Friend advice needed

mamabear20

So I had my little man's christening last week and I received a message from a friend of mine who said she felt I had made zero effort to spend time with her on the day and I had given preference to other tables and groups of friends, she was sitting in a group of people and her boyfriend was also there so she was not alone, other people in the group did not feel this way as I have spoken to them

I also had a big group if people so waw moving around from table to table to try and speak to everyone

I feel hurt by her assertion and feel it has put some badness on what was a day for my child, how would you all deal with this?

Lucyfur

Hi OP,

I've moved your thread to Personal Issues. It's better suited here.

Lucy.

CaraMay

I wouldn't reply. What a primadonna! Don't give it any airtime.

Mr. Incognito

Get better friends that aren't selfish immature morons

Icsics

Ignore it, she must be very insecure

retro:electro

Wow. What a princess. If I were you I wouldn't reply, but if you must then keep it short and sweet; "sorry you feel that way. Thats a shame". Don't bother going beyond that. Is she usually this needy and petulant?

rainbowtrout

Does she behave like this all the time or was this a once off? If she is like this all the time then it's probably best to ignore it and forget about it. But if not does she genuinely feel like you snubbed her on the day, even though it might have been unintentional on your part? Did you even say hello to her in passing during the day? Maybe she just felt that if you hadn't bid her the time of day, that she was just there as a shake down for a christening present.

LegacyUser

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Does she behave like this all the time or was this a once off? If she is like this all the time then it's probably best to ignore it and forget about it. But if not does she genuinely feel like you snubbed her on the day, even though it might have been unintentional on your part? Did you even say hello to her in passing during the day? Maybe she just felt that if you hadn't bid her the time of day, that she was just there as a shake down for a christening present.

This. I don't know what her circumstances are: maybe she made a big effort to make time for the christening or cancelled something to be there. Maybe she couldn't really afford to buy a present, but did, for your sake. Maybe she has some issues going on about fertility or kids, and it was hard for her to go, but did for your sake.

Tbh if you didn't speak to her at all, I'd say that you were in the wrong. Her reaction does seem OTT, but I don't know her personal circumstances to gauge that. If she thinks that you didn't speak to her 'enough', in comparison with others - I'd find that a bit excessive on her part.

frostyjacks

How would I deal with it? Simple. Don't ever invite her to a social gathering again.

The actual brass beck on someone to complain about not getting enough attention on the day of your son's Christening.

pookie82

mamabear20 wrote: »

So I had my little man's christening last week and I received a message from a friend of mine who said she felt I had made zero effort to spend time with her on the day and I had given preference to other tables and groups of friends, she was sitting in a group of people and her boyfriend was also there so she was not alone, other people in the group did not feel this way as I have spoken to them

I also had a big group if people so waw moving around from table to table to try and speak to everyone

I feel hurt by her assertion and feel it has put some badness on what was a day for my child, how would you all deal with this?

I'd consider her circumstance. By any chance has she had a host of engagement parties, weddings, house warmings, christenings, and general other people's events to attend of late? Was it difficult for her to be there? Did she make an effort for your sake?

All of these occasions require gifts also, i.e. money - as someone else said, maybe she felt she was just invited along to contribute and the person she was there for paid her little heed on the day.

I've found it to be the case with a lot of my friends that I go to such events and they're so busy "circulating" I barely get to talk to them and it seems like a waste of time, BUT if I had refused to attend, I'd have been blacklisted. I've never bothered saying anything to them, but it is annoying. Maybe that's where she's coming from. Did you even give her 5 minutes of your time and thank her for showing up?

CaraMay

IMHO there's no excuse for her behaviour but if and that's a big if, there's any background to this issue then she should have talked to the op and nots ent her a message.

rainbowtrout

Just as an aside how big was this christening? Like most weddings I've been to have been 200+ people and I've never been to one where I didn't speak to a bride/ groom even if it was only for 2 minutes given how busy they are on the day and how structured weddings tend to be with photos and bridal party sitting at top table etc.

