Are you friends with your ex?

ruaille buaille

Hi Ladies,

Do you think it is possible to remain friends with an ex? Is it best just to cut ties with them completely when you break up?
I like the idea of staying friends but how would you feel when you see a picture of them on facebook with another woman. Or if ye do meet up there could always be that temptation to hook up and then regret it later.

What are your experiences of this?

My ex is one of the best people I've ever met, and I'll always be his friend.

It's quite difficult at the moment as my feelings for him were very strong, but it's been over a year and time will make it easier. I don't know how I'll feel when he's with someone else, but I can't see him being with someone unlikeable, so I hope I'll be able to get along with her. I want him to be happy, so hard as it is to think about, I hope he does meet someone nice.

kylith

I'm friendly with my exes, but not friends.

clappyhappy

I'm good friends with two of my exes. One is now gay and has a partner, found that hard to get my head around initially as we had a great relationship, but I've met his partner a good few times and now couldn't imagine him with anyone else. We broke up over 15 years ago, he came out 8 years ago.
Another ex I get on so well with, he is married as am I. I don't find him attractive or fancy him in that way anymore but I really enjoy his company.we work in the same place, different departments but bump into each other most days. There is no text msgs or secret meet ups but will often have a coffee in the canteen, my OH knows about it and is fine.
I speak with all my exes whenever we meet, have never fallen out with any thankfully, life is too short. Very happily married now to a great guy, but lucky to have met many other good men.

SMJSF

I would like to have the chance!!

I'm in contact with 1, but back then when we were "together" we were just kids. But I wouldn't trust him again.

The second one, well, the last time I seen him, he was pissed at 2pm, and I had to get security of a shopping centre involved because he nearly followed me home. He's an alcoholic and a drug user now. *roll eyes*. So..... no.

The last one, I would like to just even say hi and ask how he is, and other things, but he has changed into a horrible person since, and I think the new missus has done that damage unfortunately.
He was around when my life fell apart, and was the only one who listened, and had the patience of a saint for me.
I do think about him a lot. I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to explain myself, and to say sorry.

I don't like the way some people just expect absolutely no contact after a relationship.
Some people would say you have to grieve the end of a relationship. One minute they are there, and then you have to end all contact, try to stop having feelings for them, and forget about them.

metaoblivia

I'm still friends with my high school sweetheart. We're facebook friends and follow each other on other social media. We don't interact a whole lot - we both live in the US, but on different coasts, so there's a lot of space between us - but we give each other the occasional like/comment. He's a great guy and he's doing well.

I was also FB friends with a college boyfriend, but he was actually killed by a drunk driver earlier this month. That was a more complicated relationship and for several years after it ended we had no contact, despite sharing several mutual friends. But he eventually sent me a friend request on FB and while there wasn't much interaction, it was nice to see how things were going in his life. It was just awful to get that phone call.

pq0n1ct4ve8zf5

kylith wrote: »

I'm friendly with my exes, but not friends.

Yeah, same here. Actually there is one that I'm very good friends with, but it was a fairly brief relationship.

One I've completely fallen out of touch with, one I wouldn't mind being friends with but she seems to feel differently and I respect that, and the rest there might be the odd text or facebook message and if I ran into them I'd probably go for coffee or whatever but that's as far as it goes.

I think it is possible to be friends, but if that's something you want I think it's very VERY important to go no contact for a good while immediately after the relationship ends. I do regret not doing that when my previous relationship ended, it would have made a friendship a lot more feasible now.

beks101

Nah. Not on bad terms with any of them and I'd know what most of them are up to through friends/facebook etc. But never really felt a friendship was needed after the relationship had ended.

I guess the fact that most of them are in different countries helps with that one. Living abroad tests even the best of friendships, it takes effort and commitment to stay in touch with even my best friends in any meaningful way so I don't think I was ever going to expend too much energy on keeping up with exes. Just did the necessary no-contact thing for a while and life moved on.

Lia_lia

beks101 wrote: »

Nah. Not on bad terms with any of them and I'd know what most of them are up to through friends/facebook etc. But never really felt a friendship was needed after the relationship had ended.

This pretty much!

