking world war 3. That is the absolute height of self-entitlement.

ElleEm

Dial Hard wrote: »

If one of my siblings moved home and took it upon themselves to change the locks there'd be fcuking world war 3.

My parents changed their front door lock years ago and never told us. Over the space of a month or so, each of my siblings and I went to their house and couldn't get in! It was not recieved as the hint it could have been! They would be dumped as parents if we weren't given a key!

Micky Dolenz

Dial Hard wrote: »

If one of my siblings moved home and took it upon themselves to change the locks there'd be fcuking world war 3. That is the absolute height of self-entitlement.

Hang on a second, it was changed as it was damaged. Wanna help me pay for the replacement? I'll cut you a copy when I get a chance.

L1011

I find it odd that one of my siblings *doesn't* have a key to the parents house when the rest of us do; but the family background is from rural Donegal where you just leave the door unlocked when you're in and people just walk in so that might have coloured it a bit.

I let myself in to my parents house whenever needed - have a key and a fob for the alarm. Parents would find it extremely strange if I started knocking.

Ellie2008

If have to agree with most other posters OP it isn't your house, it is your mother's house & quite frankly I don't think you even have the right to raise this with your mother. If your mother has an issue with it let her think of it herself, your brothers are her children just as much as you are & it is their family home just as much as it is yours. If your mother decides with no input from you that she doesn't like it let her discuss it with them herself, it's none of your business.

And re what you said in your OP about "being able to enter my house randomly", it isn't your house.

If you are able to travel your mother doesn't require 24 hour care, I've known some v bad asthma suffers none of them required a carer, including a man in his 70 s who had to sit with a nebuliser for ages as soon as he woke up, move out down the road if your privacy is so important to somewhere that really is "your house" & care for her from there.

suicide_circus

If this is a big enough deal for you, I would make moves to move out. If your mother really needs you as a 24/7 carer, she won't be long in retrieving the keys from your siblings. Your siblings will probably hand them back if there's a danger they'll have to put in a shift looking after your mother.

Penn

I don't know about "should", but it's more common than not. Ultimately, it's your mother's house, not yours. And like another poster said, it's almost like an owner-occupied houseshare. You have a reasonable expectation of privacy in private areas, but not throughout the whole house.

bucketybuck

zu333 wrote: »

Also, relationships have not always been good, previous feuds and falling outs.

Considering the lack of trust shown in the OP i'm not surprised you don't get along. These aren't strangers ffs, these are your siblings going back to their mothers house, you are basically saying that they should have no right to do so without your permission just because you are lodging there.

If you don't like your family and wish they were not in your life then thats your call, but I would suggest you don't dare force that on your mother. Move out and get your own place and you can sit with the doors locked and blinds drawn all you want.

I haven't lived back at home for around 15 years now, but when I go up at christmas you can be sure I won't be knocking the front door and waiting to be allowed in, and I would get some very strange looks if I was. (I don't actually have a key right now, its a rural area so I wouldn't need one, the door will be open).

If I found out that one of my sisters was saying I was not welcome there...

Neyite

Everyone has entitlement to a level of privacy in their home. Having a door key as an adult does not entitle anyone to rifle through a persons private letters or documents because they happen to be stored in what was the home they grew up in.

suicide_circus wrote: »

If this is a big enough deal for you, I would make moves to move out. If your mother really needs you as a 24/7 carer, she won't be long in retrieving the keys from your siblings. Your siblings will probably hand them back if there's a danger they'll have to put in a shift looking after your mother.

I think this is your best option OP. If you are the only carer out of your siblings for your mum you have a nice ace up your sleeve to play.

You don't need to be confrontational, or issue ultimatums. What I would do is firstly store away any private letters in your bedroom away from the living areas. Then hide the really private stuff somewhere they'll never find it. Then, when you see evidence of snooping, bring it up with your siblings that 'someone' has been looking at your stuff. and drop a heavy hint about moving out.

Alternatively, get a lock for your room door for when you are out of the house.

On another forum there was a thread where a woman's mother in law was constantly letting herself into their house during the day and snooping drawers, bedside tables and so on. The suggestions of things for her to find were hilarious. Eventually the OP settled on filling out immigration forms for her and her husband permanent visas for Australia, complete with "reply" that their visa was being processed etc, and stashing them in her bedside table. Cue an agitated MIL for weeks and finally she had no option but to blurt out what she saw when she snooped.

So, if you are tempted to have a little mischief with it, thats one idea? There are a few more good ones on the thread too. :P

JeffKenna

If as you say you have no option but to stay and be a carer for your mother then I agree 100% that your siblings should not have keys. You are giving up a lot to care for your mother and in return are entitled to privacy and eventually for the house to come to you solely.

However if you're mother does not really need a carer and this is an easy excuse for you to stay at home I feel that each sibling should have a key if they so wish.

Ellie2008

JeffKenna wrote: »

If as you say you have no option but to stay and be a carer for your mother then I agree 100% that your siblings should not have keys. You are giving up a lot to care for your mother and in return are entitled to privacy and eventually for the house to come to you solely.

However if you're mother does not really need a carer and this is an easy excuse for you to stay at home I feel that each sibling should have a key if they so wish.

Are you kidding?! That s an awful lot of assumptions for you to make. She is "entitled for the house to come to her solely", why not make it official that she s in it for the money and charge by the hour?! What happened to taking care of the woman who raised you out of the goodness of your heart? I can imagine I will eventually end up looking after my surviving parent as my sibling lives abroad, I won't be looking for my sibling to get less inheritence because of it.

It's her mothers house the OP can expect privacy in her bedroom, outside of that it's her mothers house let her mother call the shots.