Bf's interfering female friend

crackers and cheese

Have been seeing a guy the last few weeks and officially going out now...One person not happy with this is his female friend who seems determined to drive us apart...
She constantly texts him when she knows he is with me
Calls him with "emergencies" every weekend
Constantly talks to him about people and events that happened that I would know nothing about and makes massive effort to exclude me from conversation
Has already told him that she does not think I am the right person for him and I might be a bit "loose"
I don't know how to bring this up with him as he is a very easy going person who seems oblivious to the whole thing and don't want him to see me as the one with a problem
I have a strong sense that she may want to be more than friends with him...
He is a great Bf but I just get the feeling that unless I approach this very carefully I may do more harm than good...
I have asked him jokingly if he ever thought she may be interested in him and he once confessed that she often would text saying that she can not find a decent man and would be great to find one like him? Would this surely not be a clear sign of interest?

Tilly

You've been seeing him a few weeks and have all this drama with his mate (which is probably in your head). You need to chill out!!

Penny Tration

When she excludes you, does he try to include you?

Does he ignore her calls and texts while you're out with him?

Did he defend you when she called you 'loose?'

If the answers to these are "no," don't bother with him. It's much too early to have to actually work and resolve a massive issue like her.

pookie82

How do you know she called you loose? I'm not sure how he'd pass this information to you and still laugh it off or treat her as harmless. Also not sure why he's telling you this stuff about her wanting to find a guy like him ... is he enjoying this?

Because if he is, you're in for a world of pain. You'll be labelled a controlling gf the moment you verbalise any issue with her, and she'll just be a "harmless female friend".

I'd look less to her actions in this scenario and more to his, to be honest.

crackers and cheese

His friends girlfriend told me she was referring to me as "loose" and giving him advice on me.
He does text her back but has not gone to her house when she rings with these emergencies. He tells her he is with me.
I don't think he is enjoying the attention. ..more oblivious than anything I feel
She is always the one to initiate contact with him and always suggesting to him places they should go for meals etc.
I would just like to know if u have a right to be feeling the way I do and how to approach this with him

Penny Tration

How rude, texting her when he's supposed to be with you!


I don't think it's something you can bring up so soon. It's cut and run time tbh.

If you're determined to talk to him about it, just say "paul, why is Mary saying I'm loose and not right for you and then youre texting her while with me? Do you not think it's sh!try behaviour from her? I don't think I should have to put up with her calling me those things."

CaraMay

He shouldn't be letting her talk about you like that and he shouldn't be telling you about it. You barely know each other and its way too soon to be dealing with this bull. I would move on and leave them to it.

Floppybits

OP, Its only been a few weeks and already this hassle. If your BF hasn't told this female friend whats what and to deal with his situation then if I was you I would just break up and move on. Its not worth the hassle and even if you do stay together you are always going to have her sniping away at you in the background.

shmalentine

I don't understand why the onus is on the boyfriend to handle this. If your boyfriend has been neglecting you as a result of all this contact she is initiating, if he hasn't defended you when she has directly said negative things about you to him, then I yes I would suggest you voice your concerns with him.

However I don't see you mentioning anywhere that your bf has been prioritizing her over you, that she is successful in deflecting attention away from you by making so much contact. The 'loose' comment was relayed back to you from a friend of a friend, not him? Correct me if I'm wrong btw please, I was reading quickly may have missed something. You say she seems determined to drive you two apart, well.. has she? Is it working ?

If the way she is going on hasn't caused any rifts between you and your boyfriend then tbh OP if i were you, I would just leave it be. You have a right to be annoyed but that's about it. I think letting yourself get angry about her is what will cause problems in the end. If her behavior around your boyfriend is making you uncomfortable and is noticed by other members of your group of friends then I would think the only way to solve that problem is to speak with her directly. Obviously nothing aggressive or accusatory. In fact, maybe approach her in friendly manner and see if she reciprocates? You should obviously mention it to your boyfriend but I would not automatically expect him to step in and speak to her. If she does indeed have a hidden agenda against you, if she really has been badmouthing you to others, and you want to get to the bottom of it then you need to just have a conversation with her, let her get to know you properly and vice versa. None of this he said she said business, I find that gets messy and just causes unnecessary drama.