How big does a christening have to be to not go to a table and say hello to a group for five minutes and thank them for coming?

meeeeh

She didn't put badness on your child"s day. If you believe in the whole original sin bit then actual baptism was a part of the day for your child. The rest is the party for adults and usual courtesy applies. if you don't believe in original sin then the whole thing is for adults (it was in my case). She is overreacting but if you invite people then you do owe them some basic courtesy. Don't turn it into big drama about your son because it's not. Just apologize that it wasn't intentional and don't invite her next time.

Poor form on behalf of the friend. You did nothing wrong.

mamabear20

pookie82 wrote: »

I'd consider her circumstance. By any chance has she had a host of engagement parties, weddings, house warmings, christenings, and general other people's events to attend of late? Was it difficult for her to be there? Did she make an effort for your sake?

All of these occasions require gifts also, i.e. money - as someone else said, maybe she felt she was just invited along to contribute and the person she was there for paid her little heed on the day.

I've found it to be the case with a lot of my friends that I go to such events and they're so busy "circulating" I barely get to talk to them and it seems like a waste of time, BUT if I had refused to attend, I'd have been blacklisted. I've never bothered saying anything to them, but it is annoying. Maybe that's where she's coming from. Did you even give her 5 minutes of your time and thank her for showing up?

This person had not.got married as of yet. I have attended a lot of her do.S even when 5 months pregnant and did not have an issue with it

I sat with her at the table a good bit of time the same I got to everyone else really at the end if the night I sat at that table till they left

mamabear20

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Does she behave like this all the time or was this a once off? If she is like this all the time then it's probably best to ignore it and forget about it. But if not does she genuinely feel like you snubbed her on the day, even though it might have been unintentional on your part? Did you even say hello to her in passing during the day? Maybe she just felt that if you hadn't bid her the time of day, that she was just there as a shake down for a christening present.

She actually didn't bring a present but had gotten a really good present when baby was born

mamabear20

rainbowtrout wrote: »

Just as an aside how big was this christening? Like most weddings I've been to have been 200+ people and I've never been to one where I didn't speak to a bride/ groom even if it was only for 2 minutes given how busy they are on the day and how structured weddings tend to be with photos and bridal party sitting at top table etc.

How big does a christening have to be to not go to a table and say hello to a group for five minutes and thank them for coming?

There was about 80 people there and I absolutely went to the table to thank them for coming and I sat with them as much as I did with anyone else, no one else at the same table seemed to have this issue that's what I find hard to understand

rainbowtrout

mamabear20 wrote: »

There was about 80 people there and I absolutely went to the table to thank them for coming and I sat with them as much as I did with anyone else, no one else at the same table seemed to have this issue that's what I find hard to understand

Well taking all that into account then I think she's just being a bit precious. You did your bit what more can you do. She could hardly expect you to sit down with her all night exclusively.

If you are invited to something, where the person inviting you is essentially the focus of attention for the event (or at least is hosting it), then you just can't assume that they'll be able to give you much attention, especially when there are many other people too.

OP, you can't make everyone happy. There's usually one precious one or one drama queen. Don't let it bother you too much.

Pawwed Rig

There is always a pooper at every party. I would just ignore it if I was you.

mamabear20

Thanks All and to make matters worse she has now said that I need to admit to myself where I spent most of my day and that my birthday party was the same earlier this year, she seems to have issues when I spend time with other friends, she has few friends due to fights in the past etc. And I am now wondering if she has an issue with the fact that I have other friends and maybe she sees them.as competition hence why she got annoyed when I spent time with them at my birthday party and christening

rainbowtrout

Ah it becomes so much clearer. The problem is hers. She'll just have to get used to the fact that you have more friends than her.

retro:electro

I wouldn't even bother indulging her any further, sounds like she loves the drama. Leave her be op, you can't reason with stupid.

