Boyfriend is lying about how much time he's spending with a new female friend...

loulou87

I work mostly away during the working week in London.
I'm home (to Dublin) pretty much every weekend.
Boyfriend of two years lives in Dublin permanently.
We live together in Dublin and spend all of the weekends together.
He joined tag rugby a few months ago and plays during the week and met a girl through that.
He told me about her, he gets on great with her.. they meet up with other people from tag and have pints and stuff.
Howandever, last weekend, we went to Berlin for the weekend.
He got hammered and I curiously went through his phone..
Lots of text messages.. pretty standard 'friend' ones but now I see that they have met up for drinks on their own and have gone to a music gig and the cinema.

I honestly don't have a problem with it other than he has lied to me about it.
I have male friends and meet up with them from time to time, always tell my other half and he's grand with it, he gets on with them too.

He told me he went to that gig on his own.. I outright asked him and he never mentioned her.

I feel sick that he's lying.
I have the impression that she fancies him and he likes the thrill of her chase and is flattered..
I know he loves being flattered.

Oh what to do... what to do....

Magicmatilda

Can I ask why you went through his phone? Is that something you have done before?

I would not consider it normal or acceptable for me to be going through my partners phone.

That said I have done it on one occasion when i was suspicious, I knew that the very act of going through his phone spelled the end for us as it was such an invasion of privacy and anyway I found evidence of his cheating, so we finished.

As for him lying to you about spending time with another girl well I would consider that to be pretty serious. Why not just tell you? Does she know you exist?

I have no problem with my partner having female friends and no problem with them meeting alone but when he is spening more time with her than me or lying about it then I have a big problem with it.

Ultimately you need to ask him about it and admit your snooping in the process.

LegacyUser

You honestly do have a problem with it so best to stop fooling yourself there. Like you're putting 2+2 together and getting 5 saying that you think she fancies him. Maybe he kept it from you because he knows you have a tendency to overreact like this, while lieing(or withholding the truth) in a relationship is never healthy I can see why he didn't tell you. He gets on with your male friends so you should do the same with her instead of being jealous of there platonic relationship.

loulou87

Magicmatilda wrote: »

Can I ask why you went through his phone? Is that something you have done before?

I would not consider it normal or acceptable for me to be going through my partners phone.

That said I have done it on one occasion when i was suspicious, I knew that the very act of going through his phone spelled the end for us as it was such an invasion of privacy and anyway I found evidence of his cheating, so we finished.

As for him lying to you about spending time with another girl well I would consider that to be pretty serious. Why not just tell you? Does she know you exist?

I have no problem with my partner having female friends and no problem with them meeting alone but when he is spening more time with her than me or lying about it then I have a big problem with it.

Ultimately you need to ask him about it and admit your snooping in the process.

I was suspicious I guess because he has stopped talking about her as much as he was in the beginning.

I presume she knows I exist. They are FB friends so she would see pics of us.
He would go crazy if he knew I was snooping through his phone.
I did look at his phone when we first started going out but I'd like to think I was a bit mroe immature then!

LegacyUser

Ok first off you are going to be bombarded with people asking you why you went through his phone.
In my opinion,curiousity sometimes gets the better of people so there's no point in focusing purely on that. Normally your gut is telling you something. Did he find out you went through his phone?
I would be straight up and ask him outright. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your boyfriend having a female friend HOWEVER there is a problem when he is hiding it. Speaking from personal experience, if your significant other is hiding a relationship from you there is going to be more to that story.

loulou87

preacheralert wrote: »

Ok first off you are going to be bombarded with people asking you why you went through his phone.
In my opinion,curiousity sometimes gets the better of people so there's no point in focusing purely on that. Normally your gut is telling you something. Did he find out you went through his phone?
I would be straight up and ask him outright. There is absolutely nothing wrong with your boyfriend having a female friend HOWEVER there is a problem when he is hiding it. Speaking from personal experience, if your significant other is hiding a relationship from you there is going to be more to that story.