Tbh I'm actually not one to avoid confrontation, but if she's just being passive aggressive rather than outwardly hostile, I would just leave it and expect she will get bored of trying to stir the pot.
That's just me though.

Woah sorry that reply was a lot longer than I thought. Best of Luck OP

Exclamation Marc

In the boyfriend's defence, he could just be ignoring her nonsense. Just because this friend is giving advice and calling you loose doesn't mean he's taking it onboard or even acknowledging it (in fact, he's not because he's with you against the cráp she's spouting). It's completely out of order for her to be saying it about you, yes, but you are a new face so making a deal of it at this stage might be unnecessary.

If I was the boyfriend and it was happening to me, I'd certainly just ignore this friend than make a deal of it. I've had female friends who have talked negatively about new relationships before and it's easier to just nod and ignore than standing up to it and ruffling feathers. I would definitely tell someone not to be calling my gf 'loose', but you don't know if he pulled her up on that or not.

If you're happy with the guy, my advice would be to keep it to yourself for now and give it time. Most likely this girl will back off when she sees her words have no effect or impact on your bf or relationship and that he's giving his time to you regardless of her antics. Maybe throw an offhand comment when she texts next along the lines of 'my god, does she always need to text you when we're together, just ignore her' and see what happens.

You are certainly in the right to feel put out by her behaviour but I think cutting and running is way too premature an action at this stage if you're happy with the guy (this problem aside). If it's still in issue in 4-6 weeks, then re-evaluate, but hopefully this girl will back off when she sees her efforts are futile.

TimeToShine

Sounds like a lot of blowing out of proportion going on here.

Ignore her, he's your boyfriend and she's jealous - you cant control his actions nor can you tell him who to be friends with.

Regardless of gender, there's always going to be at least one interfering friend, in my experience. Usually they're a friend of the opposite gender, who has some lingering feelings for the partner and, upon finding out they're with someone new, tries to step in and ruin it/shake things up.

Always best to just ignore these people and try to not let it bother you. They're with you for a reason.

crackers and cheese

Ok so had a massive row with bf last night over this issue. ...basically I am fed up of her constantly texting him and I asked him not to be so personal with her as I felt very redundant in the relationship with the amount of contact and confiding he seems to do with her. ...I had told him recently I found it v hurtful how she constantly ignores me and he said he asked her about it and she told him it was all in my head... We were out last night and she called him to say had a flat tyre and needed help...We went to help her and again she ignored me and this is basically how me and my Bf started rowing on the way home over her behaviour. ..He texted me today to assure me he has no attraction to her and feels sorry for her as she has had no relationship for over ten years but now I feel like he is defending her and not considering my feelings. ..where do I go from here. ..

Car99

crackers and cheese wrote: »

Ok so had a massive row with bf last night over this issue. ...basically I am fed up of her constantly texting him and I asked him not to be so personal with her as I felt very redundant in the relationship with the amount of contact and confiding he seems to do with her. ...I had told him recently I found it v hurtful how she constantly ignores me and he said he asked her about it and she told him it was all in my head... We were out last night and she called him to say had a flat tyre and needed help...We went to help her and again she ignored me and this is basically how me and my Bf started rowing on the way home over her behaviour. ..He texted me today to assure me he has no attraction to her and feels sorry for her as she has had no relationship for over ten years but now I feel like he is defending her and not considering my feelings. ..where do I go from here. ..

She is his friend though and probably texted and needed his help just as much before you two got together. What would you like him to do dump a longtime friend to give a new romance a go?

crackers and cheese

Car99 wrote: »

She is his friend though and probably texted and needed his help just as much before you two got together. What would you like him to do dump a longtime friend to give a new romance a go?