CaraMay

Definitely do not indulge her anymore. She sounds very neurotic and self centred.

mamabear20

It's so good to talk this out I have since learned she told a mutual friend that she will not be changing her view and I need to stop lying to myself and be honest with myself, so basically she thinks I am in denial about where I spent the day, this is madness I can't believe that I have to explain my actions on days like this it's crazy

retro:electro

Op, anyone with half a brain will realise what an unreasonable cow she is being. Sure let her off telling people what her problem is, all that does is make her look like a needy weirdo. This is the perfect time to cut ties with her, what a selfish and immature girl. I could not ever see a "friend" in the same light after those comments about where you spent your time on your child's christening. So unbelievably out of order.

mamabear20

anna080 wrote: »

Op, anyone with half a brain will realise what an unreasonable cow she is being. Sure let her off telling people what her problem is, all that does is make her look like a needy weirdo. This is the perfect time to cut ties with her, what a selfish and immature girl. I could not ever see a "friend" in the same light after those comments about where you spent your time on your child's christening. So unbelievably out of order.

Thanks so much this makes me feel better it's just unfortunate because we have been friends for so long and that's her response she doesn't get obviously that it's hurtful to me and to insinuate that's others at the christening day were probably thinking the same about me is blatently stirring and trying to create bad feeling about a good day

Ursus Horribilis

Life's too short to have people like this "friend" in it. She sounds jealous, clingy, immature and a wee bit vindictive. I also wonder at the really good present she bought you when the baby was born. Was she trying to buy your attention?

It says a lot about her that she has lost quite a few of her other friends. She obviously doesn't understand that you hold onto your friends by being nice to them, being a pleasant person to be around and by not stirring things up. It's telling that she's still sticking to her guns and telling other people that you're a liar. I don't know about you but I'd not want to stay friends with someone who treated me like that.

Call me Al

She sounds incredibly needy, immature and self-absorbed and I'm stunned she actually said this to you, justified or otherwise. It's your child's christening, and she is just one of 80 guests to speak with. I'd think many are relatives you don't see or talk with too often.
I'd tell her i was sorry she felt like that, that you didn't believe you were rude towards anyone, and forget about it.

And going forward I would actually keep my distance. Polite, civil but not a buddy. Maybe she will grow up eventually.

retro:electro

mamabear20 wrote: »

Thanks so much this makes me feel better it's just unfortunate because we have been friends for so long and that's her response she doesn't get obviously that it's hurtful to me and to insinuate that's others at the christening day were probably thinking the same about me is blatently stirring and trying to create bad feeling about a good day

Don't even waste your time thinking about her. You could spend so much thought and energy into defending yourself and trying to make her see this from your perspective, but what's the point? She needs attention and will get it from you one way or another; don't let her. Let her off with her giving out, everyone will realise what a complete ejit she is

MagicMarker

TBH I'd have more of an issue with 80 people being invited to watch a man in a robe squirt some magic water onto a baby.

Call me Al

This person is a bit too headstrong for her own good. No wonder she's burning her bridges with other people.

Let her off. She will eventually realise the hard way that the world doesn't revolve around her.

Merkin

MagicMarker wrote: »

TBH I'd have more of an issue with 80 people being invited to watch a man in a robe squirt some magic water onto a baby.

Your posts have become increasingly unhelpful. Please go and remind yourself of the charter and what constitutes a helpful and relevant post before posting anything akin to above again.

mamabear20

Call me Al wrote: »

This person is a bit too headstrong for her own good. No wonder she's burning her bridges with other people.

Let her off. She will eventually realise the hard way that the world doesn't revolve around her.

This makes so much sense, she is really headstrong and it's amazing how she feels she can say what she likes to people but when I challenge her opinion I am in denial and "not being honest "

CaraMay

mamabear20 wrote: »

This makes so much sense, she is really headstrong and it's amazing how she feels she can say what she likes to people but when I challenge her opinion I am in denial and "not being honest "

Op a christening day (for those who choose to christen their kids) is a really lovely day. By allowing her into your head you are alloeing her chip away at that 'happiness'. Why are you giving her so much airtime when you have much more important things to be thinking about. She sounds like a total head wreck

mamabear20

Ok so trying to be the bigger person I called her yesterday to suggest we agree to disagree and disaster, she wanted to tell me she is annoyed that I am not staying at the hotel for a wedding of a mutual friend of ours, I explained the venue is 10 minutes from my house by taxi so it would save money to stay at home as we also have another wedding that week as well as paying a childminder, mortgage etc.