Curiosity always gets the better of me..
I'm a nosy person at the best of times!
He doesn't know I went through his phone.. if he did he would have put a passcode on it I imagine.

OneOfThem

Possible he just figured it was the easiest thing not to mention he went to the gig with her alone etc, as if you're someone that's prone to things like going through his phone and keeping track of how often he talks about female friends etc it could be possible you're also the kind of person that would freak out a bit if he just told you?

You've kind of hamstrung yourself a little, no way of calling him on being dishonest with you without saying you've been dishonest with him by rooting through his phone, which you say he'd flip over.

But you say there is nothing incriminating or anything like that in thier messages, just friends being friends. So you can maybe take reassurance from that and set this particular issue aside for now.

So maybe you could have a bit of an overall chat about trusting each other and wanting to feel like you can always be open and honest with each other and make sure the other person feels like they can too. Ask him if he feels like that, and reassure him you would want him to. After that you just gotta trust, and that means extending trust as well as receiving it. A fresh start.
Sounds like you may be in a situation where he doesn't feel trusted and so doesn't feel like he can be completely open about everything.

LegacyUser

Drinks, a gig and the cinema. Sounds like dates to me. If you are not in the habit of checking his phone, your instinct is that something is off.
By the way one of the first signs of cheating is mentionitis, can't help talking about the other person followed by not mentioning them at all which struck me in your op.
I always think people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
It's unfair posters have eluded to your alleged reaction if he told you about these meetings. It's never your fault if someone lies to you. It just means they want to do something they think you won't approve of so the easy option is to do it behind your back.
Why hasn't he introduced you to her if they are so friendly.

StanleyOllie

Could you say an aquantance saw him at the gig with a girl. You could just ask who it was. See what he says.
If its going to eat you up you will have to say something to him.
Sometimes going quite like he did, can be going secretive and your gut instinct has picked up on that.

frostyjacks

Tell him a male work colleague has asked you out for dinner and drinks to see how he reacts. If he doesn't have an issue with it I'd be worried.

loulou87

StanleyOllie wrote: »

Could you say an aquantance saw him at the gig with a girl. You could just ask who it was. See what he says.
If its going to eat you up you will have to say something to him.
Sometimes going quite like he did, can be going secretive and your gut instinct has picked up on that.

I think that's what I'm gona do.
He knows that if he told me he was going to a gig with her I wouldn't have minded. I genuinely mean that. It's the meeting her without telling me and then lying about it that's getting me down.

loulou87

Anonn111 wrote: »

Drinks, a gig and the cinema. Sounds like dates to me. If you are not in the habit of checking his phone, your instinct is that something is off.
By the way one of the first signs of cheating is mentionitis, can't help talking about the other person followed by not mentioning them at all which struck me in your op.
I always think people who have nothing to hide, hide nothing.
It's unfair posters have eluded to your alleged reaction if he told you about these meetings. It's never your fault if someone lies to you. It just means they want to do something they think you won't approve of so the easy option is to do it behind your back.
Why hasn't he introduced you to her if they are so friendly.

I can't expect people here to know what type of person I usually am.
I'm not a jealous person by nature.
I wouldn't have minded him going to a gig or even for a drink with this girl. It's the lying that I don't like.
I get that I'm away most days during the week but we're usually so so honest about everything we do.

pookie82

Anonn111 wrote: »

It's unfair posters have eluded to your alleged reaction if he told you about these meetings. It's never your fault if someone lies to you. It just means they want to do something they think you won't approve of so the easy option is to do it behind your back.
Why hasn't he introduced you to her if they are so friendly.

This, a thousand times. I love how you're automatically being painted as a paranoid control freak who he has to hide things from for an easy life.

Let's face it, that kind of relationship is never going to end well. He'll spend his life hiding more and more things and you'll end up having to snoop to find them - betrayals running both ways.

If he really feels he couldn't tell you about this "innocent" friendship he should break up with you, because a) he can't trust you to let him have a female friend without freaking out, or b) he's testing the waters with her and wondering if the grass is greener.