DunnoKiddo

My ex was my best friend. That admiration doesn't go away, but our friendship had to change because his new relationship couldn't bare our friendship. I have looked back at his facebook occasionally but each time it hurts. So my simple advice is to respect the goodness you shared, but distance yourself if you can (for your sake).

wuffly

Still in contact with one, we were such good friends before, going out really wrecked it. We still get on like a house on fire when we meet up and he was at my wedding. We catch up when I'm home, we've both move on with people that make us happy. Another ex and I tried to be friends, he was a pratt and used the friendship to stop me moving on having faux drama's to keep me around, lying to my face that he only saw me as a friend and sneakily telling people we were working it out and get back together. I found out was pretty angry we didn't speak for a long time he got back in touch and cleared the air a few years later but we didn't keep in contact. My longest relationship 'ex' passed away, I'm still close with his family, as the years go by it gets harder, I should have been tougher with the boundaries, buts its hard, a lot of passed over lines in the sand. Thankfully my OH is the most understanding person ever! Being friends with ex's can work sometimes and sometimes relationships/friendships just fade or have an expiry date and that's ok, they were good while they lasted.

Littlegirllost

I haven't seen or spoken to any of my exes in years. It's just we've moved on. I would be friendly with them if I did see them but that's about it.

Lau2976

I would be close friends with 2 of my exes and friendly with most. I had a relationship that ended with one being arrested so he definitely isn't on the christmas card list! But other then him I haven't really had too terrible of a time with my exes.

cantdecide

IMO, the answer to this question is grounded in what your idea of a relationship is in the first instance. Personally, I think that if I could envisage a day when I may not be concerned about a person I see as a potential partner then I probably wouldn't get into a relationship in the first place. I guess it sounds unromantic but I believe that admiration, respect and strong connection is a prerequisite for love and if those factors exist and things don't work out then I would still wish that person to be part of my life (beyond the vital initial separation of course).

EDIT: yes, I'm friends with my ex.

beks101

cantdecide wrote: »

IMO, the answer to this question is grounded in what your idea of a relationship is in the first instance. Personally, I think that if I could envisage a day when I may not be concerned about a person I see as a potential partner then I probably wouldn't get into a relationship in the first place. I guess it sounds unromantic but I believe that admiration, respect and strong connection is a prerequisite for love and if those factors exist and things don't work out then I would still wish that person to be part of my life (beyond the vital initial separation of course).

EDIT: yes, I'm friends with my ex.

Doesn't really allow for the fraught nature of many break-ups y compris the breach of trust and respect that can accompany them; or the passing of time and how people and their friendships and priorities can change. New relationships start, old friendships end etc.

Romantic relationships carry with them a range of emotional intimacy and investment that platonic friendships don't. When that ends, it's usually better to cut contact for a period to allow yourself to move on. Sometimes making the effort to morph this former relationship into a casual friendship is too painful, too complicated or just not worth the investment for any number of life circumstances.

Shelga

I have 3 main exes.

First one- friends on Facebook, he very occasionally messages me but I find it effort to reply as we have nothing in common anymore. On friendly terms I suppose, if I had to think about it- but he rarely enters my head and feels like a million years ago.

Second one- University boyfriend, good relationship but ended abruptly and poorly, mainly due to mistakes made by me. The dust settled and now we sometimes chat on FB, he lives very far away so it feels very 'safe' to chat to him We have a lot in common due to our degree, area of work and attitude to life. Pretty friendly.

Third one- Satan in human form, he moved countries thank god and I hope I never ever see or speak to him again.

CaraMay

ruaille buaille wrote: »

Hi Ladies,

Do you think it is possible to remain friends with an ex?

What are your experiences of this?

Yes it is and I'm now living with him (and baby) after a break of over 15 years

C.D.

I think being friends with your former SO is really nice. These are people who you shared important events and a strong connection with. I am on friendly terms with about half of mine, with varying levels of contact.

However, at least for me, I don't think you can be friends in the strict sense of the word, especially after so much history.

OakeyDokey

I'm good friends with one of my exes. I see him every time I visit home, our relationship was fine but it did end crappy with me tears but you move on and get on with things. He is someone who I will always have in my life.

My other two exes I wouldn't call 'friends' but I'd be friends with them on Social Media and if I saw them I would talk to them.

Don't see a point in holding grudges anymore, life is short and you got to make the most of it.

Penny Dreadful

ruaille buaille wrote: »

Hi Ladies,

Do you think it is possible to remain friends with an ex? Is it best just to cut ties with them completely when you break up?
I like the idea of staying friends but how would you feel when you see a picture of them on facebook with another woman. Or if ye do meet up there could always be that temptation to hook up and then regret it later.

What are your experiences of this?

I was always of the opinion that you break up you break up and you cannot be friends.
Then I broke up with my boyfriend of 10 years and about a year afterwards he decided to start sending me solicitors letters seeking "compensation" for the break up and wanted half of my house (one I had purchased without him and lived in for a few years before he moved in and he provided no money for in terms of a deposit or anything).
That move made an ok breakup terribly bitter and now he could drop dead in front of me and I'd just step over his body.

Teafor two12345

I couldn't give a **** about my exes to be honest.

AppleBottle

I am...However after finding something out about one recently I want to punch him in the face and never see him again.

Diamond Doll

My most recent ex hates my guts and would probably be honestly delighted if I were to drop dead tomorrow. However we have a son together, so we're kind of stuck in each other's lives for good now. Communications are difficult, though.

I'd be in very occasional contact with my other exes, some more than others. I think I'm at least Facebook friends with most of them, so have an idea of what's going on in their lives at least.

Teafor two12345

I hope that situation improves DD. It sounds tenuous. I am certain time will make it easier.


I have not seen any of my exes in a long long time. In fact Mr Tea does not like the idea of them being around. He met one once and joked he looked like an assassin as soon as we got back into the car. I know that might make Mr Tea seem childish but honestly that's not the case. But I do have one friend who still knows that guy and Mr Tea always jokes 'Ah my assassin' anytime the name comes up. I think it's kind of cute. He is not really jealous though. It's just our little joke.

I can't really imagine knowing an ex now. My parents never seemed to know their exes. I don't think it's usual for married people to know their exes unless they have children or they are very very good friends. I think if that is the case the friendship period is longer than the romantic relationship period. And usually you might have mutual friends.

Mr Tea knows none of his exes. He has no female friends actually. And I don't know any of his friends well anyway. I don't think it would bother me though if he was friends with them. So long as we actually got on etc and she was not psycho.

As for me an ex is a line in the sand. Time makes sand smooth again.

beks101

One of the things that attracted me most to my OH was how he spoke about the women in his life, including his exes.

Obviously most relationships don't end amicably, but my god have I met some men who would quite willingly shoot their exes in the face if they had the chance, and would talk some amount of bile about them. My bf never really mentioned his except to say "yeah, my ex Jenny used to have a friend like that" or "this girl I dated in college had a thing for that too" etc.

Just matter-of-fact like. They exist. They're still out there. I don't hate them. I wish them well. I think it says a lot about someone's character.

Andrew Laeddis

I'm back with my ex now and we're having to deal with all the stuff we've been up to while apart (6 months)

I'm the one finding it more difficult to accept

Teafor two12345

beks101 wrote: »

One of the things that attracted me most to my OH was how he spoke about the women in his life, including his exes.

Obviously most relationships don't end amicably, but my god have I met some men who would quite willingly shoot their exes in the face if they had the chance, and would talk some amount of bile about them. My bf never really mentioned his except to say "yeah, my ex Jenny used to have a friend like that" or "this girl I dated in college had a thing for that too" etc.

Just matter-of-fact like. They exist. They're still out there. I don't hate them. I wish them well. I think it says a lot about someone's character.

Whilst I can understand where you are coming from. I feel someone's character is more about how they treat me than about how they treat a person I have never met.

I have been reasonably lucky I suppose with people who have come my way. I wouldn't say I wish them all well though. But happily wanting to shoot someone or even having those THOUGHTS or those images in your head is a very disturbed head. Even thinking it or having those feelings is a weird place to be.

I would balk at someone who wanted to praise someone's to the skies just after they broke up. It's not a mark of friendship nor intelligence. Better to say nothing really.

kingtut

Well seeing as she claimed to have leukemia and dumped me so that I wouldn't have to see her suffer only to find out that it was all a lie um no I don't keep in touch with her.

Figbiscuithead

kingtut wrote: »

Well seeing as she claimed to have leukemia and dumped me so that I wouldn't have to see her suffer only to find out that it was all a lie um no I don't keep in touch with her.

Ehhhh...yeah. I don't blame you.


Not strictly friends with any of them though I'm in touch with two of them the odd time on Facebook. I ended things on pretty good terms with all of them, bar a fella I went out with for a few months in my early twenties who was a genuine nutjob. I've no interest in being friends with exes - too much history to carry on as if it never happened.

seenitall

I never used to, or cared one way or another, but that has been changing since I've grown older and more mature.

My ex-husband, well, although the marriage itself was a disaster of impressive proportions, and were it not for the baby, I'm pretty sure we never would have stayed in touch (lots of nastiness, lots of high emotions and drama), dealing with co-parenting together has helped us both to grow up and accept each other on different terms, with a different dynamic than when we were together. It's almost like two different people! So, nowadays we're co-parents first, friendly exes second. It's cool.

My most recent ex, is one of my best friends I suppose. We still hang out fairly regularly, confide in each other and rely on each other. However, that may not last for long, as I get the feeling it could get serious with the girl he's seeing now, and if that means reducing the time we spend together, so be it. I suppose I'm well able to put myself in her shoes, and I wouldn't be too impressed if a new flame were very close to his (single) ex!

But, yeah, I think I'm finally getting the hang of this "exes" thing. I flatter myself that it's because my taste in men has generally been improving!

Parchment

There is only one ex that i feel animosity towards and he was a horrible person so thats why!

Fitz*

Lad here asking for advice.

I broke up with my ex last year after she cheated. I kinda didn't want to break up at all, but she did and then we had a long drawn out break up that lasted a good few weeks of little contact. We remained friends on facebook/snapchat throughout with no contact on facebook but a small bit on snapchat alright.

The one day we met to talk things through, or so I thought, as we had been getting on well. But she just started acting all nasty and I got quite angry and just brought up everything like her cheating etc. I hadn't verbally abused her before but then I sent her a pretty bad text, probably the worst I have ever sent. Even after this, we still remained facebook friends.

Then a few weeks later, I got drunk and ended up liking a picture of her on facebook, and she then deleted me from it. We're still friends on snapchat and she is actually still friends with all her exes on facebook.

Would it be advisable for me to re-add her, as I now want to be amicable, and hope that she can be too. I don't want to be friends with her so I can comment on stuff etc, I wouldn't be nasty. But just like to keep up on life events. I am a bit nosey!

Dial Hard

FitzShane wrote:

Would it be advisable for me to re-add her

No, to be perfectly blunt.

Fitz*

Dial Hard wrote: »

No, to be perfectly blunt.

Do you mind me asking why?

I'm not looking to get back together etc, nothing in it at all like that. It's just more in hope that we could both be mature about it and move on and at least acknowledge that each other were part of each other lives for a good portion of time.

You're not going to be doing any moving on by re adding her, and this debate is just showing that
Move on on your own

Taboola

You'd gain nothing by re-adding her. She probably wouldn't accept you anyway if she's already deleted you.

Dial Hard

FitzShane wrote:

Do you mind me asking why?

Because by your own admission you pretty much only want to do it so you can keep tabs on her out of nosiness.

She deleted you. She doesn't want to be your friend. You both sound incredibly immature. Accept that you're not good for eachother and move on.

2rkehij30qtza5

Absolutely not!

iuil1999

I am but mostly because it's easier as we have the same friends. Life's too short.

SarahMollie

I've never been friends with an ex. Maybe that sounds harsh, but I think its largely because I've never dated anyone who is part of my friendship group so once its over, it would be weird in my opinion to go out of my way to keep seeing them.

Also, I believe the heart heals a lot faster if just left alone to get on with it, not keep picking open the same old wounds by trying to stay in each others lives. Out of sight, out of mind!

I had one bad breakup that turned pretty nasty in my early 20's and this has probably informed my world view on this subject! That said, I wouldnt have any animosity towards any exboyfriend as I'm happy in a relationship for the past couple of years and any old wrongs would just seem irreverent to me now.