What really annoys me is that the bride understands completely and doesn't have an issue as I spoke to her directly, also if the wedding was very far away from my house of course I would stay

So now she has an issue I won't stay in the hotel for the wedding as she feels it's bullahit that I am using money for an excuse, when I got married 5 years ago this friend didn't give me a wedding present for over a year as she was struggling financially ( I completely understood at the time and didn't have an issue) so it's infuriating that she can have a go at me for something that does not affect her at all, I am so mad

mamabear20

Ok so trying to be the bigger person I called her yesterday to suggest we agree to disagree and disaster, she wanted to tell me she is annoyed that I am not staying at the hotel for a wedding of a mutual friend of ours, I explained the venue is 10 minutes from my house by taxi so it would save money to stay at home as we also have another wedding that week as well as paying a childminder, mortgage etc.

What really annoys me is that the bride understands completely and doesn't have an issue as I spoke to her directly, also if the wedding was very far away from my house of course I would stay

So now she has an issue I won't stay in the hotel for the wedding as she feels it's bullahit that I am using money for an excuse, when I got married 5 years ago this friend didn't give me a wedding present for over a year as she was struggling financially ( I completely understood at the time and didn't have an issue) so it's infuriating that she can have a go at me for something that does not affect her at all, I am so mad

CaraMay

Why do you keep going back for more? She's clearly unhinged.

Call me Al

I think you've finally seen the light.

You don't have to justify what you do to anyone. If you don't want to stay over then you don't have to and it's really none of her business as to why.
So stop with the explanations.
Don't allow her the headspace, she's not worth it.

mamabear20

CaraMay wrote: »

Why do you keep going back for more? She's clearly unhinged.

I know my mistake it's just I thought a 30 year friendship was worth more, my mistake clearly

rainbowtrout

mamabear20 wrote: »

I know my mistake it's just I thought a 30 year friendship was worth more, my mistake clearly

You don't have to cut her off completely if you're uncomfortable with that. Just shut her down when she starts making ridiculous comments about your plans.

I'd agree that it's nuts paying out money for a hotel and then a childminder when you live a stones throw from it. What you're doing is completely normal. Her reaction is not.

Ursus Horribilis

If it was me, I would consider this to be the final straw. What exactly are you getting out of this friendship? Do you really need someone like this in your life?

She took the gloss off your child's christening because of a perceived snub. Now, yet again, she's accusing you of being a liar because you're not staying in a hotel for a wedding. I actually did the same thing a few months ago because the mortgage was looming and I had just had to insure the car. It's no biggie.

Not only is she possessive of you and getting really annoyed over these non-issues but she seems to be unwilling to take on board anything you've got to say. Was she always like this or is it only now that you're becoming the subject of her fixation? Do you know why she fell out with her other friends? It wouldn't surprise me if it was for reasons not unlike this.

I wouldn't be swayed by this being a 30+ years friendship. How dare she treat you like this and speak about you behind your back. It's not your fault that she's losing all her friends. If it was me I'd be joining that growing list of ex friends. I think she's on the cusp of ditching you anyway because she's so angry with you.

mamabear20

Odus fell down wrote: »

If it was me, I would consider this to be the final straw. What exactly are you getting out of this friendship? Do you really need someone like this in your life?

She took the gloss off your child's christening because of a perceived snub. Now, yet again, she's accusing you of being a liar because you're not staying in a hotel for a wedding. I actually did the same thing a few months ago because the mortgage was looming and I had just had to insure the car. It's no biggie.

Not only is she possessive of you and getting really annoyed over these non-issues but she seems to be unwilling to take on board anything you've got to say. Was she always like this or is it only now that you're becoming the subject of her fixation? Do you know why she fell out with her other friends? It wouldn't surprise me if it was for reasons not unlike this.

I wouldn't be swayed by this being a 30+ years friendship. How dare she treat you like this and speak about you behind your back. It's not your fault that she's losing all her friends. If it was me I'd be joining that growing list of ex friends. I think she's on the cusp of ditching you anyway because she's so angry with you.

It seems she has had these issues with me for months but never mentioned it at all I had seen her and spoken to her multiple times since the christening and she never once mentioned it, she can be quite cutting in her remarks and I think that is why she lost a number of friends in her life, people got sick of it

Dark Phoenix

Shes sounds completely mad and controlling. Its none of her business if you are staying at the hotel at someone elses wedding! Personally I'd think you were mad if you paid to stay when you were only a 10 min taxi ride away. As the bride has no issue with it - where does your friend get off having an issue with it?

I can understand wanting to preserve a 30 year friendship but that doesn't mean letting this person abuse you. If you don't want to cut ties I'd instead suggest to stay calm when she kicks off and politely tell her not to speak to you that way and that it is not her business.

As for the whole christening thing - it was your families day - she wasn't the centre of attention. She needs to get over herself with that and I wouldn't even entertain her nonsense about admitting anything to yourself. if she has lost friends over her behaviour its hardly a surprise to be honest

Penn

She was upset about the christening because she didn't get to spend a lot of time with you.
She's upset about you not staying at the hotel because it means you'll leave earlier and won't be there the next morning, meaning she won't get to spend that time with you.

The problem is hers and hers alone. Don't entertain her nonsense. Keep doing what you think is best (which sounds beyond reasonable so far), and if she has an issue with that, it's her issue that she needs to deal with.

retro:electro

I'm actually gone past thinking she's just an ejit and now think she's both controlling and abusive. Speaks volumes that she has no friends left, her own doing. Op do not indulge her antagonistic advances anymore.

Ursus Horribilis

anna080 wrote:

I'm actually gone past thinking she's just an ejit and now think she's both controlling and abusive. Speaks volumes that she has no friends left, her own doing.

There could be something in this. She is very fixated on what you are and aren't doing. I bet she resents your partner and the baby too. There is something almost stalkerish about her behaviour. Any reasonable person will know that at a christening party, the parents of the child will be busy trying to mind their new baby and getting to talk to everyone at some stage. For the hotel it's absolutely none of her business what you choose to do. Who does she think she is? For that last one alone I would have lost it. You should not have to justify your decisions to anyone, let alone a sharp - tongued madam who has lost most of her friends through her own unpleasantness.

Last time I looked, friends were nice people who enjoy hanging around with you and vice versa. Not judgemental harridans who make you feel like crap through no fault of your own.

mamabear20

Completely all other friends didn't seem to have this issue with the christening just her, come to think of it a few weeks back she got mad because we couldn't organise a night out where we were all free. I think she might feel others are moving on with their lives etc and is resentful of the fact

Ursus Horribilis

mamabear20 wrote:

Come to think of it a few weeks back she got mad because we couldn't organise a night out where we were all free. I think she might feel others are moving on with their lives etc and is resentful of the fact

Why does this not surprise me? She's going to have to learn to suck it up just like every other person in her position has had to. I bet she's single.

Don't make any apologies to her for the way you live your life. If she's incapable of falling into step with the way your life is now, that's her loss. Whether she likes it or not, your new family is now your priority. Not girly nights out.

rainbowtrout

mamabear20 wrote: »

Completely all other friends didn't seem to have this issue with the christening just her, come to think of it a few weeks back she got mad because we couldn't organise a night out where we were all free. I think she might feel others are moving on with their lives etc and is resentful of the fact

You might have hit the nail on the head there. She's attention seeking. I'm going to guess that you had more time to spend with her in the past but now you are busy which is understandable, and normal, and now she's throwing a strop because you are putting your family before her. She won't have many friends left if she keeps behaving that way.

Detached Retina

Previous poster spot on there. She Makes everyone else's special days about her, major persecution complex - losing friends due to this, talking behind your backs, being vindictive. Yep, you seem sound and don't need that, I think you should join the ranks of her "former friends" :mad: