unplanned pregnancy

LegacyUser

It's what the title says, i have just missed my period and have taken a clear blue digital pregnancy test and it says i am pregnant 1-2 weeks. Which i guess is really one month pregnant. The problem is that its not a good time. I have a 3 year old and when i was pregnant on her, i had preeclampsia very badly. I had to have her early and suffered one year after birth with high blood pressure and was very very sick. I was over weight when i got pregnant at 90kg and my weigh went up to 105kg. Very heavy. My husband and I said that if i was every to get pregnant again i would need to be in a healthy weigh range. I was on an antibiotic which cancelled out my pill and this is why i'm now in this situation. I currently weigh 110kg and at 5ft 6 in its bad. i feel because of my weight i have no choice but to get an abortion. I am no seeking medical advice on boards. i have an appointment with a clinic next week to discuss my options. I just need some outsiders prospective as i feel so negative and scared.

January

As an overweight woman (5'2" and just over 100kg) I have had nothing but healthy pregnancies. I know you had problems with pre-eclempsia but the doctors know this and will monitor you.

It's honestly your choice, I would never try to talk someone out of an abortion but don't feel you have to have one just because you are over weight. Every pregnancy is different.

GardeningGirl

Hi I'm sorry to hear you were unwell before.
You know your situation best but regardless of what you think, im sure it will be a mistake to have a termination in the long run.
Don't make a rush decision - you have a little bit of time to talk it over.
Also I would make sure ye make a joint decision and not the preference of just one of you.
Hope it works out, every thing happens for a reason.
Thinking of you, all the best.

Kaylami

Please bear in mind that just because you had pre eclampsia on one pregnancy does not necessarily mean you will get it again.

I had pre e on my first pregnancy and haven't had it on my next 3.
I think weight gas very little bearing on it as I would have been at my thinnest on my first and overweight since .

cruais

I have a 7 week old and suffered with pre eclampsia. My doctor told me at my 6 week check up that the chances of getting pre eclampsia for a 2nd time was 1 in 500.

Whatever decision you make, make sure you do it for you and nobody else.

Best of luck

Dolbert

Every pregnancy is different OP, there's every chance you won't have the same issues this time, and losing weight is no guarantee of a problem free pregnancy either. In fact any woman I know who suffered with pre-e was a normal weight. Some points to consider anyway.

LegacyUser

Everything that I've been reading says I've a higher chance of it again cause i've already suffered from it before. My stomach is in knots from fear. My husband is absolutely against having this baby.

Toots

I think you'd be better off speaking to a doctor about the risks. A friend of mine just had a baby early due to pre e and her doc said she wasn't at increased risk of having it again just cos she had it this time.

If the pre e and weight weren't an issue, would you be happy to be pregnant again?

January

There's a few different issues at play here. Firstly your medical issues, you really need to speak to a doctor (not a counsellor, a doctor, preferably an obstetrician) about your fears here.

Secondly, there's your husband. Does he not want this pregnancy because he is scared for you, or does he just not want another baby? You really need to sit down and discuss this with him in detail.

eviltwin

I think both you and your husband need to see a pregnancy counsellor. You don't want your potential health issues clouding things. If you do decide the end the pregnancy it has to be because its what you want, not because someone else is putting pressure on you. I understand your concern re pre-eclampsia. I had it with both my children but once you've had it on one you will be very carefully monitored on any subsequent pregnancy for it. And as others have said it may not even be an issue this time around. There are a lot of things going on for you at the moment, a lot of things you are understandably concerned about but this is a huge decision. Contact Positive Options and talk to someone, even if its just you on your own.

pwurple

I understand your fear about pre-eclampsia. One of my very close friends was undiagnosed, she had full eclamptic fits, very frightening. However, like others have said, it has nothing to do with your weight. Yes you are higher risk, but that's a risk, not a guarantee.

Ask your GP to refer you to the early pregnancy unit to discuss with an obgyn.

Your husband is obviously frightened for your health too. Bring him along.

LegacyUser

Thanks for replies. It's true there are two issues. My health and my husband. I have made an appointment with a clinic to discuss my options on Thursday and talk with someone. After that I will speak to doctor. My husband is worries about my health but he is adamant he wants no more kids. He likes our life the way it is. He won't even entertain having this baby and shuts any conversation down until Thursday. He is 100% for abortion and is willing to travel etc. I on the other hand would love a baby if I was skinnier and healthy weight first. My health issues on previous one is what is scaring.me not the baby. I understand that its my body but it does affect the both of us afterwards. I cant force another baby on him. We are very happily married btw.

LegacyUser

My health and my husband. I have made an appointment with a clinic to discuss my options on Thursday and talk with someone. After that I will speak to doctor. My husband is worries about my health but he is adamant he wants no more kids. He likes our life the way it is. He won't even entertain having this baby and shuts any conversation down until Thursday. He is 100% for abortion and is willing to travel etc. I on the other hand would love a baby if I was skinnier and healthy weight first. My health issues on previous one is what is scaring.me not the baby. I understand that its my body but it does affect the both of us afterwards. I cant force another baby on him. We are very happily married btw.

pwurple

Doesn't sound particularly happily married if you can't even discuss something without him shutting the conversation down.

LegacyUser

I've gone anonymous to post this as its something I rarely talk about. I got pregnant with my now husband after 4 months together. I was only 19 and terrified and knew both our families would feel so let down and I couldn't handle seeing that disappointment in them. After what was probably too short a consideration, we decided to have an abortion. I was ok with it at the time and never really accepted I was pregnant. The abortion was fine and quick and painless. However, the after effects were so much different. I suffered with bad anxiety and panic attacks for years. They sort of crept up on me and suddenly they controlled my life. I'm not saying it was a bad decision for us, in fact I think it was the right decision but just think carefully about it and be sure to go to a counsellor or someone to talk about how you feel. I think society here places a huge amount of shame and guilt on a woman who takes this route. I hope whatever decision you make is the right one for both you and your family. Take care.

Lucuma

Wow a complex situation, I don't envy you OP.
On the one hand if ye decide to go to UK, you could hold it against your husband forever (even in a passive agressive way) and it could affect your marriage.
On the other hand, if you refuse to go to UK, and there are myriad problems in the future and your lives are affected not in a good way due to the pregnancy/extra child then he could hold it against you for refusing to go to UK (even in a passive agressive way)

To prevent this affecting your marriage either way some very deep and open conversations are going to have to be had between the two of ye in the next few weeks. I am kind of a believer that it's the woman's body it's the woman's choice but you want to do it in such a way that you protect your marriage/family as well.
Good luck making the decision x

Toots

Before you got pregnant were you aware that your husband didn't want any more children? From your first post it seems like your hubby would have been open to the idea, if your health were better, however now he doesn't want any more kids full stop, and will not entertain any discussion about it. This seems horribly unfair on you - you're unexpectedly pregnant, worried about your health and now your hubby is pretty much insisting on an abortion?

Dolbert

OP that's a horrible situation You say that you can't force a child on him, but can he really force an abortion on you? It sounds like you don't want to go through with that, and it's woefully unfair of him to refuse to even discuss it. Make your decision based on what you can live with, personally if my husband continued to be so unsupportive where I needed it most it'd mean the end of my marriage. It's possible he's reacting out of shock, hopefully for everyone's sake he'll be willing to talk about it soon.

handlemaster

As a Man I think your mad to think of an abortion just because your husband is against it (having a baby)particularly as you say that you would be happy with another baby . If the doctors give the go ahead that it could be managed you should ask for your husbands support. Marraige in my opinion will suffer anyhow if you go ahead with an abortion and you really want the baby

ShaShaBear

Agreed as others have said, it's more than odd that your husband agreed that if you were to get pregnant again you would need to be in a healthier weight range. Now all of a sudden he doesn't want any more kids, ever?
Is it possible that he has vain reasons and is worried you will continue to put on weight?
My mother had pre-e with me, but not with my two siblings. I was told I was at increased risk due to my mother having it, but this is my second pregnancy without it. I was overweight on both pregnancies, significantly more so on this one and have had no related health issues. I know plenty of healthy, slim women who had terrible pregnancies and health problems. If you want your baby, don't let something as basic as your weight force you to get an abortion, and CERTAINLY do not let your husband make that decision. You'll never forgive him if regret starts to build and I agree with a previous poster that the marriage can't be that happy if he is blatantly insisting on an invasive medical procedure for you (that you don't seem to want) purely so that he can retain the lifestyle he is accustomed to.

A_Sober_Paddy

ShaShaBear wrote: »

Agreed as others have said, it's more than odd that your husband agreed that if you were to get pregnant again you would need to be in a healthier weight range. Now all of a sudden he doesn't want any more kids, ever?
Is it possible that he has vain reasons and is worried you will continue to put on weight?
My mother had pre-e with me, but not with my two siblings. I was told I was at increased risk due to my mother having it, but this is my second pregnancy without it. I was overweight on both pregnancies, significantly more so on this one and have had no related health issues. I know plenty of healthy, slim women who had terrible pregnancies and health problems. If you want your baby, don't let something as basic as your weight force you to get an abortion, and CERTAINLY do not let your husband make that decision. You'll never forgive him if regret starts to build and I agree with a previous poster that the marriage can't be that happy if he is blatantly insisting on an invasive medical procedure for you (that you don't seem to want) purely so that he can retain the lifestyle he is accustomed to.

Not to sound horrible, but OP is 110kg at 5f 6" that had to be dangerous to her health...a pregnancy on top of that could be very dangerous...

ShaShaBear

A_Sober_Paddy wrote: »

Not to sound horrible, but OP is 110kg at 5f 2" that had to be dangerous to her health...a pregnancy on top of that could be very dangerous...

Pregnancy can be very dangerous regardless of weight. Considering she herself admits that she would rather have the baby than not, having an abortion based solely on weight seems very drastic. And also dangerous for her health?

January

A_Sober_Paddy wrote: »

Not to sound horrible, but OP is 110kg at 5f 2" that had to be dangerous to her health...a pregnancy on top of that could be very dangerous...

Not at all, I'm 5ft2 and 100kg (prob a bit over that) and I have had nothing but healthy pregnancies. No health problems at all.

You can lose weight when you are pregnant, slimming world is pregnancy friendly. If you are over weight, you have a Glucose Tolerance Test as standard to screen for gestational diabetes. The OP had pre-eclempsia when she was pregnant so she will be monitored for it carefully this time.

Rachiee

Hi OP I really hope the meeting on Thursday went well and you were able to reflect more clearly on what you really want. You'll need to get a clear picture on what health risks you would be undertaking if you decide to continue with the pregnancy, but remember to weigh these risks against what you truly want for yourself (some risks a worth taking) I think it would be really beneficial to try to get a counselling session with your husband so that he can discuss his fears and hopefully get to a place where he can support you in your decision because honestly OP it sounds like deep down you would like another baby.

nikkibikki

A_Sober_Paddy wrote:

Not to sound horrible, but OP is 110kg at 5f 2" that had to be dangerous to her health...a pregnancy on top of that could be very dangerous...

She said she's 5ft 6 in her OP.

eviltwin

A_Sober_Paddy wrote: »

Not to sound horrible, but OP is 110kg at 5f 2" that had to be dangerous to her health...a pregnancy on top of that could be very dangerous...

And what about her mental health?

LegacyUser

Thanks for all replies. I am 5ft 6inch and around 110kg although I am diet/eating healthy.

I went for a scan and a session with counsellor. My husband was with me too. We have to go back in a few weeks. We are still so confused about it all. My husband would prefer the abortion route. Although he is trying to give me time. Because we are so early on the clinic said we have time on our side.

My head is all over place.

January

unplanned pregnancy wrote: »

Thanks for all replies. I am 5ft 6inch and around 110kg although I am diet/eating healthy.

I went for a scan and a session with counsellor. My husband was with me too. We have to go back in a few weeks. We are still so confused about it all. My husband would prefer the abortion route. Although he is trying to give me time. Because we are so early on the clinic said we have time on our side.

My head is all over place.

Have you spoken to a GP or made an appointment with the early pregnancy unit of your hospital to speak about your worries with your weight?

Does your husband just not want more kids, and he is using your weight as an excuse?

LegacyUser

No my husband does not want me to make an appointment with doctor or hospital as he feelss then we will end up on the system and i will end up going through with pregnancy.
I have got myself checked out with private clinic. If i start bleeding or feeling unwell then i would contact the hospital.

As regards to weight think that is more my issue.

handlemaster

unplanned pregnancy wrote: »

No my husband does not want me to make an appointment with doctor or hospital as he feelss then we will end up on the system and i will end up going through with pregnancy.
I have got myself checked out with private clinic. If i start bleeding or feeling unwell then i would contact the hospital.

As regards to weight think that is more my issue.

Your husband sounds like an right selfish ass****.

mirrorwall14

Um what? That's a bit nuts OP. You need to be fully informed, this is an enormous decision and you are both indecisive. You need to have all the ducks in the row so to speak

I would also recommend either he or both of you see a counsellor, separately or together because this does not seem like a healthy relationship or at least the approach to pregnancy is not

JaCrispy

If he didnt want more kids why didnt he get a vasectomy?

Dolbert

I'd be telling him that I'd be having the baby with or without him, but that's just me. He's so concerned for your health, but he won't let you see a doctor in case you get any ideas? What a s***.

ShaShaBear

unplanned pregnancy wrote: »

No my husband does not want me to make an appointment with doctor or hospital as he feelss then we will end up on the system and i will end up going through with pregnancy.

It's a bloody baby you're having, this isn't a trip to a pound full of puppies he's trying to stop you from going to!!!! :mad:

javagal

If this was my husband, we'd be on serious leaving ground.
You very much sound like you want the baby, an abortion doesn't sound like anything you're on-board with.
Op, be honest with yourself, would you be able To live with your husband knowing he forced you to terminate a baby you wanted?

The weight sounds like a massive cop out, as other posters stated, you can always keep up with slimming world during pregnancy and find you'll lose weight or if not, lose if after, like all other women do. I'm 20 weeks pregnant and up 10 pounds and I don't care, I'm in love with my little man(who was also unplanned)

My mother is very overweight, like 19+ stone and had 4 healthy pregnancies. I was perfect weight on my daughter and ended up in icu needing blood transfusions, so while weight does factor, it doesn't immediately mean you'll have a risky pregnancy.

So you need to think yourself. If you go for an abortion, will you be able to fly home the day after and move on with your life, glad you saved the feelings of this man who you more than likely will grow to resent.
Of course, if you want the abortion, Go for it but you sound like your clinging on to hope thinking as the longer time goes on, he'll come around.

PucaMama

This is an issue with your husband. Not the baby. So who should suffer for it? Obviously not the baby. I'd kick him out if it was me.

LegacyUser

It's not just my decision though, if I do go ahead and have this baby, what if I die? and my husband and children are left behind? I was very sick after last birth. Although the specialist did say I could go again but would be carefully monitored.

Originally my husband and I were planning two children but because I was so sick after pregnancy we both changed our minds. Although now that I am pregnant again, obv have an attachment to this baby.

We did have a session with therapist and my husband said he wouldn't leave me if I went ahead but he really doesn't want another baby. I love my husband and have to take his wishes on board for our family. He is a really great father to our child we already have. Obv I'm very torn as I'm the one pregnant and full of emotions etc. We did see a doctor for a scan privately and are going back in two weeks to see to see more as it was very early. The reason we don't want to notify our local doctor and the hospital as if we do go ahead with an abortion it would be complicated trying to explain why we aren't pregnant anymore.

My husband is trying to leave it with me for a few weeks, as we don't get scanned again until almost two weeks.

I feel that every week that goes by I am thinking more about having the baby. Although it's still so early.
I am aware that my husband isn't excited and doesn't want it.

It's strange for me because we were both so excited on our first and would never even discussed abortion. This pregnancy doesn't feel like a happy one and my heart is heavy.

My husband has been checking up clinics for abortions with my consent as we have to make appointments in advance.

I'm aware that I could still miscarry as it's early days, and i'm under stress and I feel sad about that too.

January

Ok guys, lets try stick to constructive advice and not get too emotive, telling the OP to kick her husband out isn't going to help her here.

December2012

Have you seen an obgyn yet? What are your chances of pre eclampsia, or death, as it is a real fear of yours.

Rachiee

Have you been able to truthfully tell your husband that you want the baby? you are considering his feelings, but is he considering yours? Is he fully aware of your feelings?
It's such a difficult situation I think you're right you need to make the decision together and that means being aware of all the possible consequences of the decision. If he doesn't know how much you want the baby he won't know what kind of sacrifice he's asking you to make in asking you to go ahead with the abortion.

screamer

I think it's very tough for you to make the right decision as there are 2 of you seemingly wanting different things. you said you would love another baby if you had lost weight, as someone who has been through the mill to get pregant a 2nd time all I can say is never take your fertility or ability to get pregnant for granted. Good luck with the decision it's a tough one, either way.

ChewChew

Op you're situation is heartbreaking and so terrifying at the same time. I also had a difficult pregnancy and exceptionally scary delivery of my baby so I understand your fears as they are definitely my own as well. I feel sorry for your husband also because I know how my partner felt at the time for mine and the baby's safety. I personally don't think your husband is a bad man because I don't know him and can't judge him on this one thing. I might not agree with his reaction, but only you know if this is/is not typical behaviour of him.

