he wants space....

wings123

hi all. my boyfriend and I have been together two years. very close to each other and don't have any trust issues on either sides. Our relationship has had a lot of stress factors , distance , job loss , living situation yet we have always managed to over come these thankfully.

Due to various different factors I suffer from quite severe anxiety, these anxieties are not caused by my relationship , it's something I've come to realise I've always suffered from. This can come and go and seems to be triggered by high stress factors such as job loss, looking for somewhere to live etc.

I've also got anxieties that are irrational and realise now how draining these have been on my partner over the course of our relationship . gradually hes become impatient and numb to any worries I have whether they are real or irrational , which is understandable as they were a constant factor in our relationship, I now understand how draining this must have been for him.

my anxieties got particularly bad last week and I felt I needed to deal with them so have starting counselling to try deal with these.
another point to note is due to my living arrangements we could only spend time with each other at weekends which seemed to isolate us from having our own space with our friends , which is not good for a relationship either.

my anxieties gother particularly bad this week and he has told me he needs space as he feels quite burnt out. I'm getting help now and am really going to make an effort to get my anxiety under control. I feel like I've pushed it too far this time, in two years we've rarely gone a day without resolving an argument or speaking.

I feel quite lost at the moment and extremely lonely but know I have to respect his wishes and give him a break from the stress I've been causing him. He's a wonderful partner but I he's just exhausted from the constant worrying I do. I'm really serious about fixing this and wa wondering how best to approach this situation. he's my best friend and I love him. I just hope I haven't pushed him too far this time. feel so lost and am hoping to get some advice on this lonely time. how do I not push him away further thanks x

TheChizler

Maybe look into him coming to a couple of counseling sessions with you, there's two of you in this relationship and if you're both serious about it as it sounds then you both need to be able to communicate fully about how your anxiety affects both of you.

It sounds like you're totally blaming yourself for the situation, but there may not be any cause for blame at all. A partner who cares for you will want you to talk candidly about your anxiety, not blaming yourself and disguising it.

wings123

He's made it pretty clear that he needs space...that he's burned out and that at the moment this relationship isn't a positive thing for him due to my anxieties.

I know we've both been quite isolated from our friends so I understand that element of needing space but think he's being a little too extreme:(

He told me he needed space on Thursday and said to call if I needed to etc. Felt it would be a good idea to call him on Friday morning and suggested he call over so we could just be with each other and hug as we'd had a bad week and I didn't want us to have not made up before the weekend.

He said it was good to see me was very affectionate etc. so I thought things were back on track and I don't think I can be blamed for thinking that.

But when I called him earlier on today he seemed annoyed that id called and said that I'm not giving him space that he's spoken to me each day since he asked for it??

I feel really confused I don't want to suggest he come to counselling as I think it's just burdening him with more " stress". I asked him if he would like to stay with me next week and he said no.

I feel quite confused and I also feel hurt that he'd cut me off like this when I'm clearly serious about making an effort to fix my anxieties. I feel quite lonely and don't know how to approach this.

Shrap

It's great that you're getting counselling for your anxiety issues OP. It does sound like they had somewhat taken over your life over the last while. Many relationships do crash and burn under the strain of living with anxiety, and relationships often become seriously unbalanced with one partner constantly feeling fears and the other constantly being reassuring. That's not to say this is your fault - you can't help the past and you are making every effort to help the future......except the one effort you've been asked to make for your partner.

Your bf asked for space on Thursday. He feels burned out, and tbh, that doesn't go away overnight - it's hard to come back from without a rest....without the space to think and to just be yourself and not having to input energy and effort into someone/something else all the time. That's what burning out is. Having given something your all, and then feeling like you've nothing left to give.

So, I think you perhaps didn't get where he was at when he said he needed space and you then called him on Friday, to be reassured again that you're still together. Then Saturday you called again. No hon, that's not giving space. I can see that you are most definitely still in need of reassurance, but now is really the time to try and do that for yourself and also to take on the task of trying to support him too. He's told you the support he needs - space to (hopefully) come back around again - and perhaps this is a good point for you to put into practice any mechanisms that your counsellor has suggested for your anxiety, but leave him out of the equation for at least a week if you can.

Be strong and fight those fears every time they come up for you. This is something your relationship/partner needs you to do now.

zeffabelli

He needs space. Give it to him.

Anxiety is like a drowning man trying to drown you too.


This is really about you learning find stress tolerance skills.

Space means he will call you when he has recovered and is ready.

wings123

Hi OP here....Thanks for the advice as they are all very valid points.

I think I became confused as when I called on Friday and suggested he call over for a cuddle he came over and was very affectionate etc. things felt they would be ok again.

I think due to this I felt that the space he needed was just space from the anxieties. And obviously space with his friends as he hasn't had that lately with our living arrangements , which has now thankfully changed as this was a *huge* stress on our relationship, actually the biggest one.

Was this not sending mixed messages on his part on Friday? And why would he say call if I need to but then be annoyed a few days later? Are these not conflicting actions?

I understand he needs space but I feel a little hurt that when I've come to the point of when Im actually getting help with this that he's not in any way acknowledging or supporting me.

There are issues he has had in the past in our relationship that have had negative affects on me and have been testing but I always stuck it out for him and I'm glad I did. Thankfully we have worked through these issues now.

The last few weeks of our relationship had so much stress from my anxieties so I can imagine he feels relieved to not have to deal with that at the moment.

However I'm concerned that he'll not want to come back to me after the space even though when things are good it's amazing with us. The living situation that caused the most stress in our relationship has now been resolved just this week and I feel this will make things so much easier for us but now don't know if he'll even be willing to try.

If the space period is too long does that not mean the chances of resolving this get more and more slim ? Is there really a way back from this ?

zeffabelli

wings123 wrote: »

Hi OP here....Thanks for the advice as they are all very valid points.

I think I became confused as when I called on Friday and suggested he call over for a cuddle he came over and was very affectionate etc. things felt they would be ok again.

I think due to this I felt that the space he needed was just space from the anxieties. And obviously space with his friends as he hasn't had that lately with our living arrangements , which has now thankfully changed as this was a *huge* stress on our relationship, actually the biggest one.

Was this not sending mixed messages on his part on Friday? And why would he say call if I need to but then be annoyed a few days later? Are these not conflicting actions?

I understand he needs space but I feel a little hurt that when I've come to the point of when Im actually getting help with this that he's not in any way acknowledging or supporting me.

There are issues he has had in the past in our relationship that have had negative affects on me and have been testing but I always stuck it out for him and I'm glad I did. Thankfully we have worked through these issues now.

The last few weeks of our relationship had so much stress from my anxieties so I can imagine he feels relieved to not have to deal with that at the moment.

However I'm concerned that he'll not want to come back to me after the space even though when things are good it's amazing with us. The living situation that caused the most stress in our relationship has now been resolved just this week and I feel this will make things so much easier for us but now don't know if he'll even be willing to try.

If the space period is too long does that not mean the chances of resolving this get more and more slim ? Is there really a way back from this ?

This is how you show you are working on it.

Don't lean on him for soothing.


Self soothe.

ShaShaBear

wings123 wrote: »

Hi OP here....Thanks for the advice as they are all very valid points.

I think I became confused as when I called on Friday and suggested he call over for a cuddle he came over and was very affectionate etc. things felt they would be ok again.

I think due to this I felt that the space he needed was just space from the anxieties. And obviously space with his friends as he hasn't had that lately with our living arrangements , which has now thankfully changed as this was a *huge* stress on our relationship, actually the biggest one.

Was this not sending mixed messages on his part on Friday? And why would he say call if I need to but then be annoyed a few days later? Are these not conflicting actions?

I understand he needs space but I feel a little hurt that when I've come to the point of when Im actually getting help with this that he's not in any way acknowledging or supporting me.

There are issues he has had in the past in our relationship that have had negative affects on me and have been testing but I always stuck it out for him and I'm glad I did. Thankfully we have worked through these issues now.

The last few weeks of our relationship had so much stress from my anxieties so I can imagine he feels relieved to not have to deal with that at the moment.

However I'm concerned that he'll not want to come back to me after the space even though when things are good it's amazing with us. The living situation that caused the most stress in our relationship has now been resolved just this week and I feel this will make things so much easier for us but now don't know if he'll even be willing to try.

If the space period is too long does that not mean the chances of resolving this get more and more slim ? Is there really a way back from this ?

He asked for space on Thursday. Chances are he felt guilty when you rang him on Friday because he might have thought he gave you a rather strong ultimatum. Calling over for a cuddle was probably his way of clearing the air and banishing bad thoughts from your head. Telling you to call when you need to was not an invitation to ring looking for daily updates on the relationship - he probably meant if there was an emergency or if you genuinely needed something. He's probably getting irritated that, even being away from you he is being subjected to your anxiety and insecurity and this is far more likely to permanently push him away than the length of the term of "space".
He told you he was burnt out - this doesn't automatically go away because you've decided to get professional help. The fact that you are already panicking about the relationship, him not coming back to you and over-analyzing his double-meanings behind texts, calls and visits only shows him that there's been no change.

Nothing you do now can change his mind if he has decided the relationship is over. But there is plenty you can do to prevent him coming to that conclusion if he hasn't already. See your counselor. Give your partner space. Don't ring him, don't text him. If he wants to speak to you, he will contact you.

The last thing you want is a boyfriend that's still with you because he's afraid of the mental impact it will have on you if he leaves.

Merkin

I think in your anxiety to ensure that he's still your boyfriend you have become clingy and not giving him the space requested. I'd take him at his word, that he is burnt out and in need of some space from you. You have to give him this. In fact it's an indication that he probably does want it to work and that having a breather is the therapy that HE needs.

Continue on with your own treatment and hopefully when you reconcile you'll both be in a better position to enjoy a happier and more carefree relationship. But allow him this time and show him that your relationship isn't defined by neediness or dependency on your part. I hope everything works out for both of you.

Penny Tration

Hey op.

I have anxiety, so I know what way it can affect a partner, because I've done the desperately searching for reassurance thing before. And honestly, it's so tough on the partner, always walking on eggshells in case something is misinterpreted by the anxious person.

The very best thing you can do for both of you is to give him his space. It sounds like he felt very guilty on Friday when you called, so wanted to show you he does still love you. Unfortunately you read that as everything being ok. And I understand why you read it that way.

By giving him space, he can relax and just forget about everything for a while and clear his head.

The part that will help you is that, by giving him space, you're forced to learn to deal with your issues by yourself. To be honest, that's the best thing for you right now.

I've been there kind of. I was wrecking my relationship because I was irrational and freaking out all the time. I got help and now I've learned to cope and my relationship is brilliant. If I get anxious now, I just say to my partner "everything is ok isn't it?" And he reassures me and we move on. He commented recently that everything feels great and he thinks I've come really far. He doesn't mind if I ask for reassurance because it's pretty mild and doesn't affect our relationship.

You need, whatever the outcome with your boyfriend, to learn to cope. So for now, as hard as it is, just focus on therapy. If you feel anxious, you have to learn to be rational. Worried he doesn't want you? He would have dumped you, he wants to work on himself to make things better. Worried he'll decide being single is better? Doubtful if he loves you and is working on things.

If the worst happens? You'll cope, you'll heal and you'll move on in time.

If he decides he doesn't want to be together, you can't change that or control the situation. There's nothing you can do to prevent that. So dont stress out. Work on yourself and take a breather from everything else so you can put your energy into getting better.

wings123

Hi OP here again. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my messages.

Some of the advice is very hard to hear but it's good to hear things from another persons perspective.

I wrote down a list last week of the anxieties that I have and I never realised they were so extreme they were, some were completely irrational and not about the relationship, but being exposed to that constantly has had an extremely negative affect on him:(


These responses have also given me a true insight as to how destructive it is for him to listen to my anxieties and help deal with them.

There's two consistent factors that have always caused problems in our relationship - my anxieties and the living situation. Luckily there is now a solution to the living situation and I really hope we can come through this and enjoy having our own space as we've been waiting for two years for this.

I'm really serious about going to a counseller every week to work through my own issues. I feel already that I have made some progress and am starting to get to the route of the issues I've been having. There's a number of traumatic events that happensed in my life, some at quite a young age. I don't think I ever dealt with this properly, even though they happened a long time ago I think they affected me in ways that seem to make sense now. I feel like telling him this but know I can't call him as I need to respect his wishes.

I'm finding it extremely difficult not having my best friend and really hope he comes around to see that we can work through this. I think this is being made harder as we should be celebrating my living situation and we should be embracing the happiness we hoped it to bring. But I feel alone and sad that he's not here with me.

The comments about me being clingy were also good to read. It's very unattractive when someone is like that and the last thing I want to do is push him away more. Maybe if he sees I am becoming stronger and less "reliant" on him he may not feel so stressed out in the future with me.

I genuinely thought the response to this would be that he is being selfish, and being honest that's how I felt until I got some feedback from you guys and I am very grateful for that.

Would it be a good ideal to text him later in the week to let him know how I'm doing? I feel I need to let him know that I have identified my issues, should I write this in a letter maybe ? Or simply should I just leave him alone and hope he comes back to me.

CaraMay

Leave him alone op. You are being told it over and over again.

Penny Tration

It's brilliant that you can come back here and take things in that we've said, especially when they're the opposite of what you expected to hear. Well done.

Well done on being determined to stick with counselling too. It could really help you.

I wouldn't text him for a while. I'd wait until it's been a week since you last contacted him, then drop him a text if you want to. Nothing too emotional or needy, just something like - 'hey john. Thinking of you and I hope you're doing okay. I'm in therapy now and am working on my issues and starting to feel better already. I hope you're doing well. Don't worry, I won't bombard you with texts, just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you and hope you're doing okay'

Something like that is letting him know you're working on your issues, but has a few mentions of him, his feelings and a mention that you accept his need for space so won't continually message him. It shows you're taking on board his needs and not just yours.

Whatever happens though, you're doing the best thing for you right now by going to counselling and tbh that's the most important thing here.

ElleEm

I really feel for you, OP. Being in that anxious place is so hard to move out of but it is great that you are trying to work on it.

This is all about you though. You cannot rely on him to manage your emotions. Even now you are saying that you want to tell him you are working on yourself, etc. You need to focus on yourself for you. If that works, so will your relationship.

As another poster said, you need to learn to self soothe. Read some self help books, try meditation and mindfulness and maybe start a journal. Look after YOU. I would strongly advise against contacting him. He asked for space. Even if you send a breezy "I am great and getting help like you want" message, you are bringing him back into the space that he needs a break from. That is unfair to him when he is being clear conveying his needs.

Stay well x

LynnGrace

Please do take on board the advice being given. Sounds like he has been a tremendous support to you. Anxiety is horrible, and my heart goes out to you. It's exhausting on the person suffering from it, it's exhausting on those around them.
Take the time to rest, to regroup, to give your all to the counselling. Things won't be solved overnight, but you are making the right moves to address your anxiety.
I'd agree about leaving him his space, and learn all that you can about managing the anxiety yourself. Try not to text or contact him, focus on your own well being, and strategies for managing the anxiety for the future.

All the best, and take good care of yourself.

silverbolt

wings123 wrote: »

He's made it pretty clear that he needs space...that he's burned out and that at the moment this relationship isn't a positive thing for him due to my anxieties.

I know we've both been quite isolated from our friends so I understand that element of needing space but think he's being a little too extreme:(

He told me he needed space on Thursday and said to call if I needed to etc. Felt it would be a good idea to call him on Friday morning and suggested he call over so we could just be with each other and hug as we'd had a bad week and I didn't want us to have not made up before the weekend.

He said it was good to see me was very affectionate etc. so I thought things were back on track and I don't think I can be blamed for thinking that.

But when I called him earlier on today he seemed annoyed that id called and said that I'm not giving him space that he's spoken to me each day since he asked for it??

I feel really confused I don't want to suggest he come to counselling as I think it's just burdening him with more " stress". I asked him if he would like to stay with me next week and he said no.

I feel quite confused and I also feel hurt that he'd cut me off like this when I'm clearly serious about making an effort to fix my anxieties. I feel quite lonely and don't know how to approach this.

Im sorry but i do not think he is being too extreme. Speaking from experience it is very hard to be with someone who is so negative all the time. You have been together two years and its only now your dealing with your issues, issues that have been eating at both of you for awhile now.

You need for the sake of yourself and the relationship to take a step back, your constant need to have his presence is damaging for the both of you.

Your issues are not going to go away overnight, you have a long hard road ahead of you. But you need to do it for you not for him. All the best with it OP, if you can get past it, you will be a much better person for it

wings123

Hi. I felt that I had made progress with going to counselling and was starting to feel positive about things.

My gut is telling me that I have pushed him too far this time and I know that he won't want to give this another shot.

I feel devastated that I have let my anxieties ruin something that I felt lucky to have found. I am completely gutted. I'm finding it very difficult to be strong as I feel on top of my issues that I am now going through a horrible break up.

I know I need to do this for myself and see to my anxieties but it is extremely difficult to stay positive when I feel I've lost the person I love.

He's such an amazing person and I can't believe I have pushed him away. I don't think he'll be able to be with me after this.

ElleEm

Again, your anxieties are making you borrow worries from the future. Your boyfriend has simply asked for space. Let him discover for himself what he wants to do. Pull back from thinking about his thoughts/ feelings/ needs and concentrate on your own. Giving him this time may make him realise how much he misses you and it may also enable you to become more self sufficient.

wings123

ElleEm wrote: »

Again, your anxieties are making you borrow worries from the future. Your boyfriend has simply asked for space. Let him discover for himself what he wants to do. Pull back from thinking about his thoughts/ feelings/ needs and concentrate on your own. Giving him this time may make him realise how much he misses you and it may also enable you to become more self sufficient.

The thing is I know he won't miss me as I've driven him to the point where he was constantly stressed out because of me.

I became a negative factor in his life and I should have been positive for him. He won't be able to shift associating me with negatively.

I do know its over and was giving myself false hope in thinking he'll miss me and want me back.

Merkin

ElleEm wrote: »

Again, your anxieties are making you borrow worries from the future. Your boyfriend has simply asked for space. Let him discover for himself what he wants to do. Pull back from thinking about his thoughts/ feelings/ needs and concentrate on your own. Giving him this time may make him realise how much he misses you and it may also enable you to become more self sufficient.

This 100%.

Please use this time to get the best treatment possible for yourself in order to gain control of your anxiety once and for all and then other facets of your life will fall into place.

LegacyUser

OP, I'll give you my perspective on this to add to what others have said, as I spent some time with someone who had chronic anxiety issues.

Her anxiety manifested as "health" worries. I say "health", as that covered everything from living in a pigsty (a doctor told her not to stress about housework, which in her head became doing absolutely no housework as it was bad for her health), to calling or texting me every time she coughed, to the same reaction when she woke up to find a bluebottle in her room (multiple texts asking could they bite and how harmful would that be), to texting to ask me was the weather so bad that she could catch a cold, when she was less than a mile away from me, in a pub, but too far from the window to see the weather for herself and assumed I was closer to a window. At times I though she was joking as the extremity of her reactions to the most mundane of things was sometimes genuinely comical. If I tried to do my own thing, I was quizzed, why did I want to get away from her, if I tried to include her I was pressuring her. It was impossible. The above wasn't weeks worth of anxieties, that was a typical day.

I lasted about 10 months, but then I had to break up with her, for my sanity and hers. I was sick of not being able to say I had a **** day at work as that would immediately become a worry for her, I got fed up of trying to get her to do anything different or go anywhere new as those things had worries attached and I got frustrated at not being able to make a simple suggestion at an obvious solution to a minor problem without being told I was now the source of her anxiety.

You and your boyfriend are two different people to me and my ex and your issues are not exactly the same I'm sure, but I'm pretty sure his feelings now are more or less the same as mine were then, tired, frustrated, can't see himself being happy to keep on like this indefinitely, feeling alone in trying to deal with your issues and looking for the exit.

I suggest you give him the space. Not space with a time limit that suits you or a level of contact that reassures you, but real space. Use that time to work out how you're going to deal with your anxiety, because I suspect he'll want to hear some good news and reason to hope on that front or he'll be gone for good.

And I think also you should probably prepare for that possibility, he may have passed the point on no return. I don't say that to hurt or scare you, but it looks quite likely to me and you should probably prepare yourself.

zeffabelli

wings123 wrote: »

The thing is I know he won't miss me as I've driven him to the point where he was constantly stressed out because of me.

I became a negative factor in his life and I should have been positive for him. He won't be able to shift associating me with negatively.

I do know its over and was giving myself false hope in thinking he'll miss me and want me back.

You actually don't know anything you are letting fear convince you of things and fear can convince us if anything.

You are right he may not miss you, he may feel like he can breathe right now.

To be convinced of the kind of change that is not going to kill him, you will need alot more time, not a week, more like a six month to a year pattern.

wings123

Guessed wrote: »

OP, I'll give you my perspective on this to add to what others have said, as I spent some time with someone who had chronic anxiety issues.

Her anxiety manifested as "health" worries. I say "health", as that covered everything from living in a pigsty (a doctor told her not to stress about housework, which in her head became doing absolutely no housework as it was bad for her health), to calling or texting me every time she coughed, to the same reaction when she woke up to find a bluebottle in her room (multiple texts asking could they bite and how harmful would that be), to texting to ask me was the weather so bad that she could catch a cold, when she was less than a mile away from me, in a pub, but too far from the window to see the weather for herself and assumed I was closer to a window. At times I though she was joking as the extremity of her reactions to the most mundane of things was sometimes genuinely comical. If I tried to do my own thing, I was quizzed, why did I want to get away from her, if I tried to include her I was pressuring her. It was impossible. The above wasn't weeks worth of anxieties, that was a typical day.

I lasted about 10 months, but then I had to break up with her, for my sanity and hers. I was sick of not being able to say I had a **** day at work as that would immediately become a worry for her, I got fed up of trying to get her to do anything different or go anywhere new as those things had worries attached and I got frustrated at not being able to make a simple suggestion at an obvious solution to a minor problem without being told I was now the source of her anxiety.

You and your boyfriend are two different people to me and my ex and your issues are not exactly the same I'm sure, but I'm pretty sure his feelings now are more or less the same as mine were then, tired, frustrated, can't see himself being happy to keep on like this indefinitely, feeling alone in trying to deal with your issues and looking for the exit.

I suggest you give him the space. Not space with a time limit that suits you or a level of contact that reassures you, but real space. Use that time to work out how you're going to deal with your anxiety, because I suspect he'll want to hear some good news and reason to hope on that front or he'll be gone for good.

And I think also you should probably prepare for that possibility, he may have passed the point on no return. I don't say that to hurt or scare you, but it looks quite likely to me and you should probably prepare yourself.

Thanks for your honest reply. That's how feel at the moment, he's just so exhausted from dealing with my constant problems that its a relief for him to be away from me.

He has also had problems in the past and I did support him through these. I didn't give up on him and I'm glad of that.

I know that it was extremely difficult for him now and would do anything to try and fix this. If your ex had put serious effort into fixing the issues she was having do you think you would have given it another shot ?

I've never been needy or stopped him doing things he's wanted to do. We are both quite independent and due to where I lived we could only see each other at weekends which meant we were some what isolated.

my living arrangements was also a huge factor in our relationship too but that has now been resolved which would take a huge amount of any negativity if he was willing to give it a go. Also I am taking positive steps to try and sort out my anxieties which is the other negative factor.

The chemistry we have is amazing and I'm so annoyed at myself for potentially messing this up. I would like to add that he has spoken to a few family members about this now. His family are incredibly supportive so I'm hoping the fact he spoke to them will help him over come this.

I

Penny Tration

How do you know you haven't prevented him from doing anything? If your anxiety is as bad as it seems, chances are there's been many times he's been too afraid to do something for fear of setting your anxiety off.

Have you contacted him since starting this thread? You've suddenly decided he's done with you and it's gone too far and have mentioned that he's now talking to family about it. That makes it sound as though you've been contacting him. And if you have, then he could certainly be done with it all.

wings123

Penny Tration wrote: »

How do you know you haven't prevented him from doing anything? If your anxiety is as bad as it seems, chances are there's been many times he's been too afraid to do something for fear of setting your anxiety off.

Have you contacted him since starting this thread? You've suddenly decided he's done with you and it's gone too far and have mentioned that he's now talking to family about it. That makes it sound as though you've been contacting him. And if you have, then he could certainly be done with it all.

He's a very strong minded person so he will not do anything he doesn't want to do. Also I've always reassured him to never feel under pressure to do something with me if he feels like seeing his friends or doing sport. They are important to him. My anxieties didn't revolve around our relationship and I we both trust each other 100%.

I feel now that it is done as we've never been more than a few hours arguing so this pattern is new. By this stage we would have made up. We've always made up with each other but it's not the case this time.

Him talking to his family is a good thing for him and hopefully he won't feel so alone now dealing with what has happened. He had everything bottled up to himself which again is difficult.

I spoke to a close member of his family last night and they are were aware of the difficulties that I've been having. They are very supportive to me and encouraging me to be positive and get the help I need.

Penny Tration

Ah Jesus, you went and got in touch with his family?

I'm really not trying to be rude but you're doing the exact opposite of giving him space.

And to be blunt, if you can't even give him the space he asked for then there's every chance he's had enough now. His family will tell him you contacted them.

Merkin

Contacting his family was really inadvisable unfortunately OP. Space doesn't just mean him but every one associated with him as well as other mediums like social media etc. To me space is cutting all types of contact or association for a set period of time. Contacting a family member is a bit of an invasion of privacy tbh.

wings123

Penny Tration wrote: »

Ah Jesus, you went and got in touch with his family?

I'm really not trying to be rude but you're doing the exact opposite of giving him space.

And to be blunt, if you can't even give him the space he asked for then there's every chance he's had enough now. His family will tell him you contacted them.

His family and I are very close, they are like my extended family and extremily kind people. He definately won't have an issue with me talking to them as they are very supportive to both of us. It would be like me being annoyed he spoke to them, but I'm not , I'm actually happy.

I'm in touch regularly with them and it wasnt right speaking to them and not being honest. It's good that I can be honest with them instead of pretending that things are ok when they are clearly not. And I'm glad that he is getting the support he needs from them as he's being dealing with this alone.

I genuinely don't think this is a negative thing. They wanted to talk to me too. I'm giving him the space he needs, that doesn't mean I have to cut of all the relationships that I have developed with people over the last couple of years...

Tilly

wings123 wrote: »

that doesn't mean I have to cut of all the relationships that I have developed with people over the last couple of years...

Yes it does, it 10000000% does mean that.

If i wanted a break from someone and they were chatting away to my family i'd hit the roof. A break means hearing nothing about that person. If his family go back and tell him they were talking to you he'll think you didnt listen to a single word he has asked of you. I promise you this!

Magicmatilda

What is your situation with your own family?
Have you friends that you can lean on?

I really don't think contacting or involving his family is a good thing at all. They are his family and will ultimately support him. They should not be your support network.

What action have you taken in relation to your anxiety? Have you attended a counsellor?

Are you working at the minute?

You really need to leave him alone, completely. No calls, texts, messages or comments on social media. Perhaps you have gone to far but if you have then how are you going to cope with that? What other supports do you have in place?

I would suggest you start trying to build a life away from him with your own friends, hobbies and interests. Even if he does come back that would be the healthiest thing for you both.

Penny Tration

But you're contacting his family to talk about him. That's not giving him space because they will tell him so he's still hearing from you second hand. That's not fair to him.

If you are close to his family that's lovely, but what you did wasn't done because you missed his family, was it? It was to talk about him. You should have spoken to your own family if you needed a sounding board, not his.

It's almost manipulative how you're justifying it. You gave him space because you didn't speak to him? Simply not true because only a few days in and he's hearing about you talking to his family.

If you want any chance of this relationship working, you need to start respecting his wishes. It may already be too late now.

zeffabelli

wings123 wrote: »

His family and I are very close, they are like my extended family and extremily kind people. He definately won't have an issue with me talking to them as they are very supportive to both of us. It would be like me being annoyed he spoke to them, but I'm not , I'm actually happy.

I'm in touch regularly with them and it wasnt right speaking to them and not being honest. It's good that I can be honest with them instead of pretending that things are ok when they are clearly not. And I'm glad that he is getting the support he needs from them as he's being dealing with this alone.

I genuinely don't think this is a negative thing. They wanted to talk to me too. I'm giving him the space he needs, that doesn't mean I have to cut of all the relationships that I have developed with people over the last couple of years...

It means you have to disconnect from third parties otherwise it's like a smog that travels into his headspace.

If they did the reaching and contacted you then it might be understandable that you spoke to them but if you did the reaching...

Clearly you know he hit his limit already and you keep crossing the boundaries...

If this is compulsive out maybe you can't control yourself but it really does drive people insane.

I had to cut off from a good friend because of similar traits of ocd s d serious anxiety I just couldn't even take being in the same room eventually and they wasn't even romantic.

Your lucky his family was understanding. My friend phoned a friend of mine and she ripped through him for a short cut.

You really need to start facing the effects you are having.

ShaShaBear

I hope for your sake that his family don't feel obliged to interfere and try to resolve things out of concern for your mental health. Being "honest" with them is not good. In fact, it is absolutely none of their business what is going on with your relationship unless he decides to divulge that information.

<SNIP>

It beggars belief that you are so confident of his family's feelings about you and yet you can't seem to get a grasp of how your partner might feel. Their number one priority is their son, not you, and you would do well do not drag them into it and force them to choose sides. It won't be yours.

ElleEm

I agree with the other posters. You overstepped the mark speaking to his family. He can chat to them all he wants because they are HIS family. They are HIS support. If you break up, they will most likely ease contact with you and focus on him. You need to use YOUR people for support. You really should not have involved them in this. Even if you came off well in last night's conversation, it may mean that his family are encouraging him to contact you... more pressure. I feel so bad for this fella. He has been so brave and honest declaring his needs and you are totally disregarding it.

LegacyUser

It sounds like he's really really really trying to keep the relationship together. If he wasn't things would be over, definitively. It sounds like as important, if not more so, than him having some space, is him feeling like you are capable of giving him space if he needs it. And so far you haven't shown that at all. You've done quite the opposite. Therapists have years of training behind themselves to fall back on, and they are still advised to have a therapist of their own to deal with the stress and overload of trying to constantly help people with their problems, to help them avoid burning out. Your boyfriend has none of that. It sounds like he loves you. And it sounds like he wants to help and support you. But he doesn't have 4 years of training and a therapist to help him do that. It's just him, trying his best, and it's finally gotten on top of him.

I think you should let him know how much you appreciate all the ongoing selfless support he's been giving you. Apologize for the difficulty you've had with giving him the space he's asked for to recharge. And promise that you will be giving him the space he needs starting now (as you haven't at all so far).

He's trying to make this relationship work in very difficult circumstances. You're undermining his efforts.

wings123

I never looked it like that about the space so thanks for giving me that perspective.

I really didn't think it would be an issue as they already knew what was going on as he told them.

I do have my own support network too and I would never try to get someone to take sides. But it was good to hear some encouragement from them that I am doing the right thing getting help. It was also good to know he is being supported by them too so hes not dealing with this on his own. I don't think they'd feel obliged to to anything and tbh if he's made his mind up there's nothing anyone or me can do to change it.

But I do take your points on board and thank you.

Merkin

ShaShaBear wrote: »

I hope for your sake that his family don't feel obliged to interfere and try to resolve things out of concern for your mental health. Being "honest" with them is not good. In fact, it is absolutely none of their business what is going on with your relationship unless he decides to divulge that information.

<SNIP>

It beggars belief that you are so confident of his family's feelings about you and yet you can't seem to get a grasp of how your partner might feel. Their number one priority is their son, not you, and you would do well do not drag them into it and force them to choose sides. It won't be yours.

You've been around long enough to know better Shasha. Please don't use insulting euphemisms for mental health issues again.

OP, I have been following your thread and can see traces of old behaviour of mine.
I know that you are really scared right now and just wish you had your relationship back. Your boyfriend has asked for space because he cares enough about you and the relationship.

An ex of mine wanted space. Unfortunately he didn't communicate it very well and instead wouldn't answer his phone for three days. I was sick with worry. When he did contact me it was to break up. I was going through a really tough time and he didn't feel that he could continue to support me. My texts and calls had become too much.

Please listen to the advice you have received here OP.

You need to start putting yourself first now and ensuring that you have a strong support network around you. It's not easy not contact him but you must be strong and resist. I wish you the best.

zeffabelli

wings123 wrote: »

I never looked it like that about the space so thanks for giving me that perspective.

I really didn't think it would be an issue as they already knew what was going on as he told them.

I do have my own support network too and I would never try to get someone to take sides. But it was good to hear some encouragement from them that I am doing the right thing getting help. It was also good to know he is being supported by them too so hes not dealing with this on his own. I don't think they'd feel obliged to to anything and tbh if he's made his mind up there's nothing anyone or me can do to change it.

But I do take your points on board and thank you.

With every point of contact you push him in the direction of making his mind up....

Sound Bite

Op I once dated someone with anxiety issues similar to yourself and as others have pointed out it can be extremely draining.

While I loved my ex and care for him still, I know I can't be with him. That said, I would never rule out us getting back together in the future but only if he has undergone significant counselling and resolved his anxiety issues. I'm talking years down the road as anxiety isn't something that can be changed in the short term

Accept that you can't be together now. Focus on working through your issues and improving yourself. Even if you and him never get back together years down the line, at least you will be in a better position. you need to seek help as no matter what, without resolving the issues, it will affect future relationships too.

silverbolt

OP for the sake of your relationship please listen to what invariably we have all said. Cut contact and give him his space.

You are not respecting him at all, your are trying to find ways to circumvent his space request by contacting his family (and they will take his side not yours)

The more you push this, the more you will push him away.

LegacyUser

Drago HiHat wrote: »

... Therapists have years of training behind themselves to fall back on, and they are still advised to have a therapist of their own to deal with the stress and overload of trying to constantly help people with their problems, to help them avoid burning out. Your boyfriend has none of that. It sounds like he loves you. And it sounds like he wants to help and support you. But he doesn't have 4 years of training and a therapist to help him do that. It's just him, trying his best, and it's finally gotten on top of him.
...
He's trying to make this relationship work in very difficult circumstances. You're undermining his efforts.

I thought this was an excellent point re therapists. It sounds like he is trying to cope in the only way he knows how, by pulling back from you / your issues, because he knows he can't keep on handling it.

It's not your fault that you have anxiety issues, but it's not his fault that he can't solve them for you either. He sounds overwhelmed by it, but the good news is that if he has asked for space, that seems to me to show that he hasn't given up.

But! - you are way overstepping boundaries with contacting him and his family. I presume your anxiety re the future of your relationship is a factor
in doing that, but he has told you clearly that he needs space, and you are doing your best to ignore it. Not necessarily on purpose, but the effect on him is the same whether you're overcrowding him deliberately or due to your anxiety.

It's a great step that you are looking for help for your issues, that is brave and positive. But, hard as it is, you just can't rely on him to reassure you and make you feel better. That bit is up to you. Hopefully when he can see positive moves in the right direction, he won't feel so overwhelmed by it all and will come back to you. That's got to be up to him though, and if you keep overstepping things, that's just demonstrating to him the very reasons why he wanted space in the first place.

I really hope all works out for you, the very best with it all. A tough place to be in.

wings123

Good point re therapists wrote: »

I thought this was an excellent point re therapists. It sounds like he is trying to cope in the only way he knows how, by pulling back from you / your issues, because he knows he can't keep on handling it.

It's not your fault that you have anxiety issues, but it's not his fault that he can't solve them for you either. He sounds overwhelmed by it, but the good news is that if he has asked for space, that seems to me to show that he hasn't given up.

But! - you are way overstepping boundaries with contacting him and his family. I presume your anxiety re the future of your relationship is a factor
in doing that, but he has told you clearly that he needs space, and you are doing your best to ignore it. Not necessarily on purpose, but the effect on him is the same whether you're overcrowding him deliberately or due to your anxiety.

It's a great step that you are looking for help for your issues, that is brave and positive. But, hard as it is, you just can't rely on him to reassure you and make you feel better. That bit is up to you. Hopefully when he can see positive moves in the right direction, he won't feel so overwhelmed by it all and will come back to you. That's got to be up to him though, and if you keep overstepping things, that's just demonstrating to him the very reasons why he wanted space in the first place.

I really hope all works out for you, the very best with it all. A tough place to be in.

Yes that's a really good point about the therapist. He's asked for the space so I am giving it to him and not contacting him. he needs to clear his head. This doesn't necessarily mean that he has given up on us and I will trust him when he said that.

Another really valid point I never even thought of is that it's not my fault that I have it but its not his fault either. And I can't even blame the causes or roots of it as he has been affected either way.

Hopefully he will come back, I'm not contacting him and respecting his need for space to prove I can be understanding of what he's gone through. I hope by doing this and by me continuing to get help that we can get through this.

It's odd, one hour I feel I've lost him for good and a few hours later I feel positive that we'll work through this. We've been through a lot together so hopefully this will be something we can overcome too as we have finally managed to resolve the living situation which was also a big factor that caused us problems

beks101

To be honest OP your relationship sounds stifling. You are clinging to this man for dear life, to the detriment of your and his own mental health, and his wishes , and indefinitely, persistently putting your needs before his own.

I'm not surprised he's looking for space. As someone else mentioned - he is not a trained psychotherapist, and yet this relationship has put him in a place where he is expected to be one, and he is expected to infinitely prioritize your feelings and forget about his own. One can only do that for so long before it becomes unsustainable.

And now that he has tried to temporarily extract himself from the equation, to find some peace of mind and allow you the time and space to develop your own coping strategies and independence. And instead of dealing with your issues head-on, you are fixating on him, calling him selfish, disregarding his feelings and breaching his trust over and over, to quell your anxiety.

Just STOP, OP. You will lose this man if you continue to overwhelm him with your issues. You will lose him if it continues to be a one-sided relationship where your stress levels determine how good or how bad a day he will have. You will lose him if you continue to NOT listen to what he's actually saying and NOT respect his needs.

There are two people in this relationship. Not just you and your anxiety.

Use this valuable time to see your counsellor and work through the issues at the root of your acute anxiety for once and for all. Use it to figure out why you can't get through the day without the panic and the fear and the deep stress and don't do it for the glory of sending him a text at the end of the day to tell him you're "working on your issues".

Do it because it's no life to spend your every-day like that, fretting about anything and everything and drowned out by white noise. Do it because you can never be happy inside or out of any relationship with these issues. Do it because you're worth more than the torture of these anxieties, and you can never make anyone happy as long as they are at the forefront of your life.

And give your OH the space he needs, WITHOUT this countdown clock in your head as to when it's OK to contact him again. Without the loopholes of getting to him through his family, or guilting him into cuddles. Put his needs ahead of your own for a change. And find the help you need.

TimeToShine

I really feel sorry for this guy.

zeffabelli

wings123 wrote: »

Yes that's a really good point about the therapist. He's asked for the space so I am giving it to him and not contacting him. he needs to clear his head. This doesn't necessarily mean that he has given up on us and I will trust him when he said that.

Another really valid point I never even thought of is that it's not my fault that I have it but its not his fault either. And I can't even blame the causes or roots of it as he has been affected either way.

Hopefully he will come back, I'm not contacting him and respecting his need for space to prove I can be understanding of what he's gone through. I hope by doing this and by me continuing to get help that we can get through this.

It's odd, one hour I feel I've lost him for good and a few hours later I feel positive that we'll work through this. We've been through a lot together so hopefully this will be something we can overcome too as we have finally managed to resolve the living situation which was also a big factor that caused us problems

No it's not your fault that you have it but you are still responsible for it.

It's like having a pet.

Also boyfriends are not shrinks.

I don't understand, work through what? There is nothing to work through. You are inappropriately dumping anxiety on him and likely others around you. You are a reassurance junkie. Everyone needs reassurance every so often but you have to be more independent.

Being able to love someone means being able to respect their autonomy - that is part of it...

It's like you're not really getting it listening to what people are saying here.

Find a project or something to go for the next three days.

Shrap

wings123 wrote: »

I feel now that it is done as we've never been more than a few hours arguing so this pattern is new. By this stage we would have made up. We've always made up with each other but it's not the case this time.

Ok OP, this is the only part I want to address in your post from yesterday. I didn't know you had argued with your bf? Did I miss that bit, or are you basing this crisis on his momentary annoyance that you contacted him on the Saturday and he gave out to you about not giving him the space he'd asked for?

I'm thinking you have a bit of a skewed view of what an argument is if that is the case. You've been suffering away all week under the impression that you've rowed, but actually you've made all that up by yourself. You did not row, you got told. Genuinely OP, I think you're quite insightful about yourself but you're blinkered by your anxiety at the moment. You seem well able to take on board what people are saying to you (if it's useful) so have a little go with this theory:

You have not had a row. You have just had to be asked more firmly to give space. Not a row. No apologies or EXPLANATIONS necessary on your part or his. Especially no explanations. Or crisis talks. Or analysis of how you felt every day this week in minute detail.......he does not owe you any of this so wind your neck in, hold yourself back and cop that you ARE NOT arguing and any of the feelings that you've been having about this are all your own, he won't be needing to hear all about them. He's probably fine. I hope he is getting a break from all the analysis and fears, don't you?

Neyite

TimeToShine wrote: »

I really feel sorry for this guy.

Mod:

This is an advice forum. Your one-liner observation is in no way constructive, helpful or even advice for the OP. Further pointless quips like this that are only jibes towards the op will earn a warning or ban.

wings123

beks101 wrote: »

To be honest OP your relationship sounds stifling. You are clinging to this man for dear life, to the detriment of your and his own mental health, and his wishes , and indefinitely, persistently putting your needs before his own.

I'm not surprised he's looking for space. As someone else mentioned - he is not a trained psychotherapist, and yet this relationship has put him in a place where he is expected to be one, and he is expected to infinitely prioritize your feelings and forget about his own. One can only do that for so long before it becomes unsustainable.

And now that he has tried to temporarily extract himself from the equation, to find some peace of mind and allow you the time and space to develop your own coping strategies and independence. And instead of dealing with your issues head-on, you are fixating on him, calling him selfish, disregarding his feelings and breaching his trust over and over, to quell your anxiety.

Just STOP, OP. You will lose this man if you continue to overwhelm him with your issues. You will lose him if it continues to be a one-sided relationship where your stress levels determine how good or how bad a day he will have. You will lose him if you continue to NOT listen to what he's actually saying and NOT respect his needs.

There are two people in this relationship. Not just you and your anxiety.

Use this valuable time to see your counsellor and work through the issues at the root of your acute anxiety for once and for all. Use it to figure out why you can't get through the day without the panic and the fear and the deep stress and don't do it for the glory of sending him a text at the end of the day to tell him you're "working on your issues".

Do it because it's no life to spend your every-day like that, fretting about anything and everything and drowned out by white noise. Do it because you can never be happy inside or out of any relationship with these issues. Do it because you're worth more than the torture of these anxieties, and you can never make anyone happy as long as they are at the forefront of your life.

And give your OH the space he needs, WITHOUT this countdown clock in your head as to when it's OK to contact him again. Without the loopholes of getting to him through his family, or guilting him into cuddles. Put his needs ahead of your own for a change. And find the help you need.

Yes this is a good point, he may need to see that I am capable of coping with my issues on my own as opposed to relying on him to vent.

Also another good point is my stresses can influence the mood in our relationship. When things are great they are amazing but when I am out of control with stress it must have been quite stressful for him feeling so helpless and frustrated. He must have felt so helpless which is stressful for him.

At no point have I ever called him selfish, he is an extremely kind and selfless person. Hes the opposite of selfish and the best boyfriend I could have ever hoped for.

I am focusing hard on my own issues and am working hard on them and am continuing to go to a counsellor. I am doing this for me to try identify why my anxieties have gotten out of control. I need to do this as quite frankly I'm exhausted from the over thinking and self doubt on a continuous basis. I want my negative thought pattern to stop as its extremely unhealthy. Some times it's not so bad and I'm even overly positive,
It's either one extreme or the other,
but the anxiety really peaked the last few weeks.

I would also like the point out there has been a huge outside stress factors that I had to deal with but these stressful factors have thankfully been solved in the last few weeks - however the anxieties didn't resolve.

I'm just finding if difficult at the thoughts of losing someone I love and someone who I have become very close to. Already I am starting to cope well with dealing with my other issues and need to do this for myself. I can see now how irrational some of my worries were after even one session of counselling, where as before hand I thought they were relational. I think this is a major step in the right derection as I have taken.

But I do think anyone with or without anxiety issues would find it extremely difficult waiting to hear if the person they love wants to give it another go or wants to never hear from you again. We were not over dependant on each other but we do have a very special connection despite of what we've been through.

It's the waiting that is difficult as I don't know how long I will have to wait to find out. I do think most people would find that difficult and I think I am being strong giving him the space he's asked for. It's the not knowing is difficult.

zeffabelli

I was going to reply to last post but op you have a counsellor, you have friends, you have leaned on his family, and you have people here who have taken time out to try to help you, and you are not listening.

<SNIP>

wings123

I am grateful for all the advice I have received on this forum and thank you for responding.

It has been a huge help to be able to gather my thoughts and write them down during this tough time for me. I've gotten honest feedback which has been good to hear as I may not have come to certain realisations on my own.

I've also been able to see this situation from a different perspective that I may not have if I didn't ask for advice.

Many of you have been honest and very encouraging and I have taken most points given to me on this and have gained a different perspectives which is invaluable to me.

I have many friends, family and counsellor but have I also found it extremely helpful to gather my thoughts and get advice from posters on this forum.