My issue is that this is not a once off...
Why always ring him....
Why be so hostile to me....
I am constantly making an effort to be friendly to her...never recepricated

CaraMay

crackers and cheese wrote: »

My issue is that this is not a once off...
Why always ring him....
Why be so hostile to me....
I am constantly making an effort to be friendly to her...never recepricated

They are friends and you are the newbie here. She clearly doesn't like you op and doesn't think you are right for him. There is ałways one friend who thinks like that. Either stick with him and ignore her or dump him.

OneOfThem

OK. The only evidence you have for her apparently talking bad about you to him is one of his friends girlfriends saying she did? Maybe that girl has a problem with this girl and is stirring for all you know.

The other evidence you have for her 'driving you two apart' is she texts him. Has asked for his help in situations like when she has a flat tire. And talks about things and people you aren't familiar with. That's a whole lot of fvck all tbh. Friends text each other. Calling on a friend in an emergency is one of the nice things about having friends. They have a friendship going back years. You've been with him weeks. Is she meant to only talk about things that have happened in the last four weeks when you're there?

The animosity you hold for her is palpable in this thread. Unless you're both the world's greatest actress and have the control over the outward displays of your internal feelings that tend to be limited to world poker champions and psychopaths I'd say it radiates off you like heat off a furnace when you're in her company.

Have you tried giving her the benefit of the doubt and talking to her? Pretend you're talking to someone that isn't her then approach her and say just something like "Mary could I talk to you for a sec? Maybe it's just my imagination but, I don't know if we got off on the wrong foot or something, but I've kinda been worried you might think you're getting an unfriendly vibe from me or something? Hope I'm not coming across like I've a problem with you or anything?"

Honestly, and this is just my impression, it sounds like you've had it in for her from the get go, not the other way round, and what you're picking up from her is just the natural response anyone would have from a friends new girlfriend hating the fvck out of them for no apparent reason they can figure out, other than they are friends with thier boyfriend.

Edit: sorry, hope that doesn't come across harsh or anything, wasn't meant to. Just trying to put out another possible perspective.

crackers and cheese

OneOfThem wrote: »

OK. The only evidence you have for her apparently talking bad about you to him is one of his friends girlfriends saying she did? Maybe that girl has a problem with this girl and is stirring for all you know.

The other evidence you have for her 'driving you two apart' is she texts him. Has asked for his help in situations like when she has a flat tire. And talks about things and people you aren't familiar with. That's a whole lot of fvck all tbh. Friends text each other. Calling on a friend in an emergency is one of the nice things about having friends. They have a friendship going back years. You've been with him weeks. Is she meant to only talk about things that have happened in the last four weeks when you're there?

The animosity you hold for her is palpable in this thread. Unless you're both the world's greatest actress and have the control over the outward displays of your internal feelings that tend to be limited to world poker champions and psychopaths I'd say it radiates off you like heat off a furnace when you're in her company.

Have you tried giving her the benefit of the doubt and talking to her? Pretend you're talking to someone that isn't her then approach her and say just something like "Mary could I talk to you for a sec? Maybe it's just my imagination but, I don't know if we got off on the wrong foot or something, but I've kinda been worried you might think you're getting an unfriendly vibe from me or something? Hope I'm not coming across like I've a problem with you or anything?"

Honestly, and this is just my impression, it sounds like you've had it in for her from the get go, not the other way round, and what you're picking up from her is just the natural response anyone would have from a friends new girlfriend hating the fvck out of them for no apparent reason they can figure out, other than they are friends with thier boyfriend.

Edit: sorry, hope that doesn't come across harsh or anything, wasn't meant to. Just trying to put out another possible perspective.

Yes I have often tried to strike up a conversation with her but she completely shuts me down and might just grunt a response then continue to ignore me....I have had nothing but bad luck with men all my life and have finally found someone who is a nice guy and I just don't seem to be conveying the problem with her across very well
A...she constantly texts him when she knows he is with me
B...she is always trying to get him to go for meals with her or do something only involving the two of them
C...she is so openly hostile to me
D...is now saying I am looking at other men when out (again his friends gf who told me) and slags off my outfits etc
I just don't see how I am the one with the problem

Penny Tration

Your boyfriend is not going to choose you over an old, close friend.

It's been mere weeks, you can't expect that.


Just cut your losses, it's not worth the hassle

Ann84

Op, my advice - ignore her, don't mention her and enjoy spending time with your boyfriend, make it fun...
As your relationship progresses HE will spend less time with her because he will be spending more time with you and it won't be because you told him to, it'll be because he wants to and that will work out a lot better.

I know it's not easy now, but stop asking why and just ask who is she to you anyway!! your clearly insecure in the relationship but you are letting her put a wedge between you and your boyfriend by fighting with him over it... Can you not see that?!?!

Just make up with your boyfriend, work on your relationship and ignore her, pretend you think she's lovely but avoid her like the plague and build relationships with his friends girlfriends instead! it will not be easy but if you want to go out with this guy, this is the way to do it, if you keep going the way your going you guys will break up.

Best of luck with it...

crackers and cheese

Thanks Ann84. Yes your advice is spot on and so logical. ...I will do that and just chill out....its just that I am the type of person who can't see an easy solution to a problem when stressed over it...I know I should not let her get to me and intend to ignore it from now on and not ruin my relationship as a result of her behaviour...hopefully things will get better

R.D. aka MR.D

Just wanted to say that Ann84's advice is spot on. My OH's best female friend doesn't like me for absolutely no reason. She 'warned' him about me despite the fact we had never met and she knew nothing about me. She was stand offish from the moment that we met.

I know there is nothing romantic between them, although I will admit that it took me a while to realise that. She is just one of those girls who likes to treat her male friends like a boyfriend and doesn't like anyone threatening that. That's just pathetic in my book so I let her get on with it.

Concentrate on having fun in your relationship and be perfectly pleasant when you see her but don't bother with her outside of that. Total indifference is the way to go.

LegacyUser

I don't know OP. I'm with the poster 'OneofThem' on this. You're a newbie, and all of a sudden you are trying to change the way their long-term friendship has worked. If your BF had a problem with how his friendship with her worked, well he would've changed it. Or else if he didn't change it, well then he either didn't mind, or just didn't see her behaviour as enough of a problem to fall out with her.

Are you sure that the niggling isn't from both sides? It just seems hard to picture that you are consistently being sweetness and light, and she's consistently being a bitch. Are you sure there isn't a bit of resentment on both sides, and that your resentment is coming across to her (just as her resentment is coming across to you)?

Also, the only really bad stuff that you have to say about her is hearsay. I would take that with a grain of salt, or just wait a while to see if it's really true.

I'm not saying you're in the wrong, but perhaps something to consider: if a girl posted here, saying that her very new very recent BF had a blow-out with her re her long term male friend, she'd be told to watch her step, and was the new BF worth the mind-F, and was he trying to control her. The same would apply, but I think not necessarily quite as strongly, if a guy posted about his new GF rowing with him about a long term female friend. Just another perspective to maybe think about.

pookie82

crackers and cheese wrote: »

Yes I have often tried to strike up a conversation with her but she completely shuts me down and might just grunt a response then continue to ignore me....I have had nothing but bad luck with men all my life and have finally found someone who is a nice guy and I just don't seem to be conveying the problem with her across very well
A...she constantly texts him when she knows he is with me
B...she is always trying to get him to go for meals with her or do something only involving the two of them
C...she is so openly hostile to me
D...is now saying I am looking at other men when out (again his friends gf who told me) and slags off my outfits etc
I just don't see how I am the one with the problem

Believe me OP I know how irritating it is to feel like you're not the one doing wrong but having to be the bigger person anyway to somehow "hang on to your man".

It's so early on that you have to question if he's "worth" this baggage and hassle. If you feel he is, then unfortunately you will have to try your best to ignore her and let him deal with her. Fingers crossed she'll get bored eventually and realise she's on to nothing with him.

I would ask others to stop feeding you tidbits of what she supposedly says about you behind your back. These will only fuel your irritation and paranoia and who knows if they're even true. Next time someone mentions "Oh Sarah was saying you're loose again" just politely go "I'd rather not hear Sarah's opinion of me any longer, it doesn't seem to be favourable and I have no desire to engage with it, it's nobody's business but hers what she thinks of me."

LegacyUser

pookie82 wrote: »

I would ask others to stop feeding you tidbits of what she supposedly says about you behind your back. These will only fuel your irritation and paranoia and who knows if they're even true. Next time someone mentions "Oh Sarah was saying you're loose again" just politely go "I'd rather not hear Sarah's opinion of me any longer, it doesn't seem to be favourable and I have no desire to engage with it, it's nobody's business but hers what she thinks of me."

+ 1 Honestly that would annoy me so much more then anything else you've listed. I would be very blunt if one of his friends GF's said anything to me about another person - "If *insert name* has an issue with me then she can say to me my face" and leave it. Honestly none of his friends sound particualarly pleasent or mature!

kylith

You are new to their dynamic wrote: »

I don't know OP. I'm with the poster 'OneofThem' on this. You're a newbie, and all of a sudden you are trying to change the way their long-term friendship has worked. If your BF had a problem with how his friendship with her worked, well he would've changed it. Or else if he didn't change it, well then he either didn't mind, or just didn't see her behaviour as enough of a problem to fall out with her.

I disagree if you have friends who are male then you have to be aware that at some point they will get a girlfriend, and in that case you will have to act appropriately. Things that you may have done previously, such as texting a lot, would be inappropriate and your relationship has to alter to accommodate the fact that you're not the most important woman in his life

LegacyUser

kylith wrote: »

I disagree if you have friends who are male then you have to be aware that at some point they will get a girlfriend, and in that case you will have to act appropriately. Things that you may have done previously, such as texting a lot, would be inappropriate and your relationship has to alter to accommodate the fact that you're not the most important woman in his life

I think this is one of those it really depends on the person type deals as I really don't see how texting a friend, regardless of relationship status, is inappropriate - calling or poping round you could argue but it's a simple thing to put your phone on silent or turn it off if you want to focus on the person your with. It's rude to sit on your phone with anyone - girlfriend, boyfriend, granny, mammy, friend etc etc - fault with the texts falls on the BF, OP should just ask he put the phone away as I assume she's done the same.

crackers and cheese

Yeah I always put away the phone...but to me it's basic manners anyway regardless of whose company you are in I feel phone should not be out.....tbh he always has it on him. ...might not look at it straight away but at some stage he normally does and it almost always her...not that I condone him looking at the phone in the first place...meeting later and plan on saying something lighthearted about the textin if it starts

Tilly

You're seeing him in your words "a few weeks". You've no right to think you trump his friendship with this girl! If it was a bloke you wouldn't be moaning about it. Chill out. Seriously!

R.D. aka MR.D

crackers and cheese wrote: »

meeting later and plan on saying something lighthearted about the textin if it starts

I wouldn't bother with this. If you have a problem with him being stuck on his phone while you are together, tell him out straight. Saying things lightheartedly can just end up with miscommunication and problems.

crackers and cheese

I ended up just saying it straight out about the phone and he realised he has been very rude by having it out and texting when with me. To Tilly....I don't expect him to cut friends but I would like a bit of respect and consideration from him when one friend of the opposite sex is showing excessive and unreasonable attention towards him and is so openly rude and hostile to me. There is a difference between having female friends and having female friends who make your gf feel unwelcome. Your reaction is the exact reason I do not want to have that conversation with my Bf

Tilly

crackers and cheese wrote: »

I ended up just saying it straight out about the phone and he realised he has been very rude by having it out and texting when with me. To Tilly....I don't expect him to cut friends but I would like a bit of respect and consideration from him when one friend of the opposite sex is showing excessive and unreasonable attention towards him and is so openly rude and hostile to me. There is a difference between having female friends and having female friends who make your gf feel unwelcome. Your reaction is the exact reason I do not want to have that conversation with my Bf

I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude or harsh. It's just I have lots of male friends and while I don't text them everyday, I'd like to think our relationship (what ever way it may be or that I'm used to) wouldn't change for someone who is only a few weeks in their life.