Their meet ups do sound very "datey" and I would find it odd and upsetting, to be honest, that he was doing these things with another girl and lying to my face about who he was with.

Let's give him the benefit of the doubt here for a moment and say it's purely platonic, on his end anyways. Do guys not realise that when they hide things and get found out, they make themselves LOOK guilty of something they're not even guilty of? Thereby defeating their purpose in seeking "an easy life".

Sounds like their meet ups are pretty public... anyone could spot them at the cinema or a gig. Does he honestly think you'll never know who he's going to these things with? I don't know if I could hack the lies...

If I were you I'd probably admit I looked through his phone, say I was horrified at what I found, and end it. Trust is gone on both sides now - snooping and lying. Hard enough to keep LD going without this in the mix.

Eeden

I realise lots of folks on here are going to tell you that going through his phone is okay if you're suspicious of him lying, but it's not. It's a huge invasion of privacy whether you have "reason" to do it or not. If you don't trust him, you just can't stay in the relationship. If your distrust turns out to be right, get out. If your distrust turns out to be wrong, you have a problem with insecurity so for his sake and yours, you need to get out.

If I ever found out a partner was going through my phone, that would be the end of it.

Carlos Orange

Anonn111 wrote: »

Drinks, a gig and the cinema. Sounds like dates to me.

Is there anything 2 people can do together that doesn't sound like a date?

GuessWhoEh

loulou87 wrote: »

I work mostly away during the working week in London.
I'm home (to Dublin) pretty much every weekend.
Boyfriend of two years lives in Dublin permanently.
We live together in Dublin and spend all of the weekends together.
He joined tag rugby a few months ago and plays during the week and met a girl through that.
He told me about her, he gets on great with her.. they meet up with other people from tag and have pints and stuff.
Howandever, last weekend, we went to Berlin for the weekend.
He got hammered and I curiously went through his phone..
Lots of text messages.. pretty standard 'friend' ones but now I see that they have met up for drinks on their own and have gone to a music gig and the cinema.

I honestly don't have a problem with it other than he has lied to me about it.
I have male friends and meet up with them from time to time, always tell my other half and he's grand with it, he gets on with them too.

He told me he went to that gig on his own.. I outright asked him and he never mentioned her.

I feel sick that he's lying.
I have the impression that she fancies him and he likes the thrill of her chase and is flattered..
I know he loves being flattered.

Oh what to do... what to do....

I don't want to sound horrible here but if you didn't want to know the answer and you already knew, then looking through his phone wasn't exactly the right idea. By no means am I siding with him as I think he should of told you, full stop. I can't stand when people say "I looked through his phone because..." And then they get upset. It's no fault but your own. Although, i think you should just tell him how you feel and his reaction should be your answer.

iusedtoknow

loulou87 wrote: »

I think that's what I'm gona do.
He knows that if he told me he was going to a gig with her I wouldn't have minded. I genuinely mean that. It's the meeting her without telling me and then lying about it that's getting me down.

so you are trying to catch him out in a lie...by lying to him.

If you have any respect for him and for yourself, either be upfront with him about what you know and how you found out and deal with the subsequent fallout or...break up with him seeing as you don't seem to trust him.

Barely There

TBH the relationship sounds like it's fcuked.

You're snooping through his phone. He's lying to you about meeting up with another girl......

All sounds pretty dysfunctional to me.

LegacyUser

iusedtoknow wrote: »

so you are trying to catch him out in a lie...by lying to him.

If you have any respect for him and for yourself, either be upfront with him about what you know and how you found out and deal with the subsequent fallout or...break up with him seeing as you don't seem to trust him.

+1 You say your issue is the lying yet your planning on lying to him. Just be direct.

giggle84

GuessWhoEh wrote: »

It's no fault but your own.

How HOW is him lying and possibly cheating the OP's fault?!!

Ok yeah in an ideal world no one would cheat or be suspicious or look at anyone else's phone. But an idea world this ain't. I agree that the OP feeling like she has a reason to look through his phone at all is a bad sign, but we do not know the dynamics of their relationship.

My friend was with a guy for 6 years, long distance for the last 2 due to jobs changing. She didn't suspect him of cheating but she noticed a change in his behaviour and she tried time and again to be open and talk to him about it and he opened up about how stressful his job was and family issues, etc. used that to explain everything away, seemed like he was honestly pouring his heart out and telling her everything, and talked her around every single time. Eventually something did happen to trigger a bit of a suspicion, again she spoke to him and again he talked her around. This whole time she was beating herself up for being paranoid and blaming it on herself and the long distance. But one day she impulsively looked at his phone, having never done so in the previous 6 years, and she found messages. He tried to talk her around again and it almost worked, but it turned out he'd been seeing someone else for 8 months. The other girl had no idea either.

I saw the devastation this all caused first hand. The lying to her face was the worst part. It's all well and good telling the OP she should have just walked at the first sniff of suspicion and never looked through his phone but she loves him and she wants to give him the benefit of the doubt and she's come here hoping that we can help her to either explain this away or confirm that she's not being paranoid. It's not like she's going through his phone regularly to track everyone he's in contact with and not allowing him to have female friends like another thread here.

The bit that gets to me is that the OP went through her boyfriend's phone at the beginning of their relationship because she was "nosey". No other reason or justification was given and that is just not OK.

If I knew my partner had traits that included snooping then I'd also bend the truth about a friend. There's absolutely no evidence that any cheating is taking place, just that they hang out and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

dubstarr

There is absolutley nothing worse than people lying to you.You know they are lying but you have no proof its really a head melt.The op obviously noticed changes,gave her bf a chance to explain and he still lied.Why lie if its all innocence.

I think you are just gonna have to tell him he was busted at the concert and see what he says.Even if you have to admit looking at teh phone but when you admit that,he will switch around to that and try and blame you.

giggle84

[Deleted User] wrote: »

The bit that gets to me is that the OP went through her boyfriend's phone at the beginning of their relationship because she was "nosey". No other reason or justification was given and that is just not OK.

I overlooked this point. Agreed, that is not ok.

loulou87

giggle84 wrote: »

I overlooked this point. Agreed, that is not ok.

I am nosey but there was also a niggling feeling and the opportunity was there on the plane to snoop...

CaraMay

Oh for god sake. Her gut was roaring at her thàt something was not 100% and she took the opportunity to check his phone. Her gut was right. She didn't murder his cat ffs!!

Op don't even get into the right and wrong of looking at his phone. It's no big deal. What you need to decide is what to do now with the info you have

Penny Tration

CaraMay wrote: »

Oh for god sake. Her gut was roaring at her thàt something was not 100% and she took the opportunity to check his phone. Her gut was right. She didn't murder his cat ffs!!

Op don't even get into the right and wrong of looking at his phone. It's no big deal. What you need to decide is what to do now with the info you have

People aren't just getting at her for checking his phone this time.

She had suspicions, which caused her to check. I've been there, and i was right, he was cheating.

The problem is, she checked his phone before out of pure nosiness. If my boyfriend checked my phone out of nothing but nosiness, I'd probably keep quiet about things like friends of the opposite sex too, because only a very untrusting person checks a phone WITHOUT suspicions.

Op, if you want to fix this, tell him what you saw, and tell him that you checked his phone and why.

Yeah, he'll go mad, but you'd be a hypocrite to expect honesty from him, while you lie to him.

CaraMay

Op does he know about that earlier incident. I really don't think it has anything to with the situation you are facing NOW.

Penny Tration

CaraMay wrote: »

Op does he know about that earlier incident. I really don't think it has anything to with the situation you are facing NOW.

It could though. Like others (myself included) have said, if we knew a partner liked to check our phone for no reason, we would be inclined to hide things from them.

loulou87

CaraMay wrote: »

Op does he know about that earlier incident. I really don't think it has anything to with the situation you are facing NOW.

No.. we had just started going out...before I thought we would ever be serious.

GuessWhoEh

giggle84 wrote: »

How HOW is him lying and possibly cheating the OP's fault?!!

Ok yeah in an ideal world no one would cheat or be suspicious or look at anyone else's phone. But an idea world this ain't. I agree that the OP feeling like she has a reason to look through his phone at all is a bad sign, but we do not know the dynamics of their relationship.

My friend was with a guy for 6 years, long distance for the last 2 due to jobs changing. She didn't suspect him of cheating but she noticed a change in his behaviour and she tried time and again to be open and talk to him about it and he opened up about how stressful his job was and family issues, etc. used that to explain everything away, seemed like he was honestly pouring his heart out and telling her everything, and talked her around every single time. Eventually something did happen to trigger a bit of a suspicion, again she spoke to him and again he talked her around. This whole time she was beating herself up for being paranoid and blaming it on herself and the long distance. But one day she impulsively looked at his phone, having never done so in the previous 6 years, and she found messages. He tried to talk her around again and it almost worked, but it turned out he'd been seeing someone else for 8 months. The other girl had no idea either.

I saw the devastation this all caused first hand. The lying to her face was the worst part. It's all well and good telling the OP she should have just walked at the first sniff of suspicion and never looked through his phone but she loves him and she wants to give him the benefit of the doubt and she's come here hoping that we can help her to either explain this away or confirm that she's not being paranoid. It's not like she's going through his phone regularly to track everyone he's in contact with and not allowing him to have female friends like another thread here.

You've completely taken my post out of context. Looking at her OH's phone and then getting upset over something she already knew is her own fault, not him cheating. Read my post please.

pookie82

Deleted User wrote: »

If I knew my partner had traits that included snooping then I'd also bend the truth about a friend. There's absolutely no evidence that any cheating is taking place, just that they hang out and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

This doesn't make sense. If you knew they snooped you'd bend the truth and let them find it out only by snooping? What exactly would that achieve?

You should NEVER have to lie for an "easy life". If you find yourself in that position, you should just finish things before you have to lie about anything. When lies become a normality and roll off the tongue, the relationship is screwed.

Penny Tration

pookie82 wrote: »

This doesn't make sense. If you knew they snooped you'd bend the truth and let them find it out only by snooping? What exactly would that achieve?

You should NEVER have to lie for an "easy life". If you find yourself in that position, you should just finish things before you have to lie about anything. When lies become a normality and roll off the tongue, the relationship is screwed.

I agree, but the same applies to the OP. She never told her boyfriend she snooped in the beginning, and she's planning to lie to him and say a friend saw him with the other lady.

The best thing she could do is be honest if she wants honesty in return.

long_b

If he really loves you he'll forgive you looking at his phone. Maybe he'll even think it's hilarious.

I'd just tell him that you can handle him wanting to see someone else but that you don't want to be made a fool of.

CaraMay

So he doesn't know that she looked at his phone the first time therefore all the theories around him hiding stuff from her due to this are not valid here. The fact is he's just hiding this from her and lying to her for no reason. Very dodgy

sReq | uTeK

Am I the only person the planet that doesn't give an absolute toss about my OH looking at my phone.

At the end of the day I'm married so it might be a bit different. But this is a person that you're sharing a bed with, sharing bodily fluids with and by all accounts your life with, does it matter if they have a look at your phone.

I have nothing to hide, banter with mates, it's all there, if my wife has a look so be it. I have nothing to hide and most if not all of the information I obtain in my every day life she hears it from me as I believe that's what having a partner is, sharing each others lives.

Barely There

sReq | uTeK wrote: »

Am I the only person the planet that doesn't give an absolute toss about my OH looking at my phone.

At the end of the day I'm married so it might be a bit different. But this is a person that you're sharing a bed with, sharing bodily fluids with and by all accounts your life with, does it matter if they have a look at your phone.

I have nothing to hide, banter with mates, it's all there, if my wife has a look so be it. I have nothing to hide and most if not all of the information I obtain in my every day life she hears it from me as I believe that's what having a partner is, sharing each others lives.

I doubt you'd be ok with it if it was done in secret and with the express intention of checking that you were remaining faithful.

It's the equivalent of someone steaming open your envelopes to see what you're getting in the post before resealing them up.

It's pretty fcuked up tbh, and when a partner starts doing this the relationship is already over regardless of what's found.

Chancer3001

Bear in kind he probabaly deleted any of the dodgy messages between them before meeting you. Just in case you did Snoop through his phone

pookie82

sReq | uTeK wrote: »

Am I the only person the planet that doesn't give an absolute toss about my OH looking at my phone.

At the end of the day I'm married so it might be a bit different. But this is a person that you're sharing a bed with, sharing bodily fluids with and by all accounts your life with, does it matter if they have a look at your phone.

I have nothing to hide, banter with mates, it's all there, if my wife has a look so be it. I have nothing to hide and most if not all of the information I obtain in my every day life she hears it from me as I believe that's what having a partner is, sharing each others lives.

I totally agree, people treat them like walking diaries holding the innermost secrets of the universe. My bf is on mine all the time, a lot when I'm out of the room, as well. He'll ask to use internet on it or whatever, but I don't know what he looks at when he's in there. Maybe he looks through every app I own, and if he does, I really don't care.

I have nothing to hide.

Some people do value privacy though, in principle. But I can't help feeling "if you're typing something you'd hate your other half to see, why are you typing it???"

Freedom212

The OP obviously had worries about this "friendship" her BF has with another girl, so looking through his phone might have been a bit much but it's more forgivable than starting an emotional relationship with another girl and trying to hide it. Looking at texts on your OH's phone isn't ideal but I understand why some people do it if they are feeling helpless, they may not trust their partner to tell them the honest truth (which is a problem in itself).

To be honest if I was in your position and my BF started hanging out with a new girl all the time then yes I would feel the same. I take it you haven't met this girl and this is exactly why you don't know whether to trust him. Another important feature here is, the OP doesn't know what this other girls feelings are towards him. It is VERY possible that she has feelings since they are doing a lot together.

You mentioned your OH gets on with your male friends, this is because he's met them and he can see for himself the friendly relationship you have with them. You are involving him with people in your life. This is you giving him reassurance and knowledge of what's going on, and it's exactly what he should have done for you. But he didn't.

The fact is Op, you have seen now that he's doing things with here without telling you.. that's enough to know to say he is not trustworthy. There's a line not to cross with having female friends and he totally has crossed it with all these hidden outings. Tell him you've seen the texts, there's no other way of doing this but battle it out and get to the root of it. You may be ashamed to say you snooped but at least you can have the honesty to tell him.

CaraMay

I wouldn't care less if my oh looked through my phone. If he was having concerns about a guy I was going out with and lying to him about it the. I would fully understand the need to check. If it was all innocent I wouldn't mind and would do my best to allay any fears.

LegacyUser

sReq | uTeK wrote: »

Am I the only person the planet that doesn't give an absolute toss about my OH looking at my phone.

It depends on the person....plenty think it's no big deal while for others it's a deal braker. Only the OP knows which side of that fence her OH sits on.

Myself and my husband would never look at each others phones or computers without asking the other one first. It's not that we don't trust the other or we have anything to hide but just manners for us. Being married, for us, doesn't mean we share every single thing. Both our parents were the same and it's just how we feel. We both have drawers in our bedroom that are 'ours' and not for the other to be rooting around in.

I did break up with a guy for going through my phone, it's just not something I can stand but then I'm a fairly blunt and direct person. Some might think that's stupid but everyone has their deal breakers that they couldn't let slide.

Augme

loulou87 wrote: »

I did look at his phone when we first started going out but I'd like to think I was a bit mroe immature then!

It's worth pointing out that if you behaved immaturely and displayed signs of jealousy early on in the relationship then it's very possible that your boyfriend is simply not telling you because he know's you'll become jealous and it will cause a headache for him. Now he could also be cheating on you, it's very difficult to know.

But it's quite obvious there is a underlying problem when you are happy to snoop through his phone and he is happy to lie to you about who he meets. Either way it's not a sign of a good relationships.

sReq | uTeK

Barely There wrote: »

I doubt you'd be ok with it if it was done in secret and with the express intention of checking that you were remaining faithful.

It's the equivalent of someone steaming open your envelopes to see what you're getting in the post before resealing them up.

It's pretty fcuked up tbh, and when a partner starts doing this the relationship is already over regardless of what's found.

If that's the case then if you have suspicions before checking the phone is it not already dead? Does checking the phone and confirming your suspicions further compound the relationships demise, I doubt it.

If people are having suspicions, that's the underlying problem, not checking a phone to prove or disprove them. What I'd be asking is what has changed in a loving relationship to make you have doubts, is it me? is it my partner? the last thing I'd be worrying about would be "OMG, this is it, if I check this phone, its OVER!"

Further more I'd be of the impression that if you have something in the phone you don't want your OH to see that could potentially ruin the relationship, what the **** were you doing to A: put yourself in a position to write it or B: put yourself in a position to receive it.

It's a phone, not a diary of your inner most thoughts.

dubstarr

If the boyfriend dint lie,op wouldnt have looked at his phone. Hes in the wrong cause hes messing and lying to his girlfriend.Her looking at the phone is the symptom not the cause.

I bet you op when he finds out you looked at his phone he will try to blame you

OneOfThem

sReq | uTeK wrote: »

Further more I'd be of the impression that if you have something in the phone you don't want your OH to see that could potentially ruin the relationship, what the **** were you doing to A: put yourself in a position to write it or B: put yourself in a position to receive it.

It's a phone, not a diary of your inner most thoughts.

It's not necessarily a matter that there is something there that's going to ruin the relationship... There are several other reasons someone wouldn't want thier partner (or anyone else) going through thier messages, or emails, or whatever.
The most obvious (or I would have thought) one being that if somebody sends you a message, they are sending it to you, not someone else. If they wished your partner to read it, they could cc them, or include them in a group message, or message them separately. Someone going through your messages would not just be a violation of your privacy, but that of the people you are in dialogue with in them.
Quite recently someone chose to confide in me in relation to a sensitive and personal matter, they would not have done so if they thought my partner o anyone else was going to have thier nose in the messages.

Then there's the act of knowing someone would not like you going through thier phone behind their back and adopting a "well screw thier wishes, I'm suspicious" (that rhymes and you know it rhymes... admit it!) attitude. Which is the height of disrespect. Where would someone draw the line exactly? Going through phone messages - fine. Emails? Following them? How about installing a tracking app on thier phone? How about going through one of thier friends phones? If not, why not? What kind of limitations, if any, are placed on the blank check from the Bank of Suspicion, exactly?

A phone can be not only a diary of your inner most thoughts, but also the thoughts of your friends and family.

A common thing you hear people say when they find out a partner is cheating on them is something along the lines of "it's not even the fact that they've slept with someone else that's the worst thing, it's the deceit and betrayal of trust".
Knowing a partner would not want you to go rooting in thier phones behind thier back, and doing so anyway, is disrespectful, deceitful and a betrayal of trust.

Like the previous poster, I also have nothing to hide. I would still take an extremely dim view on my privacy and that of anyone I was communicating with being violated. It's an issue of respect and trust.

sReq | uTeK

sReq | uTeK wrote: »

Am I the only person the planet that doesn't give an absolute toss about my OH looking at my phone.

At the end of the day I'm married so it might be a bit different. But this is a person that you're sharing a bed with, sharing bodily fluids with and by all accounts your life with, does it matter if they have a look at your phone.

I have nothing to hide, banter with mates, it's all there, if my wife has a look so be it. I have nothing to hide and most if not all of the information I obtain in my every day life she hears it from me as I believe that's what having a partner is, sharing each others lives.

You're basing this on the fact you already have an established relationship. This wasn't the case with the OP's boyfriend then - they weren't even together. It's essentially the same as a complete stranger going through your stuff and that isn't OK.

The point I was making trying is the OP has already demonstrated a habit of snooping, curiousity, and we don't know what else- there could be insecurity and other stuff - we're only hearing one side of the story and it's only naturally that the OP would paint themselves in a better light.

CaraMay

We are hearing one side of the story because the op posted. We have no evidence of insecurity issues and I would say that given she is happy to maintain a long distance relationship she can't be that insecure.

I wish people would just deal with the facts given rather than hypothesising about insecurity level

Taboola

Deleted User wrote: »

You're basing this on the fact you already have an established relationship. This wasn't the case with the OP's boyfriend then - they weren't even together. It's essentially the same as a complete stranger going through your stuff and that isn't OK.

The point I was making trying is the OP has already demonstrated a habit of snooping, curiousity, and we don't know what else- there could be insecurity and other stuff - we're only hearing one side of the story and it's only naturally that the OP would paint themselves in a better light.

None of that changes the fact that her bf is lying to her about going on 'dates' with another girl.

Carlos Orange

Taboola wrote: »

None of that changes the fact that her bf is lying to her about going on 'dates' with another girl.

Scare quotes aside none of the events in than of themselves constitute a date.

The OP asked for advice about what to do not an interpretation of the meagre facts available.

Her BF is not being honest with her , presumably because he has relationship intentions for the other person or a jealous/controlling side she has or both. Which it is nobody reading here is in any position to know. Knowing he isn't being honest she can either call him on it (being totally honest about what she knows or being less than totally honest) or let it go. Talking with him honestly is probably the way to go although it might be an idea to have more than the weekend to work through it.

LegacyUser

I'd view someone going thru my phone as a complete deal breaker. For the reasons lots of people have said: first off, my friends texting or emailing me about private matters, it's totally out of order to share that info with my partner. If they wanted to vent to or consult with my partner, well then they'd do that. I think it's an awful betrayal of friendship to discuss such things with your partner, or let them see such texts or emails.

Secondly, if someone snooped on my phone early on a relationship just because they're a self confessed 'nosey person', I'd dump them straight away. I have no time for that interfering, insecure, needy, checking up on people crap. Admitting to being 'nosey' is zero excuse. It's an invasion of privacy, and a betrayal.

How ever, if you feel there is something untoward going on, then I don't blame you for checking up on him via his phone. I don't agree with it, but I can see why you'd do it. As many others have pointed out tho, if you've got to that stage, the trust is totally gone, so the relationship is dead in the water.

I'm still not sure if your innate nosiness has made him try to keep some things private, and you've blown it all out of proportion. Is there a chance you are sticking your nose into every aspect of his life, and that freaks him out so he then just doesn't tell you things?

The way I see it, there's two choices: he's met someone else, or you are doing a self destruct on your relationship by being nosey, insecure & checking up on him. Only you know which is right.

Augme

CaraMay wrote: »

We are hearing one side of the story because the op posted. We have no evidence of insecurity issues and I would say that given she is happy to maintain a long distance relationship she can't be that insecure.

I wish people would just deal with the facts given rather than hypothesising about insecurity level

But we have evidence of her snooping through his phone and immaturity issues. Given that she has previously felt the need to snoop at her boyfriend's phone I'd say that she can't be that secure in herself or the relationship.

loulou87 wrote: »

I was suspicious I guess because he has stopped talking about her as much as he was in the beginning.

I presume she knows I exist. They are FB friends so she would see pics of us.
He would go crazy if he knew I was snooping through his phone.
I did look at his phone when we first started going out but I'd like to think I was a bit mroe immature then!