What I would say is be brutally honest with him. While pregnancy and delivery scares you that you have made a connection to this baby now. Why don't you both go for an honest appointment with your GP? Regardless of what you decide your GP won't breech your confidentiality but you need to both go and make a joint decision. Best of luck op, I hope it all works out whatever your final decision is.

eviltwin

Everything in your posts OP says you want this baby. If you are going to have an abortion because it's what your husband wants then I think you're making a mistake. No woman should have an abortion unless she's completely sure it's the right decision for her. By all means look at everything and everyone else's perspective but ultimately you will be the one who has to have it and its you who will bear the biggest emotional impact. I think you should get medical advice to make sure you are okay and to assess your risk if you have the baby. I also think you should see a crisis pregnancy counsellor on your own to work through your feelings.

Diamond Doll

I am very much pro-choice, but it has to be the mother's choice. Of course you should take your husband's views into account, but at the end of the day it's your body and your choice. And from everything you've said so far, it sounds like you're very aware of all the potential problems and issues - but that you still want to have this baby.

Your husband isn't coming across very well here, but in a way I can see where he's coming from. He's being very logical and pragmatic. As a couple, you didn't plan this baby, you didn't want this baby. He has very rational concerns about your health, and he's prioritising you over a potential baby he never even wanted. There are of course financial and lifestyle concerns too. I can see how, to him, the best option in your circumstances is to have an abortion, and he probably thinks he's being quite kind in giving you plenty of time to get your head around the idea of an abortion.

The problem is that he doesn't understand what it's like to feel a baby growing inside you, to feel how your body is changing and developing to accommodate the pregnancy, even in the early weeks. And especially when you've gone through it once before, with the outcome being a healthy baby.

Of course you're feeling very conflicted and anxious, and even if you make the final decision to continue with the pregnancy, those feelings probably won't go away anytime soon. You need to look into whatever supports you can to help you through the pregnancy (if you choose to continue with it), e.g. your GP, the mental health services in your maternity hospital, relationship counselling.

First step is to go to your GP, though, ideally alone. Explain everything to them. Don't worry about being "on the system" - IF it were a case that you did decide to get an abortion, it would be easily explained as a miscarriage, if you wanted to (hopefully it won't come to that though.)

I really don't think your husband is being intentionally cruel or heartless. Just that he genuinely sees this pregnancy as an inconvenience, that can relatively easily be solved, whereas you see it as potentially becoming a much-loved baby. This doesn't mean that he won't be supportive as your pregnancy continues, or that he won't love and cherish the new baby when it arrives. I do think relationship counselling would be very helpful though, to avoid any resentment further down the line.

Best of luck whatever you decide ... but do make sure it's YOUR decision.

LegacyUser

Op - the thing is - the health problems can be managed. The weight, the pre-eclampsia, all of that - it's a risk, but it's manageable. You will be monitored every step of the way.

The situation with your husband is a whole other thing. You do need to talk to someone about it. Having been through the early stages of pregnancy no. 2 myself lately, emotional rollercoaster doesn't begin to describe it. It's hard to try and make a decision at that time, never mind about something so emotive.

For the record I don't know how I feel about abortion - I think it's certainly needed in some cases but in situations like this, I really don't know. I do feel people underestimate and understate what the aftermath is like emotionally. But I only base that the fact that I never knew what it was like to have a child until I actually had one, and that having one has changed my view of a lot of things. I'm not entirely sure that many of the arguments around abortion come from people who have had kids or know what it's like to have kids (and I'm not referring to people who had pregnancies with severe abnormalities etc here). I often wonder that if they knew at the time what it was like to have a child, would they have made the same decision, and would they be so passionate to argue in favour of abortion now - and to state that everything was fine for them afterwards. I honestly have trouble with truly believing that.

I understand your husband is being logical - but ...... it is your decision. It's you that will have to live through it and experience it and deal with the emotions of it. He'll be there....but it's you that will physically feel it...

I guess what I'm trying to say is that it IS your choice, and that from what you're saying,I think you would prefer to keep the baby.And based on that, it's you that needs to make the choice. I do think a session with a crisis counsellor would be useful - if you could avoid one that has a religious affiliation do, because they will most likely not be in favour of an abortion in any way. I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide.